Enigma II. Fighting the Man - 29. Chapter 29 - Going Shopping

After our shower Asher takes me back to his room and insists on lending me some of his clothes as the only ones I have are the ones Ariel stole for me and the ones I walked in wearing, and they are party clothes. The party seems like a long time ago. The pain has faded, except when I think about it... which is only a few times a day now. When I think about it the pain is as fresh as the day it happened.

“Where are you?” Asher says gently, smiling.

“What?”

“Where are you? You seem as if you are far away, not really ‘here’.”

“No... nowhere.”

“You do it all the time... wander off in the middle of something. It’s as if you remember something and get lost in the memory.”

“Maybe.”

“Who is it?”

“What?”

“I know that look Silver. You’re thinking of someone you love. Is it that man... the one you were with... River?”

Hearing his name from Asher’s lips cuts through me like a knife. It hurts and I choke on my words when I speak. I am full of him. His hair, his eyes, his laugh... oh god his laugh. His laugh always made me... and when he... “I... maybe. I... it’s over, there’s no going back and I know that but... but sometimes...”

Asher smiles. “I know... sometimes...”

We smile and this time it is genuine on both sides. My smile is watery and his understands.

Asher takes my hand and leads me toward the door.

“Where are we going?”

“Shopping.”

I pull away from him and stand very still staring at him. “I... I don’t know. I don’t have any money.”

“It’s okay. I have some. Tony told me to get you some stuff.”

“But I...”

“Silver, maybe you don’t realise it but you have already made Tony a lot of money. Since the word about your first dance went out people are coming here just to see you and are prepared to pay a lot of money for it. He’s selling tickets for your next performance at over £200 each and they’re all sold out. The least he can do is get you some decent clothes and supplies.”

“I...”

“Seriously; you’ve earned it. It’s your money Silver.”

“Yes but... but I...”

“If it makes you feel better I’ll lend you some of mine and get a proper wage worked out with Tony.”

“No... no you don’t understand. It’s not the money.”

I watch realisation dawning in Asher’s eyes. “I see.” It’s all he says but I know that he understands completely.

Leaving me where I am he disappears up the stairs and I am lost. What am I supposed to do now? What is he going to do? I’m scared but, surprisingly not as scared as I would have been before. I remember back to that time we went to the exhibition in the gallery. It seems like it happened in another life... heh, actually it did. When we walked in the park I was literally paralysed with fear. The people scared the hell out of me. Looking back I’m not even sure what I was scared of. I don’t think it was ever a defined fear at all. Maybe it was a symptom of something else altogether.

Asher descends the stairs lightly and someone bounces behind. Ariel is lit up, excited.

“Thanks Ma... Silver... whatever. Thanks for taking me. I love shopping. I’ve got a good eye so I will pick out something wonderful for you, for the dance.” He links his arm with mine and Asher smiles over his head.

“I thought perhaps a little distraction would be good for you.”

Ariel completely misunderstands. “Shopping is a great distraction. It always helps me relax.”

I am still feeling nervous but I grin at Asher and allow Ariel to lead me out of the club and into the world.

It’s almost lunchtime and the street outside is full of life. There are people everywhere. It’s busy. I am really scared, so scared I can hardly bring myself to take a step. Having Ariel there helps because he keeps up a steady stream of chatter but after a while I feel the old terror rising within me, threatening to sweep me away. I feel a strong arm around my shoulder and look up into Asher’s eyes.

“They’re only people Silver, people just like you and me... only duller.” He smiles. “Tell me Silver.” He turns to me his face serious now. “Have you been through a lot in your life?”

I think of what I went through in the hazy past, almost forgotten pain and humiliation. I think of what happened with David, with Faith. I think of the pain I felt as things were falling apart with River... the party. There are tears in my eyes and there is nothing I can do to stop them falling. Asher wipes them away.

“Think, Silver. None of these people have been through half as much as you have. None of them are capable of hurting you half as much as you have already been hurt. There are good people and bad people and it’s not always easy to tell the difference. Some will help you and some will hurt you, but they won’t hurt you anything like as much as you have been hurt before. You have to keep on your guard and be prepared for a few knock backs now and again but people on the whole are good at heart and you have a way of bringing out the best in people. What do you think they see when they look at you?”

The question catches me off guard. I frown. I’ve had a long time to think about this one and isn't it just the billion dollar question? Did he really have to ask it? It was all going so well. “A freak.” I mumble. “A whore... nothing.”

Asher looks angry now. “Don’t you ever let me hear you say anything like that again. If you are a freak and a whore, then so are we and there is no way that we are going to accept being called something like that. Do you think that Ariel and I are bad people? Do you think we are freaks? Whores?”

“God no.” It bursts out with no thought, no need to think.

