Enigma II. Fighting the Man - 27. Chapter 27 - Looking Back: Moving Forward

When I get back to Ariel he is asleep. I cover him with the blanket, tucking it carefully around him and thinking again that he looks like a child. Hell he is a child, barely eighteen. I sit on the floor with my back to the wall and realise that I am hardly more than a child myself. During all of the things that happened to me I was a child.

I’ve had no childhood, not that I can remember. I still have very few memories of being Matthew. My parents want me to visit them, but how can I? How can I walk down the street that Matthew used to walk down? How can I sit in a room that used to be Matthew’s, to look out of the same window and see the same view? Maybe I would remember, maybe I wouldn’t but I would know... I would know that the boy who once stood there, the person I used to be... is dead.

I have been three people in my life, all very different. First there was Matthew. I don’t know him now but from what I have heard he was a nice kid: a bit dark maybe, a bit dramatic... but basically a nice kid. He had friends, a loving family, a nice home. He was good at school, had hobbies and interests... and a dog. He was happy and carefree. Maybe he hadn’t known it at the time but still...

Then there was Silver. He was so very different to Matthew. He wasn't happy or carefree or... anything. I kind of remember the day that Matthew died. It wasn’t when he was pulled into the big black car. It wasn’t when he was carried out at the other end, too drugged to be scared or even to know what was really going on. It wasn’t even during the brief moments of awareness that happened over the next... however long, when he realised he was in cage, on a table, chained to a wall.

It wasn’t in the vaguely remembered times when there was pain and sickness and hands touching, stroking, hurting. No... Matthew died on the day that Silver first forgot. It didn’t happen all at once. For a while afterwards, Silver could hold onto the memories in brief flashes but they got less and less. Of course I don’t remember when they stopped altogether but I do remember the first time; the sense of shock, of loss, when I remembered again.

And now Silver is dying too. The time I spent with River was happy... mostly, but there was an underlying sadness, a sense of loss that I could never understand. I think I do now. I think I was grieving for Silver, because he was dying even then. Maybe he died on the day they killed David. Maybe it was a slower death when he tried to please River by trying to be someone he could never be.

So that leaves person number three. Who the hell is he? He’s the one who tried to be Silver again, who tried to run back to a time when he was happy. And I was happy, in a twisted kind of way. I knew I was special, somewhere inside I have always known that. I liked it when I was praised and cosseted and told how special I am.

Apart from the early days I was treated well enough. Okay I was a slave, I had a Master, many different Masters, but almost all of them treated me well. I was well fed, had regular exercise, plenty of fresh air and time to rest and sleep. I was generally not given menial tasks, especially in latter years as my Masters wanted my hands to be soft and my skin flawless. I worked hard on enhancing my body and my beauty by exercising, eating well and pampering myself with baths in scented oils, and using what must have been expensive products and cosmetics.

In the last years I didn’t even have to have sex, except when performing with David and his predecessors. It was all about the aesthetics of the perfect body and the dance. I excelled at both, with a good measure of artistic talent, which they allowed me to express in song and even in painting when I pleased them... although of course they profited from that too as I was never allowed to keep any of my work. I wouldn’t be surprised if they adorn the walls of many of the rich and famous, who passed through the doors of my Master’s exclusive establishments.

Yes, they were simple times, happy times. I didn’t have to think, in fact I wasn’t allowed to. Obeying the Master, pleasing the Master, enhancing the Master’s reputation... that was my life’s work... my life’s worth as I discovered to my cost.

For all of the life I can remember I have been striving for only three goals... to perfect my body; to perfect my skills and to use them both to please others. My only focus was to use the one thing of worth I had... my body... in the service of my Masters.

And then came River. For the time I was with him my goal, my focus changed and I suppose, in a way HE became my Master and my goal and focus was to serve him. But he wouldn’t let me. For the last three months I have been trying to suppress, to expel, to reject everything I knew, everything I was.

I was so frightened. I was living in a world I didn’t understand, trying to be someone I didn’t know. Everything scared me. I was overwhelmed. I was constantly trying to remember the way I was supposed to be, to not say or do the wrong thing, the things that made River ashamed of me. I saw the way he looked at me sometimes, when I slipped back to the way I used to be. He hated it. He hated me.

