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JamesSavik

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  1. JamesSavik

    Please Don't

    By JamesSavik,

    Please Don't
     
    Please don’t look at the bruise on my face,
    Please don’t ever drop by my place,
    Please don’t ask me how I am,
    Please don’t ask unless you give a damn.
     
    Please let it go when I say that I’m fine,
    Please ignore it when you see the signs,
    I don’t know why they get so mad,
    I wonder what happened to my Dad.
     
    Please don’t say I just have to be strong,
    Please don’t see what is really wrong,
    I can take it, I don’t talk back or fight,
    I can take it, it’ll be all right.
     
    Please don’t notice, please don’t call,
    When you hear a brawl through the wall,
    I can take it, I don’t talk back or fight,
    I can take it, it’ll be all right.
     
    Please don’t notice all the fights,
    Please give him time, he’s always contrite,
    I can take it, I don’t talk back or fight,
    I can take it, it’ll be all right.
     
    Please don’t notice all the cops and the lights,
    I couldn’t take it one more night,
    Not one more blow or another fight.
    They sigh; zip me up the body bag,
    And they wonder why it had to be,
    What you didn’t see was the death of me.
  2. JamesSavik
    Occasionally a story will come along that goes beyond just being good and becomes important. Dabegle's Everything's Jake is one of those stories. It rather graphically illustrates how gay teens and young adults can wake up and find themselves in abusive relationships.
     
    No one that I've ever met just decides one day hot damn, where can I find someone to abuse me every day? Abusive relationships happen to gay and straight young people every day and none of them are looking for it.
     
    There is an old story about how you boil a frog. If you put him in water, he'll stay in it. Then you turn the heat up and he won't jump out. That's how abusive relationships work. They are a seduction. Everything looks fine and then things take subtle turns. You start excusing things, making excuses and blaming yourself. Before long, you are living in hell and wondering what happened.
     
    Who is at risk?
     
    If you were abused as a child or teen, you are at higher risk for abusive relationships than anyone else. Certain personality characteristics put you at risk: insecurity, inferiority and immaturity all play a part.
     
    What is an abuser?
     
    Abusers are a sort of predator. They look for people that they can dominate and manipulate. They use all sorts of tools to do it: emotionally, sexually and even use physical force to control. They are often very macho and controlling. They typically have a hot temper and will be quick to slap, punch and use very rough sex to enforce compliance with his rule.
     
    Why do people stay?
     
    Sometimes the abuser will make his victim completely dependent on them for a place to live, job, transportation and food. The victim can become so controlled by fear, intimidation and/or their own basic insecurity that they will put up with damn near anything.
     
     
    How do you spot abusive behaviors?
     
    This is why this story is so instructive. Paul's behavior illustrates the controlling nature of abusers to a tee. Here are a few bright red flags to look out for.
     
    Your needs never come first. Any discussion is rebellion and quashed. They belittle you and make you feel incompetent.
  3. JamesSavik
    Pat Robinson just compared gay marriage to man-dog marriage. Pat Robinson Compares Gay Marriage to Man-Dog Marriage
     
    Now I've got nothing against dogs but I'm reasonably sure that they have no standing in legal agreements.
     
    Pat Robinson is an ass hat and spreads hate against the GLBT community every time he opens his senile mouth.
     

     
    Tell ABC Family that this isn't the sort of family values you had in mind when you tune in.
     
    If you have had quite enough of this asshole, sign the petition below:
     
    Remove Pat Robinson's 700 Club from ABC Family
  4. JamesSavik
    Abusers isolate you from family and friends.
     
    Abusers abuse you and make you think it's your fault.
     
    Abusers cheat and then they are insanely jealous. All to often they don't even acknowledge your relationship.
     
    They will use you.
     
    Abusers use sex to reward and punish.
     
    The problem with abusive relationships is that they only get worse.
     
    Cops see this crap everyday and hate it. They get called out to the same house or apartment break up a fight where someone is obviously being abused and the victim keeps going back until they end up in the hospital or the morgue.
     
    You have to look out for crap like this. No one WANTS an abusive relationship but there are warning signs if you are honest enough to look out for them.
     
    You have the power to make it stop but you might not even realize it.
     
    All you have to do is WALK AWAY.
     
    It might be difficult. You might have to start over in a lot of ways.
     
    It's worth it. The longer you stay in an abusive relation, the more damage it will do to your self image and self confidence- exactly the things you will need to stand up for yourself.
  5. JamesSavik
    I don't know how to approach this topic. It's ugly so be warned that it's not going anywhere nice. If you're going to freak out, change to the Disney channel.
     
    Adult content. Violence. Very, very fucked up situations.
     
    No parent in their right mind would want you to know that this shit happens.
     
    ____________________________________________________________
     
     
    I'm going to tell you a story about an 18 year old freshman.
     
    He was really excited to go to college. He was going where his dad went to school. He was relieved to get away from where he went to high school because he had been harassed and humiliated for years for being gay. It was a new start with new people. It was really good for him. He never asked to be the town fag. It would be nice to meet people that hadn't already made up their mind about him. He left it all behind: the drugs, the booze, the humiliation.
     
    He went to orientation and met a nice kid from Tupelo and they decided to room together. They were in different majors but they were a good match sharing the same weird hybrid geek/jock thing.
     
    They went back home, packed and came back to college to set up their dorm room. They met the guys on their floor. They made a lot of friends, they had fun, they threw the football around- all was going well.
     
