Enigma II. Fighting the Man - 20. Chapter 20 - You Always Hurt the One You Love

SILVER’S VOICE

River doesn’t want me. I was afraid of that when he left me...and now I know for sure. He’s here. I saw him. I didn’t want to come to this party. I am scared. Sam said he would stay with me but he didn’t. I’m alone and people keep looking at me. I know what they’re thinking. That’s probably why they’re here. I never thought of that before. That’s why they’re here... to see me... the freak, the whore.

That hurt. Why do I keep hurting myself? Why can’t I just go upstairs and hide? Well the answer to that one is not so much of a puzzle. River is here.

I find Sam and he’s on his own for once.

“Silver. There you are. I’ve been looking for you. Are you alright?”

“No.” My voice is tiny, barely audible even to myself. I can’t look at him.

“Do you want to go upstairs? You don’t have to stay here.”

“No.”

“Have you seen River? He’s here you know.”

“I know.”

“Alright... what’s going on? What’s happened?”

I shake my head. I can’t speak.

“Come on.” Sam takes me gently by the arm and steers me into a room. I don’t really know which one it is. It is cool and dim and there are no people here. “What’s wrong Silver?”

“I... River hates me.” Hot tears are scalding my eyes and don’t try to stop them falling.

“What are you talking about? Of course he doesn’t hate you. What on earth makes you think that?”

“He’s been hiding from me. I was so happy when I saw him. I tried to go to him but... he wasn't there. I know he saw me. He looked at me and... and his eyes... I tried to find him again and again. He keeps turning and walking away. He looks at me as if... as if...”

“You’ve obviously made a mistake Silver. There is no way that River would do that. The only reason he came here tonight was to see you.”

“No. No, that’s not true. He doesn’t want to see me. He’s ashamed of me.”

“Ashamed of you? Why would he be ashamed of you?”

I manage to force myself to look up into his face. “Because I’m a whore.”

“What? Where did you hear that word? That’s not what you are Silver. Whoever told you that was... they were bad people. You were asking Jake about that last night weren’t you? Was it in that film you watched? I’m going to kill Jake. Silver... that’s not you.”

“Isn’t it? It feels like me. I feel... dirty and... bad and... I know... I know that... I know that it was bad but I... didn’t know it made me bad. River told me... he told me that I could be whatever I wanted to be... that I was good and beautiful and... and... I believed him. But it’s not true. I’m... corrupted, unclean. I’m dangerous.”

“Silver...” Sam is looking at me as if he wants to say something but he can’t. I know what it is he wants to say. So I’ll say it for him.

“I’m a whore Sam. I always was and I always will be. I understand now. I understand why River gets angry with me, why he doesn’t want me to be what... what I was. But I can't just stop. It happened. I am what it made me. They said... the woman said that I could have escaped and I didn’t. It’s true. I could have but I didn’t, so that means I chose to be what I was. I can’t... I know what I am now and I know why he left me. I’m dangerous to Ben. I couldn’t understand that. I have never hurt anyone. But I understand it now. It’s because I’m a whore. Because they are afraid I will... corrupt him... make him bad like me... worthless. I won’t do that. I would never do that but... they don’t know do they? They don’t know that so... so I understand why River doesn’t want me any more.”

“Silver that’s wrong. That’s all wrong. Please listen to me. You are not a whore, you never were. What happened to you was not your fault. Please don’t...”

The door opens and a stranger comes in. “Oh sorry... I was looking for the bathroom.”

“Second door on the left.”

She smiles brightly, excuses herself and is gone. I’m glad of the distraction though. I can see right through Sam. He’s stammering, uncertain. He doesn’t believe a word he says. He’s a good friend but because of that, because of our friendship he is lying. Taking the opportunity I turn away and walk out of the door with Sam’s call echoing in my head.

I look around desperately. There are people everywhere. I don’t see River. Good. I need a drink. Now where did that thought come from? Ah well... maybe it will help. In that film last night... the policeman, when he was sad... he went to a bar and had a drink and it seemed to help. What shall I have? I don’t know anything about alcohol. I have never had any before.

I watch and see what people are having. There is a bottle with a red label on that lots of people seem to have. They mix it in with Coke. I know about Coke. Jake drinks it and it’s okay but a bit sweet. They have the sugar free kind, which is a bit better.

