Enigma II. Fighting the Man - 33. Chapter 33 - Love Lost And Love Found

For a moment, Asher doesn’t move. He continues to stare into the room and everyone shuffles uncertainly.

“Ash?” Ariel asks, his voice and eyes full of fear. He pushes past Alex, into the room, looks up at Asher and starts to cry: that’s all; just stands there and starts to cry.

“Shh.” Ash says softly. “It’s going to be alright.”

For a moment, just for a moment, I believe him. Then he turns, very slowly, raising his hand to touch my face. The fingers are trembling, but only a little. His eyes are wide, a pure, glowing amber and he is smiling.

“I’m not sorry, Silver. I’m not sorry at all. Please don’t ever, e...ever...ev...” with a sigh his strength gives out and he falls. Ariel screams but I don’t hear it. Dropping to my knees, I draw him into my arms and try not to look at the obscene knife protruding from his ribs or the blood that is soaking into the shirt he has thrown on over his costume.

I focus on his face. He is still smiling and, remarkably his eyes are still bright and alert.

“Why?”

“Because otherwise it would have been you.”

“So?”

“I would have died anyway, Silver. If I had watched you die when I could have stopped it... I would have died inside.”

“Don’t you think that’s how I feel?”

“No.” He raises his hand again and tucks a strand of my hair behind my ear. “You have somewhere else to go. You have a home. I don’t; I never did... not until... until...” Tears are rolling down his cheeks now. “You are the only home I have ever known. If you had died I would have had none. But you do have a home, Silver, you always have and this... me... has never been it.”

“But I...”

“Listen to me. You are better than me. You have always been better than me. I have lived more since you have been here, than in all of the rest of my life. I have loved you more than anyone ever... more than myself. I’m not sad about this, Silver; I’m glad. My life has never been worth very much, not to anyone... except you.

“This has never been your home and I have always known that one day you would go back, that I would lose you. Now, I never will. To give my life for you; to die that you can live... it’s more than I could ever have hoped for, more than this miserable life is worth.”

“Don’t. Please don’t.”

He knows what I am asking. I would not insult him by suggesting that things are other than they are.

“I have to, and you have to listen. You can't spoil the rest of your life because of me. I haven't saved you to doom you. I know you, Silver; perhaps better than you know yourself.” He coughs and blood runs thickly from the corner of his mouth. “I don’t have much time and I have to know... I have to be sure that you are going to be alright. Don’t throw my gift back in my face. Promise me.”

I know what he’s asking and it seems too much; far too much. Too many people have died because of me. David died because of me. Faith died because of me; alright he was not loss but still... And now... now...

“You’re worth it, Silver. Every moment of pain, ever second...” he swallows and a shadow passes over his face. “Please make my life worth something. Please go back... home.”

“I don’t know if I can, not now.”

“Of course you can. He... he’s... a lucky man.” He takes a breath but I don’t know what he was going to say because... because...

I stroke his hair. It is so soft, so beautiful. I suppose you never truly value what you have until you lose it. David... River... and now... I’m more confused than ever. I thought I knew what I wanted. I was going back to River but... I didn’t realise how much I love Asher. How can I ever love anyone else when he... when he...?

I can’t make thoughts any more. It’s as if my whole life, my whole being is fixed here in this place, staring into those beautiful eyes that no longer stare back at me but somewhere completely different.

“I promise, Ash. I promise to make it count. I love you. Thank you.” I lean forward and kiss him. I don’t care about the blood. I don’t care about the pain. I don’t care that there is someone trying to pull me away. All I care about is that for this moment, this one moment; my whole life; my whole being is his.

And then he is gone. They are taking him away from me and me away from him. I don’t resist. I think I have stepped out of the world for a while. I can’t think; can’t feel. Ariel is sobbing uncontrollably and throws himself into my arms. I hold him, automatically soothing him, turning my back on everything and everyone else. I focus on the snow white hair; so long, so soft so... different.

I barely hear it when they come and take him away. I shut out Tony’s voice; everyone’s. No one comes near. No one speaks to me or touches me. I think they know. After a time Ariel grows quiet but I don’t let go and he doesn’t try to break away.

“Silver,” he whispers eventually. I pull away a little to look down into his face. I smile a little but it doesn’t come from anywhere inside. It can’t because the inside is dead. “Are you alright?”

