It Started With Brian - 35. Postscript

It was a beautiful story and that was a very touching Postscript. Thank you for sharing. blessings to you and your son

I'm doing this all backwards. I just read the postcript, not the story and I just wanna say that this is most likely to be the only story I won't be reviewing. Not because I won't be liking it - something says I'm gonna love it and cherish it - but because of respect to your and Sam's life. As this is a true story will read it with love and care.

I wish the best for you. This is a wonderful way to keep Sam's memory alive.

I just read this story from the beginning to the end.

I don’t know what to say. It was…it was…..

I cannot even express what I felt while I was reading it.

I just would like to say thank you for sharing it with us.

Sam's memory will stay alive through this story and it will inspire us for a long time. Thank you.

i am grateful to read this story and honored that it is really based on real people. i am saddened by the fact that they did not grow old together... (and why did Dan has to die with cancer of all diseases, it is just so painful...hayst ) i just wished that the years that they lived as couples made brian really really happy to eventually kept on living and not as a half-dead zombie... Brian, have faith. There is an afterlife afterall. i am sure a love that strong will never be gone. And tell Chris i say hi. i hope he grows up happy and proud of his daddy.

indeed a very heart-warming beautiful story..

All of us have dark past to keep and in the latter to face..

it so happen that this wonderful story finally struck me straight to my heart. It made me a better person. One that should never be scared to admit the LOVE i have from other be it for my family, friends or special someone.

Thank you so much for putting this story online. You don't know how much it helps me a lot...this is one of the best story i read in this site

have a blessed life john and to your son.

I read this story while it was still being updated... but I couldn't help but to come back. When I first read this, I thought it was an amazing thrilling and traveling story. I had no idea it was real and I felt so badly for the main character, I didn't know how to feel. I almost felt like I was being a sadist for continuing... since I'm an extremely emotional person, this story made me cry so much. There were so many different emotions I felt reading this that I never felt for anything else. When I found out that the author had passed, I literally cried. I had no idea it was based on his actual life and I felt so badly because I wanted him to always be happy. He seemed like such a nice person who wanted to be happy but others where making it too hard for him. I'm sure he was happy and majority of the sad things were placed here, but the postscript makes me feel even better knowing that he actually did live a good life. Even with these hardships.

I can't remember when this story finished, but I'm crying just as badly as the first time I read the ending. I didn't even re-read the story. I just saw the postscript and I read parts of the final chapter while playing that Lighthouse song and GOD. I'm so happy he got to live happily and I'm really glad he finally found you and he had his son. It's just so sad to see someone like him go.

I love you guys, but I hate you guys for making me cry right now. <3

This has to be one of the most emotional gay themed stories I have ever read. Why? Because of it being true and at the same time it was sad John and Sam missed so many years of not being together, but in the long run, Sam was finally able to enjoy his last years with the person he loved more than life itself.

To John, you are one of a kind. You are the very essense of humanity. Love to you had no bounds. You sensed the "soul" and goodness in a person. You chose to love the whole person......body, soul and spirit. Your family, friends and Sam's son are blessed to have you in their lives.

To Sam, John and Adam, thank you for sharing this story with us. I hope someday an online memorial page can be created for the real Sam....he was a trooper and never lost his love for John, Chris and people in general. He, John and Adam have left us a priceless legacy.

Thank you sincerely,

Respectfully Yours,

James

I've read this story over and over, and I cannot get enough of it. The fact that this is based on a true story is overwhelming. I wish I knew who "Sam" and "Brian" was in real life, because they sounded like two outstanding people with a lot to give to others. Again, great story!!!!

Been reading this nonstop for a few days now and finally finished it today. I really don't know or can't find the right words to say. But I want to thank Dan/Sam for sharing his story with us. I also want to thank John/Brian and Adam for being a part or giving way for Sam's story to be told.

I am sad that Sam and Brian spent only a short time together, after finally being together, until Sam died. But I guess they were always together even before, not physically but they're always in each other's mind and heart throughout their entire life apart.

