To Move Forward - 2. ... Everybody Has One

“Oh hell,” I said out loud.

I pulled into Jake’s driveway right next to Alec‘s Wrangler. I shook my head at myself, it must really be bad if Jake called in reinforcements.

In fact, it was Alec who introduced me to Jake in the first place. We met at a party Alec was having. I had just arrived and was standing in the living room when I heard loud, deep laughter coming from the large man coming around the corner from the kitchen carrying snacks. It had been a while since I met someone close to my size, and it took me back a little. During the evening, we talked a little finding a couple of common interests. Jake and I took to each other right away. Before leaving we exchanged phone numbers and that was that. A few days later my phone rang and after picking it up I heard, for the first time, what would become Jake’s regular greeting for me.

“Paaatriccck!” exclaimed Jake as he opened the front door.

“Hey Jake.” He pulled me in hugging me and patting me on the back. I greeted his parents sitting in the living room before following Jake into the kitchen leaving them behind. He tossed me a Pepsi.

Jake continued to live at home taking care of the house for his parents letting them enjoy their retirement. Now, they spent their time traveling back and forth across the country in their RV. Jake told me once it was like living with two roommates who kept going on spring break or were always in class. When home, they kept to themselves most of the time so he was free to do pretty much as he wanted. This arrangement only occasionally cramped his laid back style, but the rent was free so he couldn’t complain. I was supposed to have steaks with him and maybe a movie.

“How’s it going? Did you finish staining the deck?”

“Yep.” He pointed through the sliding glass door. The deck was magnificent of course. Jake always did really good work.

“I was watching TV with Alec, come on,” he said crossing through the hallway and down into the den. The home improvement channel was on, of course.

“Hey Alec.”

“Oh, sure you can visit Jake and not me and Grant,” Alec said sarcastically. I leaned down to hug him where he was sitting.

“No Grant?” I had hoped against hope Grant would be here as well but I knew better. Alec knew Grant would be too polite when it came time to talk.

“He’s off at his mom’s today.” Alec smirked knowing there would be no escape. “He said he may stop by later.”

Forgoing the sofa, I lay down on my stomach between the twin Lazy Boys where Jake and Alec resumed sitting. I really liked the den. It was totally Jake. Star Wars collectables lined one wall, all other science-fiction “artifacts” neatly separated on another. Although I could never truly appreciate the actual value of the collection, for they were just toys to me. I loved they reminded me of my childhood. I was just beginning to focus on the bathroom remodel when the screen went black.

“Ok, spill it,” Alec said abruptly. I turned and looked to see him half grinning still holding the remote in his hand. Jake laughed from the other side.

“What is this? An intervention?” Jake laughed even harder.

I twisted and looked up at the ceiling. One big difference between Alec and Jake was Alec was more of an active, I want to help you by making suggestions type. He would listen, prod, and sometimes try to goad me into action. Jake was passive, and, in his way, the perfect mirror. He would listen intently, say nothing and let me figure out what to do on own. When they were together like this, they formed a highly effective team. They were ready with whichever method would work in this instance. It was useless to hold back.

Between the two, they knew all my best secrets and sometimes would talk to each other about me as if I was not there. They delighted in making me blush by trying to bring up embarrassing details. Neither was particularly judgmental, but when together it felt a little like the nightmare of standing naked in front of your classmates.

Better to get it over with. Without much preamble, I began walking them through the day at the fair. Jake sat back and watched me talk. Sometimes I could meet his intense gaze and sometimes I just couldn‘t. Alec listened, nodded and made the occasional face. He was formulating his follow up questions and/or closing arguments. I was toying with a Darth Vader action figure as I finished.

“Well, what do you think?” I asked knowing better then to expect a response from Jake. Expressionlessly meeting my gaze, he shifted in his chair. I turned to Alec.

“He cares about you,” Alec said concisely.

My jaw dropped a little and I turned back to Jake. He nodded and took another swig of his beer before responding.

“Let’s start the grill.” Jake stood up and started walking towards the kitchen. I looked at Alec. He shrugged to not say more before helping me up to follow Jake out. Thank god for Jake, he knew I was going to need a few moments.

We sat on the deck with Jake’s parents waiting for the steaks. They were off to New Orleans in a week. Both Alec and I had been there years ago. Hopefully the spots we told about would still be around. After eating, I beat Jake’s dad in a game of horseshoes thereby setting the final match between Alec, who had beaten Jake, and I.

