The Castaway Hotel - 5 - 1. Chapter 1 - Picking Up The Pieces

During the time I was in the hospital, I was kept sedated. The doctors felt it was best to keep me drugged and oblivious to my condition, so my body would have time to recover and heal, without me having to also deal with the harsh reality that I had just lost a son. Therefore, I don’t know much about what actually took place during that time, but what I am aware of now are the things the others told me later. I suppose it would be helpful if I recapped those events for you, to give you a chance to discover what took place after I was admitted into the hospital following my heart attack.

I understand the scene at the cemetery was extremely hectic and unsettling. I was told the boys feared the worst, especially after being apprised of Graham’s prediction about Brent and myself. The adults did all they could do to keep the boys from becoming completely hysterical, especially after they saw me taken away in the ambulance, by explaining that I had just succumbed to the pressure of everything I had just been forced to deal with. However, they were also quick to add that they suspected I would pull through it and be fine.

Although this was a very troubled and unsettling time, there were some positive aspects resulting from the situation. One of the most impressive things was the level of maturity some of the boys displayed and how they shone through to help the others. Danny, for instance, took charge of his brothers, right after I was stricken, and was the first to conceive of a way to get them to calm down, while providing them with a sense of hope. He did this by suggesting they all kneel and pray, right there in the cemetery, so they could ask God to help me pull through and give them the strength to help each other deal with this dark period of their lives. The boys followed his lead, and that seemed to be the key to getting most of them back in control of their emotions and fears.

Even Graham tried to comfort his brothers, by explaining to them that the shadows he had seen around me had never been that dark, which he interpreted to mean that I’d be in the hospital for a while, but I would survive. This also proved to be the most reassuring bit of information for many of them, since they had now become painfully aware of the accuracy of Graham’s vision. Gradually, they began to let go of their fears about my chances of survival, but there was one glaring exception to this.

Due to his unique relationship to both Brent and myself, Kevin was in the worst shape of all of my sons and was unable to cope with the enormity of everything that had transpired over the past few days. Not only had he just lost his latest boyfriend and soul mate, but he was now concerned he might also lose his father as well. The emotional pain and uncertainty he was dealing with completely overwhelmed him and caused him to fall to pieces, figuratively speaking.

You see, Kevin was already on the brink of hysteria after learning about Brent’s demise, but his condition reached the critical breaking point when he witnessed my collapse, right after the gravesite service. As soon as he saw me slumping to the ground, he began screaming and sobbing uncontrollably, and none of the others were able to give him a sense of solace or reassurance. This latest happenstance merely caused him to continue to question why all of these bad things kept happening to him and those closest to him, so it only bolstered his suspicions that this collection of unfortunate circumstances had something to do with him personally. He was now totally convinced that he was the bad luck charm that kept rubbing off on everyone else.

The adults tried to persuade him this wasn’t the case and attempted to use logic to calm him down and dissuade his fears. They explained what happened to Brent had merely been the result of a very unfortunate and untimely accident and what happened to me was due to the fact I had internalized Brent’s death, like Kevin was doing, and put undue stress and strain on my organs. They tried to explain to Kevin that something similar might also happen to him, if he didn’t quit blaming himself and thinking all the bad things that had happened had a direct connection to him. They weren’t sure how much, if any, of this he actually understood and accepted, but they felt it had to be said and hoped it would eventually sink in.

Seeing how devastated Kevin was, Danny and Brandon took special interest in him, but they were also wise enough to solicit help from Dustin and Nick in the process. The four of them tried to reassure Kevin he was not alone and they would continue as a family, no matter what else happened. It was also Danny and Brandon who convinced their brothers that Uncle Jake would be true to his word and stay with them, so they would be able to remain together, regardless of what else transpired. They also spread the word among the boys that Uncle Jake would not even leave when I returned home, because they were convinced there was an even stronger bond growing between us – one which would kept him close by my side.

It was also that pair who took over the leadership role at home and made certain things kept running smoothly. They stayed on top of things, as I would have done had I been there, and helped Jake look after everyone else. It was also Danny and Brandon who helped convince Dustin and Frankie not to wallow in their grief and delay moving on with their own future. Both boys had been tempted to put off going away to college while I was in the hospital, at least until Danny explained that I would have insisted they not alter their plans, if something similar had happened to anyone else. That duo also took the time to help Dustin and Frankie pack their things and went over their college information packets with them, to make sure they had remembered everything they needed to take with them. They even reassured their older brothers they’d keep in constant contact with them, to let them know how I was doing and what was happening back at home.

