Enigma II. Fighting the Man - 19. Chapter 19 - Uncertain Steps to Misunderstandings

I feel Silver stiffen as everyone looks up at us. He’s still wary of people, even the ones he knows. Still, he has a smile for them, fragile though it is. I have my arm around his waist and he rests his head against my shoulder. I could burst with happiness.

I know that it is going to take a long time to get back to where we were. Maybe we never will. I hurt him. I hurt him deeply and I suspect that’s a wound that will take a long, long time to heal. But for now, just for now he’s alright and that means that I’m alright; everything is alright.

Julia leaps up from her seat throwing her arms around Silver, practically forcing him to respond by putting his arms around her too.

“Didn’t I tell you? Didn’t I tell you that he loves you, that he truly loves you? Didn’t I tell you that everything is going to be alright?”

“Yes. You did.” He whispers into her hair and I can hear tears in his voice again. I have to be careful. He’s better but he’s still fragile. It won’t take much to send him spiralling again. I look up and meet Sam’s eyes. He knows. He knows too.

“Are you hungry Silver? You’ve hardly eaten these last few days. Do you want something to eat?”

“Yes, I’m hungry. I could eat.”

Before he can do anything footsteps are heard hurtling down the stairs so hard and fast I am scared that the next thing I am going to hear is a crash. And I did, except that it was the crash of the kitchen door flying open. The next thing I know I am practically thrown out of the way as Ben forces himself between us so he can throw his arms around Silver. Silver lets go of Julia with one arm and puts it around Ben instead. He looks up at me with a surprised but joyous expression and my heart melts into tears, running down my cheeks as I see the love shining from the beautiful silver eyes.

“Silver, are you alright? Are you really alright now? I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. It’s all my fault. If it hadn’t been for me none of this would ever have happened. I should have run away. I should have told them all to fuck off. I should have made you talk to me when you were crying. I should have...”

Before I can say a word, Silver gently disentangles Julia’s arms from round his waist and, understanding she steps back. He then sinks to his knees to be closer to Ben’s height and being so tall he isn’t far off. Ben buries his face in Silver’s hair and sobs as Silver holds him close.

I can’t hear what Silver says to him. It’s too soft, too low. But it certainly does the trick. Ben’s head comes up and he looks at him with the same hopeful expression Silver had had only minutes earlier.

“Do you promise? Really promise?”

“I promise.” Silver says with a smile and suddenly everyone in smiling. That’s the way it is with Silver’s smiles.

Much later we are sitting in the garden soaking up the sun. Ben and Jake are running around playing a noisy game of football and the rest of us are on the patio drinking iced coke and being generally too hot and lazy for much talking.

Silver is lying back on a lounger next to my chair and I am idly toying with his hair. I think he is more than half asleep. Certainly if he had been a cat, he would have been purring.

I am blissfully happy, completely content, and then an innocent remark sends my world crashing down into darkness again.

“What time are you coming over tomorrow night River?”

“Tomorrow night?”

“The party. You haven’t forgotten have you?”

“What party?”

Hester gives me a mock horrified look. “You haven’t forgotten already River. Wasn’t it your idea that we have a party for Sam’s birthday?”

I groan inwardly. “Oh no. I’m so sorry Sam. With everything that has been going on I completely forgot. And I promised to help...”

“That’s alright. It’s all under control. Jake and Ben are the ‘setting up committee’ on the promise that they get to spend an hour at the party before they have to go to bed.”

I frown. “Since when have you been plotting with Ben without telling me?”

“It wasn’t a matter of not telling you River. You were here when we were having the discussions it’s just that you weren’t... if that makes sense. We’ve been discussing the party for weeks and as soon as Ben came along, he was kind of sucked into the planning.”

“But everything’s changed now. He can’t be here tomorrow, not in the daytime anyway.”

“But I thought...”