    Classes started and our freshman applied himself. He was diligent about his studies. He did his homework. People noticed that he was smart.
     
    A group of pledges to one of the fraternities on campus asked him to join their study group. He didn't really know anything about fraternities but the kids were nice and sincere about doing well, so he joined them every Tuesday and Thursday night to study calculus and chemistry.
     
    All was going well until until October. The upper class men came through to harass their pledges. He wasn't one so he was immune but they talked to him, asked him where he was from and so on. He didn't know what he was setting himself up for.
     
    The pledges told him that the frat might ask him to pledge. He wasn't sure. He didn't like the way they treated their pledges and he wasn't all that excited about it. He saw someone that looked familiar to but he couldn't place him.
     
    There was a big football game that weekend. The team was playing one of its big rivals. The frat pledges invited him to the party. He asked if he could bring his room mate Howard and they said sure. When he got back to the dorm, Howard said he was going home that weekend so he was on his own for the weekend.
     
    That Saturday afternoon the football team got rolled by Southern Miss 42-14. The atmosphere wasn't especially festive but he was curious about the frat so he showed up about 8:00. He was wearing white tennis shorts and Maroon Izod shirt. He fit right in. There was booze and girls and he got the feeling that some of the guys were actually trying to get him hammered.
     
    Before everyone got falling down drunk the potential pledges were given a tour of the house. It was a beautiful colonial mansion on frat row with all the amenities. It was obvious to him that this was a playhouse for rich kids and he had very little in common with them. Their casual use of the words faggot and n****r made him wince. He was beginning to realize that these weren't very nice people.
     
    When the tour was over he was asked to go upstairs. One of the upperclassmen said that the chapter president wanted to thank him for helping their pledges with their classes. He followed his escort up to a room and went inside. The door closed behind him and he found myself face to face their five very large guys.
     
    Their ring leader was the big fat guy that looked familiar. The fat guy said remember me? He shook his head and said no- you look familiar but I can't place you.
     
    The leader said- I'm Josh Farmer. Brad's older brother.
     
    His stomach turned to ice. Brad Farmer had been a bully that he had fought three different times. He had won because Brad was a dumb ass who expected to beat up a weak fag but it hadn't worked out that way. He turned to rush for the door but strong hands grabbed him and turned him back to Josh.
     
    Josh said we don't take kindly to faggots sniffing around our pledges. I owe you for kicking my brothers ass three times and I owe you for the beatings my dad gave Brad for getting his ass kicked by a fag.
     
    It started suddenly. Fists were everywhere. He fought back. He elbowed the ass hats that thought they would hold him. He punched, he kicked but it was too much. Fighting back seemed to piss them off. Once he was down they kicked him. His eyes were shut, his nose bleeding, He knew it was bad because it didn't hurt yet.
     
    The goon squad left him alone with Josh. Josh stood over him and said you could never be one of us but you are going to be our bitch though. You'll show up to the frat every Wednesday to do laundry and clean up the house.
     
    He spit a glob of blood at his tormentor. He said that'll be the day.
     
    Josh said you've got a lot of spirit for a bitch. Guess I'll have to break you.
     
    Josh tied him up and then anally raped him.
     
    He woke up some time later still tied up. Josh was passed out drunk on his bed. It took him a while to get out of the bondage shit. The door was locked so he went out the window.
     
    It was in the wee hours of the morning and walking back to the dorms was a challenge. The campus cops confronted him and saw that he was badly beaten. The cop was a good guy. The cop asked if he needed to go to the ER but he declined. The cop drove him to the dorm and got him in without having to be interrogated for coming back after curfew.
     
    He got in his bed in his dorm room and passed out.
     
    Sunday morning he was awakened by Howard. Jesus Christ, what happened to you!?
     
    He couldn't say a word. A tear rolled down his cheek. He hurt so bad he didn't want to move. Howard begged him to go to the Emergency Room but he just shook his head.
     
    His emotions were everywhere. He was ashamed. He was angry. He was so humiliated. Men aren't supposed to be raped. He wanted to kill Josh Farmer very, very slowly.
     
    Worse still, he would have to see those frat people every day.
     
    All he could do is was lay there and cry. Poor Howard had no idea what to do. He got some wash clothes and cleaned up his friend as best he could without moving him around much.
     
    Monday morning wasn't much better. Howard helped him out of his clothes and said, Jesus dude, you're bleeding out of your ass!
     
    It was dried blood but the damage was done. Howard helped him down the hall and the other kids in the hall saw what a mess he was an were appalled. He got in the shower to wash the filth off but knew he would never really feel clean again.
     
    Howard insisted that he go to the student clinic that morning. He went and was confronted with a lot of questions he wouldn't- he couldn't answer. He didn't make it back to classes until Wednesday morning.
     
    The frat boys had the story out. The story was that he had come on to somebody at the frat and got his ass righteously beaten. He was done at that college.
     
    Howard moved out. Nobody talked to him. He was a pariah again.
     
    He finished the semester with a 3.0- good, not great. No one could understand why he didn't come back the next semester.
     
    His whole personality changed from a nice, confident kid to a scared, uncomfortable cynical bastard. He became paranoid. His friends at home knew something had gone badly wrong but they could never get him to talk about it.
     
    From then on he was drunk or stoned every day. He didn't want to remember his nightmare. He didn't want to think about the friends that he had loved that turned their back on him when he needed them the most. He didn't want to remember what it felt like to be one of the guys because it hurt too much.
     
