LeeSA

What a chapter.... its was like reading and game of dominos, as every part of Brads personality came into focus. Someone once said to me that "Death is my passenger, and I forgot that. Biology told me of its immenent arrival. Its up to me remind death that its still my life and it can bloody well wait until Im done living..." Death doesnt negate past wrongs or bad behaviour as Lyn will eventually understand it will serve as a conduit for clarity. It is beautiful and brutal at the same time. Lyn missed a lot about his friends because of the choices he made. It gives Lyn the oportunity to facilitate real depth in their friendship. I am hopeful that he will see this time with Brad as a gift. @Laura S. Fox of all your stories you have really outdone yourself with this one.

It can be genetic yes, severity is individual, blood clots and heart failure can both be fatal. Long term management is possible depending on severity and early diagnosis.

The one thing you could have done to turn my anger at Brads behaviour into empathy.... you bloody did. Was he an ass, yes but but... bugger it. @Laura S. Fox you know what I do for a living and no it doesnt change anything he did, but it makes sense. Well played. 😥

Bugger me

Hope and optimism and courage. Your right the HEA will be in growth and honesty but I still want it all.

Lyn watched his mother live in the shadows and the judgement of others and made the choice to not repeat that. His mother showed him how much he was worth to her own lack of... he internalized that. He has also been raised in an enviroment that equates to feelings = currency. When love was veiwed as a liability, even a mothers love, why would he believe he deserves otherwise. He tops because he remains in control. His choice, his time, his rules. Needs versus wants. He does in part care how it is for others because he is concerned with judgement from them. He needs to exceed not just succeed. In everything so he does not ever find himself in that sitation again. He chose Brad because he new there was no risk... He didnt consider Alex because there is wasnt one. Or so he thought.

Its a very Lyn-centric chapter. His over thinking enables him to write of Alexanders honesty, while his bug also gives him an out too. Sad but sweet It was interesting how un-fractured Lyns thinking was when going to see Alex as opposed to Brad though I am not surprised. Loving, even if Lyn is still focused on his plan...

Lyn has always thought that failure was not an option, he did not ask himself what he wanted put of life only what he wanted everyone else to see believing thats was the best way to keep his shame or perceived shames, hidden. He has had a life lived in the shadows, firstly his upbringing and secondly by his own choice. He has to work out who he is and what he wants with that construct. Ignore the muscle memory if you like and create a new sense of self. Of course there is nothing behind his mask, he didnt let it in, ever. Fog as @Cane23 said is apt however it is more than that. It is the first time that Lyn realises he is totally confused, desolate and utterly alone. That that is what he created. Not Brad and not Alex. Him. Is he selfish, ignorant, avoidant yes, is he human absolutely. There are little fragments of hope though, he acknowedges his feelings for Brad as ridiculous, and he gives his growing feelings a name. Alexander. Yet muscle memory dictates that he focus a perceived negatives ie making mistakes and in doing so attempts to bolster the rigidity that he lived portraying by showing determination on its immediate fixing. It is no secret that I am not fond of Brad's character but his holding onto the glasses showed how deep the wounds of that night were, for him. The fact that he sent them back was equally sad. He has issues he obviously needs to work on yes. I feel like this act spoke to finality and his deep need to either work it through or move on altogether. The agrument that he and Lyn had in the previous chapter speaks to deep hurt abandonment issues impulsitivy and self medicating with booze and his own confusion and anger at not dealing with his own emotions or choosing not to. What I find interesting is that traits of these three could easily be found in one person. Still find the chapter sad. It has come down to two choices face up or shut up. Some people cant ever face up.

He absolutely does... but I am sure he will use it as motivation

I dont actually have words at the moment to express how big Brad sending Lyn his glasses back actually was. Broke me. Wow.

Exhibits.... I like that, he is presemting them in his own view of them, but they are not art. It would be interesting to see, indepth, how Brad navigates his anger and emotions when he has such a disconnect with himself.

