Teacher's Pet - 4. Chapter 4

When Mr Leonard opened the door he was surprised to see Mr Steerman standing there, laden down with bags and equipment.

“Yes? Oh, Mr Steerman, I didn’t recognise you behind that... that... thing.”

“It’s an easel. Ash wanted me to bring his exam work and equipment to him so he can finish his work at home.”

“Oh... oh right. Yes... of course. It makes sense. It would be a shame to miss out on the exam, being so close. Come in, come in. Let me help with that.”

Between them they manhandled the equipment up the narrow stairs and burst through a door at the top. Ash, who was lying on the bed, sat bolt upright, startled then fell back with a groan. He looked awful, pale as paper, his eyes dark smudges. His father peered at him, a look of concern on his face.

“You taken your pills, like the doctor said? That journey was rough on you.”

“Yes Dad. I suppose it’s going to take a while to get used to them. I’m used to having drugs on tap.”

“Yeah well... don’t get yourself too worked up now. There will be plenty of time for this nonsense later when you’re feeling better.”

Ash smiled, a brilliant smile and nodded. “I’ll be careful. There’s not much trouble I can get into talking about an exam with my teacher is there?”

“No, I’ll give you that.” He turned to Josh as he left. “Don’t keep him too long. He’s thinks he superhuman but he’s not. He needs rest.”

“Yes sir. I understand.”

When they were alone an awkwardness fell between them. Ash was wearing jeans and a tight black tshirt, leather straps studded with silver encircled his slender wrists and a silver pentacle on a chain hung round his neck mirroring one on his wristband. Josh had never seen him out of his school uniform and he looked older, dangerous. Josh let his eyes sweep up to the cool blue ones which were no longer dazed but clear and bright. A fine sheen of perspiration made his face shine. Josh shook his head.

“You haven’t taken your painkillers have you?”

Ash laughed shortly. “Always looking out for me aren’t you?” He eased himself into a more comfortable position against the mounded pillows and swallowed a gasp, his face twisting briefly. “No. No I haven’t. I haven’t taken anything since I came from the hospital.”

“Why not? You’re obviously in pain.”

“Because you were coming. I didn’t want... I didn’t want to be half out of it... like I was this afternoon.”

“That’s silly Ash. You can’t just not take your pain relief. If nothing else it could be dangerous. It’s important when you have broken ribs to breathe properly, deeply. If you don’t take painkillers, you don’t breathe deeply enough and you could get a chest infection.”

“It won’t hurt for a couple of hours... well.... it will hurt but...” He shrugged and smiled.

“Why is it so important to you?”

“Because... because I...” He ducked his head, the shining black screen falling between them. Josh found himself wondering what it would be like to bury his hands in the silky fibres and part them tilting that sweet angel face upwards... Stop it Josh!

“What is it? What’s bothering you?”

Ash raised his head, throwing Josh a look from under lowered lashes that should have been illegal. “I’m not going back to school. I might... this could be... I might never see you again.”

“Ah... don’t worry... you won’t get rid of me that easily.”

Ash’s head went up, his eyes widening and shining with and indefinable emotion. “You mean..?”

“You’re borrowing school stuff for one thing. Someone has to come check you’re not vandalising it, get the painting when it’s done... you know, general monitoring duties.” He tried to keep his voice light and not to react when he saw the crushing disappointment in Ash’s face.

“So... this is your pad. Nice room.”

Ash’s eyes flicked uninterestedly around. “It’s alright.”

“Are you going to show me any of your stuff?”

“Stuff?”

“Your work. Don’t tell me that the stuff you do in school is the only stuff you do. I saw you sketching at the hospital... you just can’t help yourself.”

He looked up, his eyes dark and unreadable. “No. I can’t. I can’t help myself.”

“Ash...”

“Don’t. I know what you’re going to say... please don’t, I can’t stand it, not tonight.”

“What do you think I’m going to say?”

“Don’t Josh... please.” He was begging, with his voice and his eyes. He looked ill, feverish and Josh was trapped. If he walked away now he would never forgive himself and if he stayed... He was going to hurt Ash either way. Looking up to say that he had really better leave he made the mistake of catching Ash’s eye. They were intensely blue, intensely bright and intensely beautiful, and suddenly he couldn’t look away.

Not for the first time where Ash was concerned Josh found himself moving with something less that conscious design and, before he knew it he was sitting on the bed. Bad idea... very bad idea... but too late to get up now. Too late to run away.

Ash looked stunned, as if he had never really expected Josh to do anything so... intimate. Unbelievably, stupidly, uncontrollably, Josh reached out his hand and brushed the damp, clinging strands of hair out of Ash’s face. “I don’t know what to say to you. I’ve already done you so much harm.”