I really admire Brian. Sam really is lucky to have you, not just a lover but a great friend too. You really are his best friend. I also admire the great and pure love you have for him. Losing him hurts, a lot. But I hope you are happy now. And I know Chris is in good hands with you

And to Sam, you really are a great person. A beautiful person inside and out. A strong, kind, and selfless person. And brave enough to share your story with us. Thank you. And I hope you're in a better place now.

And to Adam, thank you so much for putting so much effort and heart to finish this story. Thank you!

Finally, this is a great story. And I really admire the great love shared between Sam and Brian.

-Zharm

Your story seems to have taken residence in my head and chest and won't be leaving me any time soon. I just have no words or maybe I have too many... My heart went out to you guys so many times while reading the story but you were so blessed to have this love, pure and selfless, the kind that brands the soul. John I wish you a full happy life, you and Dan's son deserve to be happy. It was wonderful of you to share this story and of Adam to help his friend finish it. I feel honored for having "met" you and I feel that this world would be better with more people like you in it. Have a great life. Love is all we need

I have finally finished the story... Coming from Chapter 26 to 27 and I think 28 to the end, and listening to the song as well it really brought me to tears. Without reading the postscript you would think that Sam and Brian would have lived a long and happy life together, but after reading, it is just so sad that their lives together was so cruelly cut short. There are simply no words for me to say on how special, and touching that this story is. I wish that I could have met Sam/Dan and Brian/John and all the others in the story as their kindness has touched me so much. May God bless you John and be strong - you are a true angel living on Earth and it is a true honour and a great privilege for me to find this story and be able to read it. Thank you again.

I don't know if anyone is still reading reviews for this story, but I wanted to say that Sam's story touched me deeply. Not because I've had similar experiences. In fact, I'd say my childhood more resembled Brian's than Sam's. I didn't know going in that it was an autobiography, but was not at all surprised when I found out that it was. Sam's character was real, almost too real. All the things that happened to him were not something that your typical writer would put their character through, and the way he spoke of his pain sounded like someone who had experienced it first hand.
Sam pressed every protective button I have, and I fully sympathize with Brian for wanting to protect him. I just wanted to hug him, so many times. He seemed like the sweetest guy, which is amazing considering all he went through. Many people would hate the world if even one of those things happened to them, but not Sam. He just kept pushing through and trying to move on with his life. He was a very special man, and I wish I'd had an opportunity to know him more than just through his story.
It seemed clear, even through Sam's eyes, how Brian felt about him. I was surprised to find out Sam and Brian weren't speaking much when he started writing the story because Brian's feelings seemed so obvious. He picked up on them enough to hint at them in the story.
To Brian (John), I hope that you are well. I find it so incredibly unfair that you had to lose him so soon after finally getting together. I also can't believe that anyone, but especially on a site like this, would give you a hard time about your sexuality and your love for Sam. People are assholes, and I'm sorry you had to deal with that.
To Adam, I barely noticed a difference when you took over writing Sam. The transition was graceful. You did an excellent job.
Anyway, I just wanted to say thank you for sharing this story with us. I'm glad to know that Sam had more good times than bad. I understand why he focused on the bad times for the sake of the story, and can't help thinking that writing it helped him heal. Knowing he was mostly a happy guy and laughed a lot and was loved by so many people makes the story that much better. This is one that will stay with me for a very long time.

I just finished this story and all I can say is WOW. Brian you were a lucky man to have sam in your life. And so was he. I hope you and chris are doing okay I know its hard losing the love of your life. This was a beautiful story god bless you for letting us read it. Much love

I finished the story in about 2 days. Read it all through the night and ended up only had 2 hours of sleep before i had to go to work, and even when i was at work i stole some time off and got through several chapters. I was thoroughly hooked. And now that I'm finished with the story I'm still not done with it.. Feels like my heart is being yanked and squeezed and grated, knowing there's this immense love between Sam and Brian, and when the stars aligned for them so many painful YEARS later and they were finally in each other's embrace, they had to be parted. Truly feeling overwhelmed with their story and feeling the heartache for them, and i couldn't imagine how John truly feels. Seeing them makes me realise that the pain that would come with love, I'm apprehensive of falling in love with a person so deeply. To Brian, all of my heart goes out to you. 

