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JamesSavik

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  3. JamesSavik
    Few people in the Alliance had ever heard of the Nordia system but it's name has been spoken more and more often.
     
    The systems third planet had been undergoing terraforming and will soon be open to colonization.
     
    Suddenly a stricken ship arrives there igniting controversy and political strife.
     
    The TransStellar Corporations spin machines and political apparatus goes into damage control mode.
     
    Conspiracy theories are rife.
     
    What really happened there?
     
    Find out soon here!
  4. JamesSavik
    In 1988 it was a death sentence. Everyone was afraid. If you want to know what it was like, this episode of the original 21 Jump Street did a very good job setting the mood.
     
    Thank your lucky stars that you don't have to be afraid to find random friends and acquaintances in the obituaries- every frikkin day.
     
    There are some that say that we will look back and be thankful that the AIDS crisis galvanized the gay community and brought us together like never before. We will be thankful that we now know more about viruses and infectious diseases than ever before.
     
    Maybe. Someday. I ain't there yet.
  6. JamesSavik
    Deez Nuts for President!
     
    The time is NOW for Deez Nuts!
     
    Who do you want?
     
    A billionaire egomaniac?
     
    An old biddy lawyer/politician that skates just ahead of the indictments?
     
    How about one out of a bunch of religious nuts?
     
    A failed CEO or a libertarian that doesn't stand a chance?
     
    Corporate stuffed shirts marching to the company's drums?
     
     
     
    Think it through. Dez Nuts is the best choice you've got!
     
    Follow Deez Nuts on twitter! @DeezNutsforPrez
  8. JamesSavik
    Given the actual existence of Kanye West, it is difficult for anyone to be a bigger dumb ass but this summer, some one has risen to the challenge.
     
    My dumb ass of the year: county clerk of Rowan County, KY Kim Davis.
     

     
    This attractiveness challenged individual has been divorced 4 times. She has taken it upon herself to stand tall for the sanctity of marriage by refusing to give gay couple marriage licenses.
     
    Only the most incredibly tone deaf, insensitive idiots would fail to see the dumb-assery in that act.
     
    It is for this sublime act of dumb-assery, I do hereby proclaim Kim Davis, Dumb Ass of the year 2015.
     
    Congratulations, you are one of the biggest dumb asses I've EVER SEEN.
     

     

     
    ______________________________________________
     
    Correction: Kim Davis PHD (Pentecostal Hair Do) has been DIVORCED 3 time, married 4 times and had all of her children in adulterous affairs with other men while married. Clearly she is a very HOly woman.
  9. JamesSavik
    Today one of our members asked a very interesting question which I attempted to answer.
     

    I did my best to keep it apolitical as possible by using four examples: two each from democratic and republican presidential administrations.
     
    Have we made mistakes in regard to the technologies that we sell? OH HECK YEAH! Many, many mistakes. They are made by businesses and at the governmental level.
     
    They have been made by both sides of the political spectrum.
     
    They have been made with malice and forethought on the part of both the buyer and the seller.
     
    We've learned some very hard lessons in that regard. When a guy from jerk-water Oklahoma bought a ton of fertilizer and diesel fuel, no one gave it a second thought. Until he used it to blow up the Federal building in Oklahoma City.
     
    When Saddam Hussien's minions asked the US Dept. of Agriculture for hospital equipment, brewers vats and oil refinery equipment, who knew they would use it to brew up anthrax and nerve gas?
     
    When some odd cultists in Tokyo bought cleaning supplies, mason jars and mouth wash, no one was thinking sarin gas on the subways.
     
    The technological genie is well and truly out of the bottle. It is now possible for a mad person to build or brew things in their garage that can wipe out thousands of people at a shot. Many try and fail but sooner or later, one of them is going to hurt us badly.
     
    Even more chilling, if a person of limited resources can accomplish this, what about well organized groups or even nation states? The old rules don't apply to designer viruses or dirty bombs. They do not come with return address labels. It is now possible, and one might even argue easy, to do nightmarish things both anonymously and on a shoe string. That is the world that we live in.
     
    There is a bottom line to all this: there really are people who have bad intentions. Their motivations are irrelevant. If they turn their genius to destruction, we are all in for serious trouble.
     
    It has happened before and you can bet serious coin that it will happen again.
  10. JamesSavik
    The plot to every Star Trek episode ever
     
    (a writer's perspective)
     
    There is always an initial incident and some poor guy in a red-shirt is eaten by an alien.
     

     
    Then there is a commercial break... for 20 minutes.
     
