Enigma II. Fighting the Man - 30. Chapter 30 - Changes. Shocks and Surprises

Ariel leads me along the pavement, back in the direction of the club to a shop that we must have passed but I simply hadn’t noticed. Why would I? It is unassuming on the outside and I am not even sure what kind of shop it is until I step through the door.

It’s a hairdresser’s. I have only ever, that I can remember, been to a hairdresser once. When I was with the Master I took care of my own hair. I took a long time over it so that it would look good. It was beautiful; strong and shiny and it swirled around me when I danced. I never told River how unhappy I was when it was cut off.

In the beginning, I wasn’t really in a position to say or do anything much about it but when I started to get better, I started to get sadder. River took me to a hairdresser, which wasn’t anything like this one and it was cut into quite a nice style, but one that simply isn’t me. It’s getting longer now but it still isn’t beautiful.

Ariel wanders off to speak to the man behind the counter, who has long hair dyed different shades of purple and blue. Ariel clearly knows him because they are soon in animated conversation and the sound of their laughter filters through the general babble of voices.

Asher flops down into one of the deep leather chairs and starts flicking through a magazine. I don’t sit down because I can’t move. I am assailed from all sides, my senses assaulted by sights, the dullness of the inky black walls, the gleam of chrome and the glitter of the many mirrors; smells, the sharp, sweet and pungent scents of things I have never smelled before and sounds, the babble of voices, the roar of hairdryers and the muted background music.

Overall, I am dazed and overawed by the experience and I can’t honestly say that it is a pleasant one. I am hardly aware when Ariel reappears at my elbow and steers me across the floor. I stumble in his wake casting pleading glances over my shoulder at Asher, which he ignores, smiling encouragingly.

“See? Didn’t I tell you? Isn’t he beautiful Ramon?”

The man with crazy hair is eating me with his eyes and I feel... strange. Excited, shy, powerful, aroused... all sorts of things that I would never have allowed myself to feel before. Shyly I smile and notice that it produces the same dazed expression and slight hesitation that I have noticed before. This time a warm glow spreads through me along with the realisation that I did that, I made people look like that with my smile.

“But how can I improve on perfection?” Ramon rumbles coming out from behind the desk. He turns me around and starts combing his fingers through my hair. I like the feeling and half close my eyes, enjoying it.

Suddenly the gentle caress of fingers through my hair brings me a flash of memory and for a brief instant it was someone else’s fingers. Tears blur my eyes and I blink them fully open reaching out desperately into the room around me for distractions, anything to stop me thinking of him. Why am I always thinking of him?

“I know he’s perfect, but I want you to make him fabulous.”

“Ah well... if you’re looking for fabulous...” Ramon grins, flashing very white teeth.

Before I quite know it I am dressed in a strange black robe thing, bent over backwards with some pale young elf vigorously soaping my hair while chatting even faster than Ariel, thankfully not stopping long enough for me to answer because I am entirely incapable of following the flow of words and wouldn’t have had the first idea of what to say.

When the elf has finished, Ramon looks at me thoughtfully for a few minutes, playing with my hair; flicking it up, testing its weight, pulling it down on either side of my face. I watch impassively not having a clue as to what he is doing and why.

He startles me when suddenly he stands up and clicks his fingers. It seems to me as if people run from everywhere and he starts dishing out orders. I am picked up by a whirlwind and flung about like a flag in the wind. My hair is teased and piled, painted with chemicals that sting my eyes and wrapped in foil. I am then forgotten and left alone.

I look over towards Asher who puts down his magazine and wanders over.

“You look like an alien.”

“I do?” I try to look over my shoulder into the mirror but Asher tuts at me. I have been banned from mirrors until it is all done.

“The sweetest alien I have ever seen.” He murmurs and bends down to kiss the tip of my nose. We are interrupted by Ariel who bubbles over with excitement. His enthusiasm is infectious although I am not quite sure what I am being enthusiastic about.

After what seems like a very, very long time Ramon wanders over in a careless, almost random way and starts poking about at the foil. He calls over the elf, who bears me away to the sink and washes me down, again chatting but more quietly this time, although maybe it just seems quiet after Ariel.

