Enigma II. Fighting the Man - 11. Chapter 11 - Visits

Yesterday we visited Sam. It was the first time Ben had been there and he loved it. From the moment he set foot in the garden he got excited and dragged Silver and Jake off to give him a tour. For the rest of the day the three of them ran wild. Sam did a barbecue in the garden and I don’t think any of them stayed still for more than a few minutes to grab a quick bite or two.

They raced around the garden, playing football, climbing trees or just chasing each other. When they got tired they went up to Jake’s room to play games and listen to music that we could hear just as easily in the garden.

Ben was completely relaxed and at ease and both Sam and Hester fell completely in love with him.

“He’s a lovely kid River. He reminds me so much of you.”

“Maybe the way I was ten years ago.” There was sadness in my voice that surprised even me.

“What happened to change that?”

“I don’t know. My aunt and uncle helped. They just seem to suck the life out of everything. My parents were free spirits, gentle, sweet people. By the time Ben was born they were already changing that. My mother wasn’t well after Ben was born and my father had to work to keep their heads above water, so Aunt Sophy came to look after Mum and the baby.

“I still remember it. It didn’t take long for them to get their claws into them. She is an evil, bigoted, spiteful woman. She isn't able to have children herself, thank god, and she was jealous of my mother for us. She completely took over with Ben and she tried to suck me in too but I was old enough to know a bad thing when I saw it and she had basically washed her hands off me before I even knew I was gay myself, let alone told anyone.

“But that time, that time when she came to take care of Mum and Ben. It was awful. I spent most of my time in my room and every time she saw me she had something to pick at, some criticism to make. And the sad thing is that I could see it changing my mother, bit by bit, day by day. She spoiled my life and now she’s doing it again.”

“Don’t worry River. She’s not going to have a chance of doing that. Social Services will come around. It will all be okay.”

“Maybe... but she’s already damaging it.”

“What do you mean?”

“The things she said to Silver, Sam... they were evil. And then to make this referral to Social Services about him.” I watch Silver chase Ben and Jake and then, at their request, perform a breathtaking sequence of flips and leaps across the lawn. I am totally stunned and distracted for a moment. “Shit. He’s awesome.”

“Yes he is. It’s a shame that so often people’s prejudices won’t let them see that. How has it affected him... all this nonsense?”

“It isn’t nonsense to him Hester, or to Ben. It’s shaken them both badly. Silver’s been... it’s put him back weeks... months. I’m worried about him.”

“He seems fine today.”

“Yeah, he does seem so doesn’t he?”

“Is it that bad?”

“No, not really, I don’t suppose so. It’s just... Things were coming together so well. And then... He was... I don’t know. He was struggling, that’s why we set up the exhibition. And that didn’t end so well. I was so proud of him when he came with me... he was so...” I shake my head. I don’t have the words. “I’m scared, really scared. He finally managed to get back out there in the world, to stop being so frightened of everything and look what happened. He is not going to want to do it again.”

“I think you underestimate him River. He’s stronger than you think he is.”

“I know... in so many ways but this...”

“Honey... you have to relax a bit on this. You know how perceptive Silver is, especially when it comes to you. If you are uptight and upset he is going to pick up on that.”

“I know. I know it. It’s just...”

“It’s just that you love him so much you don’t want to see him hurt. Who wouldn’t feel like that after everything you two have been through? But it’s life River, everyone gets knocks, everyone gets hurt. You can’t protect him from everything.”

“I know. I do know that but he’s just so...” I look across the lawn where Silver has been wrestled to the ground by a double sided attack and all three of them are giggling helplessly. “He’s so gentle, so open, so...”

“Yes he is... but he is also strong, resourceful and capable. Have you thought that maybe you are stifling him... just a little?”

“What do you mean?”

“You love him River, you want to look after him and sometimes that means that you don’t give him the opportunity to look after himself.”

I don’t want to listen, probably because I know she’s right.

For the rest of the evening I just can’t focus and for the first time I am actually glad to leave and head home. Silver watches me the whole way and I try to pretend I don’t notice. It works right up until Ben goes to bed.

As soon as he leaves Silver goes out into the kitchen and makes us coffee. When he comes back he sets it down on the table and snuggles next to me on the sofa.

“What’s wrong?”

“What makes you think there’s something wrong?”

“Not being stupid. Are you worried about Ben?”

“Kind of. But I’m more worried about you.”

“Me? I’m okay.”

I turn to him and gaze into his beautiful face. It takes my breath away as always. His eyes are calm and silver and he has the most beautiful smile on his face.

“It wasn’t the best trip was it? I was hoping that...” Looking into those beautiful eyes I can’t go on. I don’t want to hurt him again.

“You were hoping that I’d stop being afraid of people.”

“I...”

