Home - 2. Chapter 2

Helen was exhausted when she got back. She’d trudged around all the places she thought Luke might be, but no one had seen him; no one knew where he was... or at least if they did they weren’t saying. She had the uncomfortable feeling that there was something they weren’t telling her.

At least Ryden seemed to have got over whatever had been upsetting him, and was sleeping peacefully. Throwing down her bag, she sat on the bed and stroked his face.

“I don’t know what else to do; I really don’t. I’ve been everywhere; done everything I can think of. I think he’s hiding from me and I don’t know why.”

Gently Ryden’s eyes drifted open and he stared at her. She smiled and brushed his cheek with her fingers. “I will find him. I will get to the bottom of this. I will find him.”

Ryden shook his head faintly. “Luke... gone,” he breathed and managed a small, sad sigh before drifting away again.

Well, at least he seemed peaceful now, not so scared... and he wasn't confused about where he was... was he?

After lunch Helen tried to rouse Ryden to drink his shake. He opened his eyes and looked around sleepily, but there didn’t seem to be much focus.

“You haven’t had any of your shake today, sweetheart. You need to drink. Come on, I’ll help you to sit up a little.” Propping him up with pillows, she slid one arm under his shoulders and drew him against her, resting his head on her shoulder. At first, when she slid the straw between his lips he made no effort to drink.

“Come on, sweetheart. You were getting so good with this. You need to drink; to keep strong. You have to be strong to find your way home. You’re doing so well. I’m trying so hard, Ryden; I don’t know what else I can do. I don’t know how to help you.”

Ryden rolled his head on her arm and looked up with heavy lidded eyes. A trickle of milk ran from the corner of his mouth. She wiped it away with her thumb.

“Please try, Ry. I can't bear to see you like this. I’m scared that you’re never going to come back. I’m doing everything I can to find a way. Please.”

Very slowly he blinked and smiled a faint smile. “Mam,” he murmured. She smiled back, forcing away tears.

“I love you baby.”

“I... I... love...”

“I know.” She leaned down and kissed his forehead. “Will you drink some more?”

“Huh?”

“Will you drink some shake for me? Will you stay strong and just... just try Ryden. Please just try.”

His response was to part his lips and, when she slipped the straw through he drank until he fell asleep.

Putting down the bottle she held him close, her cheek resting on his hair.

When Sam came he was still peaceful, still relaxed and at rest.

“That’s better. It was just a bad night, Helen. Nothing to worry about. There will be nights like that. Has he drunk anything?”

“A bottle and a half.”

“That’s good, for him. You’re not still upset are you? These things happen, Helen. He’s much better now.”

“Is he?”

“What do you mean? Don't get despondent now. If you give up hope what does he have?”

“It’s not that. I’ll never give up hope, but...”

“But what?”

“Even when he was so distressed, when he was fighting everything... at least he was... focussed. He was more aware; he could speak. Now... it seems as if we’re back to square one again.”

“One day at a time, Helen. There’ll be good days and bad days and sometimes it’s not so easy to tell the difference. He seems fine now.”

“I know, but...”

Smiling, Sam put her hand on Helen’s arm and then went to sit on the bed. Softly calling Ryden’s name she rubbed his hand and he sighed, moving his head and murmuring something.

“Come on, sweetheart, you’ve got everyone in a tizz here. Let’s see how you’re doing. Open those baby blues for me.”

“Hmm.”

“Don’t you ‘Hmm’ me, I know you can do better than that. Come on Ryden, open your eyes.”

With a slight frown he licked his lips and blinked open his eyes.

“You see... I knew you could do it.” She grinned at him and he gave her a small smile in return. “Do you know who I am?”

He looked confused for a moment then smiled and said, “Sam.”

“Yay... we’re on a roll. What about you? What’s your name?” He blinked at her, more confused than ever.

“Ryden,” he said as if he couldn’t understand why she was asking him something so obvious. Sam smiled.

“That’s great: we all know who we are. Do you know where you are?” He sighed and his eyes grew heavy. “No Ryden; it’s not time to go to sleep yet. Just tell me where you are.”

“Home.”

“Are you happy to be home Ryden? Is it better here than at the hospital.”

“Hospital? I... yes... home is good.”

“Are you comfortable? Do you need anything?”

“No. I... I mean...I...”

“I’m sorry, I confused you. Is there anything you need; anything you want?”

“I... yes, I...I...” he sighed and shook his head. “No.” There was a definite frown on his face until it was wiped away when he fell asleep again.

Sam got up smiling, although Helen still looked grim. “Smile, Helen. What more do you want for goodness sake? He’s doing well. Whatever was bothering him last night seems to have worked itself out. He’s lucid; knows who he is and where he is. He wasn’t awake for long but he never is. I’ve spoken to him for longer but with the stress of the move and whatever was going on last night it wasn’t bad. You’ve nothing to be worried about.”