Then they go through the whole process again with something that looks like tomato sauce and smells a whole lot better than the last one.

When I am washed off... again... Ramon takes over and starts snipping away. Then he dries my hair with a hairdryer that I think is about to take my head off, and then snips artfully at me again and again. I begin to wonder whether I am going to have any hair left. I am getting distinctly nervous now.

Ariel is getting more and more excited and when I look over at Asher he seems pleased, at least not horrified and so I am not as scared as I might have been, still I am both longing and dreading to look in the mirror, which I am still not being allowed to do.

Ramon finally stops snipping, rubs something that smells nice through my hair and then does something I don’t really understand. It tugs at my hair but doesn’t hurt. It takes a while to recognise the touch of a pair of straighteners. It’s weird how different things feel, when you are not looking at them.

“Are you ready to see the new you?” Ramon asks at last and I nod nervously. Although I have resisted the temptation to blatantly look it’s hard not to see your own hair and I have caught brief flashes of brightness. I am not therefore as shocked as I might have been when I finally lay eyes on the man in the mirror.

He looks shocked. I barely recognise him. I can’t take it in. My mind freezes, it won’t process what my eyes are seeing. My first thought, bizarrely is... who’s that? Am I supposed to know this wild creature looking back at me?

My eyes are enormous, like silver disks which seem to be made of the same material as that which encircles my finger.

My face looks as if it is a different shape. Surely my eyes are larger, my skin paler, my lips fuller. I keep staring at it, my face, because I can’t cope with looking at what surrounds it, not until I have to.

My hair is... still long, reaching to my breast bone and it still falls to one side to almost cover one eye. I am glad about that... what would I have done if they had taken away my safety curtain, what would have I have hidden behind when I was uncomfortable or scared?

It is not a single sheet of shining silk now, although it still has a high gloss. It is cut into layers in two separate and very different sections. The top one is still the same lustrous black, soaking in the light and reflecting it back darkly. It falls like a tattered handkerchief, over the other section, which is longer and stands out brightly, sharply contrasting the black.

In complete shock I lift my hand watching the man in the mirror take a section of crimson silk and twirl it around his finger. My hair looks as if it is on fire, bright glowing flames that lick up from below.

“Well?” Ariel demands. “Do you like it?”

“I... I don’t...”

“You don’t like it? But Silver, it’s beautiful. I wanted it to be silver but your hair is too dark, it wouldn’t have taken properly, so I thought red would be so cool... and it is. But we can change it if you want. It can be any colour you like, or we can cut it again, if you want it to be different.” As Ariel prattles on I feel as if I am somehow removed from it, as if his voice is coming to me through filters. All I can do is stare at the man in the mirror, who stares back with glassy eyes filling with tears.

I begin to panic, my heart fluttering in my chest and my hands feeling sticky and sweaty. A strange feeling is creeping over me as if someone is pouring cold water down my back.

“Ariel. I don’t think it’s that he doesn’t like it. It’s just a bit of a shock, that’s all.”

I turn my head and the curtain swishes and swings. Looking up at him my heart starts to slow. Just seeing him makes me calmer. I am even able to smile.

“It... it’s lovely Ariel. I love it.”

Ariel throws his arms around me.

“I knew you would, Silver, I just knew it.”

Ramon helps me out of the gown thing I had been wearing and then he and Ariel drift off towards the desk leaving Asher and I alone. I am still in shock and I can’t work out what I am supposed to do next. What am I supposed to be doing?

Asher puts his arm around my shoulders. “I think it’s time we took you home.”

I close my eyes and lean my head against his shoulder. With my eyes closed the feeling of panic and tearfulness begins to ebb and I realise that I am shaking. Why am I like this again? I thought we had fixed it. I thought it wasn’t going to happen again.

“What’s wrong with Silver?” Ariel demands.

“I think it’s all been too much for him.” Asher says softly. “It’s been a hell of a day and he’s been up half the night. He’s just not used to it, Ariel.”

“But I thought he would like it.”

“He does like it, he likes all of it but he’s had enough. He’s exhausted and I am going to take him home.”

“But...”

