Home - 3. Chapter 3

“Is everything alright?”

Helen popped her head around the door, the smell of bacon following her.

“Yes. No. I thought...”

Luke was staring at Ryden, totally wrapped up in him. Helen walked across the floor and brushed the hair out of her son’s face, gently wiping the spilled milk. She squeezed Luke’s shoulder.

“You can’t expect miracles, sweetheart.”

Luke looked up at her and her heart turned over at the pain in his eyes.

“How can you do it? How can you sit with him every day; talk to him, watch him...go, and… and stay positive?”

“I believe in him. I know he can do this. I trust him. And I love him. I know how hard it is for him; how hard he’s trying and I would go to the ends of the earth to give him on more smile; one more hug; one more moment of happiness. I put everything I have into making whatever time we can have together the best it can possibly be and I look forward to them, to every single moment. I hope so hard but hope is... the future. I try to live in the now.”

She smiled at Luke and then she turned her eyes to Ryden and the smile changed. “He tries hard you know. He knows what happening to him and he tries. Sometimes... sometimes he gets upset; he gets scared but... He’s always smiling; he always keeps trying so...”

When she glanced at Luke again there were tears in her eyes. “Do you want some bacon?”

He nodded wordlessly. Gently laying Ryden back onto the pillows, he followed her into the kitchen.

When Sam came she was delighted to see Luke. “I’m so glad you came. I know how much Ryden wanted you to.”

“I... I'm glad I got things straightened out.”

“Are you staying?”

“Absolutely.”

“Would you like to help this morning?”

“Help?”

“It takes some doing; getting Ry ready for the day. I think he would really appreciate it being you who did it.”

“I...er...yeah.”

It came as a real shock to Luke, watching Sam work, standing helplessly. It was hard for him to watch the less pleasant aspects of caring for someone who’s bedbound and, for the most part, helpless. He was shocked, embarrassed, disturbed and the thing that upset him most was realising the raw truth about what was happening to his lover. It was horrible to see him so helpless and reliant on others for his basic needs.

Ryden didn’t wake, not properly, throughout the process and Sam made jokes that Luke had worn him out. Luke didn’t appreciate it.

When she’d gone Luke sat on the bed and stared at Ryden. By the time Helen came back from seeing Sam out, his face was wet.

“It’s hard, Luke. Every day is a hurdle but every day’s an opportunity too. Looking after him is a pleasure to me because I’m giving him something. I’m giving back to someone who has given me so much pleasure in my life. Try to get past the way he is, Luke. Try to remember who he was.”

He looked up and his lips moved, although he said nothing; then he clamped them together and nodded.

Still shocked and scared, Luke lay down on the bed next to Ryden and remembered.

“Hey.”

Luke turned his head and Ryden frowned. With some difficulty he raised his hand and touched the wetness on Luke’s face. Luke captured his hand and turned his head to kiss it, then looked into his eyes.

“Ry... how do you feel?”

“Feel? I... I don’t know... about what?”

“This...you...the things that... that people have to do to you... I guess you know.”

Ryden winced. “Yeah... I know.”

“Does it...? Do you...?”

“How do you think I feel? I hate it.” He was half sitting against a mound of pillows, and he pulled away from Luke, trying to turn away.

“Don’t. Don’t turn away from me, babe. I need to know. I need to know how you feel.”

“Why? What difference does it make? What difference does it make how I feel? I can't do a fucking thing about it.”

“I need to know, Ry,” Luke repeated softly.

“Okay. How do I feel? I feel like shit. I’m tired all the time. I HATE it when I fall asleep in the middle of something; when I wake up and see people I love crying, or... or hear them talking about me; about how it hurts them; about my future. I’m angry with myself because, no matter how hard I try— and whatever you think, I do—nothing changes. I can’t do it. I just can’t do it and... and I’m scared. I’m scared rigid about what’s going to happen. I’m scared that nothing will change. I’m scared that I’ll be like this forever and my friends won’t come anymore and will forget me... and my family won’t be able to cope. They want to send me away, to somewhere I’ll be cared for by strangers and my Mam will come, but I don’t know if I’ll be awake when she does and... and... I’m scared Luke.”

“Oh fuck, Ry. Oh fuck.”

Luke felt like he’d been punched in the guts. For some reason he hadn’t thought Ryden would be so aware of what was happening; of what might happen. Why had he thought that he’d just be drifting through life— sleeping, waking, while life went on around him. But it wasn’t; it wasn’t going on around him; he was going on with it. He hadn’t really thought about how it was for Ryden; how it felt to be on the inside looking out. He felt like shit.

