To Move Forward - 4. Riding the Waves

“Hey Patrick, I have an idea…” Ben began enthusiastically, “You remember my parents house out on the lake? They’re away visiting my uncle, lets head out there. What you say?” He sounded hopeful.

“Bit of drive, you think?”

“Keep close, I know some short cuts.”

I didn’t know how I felt about the change in plans. His flat was one thing, but this? The house was on a lake, private, semi-secluded, romantic and heartbreaking.

Ben and his family bought the house during our last year of high school. We were unable to spend nearly as much time together by then. We did our best, however, and still spent some intimate time together out there. We spent much of that summer, our last summer, together at the lake house, then he headed off to college and out of my life.

I could remember sitting on the long metal dock with Ben. He was telling me that he loved me and he wasn’t leaving forever. It was just school, he would be back as much as he could. He was asking me to stop crying, it was breaking his heart.

The hurt was still there. I felt it even now, even as we headed to the same place.

We turned onto the smaller road heading around to the smaller lakeside community on the northern shores. It was quiet, the sun was setting fast. Once again, the road became smaller and wove past the vacation cottages that over the years had become year round homes.

The house was dark as we pulled into the driveway. Ben got out of his car quickly and came around to my driver’s side opening the door. He pointed at my bag in the back seat. I reached and picked it up. Without speaking, we made our way to the front door. Once in, I could see through the windows the last rays of the sun setting behind the trees along the shores of the lake.

“Want a drink?” Ben asked. I nodded. “Beer? Soda?” I pointed. We went down the few steps into the family room and paused. We faced the large windows; the rays of the sun fractured through the trees making irregular shadows on the water. I felt a comfortable silence between us. Only the occasional breath or sip of our drinks breaking the silence in the house.

“I forgot how nice it was here,” I started.

“It‘s been a while ,” Ben said gently. “I’m glad you… we, came.”

I could feel him wanting, the way he stood close to the sliding glass door. He looked with longing at, what looked to be, a new metal dock slowly vanishing into the darkness.

“You wanna go out?” I asked quietly. “Warm enough.”

“Let’s sit out on the end like we used to.” Ben voice was calm and maybe even dreamy.

We walked across the yard and out onto the dock. It had been rebuilt. It was still metal, the foundations were old but the decking was new. It extended out over the water a very long way over the shallows and out into the cove. No lights came from the distant houses on the shores around us.

We passed a motorboat raised up at the side, safely out of the water. Life vests and float toys left on the seats. We stood out on the edge looking out over the dark waters.

It wasn’t as painful as I has thought it would be, standing here with Ben, my Enge.

“What do you think?” Ben said quietly.

“Better than I remembered it,” I answered truthfully.

Ben bent over set down his beer and began pulling off his shoes, then his socks.

“What are you doing?”

Ben sat down and hung his legs over the side and into the water.

“Not cold yet,” Ben said. “Here, sit with me.” He gently tugged my drink out of my hand as I followed suit pulling off my shoes and socks. The water wasn’t cold but soothingly cool in the warm air.

We sat close in the growing dark. My heart was beating. I didn’t want him to hear it. It sounded like desperation to my own ears.

“Why did you bring me here?” I didn’t mean it quite so rough sounding, but it was out there now.

Ben took a moment before answering. “My place is lonely. Here, there are memories. When we were happy.” He set down his can and leaned back on his hands. I let him sit in silence for a few moments. He chose to gently break the silence.

“Do you remember when we first woke up together after that time, the last night we… ahhh… were intimate?” He was so cute trying to be delicate with his words. “We came out onto the old dock early in the morning, happy. We watched the sun come up while splashing around, all naked.” He paused before going on. I wondered what his next choice of words would be, to describe what had happened next. “Then going back in for another round.”

I smiled at Ben in the dark. The memory washed over me. He was so nice about it, no detail. As I recalled, it was passionate and energetic and youthful. I wanted to feel that way again. I wanted to be happy and in love again, right now. I set down my can and stood up quickly.

“What’s wrong?” Ben sounded alarmed sitting up straight. I started pulling my shirt off over my head trying to not be self conscious.

“Come on,” I said dryly. I tugged at his shirt sleeve.

“You’re joking…” Ben sounded a little shocked. I began unbuckling.

