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Hi All. So good to see everyone here. Mark, OK , I posted my erotic poem. Blackmail comes back to you. (to me) Everybody, please read . I need your honest opinion. i don't know if this genre is right for me. I like the "New You" Keep the pic up, please. "Uncle Wayne"- He is a stud isn't he. I like the new pic. Y_B- I agree . Exercise is a great healer. I like to swim. I don't because of weight issues, but I got brave and took the kids a few weeks ago and fully enjoyed it. Hope I can get back to a regimen. LouisH- I am so sorry. I have had to deal with a few suicides of close friends, but never a lover. My heart aches for you. Communication is key. When I get locked into a deep depressed state, I don't ever tell how I am feeling. I pretend all is fine. I spent most of my life just pretending to live. Inside I was crying for relief. My wife learned to "see" the mood change,but she never really understood what I felt or had any compassion for me. She had the typical"just kick yourself and get over it" response. I like to think I would talk before I did anything drastic, but I have been real close and didn't say anything. It gets scary sometimes. Now I have all of you here at GA. Man, what a blessing.!!! I know what Mark says about Stuart hits home with me. I think Stu and I are alike in many ways. I see it in Stu's profile and in his writing.HUGS Stu!!! Mark- I loved to run around naked when I was your age. Not so much now. Not a pretty sight. Bee-I don't think Mark keeps too much from you. We all have our secrets.More HUGS Bee!!! HI Clara. I am still gonna get that link for you. (The WayBack was still up last I looked.) Try again?-I am glad you can enjoy swimming. Like Mark said, it is the best sport. And biking has to be # 2. Both are favorites of mine, but seldom enjoyed.I like that you gave up smoking,too. I did that about 10 years ago. I had an unwanted push tho'. I was in the hospital with a broken hip and had no way to smoke. The doctor stressed how much faster I would heal if I gave them up. I am proud of that feat. Who can afford them now? And losing weight. That is so hard to do. You GO Girl!!!! Mark-I hope you learn to swim. For me, it is almost a spiritual feeling when I first hit the water. I am a Scorpio,water sign I think. I had a bad experience when I was 6 or so at swimming lessons. I had been out sick for one or two lessons. When I went back they said jump in the 10 foot end. Well, I always did what I was told. They fished me out with a long pole. I sank like a rock and swallowed half the pool. It was only 6 or 8 years ago that I forced myself to conquer my fear of deep water and then taught myself to swim. My greatest feeling of accomplishment was swimming in a nearby lake that is said to be 400 feet deep. I was right at home. Y_B-I think motivation is good if you take it with the right spirit or attitude. Whether it comes from within or from a need to please. I found, after my divorce I had a ton of energy to improve myself. Then,I reallized I had a negative,"I'll show you" attitude. I wasn't getting anywhere. But I now am inspired to improve for the sake of my grandkids and my son and my friends etc and it's all positive and good. I don't know if it could be reverse motivation or what, but I think in recent years my fear of facing the reallity of my gay side caused me to let /or make? myself get fat and "ugly" as a defence. I found I could not deal with any perceived advances and hid behind the facade. I think we all want to take our frustrations out on others. Or at least just vent them. It usually ends the way you found. Not appreciated. That's what this forum is best at. Just say what needs to be said and no one will jump on you for it. Writing in a journal would be similar.Tho' I have never done it. Just a way to ge t thoughts and feelings out. Writing for me has become a need and a sport. It gives me a way to open the emotional walls and vent a lot of negativity and a way to just express the good side of me and the love and caring that has been hidden for so long.HUGS!!! Y_B Mark-You and Stu are a success story that is an inspiration to us all. You are doing things right. Stay strong and keep going.GROUP HUG!!! Love to all. Thanks for sharing.

Hi LouisHaris. I think we all agree that Mark and Stu are exceptional people. I believe they will conquer the world. For me, manic depression is a roller coaster. Going thru' the farthest extremes of emotion. And for no reason. I have not been clinically diagnosed. I don't know if bipolar is the same thing. People have said I exibit both syndromes. So many here have been thru' truly horrible circumstances. I feel somewhat petty with the issues I deal with. I feel we all are learning and healing by sharing here. Thank you for your input. And ,yes mark I do worry too much. I will post my X rated poem if you post the new pics.

Cas. This is great. A classic story .I like this version.

Hi Comic. Roan put his profile back up. I guess he's back. Daz said he was OK last night. I don't think it was you. I wish things were better for you. Glad you can stay busy. And I want to see Mark's new pics.