Along with everything else, Danny and Brandon also took it upon themselves to see that all of the athletes got signed up for their fall sports and didn’t allow them to sit the season out, just because I was out of action. As if that weren’t enough, they also helped to organize meals and did many of the other mundane tasks to run the household that I usually took care of. Jake told me later that he was totally in awe of how that pair had managed to stay in control and keep their wits about them, no matter how unsettled things became or how worried they were about me personally. He admitted that he wouldn’t have been able to accomplish what they had and was very grateful they had been around.

Danny and Brandon were also the ones who helped console Graham, who still blamed himself for allowing all of this to happen. Graham still clung to his belief that he could have prevented this from happening by being more assertive in convincing me Brent shouldn’t be allowed to go on that trip. Graham not only blamed himself for Brent’s death, but also felt my heart attack was just another result of his ineffectiveness. He concluded both incidents were part of the same failure on his part and it was very difficult for him to let go of that belief.

Danny and Brandon spent quite a bit of time reasoning with him, using many of the same arguments I might have. They told Graham that if things hadn’t occurred the way they did, then it was very likely something similar would have happened instead and we’d still be where we were now. After discussing this on several different occasions, they finally got Graham to concede this point and accept the fact that what had happened was inevitable and couldn’t have been stopped. They assured him the only reason he felt responsible was the insight he had that the rest of them lacked, but that didn’t guarantee he could alter the future. After many lengthy discussions, Graham finally accepted the logic that he was merely the harbinger of the bad news, not the author of the tragedy, so he eventually quit blaming himself for everything that had happened.

Danny and Brandon were also the ones to whom Graham went to after something unsettling happened to him, something he wasn’t sure he’d be able to tell anyone else about. After thinking it over and debating his options, he finally went to his new ‘father figures’ and asked for their guidance. After debating this internally for more than a day, he concluded that they were the only ones, beside myself, that he’d feel comfortable discussing this with.

“Danny, Brandon… uh… I need to talk to you alone… about something I saw,” he announced to them one morning. The pair recognized the extreme concern on Graham’s face and took him to their room where they could handle his concerns in private. Once they were alone, Graham told them what was bothering him. “I’m not sure if you’re going to believe me or not, but I saw Brent when I woke up this morning and he spoke to me.”

“You saw WHO?” Danny asked, not sure he heard Graham correctly.

“I saw Brent,” Graham repeated, but he now looked a little concerned. “I was just opening my eyes, after having a dream about Dad, and I saw someone. I thought one of you guys had come in to check on me, but then I realized it was Brent standing there. I thought I was still dreaming, so I blinked a couple of times, but he didn’t disappear. After that, I closed my eyes tight and even pinched myself, to make sure I was awake, but he was still there when I opened my eyes again. After I stared at him for quite some time, he let me know what he was doing here.” Graham hesitated briefly, trying to decide how he could best explain this, and once he thought he knew what he wanted to say, he continued.

“Brent didn’t speak to me directly, like I’m talking to you. Instead, he showed me things and I was able to understand what he meant by looking at them. First, he showed me the wrecked SUV and let me know that he didn’t blame anyone for what had happened, that it was just an accident that no one could have stopped. Then he let me know he was doing okay, but he’s worried about the rest of us, especially Kevin and Dad. He wants me to let both of them know he’s okay, he still loves Kevin and he thanks Dad for letting him go on the trip, even if it was the last one he’d ever take. He also let me know that he wants me to whisper this message in Dad’s ear… while he’s in the hospital, so maybe it will help him get better faster.”

“But how can this be possible?” Danny wondered aloud, still confused. “It’s not that I think you’re lying,” he quickly added, so Graham didn’t feel Danny doubted what he was saying, “but I don’t understand how a dead person can tell you all of this.”

“I’m not sure either, but that’s what he did,” Graham told him. “Nothing like this has ever happened to me before, I mean getting messages from someone who has died, but Brent kind of let me know I’ll be seeing him a lot from now on. He let me know he’s going to be my spirit guide, so I can pass messages along from the other side.” Graham was very serious about this and did everything he could to make certain both boys knew this wasn’t some sort of a joke, and even confirmed that Brent was the one who convinced him to tell Danny and Brandon, so he could find a way to tell me before I got home.

“So this is the first time you’ve seen Brent?” Danny pressed.

“No. I’ve been seeing him at different times ever since we found out what happened to him,” Graham confirmed. “At first I didn’t want to accept the fact it was happening or believe I was able to see him, but Brent kept becoming more and more insistent in letting me know I HAVE to do this for him.”