I pour out half a glass of the clear liquid from the red labelled bottle and fill it up with coke. I sniff at it and it smells nice. I take a mouthful and choke. It’s like I have swallowed fire. My throat closes up and I can’t breathe. Fortunately I manage to hold in the explosion. Sometimes my training comes in handy.

After the first burning attack is over I find that the feeling in my mouth and throat is actually rather pleasant. I take another sip, a tentative one and it feels good. So I have another, and another. After a while I start to wander around. The people don’t frighten me so much now. Lots of them are smiling and they seem genuinely interested in me. I feel as if a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I feel good. But that doesn’t last for very long.

I am not feeling too good right now. I hadn’t realised how quickly the alcohol would affect me. I feel so strange, heavy and light at the same time. People still talk to me and I smile but I don’t really know what they are saying. That’s why I am hiding in the garden. It is cool here. There is a breeze blowing and it cools my face. The picnic table is underneath the trees and it seems to be a long way away from the house, although it isn’t, not really.

I can still hear the voices very close. The voices are comforting now that I don’t have to actually listen to them, to be expected to respond. They rise and fall like music. Music is something I understand. Music is free and wild and beautiful but it can be pinned on paper, forced into patterns and behaviours that are not natural to its form. Discordant. That’s what I am... discordant. I am the clash of a cymbal, where there should be a flute, a drum roll in the middle of a lullaby. Beautiful in their own way but in the wrong place, spoiling the music.

I don’t remember getting here. I was in the hall getting another drink and there were people all around looking at me as if I were some kind of exhibit in an art gallery. Or one of those places that I saw on television the other day... with all the animals in cages. Yes, I felt as though I was in a cage and everyone was looking in and trying to see right inside me. I felt... I felt... exposed, and scared and I stepped backwards and it was cool, and there was grass under my feet, and then I was sitting here. Is this what River meant about giving up control? About being spontaneous? No, that’s not right. I don’t think...

“Silver, what the hell do you think you are doing?”

I look up and blink. Why does River sound so mad? What have I done? I try to smile at him but that just makes him even more angry. Why is he looking at me like that? He is looking at me as if... as if...

He takes the glass out of my hand, not gently, and I am shocked. It feels almost as if he slapped me. There is no physical pain but it’s the same. He slams the glass onto the table.

“That was mine.”

“Are you stupid? Drinking alcohol? You know you’re not supposed to drink alcohol.”

“Why not? I’m a grown up. I can do what I want.” Where did that come from? Why am I so angry? Yes... angry. I am angry with him. He left me. He walked away from me and left me here. How dare he walk back and take my drink out of my hand. “Give it back.” I reach for it and he pushes my hand aside.

“No. I won’t give it back. You shouldn’t have been drinking alcohol. It’s bad for you. You’re not supposed to drink at all with your medication. Do you want to get ill?”

“Do you care?” I don’t know where that came from. It just slips out. The anger is gone and where it was is only emptiness.

He stops as if time has frozen and his eyes widen. For a moment his lips tremble as if he is going to say something and then he shakes his head and walks around the table until he is standing next to me. Looking up at him makes me dizzy so I lower my head and stare at my hands where they lie on the table in front of me. It’s probably better that way. I don’t want to look at him, it hurts too much.

“Silver I...” He puts his hand on my shoulder and it burns me. I am crying. I can’t help it. I wasn’t even really aware of it until I see the tear splash on my hand. I can’t look up now. “What happened? How did we get here? A week ago you would never have dreamed of getting drunk and it wouldn’t have felt as if... as if there’s a wall between us. I thought we sorted it all out yesterday. I thought you understood, that it was okay. I don’t know what I'm supposed to do. Why? Why are you like this?”

“Me? I’m just me River. You were the one who left.”

“I didn’t leave.” He sounds so sincere, so righteous. “You know the situation. I didn’t have any choice.”

“There are always choices. You told me that. You told me that there are always choices. You chose it River. You chose to leave me, to leave me here.”

“I didn’t choose... I... I didn’t want to.” His voice is hoarse and very quiet. It breaks my heart.

“But you did.”

“Silver, don’t do this.” He puts his arm around me and rests his head on mine. I can’t handle it. It’s unbearable.

“Let me go.”

