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huktaunluv

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Blog Entries posted by huktaunluv

  1. huktaunluv
    In my last blog, I wrote about witnessing a young girl commit suicide in front of me by jumping in front of a train. I knew it affected me, but it did more damage than I thought. There are days when I don't dream about it, and those are the good days. I need to go back a few years to explain why my depression came on so slowly that I didn't realize I was depressed.
     
    I had thyroid cancer almost ten years ago, which led to me having a complete thyroidectomy. I have to take a pill for the rest of my life, which acts as a replacement for my missing thyroid, or my body does crazy things. With this said, about a week after witnessing this young woman's death, I missed the occasional dose. Those occasional doses became a week or two here and there to me missing almost eight straight months. The decline in my brain was so gradual that I hadn't realize I lost interest in everything I loved like cooking, working out, and writing (to an extent). My own family didn't pick up on it! Then last summer happened. I didn't bathe or brush my teeth for the longest time. I can count on one hand the times I left the house to do anything recreational. I didn't even go to an amusement park pretending I had no money. It wasn't until I had to return to my seasonal job at a sports venue did I even leave the house on a regular basis.
     
    Over the course of me being off my meds, I experienced excruciating pain in my hands and toes. I stayed in bed all day, gained weight, lost hair, and my teeth weakened, yet, I still didn't put the pieces together. Then one day this past February while at work, I experienced a weird coldness creep through my body and I could barely hold anything. I went to the EMT's on duty and had them check me out. Upon not being able to get an accurate read on my BP, they urged me to go to the hospital.
     
    I agreed. It was at the hospital I learned that my BP was dangerously low and my TSH (thyroid-stimulating hormone) level was the lowest any health professional had ever seen. Upon asking me further questions, I explained about the suicide I'd witnessed, and how it affected me and my head space to take my pills every day.
     
    After talking to someone they helped me see my depression was mainly due to me going off my meds, and not the young woman. I do feel better having been back on my meds steadily now for seven months! I still have my days but they're not as frequent as they had been.
     
    I still wrote during my hazy head time. Looking back on what I wrote, I know for certain my head was wonky because not everything made sense. I've corrected them and hope to get back to writing on a daily basis, and update the chapters I have here on GA.
     
    Sorry if this rambled on and doesn't make sense, I'm still working out the kinks.
     
    Thank you! That is all!
  2. huktaunluv
    I've always wondered what drives people to the decision to end their life. In certain cases I can understand why, I may not agree but I understand. There are a few who choose to do it in the privacy of their homes while other's choose a more public forum. The reason I bring this up is because last Monday, I was waiting for the train on my way into work. A young lady and her friend were talking but I had my headphones on and couldn't hear what they were saying. The young lady looked down the tunnel when she felt the breeze of the train approaching the station. While looking at her friend and smiling brightly, she jumped. I'll never forget the sounds from that day, the point of impact, the screams, and the screeching brakes of the train. I'll most certainly will not forget the sounds her friend, as she screamed and cried hysterically. People were clamoring around trying to keep her from crawling to the edge to look for her. She kept asking, 'why?", over and over again.
     
    I stood there paralyzed for the first time in my life not knowing what to do. If you knew me personally, you would know I'm the one people turn to in times of crisis because I know how to keep my wits about me, but not in this case. I stood there frozen not knowing what to do. I, too, began to cry for this person I didn't know, while cursing her for doing what she did in front of not only complete strangers but her friend. I've never seen anyone die except in movies. I wished this had been a movie because to see it happen in person is jarring. I have no idea who this young lady was but she has changed my life in a way I never wanted to experience. Why did she choose that moment to end her life in such a public and gruesome way? Was this a declaration of her love for someone? I don't know. I have all these questions that I'll never learn the answer to. This young girl has affected the lives of numerous people who are all connected know even though we may not be aware. The train conductor has to live with the fact this girl died even though it was not his fault. To the rest of us, we were all apart of this girl's decision to die without regards to what it would do to us after she succeeded in her mission.
     