Am I? Of course I’m not. How could he ask me if I’m alright when...? I force down anger he doesn’t deserve. Anger? Maybe I am alive then, after all.

“No. I’m not alright Ariel. I’m really not alright.” I am not going to hide it from him. I would never lie to him.

“Will you take me to the hospital?”

“Why? Are you hurt?”

“No. I... I want to be there... with him.”

“With who?”

“Ash, of course. I want to be there with Ash. I don’t... I don’t want him to be alone.”

“Ariel... You can’t be with Ash. None of us can. Not any more.”

“He isn’t dead, Silver,” he says stubbornly, knowing I am going to argue with him.

“Ariel...”

“No, Silver. He isn’t dead. I know he isn’t dead. When... when they took him away they hooked him up to all kinds of things and they wouldn’t have done that if he was dead. Please Silver, please go with me.”

“How can I tell him? How can I crush that look by telling him that, no matter what is happening to his body right now, the thing that was Ash is gone, dead? I can’t.

“Alright, Ariel. Let me get dressed and I’ll take you.” My voice is cold and dead. I notice Ariel flinch at the sound of it but I am powerless to warm it up. There is no warmth in me at all. I haven’t shed a tear for the same reason. They are frozen inside me.

I am surprised, when we part, to find that there is blood on me. There is a lot of blood on me. It makes me feel instantly sick. I make it to the bathroom... just; stumbling up the stairs. Ariel runs after me but I lock him outside. I don’t want anyone near me as I first throw up and then shower.

When I come out they are all waiting and their eyes scour me. I look at them all, one by one. “Thank you.” I say softly and we all know it means ‘goodbye’. No one moves as I walk across the floor to the stairs. It seems like a long way.

“Silver.” I turn, surprised. It is Liam. Our eyes meet and then he is moving; they are all moving. I am overwhelmed.

We hug for a time and then, silently, they let me go. I dress in my best clothes, ones that Ariel bought me. So what if leather trousers are not appropriate for a hospital visit. I know that I will never come back here and so I wear everything I want to take with me. I fasten my favourite necklaces around my neck and snap or buckle my favourite wrist bands, vembrace and arm bands. But I only wear one ring.

Pulling on high leather boots and my long coat I take a final look around ‘my’ room, which has never been home and close the door with a firm click behind me.

Ariel is in the bar, sitting on a stool and drinking neat whisky. For such a small frame, it could sure hold a lot of whiskey. I, myself, avoid alcohol. It makes me feel weird and I’m always ill afterwards.

“Are you ready?”

“You look nice.”

“How are we going to get there?”

“I’ll borrow Tony’s car. He can drive it back.”

“Can you drive?”

He gives me a strange look. “I’m not a child. I know that sometimes I look like one but I’m not, I’m not a child, Silver.”

This time the smile is genuine. “I know you’re not, Ariel.”

He drives well, surprisingly aggressive, and it takes no time to get to the hospital. It might as well have been a hundred miles. The numbness is still there, the tears locked up tight inside. I am an animated shell as we walk across the cold concrete to the doors. There is life everywhere. People coming and going: chatting and laughing, weeping and hurting. Ambulances come and go, screaming on the way in and silent going out again. The paramedics are relaxed and easy. This is their environment and they are able to laugh and joke, immune to the dramas going on behind the glass and chrome doors.

I put my arm around Ariel’s shoulders and he feels so slender that if I hold him too tight he will break. He rests his head on my shoulders and his hair tickles me. I sigh and let my feet drag me towards the door.

Inside, the noise hits us instantly and is a complete surprise. I have always thought that a hospital is quiet; the parts that I have been to have been quiet. This is not quiet. It is full of noise. Nurses calling out names; people talking and shouting; children running around; a television blaring in the corner; a tannoy system blaring tinnily now and again. It’s a good thing I’m not so much afraid of people any more. Even so I am decidedly nervous as my eyes scan the rows of plastic chairs.

It is Ariel who spots Tony and he slips from my hold and runs over. I stay where I am until Tony raises his eyes to mine. I have never seen him more lost. His face is grey and puffy from crying. His eyes are red rimmed and desperate. Ariel is chatting to him but he ignores him, his eyes locked with mine. He is pleading, begging for forgiveness which is not mine to give.

The eyes draw me in and, despite myself I walk across the floor and sink into a chair next to Tony, with my hands between my knees and my head low.