Brads first instinct is to hurt first and by doing so he thinks he is protecting hinself add to that the ongoing assumptions and there ya go pain and hurt ten fold, sad

I don't disagree with what you have said at all. I think however that Lyns first betrayal was of himself. Could he have helped that? Probably not given his structure of upbringing. And while it might sound harsh he didn't couldnt deal so he created a fascade. He has to rip the bandaid off and address it first. He has to get to the point where he can explain his POV and acknowledge that there is/was a cause and effect for all of them. He needs to be accountable to himself first. Yes he had hidden his deepest hurts, but in that, he has to accept that he cant truly share himself wholly as he wants to. He cant give only what he sees and his best to anyone because it is a lie. He has to choose now not to be defined by his past. While no one might be lying at this point they are affected by the ongoing ripple of lies and faulsehoods that have held them together. They have no choice but to individually react within the singular structures they created. As for Brads attempts at an apology... your right... He need to do his own growing to actually be able to articulate why. At that point he wanted to say sorry because he felt bad not because what he did hurt his friend. Honesty, accountability and courage. Possibly some therapy and especially cognitive therapy for Brad.

Also wanted to add, just cause I cant help myself, some people have things happen in their lives that they never address, they take it to their death beds at times. They dont go back and seek out past loves for closure, past hurts to mend or things not said. Families hold their secrets close and never open doors to the light. So if these three can actually finally be open and honest with themselves and each other that will equal an amazing ending.

Lyn really believed that Alex and Brad were working within his time line. This speaks to his absolute blindness to understand anything beyond his own desires, plan and goals. He had a plan and he was sticking to come hell or high water irrespective of Alex and Brad. Couple of things that stood out for me, Lyn was going to tell Brad "I love you" he had planned the three words carefully with an out which tells me he was going into it too say the words more than express his deepest feelings. He had planned for any needed clarification based on Brads reaction. So he wasnt really committed to sharing "his" feelings. The closer to the dorm he gets the more fractured his thinking becomes and he is curious as to Alexander and those looks. If he was going to tell Brad he was in love with him then nothing should have prevented that. If he was certain as of his feelings as opposed to continuing with his plan. There is an inherant selfishness in that. He wanted what he wanted how and when he wanted it. He just didnt factor Alex in and how you can grow to love someone despite yourself. Brad while misguided in what he said slightly hit Lyn in his most vulnerable spot. He has tried for years to hide his family and their lifestyle because he felt the shame he remembers comments and slights over the years from others and has put everything into that staying hidden. He felt shame and wanted to never feel that in his adult life. So he wanted reciprocity from Brad while still hiding himself and the shameful parts of his life. You cant hide who you are and try to share yourself at the same time. These three are carrying so many secrets and so much hurt it is impossible to be on the same page at all because if it. Of course Lyn ran, he had a plan and Brad shattered that, should he feel hurt yes. Should he take ownership of his part, yes. I am hopeful that some kind revelation hits at that airport. Or that Brad and Alex go to confront him on neutral ground. I could talk about Alex and Brad at this point but wont. I am too focused on Lyn...

Ouch .... low, Brad actually when there.

I dont think I could stop reading if I tried. Kinda invested, have to say. I feel the position he is in. Its almost easier to loose yourself in a busy place. I guess I am waiting for Lyn to really take control of his inner most feelings and bring them out, lead with them...good and bad.

If he runs again I may just have to stop reading..... I want him to face it all head on.

Absolutely. I know I have repeated (hopefully not to the point of annoyance) that Lyn was raised being shown he was not good enough unless he appeared a certain way to others. Enter mother. Self worth/self esteem were, not only, not nurtured as he grew up it was quashed in favour of his mother needing to survive and look a certain way to do so as were her prevailing thoughts. How was he ever supposed to think he was worthy of giving and receiving love? So if you think of Lyn as someone who believes he is unworthy of either of those things he would never risk actual rejection ie Brad. Lyn was back then, as it seems they all were, incredibly fragile. Always trying to keep two steps in front of falling to pieces. Hadn't thought of it like that before just focused on the behaviours etc. So thank you @Cane23 for provoking yet another thought I had not considered.

