Enigma II. Fighting the Man - 31. Chapter 31 - Dances and Decisions

Tony is furious. I don’t know why he is furious but it’s not that hard to guess. Everyone is walking on eggshells and Asher is angry too. I slept most of yesterday and all night. When I woke up this morning Asher was gone but he left me feeling warm.

It took a long time to remember what happened yesterday but when I did I got shaky and scared again. I remembered what I did...what I said. Tears sprang to my eyes. Did Asher hate me now? Was that why he’d gone.

Things didn’t get better when Asher came back as angry as I have ever seen him. He told me that Tony’s anger had nothing to do with me but he was sharp and acidic and in the end it was a relief to get away from him and go back to my own room.

A little while later Ariel came in. He was nervous to start with but then he got distracted by telling me how angry Tony was.

No one seems to know why he is angry but it seems to have something to do with Asher. Asher isn’t talking. In fact it seems that Asher isn’t talking to me at all. I’ve really blown it this time.

I wander up to the bathroom and gaze at myself in the mirror. Every time I look at myself something bothers me. It bothers me a lot. I’m wearing one of the outfits Ariel bought me; black jeans and a tshirt with a vampire on the front. I lift my hand to push back my hair and the light catches on the silver buckle on me wrist band. Something goes click inside my head and I feel sick and faint. I grab the sink for support. I’m shaking and my heart is pounding.

The touch on my arms takes me by surprise. I hadn’t heard anyone come in. I turn stunned eyes to Asher.

“Are you okay?”

“I... I feel...”

“You’re not ill again are you?” He asks anxiously.

I shake my head and lift my eyes to the mirror again. I lift a shaking hand to touch the cold face which stares back at me; the strange, shifting eyes, stormy.

“It’s me, Ash.” That’s all I can think of to say. Not that I am thinking at all.

“Of course it’s you. Who did you expect it to be?” He says lightly with a laugh.

I shake my head again. “No... no you don’t understand. It’s me. It’s Matthew.”

I look at him again and I can see understanding dawn in his warm eyes. He smiles a little smile, almost a sad; a wistful one. “You mean this is what you looked like... before?”

“Not exactly, not the... same but... my hair; the clothes. It’s me.” Suddenly I am grinning and I throw my arms around Asher; crying and laughing at the same time. “It’s me Asher, me; Matthew, Silver... they’re the same. They’re me. I’m me.” And it’s true. I have spent so long wondering who I am, who I should be, trying to let go of what I was, that I missed it. I missed the simple absolute truth... I’m me, I always was me and I always will be me. It’s so liberating.

Asher hugs me silently. He doesn’t say anything. He doesn’t need to. He knows.

And then the excitement dies down, leaving me feeling light and clean and new. Asher gives me one last hug and kisses me gently on the tip of my nose.

“Nice to meet you ‘me’. I’m Asher and I lo... I’m your best friend.” I didn’t miss it, and he knows I didn’t. But I can’t deal with it, not now, not until I know what this means. I hug him and he smiles. It is as if he knows what I am thinking, knows what I am feeling... he’s the same.

“I have a message from Tony. He wants us to dance together tonight. There’s a special event, very exclusive and expensive. Apparently people are prepared to pay a lot of money to see us dance. He’s charging big bucks so we had better be good.”

Wild excitement flares within me. “Dance with you? Really? Wow – damn right we’ll be good.”

He smiles slightly at my excitement but he seems... wistful. “I know you will be good. I just hope that I don’t let you down.”

“Let me down? I’ve seen you dance and as long as you don’t drop me, there is no way you can let me down.”

“I promise I won’t drop you.”

A thought occurs to me. “Why is Tony so angry?”

For a moment a strange look flashes through his eyes but he smiles. “Oh, he’s like that, when something big is going on. Once it’s happened he’ll be a different man, I promise. We just need to keep out of his way and it’ll be fine.”

“He’s not angry with me is he... for what happened yesterday?”

“Of course not.” He brushes my hair back behind my ear and he smiles a warm, bright smile. “He was as scared as I was, as we all were. “No, it’s nothing to do with you. Trust me; Tony will be all over us like a rash after the performance tonight.”

“Oh. Ok.”

“We should practice.”

“Well; there’s no time like the present.”

Everyone is in the bedroom. They are whispering amongst themselves. Nothing new there I think with a smile.

Neither of us have any qualms about stripping off. It’s easier to practice nude, easier to see any tiny flaws that might have been covered by clothing, easier to flow.

At first we just warm up and try out a few moves. We both seem to know the same steps so it’s easy. And then Asher goes smoothly into a dance that I know very well. The last time I danced it, was with David. Quick, sharp pain floods me and I make a misstep. It’s not a huge one and I recover quickly, pushing the pain aside, but Asher stops.

“What’s wrong?”

I shake my head but can’t speak.

“Are you okay?”

I nod but still can’t bring myself to utter a single word.

“Silver, I know something’s wrong. Speak to me.”

