Enigma II. Fighting the Man - 14. Chapter 14 - After the Conference

With the meeting over, everyone relaxes and wants to smile and chat with me. They all want to talk to me for one reason or another... making arrangements they say. All I want to do is to get out of here. The social worker insists that I make an appointment for her to see Ben tomorrow. I am not happy. I need more time. She also makes it quite clear that Silver has to move out straight away.

The police officers approach me as I am talking to her. “It’s been a pleasure to meet you River. I understand you’re acquainted with Sergeant Bennett.” For a moment I am completely blank. Who...?

“Sam? Sam’s a sergeant?”

“He is indeed. He and Hester are hugely respected and well known within the force. The whole constabulary missed him when he moved onwards and upwards to the Armed Response Unit. Can’t deny that we miss Hester’s cooking at our social events too.” He grins broadly. Then he turns to the social worker.

“I’m sorry to interrupt but I couldn’t help wondering, listening to all that, whether our trusted and respected colleague, who is well acquainted with River, Silver and Ben might be a mediator in this situation. I am sure he would be more than happy to accommodate either Silver or Ben at his home and to facilitate supervised contact whatever the choice.”

“Well I... We would have to check him out, and of course make enquiries about whether he would be prepared to...”

“Let me help you with that. Our Chief Superintendent has already spoken to Sergeant Bennett and confirmed that he is willing to help in any way possible.”

“We would have to make an assessment...”

“I’m sure that you will in the long term but in the meantime I am authorised to give a specific recommendation and commendation from the Chief Superintendent himself. No doubt he would be more than happy to discuss that with you personally if you are not prepared to accept his word.”

“I... I have to... I will have to speak with my supervisor.”

“I appreciate that so why don’t you go ahead and do that now while we chat to River here so that he knows where he is when he leaves. I understand that Ben is with Sam right now, he is friendly with his son Jake.”

“Sgt Bennett has children. We would have to make an assessment with regard to them too if Silver is to be...”

“Jake is sixteen, Ms Green. I doubt that such an assessment is required in his case.”

“I... I um...”

“You were going to speak to your supervisor.”

As she scurries off I turn to the Police Officer in shock. “What just happened?”

He pats me on the back. “Don’t worry River. We’re all on your side. Don’t say too much but Sam is a friend of mine. I think you also briefly knew my brother in law, Nick Bradley.” I stare in shock. “You may not have been able to help him but I will be eternally grateful that you nailed the bastard who killed him.”

“Well fuck me, it’s a small world.” Were the first words that slipped out of my mouth, followed by a slightly hysterical. “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry it’s just...”

“That’s alright River. It’s not really such a small world. You and Silver are legends on the local force and it was no accident that I came along today. For one thing I really wanted to meet you and shake your hand.” He holds out his hand and I stare at it for a moment before I take it. “I was hoping to be able to speak to Silver too but I think, under the circumstances that can wait for another day.”

“I think you’re right.”

“Oh, I do have a message for him though... from a colleague on another force. He asked me to tell him that he took his advice and has never been happier.”

“I... I don’t...” Shock hits me and I have to snap my mouth shut. “P.”

The policeman smiles but has no further chance to speak as both Louise and her supervisor walk over. Neither of them looks happy.

“Under the circumstances we really don’t have much choice do we: given the... recommendations? We are happy with Silver or Ben to stay with Sergeant Bennett and for there to be contact between the two as long as it is supervised by him personally. However we will need to carry out an immediate assessment of him, his home and his family so Louise will meet with Ben at his home tomorrow to carry out the initial assessments and Sgt Bennett will be expected to take part in the core group meetings.”

“That’s excellent news. I’ll convey it to the Super when we get back to the station. It was nice to meet you River.” Both policemen smile and walk out. I can feel the smirks even though I can’t see their faces.

“Is that all?”

“One more thing.” The CPN says butting in. “I need to make a first appointment to see Silver. I can come to the home if necessary, at least for the first meeting, to put him more at ease.” She is so patronising I want to scream but I force myself to smile.

“That’s very nice of you. I’m sure that Sam will be most accommodating. Why don’t you fix it up with him? Silver won’t be going anywhere.”

“I would prefer to speak to Silver myself.”