    I've tried to go back to my normal life but it's not normal anymore. I have nightmare's which doesn't help the insomnia I've suffered from for almost twenty years. There have been times when I'm in the middle of something and it'll sneak its way in throwing me off my game. It's been just over a week and I know I have to give myself more time to try and get over what I'd witnessed, but I wish it would happen soon. I hate feeling like this.
     
    So, I try to find solace in my writing and reading other people's stories. It's helped me in a way I could never express. I'm glad I have them in my life because I honestly don't know where I would be without them. It allows me to escape, if even for a little while. I'll keep going on because it's all I can do. I choose to keep on living!
  3. huktaunluv
    Over the years, you either learn who you are as a person or you don't. I've learned that when you have the right people in your life everything will run smoothly. There might be a couple of bumps along the way but you learn to keep going. There seems to be at least one bump which turns into a freaking insurmountable obstacle you don't think you can get over.
     
    My insurmountable obstacle came when I worked to a large retail store who could give a flying f$*K about there employees. When I was hired for a full-time position, I had plans for the money I'd make to help pay bills, loans, and rent. Imagine my surprise to arrive my first day and told I was no longer be full-time but part-time. Needless to say, I had better days. Miffed at the revelation, I kicked myself for having passed on another job offered to me. I wanted to quit on the spot but chose to stay because no one else was hiring at the time.
     
    I was able to keep my head above water until the store tied an anchor around an ankle, I felt myself begin to sink. I've never struggled like this in my life while working a job. If it weren't for my family, I would've been evicted from my apartment because I couldn't pay my bills, school loans plus the rent with the money I was making. I actively looked for new work but to no avail. I'm normally a fun loving person but I became ornery and distant. This place literally sucked away who I was as a person and I didn't like it. When the opportunity came to work in the merchandising department for a major university, I jumped at the chance even though I thought I had no chance. I sent in my resume and cover letter, not expecting to hear from the university. I was wrong. Two days later, I receive a phone call wanting to setup an interview because they liked what they saw on paper. All I had to do was sell myself in person and the job was mine.
     
    The interview was a scary one. I'd never had the need for a job the way I needed this one. I didn't let my job at the time dictate that that was where I would be stuck at for the rest of my life. I walked in with my gorgeous smile and didn't look back. They hired me on the spot! They liked my enthusiasm and my past experience in selling merchandise at retail level. I've worked at my new job now for only three weeks but I'm no longer drowning from an anchor around my ankle. I'm floating along now.
     
    I'm unbelievably tired because I work 40+ hours a week. I hardly have time to write the way I used to but I'm constantly writing down notes and ideas while at work. I'm hoping to write properly on my days off. For those who follow my stories, please know that I've not abandoned them in anyway. My new job is keeping me busy but I hope to have new chapters to you in a couple of weeks, hopefully.
     
    Here's my wish for my 38th year and every year after: to not have that type of financial struggle from my 37th year. It took a toll on my body in a way I hadn't realized until I left my other job. In the three weeks since I've been at the university, I've dropped 20 lbs. Yay, me! I plan on living it up more. I was so focused on the money aspect of my life, I let other things fall to the wayside, like my love life. I mentioned a crush I have on a co-worker in a past blog. I plan on taking the bull by the horns and making something happen. I pray I don't get hurt but how will I know if I don't take a chance.
     
    Well, I'm off to enjoy my birthday. I plan on staying in bed for two more hours before I head over to Starbucks for my free birthday drink (trenta iced tea) and a slice of pepperoni pizza w/ extra cheese for lunch. This is my treat to myself. I can't go crazy because I actually have to work early tomorrow morning....
  4. huktaunluv

    I need to vent!

