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Nephylim

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  2. Nephylim
    I've just posted Chapter four of Aria Graice. Amara is performing a concert at the O2 Arena in London. I hope I am about to post a blog that puts images to some of the things Drew saw when he accompanied Aria backstage
     
    The O2 Arena

    ×  Your previous content has been restored.   Clear edito
     
    The FAB Room

     
    The Wardrobe Doors

     
    The M&M Dispensers

     
    The Room
     

     
    The Secret Room

     
    The Box 
     
    Where they viewed the concert

     
    I hope you enjoyed the peep into Aria and Amara's world and the event described in the Chapter. 
     
    If you'd like to see a video that shows even more
     
     
    1    
  3. Nephylim

    Aria Graice

    By Nephylim,

    Wow it's been a long time since I've been here. I'll try to post something more regularly but if you know me at all you'll know my memory is awful. Nudges always appreciated.
     
    Anyway, I thought it might be fun to give you a bit of a peep behind the scenes of Aria Graice. It actually all started with one of those silly, click bait things that crop up on Facebook. It was about the children of celebrities. I started thinking about it and this name popped into my head. Aria Graice. I started making up all kinds of little stories about Aria - who he was, where he lived, what kind of life he had. It percolated around in my head but wasn't really going anywhere.
     
    I have to mention that in a complete, if rather freaky, coincidence, I have recently discovered there is an LGBT author called Aria Graice. I had no idea before I named my character, and I honestly don't believe I'd heard of them before Aria came to me. Once named, of course, Aria would accept no other.
     
    Then I saw a painting that is actually fan art depicting Yuri and Yurio from Yuri on ice. The artist is Sakimi Chan who is am.az.ing. Here is their facebook page, you should support them https://www.facebook.com/sakimichanart/ . They do amazing work. Anyway, as soon as I laid eyes on him I knew he was my Aria. That's when I started to write the story and wouldn't you know, the little shit cloned himself and suddenly I had twins. This was never going to be a twincest story, and it isn't. In fact there's not much sex in it at all. It's more of an adventure with a lot of angst, some surprising twists and some typically Nephy torture and torment for kicks.
     
    I've tried to bring things up to date a little but at the same time wrote in some real life stuff given Drew comes from my home town. I've tried my hand at overshadowing and tried my best to avoid any Chekov's guns (probably wrong spellings) no doubt my readers will pull me up if I fail. The notice everything.
     
    So Aria was born and duplicated, hence Amara was born, then wouldn't you know a whole load of stuff shifted to Amara and Aria shocked me by becoming something other than he was at the beginning. 
     
    The story took some strange twists and turns. Characters entered I hadn't intended, characters I'd planned faded into the background and Drew surprised me by being a lot deeper that I'd thought.
     
    So there you are. The story was born. I hope you enjoy reading it as much as I did writing it.
     
     

  4. Nephylim
    It's been a long time since I've blogged here. In the meantime, a lot has happened.
     
    I have been somewhat successful in getting published, with 11 books and 7 anthologies I've managed to get myself 'out there' although I'm not selling many books yet.
     
    The publishing journey has been a very interesting one and I've learned a lot, good and bad. One thing I would absolutely advise anyone seeking a publisher is to make sure your contract includes a clause that your rights revert back to you immediately if the publisher ceases to trade. Also make sure it has a clause that you have ultimate control over the editing and cover. I learned the last one the hard way.
     
    The main thing that's become extremely clear is that to be successful in the world of the published author is that you have to have a huge presence on social media. As a complete technophobe and introvert (yes I am, in real life) it was really hard for me, but I now have two blogs, a website, and profiles on lots of social media.
     
    Take a look at my blogs http://nephylim-author.blogspot.co.uk/ http://cherylheadford.blogspot.co.uk/ and my website http://cherylheadford.com/
     
    Being a writer sure takes up a lot of time which means I don't have time to write anything like as much as I did before, which is my biggest regret. It also means I don't get to write as much free fiction as I'd like, although you'll find new, free stuff on my blogs and website.
     
    I've finally started posting here again, but haven't plucked up courage to dip my toe in the chat room yet.
     
    Please comment or contact me if you have any questions or if you just want to chat.
  5. Nephylim
    After almost a year The Face in the Window is due for release shortly. I don't know the date yet but I'll keep you informed,
     
    This is the first book I'm releasing under my own name and it's a little bit nerve wracking. However, I want to stand up and be counted and I want my family and friends to know my work as my work. So, as nerve wracking as it is, it's liberating too.
     
    I've started a new blog Rainbow Warriors. Take a look and see what a Rainbow Warrior is all about. http://cherylheadford.blogspot.co.uk/ This blog will be exclusively for the Young Adult books. Cheryl Headford is the respectable end of the rainbow
     
    If anyone has any suggestions for posts I'd love to hear them.
     
    I love to host other authors, give them a hand in any way I can, so if you like to visit my blog (either one) to do an interview, post, article etc then give me a shout and we'll arrange it.
  6. Nephylim

    Update and Exciting News

    By Nephylim,

    My latest book The Runaway is to be released on the 12th September and I'm uber excited about this one.
     
