Enigma II. Fighting the Man - 36. Chapter 36 - Shaking Down

I can’t say that things weren’t fragile for a while because they were. They were fragile and awkward and uncomfortable. As soon as we got through the door and Silver took off his coat I felt... strange. Before, I would have taken him into my arms without a second thought and the temptation was strong but something stopped me.

It wasn’t that I was angry at him for what he’d told me or that what he said has changed the way I feel about him in any way. It was just... He was different, so different. He was self contained in a way he had never been before and the truth was, I didn’t know whether he wanted me to.

For a while Silver walked around looking at things, idly picking them up and putting them down again as if he was... I don’t know what he was doing. I do know that his appearance stunned me. Silver was always beautiful, stunning, striking... but now. I couldn’t take my eyes off him. His hair was shocking, but not in a bad way. I would never have thought of getting it done like that and it was a real shock to the system but I was getting used to it, no more than getting used to it, I was loving it. And all the leather... I couldn’t deny that was a huge turn on, although it did bother me to think about him buying it and who he wore it for.

“Are you okay? Do you want anything?”

He started as if he had forgotten I was there. Then he turned and smiled at me. That was one thing that hadn’t changed, that smile. It made me feel as if I was melting from the inside.

“I’m sorry River. It’s...” He sighed and floated across the room straight into my arms. Another thing that hasn’t changed then, he’s still spontaneous and unselfconscious in giving his love. It was so good to hold him in my arms again. At the hospital and in the car we had clung to each other desperately. But this time we simply held each other, gently, lovingly, with healing.

At first we just embraced, and then he lifted his head and closed his eyes and kissed me. There was something different in his kiss. At first I panicked, all sorts of things went through my mind. He was thinking of Ash, he didn’t really want me any more, he was regretting coming home... yeah. Then slowly, too slowly it occurred to me. The difference was that he was just kissing me this time, not trying to please me or prove something to me, just kissing me and it was wonderful.

When he broke the kiss Silver rested his head on my shoulder and we cuddled as I listened to him breathe.

“I need to get you something to eat. You really are far too skinny.”

“I am not skinny. I am slender and willowy.”

“Yeah right. I bet I could put my hands around your waist.”

“Bet you couldn’t.”

Of course I couldn’t. I had forgotten how deceptive Silver was in that his grace and bearing hid well developed muscles.

“Alright, you win. But I am still going to feed you.”

“I wouldn’t complain, although I am very tired. It’s been...” His face fell and tears sprang to his eyes. I pulled him to me and held him tight.

“I know babe. I know. But you’re safe now. You’re home.”

He looked up at me with a strange look on his face, then he smiled and nodded. “Yes, home.”

Before we went to bed I took him into the bathroom and showed him the various medications the doctor had prescribed. I explained how to take them what they were for and what they meant. He listened carefully with a serious expression on his face.

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

“I didn’t want you to worry. I didn’t think you would understand.”

“I didn’t understand. I didn’t know what was happening to me. I just knew that you were there and I felt safe and you made it better again. But when... when you weren’t there...”

“What do you mean?”

“It happened when I was... not here. It was awful. I didn’t know what was happening and neither did anyone else. I was frightened and confused and I... I hit out and hurt people without knowing what I was doing. I felt... lost and scared and... and I just wanted you.” He lowered his head and bit his lip. “I even called Ash by your name.”

Then he took a breath and looked up at me, his eyes dry and steady. “But it wasn’t right, was it? It wasn’t right that I didn’t know what was happening to me. It wasn’t right that I couldn’t deal with it without you. And it wasn't right that I didn’t know I was supposed to be taking these to stop it.”

I shook my head. What could I say? “No. It wasn’t right. I thought it was, but it wasn’t and that’s the heart of everything that was wrong. I tried to take a weight off your shoulders but I just put chains around you. I swear I won’t do it again.”

Silver smiled at me and looked into my eyes and said gently but, to me, shockingly. “I know. I won’t let you.”