Hi Mark. Hugs to you. Glad to hear the toe is better. Back to work always feels good. Warm weather helps the mood too. Mid 60's here after some very cold days. New pic will be a plus. Only if your ready. I posted a new poem . Not doing THAT one yet. I do plan to. I'm working on a sequel to it. Hope I get it (them?) posted soon. The poem about the eagle is coming along too. Nothing more from Roan. Hope he's OK. I know he's strong but there are parts of him that are very fragile.

Hi Rac.I think Darren is with him . I hope THEY are OK. He said something here on GA upset him. He has been quite fragile. I too hope for the best.

Thanks Y_B and Mark. I heard from dc. He says Roan is upset and not real well but basically OK .

Hey All. Our friend Roan just posted a very cryptic "BYE" on his profile update. I am extremely worried. Can anybody tell me I don't need to worry,Please.

I better go get some sleep.

HI Comic Thanks I am better. I hope you aren't too deep in car issues. Cars and toilets are my evil enemies. "Join the club"-You don't tell when you're pissed? EDIT: I think I am losing it. I knew I posted this and then it was gone. i posted again and this came back. I must re-evaluate my assessment of the value of sleep.

OOPs I was back one page when I posted. hh5...Hi Harold. I love that description. NCIS crime scene. That has to be a bad atmosphere to live in I hope you got away from it ? Mark You could not be like your mother. Total opposite I think. HUGS for you too Mark.

Hi Mark Great step forward, that hug right. Good one!!! Glad the toe is doing OK. Hi Lily I thought I was the one that didn't tell people why they pissed me off and then wondered why they kept pissing me off. We have sunshine and 50 degrees(F). WOOHOO The first nice day in a long while. Hey Mark I'm going to PM a poem. Tell me what you think. It is another first attempt. I am not keen on posting it. You can beta for me OK?

Hey you guys make the movie. I'll take Mr. Corrigan and find some way to entertain him.

Mark and Comic and All Thanks for being there for me. It all turned out better than it could have. I had a good day today and yesterday. Made all the better for comparing to a bad day. Also, it's a plus to have a bad day because I care about others. It wasn't me imploding or some such personaly. My son is doing well. He has had good financial and career news today. Mike, I still worry about. I think he is drinking regularly and he can not drink at all. He just can't control it. He had a pregnant woman in the truck and she and baby are OK. She won't let up how he screwed up. Mark I guess I should publish that poem. It won't fit anywhere. I will have to start a new story page for it. Mark Take care of that toe. A good time to polish some toys,eh? Y_B and Anya and Mike I think I am bi-polar. I have not been diagnosed. I fit the profile of what I always called manic-depressive. I think they are names for the same thing. I find talking here helps more than anything. And I get it out by writing. I hope you find this thread and the GA site as beneficial as I have. I have not had good luck with shrinks or with meds. I will do without both. Mark is my shrink now. Send me a bill, Mark. Y_B and Westie A Corrigan movie? I want a torrent link. Or a part in the movie. I had a long post typed up and hit Alt or something and erased everything. I was using notepad because it has happened before. I got brave and quit . I am using notepad now. Does anyone else do that? Lose a post on occasion? Anyway you guys don't have to read a mile long "book" that I had going. Thanks to all just for sharing.

Thank you mark. Here is My tale. KIND OF A BAD DAY This one has been published. (Thanks Mark)

Hi All. Hi Comic. I am sorry you had to deal with all that. Your dad's issues were bad enough. A major put down like that is uncalled for. I'm glad you're working through it. I know how hard it is when food is the issue but has also been the comfort. I turn to food for most any reason. I have weight issues as well. Keep going forward.You're doing OK. Hi Mark. That poem for you contains a lot of my heart and soul. I hope you can draw strength from it indefinitely. I give it to you with admiration and gratitude. You are blessed with a deep insight and strength. You are an old soul. I wish only the best for you. I'm glad you and Comic are close. I feel close to both of you and know you are good for each other. Thanks for looking out for him Comic. I do feel confident that I am a writer. I have the ability to write. I still feel I receive the ability from a higher source. What I write I can now feel is coming from my own heart. I have to go. I have had a strange day. And now another emergency of sorts. I need all your strength now. Joe

How did I get into this one? Hmmm. It would have been very odd in the 50's and 60's to have two dads. Now it is accepted. In some places more than others. You don't specify that one of the two has to be my real Dad, so I will use two unknown fathers to alleviate some discomfort there. I, like has been stated, would find questions of sexual identity easier to deal with. I was very sensitive and emotional and had to hide it to be an acceptable male in that time. Perhaps I could have been more open about my true self with a less conservative household. The UBER religion I lived with might not have been the case. Not saying you can't be a religious man and be gay. Just don't see the extreme level I had to deal with being a reality. I can't picture another aspect that would be so different. I guess the social circles would alter and offer a new dynamic. Thanks michael. That got some gray matter exercizing a bit.