“I’m sorry, Ry; I’m so sorry. I’ve been such a twat. I’ve been thinking only about myself; how hard it is for me. I haven't even thought how hard it is for you.”

Ryden didn’t answer. He was clinging to Luke, sobbing desperately.

“Ry, it’s okay. I swear it’s going to be okay. I’m here and I will always be here. If you’re only awake for five minutes then I’ll spend 5 minutes telling you how much I love you; how much you mean to me. I’ll spend five minutes holding you and kissing you and being close to you. I’ll spend five minutes looking into your eyes and loving the fuck out of you. If you can manage ten minutes then I’ll show you a good time and half an hour would buy you the best shag of your life. But five minutes... five minutes is enough. I can go on with five minutes a day.

“I’ll never leave you, Ry, never. I won’t let anyone lock you away or abandon you to strangers. I’ll be there; every day I’ll be there. There is nothing to be scared of because I’ll look after you. I swear I will look after you.” Ryden’s lips moved to say something, but Luke shook his head and touched his lips, silencing him, while he went on, gazing intently into Ryden’s eyes.

“I’ve been a kid; never grown up. We both have. We’ve been spoiled; had an easy ride, but I’ve grown up now. I’m going to get a job and a flat and you can move in with me. It’ll take some time, but I’m going to see if I can get the job with the museum back. I think I can.They understand. Then, I need to save up some money for a deposit and stuff We’ll- have to plan a move... but I’m sure that your Mam will look after you until then. You have nothing to be afraid of. And I don’t ever want to see you cry again.”

Slowly, slowly the sobbing calmed and eventually Ryden lay quiet in his arms. He thought he’d fallen asleep again.

“It hurts, Luke.”

Luke pulled back, surprised, so he could look into his face.

“What hurts?”

“Everything. My back, my head, my... everything.”

“You didn’t say.”

“No.”

“Why not?”

“I’m trying... Trying not to... to... be...”

“Hey, if there’s one thing you don’t have to be it’s a martyr. If you hurt you have to say. I don’t know what we can do, but there’s bound to be something. Start with one thing. What’s hurting now? Just one thing that’s hurting now.”

“My back. It hurts all the time. It aches and...”

“Okay. \Turn over.”

Luke eased Ryden onto his stomach, which wasn't easy and involved some casting away of pillows and manoeuvring of equipment, but eventually he was comfortable. Luke knelt, straddling him and started to massage the wasted muscles in his back and thighs.

“Oooh.”

“Feel good?”

“Uh huh.”

“So, in future, when you hurt what are you going to do?”

“Tell you.”

“I can't promise a massage every time. I can’t even promise I’ll be able to help but I’ll try.”

“I know.”

“I’ve missed this, Ry. I’ve missed this so much. You have such a beautiful body.”

“Not anymore.”

“Oh God yes, yes you do. Every inch of it is beautiful.”

Luke leaned down and started to kiss every square inch of Ryden’s body, he could reach, beginning at his shoulders and moving downwards.

“Oh, Luke.” Ry sighed and his body started to shake, as he muffled tears in the pillow.

“Hey. No crying. No more crying. I’m here. I’m going to take care of you.”

“I know.”

Even after he knew Ryden was asleep, Luke carried on massaging him, for three reasons. First, he genuinely wanted to make a difference to Ryden; he wanted to make him feel better. Second,he knew now that, even though Ryden seemed to be asleep, he was still aware. And third, to be honest, he really enjoyed it.

Eventually, he lay down next to Ryden and stroked his back, feeling calm and closer to him than he ever had.

“Is everything alright?”

Helen startled him.

“I think so. I didn’t realise... I didn’t think about how it is for him. Do you know how scared he is?”

“In a way. What’s he scared of?”

“He’s scared that he won’t get better and we’ll give up on him and send him away.”

“I would never...”

“It doesn’t matter, because I made him a promise and I intend to keep it. I’m going back to work and I’m going to save up and, as soon as I can afford it I’m going to get us a place of our own. Somewhere I can care for him; be there for him. Where we can be on our own, can live whatever life he can.”

“Luke, you know that I'd never...”

“Never’s a long time Helen, and I WANT to do this. I really want it. I think he does too.”