“I... it brought back memories.” I smile and wipe the tears from my eyes. “I’m okay now.” And I am. I feel a strange kind of relief and when we start to dance again, it’s as if David is smiling at us, giving us his blessing and then he is gone.

After that my dancing is flawless. I know this dance very well and after the practice I have been doing lately it just flows. Asher is good, very good but sometimes his timing is slightly off and some of his movements are a little stiff. I compensate easily but I know and he knows, that I did it.

When we finish we stand for a few moments grinning at each other and then we realise how silent the room is. I look around, slightly dazed as I always am after a dance. Everyone is staring at us. Even Lewis is silent and seems awed. Ariel is crying.

I hurry to him and sit down on the bed, pulling him into my arms, wondering again at how small he is.

“What’s wrong?”

“Nothing. It’s just... just you are so beautiful together. You... you ‘fit’.”

I look up and meet Asher’s eyes. A feeling like electricity runs through me and I smile. “Yes; yes we do.”

“Will you help me get ready later?”

Ariel brightens and smiles at me. “I’ll pick out your costume. I got really good stuff yesterday. Can I choose yours too Asher? I’ll make them match.”

Asher smiles indulgently at him. “Of course.”

“Ariel... before you go, I think there’s something you should know.” He looks at me, a worried frown on his face. He is achingly beautiful, his hair like sea foam over his shoulders and I tuck it behind his ear. “The clothes you bought; the hairstyle you picked... Today I... they made me remember. I remembered who I was before and I found who I am now. You gave me back Matthew; you gave me back myself.”

“You would have found it anyway.” He says looking shocked but, surprisingly, understanding completely.

“Maybe; eventually, but I don’t think I would ever have chosen to dress like this, to do my hair like this, if it hadn’t been for you. Maybe I would have found myself eventually but it would have taken a long time... maybe too long. I have a lot to thank you for Ariel. You are the best friend I ever had.”

“Friend,” he repeats sadly and walks away. By the time he reaches the stairs his usual bounce is beginning to show through again. I’ll give him that, he’s resilient.

After we have showered together, continuing our dance in private, we walk downstairs, arm in arm. We are both glowing, still naked and carrying our clothes. He takes me in his arms outside his room and kisses me deeply.

“Ash... you know what you didn’t say to me earlier?”

“What I didn’t say?” He asks, laughing.

“Yes; in the bathroom. You stopped yourself and didn’t say it.”

The smile disappears. “I’m sorry Silver. I know you still love River and I would never... I have tried, really hard but it just slipped out. I couldn’t help myself.”

He looks so scared, so serious. I smile and touch his lips with my finger. “It’s aright Asher, it’s okay. The thing is... I didn’t realise it until today, just now when we were dancing. It wasn’t just River. Before him there was someone else. David. When we were dancing I remembered him because the last time I danced that dance, it was with him.

“River... I was... I was having a hard time getting over David. I felt guilty about being with River as if I was somehow being unfaithful to David. River made me see that love is not something to be selfish with. It’s something that gets bigger the more you use it, the more you give it away. You’re right. I do love River. I love River with all my heart and soul. But... I love you too.”

“You what?”

“I love you, Asher.” His eyes widen and a smile breaks over his face like sunshine.

“I love you too.” He whispers and there is no need for anything more.

“When you two have finished, we have a show to plan. I want you both down in the theatre in ten minutes.”

We both jump and look up in time to see Tony whirl and stamp off down the corridor, anger radiating from him in waves.

“Shit.” Asher sounds really... upset.

“What’s wrong?”

“Nothing. It’s nothing.” He sighs. “It’s just Tony... it’ll be alright.”

“Why is he so mad?”

Asher gives me a strange look and then grins. “Don’t worry about it. He’s jealous.”

“Jealous?”

“He doesn’t like the fact that we have become so close.” He gets a strange far away look in his eyes. “I think... In the beginning when I was desperate for love he gave me friendship, at a distance, but there has always been something. I think he loves me and that his plan has always been that when he retires, when he hands the reins of this place over to someone else; and I think everyone is wrong about him wanting to hand them on to me; then he would take me to the house in the country and then he would love me.

“That’s why I don’t get many ‘personal visitors’, not like the others. If Tony had his way, I would have none at all. He... doesn’t like other men to touch me, never has. And now there’s you.”

He gives me a look that makes me shiver. “Do you think he’ll do anything?

“Do anything? No, I don’t think he’ll do anything. He knows that you are gold for him, both of us are and I think deep down he knows...”

“Knows what?”

Asher smiles. “Don’t worry Silver, It will be alright.”

Not giving me a chance to think about it he pushes me towards my room. “Get dressed and I’ll meet you out here. We can go down together and scare the shit out of Tony.”

“Scare him?”

“Trust me, when he sees us dance he’ll be scared. No one who sees the show will ever have seen anything like it before and suddenly Tony will have more offers than he knows what to do with. And he’ll see that the moment we start to dance. We are about to make history my darling... so don’t be long.”