    He pushed his friends away. He got worse and worse. He was angry and hurt all the time and he didn't know what to do about it. Drugs and alcohol were his escape.
     
    He put it all in a tiny little box in the back of his mind and willed himself to forget it.
     
    ____________________________________________________________________
     
    Thirty-five years later
     
    He was reading a story where some macho asshole was telling some kid that he was going to make him his bitch.
     
    It set him off in a rage. He fumed, he raged, he remembered.
     
    It was me.
     
    It is how I got lost.
     
    A lot of stuff makes sense now that I could never understand.
     
    I'm glad that I didn't remember it sooner. It would have broken me.
     
    It still shocks me. I was in a prison of shame that was as strong as any steel.
     
    I'm different today. I have the tools and the support that I need to recover and I will.
     
    It will take some time. It will take some work but I will.
     
    I've come too far to quit now.
  6. JamesSavik
    "Outing" people is, under most circumstances, traumatic and potentially destructive.
     
    It can even be dangerous to people.
     
    It should only be done only under certain exceptional circumstances. Examples follow and then guidelines.
     

    Reverend Ted Haggard, millionaire leader of a mega-church, was a highly influential, outspoken critic of gay people and gay rights.
    He counseled parents to send their gay kids to pray-the-gay-away camp.
    He was caught with a hustler and crystal meth.
     
    More info: http://en.wikipedia....iki/Ted_Haggard
     
    OUT THE BASTARD
     
     
     

    Rep. Mark Foley never saw a piece of ridiculously anti-gay legislation that he didn't like. He also voted for and authored many bills that created severe penalties for illegal use of a minor.
    He was caught sending sexy texts to under-aged male pages. He requested that they take pictures of their junk and send it to him.'
     
    More info: http://en.wikipedia....l_page_incident
     
    OUT THE BASTARD
     
     
     

    Senator Larry Craig had one of the senates most anti-gay voting records. He was caught soliciting sex from a police officer in a airport mens room.
     
    For more info: http://en.wikipedia....y_Craig_scandal
     
    OUT THE BASTARD
     
     
     

    This is Dr. George Rekers(left). He wrote many of the basic scientific papers used by anti-gay hate groups to justify their bigotry. He did a study (federally funded) utilizing negative feedback (aversion therapy) to turn an effeminate male child "masculine". He touted his research with his test subject Craig as a big success. Problem was that Craig was a broken adult and committed suicide just shy of his 35th birthday after a long battle with drug and alcohol addiction and depression.
    Rekers was a board member of NARTH (National Association for Research & Therapy of Homosexuality) and co-founder of the Family Research Council.
    Dr. George as he was affectionately called by the board of directors of the Family Research Council (FRC), was the face of scientific credibility for their severely biased anti-gay propaganda.
     
    He was caught vacationing with a pretty young twink he met on rentboy.com
    He claimed to have a bad back and paid the poor deviant boy $5000 to accompany him on vacation so that he could minister to him.
    The rent-boy(right) didn't really know who Dr. George was. When he found out, he blew the whistle on Reker's lies. It turns out that sex doesn't count as ministering.
     
    The quack Doctor George Alan Rekers wrote many books including the steaming piece of crap below. There's no telling how many children have been tortured because they didn't fit Reker's or their parents image of masculinity.
     

     
    Both the FRC and NARTH continue to use Reker's work.
     
    More info: http://liftmyluggage.org
     
    Reker's unethical human experimentation: http://www.towleroad...troyed-a-m.html
     
     
    Once again:
     
    OUT THE BASTARD!
     
     
     
    A Good General Rule of Thumb:
     
    Never ever under ANY circumstances out a minor.
     
    Never out a private citizen. The way they live their life and handle their affairs is nobodies business but their own.
     
    HOWEVER-
     
    Celebrities and people in power, especially hypocrites that use that power to harm other GLBT people, ALL BETS ARE OFF.
     
    It's sort of a public service to out ass-hats like this.
     

     
    ______________________________________________________
     
    Originally run in April 2012
  7. JamesSavik
    This might be a bad idea. Probably- I've had them before.
     
    I think that it reminds me of the controversy over the word queer.
     
    To those of us in the South there's no word quite so hateful. Wrapping my mind around the concept of taking that word back took a lot of getting used to.
     
    Those of us that are either from the South or live here know a lot about hate. Just today in the local paper there was a whole editorial page dripping with it.
     
    They call us unstable- after tormenting us from childhood. They call us immoral- based on four or five vague references in their bible. They call us lots of things that I won't dirty up my blog with but none of it is nice.
     
    I used to get mad. Then I said fuck it.
     
    I'm going to take away their most prized symbol. It's ours too. We were born here. We can claim the same heritage if not for exactly the same reasons.
     
    What you are going to see behind the spoiler may shock you. If you were born down here in the South, you'll laugh and understand just how bat shit crazy it will drive the rednecks.
     
    Take it back. It belongs to you. You are a son of the South- even if only treated like a step-son.
     
     
  8. JamesSavik
    I am always studying addiction. It is a science that far too may people think they have figured out. The reality is a lot more complicated.
     

     
    This is Whiskers the rat. I bring Whiskers into this discussion because almost everybody is familiar with the famous experiment where they put a rat in a cage with easy access to cocaine and the rat goes ape shit and does cocaine until he dies.
     
    The obvious things most people think about this experiment is that holy shit, cocaine is awesomely addictive. Another conclusion might be that rats aren't that bright.
     