I didn’t really understand at the time. Maybe I didn’t want to. People scared me, they still do. People who see ‘me’ and not the persona I adopt when I am performing. I have always hidden the real me deep inside. River has been the one person who has come closest to seeing him but even so... I couldn’t be myself, not completely myself, even with him. And I never really understood why.

Coming here has helped me understand some things, but made others even less clear. I know now that I can never go back, never be the person I was, never really be Silver again because I can’t be a slave now. I have fought too hard, changed too much. What I did with David, for him... that was the thing that changed me. I fought back and I kept fighting back... all this time.

I didn’t realise how much I’ve changed, not until just now, when I was talking to Tony. I would never have stood up to a Master like that. I would never have fought back, defended someone else with all my heart and soul. Tony is not my master, can never be my master, no one can. That’s what’s changed. River told me to listen the voice inside me and I did, I have. And now it’s screaming at me and I don’t know what to do to silence it.

I keep coming back to River don’t I? I miss him. I miss the way he looked at me, with so much love in his eyes... I miss the way he kissed me, so tender and sweet. I miss the way he touched me. I have never been touched like that. Not even David, not even Asher. No one has ever touched me like River has, no one ever will.

It occurs to me that perhaps I understand him a little better now. What has happened with Ariel makes things both more and less clear to me. When I threw myself at that man; when I held Ariel in my arms afterwards; when I faced off with Tony, I had felt so protective of him. I think I would have died for him in that moment. I think that is the way River feels about Ben. He wants to protect him no matter what... even from me.

But if... if River loves me too, if he feels for me all the things he said he did, then shouldn’t he feel that way about me too?

In the beginning it was all so clear. I would have died for him; that day when Faith came to the house I would have thrown myself in front of the gun to save him... I almost did. And I was so sure that he would have died for me. Maybe then he would have.

But all that changed. I don’t know when it happened and I don’t know how, but there is no doubt in my mind that it did change. In the beginning, in those early days there is no way he would have spoken to me in the way he did at the party. And before that when he left me, when he told me that I was dangerous, that they said I was dangerous for Ben. I never understood that, not until the last night. I have never hurt anyone in my life, not until Faith.

Then there was that night I watched a film with Jake. It was about... well not about, not exactly but... it had whore in it. I had never heard that word before. I asked Jake about it and he told me what it meant. It wasn’t nice. I asked him why it was such a bad thing... to be a whore. He told me a lot of things about what people, nice people, think about whores. I had never realised until that moment what a bad person I am; what the things I have done have made me. I had never realised that there were different ways in which to be dangerous. I understood.

I got drunk the night of the party because I was in so much pain. I have never felt so uncertain, so bad about myself. I hadn’t thought about the way others see me, never had the opportunity I suppose. When I was a slave I wasn’t... I had no personal identity. Other than feeling pride when I pleased my Master, when I received praise or kind words from him, I had no pride at all. My body, my face, my skills, none of them were my own. Nothing I had truly belonged to me. Everything I was belonged to my Master and there was no room for personal pride.

Then River told me that I had to be myself, I had to have pride in myself as a person, a person who belongs to no one but myself. He told me that I am beautiful, talented, wise. He told me that I had to learn to love who I am, that I am not an object but a beautiful human being. And I really began to believe that, to want to be that person... for him.

But a whore is not a beautiful human being. A whore is sick and dirty and spoiled. In the film the whore was beaten to death and most people said that it was what she deserved. There were people who argued the opposite, that said what River said, that everyone deserves respect, everyone is a beautiful human being... but I don’t believe them. I knew from that moment why I wasn’t allowed to be with Ben, why I had to leave my home, why River wanted me to.

I tried to talk to Sam about it but he didn’t listen. He kept trying to tell me that River loves me and what I had been meant nothing to him, to any of them. He tried to tell me that I am not a bad person, that no one cares what I was, that it wasn’t my fault, and that no one cares. But I could see the lie behind his eyes. I could see that he didn’t really believe what he was saying. It always shows in people’s eyes, when they are lying.