“I know that’s what he’d want. It’ll be hard for me to let him go, but I know you’ll take care of him. It’s going to take a lot of planning and hard work though. Are you sure you want that responsibility?”

“Yes. I’m sure.”

She smiled and nodded. “So, what’s all this about?”

“He’s hurting. He said that he’s hurting all the time. His back’s bad and other things are sore and uncomfortable.”

“Oh hell. Of course he must be hurting and I never thought... I’m so glad you came, Luke. We’ll make it better for him.”

“Yeah. I’m going to get some oils, so I can rub them into his back. I think it’ll be nice for him.”

“I think it’d be wonderful. I’ll speak to the doctor and see if he can give him something to help with pain.”

They smiled at each other, feeling true camaraderie.

Later, they sat together and ate dinner. Ryden was asleep and they were taking time to relax and get to know each other again.

“You’ve grown up, Luke. You were always a thoughtful boy, but I didn’t realise how strong you are.”

“I’m not strong. I’m just... I love him a lot. Are you... are you okay with that?”

“Of course I’m okay with it. I’ve always been okay with it. It was a shock. It came from nowhere and I suppose I was swept away by the strength of Robert’s feelings about it. Looking back, I should have stood up to him and supported Ryden. I’ll go to my grave regretting that, no matter what happens.”

“I don’t think Ry would want that.”

“I know he wouldn’t, but that’s not the point.”

“No. Helen... why is he like this? Has anyone... I mean have they said why he’s... like this?”

“No. No one can give me any answers. Initially, he was in a coma because of the head injury but he came through that and everyone was expecting him to wake up. We thought he had. He opened his eyes, even spoke to us and we all thought he was on his way to waking, to coming back to us— but he never did. He just... never did.” She paused, dabbing her eyes with a tissue from a box on the table. Luke realised there were boxes all over the place. Clearly, Helen had been doing a lot of crying. “But he didn’t go back into a coma, either so no one knows what’s going on. Gradually, he came to be awake for longer and longer but then... it stopped and... The only answer anyone can give is that it’s psychological.”

“What? It...it’s in his head?”

“No, not exactly. They think maybe what happened when... when he had the accident… that something was so traumatic his mind won’t accept it. Part of him wants to wake up and part won’t let him.”

“Fuck. I didn’t... I didn’t realise. So what...? Has he ever... ever talked about what happened?”

“No. He’s touched on it, said how scared he was but...”

“Oh shit, this just keeps getting more and more fucked up. Oh... sorry.”

“Don’t worry. We’ve all cursed, plenty. It’s a fucked up situation.”

Once Luke got over the shock of Helen swearing he grinned at her.

The afternoon wore on slowly and Ryden didn’t wake. Luke sat watching him, his mind in turmoil. Eventually Ryden stirred and sighed. “Luke?”

“I’m here.”

“What you doing?”

“Watching you.”

“Stalker.”

“Yeah... you love it.”

“I love you.”

“How you doing?”

“Okay. Will you hold me?”

Luke got onto the bed, behind him and cuddled in close, pulling Ryden against him and wrapping his arms around him. Ryden sighed and snuggled his head into Luke’s shoulder.

“I’ve missed you; missed this.”

“I haven’t. I haven’t even remembered you half the time.”

“Well... I’m not giving you the chance to forget me again.”

“No. Did you mean it? What you said. Did you mean it?”

“Mean what?”

“About us getting a place together.”

“Of course I meant it.”

“You can’t do it, Luke.”

“What do you mean? Don’t you want it?”

“Of course I want it but... I can’t ask you to do that. You’d have to practically give up your life and...”

“You are my life.”

“Luke, be reasonable, realistic.”

“No Ryden. You be reasonable and listen to what I have to say. I love you. I want to be with you. You need me and I’m there for you. It’s all very simple.”

“It is for you.”

“For you, too. You’ve enough to worry about; let me worry about this.”

“I’m...”

“Ry, shut up.” Luke could feel him smile. “Ry... there’s something I wanted to ask you.”

“Uhuh?”

“Do you remember the accident?” Ryden’s body stiffened. Luke could feel his breathing quicken. “Ry?”

“Yeah.”

“What do you remember?”

“Everything.”

“What happened?”

“I...I don’t want to…”

“Well you have to. I need to know. You owe me that.”

“I…” There was a long pause during which Ryden barely breathed. Luke could practically feel the battle inside. Finally he let his breath out in a long sigh and his body relaxed. “There was an argument and I... I was coming to see you. I was angry and upset and... and I... It was dark and... raining and... and I... I fell.”