“Harm? You have never... would never hurt me.”

“Not deliberately but... I never meant for this to happen Ash. I wanted to help you, that’s all. I wanted to let the world share your gift, your beauty. I truly thought that I was being strictly professional.”

“Josh please... don’t say it... please don’t say that’s all I am to you... just another student. Please...”

He looked anguished, his eyes filling with tears. Josh couldn’t look away, couldn’t move his hand, left it lingering in the thick black hair, his thumb gently caressing his cheek. Ash half closed his eyes, turning in towards the touch.

Josh was surprised by how husky his voice sounded when he spoke. “Never. You could never be ‘just’ anything. You are way, way too special for that. But...”

“NO! No but’s... not tonight. Please. Tonight I need... I need...” He swallowed with difficulty and screwed up his face.

“Tonight you need your pain meds... where are they?”

Ash motioned towards a drawer in his bedside table and Josh leaned forward to open it. As he did so Ash reached up and captured his face, pulling it down towards his own. Josh tensed and automatically tugged his head backwards. Ash gasped.

“Don’t pull away... you’re hurting me.”

“I’m sorry I... I just...” Before he could say anything else Ash raised his head and kissed him. It was a surprisingly confident kiss. It was clear that Ash was no novice in the kissing stakes. For a moment Josh was shocked, stunned by the fact that it was happening and the feelings it was stirring inside him. When the reality hit him he turned his head, freeing his mouth without pulling away.

“Ash... stop. You have to stop this.”

“Why? Tell me you hate it. Tell me you’re not feeling what I’m feeling. Tell me you don’t want me.”

“Ash I... This isn’t right.”

“Why not?”

“I’m your teacher Ash. I have a position...”

Abruptly Ash let him go and he sat up, shocked and shaking. Ash looked stricken, tears welled up and flowed freely down his cheeks.

“Position? You’re worried about your job? I won’t make trouble Josh, I won’t...”

“Ash... this isn’t about my job. Who gives a fuck about my job? This is... this is about you. I have a duty to you, to take care of you, not to abuse my position. You’re vulnerable. I’m the adult here and you’re...”

“Don’t say I’m the child. I am NOT a child. I am not vulnerable. I am not a fool. You aren’t taking advantage of me Josh. This isn’t some silly kid getting a crush on his teacher. This isn’t even physical, not really. You are the first person... ever... who has made me feel this alive. I’ve always found it easy to pick up men. God that sounds... tacky... but it’s true. I’ve been engaging in shallow meaningless sex with beautiful shells for years.

“I’ve had them all... muscle men, pretty boys, raging queens, hesitant uncertain virgins and even models with more experience than it’s right for any one man to have. If I was a woman they would call me a slag... I don’t know what they call me now... don’t care. But nothing has meant anything... nothing... touched me... no one... ever. Until now.”

Josh shivered. The words were so... sincere, so heartfelt, so compelling and the earnest, eager look that accompanied them was tempting him beyond his endurance. He didn’t know what to do, what to say that would make things alright, that wouldn’t hurt Ash, wouldn’t hurt either of them. There was nothing.

“Ash... I know what you are saying. I’ve been there. I’ve done ‘the scene’. I know what it’s like to lie there with a man’s hands all over your body and wonder what the hell you’re doing with someone who can only ever touch your body, never your heart, never your mind, never your soul. I’ve woken up in the morning and looked at the pretty face on the pillow next to mine and felt nothing but disgust about what I’d done.

“It doesn’t last. Sooner or later you find someone who does more than just satisfy your physical needs. You find someone who stimulates you, someone who makes you feel alive, makes you feel special. Someone who fires off all your cylinders. When that happens it’s amazing, so... beautiful. One day...”

Ash shook his head, the look of pain in his eyes almost unbearable to look at but Josh looked, kept his gaze steady, he felt that he owed him that much at least.

“No... don’t say that. Don’t say that one day I will find someone who will love me for who I am inside, who will stimulate me on all levels, who will be my equal. I have searched for three years... three long, lonely, scary years... Now I have found him... I have found that person Josh... don’t take him away... please don’t take him away.”

“Ash... this is... It’s not right. It’s just not right.”

“Why not?”

“You can ask that? After what happened to you?”

“Those guys were assholes. They didn’t do this because of you... they did it because of me. I’ve been asking for it for years.”

“So you do know who it was.”

Ash lowered his head, turning it to the side, then looked up again, his face defiant. “Yeah, I know.”

“You should tell the police.”

“Why?”

“They shouldn’t be allowed to get away with it. They should be punished for what they did or they will do it again.”