I gave him a shaky smile and then we went to bed. We didn’t make love. We just held each other and for the first time in weeks I fell asleep with a smile on my face.

When we woke it was late and I made us a quick breakfast in bed. Then we talked. We talked about everything. I tried very hard to explain to him what had been going on in my head and he tried to find the words for what had been going on in his.

We carefully and deliberately skirted over and around what had happened to him when he was away and when we were exhausted we kissed and I fell in love with him all over again. Then we went back to sleep.

It was late in the afternoon when I finally woke. Silver was still asleep and I lay for a while, propped up on my elbow watching him breathe. His face, relaxed in sleep was just the same as it always had been, now that he had washed off the cosmetics that had disturbed me so much. If it hadn’t been for his hair I could almost have imagined that none of it had ever happened.

I gently nudged down the covers and ran my fingers over his chest with long gentle strokes. He sighed and stirred and I let my fingers brush over his nipples. He smiled but didn’t move as I trailed my fingers downwards.

When Silver opened his eyes they were sleepy and metallic silver. He smiled gently and raised himself to kiss me, pressing his body against mine. I threw myself down on him as his arms came around me.

“I love you River.” He whispered. “Make love to me.”

“Coincidentally that was exactly what I was intending to do.”

Running his hands up and down my sides and making it damned difficult to think he shook his head and whispered. “No, you don’t understand. I don’t want to make love to you, not this time. I want you to make love to me.”

It took a while for my endorphin drugged brain to work out what he was saying but when I did I propped myself up again and looked down at him. His eyes were very large and very bright.

“Are you sure?”

“Yes. It doesn’t mean that I am never going to make love to you again, or that I won’t do what I used to do, it just means that I don’t live in the past any more. It isn’t so important to me to be in control and always striving to be... to be what I was. I don’t need that any more. I just need you. It’s going to take a while I think, to find out what suits us, what makes us both happy, but I want to start right now.”

“I think I can live with that.”

It was an experience; one hell of an experience. It wasn’t that Silver just lay there and took it. He was fully ‘there’ and participated but it was... different. It wasn’t a bad difference, just an unsettling one.

Afterwards, he looked like the cat who had the cream, satisfied, fulfilled and at peace. I wasn’t. I don’t know why I felt so disturbed by it; it was what I wanted after all. It’s just... I think that what it was about, was the fact that he had changed, even if it was in a positive way. It almost felt as if what had happened, Ash, had taken him away from me. And I know that was ridiculous, and unfair, and selfish... and all those other things I railed myself with. And I’m sure that with time that will change but still... it was unsettling.

I made him chilli for tea which he ate with relish and then he went to have a bath while I rang Sam.

“How is it going?”

“Fine.”

There must have been something in my voice that betrayed my confusion because Sam picked up on it instantly.

“Not so good, eh?”

“No... it’s not that. It’s just... He’s different. He’s very different and it’s... strange.”

“It’s bound to be. Don’t put too much pressure on yourselves. Just take it a day at a time.”

“Yes, you’re right of course.”

“So where is sunshine boy?”

“He’s in the bath. I rang to tell you that we’re coming over, is that okay?”

“Of course. You don’t have to ask. I was going to ring actually. Ben has been driving us insane all day. He can’t wait to see Silver again.”

“That’s good. We’ll be there in about an hour.”

So here we are on the way to Sam’s. Silver is excited. He has already spoken to Ben on the phone and they are both just about ready to burst. I don’t know if it’s ‘allowed’ but I don’t care any more, I really don’t care. Whatever Social Services say, think or do I am now going to be doing what I think is best for my family, to help them, not to hurt them any more. Silver and Ben; they are my family and it can’t be wrong for me to take care of them, both of them.

Silver has gone quiet again. I look across at him. He is twisting the ring around on his finger again. “You are going to wear it out you know?”

He starts as if he had been far away, or caught doing something he shouldn’t. “What?”

