Enigma II. Fighting the Man - 38. Chapter 38 - The Funeral

River isn’t speaking to me. Oh, I don’t mean that we’ve had a row or anything, he’s just not speaking. Before we left I asked him again if he was sure he wanted to come and he swore to me he was, that he wanted to be there for me, but the look in his eyes didn’t match the words coming out of his mouth.

I know he doesn’t like the way I look. It felt important to me to wear the clothes they’d bought me, Ariel and Asher. So I did. I’ve bought some new cosmetics, although River wasn’t keen, and this time I made sure they are waterproof. Of course I didn’t wear everything, I chose my favourite things. Of course I’m wearing my ring. I will never take that off, never. It reminds me every day of what he taught me, what he did for me.

I feel as if I am growing stronger and more certain of myself every day. There’s a long way to go, I know that: I know that I still don’t understand the world; I don’t understand me. The difference is that now I know I can. The problem is that Asher gave me the confidence to be myself and River doesn’t seem to want to let me. That makes me sad but I don’t know what I can do about it. River is still so protective, still finds it easier to treat me like a fragile china doll than an equal.

I think it’s getting better but it’s hard to tell. I can't remember now what I was like before. I don’t want to go back to that. I don’t want to be that person, the one who was so lost and confused, so scared of everything because he was so unsure of himself. I don’t want to be the lost boy who didn’t know who he was. I know who I am now. I’m Silver. I'm strong and I’m proud of who I am including everything that I have been through to make me who I am.

Sometimes it almost feels as if I am fighting with River to let me be that person. The problem is that I completely understand. He has spent so much time taking care of me he doesn’t know how to stop; and part of the problem is that he can’t stop; not completely. I’m getting stronger but I’m not there yet. I still need to be taken care of and I hate it but he’s not giving me the space to grow. And then there was all the suffering he went through when I left. I can't blame him for wanting to do everything he can to make me happy, to make sure I stay. The thing is... the thing is that it’s that very thing that is making me wonder if I have made a mistake.

I want to be with River. I love him more than ever and I now know what it’s like to be without him. It’s hell. But sometimes... sometimes it feels like hell being with him too. I feel really bad for thinking that because I know he’s trying his best and it is getting better... mostly. I don’t know what to do and I’m in no place to think about it today. I thrust the thoughts out of my head and focus on what’s important in the right now

As soon as my mind touches on where we’re going, I feel sick. There is a tiny part of me that wishes I could go back, that it could be just us, just me and Ash... and maybe Ariel. I think that it would be idyllic and we would be happy together... and then I think that I’ve thought that before and it didn’t work then and it wouldn’t have worked for us either. Isn’t that why I had decided to go back to River? Isn’t that why I was going to say goodbye to them all? Besides, Asher is gone and there’s no going back from that.

Asher is gone.

I bite my lip and try to stop the tears. I know it’s silly but I get the feeling that River has a problem with me crying for Ash. It’s not that he’s said anything, well not really. He has kind of tried to push it aside, saying things like; ‘the past is past’ and ‘it’s time to move on now’ and even ‘he wouldn’t have wanted to see you like this’. I get angry with that. How the hell would he know what Ash would have wanted and I am sure that he wouldn’t have wanted me to just push him aside, get on with it and forget him? I will not forget him. I will not let go of him.

The flash of anger drives away the tears for now and I look out of the window at the scenery that comes and goes, fleeting as a life. One minute it is beautiful houses and the next derelict warehouses. How quickly they change from one to another, just like the way a person can be so full of passion and life one minute and the next just an empty shell.

The derelict warehouses give way to fields. Tony’s taken him back to the country. He’s going to be buried in a little church near Tony’s house, the place where Ash was happiest. Ariel rang me last night to see how the Assessment went and to give me the last minute details. I could hardly make out half of what he said because he was crying so much. That’s Ariel... he blows with the wind, carried on his emotions. I don’t know anyone who ‘feels’ as much as he does.