    Not only does it include my favourite character since Silver, but it's been professionally edited and polished and I am in love with the story. AND it's cover art was done by our very own Marzipan
     
    Come visit my blog nephylim-author.blogspot.com to see more amazing artwork by our resident artist
     
    Here's the official press release. I KNOW!! Press release!! I know it's not actually the real press but still!!! Woooo.
     
    Book Launch: September 12, 2012 “The Runaway” by Nephylim, From Flying With Red Haircrow
     
    Upcoming Event: Chat With Nephylim & Red Haircrow at Love Romances Café on September 6, 2012 http://groups.yahoo....veRomancesCafe/
     
     

    “When all you ever wished for is the last thing you ever wanted....”


    Title: The Runaway
    Author: Nephylim
    Publisher: Flying With Red Haircrow
    Expected Publication: September 12, 2012
    Genre: Contemporary Romance, Gay Interest
    Length: 252 pages
    Cover art and design: Marzipan and Mika Star
    Trailer: Mika Star
    Website: http://nephylim-auth...he-runaway.html

     
    Description: “Ciarrai is running away from a past that’s still breathing down his neck. Jack has no past, his memory wiped in the accident that killed his parents. They meet and their lives move forward like stones skimming the surface of the water, dipping into memories that want to surface and those that want to lie buried forever.
     
    Together, they struggle to come to terms with what happened in the past and where they want to go in the future, but can Jack cope with a man who likes to dress in leather mini-skirts and silk kimonos? Can Ciarrai trust Jack with the secrets of his past; secrets he can’t escape, secrets that are snapping at his heels?
     
    When those secrets catch up, forcing Ciarrai back to the life he’d left, a life that was slowly draining his life away, he and Jack’s love is both threatened and tested by forces from without and within.”
     
     
     
     
     

    About The Author:


     
     
     
    Born into a poor but loving mining family in the United Kingdom, Nephylim grew up in the beautiful and history rich South Wales Valleys, becoming the first in her family to attend university. As a lawyer practicing Family Law for several years, the profession allowed Nephylim to learn more about human nature at its worst and best moments, and develop empathy and a view of life not limited by social standing or background.
     
    Tapping into the heritage of her people that throughout Earth's ages welcomed the wandering bard into the hearts of their villages as keepers of lore, Nephylim trained as a Druid and brings the richness of her Celtic past and spiritual training to enrich and elevate her writing. Since a child Nephylim has been fascinated with other worlds, which exist within and alongside her own and has reveled in creating worlds and characters for others to enjoy.
     
    Despite lack of family support, Nephylim continued writing privately and eventually found the Gay Authors website. With the positive response and a warm welcome received, she found the confidence to pursue her passion to a greater degree. Feeling gay fiction was a woefully neglected corner of the market where readers were all too often presented with what amounted to erotica, Nephylim strives to write quality gay fiction where sex and sexuality is not the central premise. Instead, concentration is given to character and narrative development through storytelling that goes beyond the physical.
     
    Nephylim still resides in Wales, UK, and enjoys writing, reading, art, and taking part in medieval reenactments.
     
     
    Author Links:
     
    http://nephylim-author.blogspot.com/
    http://shadowofthefallen.co.uk
    https://www.facebook...Nephylim.author
     
    Interviews with the author:
     
    By Brandon Shire
    At Rising Up From the Ashes by Phoenix
    By Michael Offut
    Dawn's Reading Nook
     
     
    Other works by the author at Flying With Red Haircrow:
     
    Enigma, Book 1
    Fighting the Man, Enigma Book 2
     
     
     

    About the Press:


     
    Opening its doors on October 31, 2010, Flying With Red Haircrow, is an independent publisher and writer cooperative with a large range of interests and possibilities who entreats everyone to, “Dance above the surface of the world. Let your thoughts lift you into creativity that is not hampered by opinion.” http://theredhairedcrow.wordpress.com/
     
     

    Contact:


     
    If you are interested in a review copy for your website, wish to schedule an interview with the author or wish general information about this release or press, please write Nephylim at chakira@hotmail.co.uk or Red Haircrow theredhairedcrow@gmail.com.
     

    AND IN MORE NEWS


     
    So anyway, apart from that I have two other new releases for sure this year and maybe more, all new stuff
     
    I also have two new stories ready for posting here and have promised myself that I will be more active. How far I'll be able to keep up with that promise I don't know. I haven't had time to read for a long time and with the book promos becoming more like an actual job every day it's hard to juggle everything.
     
    I do miss coming here though so I'm going to try hard to make a real effort to get involved again.
     
    Come an visit me on my blog nephylim-author.blogspot.com. I've been posting flash fiction every Wednesday and you can read one completed story of a thousand words per chapter, Rune and Luke, as well as a new one which is currently being posted, In the Arms of an Angel.
     