    The doctor says he's dead Jim and I've never seen anything like it.
     

     
    Some random character has a flashback (or a bad burrito- that part is never clear) to set up the next scene.
     
    Captain Kirk says WHY... do they hate these shirts!?
     
    The Klingons show up in a super-sporty ship that is inexplicably full of smoke, say something fierce and threatening and then wander off to more random confrontations.
     

     
    The engineer must fix some random gizmo before the universe explodes.
     

     
    The science officer must discover a vaccine for a new plague that could wipe out all life in the galaxy.
     

     
    The helmsman simply has to look fabulous.

     
    The heroes are heroic, villains villainous and the day is saved. It is magically pulled together, and works in 50 minutes... unless it is a two part episode in which case, there is a horrific cliffhanger!
     
     
     
    The moral of my story is that... you can't possibly be more scripted or predictable than THAT.
     
    We don't have to write for the screen. Nor do we have to do commercial breaks. We aren't limited by a time slot.
  12. JamesSavik
    These mutant daisies are appearing around the wreak of the Fukashima Daiichi power station.
     
    In March 2011 Japan was struck by a massive 9.0 quake. The Fukashina (BWR) boiling water reactors survived the earthquakes- one of the most massive in world history. The reactors scrammed and shut down- everything was working as it was supposed to until a massive tsunami struck the plant and wiped out the plants emergency power supply.
     
    Without power, the reactor cooling systems failed and the radiation and temperature in the reactor cores soared. Water got so hot that the oxygen and hydrogen separated and accumulated to dangerous levels and eventually exploded. One by one reactors 1 through 4 were destroyed by run-away nuclear reactions releasing massive amounts of radiation.
     

     
    It's been over four years and no one, NO ONE has a clue how to clean up the site. TEPCO's plan, the operating company, most optimistic plan takes forty years and requires that new technology be developed.
     
    The Fukashima disaster is not over. It won't be for a very long time. In fact, it is constantly leaking radioactive water into the Pacific Ocean.
     
    Many people would point at Fukashima as a reason why nuclear power should go. I think this needs a qualifier: nuclear power in its current form should go. Today's nuclear plants are based on the Uranium fuel cycle. It messy, very radioactive and creates tons of highly radioactive waste that we have no idea what to do with.
     
    Why Uranium? In the 1950s when the USSR and the United States were designing the first commercial nuclear power plants there were two main directions that they could have turned: Uranium or Thorium.
     
    The reason that the decision was made to pursue Uranium based designs is that it supported the nuclear weapons arsenals that both sides in the Cold War were building. By having those reactors available, they could be modified to create the highly enriched Uranium that was required for nuclear weapons.
     
    Uranium based reactors were fairly easy to design and build. The fuel was easily refined but there were serious drawbacks. They create a lot of radioactive wastes. The early designs were dangerous. The biggest problem is that while there is a high level of safety and reliability, when things go wrong, they go wrong in a very big way.
     
    The Thorium Question? With our energy and environmental problems, nuclear power supplies 20% of the American power grid. We are not in a position where we can simply turn them off and call it a day. Nothing that we know of offers the bang for the buck and doesn't create massive amounts of CO2 emissions. We are between a rock and a hard place. We can NOT go forward with Uranium plants. They are just too dangerous.
     
    So.. we have to take a long look at Thorium based reactors. Everything about the Thorium fuel cycle is different. Thorium burns cleaner, doesn't create nearly as much waste and the reactor designs are much safer. Furthermore- Thorium can not be weaponized. Prototype Thorium reactors are operating in China, India and the United States and all signs are that over the next decade production reactors will be available to replace the aging Uranium based reactors that are being decommissioned.
     
    It won't happen overnight but expect to see our legacy of dangerous Cold War legacy reactors going the way of modems and floppy disks. We no longer need thousands of nuclear weapons, nor do we need the infrastructure to build more. It's time to put the evil genie of Uranium based nuclear power back in the bottle forever.
  13. JamesSavik
    GayAuthors is a GLOBAL web site. There are people here from everywhere, except for Antarctica. Who knows- we might even have a penguin or two.
     
    We literally have people from New York and New Delhi. Philly and the Philippines. Mississippi and Manitoba. Alberta and Albuquerque. I could go on but my onomatopoeia/geography skills only go so far.
     
    It would be an absolute miracle if we didn't have any culture clashes. I know that I've been guilty of that myself from time to time. Anyone that has been here for a while has seen me mellow out from a hot-headed red-neck to... just a red neck.
     