“I’m sure you would, and no doubt you will... just not today.”

Silver looks up anxiously when I walk through the door and the smile of relief that breaks across his face lifts my heart despite myself. Then it sinks again when I realise that I am going to have to ask him to leave our home. He will never understand, never. I am going to break his heart and it breaks mine.

Everyone files out of the conference room and they all give Silver curious and sometimes downright hostile looks. He soaks them all up as he always does. He is looking anxious again.

“Come on, let’s get to Sam’s. I need a stiff drink and a cuddle.” He smiles again and rests his head against my shoulder when I slip my arm around his waist. The gestures do not go unnoticed and I don’t care. On impulse I tilt up his chin and he looks up into my eyes with absolute love and absolute trust as I lower my head and kiss him gently. In the light of his smile I feel indestructible.

Until I look up and see the hostile stares around me. Pulling Silver tight to my side I steer him out of the door, along the corridor and back into the cold light of day.

The drive back is intense. I can’t look at Silver, can't speak to him because if I do I won’t be able to stop the tears. I am holding myself together, barely, but it won’ take much to send me over the edge and the bottom of that slope ends in hysterics.

Thankfully Silver doesn’t try to talk to me. He is lost in his own thoughts. It’s been a rough day for him... hell it’s been a rough life. Is that what life is, what it is always going to be, brief moments of brightness in a soup of sad, boring, frightening, hopeless and just plain awful? I glance at Silver out of the corner of my eye and despite myself smile... life with him is going to be a lot more than that.

Silver looks so sad. He is still scared and I feel awful. I should be comforting him but I just don’ trust myself to speak. I can’t imagine what he must be thinking. He must be wondering what happened. I hope he doesn’t hate me for not talking to him about it. I’ll explain later.

It is with relief and trepidation that we arrive at Sam’s. We get out of the car and Silver moves to hug me but I can’t. If I hug him I will lose it. I will lose it completely and I have to be strong. I have to be strong for Ben.

“Can you go and find Ben please Silver? I need to talk to Sam.”

“Aren’t you going to tell me what happened?”

“Of course I am but I need to speak to Sam first.”

“Why?”

“Because I do.” My voice comes out a lot more harshly than I had intended and I feel bad about it but what can I do? I have to be harsh or I will be helpless.

“River I’m afraid. What have I done? Why won’t you speak to me? Please River, tell me what...”

I can’t do this now. I can’t take care of him. I can’t comfort and support him. I can’t stand... “Just go Silver. Please. I need to talk to Sam.”

The look on his face kills me but I have to lock it out. I just can’t let him in, I can’t, not now.

Sam is waiting in the garden sipping a cold beer. He looks tense but hopeful. I sit down on the chair next to him and hang my head, my hands dangling between my knees. I know that if I speak I will fall apart.

“That bad?”

“Worse.”

“How did Silver hold up?”

“Why is this always about him? It’s always about him. This whole bloody thing was about him.”

“River. I... What’s got in to you? None of this was Silver’s fault... you know that. You do know that right?”

“That was just about the worst experience I have ever had. I can’t believe how they twisted everything and were so smarmy and self satisfyied and judgemental. I felt like I was on trial. It was horrible.”

“River... I wasn’t asking about the experience, not yet. I was asking about Silver.”

I look up at him and wonder why he sounds so cross. “Christ... am I not going to get support anywhere? Is there anyone who is not fucking fixated on Silver? Why is it always about him? I’m sick of it Sam. I’m sick of always having to think of him and nothing else. It was crazy Sam. They were looking for reasons to pull me down and Silver gave them plenty. He completely fell apart. I thought he was going to lose it completely. It was the last thing I needed... to have to calm him down when all I wanted was someone to calm me down, to take care of me, to support me.”

“River I think you should take a moment to calm down and think about what you’re saying. I hope that you will regret every word of it because I’m really not liking you very much right now.”

I look at him, amazed. My world is falling apart and my best friend won’t listen to me, won’t pat me and tell me that everything is going to be alright, like he did the first time we met. I want the strong and comforting Sam I had then. My first reaction is to be blazingly angry.

