Enigma II. Fighting the Man - 35. Chapter 35 - Coming Home

He is silent all the way to the car and I don’t know what to say to him. It’s as if I have just met him for the first time today and I suppose, in a way, I have. I’m in awe of him. To tell the truth I’m slightly scared of him, of the confidence and self assurance, the edge... and frankly I am freaking out about where and how he got them. Where has he been and what has he been doing? That boy, Ariel, who probably wasn’t a boy at all, had been wearing... well he hadn’t really been wearing very much at all. And Tony looked... I don’t know what to say, and so I say nothing at all.

Silver keeps his head down, hiding behind his hair as always, although there is less to hide behind now, and he keeps twisting and twisting that ring.

“I thought you’d stopped loving me.” He says at last in a low voice full of tears. “That night at the party you were avoiding me so I figured you were ashamed of me because I’m a whore. I thought everyone was ashamed of me.” I almost crash the car.

“Oh my God, Silver. Is that really what you thought, what you think? God no. I never...”

Silver shakes his head. “No, not any more. A lot has happened and I’m not that person any more.”

“I can see that.”

He lapses into silence again for a few minutes, in which I really feel I should be saying something but just can't find anything that wouldn’t be wrong, then he says, “I still love you,” uncertainly. I look across and the old Silver is looking out of his eyes.

I pull in to the side of the road because I can't wait any longer to hug him. He rests his head on my shoulder and suddenly seems unimaginably weary.

“You know?” I find myself murmuring. “I don’t know if I ever did love you really.” He tenses but I sooth him, stroking his hair. “I thought I loved you, and in a way I guess I kind of did, but there was always something in the way. I was selfish with you. I held you close and wouldn’t let the world share you.

“I was angry with you for holding me down and holding me back, for being so dependent on me and that wasn’t love. If it had been love, I would have realised the harm I was doing. I would have seen that it was never you who was holding me back; it was me holding you back. I should never have locked you away and let you lean on me more and more. I should never have treated you like a child because you’re not and never were. I have always known how strong you are, but I made you weak.

“And that wasn't love; it was control. I’m sorry Silver, I’m so sorry.”

I can feel him shaking, his heart hammering. I make him look at me. “That night at the party was the culmination of everything bad I did to you. I wasn’t avoiding you. I kept getting sidetracked and I didn’t hurry because I knew you were there waiting. I’ve always known you would be there waiting and that’s why I didn’t take care of you as I should have, why I pushed you aside... because I knew you would... I thought you would always be there.

“When I found you in the garden I was scared, Silver, scared that you were drinking. You’re not supposed to drink with the medication you’re... you were taking.”

“I didn’t know.” He says confused.

“I know you didn’t know because I didn’t tell you. I took care of it. I talked to the doctors, filled the prescriptions, doled out the drugs. I could have given you anything and you trusted me completely and would have taken it. I took away your control Silver, you should have had that. You should have known everything, made your own decisions, knowingly.

“And that was only one little thing. I controlled everything else too. I didn’t mean to. I didn’t want to. I thought you couldn’t do it yourself but the truth is that you could have. If I had let you, I am so sure that you could have done such a lot more. You could have grown and blossomed but I kept you in the dark, all for myself. And that wasn’t love.”

His eyes are glistening. They look almost dead inside. I know he thinks the worst but I have to tell him. I have to make him understand.

“When Ben came and Social Services got involved I hurt you because I couldn’t hurt him. My perspective was skewed. I thought you’d be okay, that you’d understand why I needed to put him first but you didn’t, you couldn’t and I knew that.”

“I understand now.” He says with a sniff. “I’ve felt it now; that... that need to protect someone smaller and weaker. I still don’t understand completely but I do understand that.”

I don’t want to go down the road of asking who and how. I’m not ready for that yet but the fact that he spoke, that he does at least understand a little of it makes my heart soar. “It wasn't even just that. It was you. I thought that I had to somehow earn Ben’s love but you were mine absolutely and no matter what happened, you would be there. It took a lot of hammering on the head by Sam to make me realise where that was leading.”