    Please practice tolerance. I know it's easy to get mad and fly off the handle. Goodness knows I'm as guilty of that as the next guy.
     
    We've got a pretty special community here. It's another not-so-small miracle that we get along as well as we do.
     
    Young, old, whatever race, whatever country- we all have a lot more in common than we have differences.
     
    There are more than enough people that will go out of their way to be unkind to us. It benefits us all to be good to each other.
     
    Look past those differences because we need that community. For many isolated GLBTi people in unfriendly places, it is their lifeline. It is their view of a larger more inclusive world.
     


     
    [this post copied to blog to keep it from aging off]
  15. JamesSavik
    This is General Robert E. Lee. He was the South's top General and had a brilliant record on the battlefield.
     
    Lee was a gentleman. He was quite civilized and not to leave a trail of horrible battlefield atrocities. He was well thought of on both sides of the lines. He actually went to West Point with many of the Northern generals and considered them friends.
     
    Recently when the furor over the state flags that took some of the symbols of confederate flags, I decided to read up on Robert E. Lee.
     
    Unfortunately many people have taken the position that anyone that had anything to do with the Confederacy was a monster or just plain evil by default. I would like to remind these people that it was a very different time.
     
    Slavery was a institution that was very literally biblical. Very few people saw the citizens of other countries as equals, much less members of other races. To judge them by current attitudes and prejudices is just plain ignorant. It may be how the half-wit academicians in your college teach history but, I would submit that they have their head up their ass.
     
    Let's consider the end of the Civil War. The South, once rich and fertile, was devastated. Cities and farms were burned. Railroads destroyed, bridges down and ferries burned. Generations of work were destroyed. In Mississippi 1/5th of the 1st budget for the reorganized state went to purchase artificial limbs for maimed soldiers. The complete disruption and displacement of people caused by the war killed 40% of the entire states population. Starvation and disease was rampant.
     
    There were people that wanted to continue the fight. They wanted to resist the occupation and make it a ongoing, bloody quagmire.
     
    General Lee went on a tour of the South where he was a strong and consistent voice for reconciliation despite the North's humiliating occupation. These are some of the things he said to the crowds of people who were begging him to lead them to freedom:
     
    Madam, don't bring up your sons to detest the United States government. Recollect that we form one country now. Abandon all these local animosities, and make your sons Americans.
     
    We must forgive our enemies. I can truly say that not a day has passed since the war began that I have not prayed for them.
     
    I think it wisest not to keep open the sores of war, but to follow the example of those nations who endeavored to obliterate the marks of civil strife, and to commit to oblivion the feelings it engendered.
     
    When asked by a woman on what she should do with a Confederate flag after the end of the American Civil War, he said quite simply:
     
    Fold it up and put it away.
     
    When you study people with an open mind, they will astonish you. Lee is not politically correct or considered a great man outside the South. In fact he is probably a great American hero. Had he been a different person, he could have easily turned the South into a long bloody quagmire of occupation. Our history may have been very different had this man and others not taken up the banner of national reconciliation.
     
    From what I've learned and, being a person of good conscious I have changed my mind on the confederate flag. Perhaps it is time as Lee suggested to Fold it up and put it away.
  16. JamesSavik
    A ton has been written on the subject of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Unfortunately, most of it is quite abstruse and to make matters worse, it has a vocabulary of its own. In this blog entry I want to give my readers a basic understanding of PTSD, what it's like and how it's treated.
     
    PTSD is a psychiatric condition that effects millions of people world wide. It is quite literally a mental scar left on your consciousness by traumatic events.
     
    When I use the word trauma, I'm not just talking about a bad day. The sorts of trauma that lie at the root of PTSD often involve physical injuries, intense fear, panic and are often life threatening.
     
    Many different things can cause it. PTSD was first recognized around the end of World War I in soldiers coming home. It was called shell shock. When these soldiers came home, they brought the horror of that war with them. Many had been horribly wounded and had lost limbs. Others had seen their friends chopped up by the score. It is no coincidence that drug abuse and addiction entered the national consciousness of the US, UK and Canada about this time.
     
    While war is most often associated with PTSD, it can afflict anyone. Accidents, violent crime, assaults, rape, sexual and physical abuse can all cause the symptoms of PTSD.
     
    What is PTSD Like?
     
    Imagine that your brain with all of its memories is like YouTube. You have your favorites list- those favorite memories you like to think about like your favorite Christmas, meeting your true love, graduations, vacations and so on. You can chose to think about any of them whenever you want.
     