He told me that Tony’s retiring. He has no heart for the club any more. He’s going home to be close to Ash. I felt sad about that, although I understand, of course I do. I can so completely understand how someone could love him, could not bear to leave him behind, could want to stay close to him. Isn’t that why I keep touching the ring?

I look at it and the chips of ruby seem to wink at me. The silver is shiny and bright where I have rubbed it so much. River is right. Silver is soft and already some of the lines are looking as if they are blurring. My owl is slowly disappearing... like me. Now where did that come from? I don’t feel as if I am disappearing... do I? I’m more comfortable in my skin than ever, more sure of who I am... aren’t I? I was.

I look up at River and he smiles at me. The smile is a little blurred. This has been hard on him. This has all been hard on him but... but it has been hard on me too and I don’t think it is actually getting any easier. When we get back from the funeral, I have to talk to River. I can’t feel like this anymore. I can't feel that I am losing what I gained. I don’t want to. I want to love River and be loved by him without having to constantly battle to be allowed to be myself.

I chew on my lips and look up at River wondering if he knows what I am thinking. He looks tense and sad and ... something. It must be difficult for him. He is going out into the middle of nowhere to meet people he doesn’t know and say goodbye to someone he doesn’t even like. A feeling like a huge ache takes possession of my body, as I am swamped with hopelessness.

River is never going to know Ash, to know what a special person he was. He is never going to see his smile or hear his voice. He is never going to look into his eyes or touch his hair or... or... And neither am I.

The worst thing is that I can't explain this to River. I can't talk to him about Ash, to make him feel as if he knows him, to make him understand. He says that I can but I see the look in his eyes whenever I mention his name. It hurts him. I know it does. And that hurts me. But it hurts me more to keep it all inside, to not be able to tell anyone how much I miss him, how much I loved him and still do.

“Are you okay?”

“No.”

“I figured.”

“You did?” I’m surprised. River doesn’t seem to have any idea how I am feeling these days, at least he doesn’t seem to want to show it. Sometimes I wonder if he’s afraid of my feelings, especially when they relate to my past.

“Of course I did. You haven’t said a word for almost two hours and you’re playing with your ring. I know you’re thinking about...him when you play with your ring.”

“I don’t think it’s surprising that I'm thinking of Ash, when we’re on our way to his funeral.” I didn’t mean my voice to be so cold... or did I?

River flinches as if I had slapped him, but he doesn’t say anything. I wish he would say something, anything. If only we could fight about it, scream out our feelings, field accusations and trade insults. If only we could get it out in the open and not keep dancing around each other. I am not used to this. I am not good at it. It hurts.

He looks so stiff and cold, staring straight ahead and not looking at me. I wish I knew what he is thinking. I wish I knew what he’s thinking of me. Does he still love me? Does he still want to be with me? Or is this pain tearing him apart as much as it is me, making him wonder if he’s doing the right thing, if maybe the love we used to share has gone cold, if we might be better off...

No. I’m not going to think that, not now. This is not the time to be examining my future but to be honouring my past. In some ways a whole period of my life is being buried with Ash. He went through the same things I did and he came out the other end far stronger than I did. He didn’t put it behind him as completely as many thought, Tony in particular, but he was strong enough to move on from it, to recognise that it was just something that happened to him and not the definition of who he is… was

That’s something that I am realising more and more as time goes on. My past is my past and not me. Silver is not a slave any more, not of the Master, not of himself and not of his need to love. I think that’s the thing that River is finding so hard. How many times has he told me that I am strong, that I can make it on my own, that I am more than that which I used to be? How many times has he spoken the words that were supposed to have comforted me, and did until I realised how empty they were?

He wanted me to be strong. He wanted me to be independent. He wanted me to stop being so innocent and helpless and frightened. But the moment I wasn’t... all those words suddenly meant nothing because now he doesn’t have to say them there aren’t any more waiting behind.

I want to be me. I just want to be me. I am tired of trying to be what other people want me to be, or expect me to be or believe me to be. Wasn’t it River who said that I should… that I should just be me? But that was before either of us knew who ‘me’ was.

