Direct Confusion - 5. Chapter 5

I lay in bed and stared at the ceiling, pondering my new situation. My mother had been pleased I’d gone to study with the new boys in my year. She likes it when I make friends, and encouraged me to invite them over for dinner whenever I wanted. I think my parents miss having lots of people about, especially now that my brother has been gone for well over a year. Greg lives on base when he comes home, and though he visits, it’s not the same. I should text all the team to come over soon and have a back garden party before it gets too cold.

And I could invite Erin…

It’s obvious I need to be careful with him, but I cannot believe I am letting myself get sucked into this again. Not only have I accidentally kissed and slightly obsessed over his straight brother, but now I’ve as good as declared my intentions for another boy in the closet. I should cut and run, find some pretty scene-boi and have wild and fantastic sex for the rest of my high school career. Everyone knows high school relationships don’t last. Why is it the hot coil that runs through me when I think of Erin is tempting and delicious? The shape of his lips saying my name is especially tempting. I decide not to overthink the situation, wrap my hand around my erection and stretch my imagination a little.

It’s good.

*

I’m sitting on the hood of my car in the lot, waiting for Derrick and Jim to show up, flicking through the texts on my phone. I sent one out on Sunday, inviting all the guys around for a party this coming Friday, and so far we have twelve confirmed guests, and more who will come and let me know today. Only the text from Erin ends with a little ‘x’.

“Hey McBride!” Jim tosses his bag overarm at me, and I throw it back just as fast when he approaches, “Someone had a good weekend eh? Party at your house.” He leans against the wheel arch of my brother’s ancient Dodge, “We’re gonna miss you at lunch.”

“Urgh…” I had almost forgotten about detention, and the reminder is like a kick in the gut. I had hoped to spend my lunch breaks getting to know Erin Parker a little bit better. Frustration is not a strong enough word. “A whole week of stacking books in the library. Where the fuck is Derrick?”

“Oh bud,” Jim wraps an arm around my shoulders, “He called me last night. He went all the way with Cherrie, which I got in rather extreme detail.”

“Oh dear.”

“Hell, even I had to hang up on him. A gentleman doesn’t kiss and tell.”

“Well that sort of excludes the three of us eh?” I hop off the bonnet as Derrick pulls up in his Merc, “Not that you two wanna hear about my weekend…”

“What did you do?” Derrick, only half out of the car, is already tuned right in, “And who with?”

“Can’t say,” I hold up my hands in supplication, “I’m sworn to secrecy.”

“Not again… Does this mean you’re gonna be sneaking out on us again, or will you actually invite him to the party?”

Now it’s my turn to grin cockily.

“Oh he’s already coming.”

“What?” Jim is shocked, “McBride! You have to tell us.”

“No I don’t. See you at training boys.”

The look of surprise on my best friend’s faces keeps me going all day. The library is nice, quiet and gentle, the musty scent of many books bending the divides of time, space and knowledge. And it doesn’t feel too much like detention, though I’d rather be out with the guys, but at least as I stack the books I can read little snippets and brush up on this semester’s poetry unit.

I am dreading study hall, but Jeremy is not sitting at our shared and divided table when I get there. I dump my books and spread out my stuff for an hour with my sport science textbooks. We’ve been asked to keep a reflective diary on our training and the observations we make on others in the teams, and I’m still trying to come up with a focus for my study. As a captain and a senior, not just any random bunch of reflections will do.

“Hey Luke,” I look up as Jameson Parker slides into the seat opposite me, “Egh, I’m so glad I’m not taking Cheer as actual credits. I don’t have to do one of those reports.”

“Hey…” I glance around the room, “Why are you here?”

“Oh thanks,” Jameson is grinning as he sets down his bag, “I have sat over there for the last week, not that you had noticed. I heard Jeremy was looking to switch, so I switched.” He shrugs fluidly and sits down. “I figured since we were mates it would be fun.”

Jameson starts to sort through all his papers and comes up with his English book. He’s in a different class from me and they’re doing a different unit. At least I know Shakespeare is on the list of future topics to study. Silence and general soft shuffling descends across the study hall as we all get down to work. I try and write about the negative effects of running on lode bearing joints as opposed to swimming and Jameson loses interest in his book and starts to doodle what looks like choreography.

“What’s that?”

“I was chatting with Heather, thought I’d try and come up with a new routine. Coach says we can go for more jumps now I’m on the team, even more if I can find two other guys to join the squad.”

“Shouldn’t be hard,” I spin my pen around the knuckle of my thumb, “You take the dance course?”

“Yeah. I want to go into choreography, for the stage preferably. Something in theatre maybe? I don’t really know.”

“What about Erin? What does he want to do?”

“Oh, less than twenty minutes. I win!” I stare at him blankly, “I had a little bet with myself you wouldn’t be able to hold off asking about Erin for much longer.” Jameson is smirking, “Maybe you should ask him.”

“Did he say anything about me?” Both my heads are suddenly interested in what the boy I kissed has to say about me.

“Not much. Mostly he blushed when I asked him about you.”

I bite my lower lip, remembering the sweet shy kiss, the heat of him in the cage of my arms.

“He made that face too,” Jameson rests his chin on hands, “You two have got it bad.”

“I dunno.” I sigh, “I’m not sure I can do this whole in the closet thing again.”

“He’s out at home, our parents know.” Jameson is quickly reassuring, “Try and remember we only moved out here a couple of weeks ago. Give him time.”

My head doesn’t think giving Erin time is worth it. My crotch thinks if we can get more kisses it will definitely be worth it, and my heart can’t decide at all. My mouth is dry and my jeans feel tight.

“Luke? You OK?”

“Y-yeah.”

Jameson is grinning again.