And then River came. He shouted at me. He told me I am spoiled, that he wished I was normal. I saw the truth in that. Finally the truth. I saw it in his eyes. He hates me. I don’t know how or when it happened but at some point he must have realised what I truly am. Spoiled, soiled, worthless... at least to the kind of person River is, and Sam.

I remember the day we went to the Gallery, when I saw my paintings. That was probably the happiest day of my life. I thought that it was proof that River loves me. I thought that he did it just for me. I was proud. And then that girl came, the one who painted the wonderful picture. What was her name... oh yes... Sandi. She was a real artist and she liked my work. She seemed to like me. I was so happy.

The only thing that made me sad, made me scared, was the way that River kept looking at me. It was like he was angry with me the whole time and I could never work out why. Of course now I know. It was because I was talking to another person and he was afraid I would tell her what I was. He was really angry when she touched me, when she told me I was lost. He was so afraid she would see. I understand that now, that he was ashamed of me, of what I am and he didn’t want anyone else to know. If only he had told me. If only he had warned me. I would never have done anything to hurt him. If I had known that being with other people, talking to them, letting them see the filth that I am would have shamed him so much I would never have done it.

It was cruel to find out the way I did but perhaps it was for the best. I am with my own people now. Maybe I am not the same as I was when I was a slave. Maybe I don’t have a Master but I am back on safe ground. No one here is going to be ashamed of me because they are all like me. No one here is going to condemn me for being what I am. Here they value it, they value me.

I have friends at last. I have people who like me for what I am and not for what they want me to be. My friends won’t leave me, they won’t drive me away because they are ashamed of me.

A sob escapes me and it takes me by surprise because I hadn’t realised I was crying. I miss River. I wish... I wish... No; there’s no point in wishing is there? What happened; happened and I can’t change that. But I can change what comes after. I can change me. I can feel that change even now. I stood up to Tony for Ariel. Maybe I can stand up to people for me. I am valuable. I know that I am valuable because when I dance people like it more than when other people dance. And when I start to show Tony how much people will like me for my other skills I will be even more valuable. He said so tonight, didn’t he?

Asher is valuable to him because he is the same as me. He is going to be in charge of this place one day and he likes me... a lot. If I can make him like me more, be my friend then he will let me stay with him, even when I am too old to dance and to be desirable to the men who come here looking for boys. I can have a future here. I can be anyone I want to be here... Silver, Matthew... anyone. I can be strong. I know I can. I just have to learn to use that strength.

The first thing I am going to do is to tell everyone the truth. I am not going to hide anything from anyone. If my future is going to be here then I have to be free not to have to hide my past. Dashing away my tears I stand up and square my shoulders. I am going to do it now, right now.

They are all here, sitting around and talking about what happened. As soon as I appear they crowd around, all talking at once. Alex slaps me on the back and I almost fall over. Even Lewis is smiling. They ask how Ariel is and I tell them that he’s fine. I can’t say anything else, they won’t let me.

“Wait. Wait please I... I have something I need to tell you.”

“What is it? Is Ariel alright? Was Tony mad at you?”

“He hasn’t told you to leave has he? If he has then he’s going to have to deal with me.”

“And me.”

“He can be a miserable bugger sometimes but he’ll calm down.”

I am overwhelmed by their support; their friendship, but I can’t let myself relax, to believe in it, not yet. First I have to tell them. “It’s not about Tony, or Ariel; it’s about me.”

At the tone of my voice they quieten down and look at me expectantly. Now that I get here it’s not so easy. I had it all straight in my head. It was all so simple. But it’s not simple, not when there are five pairs of eyes staring expectantly at me. What if they don’t accept me? What if this is too bad even for them? No... no more secrets; no more lies. This is me. Accept me or not I’m through trying to be someone else.

“I need to tell you about me. I don’t want any more secrets, not between us. I trust you and I think... I don’t think you’ll hurt me.”

There was a general chorus of... ‘of course we won’t hurt you’ but I hold up my hand to silence them.

“Wait until you hear what I have to say. My name isn't Matthew, at least not any more.” I glance around but there doesn’t seem to be too much surprise. It occurs to me that perhaps changing your name is not so very unusual in a place like this. “My name is Silver... at least it was. I’m not so sure any more.” I pause again, wondering about that and I have to pull myself back into the moment, to the ring of eager faces.