    By huktaunluv,

    For the past few months, I've had the misfortune of having to work three jobs to keep my head above water financially. This is getting increasingly harder to do now that one job is done for the summer season and the remaining two are constantly cutting back on hours. I've worked almost 50 hours a week sometimes working two jobs a day for three months. But now I find myself barely working twenty hours combined for the last two weeks. How am I supposed to pay bills and rent when my jobs are taking hours away due to "budget cuts" but are hiring new employees every week? One job refuses to turn the AC on past 70 degrees. Hello, that's warm air you have blowing in the store. It only gets worse because the front door is constantly opening, letting in the hot air from outside, making it almost unbearable to stand there without getting a headache or feeling faint. Then add the amount of bodies in the store at any given time only adds to the muggy feeling in the store. No matter how many people complain about how warm and uncomfortable the store is the store manager refuses to turn the AC down a few degrees.
     
    This same store manager told me he couldn't give me the vacation time I requested to go to a family reunion in Maryland. Okay, I was upset but I accepted it. That's until I look at my schedule and realize he gave me four out of the six vacation days I requested. WTF!!!!!! Which means not only do I miss the reunion because I'm working the days I need to travel to Maryland but now I have the week off from work. I can't stand this place!
     
    This place is concerned about the most trivial things except for taking care of their employees. I wish I could mention the store's name but I don't want to risk getting in trouble. One thing I can say: if I didn't need the little money I'm making I would've told the store to kiss my ass as I walked out the door.
     
    I'm frustrated and angry that this is where my life is at this point in time. I'm stressing so hard because I haven't made enough money to pay my rent for July. What am I to do? I don't want to ask my mom because she has her hands full already with my dad who's been sick on and off for the past few years. I don't want to move back home but I don't want to get evicted either because my jobs suck ass! I've already placed applications at new places and are hoping to hear back soon.
     
    I would like things to work out for me just once this year. I need a save and I need it soon!
  5. huktaunluv

    Mortality Sucks!

    By huktaunluv,

    I recently suffered the loss of an aunt. It was unexpected and hard to deal with. Ever since I was little, I've had a problem with the thought of death. My first experience came with the passing of my grandpa (my dad's dad). This was the first and only funeral, I've attended in the almost 38 years I've been alive. At the time of his passing, "Thriller" was in heavy rotation on MTV and the radio. So think of it from my POV, I'm six years old, and I'm watching my grandpa being lowered into the ground. I freaked the fk out. I thought he was going to be one of those scary people who crawled out of the ground like in the video. I never properly healed from that. To this day, I cannot watch "Thriller".
     
    I've had several family members pass over the years. I've found it difficult to pay my respects and honor them by being at the funerals for them and the rest of the family. I feel like crap for not being there but what else can I do? I know if I go, I'll have a severe panic attack. But I don't want anyone to know that because then, I'll feel like a freak.
     
    My father was recently in the hospital. He was released last week. I worried more about him this time around because he's older and it takes longer for him to recover. I hated seeing him hooked up to the machines but it's better than the alternative. I'm at that stage in life when I see my parents and dread the thought of losing either one of them. They are loved dearly by me, my older sister, younger brother, and my precocious 11 yr. old niece (grandpa's baby girl). I love my family and I have a hard time knowing that any minute, they will cease to exist, and that saddens me beyond words.
     
    I worry about my own mortality because I haven't accomplished anything worthwhile. Before I leave this mortal plane, I want to do something memorable. I know my family and friends love me and some people don't have that in their lives, so why should I complain. Because I want something more. I should be married or in a committed relationship, at least, but I'm not. I haven't been part of a couple in what seems like eons. My life right now consists of working three jobs, writing and that's about it. I need to do more with my life before I leave this Earth. What should I do? Watch as the rest of my life passes me by or go out there and do something that makes me happy. I'll have to go out and see what I come up with. I've had my eye on my coworker for a while. I think he's feeling me too. Who knows? I might be part of a couple again. I don't want to be an old spinster, like Miss Havisham. Please, don't let me end up like her.
     
    Sorry, if this reads like I'm rambling. I just had to get these thoughts out of my head.
  6. huktaunluv
    After one the worst years of my life last year, I look to 2014 with a new attitude and a new fondness for life.
     
    2013 brought about the loss of a friend (they didn't die), an unexpected emergency surgery and the length of my hair.
     