Ten years ago today, Dan Kincaid (whose real name was Samuel), author of the autobiographical novel "It Started with Brian," died of colon cancer after struggling with the disease for several months. He was thirty-four years old. I want to take this moment to acknowledge this milestone, celebrate his life, and honor his memory.

I did not have the privilege to know Sam personally or electronically, but he has had such a great impact in my life: He has helped me be a better human being.

I was going through a very difficult time in my life when I discovered Sam’s novel on May 27th, 2015. At the time, I was reading Adam Phillips’s autobiographical novel “Crosscurrents,” but I was not really “feeling” the story. I had read outstanding reviews about that novel for a couple of years, so I finally decided to give it a shot and succumbed to begin reading it. The novel was indeed good, but it was disappointing me: It was not what I needed at that particular moment. For starters, I could not relate to Andy, the main character, or Matt, Andy’s best friend and one of his subsequent love interests (the other one being Angie, a female). I usually do not mind if I cannot connect to, identify with, or feel empathy for a character of a novel that I am reading since I like to be exposed to different ways of thinking and personalities, but somehow I needed to read about a character who I could sympathize with, respond to, and have a rapport with. Needless to say, that was not Andy.

While reading “Crosscurrents,” I was feeling miserable because I was dealing with both physical and psychological health issues. I was bedridden for two years struggling with severe pain on both my right leg and foot after having several unsuccessful surgeries to try to correct the problem. I was, too, suffering from intense Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, which was out of control, making me unable to have peace of mind due to unbearable anxiety and stress. I was crippled and mentally disabled. The corporal pain and emotional hurt were incredibly distressing and became too much for me to handle. The agony, discomfort, and torment were tearing me apart. I felt that I hated myself. I thought that I did not have a future to anticipate to. As might be expected, I was overwhelmingly depressed. I realized that I was running on empty. I was suicidal. I needed to “escape.”

I loathed Andy Sharp (“Crosscurrents” main character) because I considered that he had it all and still was a terrible person. I thought of him as arrogant, conceited, immature, self-absorbed, selfish, smug, and unpleasant. He was handsome, healthy, fit, intelligent, brilliant, dexterous, and gregarious. He was also a popular athlete who played baseball, football, and soccer. And he was bisexual, so he led a practically “normal” life due to the fact that he also felt attraction to females. He had lots of friends, and did not have any problems getting girls to date or sleep with. So he possessed an infinite amount of qualities which I believed that I lacked. I disliked him greatly almost from the very beginning since he made me feel like a failure and incredibly inadequate; I was both envious and jealous of him. I did not need to feel that way at that tortuous moment. I want to point out that I know that he behaved appallingly because of insecurity struggling with his sexuality, but the way he chose to act on it was childish and condescending, even hurting others, like Matt, on his way. He was smart enough to know that what he was doing was wrong, but still kept upon doing it.

(I want to clarify that I have personally nothing against Adam Phillips, the author of the novel “Crosscurrents,” I was just feeling emotionally shattered and demolished at the time, and I could not help but compare myself unfavorably to him (Andy Sharp). Last year, when I was in a better place, both physically and psychologically, I read the novel from beginning to end and I could enjoy it. Not one of my favorites, but I recognize that it is a great story. Adam is a very gifted writer. You should read his work if you have not: You will not be disappointed.)

In spite of my not enjoying myself reading “Crosscurrents,” it did not blind me to recognize the talent of its author: I was impressed and in awe of Adam Phillips’s more than obvious story-telling gift, so I figured that I would look up if he had written other novels… With a more “likable” main character this time. That was when I came across “It Started with Brian,” and was introduced to fourteen-year-old Sam Passerello.

I did a little research on the novel before I began reading it. It was not a secret to me that this story was autobiographical, and that the author had passed away seven years before I found his work. I also, of course, was aware of the fact that Adam Phillips had graciously agreed to help Sam finish his novel when Sam was too sick to do it himself and decided to spend his last moments with his family members and friends. Adam could do so with the help of notes that Sam had previously written down and a few telephone calls between them. When Sam perished, Adam got some assistance from Sam’s husband, John (Brian, in the novel). This definitely called my attention. I proceeded to read the novel, and I was hooked from the very beginning. It was the first time, in a long time, that I responded to a story in such an amazing and magnificent way. I have read many books in my lifetime, and this particular novel hit me harder than “El plan infinito,” by Isabel Allende (which is my favorite published book, written by my preferred author), had done.