“Either the ring or the finger is going to wear out if you keep doing that.” He smiles absently and mirthlessly. “It suits you. It all does really. It just takes some getting used to.” At least he isn't wearing his leather trousers. And he’s removed most of the... other things. He’s dressed in his own clothes with just the ring and silver bracelets on his wrist. He looks more like my Silver... except he isn’t. He isn’t my Silver any more. He isn’t anyone’s just himself.

“I’m not entirely sure about the armour and war paint but the leather trousers could certainly grow on me and I am really learning to love your hair.” He smiles more warmly and twists a crimson strand around his finger. “The ring is really beautiful. Where did you get it?”

The smile falls from his face and tears spring to his eyes. I wish I could take back what I said. Hell I wish I could bite out my tongue. He looks stricken.

“What’s wrong? I didn’t mean...”

He shakes his head and tries to smile again. “No. I’m sorry. You... it’s just... We went shopping for it; the stuff I mean. We went together; me and Ariel and... Ash. He... he bought the ring for me, as a present.”

“Oh, I see. I’m sorry.”

“No don’t be. We can’t go through the rest of our lives pretending, that, that time in my life didn’t happen and I can’t...I won’t forget Ash, I won't let him be a dirty little secret from the past. He deserves more than that. You’re going to have to accept him River or... or...”

“It’s alright, Silver,” I say gently and mean it, I really mean it. “I would never do that. I would never try to take Ash away from you. I... I’ll go to the funeral with you if you want me to, to meet your friends, the ones who helped you.”

His eyes widen, still bright with tears but full of wonder now too. I already regret what I said but in the light of that look, that smile, what could I do but smile and nod? He lights up and his eyes turn from grey to silver making me shiver. I don’t know what’s going to come of this but I really, really hope it’s good.

When we get to Sam’s Ben is almost bursting with excitement. He meets us at the gate and looks as if he has been here for a while. The first thing he does is throw himself into Silver’s arms and Silver swings him round. Sam and Hester join us, both smiling broadly and greeting Silver with equal warmth but a little more restraint.

“Wow, I love your hair. Can I do my hair like that River? Can I?”

“We’ll see. Maybe sometime. I’m still getting used to Silver’s.”

“But that’s not fair. Silver got his done, why can’t I?”

“Silver is a grown up and he can do what he likes. You on the other hand are merely a brat, subject to the tyrannical rule of your elders and betters.”

Ben looks at me for a moment with a shocked expression on his face, then he grins. “Yeah right. Come on Silver, Jake’s got this great new game and he’s found a site on the computer that...”

Silver gently disengages himself. “I’ll be up in a little while, I promise, but I need to speak to Sam and Hester first.”

“I’ll stay with you.”

“No, go and play Ben. I’ll be there in a while. I do know where Jake’s room is you know.”

“Okay.” Ben says reluctantly. “I know when I’m not wanted.”

“Yeah, yeah.”

Silver smiles, watching Ben disappear inside the house. Sam and Hester look at me and raise their eyebrows. I smile and shrug. What else can I do? I’m as stunned as they are.

“Come inside sweetheart, I’ll get you some lemonade.”

“Could I have coffee instead, please?”

Hester stares at him for a moment, shocked. Then she smiles broadly and pats his arm.

“Of course you can. I’ll put the kettle on.”

I know what shocked her. Silver so rarely asks for anything, and always with a slight reserve as if he’s not sure if he’s allowed to ask and doesn’t expect to get what he asks for. He has never asked for something different to what he was offered. Clearly the changes are deeper and more subtle than I had realised.

We sit at the kitchen table and everyone tries not to stare at Silver. Jake comes down, ostensibly to get a drink but clearly to take a look for himself. He grins. “Cool.” He says. “Way cool.” And then he disappears again.

“I want to say I’m sorry Sam. You did so much for me and I caused you trouble. I didn’t mean to fall apart and I didn’t mean to run away from your party. I’m sorry.”