Helen smiled, but it was a false one. “Thank you.”

Despite Sam’s reassurances, she was still uneasy. There was something wrong, but she couldn’t quite put her finger on it. After she’d seen Sam out, she sat down on the bed and looked at Ryden. There didn’t seem to be anything amiss. As Sam had said, he seemed to be calm and focussed again. Maybe it was just that she’d been badly scared when she’d thought he’d lost himself and it wouldn’t quite release her.

“Oh baby, I wish I knew what to do to help you. I’m doing everything I can think of but none of it’s enough, is it? I don’t care what anyone says, I know it.” Gently she brushed the hair out of his face. He looked pale and... “You’re not getting better, are you? I can’t fool myself any more. You’re not getting better at all.”

Ryden murmured something and she kept on stroking his hair.

“What can I do, Ry. Tell me what to do.”

With a huge sigh he opened his eyes and frowned at her. “Mam, I... Please... I...”

“Were you listening to me, baby? I never know how much you hear; how often you’re listening.”

“Don’t be sad.”

“I’m not sad, darling. I’m so happy to have you home with us. I love you and I want to help you. I want to make you well again... but I don’t know how.”

Ryden sighed and met her eyes with a very direct look. “It’s hard. I’m tired.”

Helen’s heart jumped. What was he saying? “I know it’s hard; I know it is. I know you don’t understand what’s happening to you, and that you really are trying to break through whatever it is that’s keeping you away from us but...” She ran strands of his hair through her fingers, searching for something to say; something that would make a difference; something he’d understand. “You can rest; you can sleep. You don’t have to be tired. You don’t have to exhaust yourself.”

She tried to smile warmly at him but something behind his eyes winced. “I don’t know what was hurting you so much last night, but it’s exhausted you. You’re unsettled and tired. Rest and tomorrow you’ll feel better again.

“I...don’t...” He shook his head and sighed. He blinked slowly and she thought he was drifting away again. She couldn’t stop the tears stinging her eyes. “I don’t want to hurt you.”

“You’re not hurting me. It’s not you; it was never you. It’s... it’s just that I hate to see you like this. I want my beautiful, bright, happy boy back. I’m sorry I let you down. I should have protected you. I should have...”

“No... no you... you did. I... I...” He closed his eyes and swallowed hard, fighting to keep focus, but not like before; not desperately...more... “I was...angry. I didn’t... It wasn’t... I thought... I thought that... that he... I thought... he loved me.” He ran out of steam and with a sigh closed his eyes so that the tears squeezed out of the corners.

“Ryden... It doesn’t mean anything - that he hasn’t come. He does love you; I’m sure he does.”

Even though he didn’t open his eyes, the corners of his lips twisted ruefully. “Don’t care,” he murmured. “Too tired.”

She could tell. The moment he let go and sank she could tell... she’d always been able to tell. In the past it had made her sad. This time it made her frightened.

“Ryden... please... please don’t give up. He’ll come. I’ll make him come. I know he loves you; I just know it. Please... just don’t give up. Don’t give up.”

He was sleeping sweetly; his lips slightly parted, his breathing deep and even but his lashes sparkled with tears and there was something... just something.

To say that Helen panicked was not entirely true, but she was disquieted. Determinedly she got to her feet and picked up the phone.

Mary had spent time with her every day and she’d tried to keep her fear, her struggles out of their conversations. She felt that Mary had never had any confidence that this was going to do Ryden any good and was convinced it was certainly not doing Helen any good. In some ways the forced cheerful optimism did her good but she didn’t have it in her today.

“Helen, what’s wrong? You sound dreadful.”

“I’m worried, Mary. I’m really worried. I need to get hold of Luke. I need to speak to him myself.”

“Luke? I’m sorry, Helen but I don’t think you can.”

“What do you mean?”

“He’s leaving. Cory and Lucy have taken him to the station. I don’t know where he’s going but I don’t think the kids are happy about it. In fact, I think there’s something odd going on. Cory seems to be really mad about something and he practically grinds his teeth whenever Luke is mentioned.

“I wasn’t going to tell you this but... he didn’t want to come to see Ryden on Lucy’s birthday. He was angry about the fact that she made him. When he came home he was a bit better and they went out together that night. When they came home, I heard them arguing on the doorstep. It was getting pretty heated. I heard Ry’s name more than once; Luke’s too.

“Today he was like hell over breakfast and came in lunchtime with a face like thunder, asking if he could use the car to take Luke to Cardiff with all his stuff. He said he’s going to London but I don’t know why. I think he’s been talking about it before. To be honest, I haven’t seen Luke for weeks.”