    You can also read excerpts from all my published books, although you can read two of them Enigma and Enigma II right here
     
    Oh and if you leave a comment on the post about The Runaway, you can win a copy. YAY. Gods I'm actually beginning to think that winning a copy of my book is a GOOD thing
     
    Watch out for more information of linked ebooks, and other stuff.
  7. Nephylim
    I can't beleive it's been so long since I posted here. Things have just been so crazy. Among other things
     
     
    I've become involved in a Flash Group. Basically this means that every Wednesday I post a 1000 word 'flash fiction' on my blog. At present, this is following two beautiful boys called Rune and Luke. They've gone through the mill but they're getting there Check out the story so far http://nephylim-author.blogspot.co.uk/p/luke-and-rune.html
     
    I've published two new books. One is an old favourite. Enigma II - Fighting the Man, which you read right here on GA you lucky things. If you want to have it all squeaky clean and shiny for your reading device you can check it out and buy it here
    http://nephylim-author.blogspot.co.uk/p/enigma-ii.html
     
    The second book is a new one. It's an anthology of 5, 4000 word stories about paranormal entities... angel, demon, vampire, werewolf, fey and ghost. They are my first foray into true erotica and they are hot hot hot. They are also unlike anything you've ever read before. As you would expect from me nothing is ever as simple as it seems and sex does not exist without a strong story around it even in erotica. http://nephylim-author.blogspot.co.uk/p/hump-in-night.html
     
     
    I've been working hard on my blog and I am very pleased with the results. Come visit, take a look around and if you want to leave a comment/suggestion then by all means do so http://nephylim-author.blogspot.co.uk
     
     
     
    Some of the things you can expect to find are
     
    an interview with our very own Marzipan and a regular showcase of her talent. http://nephylim-author.blogspot.co.uk/2012/05/interview-with-maria.html
     
    An interview with my darling Silver http://nephylim-author.blogspot.co.uk/2012/02/interview-with-silver.html
     
     
    And lots and lots of other things.
     
     
    I have also become very active on twitter. https://twitter.com/#!/SevenPointStar
    Come tweet me
     
     
    Apart from that I'm still a lawyer, still a mother and still a writer. Sadly I don't write anywhere near as much as I would like/need to these days because I'm just too busy Still, life is good... strange and crazy but good.
     
    Take care and have a great day... lots of them
     
    Nephy
  8. Nephylim
    So, a new anthology out today. Looking at the Lads. Seven 3k (ish) stories on the art of voyeurism at its best. All the contributors are well known m/m writers and the stories vary greatly from super hot to super sweet. It's cheap guys so go get it.http://www.allromanceebooks.com/product-wickedwatcherslookingatthelads-762380-144.html
     
    In other news... I am currently in the process of writing my own paranormal anthology for House of Erotica. Five 4k stories about a ghost, a werewolf, a fae, a vampire and a demon. Watch this space for news on that.
     
    I have submitted a number of novels for publication and two of them will be published later this year. These are brand new stories so, again watch this space,. The covers are designed by our own Marzipan so yet another reason to check them out.
     
    I will also be publishing some of the stories already posted (I hope) and will be pulling them. I can't offer free ebooks because the publisher won't let me but, if anyone looks for the story and it isn't there, email me and I'll send you a copy of the original manuscript #
     
    With editing to do and real life always hanging around in the background I've never been so busy so I'm really sorry that I haven't been around to review. Hovever I'm ALWAYS here for anyone who needs me. NEVER be afraid to look me up if you need me I always be here for you and will never be too busy for you
  9. Nephylim

    My Awesome Son

    By Nephylim,

    We now have two published authors in the family. My son's 'flash' has been accepted for publication as the winner of a school competition. The stories had to be 50 words or less
     
     
    THE HANGING
     
    There was a man called Maledos who was accused of many crimes. A wave of fear washed over him as the scarlet-stained, golden rope was fitted around his beck. The lever was pulled, the door opened. He saw darkness then light... saved by a magnificent golden angel.
    "You!"
     
     
    I am a proud proud Mamma
  10. Nephylim

    INTERVIEW WITH SILVER

    By Nephylim,

    So, you all know I've stared myself a blog
     
    nephylim-author.blogspot. com
     
    I have been interviewing fellow authors and today a friend gave me the idea of interviewing characters.
     
    Once the idea was in my head, I found that I got really excited at the thought of interviewing Silver. I would love to get to know him better and the thought of having some further glimpses inside that crazy head of his it uber intrigueing.
     
    BUT... here's the rub.
     
    I am only going to do it, if someone is going to read it. SO... If you guys come up with enough questions, or pledges to read... I'll post the interview.
     
    Go for it
  11. Nephylim

    Yay Published at Last

    By Nephylim,

    So I now have two books published.
     
    I have no idea if I'm allowed to advertise on here or not. No doubt if I'm not the blog will be removed and I apologize to the admin.
     
    The first book I won't go on too much about becuase it is already posted here. ENIGMA but you can get it from All Romance just by clicking on Other books by Nephylim
     
    So, the new one is The Unfairness Of Life.
     
    It's along the lines of my usual stories but a little bit different as it dips its toes into the realm of the supernatural. Only dips its toes mind.
     
    This book is dedicated to three GA members all of whom have helped me SO MUCH with this particular book
     
    Rush
    Renee Stevens
    Marzipan.
     
    Here are the links.
     
    http://www.allromanceebooks.com/product-theunfairnessoflife-668644-145.html
    http://1placeforromance.com/romantic-fiction/the-unfairness-of-life/prod_6606.html
    http://www.bookstrand.com/the-unfairness-of-life
     
     
    If you go to the last one you can read a big chunk of it.
     