“Let’s swim out to that shallow spot. Straight out ahead, right?” I think Ben realized I was serious when he heard my pants hit the metal deck.

“You’re serious…” Ben was beginning to chuckle.

“Hurry up,” I hissed at him. I waited, listening for him to make a move. I stood there waiting in my boxers hoping I hadn’t made a huge mistake.

“You’re on!” Ben exclaimed quietly. I could make him out standing up and tugging at his shirt.

I stepped over my pants and went to the boat and pulled out a few of the float toys. Before I made it back, I heard his clothes fall to the dock next to mine.

“Underwear or nekkid?” Ben giggled across from me. I hadn’t considered it.

“Commando,” I said, thanking God it was darker.

After handing him one of the floats, I shucked my shorts, quickly slipped into the water, and began paddling quietly out into the lake. Ben swam up behind me.

Although it was farther than I remembered, I found the shallow area. I used the toy under my chest to float in place leaning forward while nudging the sand under my toes. Ben drifted in beside me. We were far enough from the shore and trees that I could now make out a few stars showing in the sky.

“I can’t believe you!” Ben giggled at me. I could only laugh.

We floated there, suspended in the water looking at the sky. Ben bumped into me.

“So…” He drew the word out expectantly.

“So, what?”

“So, are you going to tell me or not? What were you thinking about?” He pushed on my arm a little.

What was I thinking about? I little of everything. Where would I begin?

“Nothing really, just relaxing.”

“You promised…” he pushed on me harder making more body contact. I lost touch between my foot and the bottom. I had to kick once or twice to get back and crash into him. Now it was his turn to paddle back, laughing as he did.

“You hit me in the ass!” Ben continued to laugh.

“You started it!” I splashed in his general direction. I was promptly splashed back. I reached out to splash again and felt his arm. I grabbed hold. He splashed at me with the other a few times before I could grab on to it.

“Ok, ok, I’ll stop.” Ben was laughing hard. I had to wait for him to calm down a little before gently releasing him. He gently caught my arm back.

“Seriously,” Ben said more seriously, then quieter, “what did you think about when we were at the fair?”

“You were going to tell me first.”

“I did… the last time we…” Ben hesitated. “…were together. Here.” I heard him pull back in the water.

I was a little surprised. That was the memory, the memory he went to. He said it made him smile, that it still made him smile after all these years. I felt warmth flood through my body. Then I remembered what I had actually thought of. I was even more embarrassed.

“Umm… well… ah… honestly… the first time we jacked off together.” I didn’t use the tactful choice of words Ben had.

There was a short silence and then a hearty burst of laughter beside me. I giggled nervously.

“You are such a perv!” Ben exclaimed. “I was being nice and romantic and you’re in the gutter!” He continued to laugh loudly. I punched him in the arm.

“Cut it out! This is why I didn’t want to tell you!” I was still giggling. Ben laughed even harder.

I nudged him with my foot, pushing him away. He paddled back while getting his laughter under control. He put his arm around my shoulders.

“Come on perv, I’m getting cold, lets find something to eat.” He began swimming toward the dock. I followed right behind guided by his snickering.

Thankfully, it was dark enough for me not to be completely embarrassed about being naked in from of Ben. I pulled on my boxers and scooped up all my clothes before catching up with him crossing back to the house.

The stray light from inside caught Ben’s naked form. Sure he was older, we both were. His body did indeed have a few extra pounds, not too many. He filled out well and in proportion from the side I could see. I stared at him thinking about how much I would like to feel and touch all the familiar and caress the new.

Once inside, he pointed across to the bathroom without turning fully around. “We are hooked into the city water now. You can rinse off and grab a towel. I’ll see what’s in the kitchen.” He turned and went up the short flight of stairs, his bare ass flexing. I couldn’t look away even if I had wanted to try.

Once in the shower, I was able to calm down a little. If he were teasing me, he was doing a good job. On the other hand, I was the one who wanted to go swimming. What did I expect to happen? As much as Grant told me I was in control, it didn‘t feel like it. I felt I was on a collision course and couldn’t slow down or turn aside.

I was toweling off when the door opened a crack.

“You done?” Ben said through to opening. I wrapped a towel around myself.