We were goofing around making absurd boasts and threats while recklessly throwing. Finally, it was down to my last toss to cap a very solid win. I was about to throw when I felt the horseshoe yanked out of my hand from behind.

“You can’t win if you can’t throw!” Alec laughed at me quickly backpedaling across the yard. I ran him down by the pool and tackled him, not too hard though. He was so much smaller and wiggly I didn’t want to hurt him. I ended up sitting on his chest trying to manhandle the horseshoe out of his hand laughing my head off. I was just about to wrestle the horseshoe free when I felt cold water.

“Ok, break it up,” said Jake’s dad. He was holding the garden hose smiling. “Patrick won… again.”

“Give it up Alec,” added Jake’s mom.

“Next time…” huffed Alec with a smile.

“Next time nothing, little man.”

Alec punched me in the arm. We walked back up to the house and I tossed the horseshoe missing completely.

Jake came out from the kitchen. “What the hell?” He looked at the two of us. “Never mind. Anyone want more pie?” We shook our heads.

“Your mother and I are going for a walk, you guys have fun. Keep it down, I don‘t want to have to use the hose again.” Jake’s dad winked at us.

Alec and I came back into the family room followed by Jake.

“You are soaked Patrick. I’ll get you one of my shirts. Alec?”

“No, Patrick got the worst of it.” Alec smirked. Jake left the room. I could tell Alec already wanted to say something when his cell went off.

“Hey sexy, I miss you,” Alec purred into the phone. I began making loud retching sounds right behind him.

“No, we were going watch a movie,” he said trying to push me back.

“Get your ass over here Grant!” I shouted over Alec’s arm. Jake came back with one of his larger tee shirts and handed it to me before going over to put the DVD in.

“He said you got a cute ass!” Alec laughed into the phone. I took off my shirt.

“Save me Grant!” I shouted. Alec turned around and looked at me.

“Oh, nothing, he just took off his shirt. I think he’s going to try and have his way with me,” Alec said innocently.

“Oh Jeez…” Jake shook his head and rolled his eyes.

There was a short pause while Alec listened. “Not funny,” Alec answered into the phone. I put the dry shirt on and hung the other out over the TV tray stand.

“I will. I love you too. See you at home. Love you. Bye.” Alec hung up the phone. I made more gagging sounds.

“Jealous?” Alec quipped.

Dead silence.

Alec colored a little. Years ago, before Grant and after he and his ex split, there had been a time when we had considered, maybe, just maybe, trying for more. I had been dumped recently, so we had both been lonely and hurting. After two or three rather uncomfortable evenings, and one disastrous attempt, we knew we wouldn’t pursue anything more. We could provide each other comfort but not the passion. We knew we would never find that specific chemistry. For once, I had been lucky; we were able to continue to be friends. When Alec found Grant, I was genuinely excited and happy for him. You could just tell by looking at the two, they were meant to be together. They had been ever since.

Dead silence.

“Ohhh, sorry,” Alec said embarrassed.

“It’s ok,” I said. There was another pause.

“Awkward,” Jake said quietly with a nice twang of humor.

Tonight, Alec was the little brother I never had, not just in size, but in his manner. The little brother who doesn’t think before he speaks. I gave him a pat on the back. “Really, it’s ok.”

“So what was ‘not funny?” Jake asked Alec with a smile.

“What? Oh, Grant said I would probably enjoy it, Patrick having his way with me.” Alec reddened more.

“Yeah, if I remember correctly, not so much,” Jake replied flopping into his chair.

“You told him about that?!” Alec turned to me.

“You know how he is…” I started, pointing at Jake.

“I have no idea what you’re talking about,” Jake said innocently. “I just sit here. You guys can’t shut up. I just wanna watch a movie.”

Alec and I looked ay each other and started laughing. Jake hit “Play.” Alec couldn’t even wait for the opening credits to end before turning back to me.

“So what are you going to do now?”

“What do you mean?” I asked.

“About Ben?” Alec said a little exasperated.

“I kinda figured you’d tell me.” I grinned widely. Jake laughed out loud again.

“I’m not that bad, am I? Alec questioned. I gestured for him to go ahead. Jake hit “Pause.”