“But how does he let you know these things, if he doesn’t speak to you directly?” Brandon inquired.

“He shows me things,” Graham explained, “or somehow gives me the impression of what he wants me to know.”

“Dang, this is really spooky!” Brandon exclaimed.

“I know,” Graham agreed. “I was scared to admit this to anyone at first, or even believe it myself, but Brent convinced me that he’s not going to let me ignore him.”

“But why you?” Brandon asked him.

“Think about it, Brand,” Danny told him, “who else would he come to. Graham’s always had these special abilities none of the rest of us have or really understand, so who better to communicate with than the one who warned this would happen.”

“Yeah, I guess you’re right there, but damn, it’s still spooky,” Brandon concluded.

“Tell me about it,” Graham stated, with his eyes bugging out. “How would you like to be the one who your dead brother decided to communicate with? I mean, Brent and I weren’t even that close when he was here. It’s not that I didn’t like him, but he was closer to some of you than he was with me.”

“Yeah, but you’re the only one with this gift,” Danny told him. “No one else has the ability to see and understand things like you do.”

“You think it’s a gift?” Graham nearly shouted. “I wish I could give it to someone else. Maybe you think it’s a gift, but to me it’s a curse. It’s just so scary and hard to accept that I can tell what’s going to happen to people and now I’m seeing people who have died.”

“I know, but God wouldn’t have given you this ability, if he wasn’t positive you could deal with it,” Danny added.

“Now you’re beginning to sound like Dad,” Graham responded, but then grinned at him.

“Thanks,” Danny stated, sporting a huge smile of his own. “That’s the best compliment you could have ever given me.”

Graham asked the duo not to tell anyone else about the extent of his ‘gift’ or disclose the additional details of what he had just told them. After asking their advice as to whether he should do what Brent had requested, about whispering Brent’s message to me, he also enlisted their help to get into my hospital room alone. They agreed to assist him and together set about making a plan to accomplish this. They thought it best to do it in total secrecy, without having to explain to the others what they were up to, which included Jake. Carefully, they devised their plan and determined they would set it into motion the next time they visited me. Now that everything was agreed upon, they just had to wait for their opportunity, but they didn’t have to wait for very long.

Later that afternoon, Jake told the boys he would take anyone who wanted to visit me with him later that evening and everyone wanted to go. Jake had only allowed the boys to come see me every few days, because he felt my knowing they were there might make me overly emotional and hinder my recuperation. However, after observing the boys and watching me on their last visit, he felt all of us would benefit by seeing each other briefly. He did forewarn them I was still being sedated, and depending on when I’d had my last dose of medication, I might not even know they were there. However, he quickly learned that didn’t make a difference to my sons, since they all still wanted to go anyway.

When they got to the hospital, Danny and Brandon announced they thought all of them should go to the chapel to say a prayer for me first, and then go up to my room in small groups, so they didn’t overwhelm me. They knew the nurses would also limit the number in at one time, but this way the rest of them could remain in the chapel while the others went to see Dad. After thinking about it, everyone agreed that both suggestions were appropriate and a wise precautions to take, so they went along with them. Danny and Brandon immediately teamed up with Graham, so they would be the only ones in the room when Graham passed along his message.

Jake wanted to be in the room with each group, which presented a slight problem, so Danny, Brandon hung back and let everyone else go before them, to give them time to come up with a diversionary plan. By the time it was their turn to visit, they had an idea worked out in their heads. After spending several minutes in the room with me, Danny asked Jake if he could speak with him privately in the hallway and Jake did as he requested. While Danny was talking to Jake, making suggestions for future visits and ways to relax me so I’d recover more quickly, Graham was making his move to tell me about seeing Brent.

Graham walked up beside my bed, but stopped short and merely looked at me for quite a few seconds, before he moved closer. By the time he bent over to whisper in my ear, there was a tear running down his cheek. “Hi, Dad. It’s Graham,” he told me. “I just came to tell you that I’ve seen Brent and he wants me to let you know he doesn’t blame anyone for what happened and he’s okay. I know, I know. You probably don’t understand how this can be any more than I did at first, but Brent has shown himself to me. He’s let me know he will be my spirit guide from now on and he’ll be passing messages to me from the other side, so I can give them to the people they’re intended for. I tried to tell him I didn’t want to do this, but he insisted I had to, because there’s no one else who can do it. So you’re the first one to receive one of these messages.” He hesitated slightly and licked his lips, which were quite dry because of how nervous he was, but then he continued.