I could empathize with Sam from the start; I felt a connection to him. To me, he was so pure, innocent, brave, sincere, compassionate, honest, affectionate, caring, friendly, selfless, giving, approachable, understanding, and considerate. He was, above everything else, someone with whom I could relate. There were plenty of similarities between him and me. He was flawed, but that made him more likable in my eyes. He did not have a perfect life with loving parents and a stable home. He was so different from Andy Sharp who I thought, had it all.

Sam did not have it easy. The more I read, the more I loved him. I must admit, though, that there were times when I was angry with him for making the same mistakes over and over, but I had to remind myself that I, personally, would have done some of the same things that he did. He was human. He trusted his instincts. It was his kind-hearted and tender nature that made him the wonderful man who he was. He was the kind of person who I wanted to be friends with. Whenever I would get mad at him, he would win me over immediately by showing me his vulnerability and compassion for others.  I felt that I was a part of his story; I wanted so badly to hug and comfort him, and tell him that everything would work out for the best in the end.

I was ecstatic when Sam and his husband John, his first and true love, were finally together romantically. Sam had struggled for years to come to terms with his feelings for John. Sam fell in love with John when they first met when Sam was a new student at the school that John attended; there, they became best friends swiftly. To Sam, who was bisexual, it was inconceivable to accept the fact that John, who was heterosexual, could have any feelings for him that were not platonic. But it was also tremendously arduous for John to comprehend his affection for Sam. John, too, had loved Sam since they first met. It was considerably strenuous for John, because Sam had been the only man who he had ever wanted. John was still heterosexual, but in love with Sam who happened to be a man, so he was wrestling with those feelings, as well. They could have been together sooner, but Sam had previously dated John’s sister, Mary (her name in the novel), whom Sam seriously loved, and the two men had reservations, individually, about being together because of it. But the main problem that they both had, especially Sam, was that their sexual orientations were not compatible. Had Sam given himself the chance to be happy, to forget about “labels” (Sam was bisexual, John was heterosexual, so how could John possibly love Sam?), and just think about the love that John felt for him, things between them would have begun sooner.

That was an important lesson for me to learn: to forget about labels, and think about the love. I have read about countless people who are not together because of those irritatingly annoying labels, despite the immeasurable feelings that they have for the ones whom they love. How incredibly sad, is it not? Before reading this novel, I had not really paid that much attention to the amount of pain and hurt those labels inflict in some people. I was able to educate myself in the subject, and it opened up a whole new world for me to both discover and travel, and for that I am forever grateful.

I knew that Sam would eventually pass on, but I was not expecting to respond to the novel as badly as I thought that I would. Yes, life can be unfair at times, or it probably always is… I really do not know. Oh, how happy I felt when Sam and John were finally living together, along with Sam’s son, Christopher (his name in the novel), who was born when Sam was only twenty-two years of age. I was genuinely delighted for them both! Seriously beaming! Why did things have to end up the way that they did? I cried out loud reading the last chapter that Sam had written, himself, without the assistance of Adam. Then I read the postscript written by John, and I could learn even more about the extraordinary human being who Sam was.

I cried for the time that Sam and John wasted not being together. I cried because they could only enjoy themselves as a couple for a very short time. I cried because when things were getting finally better for Sam, he learned that he was terminally ill. I cried due to him dying so young. I cried for Sam’s son, Christopher, losing his father at only twelve years old. I cried because Sam and John are not physically together now. I cried for days, and I still do from time to time when I think about Sam.