    Some other scientists said- wait just a minute. You put a rat in a cage with nothing to do but cocaine. No rat gyms, no rat clubs, no rat buddies- just cocaine. So... is it the rat or is it the cage?
     
    That's a pretty awesome question. I think any addict might be fascinated with it.
     
    The experiment with a richer cage- one with things to do and rats to see- was quite different. The rat left the coke alone. It hung out with his rat bros. It ran around the hamster wheel. It talked to his rat buddies about what a sell-out slut Minnie Mouse is. It did all sorts of things but it didn't do cocaine until it died.
     
    That's a much better outcome for Whiskers. It also raises some interesting questions. Is it the addict or is it his cage?
     
    People are a lot more complicated than rats. So are our cages. Our cages aren't made of wire. They are a product of culture, family, religion and environment.
     
    When the rat said fuk that coke shit, I'm hanging with my bros, he was connected to something. In this case we might call it community. Anyone that has ever seen hard core addiction up close knows that is something that takes place in isolation. You can't stay up on a coke bender for a week at a time and hang with grandma. You can smoke crack in public. We call it anti-social behavior because most people don't want to be around that sort of behavior. They don't want to be around addicts.
     
    Addicts are disconnected in many ways both subtle and gross. The more advanced the addiction, the less connected they are. It's why so many people over dose and die because they use when no one else is around.
     
    I don't know what this means in terms of rehabing addicts. I think it is sort of obvious. The way we try to help addicts clean up is to connect them with a network of supportive people. That is one of the basics of 12 step programs.
     
    It's interesting and raises lot's of questions. Here's the article- it's well worth checking out.
     
    The Likely Cause of Addiction Has Been Discovered, and It Is Not What You Think
     
    SO.. just remember...
     


  9. JamesSavik

    S&M for Dummies

    By JamesSavik,

    I just don't have it in me.
     
    I have experienced enough real pain to know that I don't like it and, am mortified(good Southern word) at the thought of causing pain to others- especially someone I like enough to want to roll around with.
     
    The idea of being out of control gives me cold sweats so trying to tie me up would be like trying to give a cat a bath. It could probably be done but no one would enjoy the experience.
     
    Leather? No. Just.. no.
     
    I'm just not kinky that way.
     
    My big S&M fantasy? Rescuing the poor guy that's tied up. Picking him up, carrying him away to some place nicer where I can experience his gratitude.
     
    That doesn't work either. He liked being tied up.
     

     
    I actually searched for S&M for Dummies.
     

     
    That was no help. Then after a few more searches, I was like
     

     
    Maybe there are frontiers that I probably shouldn't explore.
  10. JamesSavik
    The Athlete
     
    OK. You can stand the competitiveness to get next to those pecs and abs. It's not that he looks like a Greek god chiseled out of marble that turns you on about him. It's that dreamy look in his eye.
     
    It takes you a while to figure out that when he gets that dreamy look, he's thinking of somebody else.
     
     

     
    Mr. Perfect
     
    No. He's not a wrestler except in the sack. Mr. Perfect is everything you always wanted... except for the cheating and the clap.
     
     

     
    The Hipster
     
    Like anyone that has ever fed a tom-cat, you gave him sex once and now you own him. Unlike the tom-cat, you can't drop him off at the pound.
     
     

     
    The Cute Dumb One
     
    You can't help but fall in love with the cute dumb one. His vulnerability is so appealing. It takes dating him a while to figure out that he'll be a high maintenance life long project. Trade in on a red neck or a geek. At least they can fix your car/computer.
     
     

     
    The Buddy
     
    It's inevitable. Everybody makes the mistake of sleeping with one of their buddies. Problem is that weirdness factor afterwards. So... do you want to play video games or blow me? You can see how this will get complicated.
     
     

     
    The Pretty, Pretty EMO Boy
     
    This is a mistake of epic proportions. EMO boys are like crack: they are highly addictive and hard to get. They will only find you sexually attractive until you turn 20 and then you immediately become a sad old troll that they are embarrassed to be seen talking to. Sure the sex is amazing but the early troll-hood just ain't worth it.
     
     

     
    The Geek
     
    OK- he's not very sexy or attractive but he'll love you like it is the first time- because for him, it probably is. Sure he tends to be socially awkward and might need coaching to shower and brush his teeth every day but dammit, he's reliable. He can either fix your computer or build you a new one that would make the NSA jealous.
     
     

     
    The Drunk
     
    No. Just no.
     
     

     
    The Redneck Kid
     
    Whether he is from Kansas or Louisiana or Texas, he's polite and has some old fashioned ways but you can always count on him to be true. He can fix your car and shoot burglars between the eyes. He's a keeper.
     

     
    The Horrible Mistake
     
    There's no picture for this one. It's not about looks. It all personality and yours and his are like Siamese Fighting Fish. Sure the sex is great if you can manage to not kill each other. Go for it one last time and then GTFO before someone gets hurt.
  11. JamesSavik
    1. Ignoring the Obvious- It is said that love is blind. It makes us overlook tiny little flaws like say... alcoholism.
     

     
    2. Thinking he will change for me- no, he won't. In some cases, you can expect it to get much worse and take you down with them.
     

     
    3. I have to take it because I can't do any better- without any self esteem or confidence, you probably won't. You won't get either staying in an abusive situation.
     

     
    4. I need a relationship- are you ready for one or is it a security blanket you hide behind? You can't stand together if you can't stand alone.
     