“We’re going home, Ariel.” Asher says firmly. “If you don’t want to come you can carry on shopping, I’ll leave you my card.”

“Cool. Awesomely cool. I’ll get loads of wicked stuff.”

“Don’t go too mad.” Asher sounds slightly alarmed.

The conversation washes over me, meaning nothing. All I am aware of is the rhythm of their voices and Asher’s arm pulling me tight to his side. I am suddenly tired, very tired, and I let myself sink against him. I don’t want to move.

“Are you okay?” A voice asks softly.

“Tired.” Is all I can manage to force out in response.

“Okay. We’re going home now.”

I lift my head and can’t quite focus my eyes.

“Shit. Are you okay Silver?”

I blink my eyes and we are suddenly outside. I don’t remember getting here. I feel weird and there is a filter over my senses. Everything is muted and far away

“Can he walk, Ash. He looks half out of it. What’s wrong with him?”

“I don’t know. Come on, let’s hurry.”

I wake up a bit as we start to walk. I still feel tired and heavy and there is a pounding pain in my head over my left eye. I close my eyes again and it is hard to open them. I shiver. I’m confused. Everything is... I don’t know where I am. I know where I was but now I’m somewhere else.

Just keep walking... keep walking... keep... Oh. We’re at the club. I recognise the smell as we step over the doorstep. Suddenly I can’t move. I want to but I can’t. It’s only for a moment. Sights, sounds, smells, tastes, the feeling of Asher’s arm around me, all whirl together into one ice cream cone of sensation. They crash in on me in one blinding instant and then... then it’s all gone.

Someone is holding me down. No one holds me down. I hate it. River knows... but River isn’t here. Oh my God. Has he come for me? Is it the man that hurt Ariel... or another one... is this... am I...? But why don’t I remember. I have to get away. I have to... Oh God I’m scared, I’m so scared.

All this and more flashes though my mind in less than a moment which lasts hours and I am struggling through treacle in slow motion to free myself. Blindly I hit out and my fist connects with something. The hands withdraw and I am free. I realise that I am lying down and throw myself to my feet. I have no idea where I am going just so long as it isn’t here.

But the arms won’t let me go so easily. This time they wrap around me from behind and hold me tightly. No matter how hard I struggle they won’t let go. I can’t get away. I’m trapped. No... oh no, no.

There are voices in the background. They sound... familiar.

“Silver, please don’t. Don’t hurt Asher again. What the hell’s wrong with you? Stop. Calm down. Please Silver don’t... please stop.”

That... that voice... I know... I know that... that... I stop struggling to get away and apply myself to struggling for understanding. Who is it? Where am I? Why is someone holding me? Why won’t they let me go? I have to get away. I have to... to...

“Silver. Silver... are you okay now? You’re not going to freak out again are you?”

For some reason, my chest is burning and I take a deep breath. It’s not so easy because I am being held tightly and my lungs can’t expand enough. The breath clears my head a little and I blink heavy eyes bringing the room beyond into soft focus.

“Ariel?”

“Yes... Yes it’s me. Oh thank God, Silver. What the hell happened? Why did you freak out like that? And why did you pass out? Are you okay?”

“That’s enough Ariel. Give him some space.” The arms have a name now. I’m safe. I’m shaking. My whole body is shaking, on the inside too and I’m tired, so tired. I feel safe and so I let myself relax against Asher’s warm body. His arms support me as my legs give way and then he is sweeping me up in his arms like a limp rag doll. That’s pretty much how I feel.

I want to cling to him but I am too tired to raise my arms. He lays me gently on the bed and I feel like I am sinking into its softness.

“Silver?” His voice is soothing, calm and soft. I force my eyes open and smile as I look up into the beautiful amber eyes. He has blood on his face.

“What happened? Did you hurt yourself?” I manage to raise my hand to dip my finger in the red sticky substance leaking from his nose.

“Did he hurt himself? Of course he bloody well didn’t. You did it. Only a minute ago. You went crazy. What’s up with you?”

“I told you to shut UP Ariel. If I have to throw you out of the room physically I will.”

I haven’t heard River use that tone of voice for ages. “I... I’m sorry.”