“I’m sorry, Silver.” Tony whispers in a voice that seems to hurt him to use.

“Sorry?”

“I... I was jealous. I thought... Before you came he was...”

“You were in love with him.” I say simply, making it easy for him.

“Yes, yes I was. From the moment I met him. I have always loved him but I didn’t want... I didn’t want what we did, to spoil it. It was only going to be for another few years. I have... I have been saving up to retire and then...”

“I know.”

“You do?” He sounds surprised. “How?”

“Ash knew.”

“Ah.” The silence stretches. “I felt threatened by you. I knew he was falling in love with you, right from the start. You were the same. You shared something I never could. And you are so beautiful...”

“He loved you too. He always knew I was going to leave him.”

“He did? You were?”

“You were good to me, Tony. You were all good to me but... this isn’t my home. He wasn’t my home.”

“I don’t understand.”

“No.”

“I’m sorry, Silver. This was my fault. I... I wanted to hurt you but I never... I never meant...”

I can’t help but look at him, my eyes wide with shock. He is shaking. He can’t hold my eyes. “You did it on purpose didn’t you? You sent that man to me knowing he would hurt me.”

He nods. “But I swear, I didn’t know he had a knife.”

“Oh well, that’s alright then.” I say sarcastically.

“Silver I...”

“Don’t Tony. I don’t want to hear it.” He needs to say it, he needs to offload his burden, he needs forgiveness. I can’t give him any of it. I don’t want to.

“Please, Silver.” Our eyes meet again.

“I can’t give you what you want, Tony. I can’t change it. I can’t forgive you. I can’t bring him back.”

“He’s not dead.” Tony says with a silent ‘yet’ on the end.

“I knew it. See, Silver, I told you. I told you he wasn’t dead.”

I look at Ariel. His face is full of hope. I wish I had room for hope. There is none. I have to turn my face away. Contemplating my shoes I shut out the world. I have to. There are too many people, too much noise. Suddenly it is all too much. It feels as if the walls are closing in.

It doesn’t register when the nurse calls a name. It means nothing to me until Tony stands up. “Wait here with Ariel.”

“But I want to...”

“Wait here, Ariel.” Tony says firmly. I look up and catch his eyes. He looks away. He knows.

Ariel snuggles up against my side and I hold on tight. He is cold, his body trembling like a willow in the wind. Awkwardly I slip off my coat and wrap it around him. He looks up at me, his eyes enormous.

“He’s gone isn’t he?” He whispers. I smile and draw his head down onto my shoulder wrapping my arms around him.

“He was gone from the start, Ariel. I saw it. I saw the light go out in his eyes.”

He starts to weep, his frail body shaking with violent sobs. I wrap my arms more tightly around him and hold him close.

The outer doors of the hospital burst open and a gurney is pushed through at high speed from the ambulance whose siren we can hear for the moment the doors are open. The paramedics hurry alongside and burly policemen followed. I wonder briefly what happened to the poor bugger on the trolley. It wasn’t good. It never is.

“Silver... why are you so calm? You’ve been calm right from the start. Why haven’t you cried? I know you loved him; I know you’re hurting so why aren’t you showing it?”

“I don’t know, Ariel. I feel empty inside, cold. I don’t feel as if there are any tears in me any more. I think that maybe when Ash... when he... I think that something inside me died too.”

“Don’t say that, Silver.” Ariel cries, so loudly that people turn to look at us. I don’t care and Ariel is oblivious as usual. “Don’t ever say that. You aren’t dead. You’re the most alive person I know.”

“I don’t know, Ariel.” I sigh. “I haven’t been truly alive for a long time.”

“Since you left River?”

“A long time before that. River made me feel alive, in a way, but it was...” I sigh deeply. How can I explain to him what I really don’t understand myself? “When they took me... when I was twelve... they stripped away everything I was. They killed me; they killed Matthew and I never really... The time I spent with River was...

“He’s beautiful, Ariel. He’s the most beautiful person ever. He’s good and kind and sweet. He’s so caring and genuine. He loved me completely. And I thought I loved him. But what I felt then, wasn't love, not really. It was dependence, and gratitude and affection, but I really didn’t know what love was, not until... until Ash.

“I think I’ve been asleep all of my life. I’ve lived in a half world; shut down, afraid. I haven’t had the capacity to love. How could I? I was dreaming.