“Thought what?” I am feeling distinctly uneasy, as if I am teetering on the edge of a cliff. Silver, thank heaven, seems to be oblivious of the chasm as he is still relaxed and smiling.

“Given the... circumstances I assumed that Ben would be staying with us now.”

If they had hammered a stake through my heart it couldn’t have hurt more. To say that I hadn’t thought past the moment would be trite and maybe I had, in the back of my mind but I really hadn’t thought it through.

“He can’t Sam. Not today, tonight. The social worker is coming to see him tomorrow. She’s taking him to some youth centre to do some ‘work’ with him while the team leader woman is going to talk to me about ‘boundaries’. It’s going to take up most of the morning I think. Maybe we can come over early for the part and give you a hand then.”

“River. I think you need to think about this.” Sam says in a warning tone and everyone is looking at me. The pressure is unbearable, especially as most of it is coming from me.

“I can think about it until my face turns blue Sam but there’s nothing I can do about it, not tonight.”

“You can come and pick him up early in the morning.”

“You know I can’t Sam. He’s nervous enough as it is. He hates talking to them and the thought of them taking him away scares the hell out of him. He’s afraid they won’t bring him back.”

“But if he’s here Jake can take his mind off it.”

“That won’t work Sam. You know what Ben’s like. He’ll work himself up. He needs me there to reassure him.”

“We can reassure him.”

“But it’s not the same. He needs me.”

We are all deliberately avoiding the elephant in the room. But it is getting harder to do so. No one is going to say it though. Silver is still oblivious and sooner or later someone is going to have to address it with him.

“Babe... you don’t mind staying with Sam a little longer do you?”

He sits up and stares at me as if he can’t understand what I’m saying.

“You too?”

“I can’t Silver, not right now. The social worker is coming tomorrow to speak to Ben so he has to be there. We’re coming over though, afterwards. There’s going to be a party and we’ll be here for that.”

“And then can I come home with you?”

“I... don’t know. We’ll have to see what happens.”

“See what happens?”

“What happens tomorrow with Ben. If he’s upset...”

“You said you wouldn’t leave me again. You promised.”

“And I won’t. I’ll never leave you Silver.”

“But... You said... I don’t understand.” There are tears in his eyes again and I want to hit myself really hard on the head but what can I do? My hands are tied. I don’t have the freedom to make choices.

“Silver... when I ask you to stay here with Sam for a while... it’s just because of what the social workers are doing to Ben. I’m not leaving you. I will come back, every day... all day. I will spend every moment I can here with you, when we haven’t got to go to meetings and...”

“You promised River.”

“Silver you can’t come home with me, not yet. Maybe tomorrow, if Ben’s okay... Maybe after the party...”

“You promised.”

I have to admit that, despite everything, his stubborn refusal to even try to understand is frustrating me. Why won’t he see the difference? Leaving him here is not leaving him.

“And I’ll keep my promise.” I am trying to keep my voice level and not let my frustration show. Silver is not getting frustrated, or angry. He is just looking at me with that same hopeless puppy dog look. “I’m never going to leave you Silver, never going to walk away. We’ll always be together but that doesn’t mean that we can always be physically together.”

“I don’t understand. What other way is there of being together?”

“When I say we are ‘together’ I mean as a couple, that you will always be my boyfriend, we will always be together in our relationship. But that doesn’t mean that we can always be physically together, in the same place. It’s impossible. I can’t spend every moment with you. I mean... when I start my degree I won’t be...”

“You promised that you wouldn’t leave me here again.”

“I promised that I wouldn’t leave you. That doesn’t mean...”

Abruptly Silver stands up. He looks down at me with an unreadable expression on his face. “I have a headache. I think I need to lie down.”

I get up and try to put my arms around him but he steps back. “I really need to go and lie down. I don’t think I can stand it out here in the sun any longer.”

“Silver please... please understand...”

“I understand River. I’ll see you tomorrow. I’m tired. Goodnight.”