The church is small and very pretty. There is a gravel space in front of the gate where some cars are pulled up. Not many. Not enough.

As soon as the car stops a wildcat appears from nowhere and throws himself into my arms. “Silver, oh Silver you came. I wasn't sure you would.”

“Silly.” I hold him off far enough that I can look into his face and grin at him. “I spoke to you last night and told you I would come.”

“I know but...” His eyes flick over my shoulder and I follow them. River is standing close to the car as if it affords him some security; an island in the quicksand. He looks very uncomfortable, his hands thrust into the pockets of his plain black suit. He looks out of place here where everyone is dressed like me... well apart from Ariel who is dressed like himself.

“He’ll be okay. How are you? You’ve lost weight. You didn’t have any spare to lose. Don’t you dare get ill, Ariel.”

“I won’t.” He smiles, then lowers his head and looks up at me through his lashes. He can’t help himself. He doesn’t even realise he’s doing it. Being seductive is so much part of who he is that it’s not a conscious effort at all. He looks so young and fragile that it brings out that strange protectiveness again, even though I know how deceptive it is. He is stronger than I will ever be.

“We’re taking over the bar, Silver. Tony is leaving as soon as he’s taught us how to run it and then it’s ours, all of us... you too if you want to.” I glance over my shoulder at River again. He is staring at us with veiled hostility on his face. He’s trying really hard but the point is that he is having to try. How would he feel about me being part owner of a place like that?”

“I don’t know. I’ll have to think about it.”

Ariel throws his arms around me and lifts himself up to kiss me lightly on the lips “I’ll keep your share safe for you until...” The little minx grins. “Until you stop being so pistol whipped.”

“Ariel,” I gasp, horrified. “That’s not true.”

“Isn’t it?” He’s serious now, his eyes soft and sympathetic. Is that how they feel about me? Sorry for me because I’ve gone back, sorry that I’m with... I stare at River with a frown on my face. Why should I be afraid of telling him about the club? Why should I feel guilty about the fact that I have kissed Ariel? Why should I have to look at the expression on his face and feel that I should somehow have to apologise?

My head hurts. Shaking it I slip one arm around Ariel’s waist and lead him over to River. River’s face is closed.

“This is Ariel.” I pretend not to see the look on his face; the way he looks at Ariel, at the way we have our arms around each other.

“Hi.”

Ariel, being Ariel is not in the slightest bit put off by River’s closed expression. Letting go of me he throws himself at River and hugs him close. River’s eyes go wide and meet mine over his head. I look away.

“River, it’s so fabulous to meet you. Silver loves you so much, it hurt him when you weren’t there. He’s beautiful isn’t he? All the way through. He saved me. He just threw himself at this huge man who was raping me and beat him to hell. I don’t know what would have happened if Silver hadn’t come. I would have fought him until he killed me.” He turns and grins at me with his open, innocent expression. “But I didn’t have to. Silver saved me.”

River looks stunned. This time I can quite understand it. To have someone who looks so young and delicate, to speak so openly and freely and simply about rape and death would have been a shock to anyone. I had thought that River would be used to it by now.

“Oh. Well that... that was lucky.”

Ariel gives him a strange, thoughtful look. “No. It wasn’t lucky. It’s what Silver does. He saves people.”

I smile shyly. This is embarrassing me now and I have a feeling that River won’t understand and that I’ll suffer for it later.

“Come on, it’s cold, let’s get inside.”

“It’s no warmer in there and... and...” Ariel looks up at me with tears in his eyes. “He’s in there.” I don’t have to ask who.

Without speaking I nod and start to walk towards the church. I couldn’t stop now if my life depended on it. “Silver, I’m scared.” Ariel says in a little voice, his hand sliding into mine.

“Scared? What are you scared of?”

“Him.”

I turn and put my hands either side of his face. “Don’t be afraid of him, Ariel. Don’t ever, ever be afraid of him, I couldn’t stand that.”

Arial bites his lip and nods. “Are we going to see him now?”

“Of course. As if I wouldn’t. That’s what we’re here for... to say goodbye and I want to do it properly.”