Ash was right. I lost myself in the dance as usual. It was different with clothes on but I know that Ash didn’t make so many mistakes this time. When we finished I glanced over to Tony and he looked – awed, scared, angry... and totally sad. When he saw me looking at him he scowled at me and turned on his heel, stalking away without a word. My stomach tightened but I didn’t have a chance to dwell on it because all the boys were there and Asher was so excited.

I was tired afterwards and needed to lie down. I am lying down but I can’t sleep, there are too many thoughts rattling round inside my head. River and Ben; Sam; Asher and Tony; Ariel... There is so much to think about it hurts and all gets muddled.

The time I spent with River is a distant memory, like a golden age that has passed away. It was, in many ways, much simpler then. I am different now, so different. Life has become complicated and so have I. Sometimes I think that Silver is dead and I am someone different altogether but then I remember a look, a smile, the touch of a hand and I am myself again, I mean how I used to be not the way I am. Or am I still the same person somewhere inside.

Is it possible to love two people at the same time? Not just as a friend but completely, with all your heart and soul. Is it possible to be two people at the same time? Can I be Silver and Matthew together, or should I re-invent myself? Have I already done that? I know that I have changed and I have a fairly good idea of who I am now, who I’ve changed into, or am changing into, but have I really changed at all? Or have I just come to a better understanding of what was there all along? Is Silver someone I was when I was asleep; a dream, a phantom? Or is he what I still am? Is he still alive, still in there somewhere?

I can’t imagine this new me being with River, holding him, being held by him, being protected. I can’t imagine his kiss, his touch, his smile. I can’t remember how it felt to fall asleep beside him and wake to the soft sound of his breathing and the warmth of his arms. I can’t remember the way his eyes crinkle in the corners, the way his mouth twists when he’s concentrating, the way the sun makes strands of copper gold appear in the red of his hair. It’s not red like mine is now, not artificial and shockingly bright. It is dark and soft and it glows in the sun.

Oh! When did I start to cry? I didn’t notice it. Maybe I can remember after all. I laugh to myself. Of course I remember. How could I ever forget? A feeling of intense loneliness washes over me. Even here where I feel... have felt I belong; even here I am with him. He is all around me, always has been. I close my eyes and I can smell his smell, feel his touch, hear him breathe. I am his Silver and he is my River and... and then something clicks into place inside me and I know I have to leave. Maybe he doesn’t love me; maybe he doesn’t want me any more, but I have to try. I have to go back, even if it’s only to say goodbye.

I do love Asher. I will always love him but he’s not River, he’s not my home.

The tap on the door startles me and I call “Come in,” uncertainly.

Asher looks... diminished. He walks with heavy steps and his eyes are shadowed.

“What’s wrong?” I reach for him without hesitation or restraint. There is no regret. It is possible to love two people at the same time; to love them wholly and completely, without restriction. “What’s wrong?”

Ash sighs and settles into my arms. “I’m sorry Silver. I’m really sorry and I hate the bastard for making me do this. He’s too much of a creep to tell you himself.”

“Tell me what?” I feel irrationally scared. What if Tony wants me to leave? I know, I know I’ve decided to leave anyway but...

“He’s arranged for you to ‘entertain’ tonight. He’s coming after the dance.”

I am relieved and smile at him. “It’s okay, Ash. It’s what I do, what I am. It’s what I came here for.”

“NO. It’s not what you are, not any more. I don’t know what you came here for but it isn’t that, it was never that. You’re different from me Silver, so different I can’t even begin to explain the differences. You are pure and clean and good. You are not a slave, never were.”

“I beg to differ...”

“No Silver. Being a slave is not something that happens to your body, it happens to your soul. I... I am still chained but you are free. Tell him no Silver... please. I have a bad feeling about it. He’s punishing you because of me. Please tell him no.”

“And what if I do? He’ll find other ways, and if he can’t hurt me, he’ll hurt you. At least this way I know what I’m doing, I know what to expect, I’m in control. It’s what I know; what I do. It could be worse, a lot worse.”

“I don’t know. I don’t trust him Silver. Don’t get me wrong, I love him. Not like I love you but still... I love him in my own way. But I don’t trust him.”

“I’ll be alright, Asher. I promise. I can take care of myself. I’ll be alright.” I comfort him in the only way I know how and he gives himself to me completely and then falls asleep in my arms. I know it will hurt him when I leave; it will hurt him a lot but not as much as it will hurt me if I stay. He’ll understand.

There is no point in delaying the inevitable. I will tell him in the morning; tomorrow I will leave. Tony will be angry but not too angry I think. I have made him a lot of money and I would make him a lot more but he will have Ash back and so he will let me go. If Ash wants him; maybe Ash will be free too.

Ariel wakes us. It is time. The costumes that he has chosen for us are spectacular. We dress together, giggling like children as we lace and buckle and strap. Ariel is included in the fun and for once he is completely easy with our frequent kisses, embraces and loaded looks. He is his old self again and I think he has reached his own watershed.

When we are done we are wild and stunning and terrifying. Even Ariel who knows us as well as anyone, who was laughing with us minutes before, is stunned and stares at us with a shadow in his eyes. He looks scared and we hug him close before we go to face our destiny.