    Then something horrible comes along like a car wreak in which you are badly injured.
     
    That memory causes something like a glitch in your favorites list. Many of the good memories go away and that painful memory is stuck on repeat.
     
    You re-live that memory over and over. It's like the pain and fear of the traumatic event are stuck in your head.
     
    Whenever you close your eyes or your mind wanders- there it is in all of its horrific glory.
     
    PTSD sufferers get flashbacks of these events- just like high definition video in great detail with all of the emotions attached.
     
    Events that trigger PTSD are the worst day of many peoples lives. It's the very sorts of things that people would rather forget but it's stuck in your head in living bloody color! Talking about it and coming to terms with it is the only thing that will make it any better.
     
    The Two Types of PTSD
     
    Simple PTSD is defined around a single incident like an accident, crime or natural disaster. Obviously this is the easiest to treat and the prognosis is good.
     
    Complex PTSD is a much more vicious animal. This is caused by a LOT of trauma over an extended period of time. Examples of this are Soldiers in war, children abused over periods of years or people who have experienced multiple traumas. This is a much harder to treat and requires a sustained effort.
     
    Symptoms of PTSD
     
    PTSD symptoms are generally grouped into four types: intrusive memories, avoidance, negative changes in thinking and mood, or changes in emotional reactions.
     
    Intrusive Memories- we discussed above. It is the high definition video of the trauma replaying itself in your head. Nightmares, flashbacks and severe emotional reactions to reminders of the event are all part of the recurrent nature of intrusive memories.
     
    Avoidance- trying to not talk about the incident and avoiding places or activities that are reminders.
     
    Negative changes in thinking or mood- negative self image, inability to experience positive emotions, hopelessness, feeling emotionally numb and difficulty maintaining close relationships.
     
    Changes in Emotional Reactions- irritability, hyper-vigilance, guilt, shame, insomnia, trouble concentrating and being easily startled. Drug and alcohol addictions are common coping mechanisms to people suffering with PTSD.
     
    Yeah- all in all, it can be pretty miserable. The worst part- it is progressive. Untreated it only gets worse, causes all sorts problems and is at the root of a great many suicides.
     
    Why Is It So Hard To Treat?
     
    Talking about the causes of PTSD are the last thing a person suffering from this wants to do. I could try to shock you with some god awful examples but I think you get the picture. No one wants to talk about their worst day.
     
    It is very much like an old wound that has become infected. It has to be opened up and the infection drained out before it can really heal. It hurts. It's painful but it is the only thing that really works.
     
    The very thing that you most want to forget is what you must face.
     
    The memories of that trauma never really go away but you can take the power to destroy you by inches away from those toxic memories. There's no magic. It takes time, courage, effort and, you will have to do some things you will not like but it can be done.
  17. JamesSavik
    Here I am again. It's really late or, maybe it's early. It depends on how you look at it.
     
    Sometimes I think I've done a lot of healing and I've come so far. Then nights like this my ghosts come to me.
     
    I don't know which ones are the worst. Sometimes its the ones that tell me to blame myself. Or maybe the ones that tell I should have done better. Then there are the ones that make me wonder why I'm still alive when so many others are dead.
     
    Me and my ghosts have a merry old time. I roll over. I toss and I turn and they are still there. If I really am due some punishment, I'll go to sleep and they're there and I'll get to relive one of the seven layers of hell I've been to.
     
    That I'm messed up- well that's a given. I'm not even sure how to define getting better at this point. I've been trying for so long, is it even possible? They say it's possible and the tooth fairy will bring you candy and lollipops and everything will be okie-dokie.
     
    They aren't around when all paths lead back to this place where I'm alone in the dark and afraid.
     
    It's times like this that I really miss not drinking or getting stoned. Oh, it would help for a little while but as beat up as I am, it wouldn't take me long to go down that drain.
     
    PTSD sucks. It never really goes away. It like a sea monster lurking in the depths. When it gets hungry, just when you think you are doing OK treading water it comes up from the depths and takes another bite of your soul.
     
    Mostly what it does is just wear you down- one bite of soul at a time until there's nothing left.
     
    I'm not just exhausted. I'm sick and tired of the whole damned thing.
     
    I want to close my eyes and see nothing. Not the dead and the dying asking me why are you still here and we're gone? What makes you special? You weren't any different.
     
    I can't answer that and it is driving me crazy.
  18. JamesSavik

    I Miss Them.

