Roan

Wooo!!!!! Have a wonderful day Rob. Sending colt hugs all the way to you in rainy England. Roan

My GP at the moment happens to be a guy, but he is hard to see at short notice so I sometimes see the woman in the practice. I've got more doctors than a medical convention between all the specialists mostly guys but a couple of women. I guess I dont really mind one way or the other. Im mainly interested in a GP being thorough, good and being able to develop a relationship of trust, which is more about what sort of person they are than their gender from what Ive found.. For specialists, they need to be able to tell me straight without patronising or bullshitting and be good. Guys as specialists can sometimes be more patronising in my experience, thats the only gender difference ive found. Or maybe thats neurosurgeons fwiw the only doctor Ive been to that had to regularly handle my um assets was an endocrinologist back when I was 11 - 12, he was a guy and that made it marginally less embarassing at that age on balance. Nowdays, dont really mind.

And for how many of those is the real meaning somehow more appropriate...........

Hi wonderful people. Well the long fight continues. I can sort of walk, its hard but a major thing. I would dance but that is even more embarassing than normal. Its been a weird week in some ways, i've wanted to come on here and say hello but everytime I did I didnt know what to say. Life is full of swings and roundabouts at the moment. On the one hand every day a few things get a little easier. On the other, there is the growing realisation that some things will never be the same again. The frustration and anger gets the better of me and then I see the concern and pain in Daz's eyes. I hate that look, oh God it breaks me some times. We are still negotiating what this is, and its hard. I am used to being the strong one, no ones burden, and I hate being weak and vulnerable. Most of all I hate the thought of what could happen to him if things go badly. But I fight too because I have someone to fight for. That is new for me too - and on balance thats pretty great. I always thought that I was worth nothing, to anyone. I dont feel that way anymore. Its scary but also amazing. The thing that always catches me in this thread though is how many of you are the people that I have connected with since I have been here. Cassie was I think the first person ever to send me a message on GA way back when I first joined and has been a source of love ever since. Bee and Mark were the first two I ever skyped with and have been there through so much. Wayne has been a solid bulwark from the beginning, Joe like a loving uncle, Tim in my corner and my heart from very early on, Lily a fellow Melbournian sharing all her love from a distance, and more recently Yettie the exiled son of Africa , KC, Breeze. Ive been lucky to share your struggles and your triumphs over the months. That is the part that makes it hard sometimes for me to know what to say, because you matter so much to me. When you are down or things are tough, I mostly just want to reach out and tell you it will all be ok. Some of you I get the chance to do that with in chat or skype, but this is also a great place for it and I know I really want to but somehow the words come reluctantly en masse. If I try hard to sum up what I feel though it is to tell you all that while in this thread, I see you all at times share your fears, doubts, pain, that is not who you are to me. For me you are first and foremost the people who have shown me in so many ways how to be strong, how to have courage, how to care. You give me a gift every day, the knowledge that I am not alone, and hope and strength to carry on. Thats not nothing. I have a lot of love to give and its always there for you all, when things are bad or good. And I hope Yettie you dont censor or hold back. Thats not what this thread is for, this is the place to let it out. I love hearing your thoughts, they are part of that gift. When you face anything be it uncertainty and pain or great happiness, I want to be there by your side if you will let me just as you have been for me. Roan

Hi everyon. Im back but not working too well. I need to be ptient. I may struggle at times to get stuff across and I cant concentrate for too long at time. So I wont be on lots and I will say stuff in bursts. Its frustratin because I want to say lots nd tell you ll how much you matter and how much you have helped. I am getting better but it goes in waves a bit. I get tired really easily and sometimes confused. I have been thinking of you all and I am sending colt hugs to everyone. Got lots of love to give back Roan

Naked for me since about 12.

I think Holland could do it this time. Would love to see Portugal do well, but it isnt going to happen. I hope England progress deep into the tournament to increase the sense fo schadenfreude when they lose to a dodgy penalty in the last minute of stoppage time.