“Can I hold your hand?”

“Of course.” There is something in my mind that tells me I should have asked River first but that’s just stupid. Why would I need him to give me permission to comfort my friends who are in pain? Maybe I should have.

Shaking the uncomfortable thoughts out of my head, I hold Ariel tightly by the hand and walk along the crunchy gravel to the porch of the church. I don’t even look at River. I assume he is following me but he’s not really part of this.

They’re all here, and a few people I don’t know too; men in suits, all the same. The looks on their faces are all the same too. I can’t explain it but I suddenly feel a sense of belonging. All of these people are here for the same reason I am. They are all feeling like I am. They knew him; they knew what he was and they know what I am and look at me with understanding. Even though my heart is in my mouth, pounding as if it is going to break out, I feel comforted and comfortable, more so than I have for a long time.

Someone slips their hand into mine. It feels warm and strong. I look up in surprise. Why am I even more surprised that it’s River? I shouldn’t be this surprised that it’s River. Tears sting my eyes and it has nothing to do with Asher.

Everyone parts for us as we walk through the porch and into the church. It is cool and dim in here. It feels holy. I have never so much as considered whether or not there is a God. If he is anywhere he is here, but not because it’s a church.

There is someone standing at the front of the church, just standing and staring, not even staring AT anything much, just staring. He looks up when we approach.

He doesn’t look like Tony. I am shocked. In this moment I realise something that utterly shocks me. He loved him. Tony loved Asher more profoundly and deeply than I ever had or ever could. What have I done?

“Tony I... I...”

He looks up and smiles at me. Our eyes meet and I know he understands. He sees what I have seen and he knows I understand. He could have been angry with me. He could have ignored me. He could have hated me. He doesn’t. He smiles at me.

“Hello, Silver,” he says softly. “I’m glad you came.”

“How could I not have come? I... I’m sorry Tony. I'm really sorry. I didn’t understand. I never understood.”

Tony walks from behind the casket and puts his hand on my shoulder. I almost cringe away at the look in his eyes. I don’t deserve that kind of look.

“You made him happy, Silver. You understood him like I never could have and you make him happy like I never did. How can I not thank you for that? How can I not...? You were a good friend to him, Silver, the best. You changed him, made him more than he was. Yes, I was angry, I was jealous... and I paid for it. I realise that now.

“That’s why I have to leave the club. I always swore that I would take care of my boys, all of them; that I would protect them and give them a safe home. And I tried my best to do that. But the fact is that I failed. With Ariel, with you, with Ash... and the worst of all is that I did it deliberately. I can’t let myself become the kind of person who would do that. It would be a disgrace to his memory if I did.

“I am going to come back here and be close to him. I can remember him here, the way he was back then. I should never have taken him to the city. It changed him. You should have seen him when he was here Silver... so free; so beautiful, so wild. I took it away from him and that took him away from me. It was all me. I have no one else to blame.”

Tony grabs me and pulls me close, hugging me hard. “Do me a favour, Silver. Don’t throw away your life with someone like me, like he did. Never make do. Make your life the best it possible can be. You can be great; you can do things with your life; you can do anything. Do it... do it for him.”

“I...” I don’t know if I can do this. For the first time I am really not sure I can do this. Tony pulls back and puts his hands on my shoulders.

“I mean it, Silver. You are an amazing person. You affect the world and the people around you, more than anyone I have ever known. Don’t waste that. Go out there blazing. Don’t accept compromise, nothing but the best is good enough. Don’t let the world bring you down, not when you can bring it up. Promise me you’ll make your life mean something.”

“I...” I’m sounding like a total idiot but the truth is I can’t trust myself to speak so I bite my lips and nod. He pulls me close, roughly hugs me then lets me go and walks on down the aisle to speak to the huddle of people in the porch. There is a kind of resigned sadness that has broken through to calmness and I envy him. On the outside I am calm and serene, just as I have been taught. Show no emotion, be calm at all costs. But on the inside...