“Did you?”

“What do you mean?”

There was tension in his voice that scared Luke. “Ry, was there someone there, when you fell?”

“I... no... I...”

“Ry, don’t lie to me. If we’re going to be together, there can’t be anything like this between us. You have to trust me. You have to tell me.”

“I...can’t...”

“I think you can.”

“No... no I... I’m tired, Luke.”

Luke sat up and rolled Ryden onto his back. Ryden wouldn’t look at him. “Oh no you don’t. Not this time. You’re not going to sleep this time, not until you tell me.”

“There’s nothing to tell.”

“Look at me. Look at me, Ry. Look at me and tell me there was no one there and I’ll believe you.”

Ryden looked up at Luke, his wide blue eyes pleading, but Luke forced his face into a mask. “There was no one there.” But he couldn’t keep his eyes on Luke’s. He turned his face away and Luke turned it back.

“Ry... There’s something you have to understand. The doctors...They think that... that part of what’s happening to you is because your mind’s hiding from something that happened that night, something so traumatic it won’t let you remember, won’t let you wake up . You’re not going to get better until you tell the truth. I’m not going to let it keep on hurt you like this. I’m going to make you tell me eventually and I know it’s going to hurt but I’m here. I’ll always be here.”

Ryden swallowed and started to shake. Luke hugged him, but it didn’t help this time. “Ry?” Ryden’s eyes were squeezed shut, his hands in fists, bunched in the bedclothes. “Stop it, Ry. Relax; don’t work yourself up like this. Whatever it is can’t be that bad.”

“I... can’t...”

“Yes you can. I know you, Ry, and this isn’t you. You’re not like this; not a scared little boy. You’re strong and brave and...”

“No, I’m not.”

“Ry, you have to be.”

Finally Ryden opened his eyes and met Luke’s. He looked dazed and Luke knew he was struggling with more than just the question.

“Ry... you’re not going to get past this unless you open up to me. No one can make you better babe, but you can make yourself better.”

“Yes.”

“Yes what?”

“Yes there was someone there.”

“Who?”

Ryden shook his head, his eyes wandering away. Luke trapped his face between his hands and forced him to look at him. “Who was there, Ry?”

“He didn’t push me.”

“Who was there?”

Ryden’s eyes fluttered and Luke could feel his body relaxing, but he forced his eyelids to rise over heavy, drugged eyes.

“I... was angry,” he whispered. “It was raining and... I sat on the seat. I was wet and cold and I... I started to cry. He... I didn’t...hear... him. He was... he... called me a cry baby, said he should have known I was... He said I’d always been more like a girl. He said... he said... and I just got more... and... and more mad. I... I couldn’t...”

Luke closed his eyes tightly, knowing what was coming and not wanting to hear it. Ryden’s voice slurred and Luke almost wanted him to sleep... to stop.

“I... couldn’t... I had to... He was... he said... I... I snapped and I... I threw...myself... I hit him and... and he... he hit me... hit me back and I...we were...we... I... I... wet...and... cold... and... slipped... He... tried... he... grabbed but...but I... I... I...”

“Who was it?” Luke whispered. “Who was it?”

“Dad,” Ryden whispered before his body jerked once and then went limp.

Luke was frozen, staring at him with horror in his eyes. Helen found them there, unmoved, sometime later.

“Luke? Is everything alright? Is he...? Luke?”

Luke raised dazed eyes and tried to speak but no words came. Helen panicked. “Luke... what is it? What’s happened? Is Ryden alright?”

Luke nodded dumbly and Ryden stirred, whimpering. “Sshh, it’s alright. You’re safe; it’s alright, you’re safe.” Ryden relaxed and murmured something unintelligible then slipped deeper, his breathing evening out and the rapid movements behind his eyelids ceasing.

“Luke... what happened? What do you mean ‘safe’?”

“I can’t tell you.” Luke’s heart was pounding and his mouth was dry. He had no idea what to do and he was desperate to tell someone, but didn’t know who to tell and what would happen when he did. He was terrified that, if he said anything to Helen, it would unleash a whirlwind and he wasn’t sure that’s what Ryden would have wanted. Maybe the fact that he’d told someone would be enough. Maybe he’d start to heal now and one day would be able to tell for himself.

“What do you mean?”