“Yep, you can have it now,” I tried to say casually. Ben opened the door and quickly crossed behind me into the shower. The foggy glass obscured my further exploration of his body.

“You can throw your bag in my old room. I ordered a pizza. Just sign for it if it gets here before I‘m out.” I could see from his movements he was now soaping up. I had to leave before my towel wouldn’t stay snug against me anymore.

His old bedroom had changed. The little bed had been replaced by a larger, couple sized one. The posters had been replaced by pictures. It had become a mature man’s room, not a horny teenager’s anymore. I put on shorts first, foregoing underwear. I turned and saw Ben at the door. I stepped back in surprise.

He reddened a little. “Sorry, didn’t mean to startle you.”

“It’s ok.” I began pulling on a shirt quickly. I hated being seen all exposed. Ben passed by me to the closet. I stepped back to let him by. As he began to undo his towel, I turned to go back down to the family room, leaving my socks next to my bag and dirty clothes on the bed.

I found a Pepsi in the fridge and went back down into the family room. Except for the stars being reflected in the water, it was all dark outside. I left the lights off inside. I sat on the couch. It was new but in the same space where Ben and I used to sit and watch movies together. Maybe we could watch one before going to bed. It wasn’t that late. Something fun and mindless. Something so I didn’t have to think or let my mind wander into hoping.

I heard the doorbell ring followed by Ben calling down he would get it. Shortly after, he carried down the pizza and set it on the coffee table.

“It’s so dark,” he said. He turned on a single lamp. Like me he was barefoot, wearing shorts and a tee shirt.

“Dig in,” he said as he flopped himself down next to me. We did and it was good.

We were both sitting crossed legged leaning back on opposite arms on the sofa facing each other talking, easy and relaxed. I was able to look at him all over and not feel self-conscious getting the chance.

“So tell me about your friends,” Ben said taking a sip.

“Well, there’s Alec. We met years ago. He works in the offices over from me. At first, I was kinda intimidated by him. Alec is so different than me. Now he’s like a little brother. Grant’s cool, he keeps Alec under control.”

“Grant?” Ben raised his eyebrows again.

“His husband.” I tried to say it casually setting down my can.

“Alec and Grant are married?” Ben said with a degree of surprise.

“2009 in Iowa. Jake and I went with to be witnesses.”

“Jake,” Ben paused. I got the feeling that he was pretending to remember something he knew. “The guy who called you.”

“Yep, like I said he’s real cool. Jake even threw them a Bachelor party.”

“And he’s straight.” Ben said with a degree of certainty in his voice, guiding me to his point.

“Definitely.”

“Does that mean you’re definitely gay?” He looked straight into my eyes.

It had been a while since I had been asked directly and it still made me just as uncomfortable as it had back then. I looked down. It had always been my size I think. People assumed I was straight because of how big and tall I was. I had always wondered how many potential lovers I never had a chance to lose because they were to afraid to ask me. I decided to answer the question the same way I had before.

“I thought you knew already,” I said quietly focusing on the sofa between us.

“Well, I thought so… you never actually told me. You never mentioned anyone…” he said simply. That hadn’t occurred to me.

“I’m glad you did.” He was so quiet and warm at the same time. I didn’t say anything right away.

“Are you ok?” There was a tenderness in his voice.

“Fine.” I looked up at him, the worry was still on his face. I didn’t know what else to say. He put his hand on my foot.

“I’m happy you have good friends too,” he said changing the subject slightly.

“Me too.”

I noticed he didn’t pull back his hand, in fact he was gently rubbing my foot with his thumb. It felt too good. I looked into his eyes. He had a grin on his face. I felt a blush creep over me.

He reached out with his other hand and took mine in his hand.

“I missed you,” he said softly.

“I missed you too.” I finally confessed. If I had said it before, I did not remember, but it felt good to finally say it now. There were so many other things I wanted to confess but I didn’t want to interrupt the mood. I reached out and stroked his calf. He looked more playful and a little smug. There was indeed more I needed to say.

“I want to be with you,” I could hear myself say. “I want to be with you always.” He positively glowed, eyes sparkling. “There are a lot of years in between, we are different, I’m different. I need to take this slow. Do you understand?”