    The friend, I'd mentioned in a past blog I'd written, is still a sore spot with me because I never received the closure, I felt I was owed from my ex-friend. I've seen this person but I was in a rush to get to catch the last bus for me to get home. I saw her and I know she saw me but after trying to talk to her multiple times over the year, I kind of treated this moment the way she had prior and pretended I didn't see her. Childish?...most definitely. Did it help? No, not in the least. I still miss hanging out with her and would love for there to be a resolve. Not only for my peace of mind but for her too. Then we can go our separate ways and be familiar strangers. Does that make sense? I'd rather be cordial rather than trying to avoid situations or events that this other person could possibly be.
     
    The unexpected surgery throw me for a serious loop. I'd written about that in another blog too. Over the last two years or so, I'd experienced lower back pain that always ripped me from my sleep. It took hours before the pain would subside and I was able to function. Nothing seemed to help the pain except time. The only thing I could do was lie on the couch and try to find a comfortable position. I'd gone to the emergency room a total of four times before I got an actual diagnosis. The surgery had me out of commission for nearly a month and I actually found myself kind of depressed. I was unable to work and that put a huge financial strain on me, I'd just moved to a new townhouse two months prior. Not making money made it hard to pay my portion of the rent and my roommate was awesome in helping pay a little extra. I'm still trying to play catch up. I'm enjoying my new digs and hoping the job interview I have on Monday will lead to another job and make things better. The only good thing to come from the surgery was the way I had to approach eating food. Since this happened, I've lost nearly forty pounds and the weight is still coming off. YAY!
     
    My hair has paid a huge price. I stressed so much over everything over the year that my hair fell out in patches. My hair normally shoulder length had to be cut to almost an inch to accommodate for the hair that I'd lost. I'm hoping that once the stress has alleviated that my hair will once again start to grow. FINGERS CROSSED!!!!!
     
    What do I want for the new year? To not have a repeat of what happened last year. No more losing friends, no more surgeries and definitely no more losing hair (IT SUCKS!). Plus, I'm hoping to start up a little something, something with my crush, Chad from work. He's so fine.
     
    I hope the new year brings about all the changes you'd like to make for yourselves.
  7. huktaunluv
    Over the past year, I've experienced episodes of back pain accompanied with bouts of nausea. The first few times I rode them out and didn't seek medial help. The last three times before this week, I sought out medical attention through the ER and with my primary doctor. I had my kidneys checked and knew they were not the cause of my pain.
     
    Then early Saturday morning of last week, I had an attack which left me in tears and went to the ER. I explained all my symptoms and told the doc I didn't think my kidneys were the cause. She ignored my statement and had my kidneys checked anyway. One kidney stone was found but not on the side of my pain. After being there for four hours, I was discharged with having severe muscle spasms. I looked at my sister an shrugged because I knew something else was going on and they hadn't found or looked for the source of my pain. The pain went away for two days but I found myself getting more and more uncomfortable as the week went on.
     
    Then this past Friday was the last straw. I went to another ER and told them everything that had happened and with the diagnosis I had been given the week before at the other hospital. This doc listened to the symptoms I told him I experienced. He said he was not going to let me go home without finding out what was wrong with me. He got my paperwork and scans from the other hospital; performed an ultrasound.
     
    I checked into the ER at 8pm and was admitted four hours later after it was discovered I had huge gall stones and they had to be removed ASAP. I'm glad I decided to go to another hospital and this doc listened to me when I told him what was wrong. I will not be going back to the other hospital for any medical emergencies in the future.
     
    Thanks for all the well wishes I'd received. They were greatly appreciated.
  8. huktaunluv
    so I'm off to the hospital again! I went to the ER last Saturday morning, I felt good for a day but have been unbelievably uncomfortable ever since then. I'm hoping I can get a better diagnosis at this hospital than what I got at the last one. I have a nagging feeling something was overlooked and I'll regret not going back to have myself looked over again. I'm just nervous about what can be found but I'd rather have a definitive answer than play a game of "What If?" Well I'm off!
  9. huktaunluv

    I'm Exhausted!