I take his face between my hands which are shaking. “I didn’t love you properly Silver, not the way you deserve. But I swear to you with everything in me, that I do now, I will now. I won’t try to control you any more. I’ll be there for you, absolutely, but only when you need me to be.”

I could go on but he stops me and shakes his head. Now it’s my turn to feel sick with fear at the look in his eyes.

“I don’t think I loved you either,” he says, making me feel physically sick. “I wanted you, desired you, cared for you, was desperate to please you and to have you love me, but I don’t think I loved you. I didn’t know what love was. I had never felt it before. What I had with David was a kind of love, maybe in some ways a better one, because it was equal. I don’t think that anything about us was equal. I relied on you for everything, deferred to you in everything because I felt I knew nothing, was nothing without you. I pinned my life on you and when you pushed me away...

“I needed you; to be me, and that wasn’t fair. I’ve changed, River. I’ve changed a lot. I’ve learned a lot. I don’t need you to define me any more. I don’t need anyone. I’ve defined myself. Not completely, I’m still confused, still not quite sure of who I am or who I want to be, but I’m a long way further down the road.”

He gives me a quick glance from under lowered lashes then looks down with a sigh; twisting, twisting. “Don’t hate me.” He whispers. “I... I thought you hated me. I thought after the party that you didn’t want me any more. I ran away because I felt... lost, abandoned. I was cut free and I didn’t know what to do, where to go. So I went back. I woke up in the gutter thinking that was where I belonged.”

“That was never true.” I interject in horror.

“No. But that isn’t it, River. Please let me tell you. I want you to understand.”

“Okay babe, whatever you want.” I put my hand over his but he jerks it away. I am scared.

“I wanted to go back. I thought I needed to be with people like me, like I was, people I knew would accept me. I was looking back and it seemed to me as if it had all been so simple back then. I was told what to do and I did it, no need to think, no need to feel.

“So I found Tony. I became one of his boys and felt I had found home.”

My stomach lurches and I feel sick. What is he telling me? “Silver...” He looks at me in silence, knowing what I’m thinking. I don’t want to know, but I have to know; if I don’t it will eat away at me and at us. Finally I nod, giving him permission.

“I found someone there, someone like me.”

He pauses to make sure I understand. I do. “Ash.” I say flatly.

“Yes. He knew me from - before. He’d seen me dance. He was more... hurt by it than I was. Tony had found him and put him back together but there was always a part missing. He and Ariel taught me a lot. They taught me how to not be so afraid. They taught me to find who I was, and I was beginning to find who I am.”

I feel sick to my stomach, no to my heart. I feel empty. I feel... I don’t know how the hell I feel. I know what he’s telling me and the thought of him in someone else’s arms is too hard, way too hard. And that confuses me.

Before he came to me he had been with many men and then there had been David. Hadn’t I told him that there was room to love more than one person, but I didn’t mean at the same time. David was dead and... he was before.

“Did you love him?” He hears the way I feel in my voice and flinches, dropping his head again.

“Yes.”

“Did he love you?” I am really struggling with this. I hate this man, this Ash, who has taken my Silver away from me and made him into a stranger.

Silver looks up again, his chin jutting, his eyes burning and I almost shrink away from him. “Yes he loved me. He died for me.”

Then he collapses, his control blasted away by four words. For a moment I don’t know what to do. I am lost in a world that is entirely unfamiliar to me, a world I thought I would never visit, a world where Silver loves someone else, someone who loves him, probably more than I do. He certainly gave him more than I ever did. I conveniently forget those four words.

“Do you still love him?” I speak more harshly than I intended. I know that I am punishing him again, but this time he deserves it... doesn’t he? He doesn’t look at me but whispers “Yes,” still weeping wracking sobs.

