The Castaway Hotel - 5 - 3. Chapter 3 - Changes

I’d been home about a week before the boys allowed anyone outside of the family to visit. It was quite obvious to everyone that my sons were being very protective of me and their primary objective was to make sure I didn’t get overexcited or exert myself in any way. It was nice to know they cared so much, but at times their restrictions would frustrate me and cause me to become bored. Their endeavor to keep me from having a relapse also prevented me from do nearly anything I wanted to do, like helping to fix the meals, pay the bills or other little tasks I felt wouldn’t do me any harm. However, they seemed to feel such activities might add to my stress level or cause me to move about too much, so they did their best to keep me from getting involved in those activities. To tell you the truth, I was becoming more stressed by not being allowed to do anything.

After expressing my displeasure about my total isolation and lack of stimulation, the boys finally let me take a call from my superintendent. After inquiring as to how I was feeling, he asked if I’d mind if he came over to see me, so I told him to come ahead. I was ecstatic that I was finally going to have someone new to talk to and I assumed he wanted to see for himself how I was healing and find out when I’d be coming back to work. When he arrived we exchanged pleasantries, talked about my condition and prognosis, but then he caught me completely off guard with his next comment.

“Josh, I hope you don’t think me presumptuous or mind what I’m about to say, but I’ve been doing some leg work on your behalf. I’ve talked to both the school board and the retirement system to get them to authorize a full early retirement plan for you, based on your medical history. Everything is set and all you’ll have to do is sign some paperwork.”

I sat silent for a few moments, somewhat shocked by what I had just heard. I was trying to choose the words for my response carefully, because I didn’t want to insult my boss, as I knew he thought he was doing me a favor.

“I appreciate the thought,” I responded, after finally regaining my composure, “but I don’t want to retire. I have absolutely no desire to sit around the house, trying to find mundane tasks to entertain myself and just grow older without any meaning left in my existence. Regardless of what just happened to me, I still plan on working at least a few more years. When most of my boys are out of school and on their own, I my rethink my decision, but until then, I’m not ready for the rocking chair.”

“Why, Josh? You certainly don’t need the money or the aggravation,” the superintendent persisted, “so why wouldn’t you be thankful for such an opportunity? You have to put the best interests of your boys first, not that you haven’t been doing that all along, but you need to consider that now, even more so. They are the ones who really need you and the ones I did this for. What would happen to them if you weren’t around? I’m just trying to make sure that doesn’t happen and you will be here to take care of them while they still depend on you. Besides, knowing you like I do, I have a feeling you’ll be taking in even more boys as the older ones leave, so you’d end up continuing to work until you were in your 80’s or 90’s, if that were allowed and you lived that long.” He watched my reaction after he made his comment, because he knew he’d made a valid point and I’d be forced to admit it too.

“Well, I do appreciate what you’re trying to do for me,” I added, “but I think I’d feel useless if I were to retire and just sit around home all day long, especially while the boys are in class. I think it would better for all of us if I continued working for at least a while longer.”

“Useless?” the superintendent shot back. “How in the world would you ever find the time to feel useless, when you have so many sons depending on you? Look, Josh, you’re a bright and compassionate person, but it’s time for you to focus on what’s most important to you, and that should be your family. I’m not saying you wouldn’t be missed if you retired, or that the students at your school won’t lose a little something without you being there, but I’d rather see them temporarily deprived, rather than have your boys lose you permanently.”

I was beginning to consider his words and I think he noticed that as well, so he tried to exert even more pressure to push me in that direction. “Josh, after being shot and now having also had a heart attack, I seriously think you’d be wise to take the early out. If you won’t do it for your own sake, then do it for the sake of your sons. I won’t ask you to make a final decision now, but I suggest you talk it over with the boys and whomever else you feel might be able to help you make the right choice. Don’t drag this out and get back to me sometime in the next few days. Josh, I’m only pushing this for your benefit, not for mine. Selfishly I’d like to keep you around forever, but I’m not sure what would happen to those wonderful sons of yours, if something more devastating were to happen to you.”

I thanked him for coming over, but also wondered about his sincerity. I knew there was a small, but vocal, group in the community that hadn’t been exactly pleased with some of the decisions he had made recently and were talking about forcing him out. I think he was also aware I have a great deal of support from parents whose children had attended my school, so he might have been worried that I might be the most real threat to his survival.

Even with those doubts, I spent the next few hours considering his arguments, before I called Sally Swathout. I knew she had a very level head and could see all sides of most issues, so I wanted to get her opinion before I made a decision. Besides, she was one person I also trusted to be honest with me and think in terms of my best interests, as well as those of my sons.