“They’ve been punished enough. Besides... if it hadn’t been for them I probably would have been dead now. They came back for me... got help, called the ambulance. They said at the hospital that... another fifteen minutes and I would have bled to death.”

“If they hadn’t done it in the first place...”

“I know... I know but... I don’t think they’ll be doing it again in a hurry.”

There was something about the way he said it, the familiarity with which he spoke of his attackers. Suddenly a light went on and Josh’s eyes went wide. “It was the twins wasn’t it? Joel and Jake. Fucking hell Ash...”

“I’m not saying any more. Let it lie. It’s over.”

“If that’s what you want.”

Ash dragged himself up so he was sitting more upright, his eyes on a level with Josh’s. It cost him, Josh could see that but he didn’t say anything. At a time like this Ash was entitled to his pain.

“You know what I want.”

“I can’t Ash. I just can’t. It's not right.”

“Tell me you don’t feel it. Tell me you don’t feel the same way about me that I do about you. Tell me you don’t want me.”

“Ash.”

“Tell me!” He was shouting and breathing hard, in shallow pants that clearly hurt. Josh put his hand on his shoulder to calm him down, pressing him back into the pillows.

“Ash... don’t. You are going to hurt yourself. Take it easy. Now is not the time...”

“Now is EXACTLY the time. I need you Josh. Don’t turn your back on me... please don’t... please. I... when they... when I was... I thought... I thought I was going to die and I was glad. I didn’t want to live... I didn’t want to have to go through every day being like I was. Seeing you, just out of reach, putting up with the taunts and the digs and the names... I didn’t want the shallow, meaningless sex which is the only way I could get close to what I was looking for... I wanted to die.

“The only thing that made me want to go on, that made me fight, made me get onto my knees and crawl towards the houses, the street lights... it was you Josh. I lay on the floor and thought about how you would feel when they told you I was dead. I thought about your eyes, the way the crinkle in the corners when you smile, the way they change colour from... green to grey. I thought about you and it made me want to live.

“I’m exhausted Josh. I hurt everywhere and...” He raised his hand to his brow. “... in here is where it hurts the most. I keep thinking, going over things... over and over and over. I am exhausted and I can’t go on... Please Josh... please don’t turn away from me. I need you.”

“That’s not fair. You can’t...”

“I’ll do anything it takes... and I’m not lying, I’m not manipulating you.”

“I know. I know you’re not.” It was such a short distance, from the shoulder to the cheek, such a small movement and, once his hand was resting against Ash’s face it just seemed so right to lean forward, just a little... to touch his lips just once. But then Ash had his arms around him, clinging to him as though his life depended on it and he couldn’t struggle, couldn’t pull away or he would have hurt him. So he didn’t.

“What the FUCK is going on in here?” Suddenly Josh was lifted and physically torn out of Ash’s arms before being flung bodily across the room. “Get the fuck away from my son and out of my house.

“Dad...” Ash was doubled over groaning with pain. He was breathing in short sharp gasps and could barely get the words out. “Stop... stop...”

“I’ll deal with you later. You’re sick, out of your mind. He’s the adult... the teacher. He’s the one who should know better. I heard the rumours... how could I not? They are everywhere. Everyone is talking about it and you should be fucking ashamed of yourself, taking advantage of a sick child. And to think I defended you... I told them they were talking through their arses. Not my son. Not that nice, caring, thoughtful teacher. No way. And here you are. Get the fuck out of my house before I beat the crap out of you.”

“Dad... no... no you... you’re wrong.” The effort of speaking made him cough and he grunted with pain.

“Ash... take it easy. I’ll be back to get you sorted out when I have escorted your... teacher... off the premises.”

“No... listen... you have to... you have... to.”

“Ash... calm down. I’ll give you you’re chance. I have business to deal with first. I have to put the rubbish out.”

“For fuck sake... will you LISTEN to me?”

Both of them turned to Ash in surprise. He was still panting, still struggling with the pain but he had found his voice from somewhere. For a moment he was silent, looking from Josh to his father and back, fighting with the pain... inside and outside.

“You’re wrong Dad... It wasn’t him... it was never him... it was me.”

“Don’t be ridiculous. You’re out of your mind with the pain. You’re not... you’re not one of them.”

“One of them? Say it Dad. Say the word... gay... or if you prefer... homosexual. That’s me Dad... that’s always been me. Long before Josh ever came here.”

“Ash, don’t say those things... it’s wrong... it has to be wrong... You have a girlfriend... Ruth.”

