I've always wondered what drives people to the decision to end their life. In certain cases I can understand why, I may not agree but I understand. There are a few who choose to do it in the privacy of their homes while other's choose a more public forum. The reason I bring this up is because last Monday, I was waiting for the train on my way into work. A young lady and her friend were talking but I had my headphones on and couldn't hear what they were saying. The young lady looked down the tunnel when she felt the breeze of the train approaching the station. While looking at her friend and smiling brightly, she jumped. I'll never forget the sounds from that day, the point of impact, the screams, and the screeching brakes of the train. I'll most certainly will not forget the sounds her friend, as she screamed and cried hysterically. People were clamoring around trying to keep her from crawling to the edge to look for her. She kept asking, 'why?", over and over again.
I stood there paralyzed for the first time in my life not knowing what to do. If you knew me personally, you would know I'm the one people turn to in times of crisis because I know how to keep my wits about me, but not in this case. I stood there frozen not knowing what to do. I, too, began to cry for this person I didn't know, while cursing her for doing what she did in front of not only complete strangers but her friend. I've never seen anyone die except in movies. I wished this had been a movie because to see it happen in person is jarring. I have no idea who this young lady was but she has changed my life in a way I never wanted to experience. Why did she choose that moment to end her life in such a public and gruesome way? Was this a declaration of her love for someone? I don't know. I have all these questions that I'll never learn the answer to. This young girl has affected the lives of numerous people who are all connected know even though we may not be aware. The train conductor has to live with the fact this girl died even though it was not his fault. To the rest of us, we were all apart of this girl's decision to die without regards to what it would do to us after she succeeded in her mission.
I've tried to go back to my normal life but it's not normal anymore. I have nightmare's which doesn't help the insomnia I've suffered from for almost twenty years. There have been times when I'm in the middle of something and it'll sneak its way in throwing me off my game. It's been just over a week and I know I have to give myself more time to try and get over what I'd witnessed, but I wish it would happen soon. I hate feeling like this.
So, I try to find solace in my writing and reading other people's stories. It's helped me in a way I could never express. I'm glad I have them in my life because I honestly don't know where I would be without them. It allows me to escape, if even for a little while. I'll keep going on because it's all I can do. I choose to keep on living!