“Silver...” I go after him as he walks inside but he shakes off my arm, turning to look into my face. There is a strange look in his eyes. He’s not crying and he’s not withdrawing. He doesn’t look hopeless or helpless. He doesn’t look fragile any more. He just looks... sad.

“It’s alright River, I understand. No... I don’t understand, not really but... I understand that you need to go. I know that you’ll come back. It hurts but I’ll wait for you. I do understand.”

Then he turns and walks away leaving me shell shocked and wondering what the hell just happened.

I wander outside to a sea of anxious faces.

“Is he alright?” Sam demands.

“Surprisingly, yes. He says he understands and he’s okay with it. He looks sad but he seems... okay.” I sit down with a huge sigh. “I’ve messed up again haven’t I?”

“Yeah... you have. Why do you have this bloody...?” Sam takes a deep breath and controls himself. “I think you need to rethink your priorities River, before you hurt that boy irreparably. We keep coming round to this and I don’t know how many more times we can get here before it’s too late.”

“I know. I know Sam. I’m being a damned fool but... No one seems to understand what I’m going through. I love my brother and I’ve been kept away from him for years. We lost our parents and I know how that feels because they were my parents too. They left us... and I can’t leave him too. He’s a kid. He’s my brother. He needs me.” I peter out at the looks on their faces. It’s clear that they don’t. They don’t understand. None of them understand the pressure, the pain, the feeling of being torn apart. I can’t be here for the both of them, not now and as much as I love and want to protect Silver, I need to protect Ben more.

But then I remember Silver’s face the first time I saw him this evening, the pain in his eyes, the fear in my heart. I remember the way I felt when his eyes went blank, when I thought I was going to lose him. I remember the kiss, the curve of his body against mine. Is it selfish to think of these things right now?

Ben comes running across the grass. He looks anxious.

“Where’s Silver?”

“He’s inside. We need to be going home soon. We have a lot to do for tomorrow if you want to come to this party. I don’t know how long you are going to be with the social worker.”

Ben’s face falls. “I forgot.” He suddenly looks small and scared.

“Come here.” He sinks down onto my lap. He’s almost too big for this... almost. “It’s going to be alright Ben.”

“What do I have to do?”

“Just be yourself.”

“But what if she doesn’t bring me back? What if they take me away? What if they give me to Aunt Sophy?”

“Nothing like that is going to happen. Of course she is going to bring you back.”

“But what if she doesn’t? I don’t want to go.”

“I know, but you have to, hun. You have to go and be a good boy and just be yourself. There is absolutely nothing to worry about.”

“Please don’t make me go River, please. They’re horrible. They keep saying bad things about Silver. They want me to say that he’s not a nice person. They hate it when I tell them that I love him. I don’t want to go.” He says flatly and hides his face in my shoulder. “I wish Silver could come too. He’d show them.”

“Yes, so do I.” I whisper into his hair looking up as Sam with undisguised challenge in my eyes. He shakes his head slightly and looks away.

I jump slightly when Julia puts her arms around us. Ben turns his face to her, smiles at her and rests his head on her shoulder instead.

“Don’t worry little one, it is all going to be alright. River is a good, strong, sensible, brave man. He will take care of you no matter what. You can trust him completely. You are safe Ben.”

“Do you really think so?”

“I know so.”

“Alright little scamp. It’s time to go.”

“Can I go and say goodbye to Silver?”

“Of course you can. Tell him I’ll see him tomorrow. We’ll be over as soon as we can get away.”

For a moment he pauses looking pensive. “Are you sure River?”

“I’m totally sure Ben.”

He smiles and hugs me one more time and then he speeds off across the grass and I want to go after him so badly, but I don’t because if I do I won’t be able to leave.

***

Everything is such a rush, always a rush. I wanted to take time over my appearance tonight. I wanted to look my best, but there’s no time. Maybe I should have started earlier but I just couldn’t concentrate or anything when Ben was away. I was totally on pins

It didn’t help that the social worker rang to say she would be late and didn’t turn up until gone two o’clock.

