Boy #6 - 2. Chapter 2

It was a thought to meditate on...being the only gay boy in the area. Or even anywhere NEAR here! Maybe even the whole state is straight! I kinda sulked over it for the next twenty minutes as I wandered the halls, waiting for that last bell of the day to ring. I was in this...'zombie-like' state, where I didn't want to think, didn't want to feel. I just wanted to sleepwalk through the rest of my life, and keep these desires to myself. Locked up and tossed into the dark basement of my soul where they belong. It really just..hurt, you know? To want somebody so badly and have them reject you right off the bat without even giving me a chance. They don't even know anything ABOUT me. It's not like fucking a SHEEP or anything...I'm just...I'm a member of the same sex. So what? Is that really sooooo disgusting to them? It's not to me. If I was a 'girl', I might at LEAST be able to score a date or two with someone before they decided that they were totally disgusted by the idea of being with me. But 'boys loving boys' isn't necessarily treated with a sense of fairness in this town. I've spent my whole life, growing up with these people...but once sexual attraction became a part of the equation...everything changed. It got complicated, and scary, and just...sighhhh...hopeless. There's nothing more hopeless than wondering if you should prepare for a life without love.

"Kevin? What are you doing out here?" I looked forward, and saw Carter in the halls, waving me over to one of the school's empty classrooms. The place where we have our school paper staff meetings. I guess that I was pretty late, just wandering around in a daze like that. "Come on, people are getting kinda fidgety already. How did the interview go?"

"Don't ask." I told him.

"That well, huh?"

"Worse." I said, trying to get my emotions together. "Is everybody ready to discuss the issue for next week?"

"Everybody that's here, sure." Carter replied.

"Wait...what do you mean, everybody that's here?"

"Well...I mean, I'm sure the others are just late. But Mr. Dunn kinda wants to start things off soon, so..."

"Sighhhh....whatever." I told him, walking into the classroom to find five people waiting. Five people...out of almost 15. "This is it?"

"Some folks kinda bailed on us this week." Carter said. "There's a dance coming up...they're all kinda...'involved' at the moment."

Mr. Dunn, my journalism teacher, was sitting at a desk in the room. More of a room monitor and a helpful guide than anything else. But even though he was quick to offer his advice, he mostly let us run the paper ourselves, submitting it to him for approval later. He smiled when he saw me come into the room, and then went back to his books, grading papers for his classes tomorrow.

I looked at the room, and while I should've been happy with the five people that I got...I have to admit that it made me kinda cranky knowing that everybody else just 'brushed me off' like they didn't care at all about what I was trying to do here. If it wasn't for me and Carter, the school paper would have been cancelled altogether a long time ago. "Ok...so where is everybody?" I asked the group. They hardly even acknowledged my question. Out of FIVE fucking people...none of them had anything to say! NOTHING! "Hellooooooo? Can anybody hear me???" I think that most of my emotion was wrapped up in my fucked up day...but still, you'd think somebody would at least answer me! "Where is Peter? Where's Lisa? Crissy? Charles? I called everybody together today for a reason, and two thirds of us are missing. SOME of us, for the third or fourth time. So what gives?"

Benny was the first to speak up, "They just had shit to do, dude. They were busy."

"Oh, and I don't get busy? I guess I never have homework? I never have friends and family to spend time with? I have other stuff to do too. But I 'managed' to show up. YOU guys managed to show up." I told them. "What about Joey? Does he have the pictures he promised from the canned food drive last weekend? Where is HE?"

Greg told me, "He said he'd give them to you the day after tomorrow. He's ditching tomorrow to be with his girlfriend."

"NO! The pictures have to be IN by tomorrow! They've gotta go to PRINT tomorrow! Can somebody get in touch with him? We NEED those!"

"Why don't you just push the story back to next week instead?"

I tried to calm down, but I couldn't grit my teeth together hard enough. "We CAN'T just push it back to next week. Ok? The drive happened LAST week...so we report it THIS week. Does that not compute?"

Greg sneered at me. "Dude, chill out. It's just a school newspaper."

"It's NOT just a..." I had to lower my voice as I saw Mr. Dunn watching me with concern. "...Ok, you know what, forget it. I'm not gonna get mad. We'll do something else instead." I turned to Michele. "Michele, what do you have for a front page this week?"

"I didn't finish it yet." She said sheepishly.

"You didn't...finish it? It's...it's the front page?"

"Well..I was busy." She said with a shrug.

"Somebody ELSE who was 'busy'. Great. Well...what is it about?"

She looked up at me briefly, and said, "Ok...so I didn't start it yet."

