wep363

Akmed came to the United States from Irac, and he was only here a few months when he became very ill. He went to doctor after doctor, but none of them could help him. Finally, he went to an Arab doctor. The doctor said, "Take dees bucket, go into de odder room, shit in de bucket, piss on de shit, and den put your head down over de bucket and breathe in de fumes for ten minutes."

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A neighbor found out her dog could hardly hear so she took it to the veterinarian. He found the problem was hair in its ears and cleaned both ears and the dog could hear fine. The veterinarian told the lady if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she could go to the store for 'Nair' hair remover and rub it in its ears once a month. The lady goes to the drugstore and gets some Nair. At the register, the druggist tells her "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days." The lady responds: "I'm not using it undermy arms." The druggist says: "If you're using it on your legs, don't shave for a couple of days." The lady answers: "I'm not using it on my legs either, and if you must know, I'm using it on my schnauzer." The druggist says: "In that case, stay off your bicycle for a week."

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor." "Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer at the drugstore at the corner. Just give it a urine sample and the computer'll tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars...a hell of a lot cheaper than a doctor." So Jack deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to the drugstore. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks. That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure. Jack hurries back to the drugstore, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results. The computer prints the following: 1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. 2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. 3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab. 4. Your wife is pregnant...twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. 5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.

A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada one day carrying a bag of money. She insisted that she must speak with the president of the bank to open a savings account because, "It's a lot of money!" After much hemming and hawing, the bank staff finally ushered her into the president's office (the customer is always right!) The bank president t hen asked her how much she would like to deposit. She replied, "$165,000!" and dumped the cash out of her bag onto his desk. The president was of course curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he asked her, "Ma'am, I'm surprised you're carrying so much cash around. "Where did you get this money?" The old lady replied, "I make bets." The president then asked, "Bets? What kind of bets?" The old woman said, "Well, for example, I'll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square." "Ha!" laughed the president, "That's a stupid bet. You can never win that kind of bet!" The old lady challenged, "So, would you like to take my bet?" "Sure," said the president, I'll bet $25,000 that my balls are not square!" The little old lady then said, "Okay, but since there is a lot of money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 AM as a witness?" "Sure!" repl ied the confident president. That night, the president got very nervous about the bet and spent long time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from side to side, again and again. He thoroughly checked them out until he was sure there was absolutely no way his balls were square and that he would win the bet. The next morning, at precisely 10:00 am, the little old lady appeared with her lawyer at the president's office. She introduced the lawyer to the president and repeated the bet: "$25,000 says the president's balls are square!" The president agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all see. The president did. The little old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them. "Well, Okay," said the president, "$25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure." Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall. The President asked the old lady, "What the hell's the matter with your lawyer?" She replied, "Nothing, except I bet him $100,000 that at 10:00 AM today, I'd have The Bank of Canada's president's balls in my hand." :wacko:

This one cracked me Up too. At the bottom of a wardrobe trunk, the collection

Back in the olden days white men painted their faces black and preformed. Now a days one black man likes to paint his face white and perform. Henry Vaccaro found a tube of a skin-bleaching agent in Michael Jackson

A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day there he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by and the man immediately gets an erection. The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, "Sir, did you call for me?" The mans replies, "No, what do you mean?" She says, "You must be new here, let me explain. It's a rule here that if you get an erection it implies you called for me." Smiling she leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her. The man continued to explore the colony's facilities. He enters the sauna and as he sat down he farted. Within a few minutes a huge, horrible, corpulent, hairy man lumbers out of the steam toward him. "Did you call for me?" says the hairy man. "No, what do you mean?" says the newcomer. "You must be new here," says the hairy man, "it is a rule here that if you fart it implies that you called for me." The huge man easily spins him around, bends him over a bench and has his way with him. The newcomer staggers back to the colony office, where he is greeted by the smiling, naked receptionist. "May I help you?" she says. The man yells, "Here is my membership card, you can have the key back, and you can keep the $500 membership fee." "But sir," she replies, "you've only been here for a few hours, you haven't even had the chance to see all our facilities." The man replies, "Listen lady, I'm 58 years old, I get a hard-on once a month, but I fart 15 times a day.

Personally I think that whoever put this list together has WAY too much time on their Hands?