“It’s okay. I know it’s hard for you. It’s hard for me too. I don’t want to be afraid. I don’t want to hurt you. It’s just...”

“Woah... what on earth makes you think you hurt me?”

He blinks at me and the smile fades from his face. “I know I’m not like you River. I’m not like anyone else. I... I make it hard for you. You have to think of me all the time, about how I am going to be. You try to do something nice for me and I screw it up; I try to be there for you, to support you when you need me and I screw that up too. That woman was right...”

“Silver...” I am truly and absolutely horrified. I force him to look up at me. At first he won’t meet my eyes but I make him. “I think of you all the time because I love you and you’re all I want to think about. You’ve screwed nothing up. The very fact that you came with me when you were so scared was the greatest gift that anyone could give me.

“And yes... I wish you hadn’t come, but that has nothing to do with you. I would not want anyone I love, to have been exposed to my aunt and uncle. One thing you need to understand Silver... it doesn’t matter who I took with me, she would have been horrible to them. That’s the way she is. It isn’t you.”

“Really?”

“Absolutely. You should have heard the things she said to me when she found out that I was gay. My parents would have accepted it. It would have taken some time but they would have come round, they would have accepted me... if it hadn’t been for Aunt Sophy pouring her poison into their ears. They hate me and they hate you because I love you.

“Silver, they don’t even know you. They had never met you before, so how could they say anything about you that’s true? They were just being cruel... because they can.”

“Are you sure?”

“I’m absolutely certain. If they knew you, if they knew how sweet you are, how gently and loving and beautiful they would never have said what they did.”

“But that woman... that woman said...”

“That woman said that everything was alright. She had to look into the things that Aunt Sophy said but by the end she loved you, just like everyone else does... and so did that policeman.”

“He was sad.”

“You think?”

“He loves someone but he hasn’t told them.”

“How do you know that?”

“It was in his eyes.”

“So why hasn’t he told them?”

“He’s scared. He’s more scared than I am River.”

“Most people are. I didn’t realise it until now but most people are hiding in one way or another and they’re all scared.”

“Are you scared River?”

“The only think I’m scared of is having to spend one minute of my life without you.”

“Then you have absolutely nothing to worry about.” Smiling he tucks up his legs and slides onto my lap. Gods he’s so lithe and he knows how to use his body like no one else. He snakes his arms around my neck and leans in for a kiss. I open to him, stroking his back and sigh with utter contentment knowing that, at least for the next few hours I am not going to be worrying about anything at all.

***

Today we are going to do some boring stuff like getting Ben enrolled with a doctor and dentist, visiting the headmaster of the local school and checking out the town centre shops. Well okay the last one isn’t so boring but we figured we deserve it after such a boring start.

Silver is staying home to finish the wall painting and we are going to get Ben some stuff to finish off his room. He is so excited. He loves the painting and the fact that he and Silver are doing it together. Silver has even let him paint some parts and he is so proud.

It’s all quite hard work and we are very grateful to fall into a booth at the food court with a couple of hot dogs and ice cold drinks. The phone ringing startles me. It is Silver and at first it is difficult to work out what he is saying because he is so crazy. Eventually I figure out that Silver’s had a call from a social worker who, when told we weren’t there, said she’d be back in an hour.

He’s so upset that he can hardly speak. “Calm down babe. We’re on our way back. It’s going to be okay. Remember last time? It was okay then wasn’t it?”

“I... yes... okay.”

“It’s going to be fine. Just carry on with the painting and forget them.”

“I finished.”

“Then get us some lunch. We’re leaving out hot dogs here and we’re starving.”

“Okay,” he whispers. I hate Social Services more than I have ever hated anyone... except perhaps Aunt Sophy.

Ben is not too happy about going back but, when he hears why, he goes silent and turns pale. I hate them even more.

Between reassuring and calming Silver and Ben I don’t have time to worry myself, not that is until the doorbell rings.

The social worker is very young, at least she appears to be. She is glamorous with high heels, tight skirt and eyelashes about three feet long. I have to wonder what on earth she has in common with most of the clients she gets to meet and how the hell she would expect them to relate to her. I have some experience with social workers through my work at the care home and usually they make a real effort to relate to their clients and make them feel they are being spoken to and not at. Clearly the philosophy in children services is very different. How crazy is that?

This time I insist that Silver and Ben go upstairs. She isn’t too happy but doesn’t resist too much. She is saccharine sweet and that makes me more nervous than anything else.

Unsurprisingly I quickly learn that there has been another referral from my Aunt. I explain about Ms Ward’s visit and the enquiries she made. I ask if she has been contacted and get the distinct impression they hadn’t even known about her. Clearly they have done no checking or investigation before the visit because they don’t know about the incident at the hospital and they haven’t picked up the warning P had set up at the police station.