“It’s alright.” The voice is gentle again and it makes me smile. “Are you okay now?”

“Okay?” it comes out as a sigh as I feel River’s fingers brush my cheek.

“You were out of it there for a while. Are you feeling better now?”

“Better?”

“Do you need anything?”

“Hold me.” Suddenly that’s the only thing that’s important to me. I need him to hold me. I need to feel his arms around me. It’s been so long... so long. I hurt for it. I need it so, so much.

I close my eyes as I feel him climb up onto the bed and lie down. It feels so good to nestle my head against his shoulder and have his arms around me again.

“I love you, River.” I whisper and, as I slip into sleep I wonder, briefly, why he tenses.

When I wake up, I am still lying in a warm embrace and I can’t quite work out where I am. I don’t really want to. It feels so right.

He stirs as I do and gently pulls away to look into my face. Sleepily I smile at him, then frown at the expression and dried blood on his face. I’m alarmed.

“What happened?”

“Maybe you would like to tell me.” He sounds... strange almost... angry. Is he angry with me?

“What have I done?”

He frowns and shakes his head. “You don’t remember, do you?”

“Remember what?” I am feeling a little scared now. I’m not sure what is happening but whatever it is it’s weird. I feel fuzzy.

“What’s the last thing you remember?”

“I don’t understand.”

“Today. What do you remember about today?”

“I... well... we showered and... you and Ariel took me shopping. I...” Smiling I raise my hang and look at the ring on my finger. The silver is warm now. I touch it gently with my finger and raise my eyes to smile at Asher. He isn’t smiling. A stab of fear lances through me and I am nervous when I open my mouth to speak.

“I... I talked to some people and Ariel took me to a... to a hairdresser and...” Stunned by the memory which hardly seems real to me and more I reach up and tug a strand of hair forwards gasping at the colour. “Wow. Does it look okay? Is my hair...?” The excitement dies. What’s going on? Why does Asher look so...?”

“What about afterwards? After the hairdressers?”

“Well we... I...” I close my eyes to help me think better but it doesn’t make a difference. “I can’t remember. I have no idea how I got here. I don’t remember anything after the hairdresser.” I raise my eyes nervously. “What did I do?”

“What makes you think you did anything?”

“You. You’re scaring me. You’re angry with me so I must have...”

Asher reaches out and touched my new hair. “I’m not angry with your Silver.” But he is angry or... maybe not angry, maybe more... sad. “I’m just worried about you. It seemed as if everything just got too much for you and you phased out completely. We managed to get you home but then you passed out cold and you... you were... I was scared Silver. You were shaking so bad and you weren’t... you weren’t breathing and I...” He closes his eyes and takes a deep breath before opening them again and forcing himself to smile.

“And then you came up fighting. You almost took my head off. I had to hold on to you with all my strength to stop you knocking a hole in the wall. Ariel was hysterical. And then... then you just fell asleep. I have been lying here watching you, scared stiff that you were going to stop breathing again.”

“I’m sorry.” Something hits me and I swear softly raising my fingers to touch his cheek where the gritty feeling of dried blood crackles under my touch. “Did I... did I hurt you?”

“Not as much on the outside as the inside. What the hell happened Silver? I was so scared.”

“I... I’m not sure. I...it happens sometimes. River gives me medicine and it makes it not so bad. It went away but I guess it’s back. I have never hurt anyone before.” My head is spinning. What does this mean? When it happens River is always there, he always knows what to do. It scares me and he makes it better. What am I going to do now?

“I’m sorry River.” I choke out through the tears and then a shard of terror slices through my heart. “Asher... I’m sorry... Asher. I didn’t... I’m sorry, I didn’t...”

Asher smiles sadly. “It’s alright, Silver. I know the score. It’s going to take a long time isn't it?”

Still crying, I nod and let my head drop, embarrassed, ashamed, afraid. Asher reached out to me and lifts my chin with his fingers.

“It’s alright, Silver. I know how you feel about River. You’ve never made a secret of it. I know you love him. But he isn’t here now. He isn’t here... but I am.”

He lowers his head and kisses me, gently at first and then more and more demanding until I am completely lost in it.