> THE YEAR'S BEST ACTUAL HEADLINES OF 2003 > > > > 1. Crack Found on Governor's Daughter > > > 2. Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says > > > 3. Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers > :ranger: > > 4. Iraqi Head Seeks Arms > > > 5. Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus? > > > 6. Prostitutes Appeal to Pope > > > 7. Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over > > > > 8. Teacher Strikes Idle Kids > > > 9. Miners Refuse to Work after Death > > > 10. Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant > > > 11. War Dims Hope for Peace > > > 12. If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile > > > > 13. Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures > > > > 14. Enfield Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide > > > > 15. Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges > > > 16. Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge > > > 17. New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group > > > > 18. Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft > :wacko: > > 19. Kids Make Nutritious Snacks > > > 20. Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy > > > 21. Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half > :2hands: > > 22. Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors > > > And the winner is: > > > > 23. Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

Two boys in Boston were playing basketball when one of them was attacked by a rabid Rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy ripped a board off a nearby fence, wedged it into the dog's collar and twisted it, breaking the dog's neck. A newspaper reporter from the Boston Herald witnessed the incident and rushed over to interview the boy. The reporter began entering data into his laptop, beginning with the headline: "Brave Young Celtics Fan Saves Friend From Jaws Of Vicious Animal." "But I'm not a Celtics fan," the little heroin interjected. "Sorry," replied the reporter. "But since we're in Boston, Mass, I just assumed you were." Hitting the delete key, the reporter begins again, "Young Kerry Fan..." "But I'm not a Kerry fan either," the boy responds. The reporter says, "I assumed everybody in this state was either for the Celtics or Kerry or Kennedy. What team or person do you support?" "I'm visiting here from Texas. I'm a Houston Rockets fan and I really like George W. Bush" the boy says. Hitting the delete key, the reporter begins again: "Arrogant Little Conservative Asshole Kills Beloved Family Pet." :ranger:

Bill was visiting his best friend Anthony, a priest at his church one day. Bill sat down to wait while Anthony was finishing confessions. All of a sudden, Anthony comes out of the box with a strained look on his face and whispers to Bill. "I have an emergency. If I don't get to the bathroom right now I'm going to crap down my leg. Handle the next few confessions for me." Bill, looking shocked said, "Tony. I don't know shit about taking confessions!" Anthony patted him on the shoulder, looking increasingly more strained and said, "When you're sitting down, look to the left, you'll find a list of the most common offences and what you have to tell them to do for atonement." He then scuttled off in the direction of the bathroom, leaving Bill his robe. Bill slipped it on, and went into the booth and sat down. He heard a voice on the other side and a woman spoke. "Forgive me father for I have sinned." Bill said in his most reverent tone, "What did you do my child?" The woman said, "This morning I took a dollar from my husband's wallet without asking." So Bill scratched his head and looked at the list, thinking to himself. 'Theft, that would be theft, ok, here it is.' And spoke up to the woman. "My child, do one Hail Mary and one Our Father and go in peace." The woman thanked him and Bill heard the door open, then close again, and another voice. A man said, "Forgive me father for I have sinned." Bill, feeling he was getting the hang of this, said in his most reverent tone. "What did you do my child?" The man said. "Father, I cheated on my wife." So Bill scratched his head and looked at the list, thinking to himself... 'That would be adultery... ok, here it is.' And spoke up to the man. "My child, do ten Hail Marries, five Our Fathers and go in peace." The man thanked him and left and another took up their place in the adjoining booth. A woman's voice spoke out. "Forgive me father for I have sinned." Bill feeling relaxed now said in his most reverent tone. "What did you do my child?" The woman said. "Father, last night I gave a guy a blow job on the first date." So Bill looked over the list, ran his finger down it, looked it over twice more, but didn't find the offence and said to himself. ' What the hell do you give someone for the act of fellatio?' He finally got up, stuck his head out the door and spotted an alter boy and whispered. "Ppsst! Hey, alter boy. What does the priest usually give for an act of fellatio?" The alter boy smiled and whispered back, "Three snickers and a pat on the head."

Hmmmmm, I joined the same day you did and I don't have 10%. I guess that some are Posters and some are Luckers but all are welcome. It's been great reading your posts Myr

The couple had told the boy's parents about their relationship and been rebuked, police said. According to another link Tree I never read one like that in Nifty.

Gay couple get in on up a Tree :ranger:

hmmmmmmmmm 7.... 11..... You got a job at a 7-11. Can I get a slurpee half price?

I saw a great bumper sticker today. It read "I see a day when schools have enough money for everything they need and the Air Force has to have a bake sale to buy a new bomber! :2hands:

You have to think about this one! http://bigpicture.typepad.com/writing/Manix.jpg

Actually that used to be a bill C joke LOL

or even aviator!!! Have a Great day!

isn't an avatars someone who flys a plane? :ranger:

Missed you Sparhawk. I really don't pay attention to my number of posts. I just try to keep up reading other.

touchy feely

hahahahaha

Dancing Bush