The Castaway Hotel - 6 - 36. Chapter 36 - Apprehensions

Now that the graduations were over, I knew it was time to prepare for three upcoming events – Nick’s going to Brazil as an exchange student, Peter coming to live with us as an exchange student and our family’s summer vacation.

Nick had left to spend some time with his parents before he was scheduled to go to South America. He would stay with them and then fly out of Oklahoma to Brazil, when it was time to leave. He was going to be out of the country until the following May and I had scheduled a few side trips for him, so he would get to see some of the other South American countries before he returned.

Nick was really excited, before he left us to be with his parents, and I was proud of how hard he had worked to get ready for this experience. He has been studying Portuguese on his own, learning it from a program I purchased for the computer. He said it wasn’t that hard, because it was similar to the Spanish he learned in school. Still, I was amazed at how hard he worked and how much he seemed to be willing to do to make the most of this opportunity. He was growing up and much different from the young boy who ran away from home and came to live with us. I was more than pleased by his progress over the short time I had known him.

Before he left to visit his parents, I prepared him for some other things he would need to be aware of while he was away. We sat down and had a little father to son talk one day, during which I informed him of the fact that AIDS is a major factor in Brazil, even more so than most other nations. I then advised him about what he should do to protect himself, which was primarily abstinence, but Nick told me he didn’t know if he could do that. He said he felt he had to be honest with me, and he knew he had trouble controlling himself when he was around other cute boys, so I thanked him for his honesty and offered him a secondary plan. This was ONLY to be used when he couldn’t resist the urges, but emphasized it would be best, and safest, to stay away from casual contacts.

For those times when his willpower wasn’t sufficient, I provided him with condoms to use. I also informed him that prophylactics were not foolproof and could contain flaws that would allow the virus to spread. I reiterated, several times, these devices were not the answer to protecting himself, but they were better than using nothing.

I also told Nick to check out the local laws concerning sexual issues, since I thought it might help discourage him from trying much while he was away. I also didn’t want him having to spend time in a Brazilian prison for breaking some law he didn’t know about or didn’t understand. He assured me he would do this and promised he would be extremely careful. I reiterated that I hoped so, as I’d hate to have something happen to him merely because he gave in to his hormones, when he knew better.

I took him to the airport when he left for Oklahoma, but he said good-bye to everyone else beforehand. Prior to boarding his flight, he thanked me for worrying about him and making sure he was aware of all these things before he departed. After telling me this, he started off toward his gate, but then ran back to give me a hug and tell me he loved me. I kissed him on the forehead, told him I loved him too and then made him promise to write, email or call me from time to time.

I had provided Nick with a couple of pre-paid calling cards, so he’d be able to keep in touch and his host family wouldn’t have to pay for the calls and it wouldn’t be as expensive as a collect call. Once this had been agreed to, he took off again, but stopped before he went through the metal detector, so he could turn and wave good-bye to me once more.

After I returned from seeing Nick off, I had to start getting ready for the next event. Peter was scheduled to arrive the following weekend, so I had to prepare for his arrival as well. It seemed as if most of the boys were excited about his joining us and many offered to help me move things around, so he’d have a room of his own. I thought he’d prefer this to having to share a room with Ricky again, since he had already suffered enough putting up with Ricky in Australia.

On the vacation front, this summer I had planned to take the boys to see the northern mid-west, starting in Wyoming, touring the Dakotas and then doing some camping and canoeing in Minnesota. First we’d do the typical sightseeing things, like seeing Yellowstone National Park, the Black Hills and Mount Rushmore, and then we’d spend a couple of weeks camping and canoeing on the many lakes in Minnesota. We’d take our time, enjoy nature, relax and have fun, which I thought would be nice for all of us.

We were busy discussing our plans, and pinpointing the things everyone wanted to do, when something else popped up. It was Cody, and the issues surrounding his health. Suddenly he seemed to be getting tired a lot more, was running slight temps every now and then and seemed to be having problems with his breathing. I called the doctor and set up an appointment for him, figuring this was just one of those minor setbacks that often occurred when recovering from a devastating disease. That was before Graham stepped into the picture and complicated it slightly. He came up to me one afternoon, a couple of days before Peter was to arrive. Once we were alone, he let me know we desperately needed to talk.

“Dad, I think it’s happening again,” he told me.

“What’s happening again?” I asked him.

“My gift,” he stated somberly, while giving me that ‘why do I have to have this’ look.

“What do you mean?” I countered, still uncertain as to what he was getting at.

“Well, you know Cody has always had kind of a gray haze around his body when I look at him?” This wasn’t a comment and he seemed to be putting it in the form of a question, so I thought I’d better respond.

“Yes, you’ve told me that before,” I replied.

“Well, it’s changing. It’s getting darker now,” he informed me, and I could see he looked slightly unnerved by his observation.

“What do you mean, darker?” I pressed, since I wanted some clarification.

“It’s already as dark as it was around you, before you had your heart attack,” he told me, but now it’s getting even darker. I’m afraid it’s going to turn black, like it did with Brent.” He now had tears in his eyes.