“I don’t... Look, I really, really need to talk to him. Ry needs him. I’m scared, Mary. I think he’s giving up. He’s... he seems to have given up on Luke and given up on himself. He had a terrible night last night, as if he was fighting something; fighting himself and today... today he’s... I’m scared, Mary and I think it all comes down to Luke. Ry needs him and if he doesn’t see him I think he’s going to just let go and... and he’s going to die.”

“Helen, I think...”

“Please, Mary. Please give me Luke’s number. Please.”

“You might be better having Lucy’s. I think she’s your best chance.” She read off a number which Helen wrote down. “Let me know how it goes.”

“I will. Thank you, Mary.”

Helen’s fingers were trembling as she dialled. “Please let me not be too late.” She looked towards the bed where Ryden was completely still and she stiffened her spine. She wouldn’t be too late. No matter what, she would not be too late.

“Hello? Who’s this?”

“It’s me, Lucy; Ryden’s mother.”

“Look, I don’t think...”

“Please Lucy, please listen. I’m frantic. You’re my last chance. I have to speak to Luke. Please, I have to. I have to persuade him to come back. I don’t think... Ryden needs him; he needs him more than I ever appreciated. If he doesn’t... if he doesn’t come I don’t know what will happen. It’s making him so ill, I...”

“I don’t understand. If you want Luke there why do you keep sending him away?”

She heard voices in the background. “Just hang up, Lucy. I’m sick of playing stupid games. Hang up.”

“Wait... please, wait. I... I don’t understand. I don’t know what you mean about sending him away. I would never send him away. I need him here— Ry needs him. Why would I send him away? Please, Lucy. I need to sort this out. I need him... please.”

“Do you know he came last night?”

“Last night? No he didn’t. No one came last night. I don’t understand.”

“Hang on.”

Helen was in hell in those few minutes the phone was muted. She paced and couldn’t help the tears running down her cheeks. She almost hung up, but she kept looking at Ryden and she was more frightened of what might happen to him than what might happen to her. The most she was going to get was abuse. She prayed that the line would not be disconnected.

“Hello?”

“Lucy?”

“No. It...it’s Luke.”

“Oh Luke, thank god; thank god. I’m so grateful to you for talking to me. Luke, I don’t know what’s been going on and I don’t care. All I care about is my son and I know he needs you. Luke, he needs you more now than anyone ever has. I’m afraid, Luke. I’m afraid that he’s given up; given up on you and... and everyone else. I don’t know what I can say to you, Luke. I’m begging you. Please.”

“I came last night.”

“I don’t understand. I swear, I don’t understand.”

“He said—he said I wasn’t welcome. He’s said it before. He said that if I came near him again he’d break my neck.”

“Who said? Who said that?” Helen was totally shocked; so much so she found she was shaking.

“He did. Ry’s dad. I came to the hospital and he told me it was my fault— what happened to Ry— because he was so upset... and because he was coming to me.”

Until then, Luke’s voice had been tense; accusatory, but then it cracked and he had to swallow hard to keep going.

“Luke... I’m so sorry. I had no idea. I swear I had no idea. If I’d known... Look sweetheart; I know you have no reason to believe me; to trust me... but I need you... Ryden needs you; more than you have ever been needed before. I know that. I know how important you are to him and there is nothing I want more than to give him everything he needs. I want him to get better and I don’t think... Luke, I don’t think he can do it without you.”

“Let me speak to Ry.”

“Luke, he can’t...”

“I know... just let me speak to him.”

“I... alright.”

Her heart pounding, Helen took the phone over to the bed and held it close to Ryden’s ear. She couldn’t hear what Luke was saying, although she could hear his voice. Clearly, Ryden could hear his voice too, because he moaned softly and turned his head towards the phone.

Carefully she laid her hand against her son’s cheek and turned his head so that he could keep the phone pressed against his ear. Again he moaned and sighed. His fingers twitched, clutching the bedclothes and slowly his eyes flickered open. “Luke?”

“He’s on the phone sweetheart. He wants to talk to you.”

“Luke?” His voice was weak but hopeful and he seemed to be listening carefully, a smile playing on his lips. “Luke, I...” The voice on the other side went quiet and there was absolute silence. Helen stopped breathing and she thought that even her heart had stopped. “I... I... I... Please... please I... Luke...”

She could tell that it had been a real struggle for Ryden. The strength of emotion was too much for him... too strong to express. He was breathing fast and struggling hard to find words in a brain full of soup. “Please...”he whispered before losing the fight and falling.

Helen smiled through her tears and stroked Ryden’s hai,r then lifted the phone back to her own ear.

“Ry...Ry...” Luke was calling, urgently.

“He’s asleep, darling. It was a struggle for him, talking to you. He was... I haven’t seen him so lit up for such a long time,, but it exhausted him. He can't stay with us for very long.”

“He really wants me there?”