     
    5. Forgive and forget- resentments poison relationships.
     

     
    6. Don't expect your partner to read your mind- unless you are dating Professor X. You must communicate.
     

     
    7. Don't take him for granted- there's little worse than being lonely in a relationship. Give him the gift of your self as often as possible.
     

     
    8. Remember the romance- little touches go a long way to keeping the magic alive.
     

     
    9. Make time for each other- it's how you grow together.
     

     
    10. Be sure to play together a little every day- it never gets old that way and it keeps you young.
  13. JamesSavik
    The following is a list of some of my favorite GLBT oriented story sites. I know there are more but these are special in one way or another. If you find a site missing, please add it in a comment.
     
    Awesomedude Awesomedude
     
    My "home" site and the home of many really good authors I like to hang out with in case some of the magic is transferable.
     
     
    Deweywriter Deweywriter
     
    This is the home of Dewey's Brian & Pete Saga and the Eggman's A New Life. Go there. Pack a lunch and plan on camping out.
     
     
    CRVBoy CRVBoy
     
    This is the site that I first discovered way back when. It is still very much alive and kicking with an impressive array of authors.
     
     
    DaBeagle DaBeagle
     
    This is the home of the incomparable Master Beagle, the creator of the Sanitaria Springs stories.
     
     
    Stories by Driver Stories by Driver
     
    This is the home of Driver and his amazing stories.
     
     
    IOMFATS IMOFATS
     
    The site is so British that it even has an English accent. It is home for tons of good fiction and authors you just won't find anywhere else.
  15. JamesSavik
    You know what bugs me in a story?
     
    Mr. fucking Perfect. If I were ever to meet this person, I'd probably kick his ass on general principles.
     
    Granted: with some authors, there is some level of wish fulfillment going on but please!
     
    I'm not going to dump on any author- lot's of us do it.
     
    See if you've met this asshole:
     
    Mr. Perfect as a kid is brilliant and gets all A's. He's the perfect size, with perfect hair, with perfect bod and a perfect schlong. Of course- he get's the perfect boyfriend. He already knows more about sex than the karma sutra.
     
    Mr. Perfect as an adult has the looks, the perfect car, the perfect job, is rich as fuck and gives money to feed starving orphans and nuns in Bogustan.
     
    Ever meet Mr. Perfect? Of course not. He doesn't exist. If he did he would be an insufferable ass hole.
     
    Real people have problems. Real people live in the real world. Real people struggle, they have problems and issues. And sometimes they rise above themselves and overcome.
     
    THAT's WHERE DRAMA COMES FROM.
     
    Think about how many stories you read where you encountered Mr. Perfect. Remember any? I doubt it. Mr. Perfect has nothing to teach you. You live in different worlds. Mr. Perfect doesn't worry about money or rejection or abandonment. If someone is dumb enough to leave him, they'll line up to jump in his bed! He's Mr. Perfect!
     
    Let's talk about some imperfect characters you did remember.
     
    Rory from Dom's Desert Dropping. Wasn't he an annoying little bastard? Dumb as a post to boot. You remember him because he was real and he grew up during the story.
     
    Remember Arron from the same story. You remember him because he was flawed.
     
    Or Prez from the Eggman's a New Life- you remember him because he was REAL.For a kid from Sherman, TX, moving to Malibu, CA was a New Life!
     
    Or Dewey's Bryan and Pete because you wanted them to be as real and couragious as they were.
     
    Or Scott and Joey from Driver's Falling Off a Log- they were real because they were who they were. You loved them because they were awkward little kids figuring out life.
     
    The moral of this blog is that our characters don't have to be perfect for people to love them. In fact, the charm of many characters lies in their flaws.The ones that we remember are the ones who grow and overcome as we watch.
  16. JamesSavik

    Metal Mania

    By JamesSavik,

    hello my friends. I have an unusual request. No it doesn't involve a chicken suit or gravy this time.
     
    In an upcoming story, my character is a young metalhead in middle school.
     
    Jimmy Mcculloch is small for his age and a bit immature. He's the younest in his class because his August birthday fell at just the right date for him to start scool.
     
    He wears NIN or Tool or anthrax or megadeth t-shirt all the time.
     
    He drinks and smokes weed every day. He doesn't have a lot of friends and is a target for bullies.
     
    He is not brilliant in all of his classes. He's not self confident, doesn't really know who he is.
     
    He is very angry and has been abused by a drunk mother and he skims her dope when she is passed out.
     
    ______________________________________________
     
    What would you expect to find on his MP3 player? What groups would he like? or hate?
     
    Why?
     
    What does he hope for? What does he fear?
     
    Help me figure this guy out.
     
    I think I know him but there is always more to a person than the masks they wear.
     
    If Jimmy Mcculloch sounds familiar, it should. It's the name for a guitar prodigy that played with Paul McCarthy and Wings in the 70s and died very young of an OD.
     
    There's always a reason.
  17. JamesSavik
    Last month we had a very unusual protest of the ruling that struck down the law banning gay marriage in Mississippi.
     
    A black minister put a wedding dress on a horse. You don't see that everyday
     

     
    As you can guess, I wasn't too fond of that. It prompted a discussion on social media a little like a wild fire with brilliant social commentary like "adam and eve, not adam and steve" and "next they'll want to marry their dog".
     
    This doesn't bother me. I've seen it before but then came the question- why do people compare this to allowing mixed races marry?
     