“It hasn’t got that dark yet, has it?” I asked, slightly panicked, but he shook his head in response.

“Good, and this doesn’t necessarily mean it will,” I offered, reassuringly. “Don’t push the panic button just yet, okay little buddy?” I was trying hard to be as positive as I could, but now I was also trying to calm myself.

Up until this point, his accuracy on these predictions had been amazingly on target. Therefore, I was quite concerned by his observation and worried about Cody’s well-being. At this point Graham looked up at me, and not only were there tears in his eyes, but he had this extremely pathetic look etched on his face. It almost broke my heart just seeing him this way.

“Dad, I’m not sure what I’ll do if something happens to him,” he confided. “I’ve never felt this way about anyone before and I really don’t know what I’d do if he wasn’t around. Yeah, I love my brother, Cole, and I love you a whole bunch too, but it’s not the same. I love him differently and I don’t want to lose him.”

I reached out and took a hold of Graham’s arm and pulled him toward me, so I could hug him. “Hey, little man, let’s not put the cart before the horse,” I told him. “Nothing has happened to him yet, so let’s not start worrying about what we’ll do if something does. I think it’s best if we spend our time loving him, while trying to make him feel better and seeing if there is anything we can do to help him instead. I’ve already set up an appointment for him with his doctor tomorrow, so when I take him, I’ll see what the doctor has to say. I’m sure he’ll be able to tell us if anything is seriously wrong with Cody. Okay?”

Graham looked at me and nodded, but not convincingly. That told me I hadn’t really been able to make him feel better about this situation. In an effort to do more, I hugged him again and hoped it might be possible for me to somehow magically absorb all of his worries and take them away, but I knew that wouldn’t happen. That’s because I harbored many of the same fears myself.

After staying like this for a few more minutes, he finally announced he wanted to go spend time with Cody, to see if he was feeling any better. I told him I thought that was a good idea and sent him on his way. Once he had disappeared, I considered how I would deal with him later, if we discovered something WAS seriously wrong with Cody. However, since I hoped that wouldn’t happen in the near future, I too remained focused on the here and now.

When I took Cody to his appointment the following day, the doctor checked him over very carefully, took some x-rays, ran blood tests and ordered a few other tests too. I stayed with Cody the whole time, as he didn’t seem to want to be left alone. While we were sitting by ourselves in the examination room, he started a conversation with me.

“It’s back, isn’t it?” he asked.

“I’m not sure, Cody,” I responded, since I wasn’t certain. “That’s what we’re here to find out.”

“I know it is. I feel just like I did when we first discovered I had it,” he admitted.

“Well, if that’s the case, then I’m sure the doctor will begin another treatment regimen for you,” I countered, trying to sound confident. “We knew this might happen.”

“Do you think I’ll ever get any better?” he wondered, as he looked at me with this quizzical expression. I wanted to reassure him, but I didn’t want to give him false hope.

“Cody, the doctor will do all he can to make you better and none of us will give up until we’ve done everything we can do to get you healthy,” I promised. “Does that answer your question?”

“I guess,” he responded, although he didn’t sound too sure, “but I’m not convinced I’m going to get better.”

“Why do you say that?” I wondered.

“I dunno. It’s just a feeling I have,” he explained, without really explaining anything.

“I want you to let go of all those negative feelings and get them out of your head,” I urged, “because I want my boy to get better and live a long and happy life.”

He smiled at me, although weakly, and then we sat and waited for the doctor to return. It wasn’t much longer before he came in to speak with us. He had a concerned look on his face as he entered and I became fearful he had bad news for us.

“Josh, maybe we should speak in private,” he said, while giving me a stern glance.

“No, I want to know what’s going on,” Cody barked out, before I had a chance to respond. “It’s about me and I have a right to know what it is.”

I looked at Cody and then at the doctor. I merely nodded my head, to let the doctor know he should just tell us whatever news he had, together.

“If you think it’s best,” he began, but I could tell he still had his doubts. He didn’t look comfortable about Cody hearing what he had to say.

“The x-rays show some tumors on Cody’s lungs,” he announced. “These are going to complicate his recovery and I really think he should be taken to Sloan-Kettering, in New York City. They’re much better equipped and staffed to handle this sort of condition.”

“Okay, I’m familiar with them,” I replied, but didn’t say more, because I didn’t want to alarm Cody. I knew the proper name of the facility was Memorial Sloan-Kettering Cancer Center and I understood they usually tackled the toughest cases, the ones that couldn’t be handled elsewhere. I didn’t want to say anything that might alarm Cody, so I was very careful in choosing my words.

“What should we do next, doctor?” I continued.

“Nothing right now,” he responded. “I’ll contact them to make the arrangements and then I’ll contact you about what you should do next.”

“Are you sure there’s nothing I can do to help?” I pressed.

“Yes, I think it best if I speak with them and make the arrangements personally.” After saying this, he glanced over at Cody, to make sure he wasn’t getting overly excited about what was being said.

“They’re very good,” he told Cody, “and they have many things at their disposal, which I do not. I think it’s best you go there and get checked out by them now.”

