Enigma II. Fighting the Man - 18. Chapter 18 - Trying to Make it Better

I was lucky that the route to Sam’s house doesn’t have a speed camera because if there had been I would have been in real trouble. My stomach was in knots the whole way.

Sam is waiting for us and he hurries to the car as soon as we pull in to the driveway. He immediately grabs Julia around the waist and swings her around. She looks so small and fragile in his arms. I ignore them and start for the house.

“River.” Sam calls and I turn, feeling sick at the note in his voice. For the first time in days Sam smiles at me, but it’s a sad smile. “Maybe you want to let Julia go and talk to Silver first. He likes Julia.”

“And he doesn’t like me any more?”

“It’s not that River. He’s very upset at the moment. I don’t think he could cope with you right now.”

“But you said... you said...”

“River,” he says gently realising I’m on the edge, “come and sit down. There’s something I need to tell you. Ben, Jake’s waiting for you. He’s got some new game he wants to show you.”

Ben gives me an anxious look and I smile and nod at him. To be honest, at this precise moment I couldn’t stand to have him around. I’m too agitated, too scared. When he’s gone Sam sits me down in the kitchen and puts a glass of whisky in front of me.

“I can’t drink that Sam. I have to drive.”

“This much won’t hurt you. It’s under the limit and I think you need it. You look like you’re going to pass out.”

I take the whisky in one gulp and while I choke Sam grips my shoulder in that way that I usually find to comforting. Today it’s not comforting, today it scares me. The very fact that he’s doing it, scares me.

“River you need to do some thinking. Things can’t go on the way they are. Silver is in too much pain. We just can’t bear to see it any more. Hester is beside herself and I won’t have her put in this position. I know I seem harsh but Silver can’t speak for himself at the moment and I have to do it for him. He’s a mess River.”

“I know. You said.”

“No River, you don’t know. You haven’t been here.”

“I haven’t been here because he doesn’t want me here.”

“There was a time when you wouldn’t have taken ‘no’ for an answer, when you would have broken down the door if you had to.”

“I...” I can’t fight any more. The guilt that has been worming, unacknowledged for days sweeps up and overwhelms me. I am exhausted and I can’t handle it. It starts out as a few tears and a choked feeling in my throat and then it turns into a flood.

In the middle of it, Hester comes in and takes me in her arms. She feels so motherly and it makes me remember that my mother is gone now and it just makes the sobbing worse.

When it’s over, I have to admit that, despite the headache, the runny nose and sore eyes, I do actually feel better. The gnawing worm that had taken up residence in my guts has released me and I feel lighter.

“Are you alright now, sweetheart?” Hester asks gently. I nod, with a hiccup. “You have had it rough haven’t you? It’s all happened so quickly. I know you’ve done your best but you just don’t realise what all this has done to Silver. You of all people know what he’s like. He’s a beautiful, sweet boy but he doesn’t see the world in the same way as we do. He doesn’t understand any of this and all he sees is that you’ve abandoned him and he’s rationalised this by believing he’s done something bad or that he is bad.

“He truly believes, that you are ashamed of him and that everyone is lying to him, when they say they love him and they don’t care about his past. He’s convinced himself that he’s a worthless whore and that you’re ashamed of him and everyone else hates him. I think he’s starting to come round to the idea that we’re not going to throw him out in the street but that’s about as far as he can go right now.

“He’s tired and sad and confused and it’s making him ill. I don’t want to see either of you hurt and I don’t want to try and force you into doing something you can’t do but... I know you love Silver, I know you do and I know you don’t want to see him hurting like this. River I’m scared, we’re all scared. One way or another we’re losing him.”

“Is it really that bad?”

“Just go and see him River that’s all. Just see him and talk to him.”

“Of course I will. That’s why I’m here.”

I think Sam and Hester realise I’ve had enough because they don’t say another word. It is awkward but most of that comes from me.

My heart jumps to my mouth when I hear the steps on the stairs and my head jerks up as Julia walks slowly into the room. She doesn’t look like her usual bubbly self, not at all. She’s subdued and serious, but thoughtful. When she notices me staring at her she smiles a little smile and then hugs me without saying a word.

“Is he...? Can I...? Does he...?”

“Of course he does. He wants to but he’s scared to. You have to be gentle, River. Don’t shout at him again.”

“But I didn’t shout he...”

“I know but right now, whatever happens, he needs you to be there for him, just him and never mind the past. He’s sick River, sick at heart and he needs lots of healing. He’s hiding in a different way than before and this time he isn’t going to be coming back. I’m scared River. He’s scared too and he doesn’t know what to do to make it better.”