“What?” He sounds startled and surprised. I can’t look at him. I can’t look at his face. I can’t bear the hurt I will see there. I know I have hurt him and I know that I am going to hurt him more but it’s either that or I let the emotions that are threatening to tear me apart finish the job. I don’t know how to do this. I don’t know what to do, what to say. I don’t know how to deal with the pain. I feel lost.

When I was scared, River was there. When I was hurt, River was there. When I was bleeding, River was there. When I was lost, River was there. Now River is not there I am scared and hurt and lost and my soul is bleeding. I can’t bear it. His touch is burning me, hurting me.

“Let me go.”

“But I...”

“When I was a whore, my body was not my own. I had no control over what was done to it or with it. You told me that I had to take it back, that I had to own it. I don’t have to be touched any more, not if I don’t want to. I don’t want to be touched by you River.”

“No. No, don’t say that. Silver please... please don’t do this. You’re drunk. You don’t know what you’re saying. Please...”

I hear the pleading. I hear the pain. I hear the desperation. I feel them too but if I let him touch me, if I turn and look at him, if I let him come back into my heart then it will be broken again when he leaves me again... and he will leave me. I know he will leave me.

“You will touch me. You will kiss me. You will use me. And then you will leave me. That is not what I want.”

“It’s not what I want either. It broke my heart every time I left you here. It kills me to see that look in your eyes. But...”

“Then don’t go.”

“I explained everything yesterday. You said you understood. You said it was okay.” His voice is hardening. I hear the hardness creep in around the edges of his words. He is in pain but he is angry now too. He is angry with me.

“You said you love me. Do you?”

“You know I do. Why do you have to make it so difficult for me? Ben is my brother. He’s my baby brother. His parents are dead and I’m all he has. I have to put him first, I have to. Why won’t you understand that? Why do you have to behave like a spoiled child whenever you don’t get what you want?” Now I can hear the anger and I don’t even have to hear the words for them to slice through my heart like shards of glass.

“You’re always like this, always. You’re like a child. You’re fine when everything is going your own way but as soon as it isn’t going your way you throw a tantrum or run away. It’s always me who has to compromise and everything is always my fault. This is not my fault Silver. I am not the one who is saying that Ben can’t be around you. I’m not the one who is saying that you have to be apart from us. But I have to do what they say, at least for now. I have to protect Ben.”

I can’t breathe. That hurt. That hurt so much. He couldn’t have hurt me more if he’d hit me. How could he have hurt me like that? Is that really what he thinks of me? I can’t breathe. I have to get away from here. I can’t... I can’t...

I look up at him. If I had seen tears in his eyes maybe I would have held him. If I had seen pain maybe I would have comforted him. If I had seen love maybe I would have kissed him. What I see is anger and I don’t know if that makes me feel angry or just so terribly sad.

“From me? You have to protect him from me?”

“No... that’s not what I said. You’re twisting things again. You always twist things and I’m sick of it. I’m sick of having to walk on eggshells around you, to always have to be explaining everything. I’m sick of you looking at me with that look on your face as if you’re some stupid china doll and I’m standing there with a hammer in my hand. Why do you have to be so... so...? Why can't you just be like everyone else, like a normal person? Why do you have to be so...?”

I can’t listen any more. I can’t let him hurt me any more. I have to get away. I feel sick. I feel that I am going to be sick right here and right now but it would not be able to get out because my throat is so tight that I can barely breathe. He is shouting at me. River is shouting and me and I can’t understand why. He left me. He walked away from me and he didn’t come back. He told me that they said I am dangerous for Ben to be with, that because of what happened to me I am sick and I need to see a doctor to tell them if that makes me dangerous or not. He has told me all these terrible things, these awful things and now he is telling me that it is my fault.

Maybe he’s right. Maybe it is my fault. If I had not done what I did, if I had not let them do... No, no that wasn't my fault. I’m sure that wasn’t my fault. I don’t think it was. Maybe I’ve got it all wrong. Those women... the ones who want to take Ben away, the ones who came to the house and the ones in the place where River went. They were all looking at me as if it was my fault. Maybe... maybe... River lied when he told me that it wasn't my fault. Maybe everything River told me was a lie.

I should never have come back. I should never have left the place where I was safe. I trusted him. I believed in him. And now I can’t go back. Although... maybe I can. I can’t go back to the place in my head where I was safe. I can’t go back to not caring. But maybe I can go back to the life I had, to being what I was, what I’m supposed to be.