After spending over an hour discussing this with her, I called Steve Shay, to also get his take on this situation. He was another trusted friend and I valued his judgment as well. I spoke with Steve for over an hour as well, and thanked him for his input, but I still wasn’t convinced if this would be the right decision for me. Still uncertain about what to do, I decided to call a family meeting, so I could talk this over with the boys and Jake. I felt they had the greatest stake in any decision I made on this matter, so I wanted their input.

Jake and I had already talked this over privately for a few minutes, before the boys got home, so I had a fair idea about how he felt. However, I still needed to hear from my sons. At first, they were just curious about why I had called them together like this, and then after I filled them in about the superintendent’s offer, it looked as if they were as confused as I was about to what to think of his suggestion. We discussed the various arguments, both pro and con, but eventually they explained they felt it might be best if I quit working and spent the time taking care of myself and getting better.

Although everyone had something to say on this matter, I think it was Andrew’s comments that eventually persuaded me to make the most of this opportunity. “Daddy, I turn eleven in two more weeks, but I still need you to be here with me. I already lost one mommy and daddy, and I don’t want to lose you too. If quitting your job will keep you with us longer, then I think you should stop being a principal and just stay home with us.”

After seeing the concentration on his face and hearing his heartfelt argument, I immediately reached my arms out to him, so he would come over to me. As soon as he made his way across the room, I hugged him as hard as I dared. “Andrew, that’s the best reason I’ve heard so far. If you want me to retire and stay home with you, then that’s exactly what I’ll do.”

As soon as I finished telling him that, Andrew squeezed me again, quickly followed by the rest of my sons. Before our little meeting broke up, I promised them I’d call the superintendent in the morning and tell him about my decision.

I spent much of the night considering how I was going to occupy my time if I quit working and even talked it over in more depth with Jake, before we went to bed. In fact, he was the one who gave me a great suggestion about how I could fill in the gap. First, he proposed I could take a slightly more active role in the Castaway Fund while the boys were in school, but that I’d also have more time to spend with them on an individual basis when they were home. If I didn’t feel that was enough to occupy me, he also hinted I might consider doing some volunteer work or maybe some type of counseling, possibly family counseling, to help couples cope with the troubles they were facing with each other or with their children. I agreed with him that those were both excellent ideas and I would explore them further in I needed to, but for now I’d just roll with the punches and see how things went.

I had my first opportunity to explore how to use some of this new free time while planning for Andrew’s birthday party. I was able to sit down with him and discuss exactly what he wanted in more depth this year. I was able to learn precisely whom he wished to invite, what types of things he wanted to do and what presents he wanted. What really shocked me was one other thing he brought up at the time.

“Daddy, you know I’m growing up now and I’m not a little boy any more,” he told me. I wasn’t exactly surprised by his comment, because it happened sooner or later with all of the kids.

“I know, Andrew. You’re becoming quite a young man now,” I agreed

“Does that mean you think I’m old enough to start doing things with the other boys now?” he asked, totally blindsiding me. I wasn’t even aware that he knew what the other boys had been up to.

Although I was a bit startled by his comment, I had a feeling I knew where this discussion was heading, but decided to play it dumb for the time being, just to see what he had to say. “I’m not sure what you mean, Andrew. You do all kinds of things with your brothers already.”

“But I don’t mean those kinds of things,” he responded, slightly frustrated. “You know, I mean the other stuff, the grown-up things they do with each other.”

“Hmmm, Andrew. I still don’t think I know what you mean,” I replied, but I wasn’t sure he was buying my ‘blond’ routine.

“Daaaaad,” he whined, after becoming somewhat frustrated with my game. “You know, the sex stuff! I’m not a baby anymore and I know what the other boys do sometimes. I’ve heard some of my friends talking about things like that at school and, well, I’ve even heard my brothers talking about doing things like that with each other. I’m old enough now to do it too. Okay? Pleeeeeeease?” If you could have seen the pleading expression on his face and the hopeful glint in his eyes, you would have understood how hard it was going to be to keep him a child any longer.

“I know you’re growing up, Andrew,” I assured him, “and now I also know what you’re getting at, but are you sure you’re really ready for something like that? I mean, do you remember what happened to you in Texas?”

“Yes, Daddy, I remember,” he answered, with a touch of boyish sarcasm in his tone, “but this is different. I won’t be made to do it with some old guy and this time it would be my idea, not his. I wouldn’t mind trying something with Graham or Nick, or even Sammy, if you’ll let me. I’ve asked Sammy to do things with me before, but he said he couldn’t, unless you told him it was all right. Is that true?”

“Yes, I have had kind of an agreement with all of the boys that they’d check with me first, before they brought anyone new into doing those types of activities,” I confessed, “but I only did it so that none of you would get hurt by being forced into doing something too soon. Are you really sure you’re ready to try this now? You know, I made Sammy wait until he was thirteen before I allowed him to get started in those types of activities.”