That was great Com. I had my suit out for a wedding. I hope you're feeling better.

Hey Stuby. He is very special.I'm so glad I can honor him in some way. He has done so much for me.

Mark, I have been trying to find that "image" of you to put on paper. This is how I see you. I'm so glad you like it.You deserve only good things.

PURE ANCIENT SOUL He witnessed Pangaea rise up to be The first dry land upon ancient sea He has seen Atlantis from it's birth Seen it reclaimed by Mother Earth He fought with Trojans in long epic wars And lost to a horse that contained sabateurs He has since worn fine robes. Worn various crowns And lived as a commoner in various towns This ancient soul has seen all sides of life And now must endure yet more pain and strife He's now a young man who is battered and sore He farms

Hey Cel. Hey Mike. It was an epic tale in progress. 169 chapters and the story was only beginning. I have faith that we will see it return and continue. It is a story that HAS to be told. And only Tristan can tell it properly. He has support world-wide. I know he can feel our love and admiration.

Hey jars. If I get any info I will share it here.I will make sure you are informed.

Y_B thanks for the drink-although I seldom drink anymore,I enjoy a Baily's and coffee. W_L if our work-life is out of sorts it can overtake our whole being. Take Rustle's advice and make a major change if at all possible. You are young enough to make a new start. Having a partner sure would smooth some rough parts,I know. I have been alone by choice with my depression driving me to be a hermit of sorts. Now I think one of the reasons I stayed in that darkness was to avoid facing the fact that I needed someone to share with. I had no self-confidence to see myself ever finding someone. I have a little more confidence now and I'm willing to face the lonliness until that time comes. Only with all you good people to lean on. Harold - good to see you here. We will talk again soon. Mark, the first impact you had on me was your open, honest SELF. From day one I felt able to tell you anything and knew you could do the same. You were the first face I saw here at GA and I never tire of your company. Y_B I should do that. Write down a plan or a focus. I sometimes live in a dream-state.Just hope things resolve.They seldom do without positive input. Keep repeating the same action and expect a different outcome-what do they call that? That's what I do. The other extreme-when I get totally manic is wanting everything to change NOW. I think I can fix everything at once. Then, I think I get depressed when THAT doesn't happen. I have a pretty reallistic outlook now though. Change the things I can and accept the rest. And lean on you guys. Clara-Hi-It is like a new world when that dark shadow lifts. You smell the air. See the sunshine. It's like a rebirth. And to just feel love again. There is nothing but hate in that shadow. Even the extreme emotions I have are worth it now ,to stay in the light if I can. I now have my- MY- poetry. I have been afraid to own it. I felt like it was foreign and just invading my brain. I think I accept it as something OF me now. I can dispell a lot of emotion in a few lines of verse. And this open communication is better than all the drugs or doctors or shrinks ever. Clara -Thanks for just being you. Clara, my heart goes out to you for your loss of your loved one. If you need a shoulder or anything,I'm here. HUGS And one for your sweety-HUGS Mark- enjoy the food man. You work hard. You're young and healthy. Everything in moderation. And especially moderation.Churchil or somebody said that. And don't stop LOBBING!! I think that defines you. Thats the open honest guy I love. I am going to start doing it. The hell with the neighbors. Comic-Sorry for your loss as well. I am glad you could step in and help your Dad. Even stressful times give us fond memories to foster in the future. And ,it is the caretaker who often overlooks taking care of himself. Good advice to lend a shoulder but also ask for one when needed. Mark and an erotic dream turn nightmare. Sounds like a rough night for sure. But, you sound like your feeling more yourself a bit now. Keep looking ahead. And please don't sell that place. I have to come see it sometime. You would not be happy in the real world. You have an enchanted kingdom of your own there. You feel trapped there ,I know,but that will alleviate with time. Then you will have the best of both worlds. I know, I'm being selfish because I envy you're little Eden there. Even with all the pain and the scars. You can't duplicate something like that. WOW!! I've about written a book here. Thanks for sharing. My love to all, Joe