I go through the whole rigmarole again and provide her with telephone numbers for Dr Marshall and the hospital and details of the police involvements. She listens gravely, notes carefully and shoves the telephone numbers into the back of the file in a way that says more clearly than words that she has no intention of checking them out.

“Why haven’t you contacted Ms Ward? She’s already covered all this ground.”

“We haven’t contacted anyone yet. This is simply an initial assessment meeting, to decide if we need to carry out an investigation.”

“Oh. But you will contact her... you will get a copy of her report?”

“If we decide to take further action we’ll obtain information from any source considered relevant.”

“What further action?”

“If we felt there was need we would have to contact our legal department.”

“But there isn’t any need.”

She smiles brightly but falsely with a look about her of a cat playing with a mouse. “I’m sure there isn’t. Now can I speak to Ben please?”

“Only if you can promise him that you won’t take him away from us.”

“I can’t make any promises at this stage.”

“Then you can’t see Ben.”

“Are you refusing me access to Ben?”

“No, I am just refusing to allow Ben to be reduced to the kind of hysterics he experienced last time because of the trauma he was put through by the other social worker. You don’t seem to understand that he’s been through a really traumatic time and he doesn’t need more stress. If you can promise my brother that he won’t be torn away from the only family, and degree of security, he has left then by all means you can see him, if not then I would rather not.”

“Thank you for your candour. Maybe I will wait to see Ben for now, until we carry out some further investigation and have a clearer picture of where we’re going. In the meantime it would probably be best not to make any promises to Ben that you might not be able to keep. And we would be a lot happier if Ben wasn’t left alone with... your partner.”

“His name is Silver. It wouldn’t burn your lips to say it. And whatever gave you the impression that I want to make you happy?”

“You do understand our concerns Mr Caulfield?”

“Frankly ‘no’. Given the state of a lot of the kids out there Ben is hardly top of the risk list. He is well cared for, surrounded by nice things, being given plenty of attention and stimulation... and before you twist that in your report, I was talking about mental stimulation. He is happy, very happy.”

“He’s not in school yet?”

“This was discussed with the headmaster of his last school. It was felt under the circumstances it would do him no harm to have some time off and start at the new school after the holidays. The old headmaster sent him some work to do over the holidays and the new headmaster, who we saw this morning, was completely satisfied. They are arranging for his notes to be sent down.”

“Why couldn’t he stay at his old school?”

“Because he doesn’t live in the area any more, he lives here, with us now.”

“Could you not have stayed in the area until he finished the term?”

“No. Neither Ben nor I could bear to stay in our parent’s house after what happened.”

“Surely there must have been someone Ben could have stayed with.”

“No one I know of.”

“What about Ben’s aunt and uncle?”

“It will be a cold day in hell before I let them anywhere near him.” She raises a delicately arched eyebrow.

“Do you not get on?”

“Contact the hospital where Ben was treated after the accident. They will tell you what they did to a boy who had just been told his parents were dead. They can tell you that he was so hysterical after only half an hour in their presence that they were escorted off the premises by security. That they were about to sedate him before I turned up and calmed him down in five minutes.”

“I’m sure we will.” She says coolly. “For now I am talking to you. You hadn’t seen your brother for some time before the accident.”

“That’s right. It’s been more than three years.”

“And before that you were close?”

“Yes. We were very close. We went everywhere together. I took care of him when my parents were working, we did activities together...”

“What kind of activities?”

“Swimming, sports, playing computer games. He was always included when friends came over. He was a friend as well as a brother.”

“But you didn’t keep in touch when you left home.”

I bow my head and answer sadly. “No.”

“Why was that?”

“Because my parents didn’t allow it. Sometimes he would ring me from a friend’s mobile when he was at school or out with them... because my parents checked his own phone and he got into trouble if my name came up. For the same reason I couldn’t ring him.”

“Did you encourage him to go behind your parents’ back to contact you?”

MY head snaps up and I watch her write something on the pad in front of her. “He’s my brother. Whatever went on between my parents and myself, shouldn’t have had anything to do with him. He lost his brother and his best friend. He didn’t understand. What was I supposed to do? Push him away?”

Nodding she scribbles furiously on her pad. “And what was it that caused the separation between yourself and your parents?”

Oh here we go, as if she doesn’t know. “They threw me out when I told them I’m gay.”

“I see.” It’s wonderful how such a lot of emotion can be expressed in so few words. That’s when I got really angry.

“Are you trying to suggest there’s anything wrong with that? With being gay I mean. Are you saying that they were in the right when they threw me out?”

“How old were you?”

“Twenty.”

“You were an adult.”

“Yeah... Whatever.”

“Before that time your parents had no idea you were gay?”

“No, none.”