Ben was in a terrible state all morning, working himself up more and more, as the time passed. He clung to me as if his life depended on it. He wouldn’t let me go to the toilet without him. He cried and raged, decided he wouldn’t go, worried about what would happen when he did, was sick twice and wouldn’t eat.

When Louise arrived, full of bluster and forced bonhomie, she characteristically refused to acknowledge the state Ben was in and clearly gave the impression that she thought it was all my fault for not encouraging him. He was visibly shaking when she took him away and worse when she brought him back.

“What the hell have you been doing to him?” I couldn’t keep my anger inside, although I knew as soon as I opened my mouth that it was a mistake. What was I expected to do when my baby brother ran to me, almost knocking me over and caught me in an unbreakable arm lock burying his weeping face in my stomach?

As we moved into the living room Louise scolded me as if I was the child.

“I really think, River, that it is not appropriate to show such open hostility in front of Ben. It compromises our working relationship.”

“Working relationship? Is that what you call this?” I spread my hands and Ben just held on tighter.

“He was fine until he saw you. You really shouldn’t encourage such negativity.”

“No I wasn’t.” Ben sobbed. “I wanted to come home but she wouldn’t let me, even when I was crying. She kept asking me questions and when I answered she asked me over and over and told me I was wrong when I wouldn’t say what she wanted me to say. She said that Silver is a bad person and when I told her he’s not and I love him she tried to make me say that he... that he did... bad things to me.”

My heart dropped to my stomach and it was all I could do not to be physically sick. “Is that what you think?”

“Given Silver’s history, it is best to be sure River. People like that often have issues with boundaries and don’t realise they’re doing anything wrong.”

“People like that? Silver is not ‘people like that’. He is a sweet, loving, caring person who wouldn’t hurt a soul, not in any way.”

“So you keep saying. We’ll find out after the assessment won’t we?”

“Yes, we will.” I said coldly. “And until then I’ll thank you to stop putting ideas into Ben’s head and asking him questions like that.”

“What are you afraid of River?”

“The only thing I’m afraid of is that Ben is irreparably damaged by you.”

“We’re only thinking of Ben’s interests.” She said smugly.

“That’s what you say, but that’s not what you do.”

“Are you aware that Ben has expressed a desire to live with your friend Sam?”

“What?” I prise Ben away from me and stare down into his face. “Is that true Ben? Is that what you really want?” I can’t quite keep the shock and sadness out of my voice, but Ben doesn’t hesitate.

“That’s not what I said River. Not forever. Not live. I said I wanted to stay with Sam just for now.”

“But why?”

“Because I don’t want Silver to hurt any more.”

I was truly and utterly shocked. “Ben... it... it’s alright. Silver will be alright. It won’t be for long. We got it all figured out yesterday. He understands.”

“I hate it when he cries because of me.”

“He doesn’t cry because of you Ben. He cried because I was a stupid fool and said some bad things to him, but it’s all sorted out now. It’s going to be fine.”

I stopped because I could see that Louise was soaking it all up, taking it in.

“Try not to worry Ben. None of this is you fault or responsibility.” I shot Louise a look which she ignored.

“Of course not. Ben tells me that you are going to a party tonight at Sam’s house.”

“That’s right. It’s his birthday.”

“And will Silver be there?”

“Yes.” I said suspiciously and she smiled like a predatory shark circling, scenting blood.

“I trust you understand that we really don’t want Ben to be left alone with him at the moment.”

“I understand perfectly what you want.”

“I caution you River if you don’t accept our advice and take this seriously then we will have to rethink our position about leaving Ben in your care. Don’t forget the working agreement you signed.”

“Oh I won’t. The fact that you keep reminding me ensures that.”

By then Ben was shaking. At the first suggestion that he might be taken away, he had moaned and hugged me more closely than ever.