“He needs you Luke. Ask Cory and Lucy. When they were here... all he wanted was you. He’s asked for you over and over. I... I promised him, and I tried. I had no idea. I swear I had no idea what Robert did. I won’t let him do it again.”

“Do you promise? If I come back, do you promise you won’t send me away again; that I can see him.”

“I promise.”

She heard Cory’s voice in the background, urging him not to put himself on the line to be hurt again. She heard Luke’s answer. “It’s Ry, dude.” Then there was silence. “Ok... I’ll be there in half an hour... but if you mess me about I’ll disappear and never come back.”

“I won’t mess you around, Luke. Come straight to me. Don’t listen to anyone else, just come to me.”

“Okay.”

“Thank you Luke. I’m so sorry about what’s happened and I don’t blame you but... thank you.”

“Mrs B...” he said uncertainly. “Ry... Is he...? I...I’m kind of scared. Is he...? Will he know me?”

“Of course he will. I’m not going to lie to you, Luke; he’s very ill. He almost died and he still... but he’s getting better. He knows where he is and who we are but he can’t... He doesn’t stay awake for very long.”

“Okay... thank you.” There was no emotion in his voice. Then he hung up leaving Helen not knowing how to feel. She was confident that Luke would come and certain that Ryden would be so happy to see him. What she didn’t know was whether it would make a difference. She also didn’t know what the hell Robert had been playing at. In the beginning, maybe he’d thought he was doing the right thing but last night...? He knew how much Ryden needed to see Luke. He knew that he was struggling. He knew that she’d been trying desperately to get Luke to come. Why had he done that? Why had he turned him away?

She was sitting in the chair at the side of the bed when Robert came in, about ten minutes after her call to Luke. She couldn’t look at him.

“How is he?”

“Quieter.”

“Good. What did Sam say?”

“She said not to worry.”

“But you are still worrying, right?”

“Of course. I spoke to him and he was... I’m afraid that he’s giving up. I don’t know what happened but the way he was talking... I don’t know... I don’t know what’s going to happen.”

He came over and put his hand on her shoulder, a glass of whisky in his other hand. “He looks okay... peaceful.”

“He is, now.”

“Now?”

“I finally tracked Luke down and he’s promised to come. He should be here soon.”

She felt Robert stiffen. “Luke?”

“Yes. You know it’s what he needs, Robert. You know Luke is everything to him.”

“That’s rubbish. Luke was a bad influence. Ryden’s better off without him.”

“Luke was not a bad influence, Robert. Luke was his boyfriend; his lover.”

“Don’t say that. I can’t believe I would ever hear nonsense like that from your mouth.”

“You’ll hear a lot more than that from my mouth, Robert. Besides, it doesn’t matter what I think or what I say, does it? Luke and Ryden love each other. Ryden needs him. That’s all that matters to me.”

“It’s a load of crap. They don’t love each other; they can’t. It was some stupid game... a silly infatuation. They don’t have real feeling for each other... it’s nonsense. If it was true... if they... then my son would be... and he’s not.”

“You can’t even bear to say it can you? Even now. Look at him Robert; look at our son. I thought he was our son. I thought that even after the arguments; after everything that’s happened... I thought that you really did think of him as your son... but all you thought about was your image. Since the accident it’s suited you to soak up the sympathy by playing the devastated father but were you? Were you really?”

“Of course I was. What are you suggesting? I’ve always thought of Ryden as my son. I was devastated by the accident; especially as it happened after that argument.”

“But you still can’t accept him for what he is. You can’t bear even to think about the fact that he’s gay--”

“He is not. It’s just that boy turning his head and twisting his mind.”

“No, Robert. It wasn't Luke; it was never Luke. The signs were always there; right from the start but you were too blind; too blinkered and you made me the same. I’ll regret until the end of my days that you pulled me into that argument and that I took your side and not his.”

“What? Where did this come from?”

“Did you speak to Luke last night?”

“Oh, so that’s what this is about. What did the little shit tell you?”

“He told me that, after all my begging and pleading, he came to see Ryden last night and you turned him away.”

“I...”

“Did you? Did you talk to Luke last night and turn him away? Did you warn him off when Ryden was in hospital?”

“So what? He’s a piece of crap. Even if... even if Ryden is... if his preferences lie... with boys... Luke is not the one for him. He’s... he’s too...”

“Too what? Too gay?”

“Too open. Everyone knows what he is. He’d drag Ryden down with him.”

“Drag him down? Further than this?” She turned her head to look at her son. He was flushed, a smile on his face. He was an angel and she couldn’t blame anyone for falling in love with him. But she could blame anyone who hurt him.

“You know what I mean, Helen.”

“Yes, I know what you mean. I think you had better leave for a while. Until I have a chance to think about this.”

“Leave? What do you mean leave?”