“Helen, Ry... He... he told me something that shocked me but I... I don’t know what to do with it. I have to talk to him again. I have to know what he wants to do before I do anything.”

“Luke, if this is something that can help or hurt Ryden...”

“I know. I know; it’s just... I’m sorry Helen, but I can’t; not now, not yet”

“Luke...”

“Please don’t.”

Helen shook her head and dropped her eyes. Biting her lip she turned and walked from the room. Luke felt like shit.

“Ry... Wake up babe. Please wake up and tell me what you want me to do. I don’t know what to do with this. Fuck, I don’t know what to do. You have to tell me what to do.”

Ryden looked so peaceful, Luke came close to hating him. How the hell could he drop a bombshell like that and just go to sleep and leave him to deal with it. He started to get angry, not only because he was left alone to deal with things but because of the way he was feeling about Ryden for doing it to him. Ryden didn’t deserve this. He really didn’t deserve it. That made him even angrier.

Carefully he laid Ryden down and tucked him in. Then he left the house.

After walking for a few hours, Luke found himself on the cliff path. He sat on the seat and stared out at the sea. It was a cold but clear day and he could see the islands clearly, and the large ships drifting across the horizon. He wasn’t looking at the island or the ship or the horizon. He wasn’t seeing a bright sunny day. His mind was seeing driving rain over a brooding, crashing sea. He was hearing angry shouts and spiteful words. There were shadows; ducking, dodging, struggling then then screams and someone running away.

He couldn’t bear it. He couldn’t bear it anymore. His heart died that night and it was going to take a lot to revive it. Someone thrust a knife between his ribs and then walked away. And wasn’t fair that he should just walk away.

***

Helen looked up anxiously when she heard the door open: the look in her eyes made Luke wince.

“Is Ry okay?”

“He hasn’t moved. Where have you been: I was worried?”

“I had to clear my head. I went to the cliff.”

Helen went pale. She’d not been able to bring herself to go there since the accident and even the mention of the site made her feel sick.

“Luke I...”

“Please. I’ve been going crazy. I... I don’t know what Ry would want me to do but... I can’t... I just can’t not tell you.”

Helen nodded slowly and sat quietly, knowing that Luke was torn and nervous and not wanting him to feel pressured.

“Ry talked about... about the night it happened. I... you said that maybe... maybe that would... help and I... asked him about it.”

“He’s never talked about it to anyone.”

“No... and I know why.”

“There was someone there wasn’t there... when he fell? There was someone there.” She’d gone cold at Luke’s words and couldn’t help herself. Luke looked at her, his mouth too dry, his throat too constricted to speak. He nodded. “I knew it. I always knew it. He’d walked that path so many times.”

“I know.”

“Do you know what happened? Who it was?” Luke nodded, his eyes on the ground. “You have to tell me, Luke. You have to tell me.”

“I don’t... I don’t...” He turned to look at Ryden. “I don’t know what he wants. He hasn’t told anyone.”

“I don’t think he could, darling. He’s never had the focus, the... He’s never been well enough.”

“Don't think I’m performing miracles, Mrs Baker. I don’t know if I’m making things better or worse. Yeah he talks to me: there are moments when it seems like... like he’s here with me again; himself. But he isn’t any better, not really. He still can’t stay awake. He still isn’t any better and I really don’t know if...”

“We have to have faith, Luke. Without faith what is there? He’s going to get better, Luke.”

Luke nodded, pursing his lips. He hadn’t taken his eyes off Ryden the whole time and he wandered over to take his hand. It was limp and cold and, for a moment, he wondered, remembering how much he’d been shaking; the way his body jerked at the end. “I’m sorry, Ry. I’m sorry if you wouldn’t want this but it’s not fair. It’s not fair that you are... that you’re like this and he’s...”

Still holding tight to Ryden’s hand, Luke turned to Helen. “After the argument Ryden was on his way to see me. He sat down on the seat to try and think things through because he was so angry and confused. It was raining like hell. I remember that.” He stopped and licked his lips, looking back at Ryden again and then straightened to meet her eyes. “His dad went after him.” Helen gasped, but Luke shook his head at her. “No, please... please let me finish.” She nodded, biting her lip. “He started shouting again and Ry snapped. He couldn’t take it anymore and he... he hit him. His dad hit him back and they were fighting. Ryden slipped and... and... it happened.”