“It’s like this. He cares, I told you that. I just can’t figure out how or what he wants now. What do you think?”

“I don’t know. He said he missed me but that doesn’t mean anything one way or the other.” I shrugged.

“What does your heart say?” Alec asked.

I had to think a little. “Well, I think he wants more, at least something,” I said.

“So the best way to find out it to ask him right? The what. What does he want now?”

“I don’t think that’s such a good idea,” I moaned before I took another swig from my beer.

“Huh?” Alec was becoming a little frustrated because I was resisting his logic.

“It doesn’t even matter. He made his choice and moved on. I need to do the same, that’s all.” Jake nodded.

“Oh stop it,” Alec said to Jake. “He needs to use his intuition. If he didn’t feel something, he wouldn’t be sitting here now.”

Jake shrugged. “Anything’s possible,” Jake said dryly.

Alec stuck his tongue out at Jake. Jake smirked.

“Can we watch the movie please?” I interjected.

“Not until you agree with Alec.” Jake laughed. Alec threw a pillow at him and so did I.

“Seriously, you were close right?” Alec tried again.

“More than close,” I sighed. “Way more… I thought anyway.”

“So what happened? Why didn’t you… continue?” Alec questioned.

“He went off to college. I couldn’t. We couldn’t do a long distance relationship. At some point, I understood he had started dating. I was offered a job down here and I took it. I was gone before he got back. He got married. That was it.”

Alec nodded. “What do you think would have happened if neither of you had left?”

“I don’t know. We would have tried to make it work, I guess. It would have been rough, I mean at the time, being gay... I know my parents would have been an issue. Maybe his. He turned out straight anyway.” Alec opened his mouth; I stopped him quick.

“Ok, bi-curious.” Alec closed his mouth.

“So why are you going to the party?” he asked.

“Because I promised.” Alec frowned at me.

“Because I didn’t get what I needed from the State Fair.”

“And what exactly do you need again?”

“Closure.”

“Really?” Alec challenged me.

“It’s time don’t you think?” I looked at Jake, nothing. I looked back at Alec.

“Ask him.” Alec said. I shook my head.

“I have to find out for myself.”

Alec started and Jake cut him off. “I think we need to step back from this for now. Neither of you is getting anywhere and I’m getting a headache.” Jake smiled at us, infecting us with grins. I pulled the pillow from Jake’s lap back down to me to lean on.

“Ok, ok.” Alec giggled.

We managed to watch the rest of the movie without any more discussion. It was a good time and we joked around acting just like friends at a sleepover.

The topic turned to sex and I got an earful about Jake’s latest. Jake admitted, without guilt or boast, to meeting some woman at a casino and having sex with her a few hours later. I just couldn’t imagine it. For me, love and sex are intricately intertwined. For Jake, sex is solely physical, love is purely mental. This dynamic explains so much about Jake and his perpetual bachelorhood. He’s happy and shows no sign of changing.

It’s his very way of life which causes confusion to people as it had originally caused with me. When we first became friends, he never really talked about women, and I never saw any with him. I had made the wrong assumption before he enlightened me. It was still a source of amusement for us, all of us.

“Jeez Jake, are any of your friends straight?!” Alec quipped.

“Only if you count the women I sleep with as friends. Nah,” said Jake dryly. I laughed out loud.

Once the movie ended, Alec gave a hearty yawn.

“Well, I’m going to run, Grant will be waiting up for me,” Alec said.

“Awww…” I gushed before making another gagging sound.

“Are you sure?” Jake asked. “I thought we could watch another one.” Alec shook his head.

“You?” Jake asked me.

“Sure.” I was tired but still wanted to stay.

“Well, you guys have fun,” Alec said. I stood up and gave him a big hug.

“Think about what I said, ok?” he asked. I could still see the frustration in his eyes.

“Sure. Thanks.”

“Right back,” Jake said as he followed Alec out of the room.

I lay down on the couch. I put my head on the armrest and let my feet hang over the opposite one. It wasn’t long enough, but it still felt good. I had just gotten comfortable when Jake came back in crossing right to the player and loading the new movie.

“This is a good one I just found,” he said as he crossed back and sat in his chair close to me. Once the movie started, I was just happy to relax and not talk anymore. Jake reached over and patted me on the head a few times. No words, just understanding. I ended up falling asleep before the movie ended.