Here I am nothing. Here I am a whore, a danger. I am a freak to be stared at and left behind. Here I am not a normal person but I know where I can go, where I won’t be judged, where I won’t be abandoned, where I will be valued for what I am and not what others want me to be.

I know where I can go.

“Silver... Silver wait... wait. I didn’t mean it. I didn’t... Silver please... Silver... Ben is going to stay here. You’re going to come home with me. I should have told you. I should have... I’m an idiot Silver... a stupid... Silver please... please... no.”

His words don’t touch me any more. I am still hurting, more than I have ever hurt before. I am still screaming inside but I feel better now, more powerful, more positive. I don’t have to wait for him and weep for him. I will take my own direction. I will take control.

To be honest I can’t remember running away from River but I am definitely running now. I am not in Sam’s garden any more but I am too hurt to be scared. I don’t know where I’m running to but I know what I am running from... pain. And it’s pain that keeps me running; pain in my head and in my heart.

And it’s pain that stops me. Suddenly I can’t run any more because the pain is too great. It overwhelms me. What’s happened to me? It hurts so much but how, why? I have been hurt by someone, something. I fall to my knees and hug myself as the pain washes over me in waves and I heave onto the grass.

As the sickness subsides the sobs begin, great wracking sobs that are going to tear me apart. I can feel it. I am coming apart. It hurts. Oh it hurts so much, so much. I must be bleeding, surely I must be bleeding because even when I was shot it didn’t hurt this much.

I am so tired now, so very tired. I sit down with my back against a tree as the world spins around me. Lethargy drags me down and I realise that I am shaking. I am shaking a lot. But at least I don’t hurt now. Not on the outside. Not... not... I am so tired. I feel so... so...

It’s the cold that wakes me. I am so very, very cold. I ache all over and feel funny. My head hurts and it’s hard to see properly. Oh... it’s dark. It’s very dark so I must have fallen asleep. But I’m so cold and I... I can’t stop my hand shaking. It looks like a ghost hand in the darkness, almost glowing. Why is it shaking like that? Am I really that cold? Maybe I should get up. I really should get up.

Why did River do that to me? Why did he shout at me? Why did he say those things? He looked at me as if he hates me. He shouted at me as if... I want to be with him. I want to feel his arms around me. He used to make me feel safe. He is so warm. He is... He was... I am alone.

It’s so cold. It’s dark here. I can’t see where I am. I wouldn’t know if I could see. I can't hear anything. It’s so quiet. Where am I? Where do I go from here? What am I going to do? Oh no, oh no... what if... what... what...? There must be people out there somewhere. When the sun comes up there will be people. I am scared. I am so scared. What can I do? Where can I go?

I can’t go back, I can’t. I don’t know how. I don’t know where I am and I don’t know where to go. I’m scared. I’m so scared. I don’t know what to do.

Stop it. Stop it. I know where to go. I know what I want and I know where to get it. I just have to walk. I have to get up and walk. I have to find somewhere warm to sleep and then in the morning I can find a place, somewhere I will be safe. I can find people like me who won’t be ashamed of me or think I am not normal or that I’m just a doll. I will find people who will value me for what I am, what I can do.

Bugger, it’s hard to get up. My legs are wobbly. Must be the cold. I... I can’t... I feel dizzy. Oh yes, that’s right. I got drunk, didn’t I? That’s why River was angry with me. Why was that so wrong? I can’t remember. I don’t think... What’s the point? I’m never going to work it out. I keep going round and round in circles and I am so tired.

I really wish that I could find that place inside my head again, the place where I was safe. It was River... he made me come out and now I can’t go back. Well... if I can’t go back then I have to go forward. If I can't find the safe place inside my head then I am going to have to find it out here. I have to stop being afraid. I have to be strong. River always said that I am strong. River... I have to stop thinking about River. I have to let go.

I have to let go of this tree too, if I am going to get anywhere. I still feel dizzy. I wish there was something to drink. My mouth feels weird. There’s a funny taste too. Oh yes, of course. I was sick wasn’t I? Nice. Must be careful not to tread in it. Ow. My mouth hurts. I think some of that nasty taste is blood. I think that maybe River was right. I don’t think I like drinking that much. In fact I don’t think I like it at all. At least not afterwards.

Now... why am I here... oh yes. Where am I going... I... forget. Oh right. I am going to find them. I am going to find the others like me. I am going home.