“Ruth was never my girlfriend. Ruth was my cover. When we went out... when we went clubbing... we went to gay clubs... for me. Ruth came along, with Jude and Jay and, more often than not she came home with them... without me. She was my cover... the one I said I was spending the night with when in fact I was sleeping with some man I didn’t even know to try and get something I couldn’t even define.”

“For God’s sake Ash... don’t say these things. Don’t say such terrible things. What... where has this come from?”

“From me Dad... it has always come from me. It’s who I am, who I’ve always been. I’m gay. I have always been gay, I always will be gay... get used to it Dad. It’s not Josh... it’s me.”

Mr Leonard went very still and the colour drained out of his face. “Is this... is it true? That you’ve been... been picking up men... sleeping with them?”

Ash hesitated and suddenly the colour poured back into his father’s face, dying it red. “IS IT TRUE?” Ash cringed back and nodded, wide eyed, suddenly afraid. Josh realised he had his fists bunched at his sides.

“Then get out... get out of my house... both of you. Get out.”

“Mr Leonard... think about this... You can’t throw Ash out now... not like this.”

The angry man turned on him, his eyes flashing dangerously. “If you want to keep your teeth I suggest you keep out of this. The last time I checked this was my house and it’s up to me who I have in it. I will not have that... that... I have other children to think of. I will not have... someone like that under my roof; not for a second more than I have to. You wanted him: you have him, and welcome. Get out. You have the time it takes to pack a bag. You can send Ruth for the rest of your stuff. I have some words to say to her too.” Not even glancing at Ash he turned and strode out of the room, slamming the door behind him.

Josh rushed to Ash who had collapsed against the pillows looking utterly shocked. He was still struggling to breathe. “Ash. It’s alright. Don’t worry. I’ll get this sorted out, I swear it. It will be okay. I’ll take care of it.”

“I... I don’t... I don’t know what to do.”

“It’s alright.” He very gently pulled him into his arms, resting his head against his shoulder and cradled him as he sobbed uncontrollably, careless of the pain. “Ssh. It’s going to be alright. I promise. I’ll take care of you. It’ll be alright.” Gently he stroked the long hair that cloaked his shoulders like a silk cape, luxuriating even now in its softness. It was only then for the first time that he noticed the place at the back, near the base of his skull where the hair had been cut close to the head and stitches poked like obscene insect legs through the silken strands. Very carefully placing his hand over the place Josh bit his lip hard to stop the tears.

After letting him cry for a while Josh gently pushed Ash away from him. “Come on. We should get you out of here. You need to rest.”

“But... but I... Where can I go? I have nowhere to go.”

“You can stay with me... just for tonight. Things will look better in the morning. Maybe I can talk to your father.”

“No... that won’t do any good.”

“When he’s had time to calm down maybe he will listen to reason.”

“Not going to happen.”

“We’ll see. Do you have a bag I can put some stuff in for you?”

“In the wardrobe.”

“Good... but first you are going to take some painkillers or you are not going to make is as far as the car.”

There was a jug of water on the bedside cabinet with a glass and Josh poured out a drink and handed it to Ash with the pills which he swallowed without comment. While Josh moved about the room picking clothes at random Ash lay back on the pillows and closed his eyes. When Josh looked up a few moment later there were tears rolling down his face from beneath the thick sticky lashes. He sighed feeling tender and angry in equal measure.

That Ash’s father was angry and upset he could understand, given the way he had found out about Ash and the person he was... but to throw his son out of the house, in the condition he was in... it was unforgivable. Even if he did calm down and regret it how could he, Josh entrust Ash into his care again?

When he had finished packing the bag he slung it across his back and bent over Ash. “Hey... you ready?”

Ash had stopped crying and was dozing. He jumped, startled and groaned, staring up with sleepy eyes.

“Are you feeling better now? Those pills kicking in?” Ash nodded silently, tears overflowing again. “Come on, let’s get home and get you settled.”

“Home? I thought I had a home.”

“Home is where the heart is. You’ll find another home soon enough. Can you get up by yourself?”

Ash ignored him, his eyes sliding over the room as if trying to memorise every detail. At last he looked at Josh, tears caught in his lashes glittering like diamonds surrounding flawless sapphires.

“I guess it was inevitable... in the end.”

“Maybe.” Sitting down on the bed Josh put his hands either side of Ash’s face and wiped the tears from his cheeks with his thumbs. “Enough tears. You are strong Ash, very strong, more than strong enough to deal with this. You have a wonderful future, and it starts now. No more hiding, no more pretending, no more lies or deceit. From this moment on you are no one but yourself. Promise?”