Carter covered his face with his hand, hiding from me while I did my best not to TOTALLY fucking explode! "You've GOT to be kidding me! You've GOT TO BE FUCKING *KIDDING* ME!!!" I shouted, and Mr. Dunn had to break in.

"Kevin..." He said, and I had to work hard to swallow it all. Sooooo hard to hold it all in.

I sat down in a nearby desk, and brought my fingers up to rest on the bridge of my nose. "Did...anybody even bother to do what they were supposed to do for the paper this week?" I asked, and Carter was the only one who raised his hand. He noticed his solitary admission...and bashfully brought his hand back down. My right hand man, my only loyal assistant, and the only one to support me in here. Every other person in that room had completely blown me off. On purpose. They just...didn't give a shit at all. "So....everybody was too 'busy'...to take FIVE minutes...and help me out here? This was really important to me, and you guys couldn't just take a LITTLE bit of time out of your day..to help me out? Not ONE of you?"

Johnny angered me even more when he said, "We're 'sorry', Kevin. We can't all just drop the rest of our lives to work on this paper. I mean, it's not the only thing in our lives."

To which I answered, "You know what? I didn't ASK you to give over your whole life to this paper. ANY of you. I only asked that you try to do your part and make this worth my time. That's all." I could feel this burning anger and the ice cold grip of despair fighting for control over my emotions at that moment. And...defeated, I quietly added, "This paper may not mean shit to you guys...but it means a lot to me. The fact that you couldn't even pretend to care one day out of the week...for my sake...well, it says a lot." The room fell silent for a moment, and I just stared at my closed notebook. Thinking back to what happened earlier in the day, and feeling my spirit getting heavier and heavier until there was hardly enough breath left in me to complain any more. After all I had been through, getting this paper moving in the right direction might have been enough to at least keep me distracted from my problems today. Instead, I'm left with even more to stress about.

Who am I fooling? They didn't care. I shouldn't even expect them to. They were 'busy'. Too busy to give a shit about anything that I was trying to do. So...once again...I'm all 'alone' here. Trying to carry this stupid newspaper all on my own shoulders.

"Look, I gotta leave kinda early today. So can we kinda hurry this up?" Benny asked me, and I didn't even bother feeling insulted.

"Go. Whatever. I don't care. Why doesn't everybody just go. It's not like we have a whole lot to discuss, is there?"

I didn't need to tell them twice. And my 'five' remaining helpers picked up their stuff. Johnny looked down, and said, "You don't have to be such a 'girl' about it, Kev. Jesus. It's not even all that important."

This time, I stood up, and tried my best to keep my hands from reaching out and strangling him to death. "It's important to ME! Ok? To ME! And if you're not gonna DO anything, and you're NEVER gonna say anything worthwhile, then why the FUCK do you even keep coming back here?!?!? HUH??? What GOOD are you? You don't offer ANYTHING to ANYBODY! So why even fucking show your face? Why even bother wasting your time? You CAN'T be getting anything out of this, because you hardly put anything INTO it! So what's your deal? If you're too 'busy' to help anybody or add ANYTHING to our discussions...then why don't you just go be 'busy' someplace ELSE from now on? I'd rather get some people in here who give a shit!"

"Kevin!" Mr. Dunn said in shock, and stood up to step between us, obviously seeing the rage in my eyes. "Johnny...why don't you go on home. Let me talk to Kevin for a minute."

"No, he's right! I don't need this! Fuck you, then! I'm walking!" Johnny said back. "If he's gonna get all pissy and mad every time somebody doesn't want to be a part of his special little 'project'...then screw him! I'm out!"

"FINE!" I said, as Mr. Dunn kept his hand on my chest. Everyone had cleared out of the classroom except for Carter, who shyly looked at me with...I don't know what it was that I saw in his eyes. I guess it was just 'pity'. Who knows?

"Carter, can you give us a moment?" Mr. Dunn asked him, and he hesitated for a second before walking over to gently hand me his folder of printed comments for the group.

"I'm sorry, man." He said. "That was pretty messed up of them." Then he offered, "If you need any help getting some filler for the rest of the paper this week, just call me, k? We'll work something out by tomorrow." And with a nod from Mr. Dunn...Carter walked out and closed the classroom door.

I stepped away from my teacher and said, "I already know what you're gonna say, and I'm sorry. I just...I lost it, ok?"

"Just losing it isn't really a valuable excuse for your behavior, Kevin."

"He wasn't that great an editor, anyway. I can find somebody else to take his place, easy. Somebody who actually WANTS to do this with some level of commitment. Some....loyalty."

Mr. Dunn softened his expression a bit, and leaned back against his desk, folding his arms. "You know...you can't just force people to share your passion for this project, Kevin. They'll give what they can, when they can. Sometimes that just has to be enough."