I found a lot of stigma in being diagnosed with depression, some from others, some form myself. I couldnt stop myself feeling that this was somehow a failure in its own right, a further confirmation of weakness, worthlessness etc. Its one of the worst parts of depression for me, how having it is self reinforcing. That is based on a sense that if it is an illness, it is one you bring on yourself, and by extension you can snap ourself out of if you really want to. That is still a prevalent opinion, and when you are depressed you happen to be vulnerable to internalising those opinions. I know I got that a lot from my family, whihc was of course immensely helpful. Also as Mark suggested its almost as if I could pretend i was ok until I was diagnosed, then i had to deal with it. Which meant dealing with why I was depressed, the fact I was depressed, etc etc......all too much. Unfortunately its also fairly important in getting better, to actually know you have it so you can treat it.

Hugging is an individual thing I find. I really really found touching difficult at first. Our family never did it, any public display of affection was frowned upon, so I was conditioned pretty strongly not to. In addition, teenage boys generally are pretty conditioned against it, at least in Australia. I remember the first time one of my friend's mums gave me a hug I just about had a panic attack. I am an ardent hugger now, and apparently good at it because Im big enough to make people feel protected And I now love that sense of shared care; but it really took a lot of unlearning. It seems therefore to be something you learn to do (or not)based on environment and disposition.

Hi All Good to see everyone up and about and talking. I know when Im down but taling its usually a good sign, its when I go like a nuclear submarine and disappear that things are bad. That and listening to Gorecki, for some reason. Going to start off with a post for KC. Mate, pure 100% love and compassion and understanding from me. And I think from many others here. If at times that is what you need, dont forget its here for you. I can tell you many things, not sure if they are helpful but I hope so. I lost my Dad last December. He had been in poor health for some time, but the end when it came was still a shock. We didnt know he had lung cancer until he was effectively a week from dying, and that week he was under sedation and palliative care. It all happened so fast, we really didnt have a chance to get used to it before he was gone. I can honesly say it still hurts like a bitch. Until recently, I would sometimes have nightmares. Horrible evil crap where I would either remember the moment he died, or have wierd ones where I was down in the morgue trying to convince people he was really alive and they needed to help him. 6 months and I really really thought it was supposed to hurt less, but no. This was my second time in a year losing someone like this, and it doesnt get easier with repetition. So far, I have found that death is even more confusing than life. You grieve whether you want to or not, but when is unpredictable, and it comes in fits and starts. For the first while you are numb. The mask comes easily because you are still in shock. Then it happens - you start to feel it more and more and the mask becomes harder to keep up. Trouble is, anyone who hasnt been part of the experience expects you to get better not worse, so you dont want to appear weak to them. And anyone else affected by the same death, you dont want to set them off, and they will be getting more vulnerable at the same time as you. I couldnt feel, say or do anything or fear of making my mum feel worse. I didnt cry for weeks, then simple things would set me off. He gave me his watch when he was still conscious, before we knew what was wrong, because he didnt trust leaving it in a hospital room. I wore it, unconsciously, for ages, then one day somone asked me about my new watch. It hit me then and I cried for the first time in front of someone I barely knew who probably thought I was mad. It was made harder rather than easier by the problems we had in our relationship. There was a lot of pain there, a lot of bad memories. While I sat there watching him die, over and over would come the thought - I wish we had found a way to talk about those things before it was too late. Now, it would be a case of what might have been. I wanted him to know that I loved him, that nothing that had happened stopped that. I hope to Christ he knew what I felt. There is no rule book, no happy set of grieving guidelines. We come to it defenceless and the process does to us what it will. All we can do is come out the other side, alive, shaken but unbowed, when the time is right, and other people just have to deal with that. We also have to give ourselves a break - expectations are pointless, each day for a while just is what it will be. Its also not a linear process - you dont feel 74% over it on day, 75 % the next and so on. Up down around and sideways. Sometimes you just need to be yourself, as you are, and people are just going to have to take you as they find you. Never apologise for being down, or feelig emotions, even really really negative ones like grief, regret. They need to have their day. They also make us human. SOme days its going to be a victory just getting through the day. Celbrate it. One of the things that helped me most recently was a service at the hospital chapel where Dad died. The hospital pastoral care group kept in touch with families of people who died at the hospital, and there were regular services where family members could attend. Although it was a Catholic hospital, the service was pretty neutral. There was a special speaker for the one I went to, and I knew her. She was the charge nurse for ward 2 south, the ward where Dad died. 2 south was a special palliative care ward, essenially patients went there to die. All the nursing staff dealt with there were patients in their last days and their families. I remembered the nurse because she was so compassionate, so caring, while still being so professional. Her team really helped as much as they could. She was there not to talk about her job, but her process of grieving. She had recently lost her mother, who had spent her last week as a patient on her ward, 2 south. Suddenly, she was just another family member, starting the long process of grieving, but with a catch. She was also a nurse, and in charge of the ward, and for her that made life so much harder. For her family, it was like she was fulfilling a special role, one so hard for her under the circumstances. She had the inside knowledge, and her family would bombard her with questions, what did it mean, what would happen next, what was the machine saying, or translating the doctorese for her family. It was a confronting experience for her, trying to be a carer, and a professional, and a grieving child, all in one. It was her team that got her through, making sure they ran interference for her so she could just be a daughter, and they could be the nurses. It was a real eye opener for me - as hard as it is being a family member in these circumstances, how hard again it must be for a medical professional in those circumstances. There is no dodging the reality, no sugar coating. And who cares for the carers, when they are the ones needing care? I guess from all of that then, what I am trying to say is - you dont need to explain, or feel bad. And there is a lot of love and understanding whenever you need it. And admiration and resepct. And that is not dependent on you being the rock for everyone else, its just because you are you.