“Why won’t you realise what you are doing... to Ben, to me, to Silver?”

“What we are doing River, is trying to make sure than Ben is safe and happy. I think this would be a good time to discuss the fact that we have been having concerns about your commitment to the process. We feel that you are not taking our concerns seriously and that you don’t acknowledge the risks.”

“There are no risks.”

She sighed and shook her head. “River, how can you expect us to trust you to keep Ben safe, when you won’t accept that there is a danger?”

“Because there is no danger. There is nothing to keep him safe from... except the damage that you are doing to him. You don’t know Silver; I do. He is not a risk to anyone.”

“We’ll see River, we’ll see.”

After she had gone, I had no time to worry because I really had my work cut out to calm Ben down. In the end I was able to distract him with the party. He continued to insist that he wanted to stay with Sam so that Silver could come home. He was so earnest that I agreed to think about it. We packed an overnight bag for him to stay tonight and agreed we would all sit down and talk about it tomorrow.

By then we only had an hour to get ready. Of course Ben showered first and took all the hot water, and by the time I’d showered, dried my hair and helped Ben sort through his wardrobe for the coolest outfit, there was very little time for me to get ready and we are now running late.

By the time we get to Sam’s, there is no room to park anywhere near the house and we are even later when we get to the door. Hester opens it looking wonderful in an ivory silk dress that makes her skin glow like the finest chocolate.

“Oh my, don’t you two look handsome. Why don’t you come in and make yourselves at home. Jake is lurking around the food, Ben. I’m sure that’s the ‘coolest’ place to be.”

Ben runs off without so much as a backward glance at me and I can’t help but smile. I should have seen this all along.

“Where’s Silver?” I can hardly wait to hold him, to tell him that I am going to take him home.

“He’s around. He was very nervous but he’s looking forward to seeing you and he wanted to make you proud.”

Another, deeper smile splits my face. “I am proud of him. I have always been proud of him.”

Hester pats my arm. “I know hun.”

“Ben told me today he wants to stay here with you because he doesn’t want to see Silver cry any more.”

“Aww, that sweet little boy. Forgive me for saying so but he’s got more sense than you have.”

“Ouch.” I grin at her. “I deserve that.”

“Yes, you do. Now go and find your man and if I don’t see you for the rest of the evening I will completely understand.”

Blushing I brush past her and go inside. There are a lot of people here. Sam’s house is not that big, even though he has an enormous garden. Sam has set up a bar under the stairs in the spacious hall and most people are milling around there.

I scan the crowd for a familiar dark head. He is tall and usually stands out. I think I catch a glimpse of him, but before I can be sure he disappears from view.

Twice more as I make my way through the crowd I think I see him. Once in the middle of the throng and then near the door to the garden. I decide to get myself a drink first before I go and find him. It takes ages to get to the bar but it feels so good to have a cold pint of cider in my hand.

I start the search again but before I reach the garden door I am kidnapped by Jake and Ben who grab me and drag me into the dining room where the food is set out on long tables. It is already half gone and so I grab a plate and help myself while I can.

“Have you seen Silver?”

“He’s around. He was here. He looks amazing River. He took ages getting ready. He’s all excited. But he’s a bit scared of all the people. Actually he’s a lot scared and he’s been hiding in here, but when Ben came he went to see if he could find you.”

“Ah well, I have all night, and I mean ALL night...thanks to Ben.” I smile fondly and ruffle his hair.

“Yeah. We’re going to have so much fun. I can’t tell you everything we’re going to do because some of it isn’t allowed.”

I mock frown at him. “You had better not be getting Ben into any trouble. You are a terrible influence on him.”

Both Ben and Jake grin broadly and scuttle off. I take my time over finishing the food almost prolonging the feelings of anticipation. The excitement grows in me by the minute. Soon, so soon I will be in his arms again and this time I don’t have to let him go.

I wander around for a while but don’t see him so I decide to go into the garden.