Chaz

My brother called me a few minutes ago. I asked why he was calling so early? He said he just wanted to talk to me. I said alright and walked away from the bedroom. Green is still sleeping so I didn't want to wake him. When I walked into the living room I found David and Selene sitting at the table as Steve made them breakfast. He asked me if I wanted some I nodded but I walked into the living room instead. So we talked. He said that he wanted to speak to me about all of this. He told me that he was just so tired of being something he's not. I told him that I felt the same. When I met Green I felt like I was drowning in my own closet. I too came out because I couldn't deal with it any longer. I knew I was in love with Green from the first time I saw him. I told him all of this and I asked if there was someone he was interested in. He said yes and I asked him who it was, deep down hoping it wasn't Green or someone I knew for that matter. he told me who it was. It was a friend he and I have. He lives back in our hometown and he is supposed to be here tonight. He is most certainly straight. I told him that our friend was straight and he seemed down. I told him that it's never that easy. I had to literally stalk Green just to get him to go on our first date. I invited him to the party tonight. He said He'd come. I know they're is going to be a lot of people here and maybe he can find someone to just talk to. I think my brother is just lonely right now. I know we all know how that feels. David and Steve thought that it was a great idea. Selene did not but she kept quiet. I sat next to her and have her a huge hug. She softened a little after that. Green might object though, we'll see. I guess these people are also my family right now. Green has always made sure that his friends feel welcome in his home. David keeps saying that Green saved his life. We all know he saved my older brother's life. I also yelled at Selene for bringing up Green's ex and comparing me to him. David didn't know about this so he gave her a disappointed look. She apologized for that. Steve is still mystery to me. He and I haven't talked too much. I guess green and David knew him from high school. Green was a wee bit mean to him. I know this though he can cook a great stack of pancakes. Blueberry pancakes that is. I am going to try to get some sleep. I just wanted to add this because it's my first real post under my name. Chaz

Without a doubt but do we care?

I saw this movie with My Boyfriend Green and Green hated it. He said that he had seen many movies with gay themes that was better than this. I disagree with him. I cried too when I saw it because it touched me deep inside. I felt like I was connected with the characters and their situation. I however did not think that this was the best movie at the Academy awards, not that Crash was either mind you. I think Munich was a better movie than Brokeback Mountain. It had better actors and a great director. I know some of you might disagree but you should really see Munich if you havent. Chaz

Thank You Mikie and thank someone for this blog. It's saving us both and everyone in here is so supportive. I want to say thanks to everyone for their support. It really helps us when we need it. I can see why Green loves it so much. Chaz

I don't like how things are going with my brother and me. I feel like I am being burdened with stuff I just began to escape from. When I was younger someone tried to get me to do sexual stuff with him. He almost raped me once. This man just recently died and he was such a good friend of the family and since he never got to do anything to me I never said anything. The problem is that my brother just recently remembered about this and he keeps questioning me about it. He wants to know if this is what made me the way I am. This really pisses me off because I am trying to move on from this. For years I felt ashamed and guilty about this and when i came out I finally felt free of it. My brother is just throwing this in my face. I asked him if it happened to him and he said that it did but he never got to do anything because they were interrupted. I also asked him if he was gay and he just got angry with me and tried to change the conversation, but I couldnt let him do it. I asked him again and he looked at me before saying, "Yeah I'm a f**king fag and I dont like it." This hit me hard. "That man made me gay." I couldn't face him after this so I walked away. I talked with Green's therapist. I dont like her she knows too much. She saw right through me and I felt like she was ripping me apart. This must be how Green feels when he says that he is drowning because that's exactly how I feel. My mother called and she asked me the same questions. I just want this to be over. My brother is gay and I was wrong. I feel guilty because I could have been there for him too. I feel angry because of the way he feels. Ugh right now I would take Green's brother over all of this. Chaz

Green thinks that he is Gay. I'm not so convinced. I talked to my sister and my other brother about this. My sister agrees with Green but my older brother says that he isnt. I dont really know what to think about this. I called him today and he didn't answer. My mother told me that she has been concerned about him. He hasn't been home since last month. he only calls. I called his girlfriend. She tells me that I am a jerk and hangs up. I am frustrated with this. I feel like I am being blamed for something I have no control over. I just wwant him to tell me what the hell is going on. I called his girlfriend back and demanded that she tell me what the hell is going on with him. She told me that she really didnt know but she thought I had done something. What? ERRRR this is making me mad. Chaz

Alright I think i have to clear this up a little. Green is really angry and I told him to post this here because he might be able to reflect his anger. Rob was telling one of his friends about stuff Green had told him in secret. Stuff I didnt even know until now. I mean it was something between the both of them that didnt need to be told to other people. We were eating at a restaurant near school, Rob didnt see us when he came in with his friend. green was going to say hi when we heard his name. Green sat back down and let him speak. Even I couldnt believe what came out and how he said it. So green showing his almighty bravado gets up and walks over to him. I tried to pull him back but Rob had already seen him. Green asked him why he was telling this guy all of this and all Rob could say was that it was true. I have to admit I saw it coming. I almost dived to stop him from hitting Rob. That type of stuff you cant recover from later on, you know? Well a few minutes later we're being asked to leave the restaurant by the manager. Green is still angry over there and Rob is still standing outside. I felt bad for David because he was here with Steve, the guy he is dating (the waiter, sorry I hate labelling people) and Rob yells at him asking who Steve is. Were allw aiting for Selene to show and I need to meet her to stop her from doing something worst. I'm going to go out and speak to Rob. I will fill you guys in later. Chaz

Hi guys and thanks. Deep down I know I am worried for nothing but Julio like I said knows him intimately like I do. Se he knwos what makes him Green and I know Julio still likes him like I do. So these things slowly creep into my head making me jealous. Oh I dont know. I am making too much out of this. Oh Green did that and it still doesnt let me post. Chaz

Thanks for the welcome. I am very glad to join you guys here. Chaz

So you giys all knew I liked Green before he did? I've been reading all of his posts. Wow he even told you about the kiss I gave him at my parents house? Hmm I might have to punish someone with my bouncy ball. CHAZ

He wrote this in an hour the other night. He's a maniac. but its still good. Chaz

I Like you. Chaz