“Go away for a few days. A hotel... your sister; I don’t care. I have enough to worry about with Ry without having to deal with this too. I need to think.”

“Think? All you ever think about is him. There’s no room for me in your life anymore. You live and breathe that boy. You’re possessed by him.”

Helen stared at him, her eyes wide with shock. “He needs me, Robert.”

“I need you, Helen.”

“Not like he does. He’s ill, Robert; helpless. He could die.”

“Or linger on like this for years, sucking a hole in our lives. Do you have any idea how much it’s going to cost...?”

“Cost? Do you think I care about the cost?”

“Not just in money, Helen.”

“I know what you meant.” Her voice was cold and, when she stood up to face him, he recoiled at the expression in her eyes. “Let me tell you something. My son is worth every moment of my time, every iota of my energy, every second of my life... and I don’t give a damn about the cost. He’s everything to me and I’d give my life and soul to see him well again. You’re right... he is possessing me and I don’t have room for anyone else in my life right now. I really think you should leave before one of us says something we can never pull back from.”

He glared at her for a moment then he downed his whisky in one swallow, slammed the glass on the table and strode out. She didn’t cry.

Ryden was disturbed by the argument and Helen put all her focus into soothing him. She let her fingers run through his hair and linger on his face, as his eyelids fluttered. She wasn’t sure if he was dreaming or trying to wake up.

“Take it easy, Ry. Rest now. He’s on his way and you need your strength to speak to him.”

Despite her words the fluttering increased and he gave a little grunt as his trembling lashes rose, with some effort over eyes that were still dreaming.

“Luke.”

She smiled, thinking of how many times his first word was that name. “Not yet, sweetheart, but he’s coming. He’s on his way.”

Ryden licked his lips and focussed his eyes on her.”He... he does... love me?”

“Oh yes Ry—yes, he loves you very much.”

“Why...?”

“There was a terrible mistake. It’s over now. There won’t be any more mistakes. He won’t be long. He’s almost here.”

“I... I heard... I th...thought I heard...”

“Yes, you did: you heard his voice on the phone. He wanted to speak to you before he agreed to come.”

Ryden’s eyes widened. “I...I... Did I...? Did...?”

“It’s alright. You spoke to him. Just a little.”

“I thought... I thought it was a dream.”

“No, not a dream. You spoke to Luke and he’s coming.” She checked her watch. “He’ll be here in about ten minutes. You should rest.

“But... but Luke... Luke... gone... dead... to me.”

“Luke’s not dead. Why did you think that?”

“Dead...to...me.” His eyes widened but still looked asleep, as if he was sleepwalking or still dreaming.

“Ryden, listen to me... Listen.” He stared at her but she had the impression he wasn't seeing her. “I don’t know how you got these ideas into your head but it’s nonsense. I’ve spoken to Luke and he’s on his way. He’s coming because he loves you.”

“Loves me...?”

“Yes. He loves you,” she said as firmly as she could. He blinked and frowned; then nodded.

“I know.” He blinked again, slowly and his eyes cleared for a moment. “I know. I...” He stopped and jerked as if a sudden pain had gripped him and let him go. He squeezed his eyes shut.

“What is it sweetheart? Did something hurt you?”

He half opened his eyes and shivered. “No... yes... I... Luke...”

“I know... It’s going to be alright. It’s going to be alright, because Luke is coming now.”

He shivered again and whimpered, his hand rising, struggling. She took it, frightened. “Please... please...”

“Ryden, I swear to you. I swear it. Luke is coming. He loves you. Please baby... don’t get all wound up or... or you won't be up to it. Rest now and he’ll be here soon.” He struggled to search her eyes, breathing hard, looking... Then he sighed and nodded, letting go with a groan.

Helen was shaking. She was scared of the intensity of his emotion, after so long with no emotion at all. What had they done to him? She blamed herself as much as Robert. She should have stopped wondering why Luke hadn’t come and started finding out for herself. Was that why he’d shut down? Because of Luke? Because he wasn’t with Luke?

She was still holding his hand and smoothing his forehead when the knock came. Carefully laying Ryden’s hand down on the covers, she rose to answer, her heart pounding.

The boy on the doorstep was hardly recognisable. She knew Luke Stevens well. He and Ryden had always been friends and she’d come to know the pale, studious boy very well. She’d often wondered about the friendship. He was very different to Ryden and Cody; much quieter, less robust. But the friendship had survived school and university and the two boys were fiercely protective of him.

Luke was all eyes, his face gaunt and drawn, his black hair hanging straight, covering one side of his face as always.

He looked so uncertain, so frightened; as if he was afraid to hope, scared that he would be turned away again.

Here was the one who cared for her son more than anyone, except herself. Here was the one that her son cared for even more than herself. Here was the one.

Startling them both, she pulled Luke into a fierce hug. “Thank you,” she whispered, too choked to say more. “Thank you.”