“Wait,” Sam says firmly. “Let’s get one thing straight right from the start. You haven’t caused me, us, any trouble at all. The only thing that troubled us was seeing you in so much pain and that wasn't your fault. I kept trying to knock some sense into River’s hard head but it took some doing.”

“Don't worry, Sam, it got there in the end. I’m just sorry it took this to make me realise how precious he is to me and how close I came to destroying the best thing I ever had. I won’t do it again. I won't let him go again.” I turn to Silver, who is glowing and lace our fingers together on the table. “I won’t let you go again.” When his beautiful silver eyes meet mine I feel complete.

“You just listen to your uncle Sam, and you won’t go far wrong.”

“I’ll remember that, Sam.” I grin at him.

“So what have you been doing with yourself these last few weeks, Silver?” Hester asks smiling. “You look well.”

“I’m better than that.” He gives them a warm smile then he looks at me uncertainly. “Can I tell them? You won’t mind?”

“Of course I don’t mind.” Although, I have to admit that, as much as I thought I didn’t mind, when he starts to talk about his adventures with an easy openness, telling them the potted version of pretty much everything he told me, I do mind. I mind that he talks animatedly about the dance, about his friends, about Ash and what they had all done for him.

He is animated and sounds excited, telling us about the shopping trip, the costumes, how pleased he was to meet Ash and know he completely understood him because he had been through the same things. He speaks like a child, about an exciting vacation. It’s as if, having told me and knowing I’m okay with it he doesn’t have to hold anything back. I suppose he’s right, at least he should be.

I flinch when he speaks about Ash, I can’t help it. He’s openly enthusiastic, his voice bright with love. It is hard not to show how I‘m feeling. When he speaks about how Ash had helped him and how, bit by bit, Ash had brought about the healing I had been unable to, and had actually got in the way of, it almost breaks my heart.

Once or twice Sam catches my eyes but he doesn’t say anything and Silver doesn’t seem to notice. He continues to talk with more confidence than I have seen in him before. And then he grows sober and angry when he talks about when Ariel was attacked and almost breaks down completely when he gets to the end. Only then does he glance around uncertainty as if seeking reassurance and approval.

Hester smiles kindly. “It sounds like you had quite an adventure. I’m not going to lecture you about how badly it could all have gone horribly wrong because you were lucky with your choice. But, as glad as I am that it turned out well in the end I have to beg you, please don’t do anything like that again.”

Her voice is light but I see Sam flinch and squeeze her hand under the table. For a moment she looks surprised and then she gasps. “Oh Silver, I am so sorry. I didn’t mean...”

He looks at her thoughtfully. “I know what you mean,” he says carefully, nodding. “And for me it did turn out well. I learned a lot.” I force myself to smile but it isn’t easy. Silver seems not to notice, and he takes on a distant look, very thoughtful. “And at the end, the very end Asher died for me. He said... he said that it made his whole life worth something. I don’t believe that. I mean I don’t believe that his life wasn’t worth something before, but he believed it. He died believing that he had something good, something that completed him, and that was good – at least it was good for me.

“Although it was hard at the time, hard to know that there are people in my life, people I loved, who died because of me but...” He looks at me with shining eyes. “River made me see that wasn’t a bad thing either. I am not going to let their lives be wasted. I am going to make sure that I have a good life, that I achieve something to make it all worthwhile. It’s what they would have wanted; David and Ash. I can't let Ash have died for nothing; he’s too special.”

He speaks with conviction, no longer seeking approval or permission and I am proud of him even though his words break my heart. Sam and Hester are a little stunned but then Hester smiles and pats him again. “Your life was always worth something hun. It was worth a lot, but it’s wonderful that you want to live it to the full. You’ve woken up at last.”

Silver stares at her, his eyes wide. “Yes, that’s what it feels like, like I’ve woken up.”

The door opens, disturbing the moment and Ben sticks his head round. “Aren’t you finished talking to the grown ups yet? We’re waiting for you.”