    By huktaunluv,

    I've been up since 4:30am. I was awakened by stabbing pains in my lower back which induced nausea. I was so nervous, I went to the ER and was just released an hour ago. My doc thought it was kidney stones but it turned out to be just a severe muscle spasm. I tried to go back to sleep but I'm still feeling the pain in my back. Now, I'm hanging out in my living room, on the couch, watching the first season of "2 Broke Girls", and debating which season of "The Big Bang Theory" to watch. Decisions. Decisions.
  10. huktaunluv

    Today's My Birthday!

    By huktaunluv,

    I find myself asking two questions: I'm another year older (37) but am I another year wiser? Am I still supposed to make mistakes at this age?
     
    I've made choices in one instance which inadvertently ended a friendship. In this case, I know what I did wrong but my former friend takes no blame for her part. She sees herself as the person wronged in this situation and refuses to even talk to me. I give people chances. I gave her multiple chances for us to talk but she chose each time to walk away. How does one deal with being brushed off by someone you thought was a friend?
     
    I thought I was helping her out but later learned in a text she sent me, I was being used. Shouldn't I be the one upset at her? With each passing day, I found myself getting angrier and angrier at her to the point, I stressed myself out. How did I let her have that much power it messed with me physically? If anyone had asked me a year ago, if I would lose this friendship, I would've said they were crazy. It turns out I was the crazy one. I never thought things would happen they way they had but I was wrong. I'd seen how she treated others but never thought I would be on the receiving end.
     
    My first clue should've been how others perceived her. I knew she could be judgmental, prissy, condescending, incapable of seeing others' point of view and a major snob, but I didn't care because I liked her. What the hell was I thinking?
     
    It's only been four months since this friendship ended. Though I miss hanging out, I know I have other people in my life, while she has just her cats. She has alienated so many people that she has no one. Should I relish in this fact or be sad for her? I know I shouldn't care but we'd been friends for ten years. I stood by her when she had no one to talk to when she had her legal troubles and didn't have a place to stay. The one time I let her down, she was willing to cut me loose, and did it all through a text. She didn't have the guts to say it to my face. What should I do? Let it go... YES! If it was so easy for her to end our friendship the way she had in a text, then it was never a friendship to begin with and I'm better off without her.
     
    I don't know if I'm wiser but I'm definitely smarter. Making mistakes is the only way one can continue to grow as a person, no matter what their age. Some people will learn while others will make the same mistake over and over. I, for one, will not be one of those people. Lesson learned. Here's to my next mistake.
     
    This is something I had to vent and get off my chest.
  11. huktaunluv
    I never had to come out as being straight, it was just something known by everybody who knows me. I haven't the slightest idea what it means or how it feels to come out as being gay. So how do I go about writing my main characters coming out having not had to go through it myself? I went on instinct. I had numerous directions I could go writing in the way they came out and the reactions of the parents. Do they accept them? Are they indifferent? Are they quoting from the Bible while throwing holy water? I wasn't quite sure but something was going to happen.
     
    Trying to convey what I thought could happen was extremely difficult. When writing the scene I had to step back and reevaluate the direction I was going. Then I was able to write what I thought were honest and heartbreaking reactions on behalf of the parents and of the boys. Wrestling with the conflict within themselves and wondering if their parents will still love them. What will happen when the rest of their family and friends find out?
     
    Then I found myself at a wall I could not climb, after I was finished with the initial coming out and confrontation with the parents. Everything had been said and done, how do the main characters continue to interact with each other? Are they depressed? Are they mad at each other? Do they blame themselves? Does their bond continue to grow?
     
    I'd written literally five different scenarios and was not happy with any of them. I was unable to write. Not quite sure of the direction I wanted to go or how to end this chapter because I changed my mind so many times. I'd written numerous notes for this chapter although 90% of my ideas made it, it was filling in the rest that threw me for a loop. I stopped writing for another three days when I came up with the current ending to the chapter. I've made revision but the idea and result are still the same.
     