I have never felt so empty and cold. I never dreamed that the time would ever come when I would sit and look at Silver in so much distress and not want to reach for him. I just look at him, feeling cheated, righteous. But... but... The thoughts wriggle like worms through my brain and I try to squash them, but not with any real intent.

You pushed him away. You drove him away. You hurt him.

But he cheated on me. He fell in love with someone else.

You made him believe that you didn’t love him. You hurt him. You drove him away.

But he betrayed me. He hurt me. He slept with another man. He loved him.

He’s not like you, not like anyone else. He needs love. He needs to be built up again and you tore him down, you threw him away and made him believe he was worthless.

But he betrayed me. He fell in love. He fell in love with someone else. He left me and he fell in love with someone else.

You betrayed him. He needed love and you took his love and threw it back in his face.

And suddenly it washed through me in a deep, bitter tide. Suddenly I understand the depth of my betrayal. I had loved someone else too and I had let that love come between us. I had failed him when he needed me most. I had been angry with him, hated him for making me have to choose when there should never have been a choice. I wouldn’t have hurt Ben by letting him stay at Sam’s but in forcing Silver to leave I had been hurting him, killing him.

He had every right to hit out at me, every right to spite me, to get revenge. God I’m a fool. I’m still a fool. He wasn’t looking for revenge. He was looking for what I had taken away from him... acceptance, love, self respect. I should be grateful to Ash for giving my precious Silver what he needed, what I didn’t and ultimately what I couldn’t

“Silver...”

His head snaps up, his eyes wild. “Do you hate me, River? Do you? I wasn’t a whore, I swear it. I danced but there was no one... well no one who... no one except Ash.”

“Do you still love me?”

“Oh God yes. Even when... when I was... I always loved you. Ash said...” His face and voice change at the mention of his name. There is a flash of anger but this time I am ready for it. He deserves better than that from me. “He said that home isn’t a place, it’s a feeling... somewhere, or someone that completes you. All the time I was there I thought of you. One of the reasons I was so... pulled to Ash was because he reminded me of you. His hair...” Dreamily he reaches out his hand towards my hair but then he snatches it back again and looks down.

“I never stopped thinking about you and it hurt, because I thought I knew you didn’t want me any more. I kept thinking over and over... why? Why did you stop loving me? What had I done? I hurt so bad, I needed... I needed... someone.”

Now it hurts. Now I want to reach for him. Now I want to make the pain go away. Now I am angry... not because of what I perceive he’s done to me but because I know what I did to him. But when I reach for him he pulls away.

“Today... yesterday, I decided to come home. I realised that... that you are my home, that you are the thing that completes me. You always were and you always will be. I didn’t know if you still loved me, if you even cared any more but I had to find out. Ash knew it. I didn’t tell him but he knew it. He knew I was leaving. I was going to leave tomorrow... today. He knew I was leaving him but still...he still...” I try to reach for him again but he shakes his head hard. “His last words were to make me promise I would come home to you.”

This time I don’t hesitate to hold him and I don’t take no for an answer. I take him into my arms and hold him as tightly as I can. He is shaking so badly it scares me and I can’t get close enough.

On a whim, I leap out of the car, run around the front, wrench his door open throw myself onto the ground, practically dragging him out onto the pavement. People pass. I don’t care.

“Don’t hate me, River. Please don’t hate me.” He sobs hysterically.

“Hush. I don’t hate you. I swear I don’t hate you. It’s you who should hate me. I was the one who betrayed you, who drove you away. You need love like a flower needs rain and sun and I cut off your roots. You were dying and I knew it but I didn’t know how to stop it.

“What I told you about David is just as true about Ash. There is room for a lot of love in the world, in you. If he made you happy then I am eternally grateful to him, especially when all I was doing was making you sad and sick. And what he did... he gave you what I didn’t, what I couldn’t give you... life; yourself. I will always be grateful to him for that.”

“You don’t... don’t hate me?”