Hugs to all. Cassie just let yourself be as you are. Its hard enough working through all of the hurt without putting expectations on. You will have days you want to curl up in a ball and hide. Dont worry, we will be here when you uncurl.With chocolate cake. Loving the avatar Mark. What's the time Mr Wolf?. Punishment time....... SO good to read your poems Joe. I always get an amazing sense of energy from them, like all your love and hope is charging down the page and could jump off and give me a hug any time. I feel so alive reading them. Good to see you Breeze Its absolutely critical to get someone who you are able to work with. I had so many shrinks that didnt work before I found one who could. It was all down to me too, I sabotaged them pretty well because a part of me was too frightened to be helped. Now I have a good relationship with one and its amazing how much of a difference it makes. I am hoping to come off my anti-depressants soon, its kind of scary but I am looking forward to it. The side effects are really really annoying and I will be glad to be rid of them. Love to everyone The Colt Roan

Hi All Big hugs to everyone, Joe, Mark, Bee, Acht, Wayne, hh, Ashes, Lacey, Mike. One of the things that I keep coming back to is that depression isnt like a cold, its not there one day gone the next. Often it is a predisposition always waiting. I'm doing better at the moment, for a lot of reasons I'm strokger than I have been for a while. Some time with a good thrapist, some time without too many really bad things happening, but overall I guess I'm just starting to be ok with being myself, and maybe thats the main thing required. I am always wary though that another bad period may only be just around the corner. What I like most about being in a better frome of mind is how much more energy I have and how much more energy I have to give other people. SO if you want to chat anytime, the colt is in Roan

Hi DD. There is hope. :)There is also more pain, but in that it is I guess true to life.

Thanks Stephen. I hope it isnt too hard to read, but I'm glad that you are drawn in despite it. Be prepared for more pain, but also joy and redemption, for that is life

Thanks Sam I appreciate the compliment, even more so from someone with your gifts.