Well here Lyn sits. If I consider his POV only....I think the 8 years in between are going to be significant. Lyn has gone on to not be able to, or want to maintain an intimate relationship. He has made his name as a successful lawyer and by all accounts is excelling at it but doesnt let himself share that with anyone. He ran from the argument years ago and took parts of his friends with him just not in the way he thinks or thought. Its like he borrowed some of Brads recklessness, one night stands and FB arrangements and Alexanders ability to make the toughest choices without realising it. He changed as a person from their friendship. He is sitting in an airport, running because facing the truth is hard. He is still in the wrong head space to own his actions. He feels betrayed but has not looked at the fact that his actions have caused similar feelings. He ran years ago not because of anything Brad or Alex did but because of his own (in) action. Fear avoidance and change. @Cane23 is right any relationship in any variation would have failed back then. Good things fall apart so better things can grow. We have had honesty and vulnerability from Brad and Alex. For all Brads faults I am glad he decided to invite them both to the wedding (if there is one). Brad has chipped away at himself with stupid choices becoming raw and fragile hence the anger and frustration. Alex was honest and stood his ground in the face of potential rejection and allowed himself to feel utter dispair. They have both chosen to blow it all up. Their whole lives to find out if they move forward alone or together as friends or nothing more than the pain of the past. They had to look inwards to see what was important to them. Although Brad just keeps hitting stuff against the wall till it breaks, the effect is the same he/they need answers and clarity. Now its Lyns turn to decide, face himself and them or live locked in his own world of success in his career, money and status (in his chosen field) everything that is truly superficial, just like the life his mother created and remain alone or fight for real relationships, love intimacy and honest authenticity. His own perfect imperfections as well as theirs.

Well said, all of it. They all had the possibility of freedom and none of them took it. I had to sit a little while and consider that. None of them could make that choice because they were not brave enough to be themselves in whatever capacity they individually needed. In every way all of them avoided "self". Its really very sad.

Not that I put much stock in Zodiac signs cause apparently I'm supposed to be an asshole but I have to admit that cracked me up. 😂

Agreed, Lyn does what Lyn usually does and sees things that are happening in front of him in the manner that he can process within his ideal. He moves the possibility of any responsibility too, how to fix it. When I consider the conversation/conflict about moral absolutism (keep in mind my understanding of this as a concept is limited) I come up a little short. Yes it is only part of of the arguement that Lyn heard, but when Brad asks "so moral absolution is lazy? While I can see why that would come up but between the two, I cant help think that they are all avoiding they grey in their own way. Lyn believes in his own set of morals, right or wrong, so is Alex stating that Brad is not willing to learn "Lyn" as opposed to something else more simplistic?

It is a great chapter to see exactly what Alex was saying about Lyn being the perfect friend versus a good friend. Lyn as he has always done, trying to solve the issues but only half heartedly. Image over resolution with total absolution of his part in anything that affects the three of them, he just wants to fix it. All the more reason for him to study and be a dependable person for his friend. What I find surprising is the way that Lyn continues to choose to see Brad and Alex. He even presents his own interpretation of each as a defense. Lyn makes assumption after assumption and while there is come confusing stuff happening its confusing to Lyn because he has always put Brad and Alex into personality categories. Lyn has never seen that he was/is the link between the two. Brad and Alex would more than likely not be friends at all otherwise. I think Brad is incredibly apathetic in this chapter. He knows big changes are coming, hence the motive of saying he may have a chance with Lyn etc. I would guess that he knows that once they graduate he may loose contact with .... what has bee a source of love, security, consistency and dependability. The future looms....and to ensure Lyns Alex traded his. Then has to sit and listen to Brad say he might feel more that friends for Lyn. I'd be pissed off too.

I have met a few Brad's in my lifetime. So very much a feeling of pass me the shovel or pen and paper. Mind you given my head if I burried him id want to dig him up again just dive into the way he functions. Metaphorically speaking. So yep that bad.