Will Hawkins

I am ashamed of the manner you are being attacked in some of these comments. You are an author of many excellent stories and work hard at keeping them all up to date. I have been editing this story for several weeks and am greatly pleased in one sense at how well you write. Of course, in another sense, I am bored with how well you write because I find little or nothing that needs correction. You do an excellent job of keeping several balls in the air at the same time and do not deserve to be picked on for any of the efforts you are making. No bribery has been involved in this message.

he finding ore and more reasons - he finding more and more reasons

and teller to give me a call - and tell her to give me a call Would a boy tell his mother to call So-and-so? Might he rather ask his mother to call?

prances around the store all happy go lucky - prances around the store all happy-go-lucky

he couldn't bare to look - he couldn't bear to look a winning gam plan - a winning game plan

passionate bond holdingstronger - passionate bond holding stronger

warped hi brain beyond - warped his brain beyond about two O'clock or - about two o'clock or

I am glad I am not the responsible party figuring out relationships between the characters. My job is much easier-- all I have to do is watch for English errors. But in the last couple of chapters, that has become boring. Your writing is so error-free; I am just not finding anything to bitch about. I guess the best thing to say is keep up the great work.

if you wereworking. - if you were working. You are doing too good job CC. An entire chapter with only one error that I could find...boring!

take everything god and happy - take everything good and happy parents didn't have and 'chats' today - parents didn't have any 'chats' today

let me just talk about - Just let me talk about -- This is not a real problem, but a small change in word order would make this statement more clear. something he other day - something the other day -- missing letter.

The example hat all - The example that all hen he whispers to me - Then he whispers to me Dude, editing your work is sort of boring -- and that is a GOOD thing I guess. I am finding so few real errors that there is nothing for me to do. The only general comment I might make is that there is a heck of a lot of teenaged sex in these chapters, and therefore a lot of teenaged angst. Was life like that at 15-16? I don't remember. But Billy is certainly having a lot of it. Okay, he is facing a problem with his mother right now, but problems with mothers seem to work themselves out *unless the mother is an alcoholic or a drug addict, that is*.

I have been wrapped up in my emails the last day or so. I just passed my eighty-fifth birthday and everybody sent me birthday cards by email. At one time I had 185 messages stacked up in my inbox. All the members of the Seattle Men's Chorus sent me separate greetings. Before I retired and escaped to Brazil to live I was an Assistant Rehearsal Manager for both the Men's and the Women's Choruses in Seattle and because I am just learning how to use email they all had to send me greetings on my birthday. I woke up in a panic this morning -- when I went to sleep last night I forgot to plug in the charger for my laptop, That has happened before and when its battery gets low, it just goes into 'sleep mode', but this morning it had gone into 'off' mode and I thought I had lost everything. It took about a half-hour of charging before I got smart enough to realize that it was indeed 'off' and to press the key to turn it 'on' again. Big sigh of relief -- it came back from the dead and I didn't lose anything. Okay, you asked the question, 'What was my opinion of your story?" At least that is what my ancient memory tells me the question was. My answer is: "No opinion'...when I am editing a story I am so wound up in the details of word choice, spelling, etc that I am not paying enough attention to the storyline to give an opinion. The only reaction that I have had is, 'God, did I go through all that crap when I was a teenager? How the hell did I live through it?' lol. Of course, that is the reaction of a man six or seven decades older than the characters in the story! I did have to smile however at Billy's reaction to ONE zit...In my teenage years up until I was 19 or 20 my face was like the map of the Rocky Mountains. I have a photograph of myself taken the year I graduated from High School and my reaction to it at this advanced age was, Hey I was handsome then, but then I looked at it more closely and saw all the places where it had been touched up by the photographer to hide the zits!

you do what you can and try to maintain - I don't know what you are trying to say here! Or here your bae is here to see you. Ps- Brandon sent me a text - PS- Brandon sent me a text PS is an acronym for the Latin Post Scriptum *After the writing* and both letters should be uppercase and usually with no punctuation.

listen to me for once ad not treat - listen to me for once and not treat

with Brandon a lot too lately. - with Brandon a lot lately, too. I am not sure whether the too needs to be there or not.

I have no objection to reclassifying my account to 'editor' with the restriction that, while I may have certain abilities as far as correct English usage is concerned (based on 30 years of teaching in a Community College environment) I am a total neophyte as far as computers are concerned. I have just recently found myself able to read my own emails!. It is very true that a fresh eye is the best for detecting errors in writing. The author is too familiar with his work to spot many things that are blatantly apparent to that 'fresh eye'. I know that my creativity lags far behind that of many of the authors I see on GA. What would be the process of offering my services as you suggest? As a retiree living on the edge of the Mata Atlantica *Atlantic Forest* in Brazil, I have considerable leisure time to devote to editorial support but do not know\understand the mechanical process.

Okay. we have now gone through six chapters of my suggestions -- how am I doing? Am I being snarky or getting you pissed off -- or are my suggestions not useful in any way? Respond to me on my email, misterwill2@live.com I have that set up so when there is a message there my computer dings to let me know.

Be around to talk to every day people - Be around to talk to everyday people minimal conversation with me today. - minimal conversation with me. repeated word I couldn't help but to remember - I couldn't help but remember I love Brandon, heart, mind, body, and soul - I love Brandon, heart and soul, mind and body. Improve word order to read better. sensitive helmet a few time - sensitive helmet a few times We definitely our fair share - We definitely had our fair share

Very well, if I find anything that could use improvement, I will mention it in these comments, but remember, I feel the author's story belongs to the author and if there is any disagreement, you are the author and it is your name that goes on the story, not mine, so in the long run my suggestions are just that, suggestions, for you to adopt or ignore as you see fit. The process I will use is to quote exactly several words around the suggestion so that you can locate it in the text, then quote the area again with my suggestions in bold type for you to use or not as you see fit. I also recognize the difference between dialog and exposition and will not make my suggestions about changes to dialog as people, especially young people do not talk like English professors, so errors in their grammar are part of their characterization. The only suggestions I will make there have to do with the elimination of homophones, that is words in English that sound the same but are spelled differently from the correct word, like using 'there' instead of 'their'. Grammar checking software will not disclose these as the 'wrong' word is a good English word, it is just not the correct word for the meaning desired. I may make occasional suggestions about punctuation but punctuation in English is, in general, a deep swamp of conflicting opinions in which I refuse to become mired. So my suggestions in that respect will be few and far between Always remember, I am making suggestions if you disagree ignore them. You will not hurt my feelings, it is YOUR story. I realize that is the second time I have said that in this message, but it is important to me that you remain constantly aware of this caveat.

Bares and Noble will never be the same, but on what will the authorities blame the mess? The boys better get out of there before they end up in hands of the police. I can see the headlines 'Gang war destroys mall store - two youths arrested'. My cold dead hurt is wounded. - My cold dead heart is wounded.

It is interesting that our hero can handle monsters and zombies, but is defeated by his mouthy sister. His life would be more peaceful if he could find some way to shut her up, but I suppose that would ruin the storyline. Go for it, Tony!

Well, you certainly know how to grab the reader's attention. Very interesting introduction promising a continuing draw. Good show!

Do you want me to make suggestions about English errors or not? I will follow whatever lead you give, but I would like to know which way you want me to go.

"Just as a side note: as an American who has visited in Australie I will give a piece of advice to any of my fellows who visit there as well; be very cautious about ordering a 'hamburger with the works; in OZ. The works there include such things as beetroot and pineapple and maybe about 9" high! https://goo.gl/images/SdXppa