He nodded. I took my hand off his leg and stopped him from rubbing my foot. I held both his hands in both of mine. I kept gazing into his eyes lost in his smile. I’m not sure how long we sat like that, starring at each other. We seemed to decide to get up at the same time. I slowly walked across and up to the main floor. I could hear Ben shutting off the light. I made it into the bedroom. All my clothes were neatly placed with my bag and on his dresser. My shoes set next to his by the door. Ben came in behind me and nuzzled into by back reaching around crossing his arms around my chest. I held them tightly. I felt him press up against me and felt another reason to say something.

“Before we do anything,” I said, realizing we already had to a certain extent. “I just want to hold you. I want to be happy to be with you. I want that memory first.”

I pulled Ben around to look at me. He had a small pout on his face.

“Just give me tonight.” Ben nodded back with a sigh.

“Whatever you want,” he said quietly. “I’ve waited this long, I can wait for you to be ready.”

I leaned down and kissed him firmly on the lips.

Maybe he thought he could convince me to “go all the way” later, and maybe he would. Right now I wanted to hold him tightly to me and not let go, the way I had been dreaming about for so long.

He moved first, tugging at my shirt, wanting to pull it up. I gently pushed his hands away.

“Why?” He whispered.

“Slow, I just want to hold you,” I whispered back. “Let’s lay down.”

I lay on my back and he snuggled in on his side at my side. I pulled him close wrapping my arm around him. His hand immediately tugged at my shirt again. I stopped his hand with my free one.

“What?”

“I’m so out of shape. There’s no need to see it.”

“Stop it. We all have a gut. You look great.”

I opened my eyes realizing they had been closed. The light blinded me for a moment. He must have noticed. He easily slipped away from me and went and turned out the light.

I could see his shadow taking off his shirt before returning to me. I pulled him in close and kissed him on the forehead as he settled again at my side. This time he was a little more forthright about wanting to touch me. He reached under my shirt and stroked my chest and abdomen. He caressed me so genuinely, so carefully. I loved it. We cuddled and caressed and held and kissed each other all night.

I woke up first. The sun had risen and the room was lit up. I could hear Ben breathing lightly beside me. Being careful to be gentle, I rolled on my side facing him.

He was resting peacefully, his face and body relaxed were relaxed. The sheet had drifted down off his chest. I slowly reached over and gently began to glide my hand over the black hair on his chest, like he had done for me last night. It was so soft. He continued to lay peacefully. I noticed a gray hair. I almost giggled out loud. Then I was able to see a few others, not too many yet. We were both getting older and that was ok; he, however, had the evidence growing on his body. It was beautiful.

I began to pull the sheet off the lower half of his body to be able to see what I hadn’t last night. I was excited. I felt like a kid again. I felt now like how I had then, the first time I got to see one that wasn’t my own. It was resting peacefully like he was. Mine wasn’t.

I heard the ring first before realizing where it was coming from. Ben began grunting awake. I reached over him to grab his phone and silence it. Ben coughed when it rang again. I had the phone in my hand now and could see who was calling.

“Who is it?” Ben asked sleepily.

I handed him the phone without saying a word. I stood up feeling numb. Why would Rob be calling Ben? Now? He looked at the phone and answered.

“What do you want?” He sounded sleepy.

“I haven‘t decided.”

Ben looked at me before answering. “None of your business.” He sounded a little angry. I pulled on my pants over my shorts.

“Why? So you could check on me?” He sat up, swinging his legs over the side of the bed, facing away from me. His movements broke the remaining spell.

“You don’t own me!” I grabbed my bag.

He shouted into the phone. “Trying to keep me under your thumb!” I finished shoving my clothes in.

“My mistake was trusting you!” That was enough. I picked up my bag and headed through the door.

“What I do is not your problem Rob!” I began heading down the stairs.

“This is nothing to do with you!” I opened the door. How could I be so stupid. Rob and him. No wonder we did not go to his flat. Ben had definitely moved on. Rob had tried to warn me. All the warning signs, I had been blinded by my heart.

I opened the car door and threw my stuff in back. Time wasted. I started up the engine. All these years. As I was buckling my seatbelt in when I saw the cowboy hat still on the passenger seat. He can give it to Rob. I opened my door and tossed it out onto the lawn. After backing out cautiously, I pulled away roughly.

I wasn’t going to look, but I did. Ben was out on the front lawn in his underwear waiving frantically.