“Oh my God. Robert. He swore... He swore he’d gone straight to the pub to calm down, with his mates. He swore he hadn’t been anywhere near the cliff and he was so... In the weeks after the accident, when we thought... When we thought Ryden was going to die. He was wonderful. He sat with him and supported me and...”

“Ry wouldn’t lie; not now; not about this.”

“Oh God, Luke. I’d never... I knew there was someone there. I always knew there was someone there. But Robert... I didn’t think it would be Robert.”

“What are you going to do?”

“I don’t know. I don’t think... I don’t think I can do anything right now. I have to... I have to think about it and I have to speak to Ryden.”

“Yes. That’s what I thought. I thought that... that I shouldn’t...”

Helen got up and hugged Luke tightly. “You did the right thing, Luke. This might... this might be the key, the thing that... that brings Ryden back to us.” She let go of Luke and turned to Ryden, touching his hair. “Baby, all I have is hope. You’ve let it out now and it has to... it has to... change something.”

She clasped the hand that Luke had relinquished when she hugged him. “You’re cold, baby. I’m sorry; I didn’t realise.” She tugged up the quilt and wrapped it tightly around him. “Maybe next time he wakes up we can tell him everything’s going to be alright and we’re not going to do anything if he doesn’t want to. Maybe he won’t be so afraid anymore. Maybe.”

Ryden moaned softly and Helen glanced at Luke with a light in her eyes that had been missing lately. “Ryden... Ryden baby, can you hear me? Do you know what we’re saying? It’s going to be alright now. You’re safe now. It’s all out and you don’t have to be afraid anymore. You can wake up now sweetheart and he won’t be here anymore. He won’t ever come near you again; I’ll make sure of that. Do you hear me? Do you know?”

Ryden moaned again, but didn’t move. Neither did he move for the rest of the day or night. It hadn’t been an issue when Sam came that evening but, by the following morning, they were all concerned. He remained cold too, no matter what Helen did to try to warm him and, when Sam lifted his eyelids the rapid eye movements that had fluttered all night continued with eyes that were widely dilated.

After examining him, Sam was clearly worried.

“I’m going to ask the doctor to call as soon as possible, but you should be prepared because I’d be surprised if he didn’t take him back into hospital.”

“But... but what happened? He was doing so well.”

“No one gave you any guarantees, Helen. You always knew that he was as likely to slip back as move forward; and I’m not saying it’s all bad news. The doctor might say it’s nothing to worry about. He might recommend different drugs, or treatment that can only be given at the hospital. I know you, Helen; don’t sit here and convince yourself that it’s gone back to how it was before. You know this was an experiment and it’s no comment on you if it’s failed.”

Nevertheless, Helen was crying when she left.

“It was me,” Luke said flatly. “I made him talk about it and I knew it was hurting him. He was shaking so badly... but I kept pushing.”

“It’s was no one’s fault, Luke. You couldn’t have hurt him just by making him talk. Whatever happens, don’t blame yourself.”

“I can’t help it.” Luke climbed onto the bed and put his arms around Ryden, sobbing into his shoulder. Helen wished she could do the same but had to content herself with sitting by his side and holding his hand. Unconsciously, she rubbed it, trying to make him warm.

The doctor came at the end of the morning and, while he thoroughly examined Ryden, Luke and Helen held their breaths.

“Well... he’s still responsive, but much less than before. He’s not reacting to voices or responding to conscious stimulation very well. He’ll comply with direction but there’s no spontaneous movement. The continuous eye movement is, in fact encouraging. His brain isn’t just reacting it’s working furiously.” He frowned and tapped his fingers to his lips. “He’s very cold and pale. if I didn’t know better I’d say his body was going into shock, but there’s no injury or medical problem to suggest that.”

“What about emotional trauma?”

“That might do it, but it would have to have been pretty extreme.”

“Extreme just to him though? I mean, something we might not think extreme might be to him?”

“Oh yes. The mind is a strange thing and it’s very individualistic.”

“I think... I think he might have— had a shock I mean. I... I made him talk about the accident, about what happened and he started... he was shaking really badly and then he kind of jerked and went limp and he hasn’t moved since.”

The doctor frowned and nodded. “I’ll give him some medication and treat him as if it is shock. I’ll come back this evening and if there’s no improvement I’m going to have to take him in.”

“What if...? What if it is shock, if what happened was so traumatic to him that it shocked him? Would that be enough...? I mean, you said that he was like this because...”