     
    OH HELL I am SO excited. This is the best feeling in the whole world.
     
    At the moment it is only in e-book but paperbacks will soon be available from Amazon. GULP I buy SO MANY thinkgs from Amazon and now I have my own book on there. WHAT a delicious shiver.
     
    If you do get UOL you will notice that in the dedication I have made GA primary in my dedication and I meant every word I said. Without GA I would NEVER have got here NEVER have been published and so many of the works I am proud of would never have been published.
     
    SO, whether the blog remains or is taken down. I hope that the admins at least get to know that I have dedicated the book to them and this site.
     
    love you all
     
    Nephy
  12. Nephylim

    Too Many Likes

    By Nephylim,

    Is it me or are there suddenly way too many 'like' buttons. They seem to be jumping out at me from everywhere.
     
    I am a scatty thing and I keep forgetting to click them. It seems as if every time I read an entry or a blog or look at a picture, there are at least two to click and by the time I've fnished reading the chapter or the blog or looking at the picture I've completely forgotten about the like button or the stars and then I feel guilty when I realise, which is usually much later.
     
    So, for every picture I have looked at and not 'liked', evey story/author, I have read and reviewed but not 'liked' and for every blog I haven't clicked then I apologise.
     
    I do like you really... honest
     
    Well.... except whoever killed me in the Mafia game... you I'm out to get
  13. Nephylim
    Okay, so I've just had my first novel published online. Enigma is out today on Smashwords and in the next few days all over the place
     
    So how do I feel?
     
    Excited? Elated? Proud?
     
    Erm... no. I feel sick and scared and slightly guilty. Go figure.
     
    There are so many things to do. I have to 'get it out there' and I am SO scared that I will miss something or do something wrong. God I'm scared. Anyone have any advice. This is my baby, you know, my Silver. I don't want to let him down.
  14. Nephylim

    Wales

    By Nephylim,

    I am still surprised that many people don't know that Wales is a separate country... well a principality of England actually although I'm not supposed to be bitter that we are still under occupation.
     
    SOOOO some pictures
     
    FIRST MY OWN AREA
     
     

     
    Ystrafellte. The last know sighting of fairings. There is supposed to be a cave behind the waterfalls where Arthur and his men are sleeping until needed again by Wales... yeah, where are you guys
     

     
    Just over my mountain where one of the most valuable iron age finds in Wales was made It is now a reservoir
     
    http://www.southwale...os/bwlchmov.jpg

     
    Bwlch mountain. I live on the other side
     

    My home
     
    Then some other places
     

     
    Snowdon

    Caernarvon Castle

  15. Nephylim

    NaNo Update

    By Nephylim,

    So here we are at day 14 and I am delighted with the way the story is coming along. I'm not entirely confident that I will finish the whole story by the end of November but I am very confident that I will win the badge.
    Stats today
    Your Average Per Day
    2,821
    Words Written Today
    2,912
    Target Word Count
    50,000
    Target Average Words Per Day
    1,667
    Total Words Written
    39,496
    Words Remaining
    10,504
    Current Day
    14
    Days Remaining
    17
    At This Rate You Will Finish On
    November 17, 2011
  16. Nephylim

    NaNoWriMo

    By Nephylim,

    So, I have decided to do NaNo again this year. My last effort Death By Dreaming turned out pretty well so let's see with this one.
     
    Thanks to Maria for forcing me to wait for two days before starting even though my head was bursting with ideas, so I started on November 1st like a good girl.
     
    So. I have the whole thing planned out... as much as I ever do, although I doubt that I will be sticking to it; I never do.
     
    The characters are pretty wild this time and there's a lot of action, Some of the character are
     
    Darcy a 1000 year old vampire
    Skye a 'human'? with pink and blue hair he wears in a long thick plait. Darcy thinks he dyes it.
    Raven, a shapeshifter who changes into a... crow (delusions of grandeur)
    Nexus, a shapeshifter who changes into a snake
     
    There is also a squirrel who throws nuts.
     
    Darcy unwittingly gets caught up in a war between two sets of creatures he had no idea even existed and has to fight to bring the rest of the vampire world into a war that they show very little interest in because they are unlikely to get any real benefit out.
     
    Darcy has to mesh together armies of vampires, shapeshifters (weres), fey and assorted rag tags (of exactly the right kind to drive vampires insane with frustration). He also has to hold it together enough to head a daring mission to rescue his captured love... oops, sorry... I meant the person he most certainly doesn't love, before he becomes one of the first casulaties of the war.
     
    So far it is day 9 and I have 23,379 words.
     
    According to the stats, if I write 1400 words a day I will finish on 18th November so I have a bit of leeway there.
     
    So anyway, I see that others are competing and blogging (and yeah, of course I copied your ides about blogging it, Lugh ) but I would like to remind everyone that the only thing we are competing against is ourselves. This is not a competition of who writes the most words or finishes first.
     
    Just as well eh? Coz I know I would win
  17. Nephylim

    Funny Story

    By Nephylim,

    Okay, so I really really don't want to have to explain how i dislocated my shoulder to all the lovely people who have asked.
     