    At this point, I had to jump in:
     
    This wasn't very popular. I'm still getting hate messages and threats from it. And a lot of good comments. It seems a lot of people never saw it this way before.
     
    The possibility that gay marriage will eventually come to Mississippi of all places hit this state like a social earthquake.
     
    Many of us never thought we would see it in our lifetime.
     
    If it is coming here of all places, which is only a little less socially conservative than say Iran perhaps, should spread hope and cheer to GLBT people everywhere.
     
    In the last year we have had many wins. Here in the very heart of the bible belt, this one is especially sweet and it has been a very long time coming.
  18. JamesSavik
    Tapping by Kit
     
    This little story is lot's of fun and it is as English as a pile of fish & chips.
     
    Mark is 15, just out of school and his dad has to move. They buy an old mansion in Scotland with a ghost and a 100 year old secret. What will he find when he looks for answers?
     
    READ IT! IT ROCKS!
  19. JamesSavik

    Nightfall (preview)

    By JamesSavik,

    There are three stories in a trilogy.
    The 1st is: the Place in Between
    The 2nd is: Getting to the Happily Ever After
    The 3rd will be Nightfall
     
    I've started it but I'm not sure when it's going to post. Most probably in the Spring Anthology.
     
    I have several things going on at once. Well- screw it. I produce better under pressure.
     
    Nightfall is about the early days of the AIDS epidemic. Back when AIDS was mysterious and we didn't know much about it. It's about the fear, the panic, the shattering loss that so many of us went through.
     
    I've been wanting to, no NEEDING to write about this.
     
    Most of you are quite sure that I'm a lunatic and I have more issues than Scientific American. This period of time is when I picked up a number of those issues. I'm going to tell the story and try to show the emotional impact and how devastating it was.
     
    Don't think it all darkness and gloom. There's much more to it than despair. There will also be love, loyalty, courage, faith and hope.
     
    Light always flees the darkness. You just have to make it through the night.
     
    I will do my best with it.
    ____________________________________________________________________________
     
     
     

    Nightfall



    July 1982


     
    The phone was ringing in my apartment when I got home from work but I missed it.
     
    I got out of my clothes and hit the showers. Construction work was fun and it paid well but, it was hot, dirty and dangerous. It didn’t take too much of it for me to figure out that I didn’t want to do it for a career. For now it was paying the bills.
     
    The phone rang again and interrupted a perfectly wonderful dream as I was napping on the couch.
     
    “Hello.”
     
    “Jimmy. Thank God I got you.”
     
    I recognized the voice immediately and he didn’t sound good. “Hi Lee, how are you?”
     
    Lee sighed and said, “Randy had been bugging me to get some moles on my back checked on. I went to one of the docs here at UT and he sent me to the UT Medical Center to see a specialist. They took one off to do a biopsy. Jimmy, have you heard of GRID?”
     
    My stomach lurched: Gay Immune Related Deficiency. I had. It was all over PRM and it was scaring the shit out of the folk all over the country.
     
    All I could think to say was, “Jesus Lee.”
     
    “Yeah, that pretty much sums it up. They said I might have it and they’ll know with that biopsy.” Lee’s voice cracked as he said, “I’m a basket case and Randy is— he needs you guys. “
     
    There was nothing else he had to say. “I can guess how Randy is. Look I’m going to call Alec and Travis right now. Clay is off shore. Hang in there. We’re coming.”
  20. JamesSavik
    Scotty gets a Mustang
     

     
    I'm fifteen. It's summer and in July in Mississippi, it's hot as hell.
     
    Things haven't been awesome at home for some time. Not since my asshole scoutmaster told my parents that homosexuals weren't welcome in scouting.
     
    He threw that little bomb into our home and walked his self righteous ass away. I hated him. I really wanted to kill him because nothing was ever the same after.
     
    My dad never hit me before. I was always afraid. They told me that you can't be a faggot and live in this house.
     
    I didn't understand. I didn't know how to be anyone else. I wasn't really sure what a faggot was.
     
    My best friend from diapers was the kid across the road. He was so cute I couldn't help but love him. He was little compared to me but I wouldn't let anybody pick on him. Kissing him was so wrong?
     
    My dad would just hit me. My mom was worse in a way. She would go with the bible verses and that scared the shit out of me.
     
    Things were so inconsistent it drove me crazy. Sometimes they were really strict and others, it was like they didn't give a damn. I got out of the house as much as I could. I never knew when dad would go off or mom would start with the bible shit.
     
    For a long time I was forbidden to see Scotty- like that would ever work. We didn't see each other for a while and when we did we both cried like babies we were so happy to see each other. That wasn't the only reason.
     
    For a long time we didn't understand why everybody was so mad at us for. Then, when they told us, we were shocked. We hadn't done any of that sex stuff yet. I had just kissed him. Then I thought it would be OK. I told them that and my dad yelled, liar and slapped me so hard I hit the floor and rolled.
     
    I lived in fear. Fear that my parents would- I didn't even know.
     
    I had always loved my Dad. He was a bone fide war-hero with medals and ribbons prove it. I was in awe of him. I wanted him to be proud of me and now it seemed like he hated me.
     
    I knew where the guns were. I got my Dad's Colt out, worked the action and put the barrel under my chin.
     
    It could all be over but I couldn't do it. There was someone else I wanted to live long enough to shoot. Maybe my hate for that bastard scoutmaster saved my life.
     
    I hated myself even worse because I couldn't pull the trigger. That was OK. I knew where it was. If things got too bad, I knew I could always check out. That was always in the back of my mind.
     