    When the chapter is published, I hope to get honest reactions to my take on coming out. I going to continue to write until I have this story written to its completion. Most might not like the direction I go but know it's for a reason and I do have a main goal in mind. To write about a relationship regardless of sexual orientation to being close to real as possible. I know what I want to happen for them but I find myself zooming down the highway and having unlimited exits I could go. But I know no matter which one I take I'll end up at the ending I have envisioned for this story. I'm looking forward to the journey and hope others are willing to go along with me.
  12. huktaunluv
    As a young child, I was an avid reader and a book hoarder. By the time I was nine, I'd already accumulated over 800 books and counting. My mother allowed me to read whenever and whatever I wanted, which was the best thing she could've done for me growing up. Though my 6th grade teacher had a problem with my reading, "The Color Purple" during class, I continued to read on.
     
    I read so much, I decided I wanted to become a writer, one of the many professions I wanted to do growing up in the 80s and 90s. I decide I'm going to write, by creating and developing stories, people wanted to read. Writing about characters who could be anyone you passed on the street, but also not making the character so generic that storylines could be predicted.
     
    I told my mother that I wanted to start writing. I honestly thought she was going to laugh in my face. Instead, she dug out her old typewriter and bought my stacks of white paper, along with whiteout. I would tap, tap, tap on that typewriter until all my thoughts were on paper. I'd written about 200 short stories and book over a five-year period from the age of 10 to 15 yrs. old, never letting a soul read what I'd written. Too nervous to hear people's opinion, I guess. It was two years before I wrote again. It was my junior year of high school and my creative writing class was asked to create a short horror story, nothing too long but had to be longer than two pages. Well, I go on to write almost twenty five pages because I'd developed these characters in my mind and knew what I wanted to happen.
     
    Everyday in class I would add to this story and my classmates would read the story over my shoulder wondering what I was writing about during the class. When the story was finished, my teacher was so impressed, he wanted to submit my story to a young writer's contest. I was excited. My teacher liked my story so much, he thought I might have a chance at winning in a contest. Then I drummed up all this self-doubt in my gut, I told my teacher not to submit me in the contest and it was the last thing I wrote.
     
    I lost my passion for writing and with it, my love for reading. I went on to go to school for broadcast radio and my second love, culinary. I went about my life. If it were for the internet I can honestly say, I wouldn't have started to write again. On the internet, you can be anyone and no one knows. It allows you to seek out avenues you wouldn't necessarily do in person.
     
    Gay literature is this avenue for me. I wouldn't say I'm obsessed with the gay lifestyle but intrigued. To me relationships are the same for all couples straight, gay, bi-curious or whatever. What any one person in any relationship wants is love and acceptance, without the pressure of being something they are not. I watched my colorful gay TV shows but wondered if there was something more I was missing because most of them seemed one dimensional. I watched youtube.com and watched overseas gay shows and saw so much more depth than what I was getting in the USA. Then I ventured into the gay literature realm. I found it reawakened my thought process for writing but I was still apprehensive. What would I know about being gay and writing about it, I don't. But I do know what I would want in my relationship and it's love. All I have to do is write about two characters who love each other and the rest would come to me. Of course, I would have to do research about certain aspects and hope I portray it accurately.
     
    Then I came upon a website a year ago; an author by the name of robcub32 and his amazing story, 'Timber Pack Chronicles'. This is how I wanted my own characters to be in my writing. Loving and faithful, working to try and overcome hurdles in their way. I finished reading all of his stories and was inspired to write one of my own.
     
    It was about two months' ago, when I started writing the first chapter of my current story, 'Aaron's Dilemma'. I'd started to write it initially to be a short story but found I couldn't do it. I had to make it longer and more layered. It wasn't until I followed robcub32 (Rob Colton) here to gayauthors.org, when I started to rework my story and post the first chapter online. When I received my first positive feedback and I knew I'd found where I should be. I never thought I would have people like and care about the characters, I'd created. I hope I can take my readers on a journey with them, through their ups and downs, wondering how they themselves would handle any situations my characters find themselves in.
     
    I don't think I'll ever be this unbelievably popular writer, but I hope I can garner a few fans, who respect my writing and my stories. As long as they're reading, I'll be writing.
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