“But you’d had... relationships?” Again that tone in her voice that expressed... disgust. From the very first I knew I was onto a loser with this woman. This is an interrogation and she isn’t a friend.

“Yes. I’d had relationships before.”

“And you hid them?”

“Yes.”

“Why did you do that?”

I can’t help staring at her, disbelieving. How the hell could she ask that question when she knew...? “Because I knew what would happen when I told them.”

Nodding again, she makes another note. What I wouldn’t give to see what she was writing.

“So...how did you and... Silver meet?”

Uh oh. I see a chasm open before my feet and there is nothing I can do but jump headlong into it and hope someone has tied a bungee rope around my ankle. “He was a resident in a care home I was working in.”

“A resident?”

“Yes... I know how this looks but it’s not how it seems. Silver had some problems because of something bad that had happened to him. He was withdrawn and hiding inside his head. Once he opened up and came to terms with it he was fine.”

“You commenced a relationship with a patient who was under your care?”

“No. We didn’t commence a relationship until I resigned from my job.”

“I’ve heard that you commenced your relationship after an incident, where you were kidnapped by someone who was seeking revenge on your partner, for events that occurred in his past? That he was hospitalised as a result of that incident and that further incidents occurred at your home during which you shot and killed a man? That must have been awful for you” Her voice has only a very thin veneer of concern. I can see the direction in which this heading and I don’t like it. I don’t like it at all.

“He was trying to kill US. I did what I had to do to protect him... to protect us.”

“I’m sure you did... but you have to appreciate that what happened was extremely violent and dangerous. You have to admit that it is concerning that a young boy is being placed into the home where all this took place.”

“I don’t have to admit anything. That’s over now. It done and gone. The reason Faith came after Silver was because no one else was going to. It ended with him.”

“Very well... maybe we can look at the reasons this man came after you partner.”

“His name is Silver. You can at least give him the courtesy of using it.”

“Ah yes... I understand that Mr Hart’s name is actually Matthew but he has chosen to be known by the name that was given to him during his... intervening years.”

“He hasn’t ‘chosen’ to be known by it. It’s who he is. It’s what I’ve known him as from the start... it’s... fitting.”

The woman I have come to consider as the enemy, looks at me and smiles a tight smile. “I see.”

“Do you? Do you see? Do you really see anything at all? You have your little boxes and I’m sure this case ticks them all. Let’s not beat around the bush. Silver was a sex slave. For seven years he was abused, raped, sold, beaten and taught that he was nothing better than an animal and didn’t even deserve to be treated as a human being let alone respected or loved. Are you going to suggest that was his fault? Are you going to suggest that because of what happened to him he is a danger to Ben... to anyone?

“You should speak to him, talk to him, not at him. He’s such a sweet person. He’s strong and brave and beautiful and he would never... never hurt anyone. You can sit there and look at me with that supercilious expression on your face, thinking you know how it is, that you have all the answers but the simple fact is this.... Ben has just lost his parents. He’s traumatised and hurt. He needs a secure home with people he loves and trusts and who would never hurt him. He knows he has that with me and Silver.

“If you tear him away from us now you will hurt him more than he’s ever been hurt before. He loves us, he feels safe with us and he trusts us. Why would you drag him away from that and put him the home of a stranger?”

“We have no intention of ‘dragging him away’ from you River. We just think that the situation requires close monitoring. Ben IS hurt and vulnerable and to place him into a home which has attracted violence in the very recent past and with someone who has a past littered with sexual offences and mental illness without careful supervision and full assessment would be irresponsible of us.”

“But that’s not....”

“True?”

“No... it’s kind of true but... You don’t know him. You don’t know Silver. Just talk to him...”

“I can assure you that we will.”

“Not today.”

She raised her perfect eyebrow, flutters her perfect lashes and purses her perfect lips. “Have you told Ben about all of this?”

“Not all of it, no. He knows about some of it, he’s had to, to understand Silver, what he’s gone through, why he is what he is. And it hasn’t made the slightest bit of difference. Ben loves Silver and Silver loves Ben. They are like brothers, friends.”

“If I were able to speak to him, I would be able to establish that for myself.”

“Then it’s a shame that you are being so insensitive and unreasonable about that or I would be happy to let you.”

Giving me that predatory smile again she snaps shut her notebook and gets to her feet. “It was very nice to meet you Mr Caulfield. You will be notified of the outcome of the assessment in due course.”

“I’m sure I will.”

As soon as I close the door behind her I run up the stairs dreading what I might find, but Silver and Ben seem quite happy playing games together, although both of them look up anxiously. I smile, trying to reassure myself as I reassure them.

“She’s gone. Everything is okay.”

“I’m glad I didn’t have to speak to them this time.” I smile and ruffle his hair. He seems content. Silver, on the other hand continues to look at me with anxious eyes. Sometimes he is too perceptive for his own good.