    Things went on like this for a couple of years. I was in hell at home and school wasn't much better. At least I could punch back there.
     
    I put all of the anger and hate into football. I worked out with weights. I got in so many fights it was ridiculous.
     
    The messed up thing about it was that my Dad sort of encouraged it. He loved the football part. The fighting didn't bother him.
     
    I started getting a reputation as crazy because when I fought, I was all in. It was assholes and elbows and even if I didn't kick your ass, you would leave having had a completely miserable experience.
     
    I started getting high when I was thirteen soon after the incident which ruined my family.
     
    I could be at peace for a while. All the anger ebbed and I wasn't on edge all the time. What was really messed up was that my parents liked me better when I was high. They didn't know of course. When I was high I was more compliant and didn't fight with them.
     
    Getting high soon turned into an every day thing. It's not like the nice kids wanted anything to do with me. It was a win-win. I wasn't angry and scared all the time and I didn't fight with my parents.
     
    That didn't stop my dad from going off and hitting me if he saw something he didn't like.
     

    Yes was one of my favorite music groups. I put a poster on the wall of my room. He saw it and went ape shit. He ripped it down and cussed me out.
     
    What the fuck? Rush didn't seem to bother him.
     
    Summer time was my great escape when my parents were at work. I could have some peace and not worry about getting hit or eternal damnation.
     
    Out of the blue, Scotty drives up with an old Mustang! We were so excited. It needed some work so we had a project.
     
    During the days we worked on that old car. We did everything we could to it: points, plugs, rebuilt the carb.
     
    It was fun. We had a Chilton's for the 1970 Mustang Fastback and were having a ball playing with it.
     
    Of course- I would always go home before the parents got home.
     
    It was blazing hot and we were in gym shorts. We were both covered in grease. We were shirtless because who wants to ruin a shirt?
     
    Dad comes home early from work, looks over, sees us and just explodes.
     
    We didn't even notice he had arrived. He came up from behind, grabbed me by the hair (I HATE THAT). I fell on the concrete and he kicked me growling, "Get in the house faggot, I'm not going to have you out like this disgracing the family".
     
    I would try to get up and he would kick me again. I was finally able to get up and run to the house.
     
    Somebody called the cops and they showed up.
     
    It was just the Colonel teaching his 15 year old faggot son to be a man.
     
    They left without saying a word to me.
     
    That's just a LITTLE sample of life with the Colonel. Great guy the Colonel. Killed more gooks than cancer but a little- uhh... lacking on the social graces.
     
    Thank God he took the job with FEMA and went to Washington or we WOULD have killed each other. No one in his social circles would have ever believed that he hit his son- regularly and hard.
  21. JamesSavik

    To live again

    By JamesSavik,

    Freddie Mercury, Rock Hudson, Gia Carangi, Isaac Asimov, Michel Foucault, Anthony Perkins, Leigh Bowery, Robert Reed, Arthur Ashe, Easy-E, Michael Lupo, Tony Richardson, Peter McWilliams, Denholt Eliott, Cazuza, Dac Rambo, Peter Allen, Tom Waddell, Jerry Smith, Pedro Zamora, Michael Jeter, Glenn Burke, John Curry, Roy Cohn, Howard Asher, Essex Hemphill, Slyvester, Ian Charleston, Kieth Herring, Andy Miligan, Vito Russo, Jon Hinson, Arthur Russell, Derick Johnson, Alvin Ailey, Steve Rubell, Brian Pockar, Rudolf Nureyev, Tim Richmond, Ondrej Nepela, Alan Bloom, Bruce Chatwin, Tommy Sexton, Tina Chow, Warren Chow, Warren Casey, John Boswell, Randy Shilts, Marlon Riggs, James Kirkwood, Cyril Collard, Eric Bruhn, David Wojnarowicz, Tom Villard, Jack Baker, Simon Bailey, Kenny Everett, Arturo Islas, Perry Ellis, Ron Vawter, Nicky Crane, Guy Hocquenghem, Paddy Chew, Tom Preston, Tony de Vit, Kevin Hall, Vincent Hanley, Kenny Green, Wili Smith, Michael Callen, Robin Crowsby

    Those are just *some* of the famous names.

    The ones that hurt, really hurt, were the ones you never heard of.

    Jeff D, Doug B, Kelly F, Joe S, Kevin S, Cole J, Marc C and so many more...

    They were the brothers, lovers, cousins, old friends, acquaintances and old flames.

    They were the ones you lost track of until their names marched by in the obituaries.

    I first started hearing about 'the Gay Plague' soon after I turned 18. I was listening to NPR on a Sunday afternoon after going home for a weekend.

    It kept coming up. It was mysterious and frightening. No one knew what it was. The scientist thought it was a virus but they couldn't isolate it. I knew one thing- we were in trouble.

    There was a ton of denial. We're in Mississippi. Whatever it is, it's in the big cities like San Francisco and New York. We've got nothing to worry about. Right. Because viruses respect lines on maps?

    I became an activist of sorts. I started working with some people I knew to promote safe sex. We handed out God knows how many condoms.

    Then it started in earnest.

    I can't describe the weird combination of fear and denial and panic that I saw around me. People were still fucking around like crazy. I guess it was like the people on the Titanic that kept on partying until the ship went under.

    It broke my heart. It drove me bat shit cRaZy. After the one, the one I would have happily married and spent my life with, died in 1996. I crawled in a bottle and spent those lost years in an haze of booze and weed.