Sam is an inspiration to me. He was born with parents who did not care much about him. He was sexually abused by older cousins and when he told his parents about it, they chose not to believe their own son. When he was outed by a jealous girlfriend, Amy (her name in the novel), his parents disowned him. He was determined to succeed because he wanted to prove his parents wrong, so he could not afford to be depressed. He was stalked viciously for years by a vindictive ex-boyfriend, Neal (his name in the novel). As I mentioned before, he became a father at twenty-two, and had sole custody of his son when his relationship with the mother of the child went downhill. Sam mentioned that his life was dominated by fear, but he did not let that to stop him. He worked several jobs while attending college because he could not rely on his parents for support. He graduated with honors sooner than anyone else in his class. He had a great career, giving friends, a caring husband, and loving son. My life, too, has been dominated by fear, and Sam proved to me that you can succeed as long as you believe in yourself with all your body, heart, mind, and soul. I learned from him to be understanding and forgiving; to have both an open heart and mind; to choose love always; and to cherish every single moment because, unfortunately, tomorrow is not promised to anyone. He taught me success is the best revenge.

Despite all the hardships in his life, Sam was not bitter or hateful. He did not use the tragedies that happened to him as an excuse to fail, be dejected or sorrowful. He always had the good sense to look ahead and wait for the best in every situation. He was a good son, father, friend, colleague, classmate, roommate, boyfriend, and husband. He was an outstanding human being and an impeccable man. And I will always treasure the day I decided to read his story.

I honestly hope that John has been able to move on and share, once again, all the love that he has to give to someone else. I sincerely hope his son (who must be around twenty-two, the age Sam was when he was born) is doing all right, and know the splendid man he had as a father. I am aware that John adopted him, so I am certain that he has grown up with the best person to guide his steps.

I want to thank Adam Phillips, dearly, for helping Sam tell his story. It was such a selfless act for him to do so; according to his own words, he did it out of love for Sam whom he loved as a brother. I truthfully hope all is well with his wife and two sons. I personally cannot wait for him to continue writing, since I think that he is one of the most talented writers around.

In conclusion, I thank you, Sam, wherever you are for everything that you have taught me. As you can see, your legacy is living on not only inside the people who you knew, but also inside the ones who you have touched through your story. You made the right decision the day that you decided to tell your story. Your novel helped me when I needed it the most. If there is a Heaven, I know that you are there.

May you forever rest in peace.

I finished this amazing piece of work today, on the 2nd of August, 2019. Having read this more than ten times, I think it is a huge understatement that it made a mark on my life. 

I printed this on my printer at home fearing that it will disappear from the internet. I didn't even know there was a P.S. from Brian. 

I don't know what to say. 

Rest in peace, Sam. 

I hope you are watching from somewhere, and are pleased you made an impact on so many lives. 

Thank you, Brian, as well, for sharing this. 

You guys shaped the way I am thinking about life. 

So much of this was very familiar to me. I volunteer on the Crisis Intervention line and the Suicide Prevention line. It really hurt to read very similar situations that I have experienced. Professionals must remain detached  and objective but that doesn't mean we don't hurt with our clients.  I wasn't very many chapters in before I started my mantra "Get professional help. Call this number."  By the time I was nearing the end I was shouting in my mind "Get professional help!"  It can be expensive but there are services such as the ones my University runs which are free or cost very little.  Mental health has been so underfunded and public awareness nonexistent or greatly misunderstood but I see that could be changing.  Let us hope.

Brian,  my heart goes out to you. Thank you for sharing this journey with Sam. Hopefully it will open some eyes and lead to better understanding the importance of mental health. 

Thanks to everyone involved in getting this story out and I hope that a lot of people continue to read it and enjoy it.

 I echo the sentiments of others here that it’s a shame that Dan’s life was cut so short. 

It surely is a beautiful story. And I wish you all the best,Brian and Christopher. Sam was  a great man. Thank you all for telling this touching story that resonates with me so much. You have my prayers.❤️❤️❤️

Wow, just finished reading this story (over two days) and thoroughly enjoyed the roller-coaster ride. I was moved by the events that took place in Sam's life and glad that he finally found peace and love. Quite emotional to think that it is based on real-life events. Thank you Adam. All the best to Brian/John (my own husband is called John too!) and Chris, wherever you are.

Readers Who May Yet Stumble Across This Story,

I get an email every now and then from new ISWB readers who want me to convey a message to John ("Brian").