“You are no different, Silver.” He pauses and looks at me thoughtfully. “Except that you are different, aren’t you?” He muses. “You are brighter, stronger, better.”

“No I’m not.” I am uncomfortable. Why is he saying these things? I feel as if I am suffocating. Although there are no walls I feel them closing in. I am back in Sam’s garden and my world is crashing down around me. That’s when I learned that I couldn’t trust anyone; even those I thought loved me, even those who really did care for me. People lie for different reasons; some because they have something to gain, some because they have something to hide, and some because they have something to lose.

All the times I have been told how good I am, how sweet, how special. They have all been lies in one way or another. All those lies came down to crush me on that day, the day when I realised what a nothing I really am. The day when I lost everything, even myself. And now here is someone else I care for, telling me that same thing. I don’t know if I can bear it. I don’t know if I can...

Asher sighs with exasperation and looks around. He swings me round by the shoulders and points me toward a group of six or seven young people who are hanging about near the railings. They are laughing and joking among themselves.

“See those kids?”

“Ye...es.”

“Go and ask them the time and then come back and tell me what you think they thought when they saw you.”

My heart thumps in my chest and I think I am going to faint, “I... I can’t do that.”

“Yes you can. If you don’t then I am going to drag you over there yourself and ask them what they think about you and that would just be embarrassing.”

“Please, Asher.”

“I mean it. Either you go yourself or I take you.”

I search for a bolt hole, somewhere to run, to hide. I judge how long it would take to get back to the club and decide that there is no way I could get there without Asher catching me and carrying out his threat. I am trembling and I feel physically sick. How can he expect me to do this? How can he ask...? I am so tired. It’s been so... Everything has been happening so fast... too fast. I haven’t caught up with myself. I haven’t really processed all that has happened over the last few weeks and now here was more, much more. I can’t do it. I can’t... I have to find somewhere to run to. Maybe if...

“I know what you’re doing, Silver. Don't even think of running because I will catch you.”

“Ariel...” I plead, trying to get him on my side but he smiles and shakes his head.

“Don't look at me. I think he’s right.”

Still terrified, I realise that there really isn’t very much I can do other than what they want me to do so, with a pounding heart and dry mouth I cross the road. Some of the kids glance up and I see looks of shock on their faces. But under that...

After nudes and whispers the others look up and when they see me approaching half of them look scared. In the face of that I’m finding it hard to still be afraid. I feel very uncomfortable with the fact that anyone could be afraid of me. So I smile my best smile.

Whatever looks had been on their faces before now melted away and are replaced with a look that can only be described as stunned. The just stare at me, so much so that I start to feel awkward.

“Uh... do you have the time please?” They simply stare. “Time?” I prompt and there is a general scramble to be the first to provide it.

“Um... um... twelve o’clock.” One of the girls stammers out. I brighten my smile at her and it shocks me to see the way she melts. They are all looking at me in such strange ways. Curiosity replaces fear. The girls are all fluttery and giggly and keep giving me looks from under their lashes that I understand very well indeed. Actually one of the boys is looking at me in a similar but hungrier way. The others range from hostile to embarrassed. I am truly puzzled but a little... happy.

“Thank you.” I can feel their eyes boring into my back as I go back across the road. I feel stunned and my mind is working overtime as I try to work out what exactly happened.

“So? What did you see?”

“I... I’m not sure. The girls and one of the boys looked like they wanted to have sex with me, I could tell from their eyes. I don’t know why. One of the boys looked like he wanted to hit me and the others looked upset. I don’t understand.”

“God Silver, you are almost a lost cause.” Ariel giggles. I look down at him and his little pixie face is glowing. It makes me smile to see him full of light and life again. He sighs exaggeratedly, knowing my mind has wandered. He takes my arm and tows me along the street while he chatters at me.

“They looked like they wanted to have sex with you because they did. Everyone does, because you are so beautiful and sexy. The girls were all completely in love with you from the moment you smiled at them. The one boy probably did want to hit you and it would have been because either his girlfriend or the girl, or boy, he’s interested in has fallen hopelessly in love with you and will be talking non stop about you for at least the rest of the day. And the rest looked upset because you make them feel inadequate because they know they can never be like you.”

“I have to go back.”

“What? Why?” Ariel stops and stares at me. I try to pull away but Asher takes my arm in his firm grip and I stop struggling.

“Because he feels bad that the boy wants to hit him and that the others feel sad because of him. He wants to go back and make it right.” Asher says and when I look at him his eyes are smiling at me in the way that only two sets of eyes have ever smiled at me before. I have to fight hard to stop the pain swamping me.

“Are you alright?” He asks softly.

Am I? I look up and him and smile. “Yes. Thank you. I am.”

“Then let’s get on with our shopping trip. Do you feel better now?”