“Ash woke me up, you all did. And now... now I do know how to love. I realised it yesterday. I’ve been playing with it, pushing it about, turning it over but never really seeing it. The feelings I had... have for River overwhelmed me and didn’t give me time to think, to... be myself, to find myself. Coming here... to you, falling in love with Ash...” I smile at him and bury my hand in his hair, wiping his tears with my thumb. “And loving you too.

“I’ve come to realise something I knew all along. What I felt for River wasn't love, not really, not then. I adored River, worshipped him, wanted to please him in every way. I depended on him and leaned on him... but I didn’t love him.” I take a deep breath and blink back the tears that finally burn my eyes. “Ash taught me how to love, Ariel. He let me love him naturally and equally with no boundaries. And I did... I do. I love Ash but the main thing he taught me... that he made me realise and remember is that I... I love River more.”

“I thought you said you didn’t love him.”

“I didn’t, not then. Then it wasn’t love. Before it could be love I had to find myself, and now I have... now it’s love.”

“I don’t understand.”

“No. I don’t suppose you do. I don’t really understand myself, at least I didn’t until now.”

“You’re crazy do you know that?”

“I’ve begun to wonder.”

Ariel smiles a watery smile and then his eyes slide over my shoulder and he freezes. I know what he’s seeing and I have no desire to turn.

Where we are sitting there are two rows of chair facing each other and Tony sits down across from us. Ariel has not taken his eyes off him. I drag my eyes up to his and, although I already know, it doesn’t make it any easier to see it in his face.

“Do I really have to say it?”

I shake my head and Ariel throws his arms around me and howls. For a moment I hold Tony’s eyes and then I lower my face to rest on Ariel’s head and finally allow myself to weep.

I don’t know what makes me look up. I don’t know how long we’ve been here. I do know that I feel exhausted and can hardly lift my head. Tony is kneeling on the floor, holding both of us and, for now, I let him. I think Ariel might be asleep. Tony is murmuring something about going home. I don’t want to go. It isn’t my home. But what else can I do?

And then I look up and meet the eyes of one of the policemen who had come in with the gurney what... five minutes, an hour, half a day ago. A shock of recognition courses through me.

“Sam.” The word slips out without me realising it. It is very soft but it makes both Ariel and Tony look up at me. There must have been something in the tone of my voice. I don’t know how I feel. I am trembling inside. Here I am at possibly my lowest ebb, not knowing what to do next, where to go and here he is. He’s always been my rock but this time...

I don’t know whether to run to him or run away. I don’t know... And then... and then... Sam glances to his left towards the doors which are closing behind the person who had just come in. The flash of chestnut causes my stomach to lurch and I am almost sick. For the briefest moment I think ‘Asher’ but then my numb mind allows me to think ‘River’.

He walks uncertainly over to Sam. His shoulders are slumped and he doesn’t look like himself.

“Silver?” Ariel puts a hand on my arm but I don’t notice. My attention is elsewhere.

River speaks to Sam for a moment and then he turns. At first his eyes slide over me and my heart plummets but then they snap back and meet mine. The look that breaks over his face is... It makes me feel... He looks scared, uncertain. I know how he feels. He is afraid to move, to walk forward, to drop the eye contact. He is terrified that if he does any of them I will run and he will lose me again. I know he feels this because I am feeling it too.

I get to my feet without realising I am doing it, utterly oblivious to Ariel and Tony, to the scores of eyes who turn to me. I see only one thing and it is finally moving towards me. There is something in his look; the shadows in his eyes, the slump of his shoulders, the desperate hope on his face, that turn a key in my heart and somehow I am flying.

River stands still in shock and is almost knocked over, as I hurtle into his arms. I completely forget that he doesn’t love me any more. I completely forget that I ran away from him. He is here and I am here and it’s right, it’s just right.

I am enfolded in his arms and smell his smell again. I didn’t know how much I’ve missed it.

“River.” It’s all I can say before I break down again and sob into his hair. All I hear is a whisper.

“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”And then he is crying too, holding on to me as if he is drowning. “Oh God Silver, Silver I love you. I thought I’d lost you. I thought I’d never see you again. I love you. Please don’t go away again. Don't leave me.”

I am stunned. I look up into his face, his beautiful face and I see the love shine from his eyes, from behind the shadows and the pain. He loves me.