The few steps that it takes to bring me to the side of the casket are the longest I have ever taken. My hands are shaking as I lay them on the cool wood. He is beautiful. I don’t know why it surprises me but he looks just the same. There is a strange peace about him though. Ash was never peaceful. Even when he was asleep there was a frenetic energy about him... the beast contained. I have to smile at that. That’s what I am... right now... the beast contained.

I could scream. I could pull him out, hold him close and tear out the hearts of anyone who tried to take him away from me. For a blinding moment I can see myself doing it. I WANT to do it. But I won’t, I can't. If for nothing else I can’t do that to him. He is so beautiful and I don’t want to do anything to mar that, to break the illusion that he is just asleep.

He did this for me. He’s here because of me. This is... this is his gift – the greatest gift I have ever been given. I don’t want to leave him. I can’t bear the thought of the lid closing and shutting him into the darkness. I want to be there with him but of course I can’t. He is going somewhere I can follow, much as I want to.

“Are you alright?” I jump at the sound of his voice and his touch on my shoulder. I don’t know what he sees in my eyes when I look up but he takes a step back. I grip the edge of the casket trying to keep my equilibrium. I don’t want to snap at him. I don’t want to feel that he is intruding but he is. I don’t want him here. Here, I love Ash. This is for him, not for River and for a brief, shocking moment I hate him.

“Silver what...?”

“I’m sorry River.” I am surprised by how gentle and level my voice sounds. Inside I am a raging storm. “You startled me.”

River looks down at Ash and it feels wrong. “So this is Ash.” I grit my teeth and wish he would go away. “He’s very beautiful.”

“Yes.” He doesn’t know what to say. I know he’s trying but it’s wrong. I don’t want him here. He shouldn’t be here. This is not his world; it’s mine.

“I’m sorry, Silver. I’ve been... I think until right now it didn’t occur to me... It could have been you. If it hadn’t been for him, it could have been you.”

The emotion in his voice takes me by surprise and when I look into his face and see the way he is looking at Ash suddenly... It’s as if the two worlds come together and overlap. Tension leaks from me and I sag against him, resting my head on his shoulder.

“Will you stop hating him now?” This time my voice is shaking. I can't keep the screens up any more, not when River is holding me close like this and looking at me like that.

“I’ve never hated him, Silver. I’ve never hated any of them and I’m really sorry if I made you think that I did. I...” He lowers his head and stares at Ash, his eyes misting. “I thought I’d lost you. I drove you away and when you came back you didn’t need me any more. You’ve always been so strong and powerful. I knew it before but after... Since you’ve come back I haven’t... I haven’t known how to... You don’t need me any more. You don’t need anyone. I don’t know you and I don’t know how to deal with it.

“I know that I’m still treating you like I did before, no, worse. I’m treating you like a child and you’re not. You never were. I know that I’m not being fair to you but I’m lost. I don’t know how to handle it, how to handle you. I am trying and I know I haven’t been very good at it.”

Gently he turns me round to look into my eyes. “I’ve been pushing you away. Ever since you came back I’ve been pushing you away and I don’t know why. It isn't that I have a problem with what you were, what you did or who you did it with.” He stops and shakes his head. “I was jealous, Silver. Yes I was angry with Ash. I hated him. It wasn’t because he slept with you, or even because you loved him. It was because he gave you something that I never could. He gave you yourself. And then... and then he gave you his life. I could never compete with that.”

“Compete?” I’m really confused now. I don’t know what he’s talking about, although I like the way he’s saying it and I like the look in his eyes. I feel weak. “It was never a competition, River.”

“I know. It was a bad choice of words. I didn’t mean it as it sounds. I have been totally selfish. I hated the fact that he gave you everything I wanted to give you. He proved his love for you in a way that I never could. He took you into his heart when I pushed you away. He held you in the night when I made you sleep alone. He died for you when I couldn’t even live with you. I failed, Silver. I failed you and he... he didn’t.”

He doesn’t cry. His voice breaks but he doesn’t cry and I know why. It’s for me. He’s being strong for me. He’s being honest for me. He’s being weak for me. It was all for me, always.