    It took me years to get my shit back together. I lost so much along the way. Oct. 1, 2003 I decided to live again.

    It took a shrink. It took some guts. But I'm alive again.

    I've never liked to lose. It takes a while to figure out that there really isn't a score. As long as you're alive, you are winning as long as you just don't quit.

    _______________________________________________________________

    1996 a poem about those years ==> https://www.gayauthors.org/story/jamessavik/1996
  22. JamesSavik
    Responsibility is a word that has really been raped over time.
     
    It means blame- Who is responsible for toilet papering Principal Skinner's house?
     
    It means shame- The criminal admitted his responsibility and took a plea bargain.
     
    It can sometimes mean burden- I am responsible for taking out the trash on Mondays and Fridays.
     
    It often means guilt- My insurance dropped me because I was responsible for the accident.
     
    All of those definitions have made it a word that many people are frightened of. People are afraid of responsibility because in their mind it means blame, shame, burden or guilt.
     
    This fear of responsibility has made a great many people abrogate their responsibilities or simply refuse to accept any responsibility. When this happens, it causes serious consequences.
     
    One of the REAL meanings of responsibility is POWER. When you accept responsibility, you take power over yourself, job or position. When you refuse to accept responsibility, you cede that power to someone else. When you refuse any responsibility you give up what personal power that you have.
     
    When we get rid of the blame, shame, burden and guilt definition and replace it with POWER, it gives us an entirely different outlook.
     
    Start replacing the word responsibility for power in your mind and see what happens.
     
    I think you'll like it.
     
     
    Addendum :
     
     
    There are two other parts of this that are important.
     
    Ownership: by taking responsibility, you take ownership.
     
    Accountability: responsibility usually comes with accountability.
     
    I could expand on these concepts but I'll leave it as an exercise for the reader.
     
    Now consider how these three work together to moderate each other.
  23. JamesSavik

    My Nightmares

    By JamesSavik,

    It's 4:30am again and I haven't slept. I've got to be up in 3 hours and I'm screwed.
     
    There's danger in writing about old times. Sometimes you wake up old demons that you wished you had left alone.
     
    I'm going to warn you that if you go past the spoiler you're going to read something shitty. It's one of my nightmares that comes back from time to time to torment me. I try to keep it in a little box and never take it out but sometimes it escapes and it haunts me to this very day.
     
     
     
     
    I don't know what to do with this. It's something that comes up and messes with me from time to time.
     
    If there's a hell- for me that was it.
  24. JamesSavik

    Gay Novels?

    By JamesSavik,

    What makes a novel "gay"?
     
    A Rainbow binding? Tiny feather Boas? Magic twinkie dust? Leather on the HARD back?
     
    What percent of gay sex, campyness, kitchy slang, innuendo or gossip does it take?
     
    I have a strange idea that no novels are gay. They may have gay content, they may have sex, they may even have gay characters but the novel itself isn't gay.
     
    It should stand alone on its own merits. Like a person, a novel should have its own character, integrity and ideals. It should define itself in its message- not its sexuality.
     
    We do ourselves a great disservice by drawing a circle and throwing our art inside. It tends to create the very kind ghetto of thought that we all seek to avoid.
     
    I look forward to the day when gay themes, characters and even romance hardly merit attention. They are defined simply as romance, mystery, action, sci-fi and westerns.
  25. JamesSavik
    New story for winter anthology.
     
    Sneaky Peek:
    ___________
     
     
    It’s funny how life can change in an instant. One event can change everything that follows.
     
    That moment arrived for Randy Austin Taylor, affectionately known as “Rat” by his many friends at Denton Academy, on a sunny Tuesday afternoon during his fifth period Geometry class on May 16, 1978.
     
    He was summoned to the office by one of the girls who worked there. His anxiety was heightened by the way she spoke quietly to his teacher and looked at him sideways. That look spoke volumes.
     
    As he took the long walk to the office he tried to think of anything that he might have done to merit the attention of Vice Principle Maxwell. His primary duty was to tend to disciplinary matters at the Academy which he did with gusto. A large paddle nicknamed Old Hickory with which he tended to such matters was prominently displayed in his office.
     
    When he arrived at the main office, he was greeted warmly by the school secretary Mrs. Shannon and was directed to Principle Van Zant’s Office. For a moment he felt better about matters. Van Zant never bothered with disciplinary matters except in his own Civics and Texas History classes. His role was “good cop” in contrast to Maxwell.
    Everything changed when he walked into Van Zant’s office.
     
    Mr. Van Zant was sitting behind his desk with somber expression.
     
    Sitting in chairs around the room was his father’s law partner Brad Miloy, a uniformed Texas Ranger and the school nurse Shelly McBride.
     
    Van Zant rose and said, “Randy, please take a seat. I’m afraid we have the worst kind of news for you.”
    Randy’s mind was racing as he sat down in the big chair.
     
    Brad Miloy said, “Get hold of yourself Randy. This is as bad as it gets. I got here as soon as I could.”
     
    Randy was really shaken up by this point and said, “What has happened?”
     
    The Texas State Trooper said, “I’m sorry to have to be the one to tell you this son. Today at a little past one your mother and father were headed north to Denton on Highway 7 when traffic slowed for an accident. They were rear ended and killed instantly by a tractor-trailer.”
     
    ____________________________________________________
     
    Tune into the Winter Anthology for more!
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