“Down boy. You’ve got training later. You don’t wanna give away all your secrets…”

*

As it’s a Monday, we have combined training, which means every single one of us gets to runs laps on the field for twenty minutes before dropping for fifty push ups and spending ten minutes on footwork before we are sent for showers and swim training. All the freshman look like they’re about to drop dead, and Derrick and I hustle them along, into the showers and towards the pool. A lot of the football players go for trucks, but those of us who double with the swim team anyway wear our school speedos.

“What are you doing for your report?” Jim stands under the shower in his speedo, washing the last of the grit from the back of his neck.

“Fuck knows. I was gonna do cross sport training, but it seems a bit bland.”

“Effects of diving on the stress joints of the arms and hands,” Jim replies, “It’s gonna be very theoretical.”

“Damn.” Derrick is standing in his trunks waiting for us. “I’m doing mine about the freshmen. Training and development during puberty.”

We wander along the side of the pool. The whole thing is divided up into lanes based on speed. Jim always swims in the fastest lane, even for warm up, and the linked square pool is open for cool downs.

“You’re friends with that guy on the cheerleading team right?” Derrick asks. I nod in reply. “Well fuck. Ask him about doing a study on the different needs of soccer versus cheering. Considering they’re both low impact and high cardio sports. Might be useful.”

“Sounds cool. I’ll pick his brain about it.”

“What happened about that anyway?” Jim enquires.

“He’s straight as either of you two are.” I shrug, “We have study hall together.”

“Come on boss!” Chase shouts at me from his lane at the other end of the pool, “Ye can’t just stand there and watch us do all the hard work.”

I flip him off quickly, before any of the coaches can see, and slip into the pool. Ten seconds later I am really glad my excitable lower half is under the fairly chill water, because Erin emerges from the changing rooms in his green speedo with the little yellow cord knotted at the top and I can’t think about anything else. He is beautiful, all tight muscles, the tempting ridges of his abdomen, and being a running back obviously gives him the world’s most glorious legs. I want to grip my fingers into his thighs and hold on for dear life. The tight green speedo does wonders for my imagination too. The bulge is not just my imagination.

To my joint relief and disappointment, he chooses a different lane, a slightly slower one, but I see him smile at me quickly before he vanishes underwater. The whole of the rest of the session, I want nothing more than to be alone with him.

*

I find a shower next to his, and steal his shampoo before he can put it down.

“Hey.”

“Hey…” It’s hard with the water to tell if he’s blushing.

I scrub and lather the shampoo into my hair. Part of me thinks I should cut it again, it saves time, but Jameson said Erin liked it. I smile at him and pass the bottle back.

“Thanks.”

“How was training?”

“Hard. I think Derrick is trying to kill the new recruits. He makes the team captain at our old school look like a pushover.” Erin grabs a handful of lemon scented body wash and starts to run his hands over his chest and arms. I stare.

I can’t help it. The showers, both the open communal ones by the pool and the booths in the locker rooms, are one of the places where, up until now, I have never allowed myself to look. Even with speedos on, I generally just wash down, rise off and head for the locker rooms. Guys get hard-ons in the shower or after sports all the time, and it’s not that so much, although it would be embarrassing. But I’ve watched enough porn and had enough experience with Jeremy to know watching a really hot guy rubbing himself with suds is one of my ultimate turn-ons. I like my friends. I don’t want to be turned on by them. But Erin isn’t strictly my friend, and I know he’s into me, and I can’t help myself.

A wet towel smacks me around the back of the head and I pull away from my fantasy to glare at Jim.

“McBride.” He sounds stern, “A word?”

Whilst I doubt this is going to be anything other than embarrassing and painful for both of us, I duck out of the shower, grab my towel and scrub at my hair as I follow my friend.

“What?”

“Dude…” We are alone in the locker rooms, all around us hanging clothes left out like laundry, waiting for their owners to come back. Jim wraps his towel around his hips, “You cannot be hitting on the new guy in the fucking showers.”

“I was not hitting on him!” I hiss angrily. If I’d been actively seducing Erin, there would have been more steam in there than in the sauna.

“You were practically undressing him with your eyes,” Jim snaps back, “And I am not the only one who noticed.” He gestures vaguely downwards and I check myself to see I am spouting a rather impressive looking hard-on. Pressed along the line between thigh and abdomen, at least the damn thing is still entirely covered by my skimpy speedo.

“Fuck’s sake Jim,” I whip the towel off my shoulder and tied it around my waist, “It’s my cock, it’s not the end of the fucking universe.”

“Buddy…” Jim’s voice takes on a caring also parental note, “We love ya bro, but you can’t flirt with straight boys in the showers. It’ll make the guys nervous.”

“Oh fuck you!” My good mood is completely ruined by Jim’s assumption. “In all the year’s we’ve known each other when have I ever tried to make a fool of myself with a straight boy?” Not counting Jameson and the incident which thankfully no one else knows about, “Be less fucking small minded. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

I ignore Jim, grab my stuff from locker, pull on a pair of sweatpants while I walk and exit the locker rooms damp and mostly undressed. A little chorus of whistles greet me as I push through the double doors, because Heather and half a dozen other cheerleaders are waiting on the benches for their friends.

“God it’s wholly unfair that you turned out to be gay,” Heather sighs wistfully, eyes skimming over my chest as I wrestle my t-shirt over my head.

“Am I supposed to take that as a compliment?” I ask, rather muffled.

“Oh hell yes you are!” One of the other girls pipes up, “You should walk around with no shirt on more often.”

I smile and finish getting dressed.

“You alright McBride?” Heather frowns at me, “Leaving in a hurry?”

“Something like that. See ya gals.”

I leave to a chorus of giggles.