“What the fuck do you expect? I have just had my life torn to shreds in front of my eyes and some cow telling me that I can’t look after Ben because I have to look after Silver, and not listening to anything I have to say. They want Silver to see a CPN every week... how the hell is that ever going to happen, when he falls apart with anyone he doesn’t understand and he sure as hell isn’t going to understand her? And they want a full psychiatric assessment. I dread to think what that is going to dredge up.

“I can’t stand it Sam. I don’t know what to do. They won’t let Silver be in the same house as Ben.”

Sam looks at me coldly. “I can’t believe you didn’t see that one coming. Why do you think I pulled strings to get me set up as babysitter?”

“I don’t know. Why?”

“Talking to you right at this moment, River, I don’t know why. I thought I was helping out friends, two amazing guys and a fabulous kid. I thought I was averting a disaster, helping to keep you together, making sure that you were there to support each other. Now I’m not so sure.”

“What do you mean, keep us together?”

“Well after hearing that little speech I’m not sure that it would be a good idea to do that, not at all. Take a look at yourself River. What the fuck are you doing? Don’t you dare breathe a word of what you just said to Silver or I will lay you out flat.”

“It’s all about him again.”

“No River. It’s about you. I did what I did so that Ben could stay here and you and Silver could stay together, but if you don’t get your head out of your arse, stop feeling sorry for yourself and realise what a treasure you have and how lucky you are to have him, then I really don’t think it’s a good idea for him to be anywhere near you.”

“You’re going too far Sam.” I growl. Suddenly I want to lash out, to hit him and I even get to my feet but fortunately I realise what a fool I am being before I make the biggest mistake of my life. Quite apart from the fact that Sam is built like the side of a house and would be capable of knocking my head off with one blow... dammit he’s my friend. But if he keeps on talking like this... if he keeps on... if he keeps...

Suddenly I sit down and I can’t hold it together for one more minute. I totally crumble and start to sob. “Oh God. Oh God Sam. I don’t know what I’m talking about. I don’t know what I’m saying, don’t know what I’m thinking. I’ve been fighting so hard to keep it together it’s made me crazy. It was awful... so awful. Silver was... he was... Oh God Sam... How could they do that to him? I thought I was going to lose him.”

Sam puts his arm around me and I completely fall apart, sobbing in his arms. He pats my back awkwardly. “It’s alright River. It will work out. Bobby rang me and told me it was rough but it’s going to be fine. It could be a lot worse. At least you and Silver can be together and we’ll take great care of Ben. You can come and see him every day and...”

“Sam... I can’t leave Ben here. He’s only a child. He needs me Sam.”

“We’ve been through this River. Silver needs to be with you more than Ben does. Ben will be happy here with Jake.”

“I can’t Sam, I just can’t. I can’t leave Ben behind, not after everything he’s been through. He’s my brother and I have to take care of him.”

“What about Silver?” Sam asks quietly. I feel sick. “I can't think of him. I can’t, not now. I have to think of Ben... I have to. He’s my brother. He needs me. He’s only a child. He needs me. I have to... I have to... I can’t Sam... I can't leave Ben...”

I collapse in a heap and Sam has to support me. “How am I going to tell them? What am I going to say?”

An enormous crash from inside the house shocks me out of my funk and both Sam and I look up in shock. After a while Hester appears in the doorway and comes hurrying across the lawn towards us. She looks terribly pale and shocked.

“What happened?”

“What do you mean? Nothing happened.”

She frowns. “Something must have happened. Something’s upset the hell out of the boy. He came rushing in, knocked the tray right out of my hands. He looks frantic, poor kid.”

I leap to my feet. Oh shit. Ben must have overheard us. “Where is he? Is he alright?”

“I don’t know hun. He headed off upstairs. Maybe he’s in Jake’s room. He didn’t look alright. He looked... You’d better go to him.”

“I will. Shit he must have heard. What a way to find out. Poor Ben.”

“Ben? It wasn’t Ben hun, it was Silver.”

She might as well have driven a stake through my heart, right here, right now. My legs can’t hold me any more and I sit down suddenly, missing the chair and ending up on the floor.

“No.” The word is a choked whisper. I can’t comprehend, can’t think about what he might have heard. My mind is racing, trying to remember what I said. It wasn’t good... “I was just letting off steam. I didn’t mean it. I didn’t mean any of it. I was being weak. I needed to be weak, just for a minute. I didn’t mean it Sam. You know I didn’t mean it.”