Letting him go she grabbed his hand and practically dragged him into the other room. She saw his face in that moment; the moment when he saw the boy he loved for the first time. She saw the horror; the uncertainty; the pain. Most of all she saw the love. She knew that Ryden was safe now and she left them to it.

***

He felt so alone. He’d been feeling alone so much lately. He’d tried so hard; kept trying until he gave up. There’s only so much anyone can take, so much fight anyone possessed within them.

He’d had updates from Lucy and Cory. They were good friends, but they didn’t understand. They didn’t understand the unbearable pressure of knowing the one you love’s suffering... so close and so far. It was torture hearing them talk then seeing them walk away and leave him alone. The flat was empty. It felt as though the heart had been torn out of it, like it had been torn out of him.

The thought that he’d never hear Ryden’s laughter here again; see him coming out of the bathroom with a towel around his waist and a smile on his face. Luke slept on the sofa, because he couldn’t bear to go into the bedroom. Ry’s smell was on the pillow, his things on the dresser, his art on the walls.

And now...

He looked... the same. He’d lost weight and his hair was longer but he was... the same. He’d expected... He didn’t know what he’d expected, but it was all so... normal. He was in his own bed that had been brought downstairs. He was dressed in his own pyjamas and he had that little smile on his face.

Where was all the hospital stuff? There should have been stuff. It shouldn’t have been so normal because normal made it harder.

There was some stuff— on the table next to the bed. He picked up a bottle of shake. It was the thing they gave his grandmother in the home because she wasn't eating. He supposed Ry wouldn’t be eating very much. He wondered how they got him to drink the shakes. Did he...? Was he...? Could he...?

There was a drip in his arm. Well, one bit of hospital stuff then. It didn’t make anything easier.

He looked so peaceful. What should he do? Should he say something? Touch him? It didn’t seem right somehow. He sat down on the chair and bit his lip. It’s what he’d wanted; what he’d longer for. Now he was here he had no idea what to do.

“Hi Ry. It’s me... Luke.” Goddamit, couldn’t he think of something more inspired to say? “Um... I... Holy shit.”

“Hey... Luke...”

Luke was shocked rigid as he look down into blue eyes that were smiling at him.“Hey... I...um... I didn’t... expect...”

Ryden frowned. “You didn’t come.”

“I tried to, Ry, I swear it. I tried to come but... they wouldn’t let me. First the hospital and then... then your Dad and...”

“He said... He said you didn’t want me.”

“Fucking arsehole. He tried his best didn’t he? He really tried to split us up.”

“Yeah.” Ryden frowned again. “We haven’t.... I mean... you...”

“No! No, I haven't. I never would. I love you, Ry. This has been a nightmare. I’ve missed you so much. I thought... I thought you were...”

“Hmm. You love me?”

“Yes, I love you.”

Ryden smiled. It wasn't quite his old smile, but it was beautiful. Hesitantly, Luke reached out and took Ryden’s hand. Ryden squeezed him.

“I thought you’d be...”

“Yeah. I am.”

“But...”

“Luke I... I can't... I try, but... Don't go.”

“Hey, I don’t know what you’re on about but I promise I’m not going anywhere.”

“Promise?”

Luke panicked a little because the word kind of faded and Ryden’s eyes were rolling shut. “Fuck Ry, are you okay? Should I call—?”

Ryden squeezed his hand again. “Promise.”

“Yeah, I promise. I swear I won’t go away.”

Ryden sighed and there was a smile on his face as he drifted away.

“Fuck.” Luke was shaking, but he held tightly to Ryden’s hand, which was now limp in his.

“Is everything alright?” Helen had heard the last word which he’d pretty much shouted.

“I... um... He... He was talking to me and...”

Helen smiled at him. “It’s alright hun, that’s the way he is. He can’t stay awake for very long but when he is awake he’s pretty much his old self. We’re hoping that the times, he’s awake will get longer.”

“What if they don’t?”

Helen frowned. “I’m not going to lie to you, Luke. I’ve been lying to myself for too long. He might not get any better than this... ever. Or he might slip back again. We just don’t know. No one knows.”

If it was possible, Luke went even paler. “I didn’t know what to expect. I kind of thought that... that it’s like when someone’s in a coma. That he’d kind of wake up and that would be it.”

“No sweetheart... that’s not it.”

“I know. I can see.”

“Will you stay?”

“As long as I can.”

“You can stay as long as you want to. You can stay here if you’d like, with Ry.”

“Really? But, but what about Ry’s dad? What if he…?”

“Ry’s dad isn’t here. He won’t bother you any more, Luke, I promise. Do you have any bags?”

“Ye...yeah, they’re in the car.”

“Would you like me to get them?”

“No. No it’s alright, I’ll get them.” With another long, tender look at Ryden, he slipped his hand out of his grasp and headed for the door.