“Did he talk to you?”

“Of course he did. He always talks to me.”

“Will he talk to me?”

“I don’t know. He wants to but I don’t know if he can.”

“I have to try.”

“Oh yes, yes you do.”

My mouth is dry and my heart racing, as I slowly climb the stairs. What will I find? Will he hate me? Will he be...? For the gods’ sake River get a grip. He’ll be what he always was, he’ll be Silver, the man you love.

He’s lying on the bed, curled up in a position I recognise. It’s his safety position, his arms wrapped round himself and his knees drawn up. It’s the position he adopts when he’s scared, in pain. This time I caused it and I feel sick.

I can’t move over the threshold. I can’t bear to look at the evidence of what I have done. As I hover he looks up. His face is so pale, even under the blotchiness of constant weeping, and his eyes... I watch the emotions fly through the dark, dark eyes: hope, fear, excitement, hope, doubt, pain and finally a dull, hopeless resignation. He lowers his head again and breaks my heart.

I don’t have to think any more. To hesitate any longer would be unthinkable. What is there to think about? When I take him in my arms he gasps and tries to pull away but I won’t let him. He doesn’t struggle but is stiff and unresponsive. He is shaking and breathing hard and I have no idea how he is feeling, what he is thinking, but it can’t be worse than what I am feeling.

“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I never meant to hurt you. I swear, I never meant to hurt you. I love you Silver, I love you more than I can possibly express. You are everything to me, everything. Please... please don’t hate me. I was such a fool. I didn’t mean any of the things I said, I swear I didn’t. I was being an idiot, letting off steam. Please Silver, please forgive me.”

I feel a shudder go through him and he lifts his face. We are both crying now. I hate myself for the pain in his eyes. He searches my face and different emotions fly through his eyes this time. He wants to believe me, he’s desperate for it, but I have hurt him so, so badly that he just can't bring himself to do it.

“I love you.” I whisper again and his eyes go blank. For a moment I am frozen, terrified. What the hell am I going to do now? What have I done? He’s like a flower. Walk away and he wilts, hold him too close and he’s crushed.

Carefully, I pull back and take his face between my hands. He looks fragile; gaunt and pale with black shadows under eyes that are dark as smoke. “I know that this is incredibly hard for you.” I say carefully. “And I made it harder, but I’m here, I love you and I want to make it better. I so want to make it better. I love you so much. Please come back to me...”

I hold him more gently and lower my head to kiss him. He doesn’t respond, suddenly limp in my arms and I am so scared, so very scared but I don’t give up. I will never give up. I have been a fool. He is so beautiful. How could I have said those things? How could I have waited so long? Unconsciously, I start to rock, cradling him like a child, whispering “I love you. I love you,” between kisses.

Eventually, I feel him stir. Slowly his arms come up to encircle me, hesitant, barely touching me and he opens his lips, just a little. I dare not take up his invitation, not yet, it’s too fragile. I pull him closer and it’s as if something inside him snaps, and he clings to me with desperation, kissing me deeply and hungrily. Joy flares in my heart and I reciprocate just as eagerly.

Silver falls back onto the bed pulling me with him and turns us so we are lying side by side as close as he can get, with our legs entwined and our arms around each other. Only then does he break the kiss and look into my eyes.

“I was scared.” Is all he says but I hear a lot more.

“I’m sorry Silver, I was so stupid. I should never have said those things, never have left you alone for so long.”

“Do you hate me? Are you ashamed of me?”

I resist the temptation to sweep away his concerns because I know they are deep ones. This needs to be handled carefully. “How could you ask if I hate you, after all we have been through together? I live and die for you, you are my life. You are everything. I don’t hate you. I could never hate you no matter what. And I am not ashamed of you, I am proud – so proud.”

“But your friends. You have never showed me any of your friends. You have kept them away from me. If you are proud of me then why...”

“Silver, I don’t have any friends, not any more. I left them behind when I moved from home. I was hurt. I was... afraid. I travelled all over the world to avoid having to relate to people. I had the house to come back to. It was left to me by my grandmother, that’s another thing my aunt and uncle weren’t happy about. But I never stayed here long enough for friends. When I got the job at the care house it was the first time since I left home that I had decided to settle down. Trust me Silver, if I had friends, I would have been showing you off to all of them.”

“You would? You’re not ashamed of me? Really?”

“Silver...” The look on his face is hopeful, puppyish and I am so scared that I am going to wipe it away again. “I am proud of everything about you. I am proud of your beauty, your strength, your art and your courage. I don’t care what you have been, only who you are.”