While I slept, I dreamed I was cuffed and standing ready to be put into carbon freeze. Ben stood across from me and behind him were Jake, Alec and Grant.

“I love you,” said Ben with tears in his eyes.

I couldn’t bring myself to say it.

“I know.” It was all I could manage.

Next thing I knew I was frozen. I could still hear and see things going on around me. For years, I knew what was going on with everyone. Lives moved forward and things changed. I could feel but not respond, or change. I was frozen in place. I remember thinking when I could move my lips again I would say “I love you too.” When and if I could melt my lost time away.

I woke up in the dark den surrounded by Jake’s toys. At some point the TV and lamps had been shut off and a blanket spread over me. I felt safe, comfortable and in the present.

The day of Darrin’s birthday party had arrived and I started the long drive up north. The directions Ben e-mailed were good as were his suggestions for the present. I opted for a video game to go with the new game console Ben had just bought for Darrin. I choose one of the games on the list, it looked a little violent to me but that was the request. Before leaving the store, I picked up another one. It was a throwback game, a reinventing of another from years before. It made me smile so I bought it.

I just passed the toll when my phone went off. It was Grant.

“Hey Grant, what’s up?”

“Hi, Patrick. Do you have a second to talk?”

“Sure, I’m on the highway, I have time. You ok?”

“Yeah, I’m fine. I hope you don’t mind, umm… Alec told me a little about what’s going on with you…” he slowed his words cautiously.

I laughed. “Hard to believe. It’s ok, did you call to back him up? Charge right in, right?” Even if that was what Alec wanted Grant to do, I knew Grant would only agree if he really thought it was right.

“Not exactly.” Grant said. I could hear the warm smile in his voice. “Did you come to any decisions yet?”

“No, not really. I spent the last few weeks trying not to think about it actually.” I shrugged even though he could not see it.

“Good, well… if you don’t mind… I had a thought…”

Grant was so polite. He was one of those people who didn’t have a single malicious bone in his body. He never told anyone what to do, except, curiously enough, Alec. Grant would help anyone with anything. A real life good Samaritan who was waiting to make sure it was ok to tell me what he thought.

“Go ahead,” I said.

“It seems to me that you have it backwards. You are the one in control,” he said simply.

“I don’t follow.”

“Do you remember a little of when Alec and I got together? He teased and hinted a little, never really hiding who he was or what he wanted. I was scared and mixed up.”

I remembered Alec said he was going crazy waiting for Grant to want him. Alec was obsessed. He was focused.

“Alec wanted me so bad but I had never even been with a man before. Alec was patient and waited and waited. Finally, I… well I, umm… relented?” Grant giggled before continuing.

“Alec refused to push me. I loved him for it. He made me love him even more that way. I was me who took it farther, each little step was mine, he allowed it.”

My head was swimming a little. That was a strange time, their courtship. Alec was different, we all knew it. Now Grant was telling me Alec been patient, submissive to Grant’s fears. No wonder Alec was going crazy at the time. He was not the one in charge.

“Hey, you still there?” Grant questioned.

“Yes. I don’t understand.”

“I guess what I’m saying is, do what you think or feel for you. If you want to leave it alone, fine. If you want to pursue, go for it. Either way it’s up to you, not him. If he wants to be friends, you can be if you want. If you want to move on, then you move on even if he wants something else. If he wants to… well, you know… that’s up to you too. Don’t look for his approval, we all know you are more than that.”

“I think you overestimate me,” I said sourly.

“I think you underestimate yourself.”

There was a small pause between us, threatening to become awkward.

“Look, I’m sorry Patrick. We all care about you. Nothing is ever that clear cut. You don’t have ‘to get over it’ if you don’t want to. I just wanted to give you something to consider.”

“No, its cool. There’s just so much to think about.”

“Thinking is good sometimes.”

“Not for twenty years,” I said with a certain bitterness.

“Maybe not.” There was another lull.

“Look I’m sorry for overstepping. Are you mad at me?” Grant sounded genuinely concerned.

“No, no, not all.” I thought for a moment. “Well, except that you didn’t call me sooner.”

“I know, bad timing. I’m sorry.”

“Stop apologizing. Its ok, just next time they have an intervention for me, please be there.” I laughed.

Grant laughed back. “I heard about it. It was funny to see Alec so frustrated.”

I laughed harder and kept driving.