“Let’s take it a step at a time, Helen. I don’t think anyone should be speaking of recovery at this stage. I think stabilisation is the best we can hope for right now. You’ve been warned many times that there’s a good chance he might slip back. If he does go into a coma again it’s be very unlikely he’d ever come out of it.”

Helen’s colour drained and she sat down suddenly. “It’s way too soon to start thinking like that,” the doctor said reassuringly, patting her shoulder. “As I said— at the moment he’s still responsive and his brain is very much alive. Wait and see.”

“People keep saying, wait and see. How much longer do I have to be on the edge like this, never knowing from day to day if it’s my last day with him?”

“I’m sorry, Helen, I truly am but at the moment no one can offer you more than that.”

As soon as the doctor left, both Helen and Luke went back to holding Ryden. Both had been awake all night, but there was no suggestion either would go to sleep.

As time went on, the tension increased and both imagined a hundred times they could see something that seemed to suggest he was getting better. They were afraid to say it out loud in case it wasn’t true which, ultimately it wasn’t.

“So...”

“Yeah.”

“I should make some food in case we don’t get a chance to eat later.”

“Yeah.”

The both knew that neither had any intention of eating. Helen needed the distraction and Luke wanted to be alone with Ryden. He stroked his hair and realised it was damp. Then, he realised Ryden’s face was hot. Great. From cold to fever in half a day.

“Oh babe, why... why is this happening now? I just found you and now... I don’t want to lose you again, Ry. I don’t want to spend a single moment without you. Please... please be better, or at least not worse. I couldn’t bear it if I didn’t see your eyes again. I did this. I made you remember and tell me. Please, please... I’ll never forgive myself.”

Brushing the sticky strands from his forehead, Luke frowned. “God, you’re hot, Ry. I think the meds worked too well. Fuck... Helen.”

“What is it?” She scuttled into the room, looking anxious.

“I don’t know. He’s really hot. I mean really hot and he’s breathing fast. What...?”

“Oh hell Luke, you’re right. What should we do?”

“Should you call the doctor?”

“I think I’d better.”

While Helen made the call, Luke stroked Ryden’s face. “Hang on in there babe. Don’t do anything stupid on me now? You know... You’ve got me really scared. I’m scared right now, babe, because I don’t know what’s happening. I’m scared because I don’t want you to hurt anymore. I’m scared because I don’t want you to be ill anymore. I’m scared because I don’t want you to be scared anymore. Mostly I’m scared that you... that you... Oh fuck... oh fuck Ry... what... what...?

Ryden moaned deeply and turned his head, his eyes fluttering wildly without opening. “What is it? What’s happening?” Helen hovered.

“I don’t know. I think he’s really sick. I... I mean I know he’s… but... but he...”

“Calm down, Luke, the doctor’s on his way. I... I’d better pack a bag.”

“Don’t leave me. You can’t. What if...?”

“I’ll be five minutes.”

“But...”

She was gone. Luke rubbed his face and took Ryden’s hand, pressing it to his lips. It was so hot.

“Ry...”

Ryden moaned again and shivered. His breathing was so fast it was almost panting. “Ry… don’t... don’t...”

The shaking was getting worse and now he WAS panting.

“Ry...” Luke moaned. “What’s happening? What’s happening? Please... please don’t...” He raised his voice to call to Ryden’s mother, who was upstairs. “Helen! Please... please He...He... Oh...” He looked down, to where Ryden’s hand was gripping his so hard it hurt. “Ry, I don’t... but... Aw, Ry, you’re hurting. You... Oh... Oh, God.”

Ryden blinked at him and licked his lips. “I feel like shit.”

“You look like shit. You’ve got a fever or something.”

“No shit.” He sighed hugely.

“The doctor’s coming.”

“Goody.”

Despite himself, Luke had to grin. This was Ryden. This was... “Ry, what the fuck happened?”

“What do you mean?”

“Well, yesterday we were talking and—”

“Can you help me sit up?”

“What?”

“Luke... I’m hot, and sticky and I feel... Please, I need to sit up.”

“Oh. Okay.”

When Helen arrived, in response to Luke’s panicked shout, she stopped stock still in the doorway.

“Hi Mam. Could you give us five minutes?”

“F... five minutes?”

“Yeah. Five minutes. That’s all we need.”

***

It wasn’t the end. Nothing is that easy. But five minutes became fifteen, then fifty and eventually the only time Ryden fell asleep was at the end of a day spent with Luke, during which they wasted no opportunity to tell each other how much they loved each other... just in case.