“I’m a whore River.” He says so quietly I can barely hear him but his words crucify me. “People hate whores. They are sick and dirty and...worthless.”

This time I can’t keep it inside. “You are NOT a whore. I don’t know where you heard that word but it does not apply to you. And even if it did... whores are not... they don’t... no one does that because they want to, it’s because they have to, because there is no other way. Most of them are just lost souls. Yes, some of them are bad people. Some are drug addicts and thieves, some are selfish and spiteful and greedy... just like everyone else. But they are just people, doing the best they can in a cruel world.

“You are not like that. You could never be like that. You are golden Silver, golden and you would shine even in the deepest darkness. No one hates you for what happened to you. Everyone loves you. You make people love you. Look at all the people you’ve met... Julia, Sam, Hester, Jake, Aeron, even Sandi. How long did it take them to fall in love with you? No time. Think of the police who came to the house... Oh and I have a message for you, a message from P... he said to tell you that he took your advice and he’s happy. You made him happy. Everyone Silver, everyone loves you.”

“Your aunt didn’t love me. And that woman, she didn’t... none of them did. They looked at me as if, as if...”

“They looked at me like that too. They look at everyone like that. It’s not just us. They don’t hate you.”

“Yes they do. They do and they should. It’s my fault. It’s my fault they are hurting you and Ben. If I weren’t here...”

“If you weren’t here, I wouldn’t have the strength to cope.”

“Yes you would. You wouldn’t have to look after me and you would be able to...”

“Bollocks. Do you have any idea how awful it’s been these last few days without you? I’ve been so lonely and Ben’s been impossible. He’s so angry.”

“Angry with me?” He asks anxiously, the pain flooding his face.

“No Silver, not with you, not you. He’s angry with me and with himself.”

“Himself? Why is Ben angry with himself?”

“Why are you angry with yourself?” He bites his lip and looks away. “He’s angry because he thinks you’re hurt because of him. He was so scared that day you were crying in the bathroom. He feels that he let you down because he couldn’t help you.”

“I’m sorry.” He looks anguished now and I think that if he keeps breaking my heart it will never mend.

“Sorry? Silver please... please stop. This, more than anything, anything else is not your fault. It’s not your fault, not Ben’s fault, not anyone’s fault.”

“But...”

“No ‘but’s’ Silver, none at all. This was not our fault. None of it was our fault.” I try to make my voice as firm as I can.

“You said...”

“I don’t care what I said. I was crazy. I was stupid. Please forget it.”

“I can’t. I can’t forget.” He says softly, so much pain in the words that my stomach lurches.

“Can you forgive?” He looks confused. “Forgive me.”

“But I... I... you.”

“Forget everything Silver, everything you’ve heard, felt or thought. Just think of one thing, just one thing. Think of me and tell me... do you trust me? Do you love me? Do you forgive me?”

“You left me here,” he whispers. There is no accusation in his voice just a deep sadness.

“No, I didn’t. I didn’t leave you, I never left you, never. I tried... I tried to talk to you, to apologise but you wouldn’t speak to me. You were...”

“I hurt. You left me and I didn’t know what to do. I dreamed... I dreamed that you were here with me. We... you...” He closes his eyes and shudders. “Only I couldn’t open my eyes. It was your voice talking, your smell, your hands touching me. You made me... made me... and then I opened my eyes and it wasn't you. It wasn’t you, it was him... it was Faith.”

“Faith’s dead Silver, dead and gone. I’m not I’m here. I will always be here.”

“Promise. Promise you will never leave.”

“I never left you Silver and I will never leave you, not ever. I love you and I will always love you.” He opens his eyes wide, spilling tears.

“I love you. I trust you.”

Relief makes me weak. I can hardly raise my hands to touch him. I cup his face and wipe away his tears with my thumb. He smiles a hesitant smile and when I brush his lips with my finger they tremble and he sighs, closing his eyes. I stroke his lips again before I lower my head to kiss him.

This time there is no hunger, no desperation, only love. We take our time, starting with the briefest touch, moving to a deeper but no less gentle kiss. There was never any question of taking it further. It just isn’t right, not for this moment, this time.

When I raise my head he smiles, a little uncertain smile. His eyes are still grey but not so dark.

“Are you hungry?” He smiles, a warmer smile and nods. “Then let’s go eat. Ben can’t wait to see you and Julia is waiting to bounce you.”

“I like Julia. I missed her. She hasn’t come for ages.”

“I don’t think her boyfriend likes it if she spends too much time with beautiful men, especially those as lovely as you.”

He blushes gently and lets me help him to his feet. I can’t help but put my arms around his waist and pull him towards me for one last kiss.