I have to say with a great deal of sadness that I no longer can. I'm sure he and Chris are doing well. It's just that our communication back in the day was limited to Yahoo Messenger, which I no longer have, and Yahoo Mail, which I also no longer have.

The last I heard from them, Chris was in college and doing well. I expect he's graduated by now. John had moved across the country and was working in a field in which he had knowledge and experience. We were great and deep online friends; it was never our karma, destiny, or, even, interest, in extending it beyond that.

Maybe some day I'll stumble across John again and we'll get updated with each other. I know he reads these reviews and comments from time to time. Time will tell.

In the meantime, if you haven't already, you may want to read my story Crosscurrents here at GayAuthors. Solivagant's (pretty on-target, I'm afraid) comments above re: the protagonist's (aka "my") less-than-stellar character notwithstanding, this is also an autobiographical coming-of-age story about young men whose affections don't fit the neat binaries that the culture tried for so long to pigeonhole us into. I'm in the Classic Authors section because I haven't written for GayAuthors in ages; I hope to change that this year, but I'm not making any promises!

Thanks for following ISWB; I miss "Sam" dearly, and you're all correct; he was a saint of a man.

This story had me needing a therapist at multiple points while reading. It has been a few days since I finished reading and I feel like I lost a friend. I could not imagine loosing the love of your life after all the horrible things that happend and then finally getting though it all only to have cancer waiting on the other side of there happiness. I can not imagine how John (Brian) was able to keep it together and get through all of it. With all that being said I am extremely happy to have read this story and was able to gain so much perspective about life. I really never though that reading a story would or could have such an impact on how I view life and how I view others. To all who have a part in the creation of the story THANK YOU! I really think this has made me a better person for having read this and definitely changed my outlook on so much. To John if you see this I would love an update on how yours and chris' life (just how yall are doing nothing super personal). I really can not give enough gratitude and appreciation for everyone who had a part in the creation of the story. Thank you for sharing 

On 5/16/2021 at 3:52 PM, Adam Phillips said:

Readers Who May Yet Stumble Across This Story,

I get an email every now and then from new ISWB readers who want me to convey a message to John ("Brian").

I have to say with a great deal of sadness that I no longer can. I'm sure he and Chris are doing well. It's just that our communication back in the day was limited to Yahoo Messenger, which I no longer have, and Yahoo Mail, which I also no longer have.

The last I heard from them, Chris was in college and doing well. I expect he's graduated by now. John had moved across the country and was working in a field in which he had knowledge and experience. We were great and deep online friends; it was never our karma, destiny, or, even, interest, in extending it beyond that.

Maybe some day I'll stumble across John again and we'll get updated with each other. I know he reads these reviews and comments from time to time. Time will tell.

In the meantime, if you haven't already, you may want to read my story Crosscurrents here at GayAuthors. Solivagant's (pretty on-target, I'm afraid) comments above re: the protagonist's (aka "my") less-than-stellar character notwithstanding, this is also an autobiographical coming-of-age story about young men whose affections don't fit the neat binaries that the culture tried for so long to pigeonhole us into. I'm in the Classic Authors section because I haven't written for GayAuthors in ages; I hope to change that this year, but I'm not making any promises!

Thanks for following ISWB; I miss "Sam" dearly, and you're all correct; he was a saint of a man.

 

Wow.  This was a profoundly moving story.  I read it after reading Crosscurrents which, for me, was an even more profoundlingly moving story.  There are parallels in these storys with my own life.  I have come to understand that the three little buckets (straight, gay, and bisexual) in which our society attempts to shoehorn all of us are wholly inadequate.  I believe that the vast majority of men (since I am a man, I cannot speak for women or others who identify differently) fall within the bisexual continuum.  I believe this not only because of stories like these, but because of my own personal experiences with other men.  I applaud Adam Phillips, Sam, and John / Brian for telling their stories.  Doing so will help other men become more comfortable with their own sexual orientations.  My hope is that, one day, men will become more comfortable being honest with themselves, which I believe will make the world be a slightly better place.

Adam Phillips - you are a talented story teller and writer.  Whe will we hear from you next???