    By JamesSavik,

    James- my namesake. He hit the beaches of Guadalcanal in 1942 and fought his way across the Pacific with the 1st Marine Division.
     

    Richard- an Uncle on my Mom's side was a pilot in the old Army Air Force flying B-24 and eventually B-29s for MacArthur out of Australia, the Philippines and Guam.
     

    My Dad- was 16 when he joined up in 1943 and was a Flight Engineer on B-17s. He flew out of Italy and England. As he was training on B-29s, the Japanese surrendered. After the War he went to college and he and his brother James became the first men in a long line of dirt farmers to be college educated.
     
    His ROTC commitment recalled him to active duty in 1950 for the Korean Crisis. By this time the Army was out of the bomber business and Dad was a GI. He landed at Pusan as a 2nd LT with the 2nd Infantry Division and, in coordination with the Inchon Landings, they broke out of the Pusan Pocket and drove the North Koreans out of the south.
     
    They all had a collection of medals and ribbons but they didn't tell many stories. They weren't the sort. If you asked, they would just say they were grateful to come home in one piece.
     
    They are gone now. The rest are leaving us all too soon. For we are a world in desperate need of adult supervision now that those titans are gone.
     

  19. JamesSavik
    When I was a kid and adults were trying to scare me out of my nasty homosexual hobby, they used to tell me stuff designed to scare it out of you. They said all you could ever hope to be is a bartender or a prostitute. Homosexuals always end up in prison. Homosexuals are useless, can't have families and other delightful things.
     
    Of course that was all a product of the WASP (White Anglo-Saxon Protestant) society that I was immersed in. Some of it was self fulfilling.
     
    Many young gay men in the South were denied any way to make a living. They were pushed toward crime and the law was always right over their shoulder. No one knows how many young gay men were disposed of in the prison system or forced into the underground economy- that part of commerce that goes untaxed, unregulated and all of the right people don't get paid.
     
    That's our past and it's ugly. There's a reason that our federal goverenment doesn't want to pass any non-discrimination legislation. There are people alive that could sue for billions if that were the case. Every level of our goverenment from federal down to district dog catcher would be liable to some extent. They know this. We know this.
     
    There are other things they don't tell us. We have to figure this out on our own: We have gifts. I've never met any gay people who didn't have something going for them. I've seen them beat down and despondent but their gifts are always there: their intelligence, their talent and their drive.
     
    Just look at history. Say a great name and, there's a good chance that they were gay or bisexual.
     
    Alexander, Caesar, Socrates, Aristotle, Plato- any of these guys sound familiar? They practically invented Western Civilization.
     
    I won't try to list all the gay people that made their mark. The list is entirely too long. If you are curious, you can find it here :>> GLBT in history.
     
    As 2 or 5 percent of the population, we have had a much larger impact on history than our mere numbers would suggest. A FAR larger impact. Like we lead the parade out of the stone age, the classical period, the dark ages, the Renaissance, the age of Enlightenment and the age of Revolutions and the Great Democracies.
     
    Look at every field: science, the arts, the military, politics. We have been there and our contributions have been dominate.
     
    We know this. They know this. It begs a very interesting question: are they scared of us? I think they are.
     
    We have nothing to be ashamed of. Let us use our gifts in peace for the benefit of mankind.
     
    Those that curse us will be shown for what they are: losers choking on sour grapes.
  20. JamesSavik

    The Plan

    By JamesSavik,

    When navies build a ship, it's a big expensive deal. Ships are supposed to last decades but many things change over decades. There are engineering improvements and new technologies. Missions expand and more capabilities are required. There is a real danger and, it has happened many times, that multi-million dollar state of the art warships are obsolete before they leave their builders slip.
     
    It's called different things by different services. Refit. Modernization. Overhaul. Sailors wouldn't call it a makeover. They just wouldn't.
     
    I found myself in need of an overhaul. If it was hardware, that would be easy. The software- now that gets sticky.
     
    I needed to feel differently about myself. That's about as difficult as it gets.
     
    When you get in a rut, when you feel negative about yourself, you don't expect good things to happen. And they don't. It becomes a perfectly vicious self-fulfilling circle.
     
    I needed to make some good things happen. I needed to get back in the habit of success.
     
    Where most people screw this particular pooch is to try to do everything at once and don't succeed at any of them.
     
    My strategy was to pick a few strategic goals and concentrate on them. Focus on them. Succeed at them. Learn what it takes.
     
    I started this plan in Aug. 2014. It's now May 2015. Let's have a look.
     
     
    Goal 1- Improve my physical fitness.
     