I knew he was sidestepping what he really wanted to say, and how he wanted to say it, just because Cody was in the room. Realizing this, we talked a little more, to give Cody the impression he was being fully apprised of his situation and then we sent him off with a nurse, to undergo weighing, measuring, and things of that nature. Once he left the room, the doctor and I talked more openly.

“Josh, this isn’t good,” he confessed. “In fact, it’s quite a setback. Those tumors on his lungs will complicate things significantly and I’m not sure if the doctors at Sloan-Kettering can safely eliminate them. I’m quite concerned about this.”

“I know you are and so am I,” I admitted, before hesitating a second. Once I knew what I wanted to say, I asked my question.

“Doc, what are his chances?” It was quite blunt, but I needed to know.

“Josh, I won’t try to assuage you or give you false hopes,” he began. “I’m greatly troubled by what we’ve just discovered and I consider it a major setback. I’m not sure there is anything even Sloan-Kettering will be able to do for him, but we have to try.”

I don’t think either of us was ready to mention that Cody might possibly die, but we both understood the situation was very serious. Now, I’d have to go home and tell Jake, but I hadn’t decided how much I was going to tell the boys. I knew it wouldn’t be any more than I absolutely had to, but it was how I was going to tell them that bothered me. I didn’t want to panic anyone and I certainly didn’t want the boys to start treating Cody differently, because then he’d know something was up. I wanted to keep him as calm as possible, so I’d only tell the others I was taking Cody to Sloan-Kettering to be examined. I’d have Jake fill them in better, once we’d left, so they’d understand how serious it was. I thought this would be best for everyone concerned.

Once we were able to be alone, I sat down with Jake and explained everything to him, in detail. He was worried too, but he also thought it would be best we didn’t tell everything to the boys. After discussing this in more detail, we called the boys together, for a little meeting, so we could fill them in all at once. It was now almost the end of May, so everyone was home for the summer, and we gathered in the family room, were I would explain about Cody’s current condition.

“Boys, I just wanted to let you know that the doctor thinks Cody should be examined by doctors at Sloan-Kettering Medical Center in New York,” I began. “Cody has some growths on his lungs and the oncologist thinks the doctors there would know best what to do next. He’s making the appointment for us, so Cody and I may be gone for a while. I just wanted to let you know what was happening.”

“Is Cody going to be okay?” Andrew asked next.

“I don’t see why not” I replied, trying to ease his concerns. “This is just a little setback and Cody’s doctor thinks it would be best if the doctors there look at him.”

“Why’s that?” Sammy asked.

“The oncologist says the doctors there do this more often, so he thinks they’ll know better how to take care of him, that’s all,” I explained.

“Isn’t this coming weekend when Peter is supposed to arrive?” Ricky pointed out. I had almost forgotten about this and quickly turned toward Jake.

“Would you be able to pick him up for me,” I asked, “and please apologize to him for my not being there.” Jake agreed, so that issue was settled.

There were a few more questions, which I answered as best I could, and then the boys went about their business. Graham, however, stayed behind, because he wished to talk to me alone.

“I’m going with you when you take Cody there,” he said quite forcefully, once the others had left the room.

“I think it would be best if you stayed here, with Jake and your brothers,” I told him, trying to retake control of the situation. I barely got the words out of my mouth, before he shouted back at me.

“NO WAY! I’m going with Cody. I’m not going to let him be there all alone.” I could read the determination on his face, but I still didn’t think it would be wise for him to be there too.

“He won’t be alone,” I advised him. “I’ll be with him.” He seemed to calm down a bit before he responded.

“I know you will, but I meant I don’t want him to have to be there without me,” he explained. “Dad, you must know how close we are now, so if he’s sick or in trouble, I want to be there for him.”

“I know you do, Graham, but there won’t be much you’ll be able to do for him.” I reasoned. “He’ll have plenty of doctors and nurses to look after him, beside me.”

“But the doctors and nurses won’t be hugging and kissing him or holding his hand,” he countered. “I know you will, but it won’t be the same. I think he’ll do better if I’m there with him.”

“Graham, I’m not sure if you’d even be allowed in,” I persisted. “The doctors might want to limit his contact with others as much as possible, until they get a handle on whatever this is.”

“Dad, I have a bad feeling about this, especially after seeing the haze around him getting darker,” he pleaded. “I’m afraid if I don’t go with him, I might never get to see him alive again.” This cut me to the quick, because I wondered the same thing. Now, I understood why this was bothering him so much.

“Okay, I’ll call the doctor and ask him to check with the hospital,” I offered. “If they say it’s okay and they’ll allow you to be there, then I’ll let you go. Otherwise, you’ll have to stay here with the others. Deal?”

He didn’t want to agree to this, because he feared he still might get left behind, but I think he also figured this was going to be the best offer he was going to get from me. Reluctantly, he gave in and accepted my idea.

“Okay, deal, but they’d better let me go,” he challenged, and I knew he was serious. Once again he had a determined look on his face, but he turned and left after he said this and I was sure he was going to find Cody next.