“How many times do I have to tell you?” I smile and nestle his head into my shoulder, stroking his hair. “I won't lie to you, Silver. I will never lie to you or hide the way I feel from you again. It’s hard for me to think of you with someone else. And for a minute I was angry but... I’ve always known who you are and what you were. I know that you don’t see things in the same way as I do and...”

“But I do, River. I didn’t, but now I do. I thought that going back would save me, that being with people like me, doing the things I used to do, that I was good at would make me feel safe again, make life simple like it used to be. But it wasn't. Nothing was the same. It couldn’t have been because I wasn’t the same.

“There was a man... the first one and the last. Tony sent him to me as a punishment, because he was jealous about Ash. He... he called me ‘slave’ and made me call him ‘master’. He beat me and he hurt me but... he did me such a favour.” He goes quiet again twisting his ring. “It was when... when he wanted to... to... I couldn’t River, I just couldn’t and suddenly it was all so clear. I didn’t want what I thought I wanted. I couldn’t be part of that world any more because it’s wrong. It’s dark and sick and abusive and... and... It’s dirty, River and I’m not. I’m not a slave any more. I tried to get away but... but he had a knife and... and Ash...”

“Ssh, Silver, it’s alright. You don’t have to tell me any more.”

“There isn’t any more. That’s it. All my dirty little secrets.”

“They’re not dirty, Silver and neither are you. That man, as evil as he was, did you a service. He freed you. I can see it in your eyes. I saw it from the start but I didn’t know what it was. Now I do... it’s freedom.”

We hug and cry and I know it must sound strange but after all the fear and pain something I thought would destroy me, liberates me. A weight has been lifted from my shoulders. It’s going to be alright now.

“Can I get up now, get back in the car? It’s cold and I feel foolish kneeling on the pavement.”

“Of course you can. It wasn’t my idea in the first place.” He pulls back and smiles. It isn’t the most radiant smile I have ever seen but it does kindle the spark. His eyes are like stormy seas now and not black holes. I realise with a lurch of conscience, that I haven't seen them silver for a long time.

It is cold and I hurry to get back in the car, shivering. Silver is sitting quietly with his head down, hiccupping occasionally.

“Don't worry we’ll soon be home. You can have a bath and sleep if you like. You look as if you have been up all night.”

“I have.”

“Then you can go to bed, but not before I feed you. You’ve lost weight. You look skinny.”

Silver smiles at me then, up through his hair like he always used to. “You’re only saying that because you’re getting fat.”

“I have not... well maybe I have been comfort eating a bit.”

“Did you miss me?”

“Miss you? I’ve been insane, Silver, truly insane. Sam and I never stopped searching.”

“I'm sorry.”

“No! Don’t be sorry, never be sorry. It wasn’t you. It was never you; always me. It was all my fault.”

“Not all.”

“Well alright. I think all but I’ll settle for most.”

He smiles again. “What about Ben?” he asks and there is something in his voice that makes me feel ill.

“Ben’s at Sam’s. He’ll be in bed by now, full of Hester’s hot chocolate if I know her. Maybe we can go and see him in the morning.”

His head comes up in desperate hope and breaks my heart. “Do you mean...?”

“Ben’s staying over at Sam’s. He’s been doing that a lot lately.”

“Does that mean I can stay? I can stay with you tonight?”

I ignore the stab of pain at the hopefulness in his voice and smile at him. “Tonight and every night. I am never going to let you go again.”

At last that beautiful golden smile spreads over his face and blows me away. My heart just about bursts with joy. He’s back, my Silver is back. I don’t care what he looks like or what happened when he was gone; he’s back and we can get back to normal again.

Of course the strain of what’s going on with Social Services, is still hanging over me, like the Sword of Damocles but somehow it doesn’t seem to be so important any more. Of course I want Ben to come home, for us all to be together but I know that it will all happen as it is supposed to, in the end. Of course I still love Ben, I still want him home but he’ll be alright with Sam. He’s going to be wild when he sees the new Silver.

The rest of the journey is silent but it is a good silence, a companionable silence – the silence of friends.