    Howerver, I realise that I am not going to be able to avoid it... SO you can blame this blog on all those horrible people who care enough to beat me over the head with a baseball bat and force me to post this blog.
     
    Warning TMI coming up and it won't be pretty.
     
    Okay.... I am NOT going to come out and say the words and no apologies for that. So here is an euphamism.
     
    I am taking morphing based medication for pain. This had been doing nasty things to my body... well part of it... the part that ends up alongside my mind... in the sewers.
     
    So... we move quickly on to the euphamism.
     
    So I have friends who visit and usually leave on a regular basis without me having to think too much about it. Recently my friends have been tending to outstay their welcome and this week they have been a right pain in the arse.
     
    So this particular friend really didn't want to go and I had to end up pushing him out the door. In order to give me extra leverage I held on to the door frame and... um... dislocated my shoulder.
     
    And yes, I did have to explain this to the doctor and yes, he did laugh.
     
    On the bright side I now have medicine.
  18. Nephylim

    The Right Thing

    By Nephylim,

    I've been having quite a few problems with regard to doing the right thing lately and more often than not they have turned out to be the wrong thing.
     
    The thing I am concerned about today is my job
     
    Being a lawyer you would think i'd be cool headed and analytical... well I am when I'm behind the desk or in the courtroom. I am far better sorting out the lives of strangers then I am with my own and those close to me.
     
    I think it says a lot that I am the most disorganised person EVER and my home is cluttered every surface has SOMETHING on it and even the floor is usuall scattered with toys, cards (like Pokemon and Yugioh), stacks of boxes etc. Everything is very 'untogether' and there is 'stuff' everywhere... paintings, dolls, candles, art, supplies, crystals... yu get the ides.
     
    HOWEVER, in work my desk is totally neat and organised. I get antsy if there is a paperclip on the floor or in the wrong place in the drawer. All my files are neat and rigidly arranged and I HATE it when anyone puts the papers in out of order.
     
    They say that your space reflects your mind and i think that's true. I don't know which way round it works. Is my work desk neater because I am more focussed in work or am I more focussed in work becaue my workspace is neater. Hmm
     
    However, I digress.
     
    No matter how cool headed, calm and controlled in work the absolute opposite is true in my personal life and I get myself into all sorts of scrapes because I am hot headed, impulsive, passionate and tend to rush into things without thinking them through or looking at them clearly at all.
     
    Add to that the fact that I am always striving to do the right thing, usually what's right for someone else rather than me, and that I am far too ready, even eager to accept responsibility that really aren't mine to take and I'm a bloody mess.
     
    So I lost my job. What was the big issue? That I missed having a job... not really it's been great to be at home. That I had to go on state benefits... well that was a pain in the arse but I got there in the end and they've pretty much left me alone in the end. That i would lose my house... so what, I'm trying to sell it anyway and the only difference would be that we wouldn't get to Harry Potter World... also I know I won't starve or be out on the streets because I have too many friends... and have found ebay.
     
    So what was the real issue about not having a job?
     
    Reason One Efan.
     
    He doesn't really care that he can't have what he's used to having and Harry Potter World was never really anything more than a dream
     
    BUT.. I DO CARE.
     
    I don't want to see disappointment on the face of my son. I don't want him to put on more weight because I can't afford all the fruit. I don't want to send him to school in old or bad quality clothes. I don't want him to be worried or upset or deprived of anything. I don't want things to change for him
     
    Reason Two
     
    Lori
     
    Lori is having a hard time making ends meet. She has a new flat a new job and few relationship problem. i have been helping her out financially and the thought that I couldn't is unbearable. I need to be her safety net YES she's an adult and should be able to stand on her own feet but I didn't have a mother I could rely on for anything so I want to be that mother.
     
    Reason Three
     
    My friends.
     
    Most of my friends live a long way away, even my brother and I hate the thought of not being able to see them because I can't afford to travel. YES I know they could come and see me but why would they bother putting themselves out like that for me? They do but why the hell...?
     
    Reason Four
     
    I like to see Efan in nice clothes. Okay so my wardrobe is half a wardrobe and a chest of drawers while his is three chests of drawers, half a wardrobe and half the bed but he's a kid and he needs to look nice.
     
    Reason Five
     
    I am dependable.
     
    When I had a car all of my family depended on me utterly. i was always running around for one or the other. of course I can't do that now but I do other things. I have other kids here as often as I can... cousins, neices and nephews etc... because Efan is so alone all the time and I physically can't play with him and feel guilty as hell that I spend most of my time in front of a computer screen because it's the only thing that takes my mind off the pain. So i get other kids in whenever possible and I shower them with food... this is a Welsh thing I think... hospitality means that as soon as anyone steps over the threshold you have to stuff them full of food... my mother would have died of shame if anyone had come to her house and she didn't have cake or biscuits.
     
    Okay, so the thread, I think, is clear. None of the reasons is about what I want for myself, not really... they're all about other people.
     
    I have it programmed into me that other people and their needs are more important than mine. I have to take care of my family and friends, i have to make sure they're okay, they're taken care of, they're happy and secure...AND YES I KNOW... but if you're hardwired that way it's hard to break out of.
     
    So here I am.
     
    I have a new job and I am starting on Monday.
     