I realise with something of a shock that I do. I have forgotten to be scared. Now that I think about it, I am still a little scared. The crowds make me feel a little panicky but I can control it now.

“Try smiling at people.” Ariel whispers. I do and I can’t be scared any more because the effects of that smile astonish me so much. One man walked into a lamp post and a woman with a little dog fell off the curb. When I tried to help her she ran away.

It is a warm day and it is good to feel the sun. I have not been outside, not like this, for a very long time.

The first place Ariel takes me is not far, just around the corner. It’s in a street very like the one the club is in. The first shop we go into blows my mind. There is leather everywhere... clothes, whips, masks and boots. There are handcuffs and chains and... erm... other things. It’s... interesting. At the back there is a section of very interesting clothes. They are not the sort of thing you would be seen in the street wearing. Well... I wouldn’t.

I have very little say in the purchases we make in this shop. Even Asher just stands back and smiles as Ariel sorts through the rails and makes selections in a seemingly random way.

“Shouldn’t I try these on before we buy them?”

Ariel grins. “I never get the wrong size.”

“Okay... I’ll trust you.

The next shop Ariel drags me into is very different. There are some clothes at the back but it is mostly full of shiny things; silver, crystals, jewellery, adornments of all kinds... just glitter. Ariel heads straight for a glass case full of shiny things but my attention is caught by a tray on the counter. It is tilted so its contents catch the light, black velvet with little slits to hold the rings which glitter; some brightly and some darkly.

My eye is caught by one ring in particular, an owl with tiny chips of red crystal for eyes, its silver wings outstretched, the tips turning into the band. Without realising what I am doing I reach out and brush it with the tip of one finger, feeling its curves, its coldness. A little shiver passes through me. It is very beautiful and very cold. It wants to fly but it’s caught by the band which clips its wings. I associate. For a moment I feel sad; sad for the owl and sad for me. Then Ariel calls me to go and look at some silver wrist bands and I forget.

Ariel gets into an animated discussion with the sales person and I get bored. Asher is like a ghost in the background, wandering around his eyes never resting on anything for more than a few moments. I wander outside into the sunshine.

The people have thinned but there are still plenty around. I am still nervous but somehow the fear that used to paralyse me is gone. They don’t threaten me any more. They are just people, just like me. They are lost and seeking, locked into their own minds, their own worlds, staring into darkness, blind to the beauty that surrounds them and scuttling through life in fear and confusion, just like I was.

Some of them are different. Some of them have found what they are looking for. They are not reaching or speaking or wanting or fearing; they are simply being. I always get a smile from those people, a true smile that makes them beautiful and me warm.

I look for those smiles and once I start looking, I see them everywhere, leaping out of the crowd and touching me.

I feel a little stunned, overwhelmed by the discovery. I am struck by a strong desire to sketch them. I wish I had my books. Thinking of my sketch books and art materials, my mind is drawn back to where they are, back to my room, to River. My stomach lurches and tears fill my eyes.

I am startled by the gentle touch on my shoulder. Asher is leaning against the wall, watching me. He smiles and his eyes turn amber.

“You were far away.”

“I was watching the people.”

“Do they still scare you?”

“Some of them. But most of them are just as lost and scared as I am.”

“People are often scared, even when they don’t know they are.”

“What are they scared of?”

“The same things you are scared of. All the things they don’t understand: the world, other people, themselves.” It seems today that every time he opens his mouth he opens up new worlds of thought for me. I smile at him and he smiles back.

“I have a present for you.”

“You do?” I am genuinely surprised and I feel warm on the inside. He smiles and pushes off from the wall, coming to stand close in front of me. I can smell his breath, it has mint on it.

“Close your eyes.” He purrs.

I am surprised but I trust him completely so I close my eyes. He takes my hand and I feel something cold slip onto my finger. “You can open your eyes now.”

It is the owl and I am stunned in every sense of the word. I am paralyzed. The emotions which buffet me are so intense, so many and so strong and they fly through my mind so fast that I feel nothing at all. The ring is beautiful but it is nothing compared to the beauty of the gesture, the simple fact that he bought it for me.

I can’t take my eyes off the ring, transfixed by the dazzling red eyes, the shining silver feathers. I am awed by what it represents.

“Do you like it?” The soft words break the spell and I reply in the only way I can. I kiss him. I keep on kissing him and, although at first he seems as shocked as I am and is stiff in my arms, it doesn’t take long for him to relax into it.

A cough breaks into my consciousness and I ease out of the kiss to look down into the sweet, pouting face. I know Ariel isn’t really cross because there is a little smile tugging at the corners of his lips. I am suddenly shy and I smile at him through my hair.

He looks at me thoughtfully for a moment and then grabs my hand and starts towing me back along the pavement towards the club. I am powerless to resist his irresistible force. I glance at Asher who smiles and shrugs.