    Too many people say I'll lose X number of pounds and I'm done. That doesn't work. I need gym time several times a week. Since the project began, I've lost 30 pounds and my body shape has changed. The pounds I didn't lose moved somewhere more useful.
     
    I look better, feel better and I'm about as hot as a fifty something guy can get without cheating (steroids or plastic surgery).
     
    This will continue. I've discovered that I like people staring at my pecs.
     
     
    Goal 2- Add additional professional/technical skills.
     
    I decided to get an Associate degree in Electronics Technology to compliment my degree in computer science. I can do it without mortgaging the future at community college.
     
    So far:
    Digital Electronics A
    Solid State Electronics A
    Tested out: DC Electronics and AC Electronics.
     
    GPA 4.0
     
     
    Lesson Learned:
     
    It takes a plan to make good things happen.
    It takes consistent, persistent effort.
    It takes attention to detail.
    It takes focus.
     
     
    So far, so good.
     
    I'm beginning to believe in myself again.
  21. JamesSavik
    Why did you change your avatar from the silly cat to the blue Beast?
     
    I'm posting Broken here at GA and that ties into that story.
     
    Why did you post Broken? It's been on the shelf for a long time.
     
    I'm stronger now. I plan to finish it. Anyone that has read it up to this point will tell you that there is a lot of ugly stuff in it and you can tell by the last chapter- it's going to get worse fast.
     
    There's a whole lot of drugs in it...
     
    Duh. It was the seventies. The whole country under 20 was high at the time or it seemed that way. (Yeah- I saw you drink the bong water so STFU.)
     
    The sex in Broken seems to have gone from innocent to uh... sleazy.
     
    Think about it. Our lives had turned to shit. We had the choice of a great big shit sandwich or sex, drugs and rock & roll. Consider us prodigies.
     
    Whatever happened to..
     
    Nope. No spoilers. You'll just have to wait for more.
     
    When will we see more?
     
    Already working on it. The outline through chapter 25 is done. When I'm done with my project and finals, I'm going to get back to work on it.
     
    What's the deal with the poetry?
     
    I don't know. I have the strange fits late at night and I hork up a poem. It's really disturbing.
     

  22. JamesSavik
    I'm curious to hear from my readers:
     
    Have you ever been on the wrong end of police misconduct?
     
    Bullying, Harassment- that sort of thing?
     
    I'm considering a story that involves it and I would like to hear your experiences.
     
    If you aren't comfortable replying here, please PM me.
  24. JamesSavik

    That Guy

    By JamesSavik,

    Time for a confession. As often as I do it, you would think I was a bloody Catholic.
     
    One of the biggest issues I had coming to terms with being gay was, in my time, that excluded you from ever being a dad.
     
    Sure- things are changing on that front. If I had the cash, I could adopt but I don't and I'm getting to old for it.
     
    So if you wonder why I am the way I am with the younglings, that's it.
     
    I may not ever be a dad, but if I can be that guy that tells you that you have value when you feel worthless or gives you hope when you feel hopeless, that gives me meaning.
     
    That's who I am and, I'm pleased to be that guy. Somebody has to be and it might as well be me.
  25. JamesSavik
    Holy crap, how did it get to be three am and why am I eating nachos?
     
    This has been an emotionally draining weekend and it has left me feeling very vulnerable.
     
    Friday night I told my story to a 12 step meeting. I've done it before in front of complete strangers. This time it was in front of people I knew. It would have been easier just to take off all my clothes and sing
    . It went OK. No one showed with torches & pitchforks and not a word was said about exorcism. 
    Then there was this very ambitious story I wrote for the upcoming anthology. I got it in just under the wire.
     
    I didn't know if I had the chops to do it justice. I still don't but I gave it everything I had. Everybody that has seen it so far has been pretty complimentary of it. I won't know until it goes live.
     
    The ink in the story is smeared by my tears. It was that emotional to write. I revisited some old friends that have been gone along time and remembered just how much I loved them.
     
    Fuck.
     
    People wonder why I don't sleep. You don't have too. I'm trying to live up to my survivors guilt.
     
    There wasn't a war. Twenty year olds shouldn't have to worry about getting a horrible disease, giving to the people they love and dying.
     
    We did. I miss too many people. There is too much silence that used to be filled with their laughter.
     
    Yes. I've seen a therapist about it but some scars cut too deep.
     
    This pain we don't talk about much. It stays inside but it's always there.
     
    We cant help but wonder why we're here and they are gone.
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