    It is 16 1/2 hours a week which is half hour more than I was working before. The office is 8 miles closer to home, a little over 6 miles away, and I wil be in charge of my own department.
     
    I guess I must be good at what i do because this is the third time in a row i have been called and asked did I want a job with no interview and basically on my terms.
     
    The issue is that I'm not really well enough to work at all. And I don't want to work because I like not being in pain so much and being able to put a hot water bottle on my back when it hurts. I like having time to do things because I need time to do things. My memory is not good and when I'm ill my coping skills are not good either. I get very emotional and every little thing becomes an insurmountable which I usually throw myself at with little thought trying to just make it go away.
     
    I'm between a rock and a hard place
     
    So... The Right Thing.
     
    Is it always best to do The Right Thing or is it sometimes better to do The Best Thing I can for me, even though it means other people get hurt or disappointed, Is doing the best I can, accepting the inevitable screw ups, and disappointment of others, enough; or should I work harder on not making the screw ups in the first place ( even when they're not my fault like the redundancy, which, ridiculously I do feel is somehow my fault), putting them right at all costs and thinking of others and their needs and feelings before my own.
     
    The problem is that I really can't help myself and it's the getting out of that conditioning that eludes me. Also, if I did break the conditioning and become more selfish and self centred (in the good not the bad sense of the words) would I still be me and if not would I still like myself.
     
    MEH
  19. Nephylim
    Well, two weeks on Morphine and what difference has it made... pretty much bugger all.
     
    In fact, if anything, it's made it worse. The problem is that I have two levels of pain... the underlying toochache that is there ALL the time, whether I am sitting lying or walking and that is much better.
     
    The other type of pain is the... being stabbed by sharp knives or burning needles kind of pain. That's the kind I get when i twist or stand up or bend or sit down. If anything that is worse because with the underlying pain gone the early warning system is switched off.
     
    I am, however sleeping all the time which means that I am spending more time unconscious and therefore pain free.
     
     
     
    I have been offered another job. Someone just rang me up today and asked me if I wanted to work for them. One huge positive... MONEY
     
    Two negatives... I've worked for this person before and she is a psychotic bitch AND... my health is going to go downhill again.
     
    MEH Why does my life have to be so complicated? Just when I was getting used to the idea of being unemployed but relatively pain free I now get a choice. *SCREAM IN FRUSTRATION*
     
    On a brighter note I've almost finished a painting of Ariel
  20. Nephylim

    ANOTHER Update

    By Nephylim,

    I'm sure you're all very bored by now with my sudden splurge of blogging but I just wanted to say that i've taken the job. Three days a week 9.30 to 3. I'll always be home for Efan and I wil always have a day off tomorrow.
     
    Still plenty of time for writing and painting but with a cheque at the end of the month.
     
    I am SO excited about telling the Benefits Agency where to stuff their benefits. There is nothing beneficial about them at all.
     
    As for the morphine well, I reckon I am going to throw that into touch. It isn't really working anyway and the side effects mean that the pain is worse since I started taking it than it was before. So... what's next?
     
    I am actually quite excited at the moment even though I am sitting here with a hot water bottle on my back again.
  21. Nephylim
    So, I have been having a lot of trouble with my back and joints again.
     
    I have to admit that since I have not been working it has improved, but it has been a real struggle since I had the really bad episode in February. Usually my acute attacks last a week and then they go away. This time it didn't completely go away at all.
     
    The problem I have is that my discs are crumbling. I have a lot of problems with my back generally since I broke it but the disc thing is the scariest because the discs are gradually drying out and will eventually 'pop' That, in itself isn't a huge problem although it will mean more pain more often. The real stinger is that if they 'pop' in the wrong way it could put pressure on the cord and damage it.
     
    Doctors are arseholes. Initially I was advised to get cortisone injections but, since I researched it I declined and the consultant hasn't seen me since, despite me asking for a new referral once a year.
     
    In the beginning it wasn't such an issue because I wasn't that mobile, but now that the stubborn bitch that I am is pushing the envelope the envelope is pushing back.
     
    Various painkillers later I have got to the stage where I am having to face the fact that I can't do everything. That's why I am hoping to be able to avoid having to find another job. i have all sorts of difficulties.
     
    If you go through your day and think about how many times you bend or twist and maybe you'll see how hard it is when either you can't or it hurts like a bitch.
     
    Soooo.... enough of the whining and feeling sorry for myself. I finally went to my GP and basically said I'm sick and tired of coming here and being sent away because there's nothing more you can do. I am not moving until you do something.
     
    So here I am 5 days into a 7 day morphine patch. The idea is that the patch lasts for 7 days then you change it for a new one so that I have a continual slow relase of morphine.
     
    Wel... it has its ups and downs.
     
    The up side is that the underlying generall constant pain is gone. It doesn't feel as if i am standing on razor blades when I get out of bed and I can actually DO things. I can bend and pick things up.
     
    I have cleaned the bathroom floor, rediscovered the colour of my bath and shower, made room in Efans room, sorted out some things to sell on eBay to pay for the August trip cleaned various kitchen appliances and brushed the whole bottom floor including under the furniture.
     
    On the down side.
     