Silver laughs lightly. “Sure. I wouldn’t want to keep you waiting now would I? I’d never know what plans you would hatch up.” With a nod and a smile Silver gets up and follows Ben. I can’t take my eyes off him until the door closes.

For a while there is silence. “Quite a change.” Hester comments unnecessary after a while, breaking the silence.

“In so many ways. I’m still working it out. He surprises me on an hourly basis.” I try to keep my voice light but Sam frowns.

“How do you feel about all this? The things that happened? The way he speaks about it all, about Ash?”

“Honestly? I don’t know. I’m not angry with him. I completely understand why he had to do what he did but it’s still hard. He’s changed so much in such a short time and it’s all because he fell in love with someone else who did so much more for him in 2 weeks than I did in 4 months. I know I was holding him back, keeping him locked inside a cocoon but still...”

“I can understand why it’s hard River. I think you’re dealing with it very well but I think you should talk to him about how you feel.”

“I can’t. You’ve seen how he is, how happy and confident he is. How can I take that away from him?”

“Are you so sure that you would? You’re dusting off that cocoon again River. He needs to live fully in the real world now and you can’t protect him from that. He’s had it just about as real as it comes and if you don’t respect that, treat him as an adult now and start communicating with him as such then you’re going to drive him away again.”

I stare at Sam, the gnawing fear I have been feeling so often lately, twisting my gut again. “I know.”

“If you don’t get this out in the open, it will eat away at you. If he doesn’t know he’ll carry on talking openly about Ash and it will kill you.”

“I can’t stop him talking about Ash, that wouldn’t be fair. You saw how animated he is, how determined that he is not going push him aside, not forget him.”

“I’m not suggesting that you tell him not to talk about Ash, but I think you should talk to him about how hard it is for you to hear it. If you don’t, then he will think that it’s okay. He’ll say what he pleases and it will all end in disaster.”

“I’ll think about it.”

“I thought you said you were going to listen to me from now on.”

I smile, or at least I try to through the thoughts whirring in my brain. “I am trying, Sam.”

“Yes, you are.” He says dryly.

“He’s certainly changed, River.” Hester says carefully. “His appearance is... startling.”

“You should have seen him with his make up and leather on.”

Her eyes widen. “No.”

“Oh yes.” Sam says. “He was pretty impressive, even though not at his best.”

I smile at the memory. “His eyeliner was running down his face and he had so much leather and silver on his arms I was surprised he didn’t fall over.” Something about that statement bothers me. “He was wearing everything he owned.” I say suddenly, completely shocked. “Because he knew he wasn’t going back. Even if he hadn’t seen me in the hospital, he wasn’t going back. He WAS coming home to me.”

I don’t know what it was that flipped the switch for me but suddenly I am weeping inconsolably, although both Sam and Hester try.

By the time Silver comes down I am calm again although he narrows his eyes at my puffy face. He doesn’t say anything though, not until we are in the car on the way home. Home, yes it feels like home again. Maybe Silver was right... home is not a place it’s the people in it.

“You’ve been crying.” His voice startles me.

“Yes.”

“Why?”

“Because Sam made me think and it’s never comfortable when he does that.”

“What did he make you think about?” His voice is teasing but his eyes are serious.

“You, of course.”

“Why did thinking of me make you cry?”

“It didn’t, not as such. I just realised some things.”

“Like what?”

“God, Silver, when did you get to be so annoying?” I didn’t mean it to come out so angry. I am instantly horrified and am about to say something, when Silver surprises me again. He laughs

“Not annoying, persistent.”

For a moment I am struck dumb then I laugh too. Having entirely adult conversations with Silver is something else I am going to have to get used to. I mean we had adult conversations before, very adult conversations, but they were always... careful. I have always been super aware of things that might upset or unsettle him, things he wouldn’t understand, things he would be hurt by. And he was always hesitant, puzzled and nervous of the world. He would look at me with his head titled to one side and his hair falling over his face and smile the shy smile and I would veer away from anything... hard. And now...