“When I was a child I was Matthew. I had a home and a family and a future. When I was 12 I was snatched from the streets and taken away. I don’t know where. I don’t really know what happened to me in those first days... weeks... months... whatever. I wasn’t... I wasn’t... aware. But whatever they did to me, changed me. It changed me from Matthew into Silver.

“I was a slave. I wore a collar on my neck and chains on my wrists. I was bought and sold, a commodity, belonging to my Master. I have had a lot of Masters and I have been an obedient slave. I was taught very early on how to please my Master and anyone he told me to please. I learned to dance and to please men in ways you can only imagine. I was passed around like a... I don’t know what... but I was used as they wanted.

“Eventually I became so good at what I do that I was sold to a Master who paid a lot of money for me and therefore took good care of me. I didn’t have to have sex with lots of men any more... just a few. I was prized, famous in my world and... whether you believe it or not, I was happy.

“Then I fell in love. That is not allowed. When we were found the boy I loved was killed, slaughtered in front of my eyes and they tried to kill me too. The beat me, broke my bones, and then threw me out of a car at the side of the road thinking I was dead. But I wasn’t dead. It took a long time to come back but I did.

“I fell in love again but my past wasn’t finished with me. My Master sent men after me and they almost killed me again. In the end my Master freed me because I just wouldn’t die and that brought him recognition and added to his reputation. It was all about reputation with him; with them all. It was never about me, as a person because I wasn’t a person; I was a possession and I had no concept of what it meant to be free. And then I met River.

“I stayed with my love and he took care of me until I was strong again. He tried to make me whole, a part of his world, but I couldn’t be what he wanted me to be. I couldn’t be part of his world because his world is cold to people like me. In the end even he was ashamed of me, of what I was.

“So here I am. I don’t know who I am any more. I don’t know where I belong. I just know that I am scared and lonely and I... I don’t know what to do.”

There is a stunned silence and I can’t look at them. I am afraid of what I would see in their eyes if I do.

A soft voice speaks and makes me jump half out of my skin.

“You have nothing to be ashamed of. I can tell you the person you are. You are the strongest person I have ever met, the most beautiful. You went through something that was meant to take away from you everything that you were, everything that you are. They tried to break you, to make you something less than human, to take away your soul.

“With most people they succeed. Most people who have been through what you have are never quite able to be... whole. There are scars that never heal. The welts on your back and the marks of the cuffs disappear with time but the wounds on your soul... I have never seen anyone who has come through that ordeal with their humanity completely intact. I didn’t.

“You have wounds, but they will heal. They will heal because you have never lost your soul. You are strong because you can allow yourself to be weak. You can fight for those you care for and if you can stand up to the person you looked on as your Master, you can stand up to anyone. You are your own person. You’ve broken your chains. You have done more than I have, than I ever will.”

Everyone is staring at Asher now. His eyes are very bright but I know he will not cry. He won’t ever cry. I can see it now, the thing that broke, that can never be mended.

“You have earned the right to be whoever you want to be. But... if you ask me I think you should be Silver. Not just because it suits you so well but because Silver is not the person who was born when Matthew died, not like... not like...” He stops and shakes his head. Then he looks me in the eyes and smiles. “Silver is the person Matthew grew into and he is the person who will continue to grow.”

There is absolute silence and then all hell breaks loose. Suddenly I am grabbed and taken into such a hug that my damaged ribs scream in protest and I am left gasping for breath. Then another hug, more gentle, and a kiss on the cheek. And then more. I find that I am shaking. I can barely keep my feet. My head is spinning and I’m not sure what it all means but I am sure of one thing... the huge hole that has been there inside me, ever since I first stepped out of the darkness of my mind, is filled.

I am overwhelmed and the room spins around me. My ribs still hurt, making it difficult to breathe and I feel as if I am going to pass out. And then there are arms around me, gently drawing me close to rest my hot cheek against a cool shoulder while soft hands stroke my back. I feel safe as I have only ever felt safe with River before. I lift my head and Asher kisses me.