“Brent told me to tell you that you’re going to get better, because you have to keep the family going. He said to let you know that you will still have some other problems because of your heart attack, but they won’t be anything too bad. The best part is that you’re going to live and you’ll be back home soon. He also says you’ll have to give up some of the things you do for the family and let some of the others do them instead, at least for a while, but Jake and some of the older boys will help you do this. In fact, they’re kind of doing it now, so things will be okay.” Graham paused again, but this time to control his emotions before delivery the next piece of information.

“Brent also wanted me to let you know that he loves you and thanks you for all you did for him, including letting him go on that trip. He wanted you to know he had a great time, even considering what happened on the way home, but he doesn’t blame anyone for that. He also wants you to know he enjoyed being part of our family and thought it was the best time of his whole life. He let me know that it was you and Kevin who finally taught him what love was all about and how good it felt to be loved. He’s going to be keeping in contact in the future too, through me of course, because he feels bound to you because of the love you showed him. He wants you to know he’ll try to help you take care of the rest of the family, even though he isn’t here to do it in person, so he’ll use me to tell you if there’s something you should be made aware of.”

At that moment, Graham got Brandon’s attention and pointed at my face, to show him the tear that had just been release from the corner of my left eye and was rolling down my cheek. By seeing that sign, he knew I had heard and understood Brent’s message.

After composing himself again, Graham gently used his shirt to wipe the tear from my face, so he wouldn’t have to explain it to anyone else who might happen to see it. Then he sat in the chair next to my bed and waited for Jake and Danny to renter the room.

When the Danny and Jake came back inside, no one was any the wiser as to what had happened. As soon as they could, Graham filled Danny in about what had happened while he was distracting Jake, but then he told both boys he had one more thing to do and this was going to be even harder. Brent wanted Graham to also talk to Kevin for him. Neither Danny nor Brandon envied him that task, but told him to be tactful, since Kevin was still vulnerable. Graham said he would do his best and they left it at that.

Once they were back home and everything had quieted down, Graham went to Kevin’s room alone. He knocked on the door and Kevin told him to come in, but Graham admitted Kevin was surprised to see who was entering. However, Kevin patiently listened as Graham told his story about how Brent had come to him and about the messages he’d been asked to pass along, including how he had already given me Brent’s message. After an initial bout of shock and struggling with this revelation, Kevin finally spoke.

“I knew he’d find a way to contact me,” he told Graham, his face glowing. “So what did he want you to tell me?”

“He wanted me to let you know he still loves you and always will, but he especially wanted me to tell you your last time together was the most special of all.” Kevin blushed at this comment, not knowing if Graham had been told this was because they had made love before Brent went on that trip, but it didn’t matter now. It only mattered that Brent still cared.

Graham had seen Kevin’s attention drift, as he wondered about how much Graham knew about that last time, so Graham paused before he continued. Once Kevin was looking at him again, he knew he could finish what he had to say. “Brent also wanted me to tell you that nothing could have been done to prevent what happened to him, but he didn’t suffer and he’s doing fine where he is. He also wants me to let you know that he wants you to find someone to take his place, so you can be happy again. He doesn’t want you to take this wrong though. He insists he will be waiting for you when your time comes to join him, but he doesn’t want you to remain alone until then.”

“He really said that? He really wants me to find someone else?” Kevin repeated, astonished.

“Kevin, he loves you very much and he wants you to be happy,” Graham assured him. “If he can’t be here to make you happy, then he wants you to find someone who can. He doesn’t want you to be alone or lonely until it’s time for you to join him. He’ll accept whomever you’re with and then you can all be together when the time comes, and love each other equally.”

“He was always so special and so thoughtful,” Kevin gushed. “Can you tell him I’ll always love him too?”

“I don’t have to,” Graham said, with a slight grin on his lips, “because he’s always with you and says he’ll watch over you until you’re back at his side.”

“He will? He said that?” Kevin gasped. He was really pleased by the news, until some other implications about what that meant also began to sink in. “Does that mean he’ll be with me if I find someone new and make love to him?” Kevin wondered aloud, looking more than a little apprehensive.

“No, Brent said he’d give you your privacy at those times,” Graham confirmed, “but he’ll be beside you at all other times, except for those.” Kevin suddenly looked relieved and was in better spirits than he had been since we had learned about Brent’s death. Maybe now he’d be able to make peace with what has happened and be able to go on and start over once again.