Ash looked up at him with dazzling eyes, half dazed. He touched Josh’s face as if he didn’t quite believe it was real... and then he smiled and nodded. “Take me home.” He sounded breathless and it made Josh smile. Before he got up he bent down and brushed his lips over Ash’s feeling him sigh.

It was hard for Josh to watch Ash struggle to get to his feet. He had to grit his teeth or he would have sworn and cursed everyone who had contributed to his pain. But he knew that this was not what Ash needed right now, neither was the help that he was aching to give him. This was something that Ash needed to do on his own, and he did it.

By the time he was standing upright, clinging to the cabinet, Ash was breathing hard and bathed with sweat but he gave Josh a triumphant look that made his heart turn over.

“Can you walk? Do you need a hand?”

“It hurts... hurts like hell but I can do it. My leg’s the worst. I have... the hospital gave me crutches to help me walk but I don’t know where they are.”

“Don’t worry... I’ll be your crutch.” He slipped his arm carefully around Ash’s waist and, although he winced he didn’t complain.

“What about my stuff... the stuff you brought?”

“To hell with that. We can worry about that later.”

“I want my paintings. What if he damages them? He might.”

“I only have two hands.”

“I’ll carry it.”

“Don’t be silly, you can’t.”

Biting his lip until it bled Ash determinedly turned toward the place where Josh had dumped the bags.

“Ash... leave it.”

“If you’re not going to help then just... let go.”

“Ash... you can’t...”

“I can. Help me.”

Shaking his head with frustration Josh turned towards the bags and helped Ash limp across the room and pick up the folio case. It made him turn even paler than he had been before.

“Can’t you just leave it?”

“No. It’s important.”

“Alright... come on. Are you ready?”

“No... but...” He gave a huge ragged sigh and pressed his lips together hard to stop them trembling. Unable to speak he simply nodded and painfully slung his arm across Josh’s shoulders.

Very slowly, a step at a time they made their way out onto the landing and down the stairs. All the time they were doing it the doors to the other rooms stayed firmly shut and they thought that they could almost feel the anger simmering behind each one.

Out in the street the cool air was welcome relief and Ash stopped for a moment, his head raised letting the breeze caress his hot face. Josh slipped out from under his arm, laying his hand on the roof of the car for support as he opened the doors and stored the bags in the boot. It was a long and painful process getting Ash into the car and, by the time Josh closed the door behind him he was feverish and dizzy with pain.

Josh squeezed in behind the wheel and reached over to touch Ash’s hand. For a moment there was no response then he turned his head and opened his eyes, giving a weak smile.

“You okay?”

“I’ll be better when I can lie down.”

“I’ll get there as quickly as I can. Try and relax. Are the painkillers working at all?”

Ash took a deep breath and coughed, groaning with pain. “Not really.”

“Okay...well... we’ll see what we can do when we get there.”

It was only a ten minute journey and Josh wasn’t hanging about. Unfortunately the roads weren’t good, with pot holes and uneven surfaces being the norm for that part of the valley. It was impossible to achieve a smooth ride. Every time they hit a bump Josh glanced over to Ash but, apart from the strained expression and clenched fists he didn’t give any external sign of the pain he was experiencing. Nevertheless, by the time they got there he was shaking and Josh was concerned that he would not make it through the door.

Getting out of the car was no easier than getting in had been and, at one point, Ash grew so pale and weak that Josh thought he was going to pass out. Fortunately that didn’t happen until they got into the living room. They stumbled across a messy floor to a large, battered leather sofa and, as Josh ducked out from under his arm to help make sitting down easier, the pain finally got too much and he succumbed, sliding from Josh’s arms with a sigh to sprawl bonelessly on the sofa.

“Ash? Ash, are you okay. Oh...”

Josh hauled him into a position that was as comfortable as he could make him and tucked a throw around him. The arms of the sofa were well stuffed so he didn’t bother with a pillow. When he was done he perched on the coffee table and looked down, wondering what the hell he had done. There was no doubting that a line had been crossed now... hell he had gone so far across he couldn’t even see its dust in the distance. So what now?

Ash stirred and muttered something and, washed by a wave of tremendous tenderness Josh stroked his face, murmuring words of meaningless comfort. Ash responded with a sigh and seemed to settle into peaceful sleep. Maybe the painkillers were earning their crust at last.

He could have sat there all day, lost in the beauty of that angel face, watching him sleep... the fleeting expressions passing over his face like clouds on a sunny day. He could have spent forever drinking in his essence, his scent of musk and lemon. He could have lost himself in the coal dark sweep of lashes, the swathes of ebony hair, the lips... bruised and bloodied, evidence of the fighting spirit within. He could have fallen hopelessly, heedlessly in love. When he realised that he got up and went to get the bags from the car.