“I know, he told me that too,” Andrew concurred, “and he told me you’d probably make me wait until I’m that old too, like you did him.”

“Well, I think I’d feel better about it if you did,” I threw out, hoping that he would accept that suggestion and let the topic drop for now. “Would you have a problem doing that?”

“Yes!” he nearly shouted. “I don’t want to wait any more. I want to start doing things now.”

“Well, it’s obvious you’ve given this some thought before you came to see me,” I acknowledged, “but you’re still just turning eleven, not thirteen.”

“I know, but I’ve thought about this a lot lately,” he explained, “and I’d really like to try something with someone else. I’ve thought about asking some of my school friends to do it with me, but I think I’d rather try it with someone here first – somebody who knows what they’re doing.”

“Well, you would learn better that way and you wouldn’t get so much misinformation,” I agreed. “Do you think your body has developed enough to really enjoy the types of things you’d be doing with them?” Andrew looked pensive for a few seconds, but then answered my question.

“Yes, I do,” he confirmed. “I rub my wiener all the time when I’m alone and it really feels good, but I’ve heard my friends say it feels even better when someone else does it for you.”

“And they are experienced with such things?” I pressed, finding it difficult to believe that a bunch of immature sixth graders would be so worldly.

“Well, not so much themselves,” Andrew admitted, “but they’ve heard their older brothers and their brothers’ friends say things like that. I know it’s not quite the same, because they meant that it felt better when a girl did it for them.”

“And what do you think about girls now?” I asked, hoping this might distract him.

“I like some of them, but not a lot,” he told me, “but I don’t think I’d ever let a girl touch my thing like that.” His comment brought a smile to my face, as I realized Andrew was trying to grow up, but he was still a little boy in many ways.

“So you don’t think you need to try it with a girl then?” I continued, hoping the mention of girls might end his persistence.

“Not at all,” he nearly spat out, “but I’m sure it would work pretty much the same with another boy. So can I try it with Sammy or one of the others? Pleeeeeese?”

“Well, what if I let you try something with one of the boys for your birthday,” I suggested, “and then we can talk about it afterward, to see where we go from there?”

“You mean you’re really going to let me do it then?” he asked, making me think that he had been ready to accept my turning him down and might have given in too easily.

“Well, at least once, so you can see if it’s something you might want to do again,” I confirmed. “It doesn’t mean that you’ll be able to do it all of the time, unless I agree to it after we discuss what you thought of your first time. Does that meet with your approval?”

“Oh, yeah!” he squealed in delight. “It sure does. Thanks, Daddy.” He immediately wrapped his arms around my waist and gave me a hug of appreciation.

“You’re welcome, although I’m still not convinced I’m doing the right thing by letting you get involved in such things,” I told him, before moving on to the next point. “So, have you decided whom you want to be your first partner?” I expected him to hesitate and maybe think it over first, but he hardly paused at all. Before I was ready, Andrew had screamed out a name, and it wasn’t that of his biological brother.

“Graham. I want Graham to do something with me,” he blurted out, eagerly.

“And why did you choose him?” I asked, trying to gain a better insight into the workings of his mind.

“Because he’s not that much older than me, but he’s like me too,” he confirmed, meaning Graham was also uncircumcised.

“But don’t you think this will cause a problem with Sammy, if you do something with someone other than him for your first time?” I asked.

“Maybe a little,” he agreed, “but I’ve done most other things with Sammy first, so this time I want to try it with someone different.”

“It’s all right with me, but I hope you know what you’re doing,” I urged. “Sammy might get very hurt by this.”

“Nah, I’ll do it with him afterward,” Andrew suggested. “He’ll be okay, as long as we do something too.”

“Okay, if you’re sure I’ll talk it over with Graham, to see if he’s interested,” I told him, “and then I’ll let you know. Is that okay with you?”

“Oh, yes, Daddy. I’m glad you’re going to ask him,” he squealed, “because I wouldn’t know how to do it or what to say to him.”

“You want to do this, but you wouldn’t know how to ask someone to help?” I rephrased, trying to get him to think about it a bit more. Maybe he wasn’t as ready to try this as he thought.

“Well, I don’t think you just go up to someone and say, ‘Do you want to play with my wiener?’ do you?” he asked, while grinning broadly. We both had a little chuckle over his observation and I agreed with him that particular approach would be kind of blunt and would possibly put the other boy in an awkward position.

Before I left, though, Andrew made me promise I’d ask Graham as soon as I could and then let him know if Graham was willing to help him, so I gave him my word that I would. My response seemed to make him very happy and he kissed me on the cheek to show his gratitude.

What Andrew didn’t know was this – the reason I had suggested asking Graham for him, was so I could speak to Graham and tell him what I thought should or should not be attempted, if he agreed to do this for Andrew. After dinner I called Graham aside, so I could explain the situation to him.