    Becuase I am not feeling the general pain I have sparked of another severe acute attack and...well... OUCH.
     
    Also... i am sleeping. I mean 15 hours a day. I have that strange feeling of being slightly to the left of myself. I am finding it difficult to get the energy to write but when I do i can't stop.
     
    My brain is misfiring on all sorts of levels and everything is surreal.
     
    Anyway... I'm so drugged up I'm not entirely sure that I'm real let alone talking sense... nothing new there.
     
    The moral of this tale is that, although I'm trying I am not going to be round quite as much as I was and not making as much sense when I do.
  22. Nephylim
    I've come to the conclusion that the universe/great spirit/God/ the Source... hates me.
     
    Yesterday I spend most of the day recovering from a hack attack. I've never been so frustrated in all my life... well until today... more of that later.
     
    My virus protection was removed from my computer and all my accounts, except, apparently my GA account (maybe they're homophobic and that suits me fine right now) have been hacked, the passwords changed and everything has gone to hell. Fortunately I don't bank online.
     
    Sooo I spent the whole day practically, undoing the crap that someone, probably for fun, sent my way... via the universe of course
     
    As for trying to finance living I have discovered a whole new way for the universe to torture me. Not only did I get made redundant but, as a result of that I have been forced to apply for various benefits.
     
    Apparently anyone who applies for benefits is immediately branded a thief who is trying to embezzle the system and thereby commit treason. I keep being told that if I answer any of the questions wrong I will be committing a crime. Well... now i am absolutely terrified because my confusion with anything technical, added to my distress and shame (yeah I know, I know I shouldn;t be but I am so suck it up) and as a coup de gras my memory problems I am bound to get something wrong. Therefore the universe probably already has a cell lined up for me because of course I wil have done it deliberately and be lying through my teeth to try and keep out of said prison cell.
     
    I have actually already got a couple of questions wrong and so I have tried to ring and let them know, give them the right answers and thereby stay out of prison. Today so far I have rung 6 times to be told that they are too busy to take the call and then cut me off. This is after 2 minutes (sadly yes I did time it) of a call which I will be charged for.
     
    After having been treated like a lying, thieving, complete idiot on the phone I am then sent a form that needs a degree to complete... fortunately I have one and have only lost the plot three times and had to scribble out and re answer four or five questions. On top of this I have to find paperwork to prove who I am and every single thing that invades my life... like bank accounts, child benefit, DLA, all the things that no one ever keeps the paperwork for. How the hell am I supposed to know when al these things started, and will I go to prison if I get one wrong. I can't even remember when me and Ian split up... was it 2007, 2006 or 2008.
     
    How can I remember when I first got diagnosed with all the crap that has dogged my life for years when the reason i gave up driving was because I couldn't remember if I was supposed to go through a traffic light when it was red or green and a couple of times forgot what I was supposed to do with the accelerator and break. By the way I am MUCH better now since my Epilepsy diagnosis and meds, but still...
     
    And then there is the the worst bit of all. I have been working right? Right up until the redundancy right? So how is it that I am now trying to claim that I am not well enough to work.
     
    Well... maybe it's the fact that for the last couple of years I have woken every morning and gone through a morning ritual that involved gradually working my way from blinding agony to bearable pain before I walk out the door. Suprisingly I have never had a problem getting out of bed even so because I happened to like my job and being a mother and a real independent and strong person... which is why my wheelchair left the house two years ago.
     
    And then of course there is the fact that quite often I had to force myself to walk to the train, knowing that BECAUSE I was walking to and from the train I wouldn't be able to walk for the rest of the night because by the time I got home my feet would be so swollen that if I didn't put cream on them... which I couldn't do because I couldn't bend that far due to the indescribable pain in my back... the skin would crack. Amazingly whenever I had time off work all that would go away... well the foot thing anyway.
     
    Add to that the fact that I spent the day pushing myself to do things I really can't do and smiling (genuinely) while I did them.
     
    No doubt if I had gone on like this for too much longer I would have done myself permanent harm, which, of course I may already have done, and brought the dreaded four wheeled contraption back into my life but hey... none of that really matters does it? Because I have been doing it it's completely unreasonable to now say that I can't do it any more just when I have conveniently been made redundant and have a conventient excuse to stop and start lying about my ability to do it again.
     
    I give up.
     
    I'm soooo tired of it all, and I'm sick with a horrid snotty bug.
     
    And I am having hints from Ian that perhaps Efan would be better off living with him.
     
    And I am suddenly feeling so f**king isolated and alone because I can't get out of the house because I really really don't want to feel that pain again now that i don't have to.
     
    And okay, I am feeling really really sorry for myself, which I probably won't tomorrow because I'm like that, I bounce back like a f**king rubber ball and I'm sure that when i stop being so snotty and woolly headed the whole world will seem far brighter
     
    But I can't help but wonder what's the next curve ball the universe is going to send me and whether I really have the strength to hit it back.
     
    No worries. No matter how shittly life gets I still have friends, and I still have my cats (oh and I have recently discovered I am allergic to them) and I still have the mountains and the rivers and the flowers, and I still have my writing and, most importantly I still have my kids. Oh great... now i'm giving the universe ideas.
     