“It’s not me you should be telling River.”

“River! Dad!” Jake comes tearing across the lawn. He skids to a halt panting. “There... there’s something wrong with Silver. He’s locked himself in the bathroom and I think he’s crying. He almost knocked me down the stairs. What’s happening?”

“Where’s Ben?”

“Trying to talk to him through the door but he’s not listening.”

I try to get to my feet but I just can’t, my legs won’t hold me up because my mind is supplying me with a blinding replay of all the things I had said in my pain, my self pity. And Silver heard it. Maybe he heard it all. Oh God... what if he heard it all? I feel as if I am going to be sick right here and now.

“Sam I didn’t... I didn’t mean that, any of it. I was in pain, just hitting out. I swear I didn’t mean it. I would never have said anything to him. I would never have said it if I thought he would hear. What have I done Sam? How am I going to...? What am I going to do?”

Hester falls to her knees next to me and takes me into her arms. “What happened River?”

“I don’t know. He was... at the conference he was... awful. They hurt him. They hurt him so much he almost... I almost lost him. I think... if he had slipped away this time he wouldn’t have come back. It scared me. And then everything that happened... the things they said about him. I was hurting. I didn’t know what to do. I said things... terrible things and I didn’t mean them. I just wanted... I wanted someone to be strong for me, just once.”

“River honey... Silver is strong for you. Silver has always been strong for you.”

“For God sake, River... after everything that’s happened I thought you more than anyone would know how strong he is.”

“I do. I do know. I was just... I was hurt and angry and it got twisted so that somehow I ended up angry with him. But I would never have said it to him. Never to him. I would never hurt him like that.”

“I think you just did.”

“How can I face him? How can I look him in the eyes and see what I’ve done to him? How can I keep it together for Ben when...”

“River... you have got to think this through. You are making a huge mistake and if this doesn’t show you that then nothing will... and only pain will follow.”

“I don’t... I don’t understand.”

“Think River, think carefully.”

“River! River!”

What now? Can it get any worse? Ben comes tearing over the grass very much like Jake had before him.

“I thought we’d agreed you were going to stay there, with Silver.” Jake says accusingly. Ben gulps and shakes his head.

“I know. I know but... I heard a bang. I think he fell down and I think... I think he was being sick. I’m scared. What’s happening? What happened to Silver?”

“It’s alright Ben. You and Jake go back to your room. We’ll handle this.”

“No. Get your things together Ben. I think it’s best if we just go home.”

“But Silver...”

“We’ll come back for Silver later.”

When Ben disappears with Jake I manage to get myself to my feet. “I can’t do it Sam. I know I’m being a bastard but I can’t. I...I can’t go in there. I can't hold him in my arms and look into his eyes and see what I’ve done and then walk away from him.”

“Then don’t walk away.”

“I need time Sam. I need time to think. I’ll take Ben home and talk to him and we’ll talk about it later. I’ll come back later when everything calms down.”

“River... Silver’s in there. He’s terribly upset. He may be hurt. You can’t just leave him.”

“I have to Sam.” I whisper. “I have to leave him now or I won’t be able to leave him at all. Talk to him for me, please. Make him understand.”

“That’s not fair, River. It’s not fair to Silver and it’s not fair to me.”

“I know.” Oh god do I know. I know I’m being unreasonable. I know I’m being unfair. I know I’m being a complete bastard. I’m terrified. I can imagine what Silver is going through. I’ve been at his side often enough when he has crumbled. Today has been a terrible day for him and I know what is happening to him now. I know what I’d see if I look into his eyes and I can’t. I can’t cope. I just can’t do it. I have to think of Ben. Ben is my brother. Ben needs me. Silver will be okay. Sam will take care of him. He likes Sam. He feels safe with Sam... and Jake too. Jake will bring him out of himself, he always does.

Somewhere in the back of my mind I am screaming at myself. I know that it isn’t fair to ask Sam and his family to do this. I know that it is unforgivable to do this to Silver and I want to hold him more than I have ever wanted to hold him before. I am screaming inside. The pictures in my head are so vivid. But I am scared. I am so scared. I can’t do it right now. I can’t... I can’t...