“Is everything alright?”

Lucy and Cory were leaning against the car, smoking.

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

“How could we?” Lucy said, her eyes tormented. We tried, but...”

“Are you okay?” Cory asked, his eyes narrowed shrewdly.

“I don’t know. It was so much better and so much worse than I expected.”

“Did he talk to you?”

“Yeah. He said... he said that he thought... He thought we’d split up.”

“What? Why would he do that?”

“Why do you think?” he snapped.

“His dad?” Lucy hissed.

“I wish I could—” Cory growled.

“I know,” Luke interjected quickly, “but it wouldn’t do any good. Are you staying?”

“Of course I am. I came out for my bag.”

“Wan’a drag?” Cory held out his cigarette. Luke smiled and shook his head.

“Nah. I don’t want to smell of smoke.”

“Good point. Do you want a hand?” Cory asked, flicking his cigarette into the gutter

“No thanks. God you guys are great.”

“We love you Luke,” Cory muttered awkwardly. “Both of you.”

“Yeah. We love you too., but don’t go telling anyone, they might think you’re a fag.”

“Don’t say that word, Luke. Ry would slap you silly if he heard you use that word.”

“I know. It’s just...”

Lucy stood on tiptoe and kissed him. “I know, babe, but you don’t need to fight anymore. The two musketeers are back together again. I’m afraid I stole the third.”

Cory grabbed her around the waist and swung her in for a kiss. “Never... I’m just on loan.”

Luke smiled at the easy banter but he really didn’t want to be there. After dragging his bags from the back of the car, he said goodbye to his friends with promises he’d call soon.

Helen was waiting, staring at Ryden. “I’ll take your bags upstairs.”

“Thank you, but can I stay here?”

“Of course you can. The chair’s not the most comfortable place to sleep, but I’ve spent enough nights here to know that it’s not too bad. Would you like something to eat?”

“Yeah, that would be good, thank you.”

As soon as she left the room he forgot her. He sat down and was totally absorbed by Ryden. He picked up his hand and kissed it, then stroked his hair.

“Hey, babe. I was kind of unprepared before, but I’m here for you now. I promised I wouldn’t go anywhere, so I’m staying. I mean I’m staying here, in your house, for a while. So, I have to pay my way; to prove I’m worth it. You need to help me out here. I mean, you’ve got to start waking up properly. You know how much I love to watch you sleep, but this time I think I’m going to love watching you wake even more.”

“Luke?” The word was very faint and distant, as if Ryden was a long way away.

“Yeah. I’m here. Promised didn’t I?”

“Yeah.”

“You sound tired.”

“No...I can’t...”

“What? What can’t you do?”

“Wake up.”

“Yeah, you can. Sure you can. Just open your eyes and smile at me and you’ll be awake. I think I might know a way to keep you awake.”

“I...” Ryden took a deep breath and let it out in a sigh.

“Hey, You’re there somewhere, I can hear you. Come out and play.”

“Play?” His eyes fluttered and opened. He smiled.

“Aha. That got your attention.”

Ryden laughed distantly. “You... always... You...”

“Yeah, I know I have, babe. I always have your attention and you’ve always had mine. So. You have my whole attention; now, what do you want to do?”

“I... can’t...”

“Yeah, you can.”

“Luke I... I...”

“Don’t you dare. I’m going to make damn sure you don’t. Come on. Can you sit up?”

“No. Too... Too...”

“Will it hurt you if I sit you up?”

“I don’t... I don’t... think...”

“Okay, I’m going to try.”

Luke carefully climbed up onto the bed and gently eased Ryden up into his arms.

“Aw,” Ryden moaned after a certain point.

“What is it? What’s hurting you?”

“My back.”

“Oh shit, I forgot. You hurt your back in the accident. I guess it’s not fixed yet. Does it hurt a lot?”

“No, not really.”

“Hey, I’ve got a better idea.” Carefully he lowered Ryden down again, terrified of how limp he was. “Can you move?”

“Uhu... a... bit.”

“Okay, Turn over, on your side and I’ll lie here. Just like we used to.”

It took a lot out of Ryden to turn onto his side and it clearly hurt, but he was determined. Nevertheless, by the time Luke slid his arm under him and drew him into his arms, he was nodding and his eyes closing.

“Don’t you dare go to sleep; not now. I’ve worked too hard to get you here.”

“Luke I...” He was whispering, fading, his eyes blinking rapidly as he tried hard to keep them open.

“Hey, if you go to sleep you’ll miss the best part.”

“Mmm?”

“Best part. Say you want it.”

“Huh?” His head was getting heavy on Luke’s shoulder.

“Say it. The best part.”

“B...be...best...p...” He very nearly fell, but Luke lifted his face and kissed him. “Ohhh,” he sighed against his lips. “That... part...” But he couldn’t hold on any longer.