    I have great sympathy with Job except that, unlike that unfortunate man I don't worship God, in fact I don't beleive he exists and even if I did I wouldn't want anything to do with someone who tortures an innocent man to win a bet.
     
    So f**k YOU universe and thank you very much!!!!!
  23. Nephylim

    HOME ALONE

    By Nephylim,

    SOOOO
     
    The daughters have moved out. OH GODS but it feels good to have the house to myself. Okay, so it's a bit quiet sometimes especially when, like tonight Ef is with his dad but it is blissful to clean my kitchen, do the dishes, go to bed/work/holiday and have the kitchen clean and dishes washed when I come back.
     
    Never again will I have to see that teetering mound of grease and dried on tomatoe sauce. Never again will I have to wash a plate before i can eat my dinner. Never again will I have to wear a towel around me when I come out of the bathroom (well at least until Ef reaches around 13) never again will I have to queue for the shower, or close the bathroom door, or clean hair out of the plughole that isn't mine, or have strange collonies of living creatures appear in the kitchen attached to a mug that has been lying on a shelf for three months, or have the salt disappear only to reappear six months later, empty, or to smell chocolate that I can't eat or.... Well, at least not until next time... and i am sure there is going to be a next time; if not with the girls then with Ef.
     
    I am sitting here having just got home from holiday, all alone. The house is dark and cold, the television is off. There is no one to talk to, no one chattering in the background. The house is silent and feels empty...
     
    and GODS IS IT GOOD :)
     
    I'm about to cook Tai green curry, with quorn and I am going to eat it with cous cous mixed with garlic and spring onions and garlic and herb croutons on top. Usually if I want to eat something like this I have to cook another meal as well for everyone else. Life is good
     
    Yeah yeah I know... vampire.... garlic.. What can I say? I love the stuff
  24. Nephylim
    There have been times in my life when I have felt lonely. I have thought that I would come to terms with it, that it would get easier. Today I think it's probably worse than ever.
     
    I guess I am feeling sorry for myself. It happens sometimes; more as I'm getting older and more and more of my life passes by outside the window (That's not a physical window... just saying )
     
    I was thinking on the train today... there's about as much chance of me getting to be prime minister as of me finding someone to love me right now.
     
    I know I say to you over and over that you should just be patient and it will come... when you're in you 20's or 30's that't true. When you're approaching 50, it's not so easy.
     
    Add to that the facts that:-
     

    I have black and blue hair I am a vampire I think death is sexy and have strange kinks (even stranger than the whips and chains) I believe that I was... and kind of still am... in love with a fallen angel (Semjaza if anyone's intersted, which I bet no one will be) I'm a lawyer which gives people certain expectations I'm overweight and have a lot of health problems. I'm totally unprepared to compromise on any of the things that make me me for anyone. If there is anyone out there for me they are going to have to take me as I am or not at all So, I was figuring that the chances of finding someone who is preapred to take on all of that AND who I find attractive is about zero, especially in this backwater chav heaven. I have had my house on the market for a while and i hope to move to somewhere with more life but even then....
     
    Meh
     
    I feel like shit but I guess it was good to get it off my chest.
     
    Any offers?
  25. Nephylim

    PIEGATE

    By Nephylim,

    SIGH
     
    One of my requests for Mother's Day was a corned beef pie. My daughter asked what was my favourite meal and that was it.
     
    Now... my daughter has been eating this pie since she was old enough to have liquidised food, My grandmother made it, my mother made it and I make it.
     
    Lori and Sam took control of the kitchen all day for the making of the pie. I questioned why they were putting mushrooms in but was ordred out of the kitchen.
     
    At about 4ish (we were eating at 6) I went out to the kitchen and there was the pie, well at least the filling. It was orange.
     
    Corned beef pie is not orange.
     
    I had been looking forward to that pie for weeks and so I decided that I would make my own. There wasn't much of the ingredients left so I made a small one. I was happy, chopping carrots, playing music... and then Lori and Sam arrived and the world ended
     
    We had tears, we had tantrums, we had storming out of the house... sigh
     
    So we didn't even get around to putting the pastry on because that hit the deck
     
    Sooooo today I decided to make more pie. THe girls knew I was doing it because I asked them to get the ingredients. They were out all day in the pub and the park and I made a HUGE pie. To be honest there was probably enough for at least 6 AT LEAST. I am not that well today as I clleaned the house all day tomorrow (something which they are supposed to be doing) and my back is killing me... but I did it because I wanted to do it and, yes because I wanted Sam to see a PROPER corned beef pie
     
    Well when they came back I asked Lori if she wanted pie and bang... I was told not to even go there because Lori would have a nervous breakdown if we went there again.
     
    Now this is MY house and MY food they have been eating for 8 months and MY Mothers Day they spoiled. Not only that but they have TOTALLY failed to keep up the bargain about lving here in the first place which i thought was very fair. They pay for their keep be keeping house. Given that I am disabled and now having to cope with an extra 2 VERY messy adults in the house I thought that was the least they can do.... yeah right.
     
    So I guess I was feeling pretty pissed at them anyway and maybe I did overreact when I said that they had better grow up and stop being so selfish. And now no one is talking to me
     
     
     
    MEEEEHHHHH
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