“River... I don’t know what to say to you that will make you see the truth. I love you. I have always loved you. You gave me something that no one else could ever, ever give me.”

“What...?” He looks suspicious and confused and that hurt.

“You gave me River Caulfield.” He looks even more confused, lost like a little boy and my heart opens up like a flower. “You were the one who believed in me, River. Right back at the beginning when I was lost and hiding in my head, you believed in me, that there was a ‘me’ somewhere deep inside. You found me and brought me home and ever since then, you have loved me and done everything you could for me. You made bad choices. We all make bad choices but all the time you loved me. There is nothing more, that anyone could have given me.”

“Do you still love me, Silver?”

“Of course I still love you. I never stopped loving you. I just got... lost. I felt that... that you loved the person I used to be and it was that person who loved you. I didn’t know where the new ‘me’ fitted in.”

“There is only one you, Silver. There is no one else anywhere in the world who is quite like you, and I wouldn’t want you to be anything else than who you are. I just didn’t know how to say it. I didn’t know what you wanted to hear any more. I was so afraid that I was going to lose you again I... I tried to be what you wanted me to be and it...”

“It didn’t work.”

“No, it didn’t work.”

“And I was so sure that you didn’t want me the way I am, that you wanted to hold on to who I was, and I resented it. I resented the fact that you didn’t see the ‘me’ I am now, didn’t want it, didn’t believe in it.”

“I’ve always believed in you.”

“I know... now, I know.”

“Silver, I wouldn’t blame you if you walked away from me right now and never looked back. I wouldn’t blame you if you hated me for the way I’ve been treating you. But... but I love you more now than I ever have. I don’t... understand everything’s that happened to you, the way you’ve changed. I don’t feel... comfortable with some of the things you say, some of the things you do... your clothes and... But that’s good. I don’t have to be comfortable; I don’t want to be comfortable. When you get comfortable in a relationship, you get complacent, you forget to value the incredible human being you are sharing your life with.

“He was right. That man... he was right. You do light up world around you and you are going to keep doing that... with your art, your love, your soul. And of course it is not going to be comfortable to live with that burning light you shine on everyone around you. But I will always be there. I am incredibly proud of you Silver and I know I don’t say it enough but it’s true. I admire your strength and beauty. I admire your kindness and amazing talent. I admire the way you see good in everyone... even me. Most of all I admire the way you have reinvented yourself, emerged from the chrysalis like the most incredible butterfly. I was afraid you would fly away and leave me behind.”

“I would never leave you behind. I even tried but...” I can’t help but glance at Ash before looking back into River’s eyes. “It didn’t work.”

“And you won’t always be comparing me to him; won't grow to hate me because I could never be as good as him, never understand you the way he did, never give you what he gave you.”

“River...” Something like a shower of cold water washes over me, sending shivers down my spine. “Is that... is that what you’ve been thinking?”

He drops his eyes, the shiny red hair covering his face and a huge burden lifts off my shoulders. Burying my hands in his hair I lift his face. “I would never... ever, think that.” I cast around for words to explain. I don’t find any. “I loved Ash. I loved him because he held me in his arms when I needed holding, he understood me better than anyone else so he could help me find myself. I loved him because he lived for me and I loved him because he died for me. But... Even when I was with him... even when... even when I loved him I was never in love with him. I could never have been in love with him because I was, am and always will be in love with you.”

We are both crying and when he holds me it is like the sun comes out and warms me for the first time at the end of a long cold winter. River holds my hand tightly when I say goodbye to Ash. He says ‘thank you’ to him and rubs my back when I bend to kiss him. He’s cold. I knew he would be but it is still a shock. It makes me realise fully and absolutely. Ash is gone. But River isn’t.

I let River lead me back down the aisle to where Ariel is waiting. He looks up at us and smiles. He can see.

“I’m glad, Silver,” he says simply and wriggles between us, with one arm around each of our waists. River looks down a little stunned and then he laughs and ruffles Ariel’s hair.