“Ry? Ry don’t...”

Lifting his head Luke gently stroked the hair out of his face and smiled through tears at the peaceful look on his face; the smile. Ryden sighed, but didn’t wake.

When Helen returned with a meal for Luke, she found them both fast asleep in each other’s arms. She found a blanket and covered Luke with it. Looking down at them she smiled and, for the first time in days, she went to bed.

Luke slept through the night and, if Ryden had awoken he’d been too deeply asleep to know one way or another. Opening his eyes to find Ryden curled into his side he smiled, then thought deeply. The months since the accident had been hard on Luke. He’d been torn apart again and again, as the news swung constantly between good and bad, and he was frantic when he wasn’t allowed to visit. It almost broke him, knowing that Ryden was home... so close and yet so far.

He was exhausted and now, to be here, holding him. As much as he tried he couldn’t stay awake and enjoy the feeling of being here, being with him, being together again. He simply couldn’t stop himself falling asleep. Was this what it was like for Ry... all the time? How could he fight against this? Luke couldn’t.

As he pondered Ryden, stirred and mumbled something in his sleep. Luke’s senses were instantly filled with him. He stroked his face gently and was rewarded by a sleepy smile and blinking blue eyes.

“You were sleeping.”

“So were you. That’s all you do.”

Ryden frowned deeply. “I know. I’m sorry Luke. I try. Really, I try but...”

“Hey. I was teasing. You know me, I never know when to stop.”

Ryden smiled shyly. “That’s why I like you.”

“Like? Just like?”

“No, not just like. I love you.”

“You’d better had because I’m totally, utterly and completely in love with you. I adore you, my beautiful boy.”

Ryden flushed slightly. “You always call me that. I’m not a boy anymore.”

“You’ll always be my beautiful boy. Even when you’re ninety six.”

The bright smile quickly sank into a frown. “I... Will I...?”

“Of course you will. Don't ever let me hear you say anything different.”

“I don’t...”

“Neither of us knows if we’ll live to be ninety six. I could get run over by a bus tomorrow. Well, not tomorrow because I’ll be here tomorrow, but you know what I mean.”

But Ryden wasn’t smiling, not this time. “I hear them.”

“Hear who?”

“Everyone. I might... might not get better. Not ever.”

“Well...” Luke said carefully. “I don’t care what ‘everyone’ says; I’m saying that you are going to get better. I’m going to make you get better.”

“But...”

“I am going to make you better, Ry. Believe it.”

Smiling gently, Ryden smiled at him. “I believe you.”

“You have to help though. You have to try, Ry. You have to try as hard as you can to be awake as often as you can. I’ll always be here; always. I’m going to be with you, no matter what, but you have to try.”

A look of pain crossed Ryden’s face and he bit his lip. “But I... I do... I do try, Luke. I’ve always tried. When I was... when I was asleep all the time... I tried and I thought... I thought that if I... if I... I woke up then... then it... it would be alright but...”

“It will be alright. I promise; it will be.”

“I... Luke I am trying.” The anguish in his voice turned Luke’s stomach, and a twinge of guilt stabbed at him.

He could tell Ryden was desperately sleepy again. He remembered how sleep had come on him the night before and knew how hard it was to fight it off in the end. “I know you are. I can’t ask you to do any more than try.”

“Help me... please.” Ryden’s eyes, as sleepy as they were, were now also desperate and Luke could see he was fighting; how hard he was fighting.

“Of course I’ll help. How about a drink?”

“I... don’t...”

“Drinking will help to keep you awake. Try.”

“It’s horrible.”

“Yeah... I guess so. I’ll get you something better later on. It’s all I’ve got now.”

“K.”

“You need to sit up a little bit. Wait.”

Luke got off the bed and sat on the edge, gradually raising Ryden into his arms. Ryden did his best to help but his best wasn’t very much.

“Is that okay? It’s not hurting?”

“No. My...my mother does it like this.”

“I bet your mother doesn’t do this.” Luke leaned down and kissed him gently. Ryden tried his best to return it, but he was sliding fast. “Okay... drink.”

Obediently, Ryden sucked on the straw, his eyes fixed on Luke’s face. Luke knew it was pretty much hopeless but it didn’t stop him trying.

“Come on, babe... fight it. I know you can. Drink your drink and I’ll kiss you again.”

Ryden had gone completely limp, and the milk started to trickle out of the corner of his mouth. “Eew, you’re dribbling. That is not an attractive look.” Ryden didn’t smile at him. He was frowning deeply and Luke could feel his body shaking. His lips parted and he tried to speak but it just wasn’t happening. The shaking increased, and then abruptly stopped as he went completely limp, his eyes closing.

“Oh babe, what am I going to do? What am I going to do?”