"But they're not giving ANYTHING, Mr. Dunn! I mean...every day I see them! They come here, and they sit in a desk, and they pick their noses without saying a word to anybody about ANYTHING. I try and I try to get them to be independent enough to take care of things without me having to harass them every fifteen minutes...and they just...slack off and don't care." I said, feeling even more hurt than I was when I came in. "I can't RUN all of this by myself!!! There are FIFTEEN people here who are supposed to HELP me! And every chance they get, they blow me off, and tell me they're too busy, or too tired, and make up every excuse in the book as to why they can't give me a MINIMAL effort without me getting down on my knees and having to BEG them for it! I thought they wanted to be a PART of something? Why are they even HERE if they're not gonna get involved?" I felt the emotion welling up in my throat, and my eyes began to water, as my conversation suddenly became more about 'me' and less about the school paper. "I just...I want to stop feeling so ALONE, you know? I'm so SICK of being the only person feeling this way! Of being the ONLY person who's willing to give a shit about somebody other than themselves. I'm so SICK of constantly pushing my own feelings aside to really...MEAN something to somebody...and having them just DITCH me to go 'play' somewhere! I'm tired of being overlooked...and made fun of...and treated like I don't matter. Like my feelings don't matter. I'm working my ass off to make this special...and I've been...totally abandoned by the people I trusted to help me figure this out." It was then that the first tear fell from my eye, and I wished that I had the power to stop it. "I'm alone, Mr. Dunn. I'm....I'm soooo alone here. And nobody cares. Nobody ever cares. I can't even get them to pretend. They don't even love me enough to feel 'obligated' to care." Mr. Dunn didn't say a word, but as more tears fell, and I slumped down in my chair...he reached into his desk drawer, and handed me some tissues.

"Are you going to be ok?" He asked me.

Great. Now on top of anger, sadness, and loneliness...I'm feeling humiliated too. "I'm sorry. I've just...got some other stuff going on right now. Issues...you know?"

"Gee, ya think?" He said, getting a very faint smile to reach the surface so we both could share it. "Kevin...you know, this paper, this project...I know you put your heart and soul into it. And that's going to count for a lot in the long run. But do what you do because you love to do it. Not because you're hoping for everybody else to feel the same way. You should be out having fun yourself. The paper can wait until next week. Take a break and get your 'issues' straightened out."

"I can't."

"Sure, you can."

"No, I CAN'T!" I said louder. "The second I let them slack off, the worse they get. Soon I won't be able to get any help at all. It's bad enough as it is." I wiped my eyes, trying to keep my sniffles to a minimum. "I just wanna have an impact. I just want to get people to give a damn. It can be....sooooo hard for some people...when they realize that you just don't give a damn." A part of me wanted to say it out loud. I wanted to just tell him how the cute boy next door would never love me, how the popular school boy laughed in my face, and how the school's star athlete threatened to kick my ass just for admiring him up close. I wanted to tell him how many nights I stay up, praying to God that some cute stranger would move into town, and he would feel the way I do. How I wish I could kiss, and hold hands, and get the same chance at getting the kind of affection that everybody else has in this town. Instead, I stay locked in this prison. I can't have it. I can't talk about it. I can't look at the things I want without worrying about who's watching. I can't even dream about it without feeling guilty when I wake up. Somehow..I just had these really high hopes that today would be different. I was really hoping that today...I would find proof that I couldn't be as alone as I feel.

Mr. Dunn waited for a moment, and he said, "I think I get it."

"No, Mr. Dunn...I'm pretty sure you don't." I told him.

"You might be surprised." He offered.

But I knew better. "Heh...not as surprised as you would be if you knew what was bugging me." I got up and grabbed my stuff. "I'm sorry. I'm just...I'm gonna go home before this day gets any worse."

He had such a worried look on his face that I kinda felt bad for dumping it on him. "You know, Kevin...if you ever want to talk...about anything...you can come to me."

"Thanks." I said halfheartedly. "I'll be fine. It's just...sighhhh...I work really hard on this. And I just don't understand how people can just...'look at me' living in misery and not say anything. I would." Mr. Dunn's face seemed to drop slightly, and I really needed to just get home. Now I was screwing up his day too. "Sorry. I know, I'm being pathetic. I just...I wish I wasn't so alone. That's all." He looked so hurt by that statement...but shit, it hurt me to say it. "Like I said....nobody cares. Why pretend?" And with that, I left the room. What else could I do? I mean...tomorrow's another day, right? Maybe even a better day. Couldn't get much worse, that's for sure. Besides...even if it's better that I leave this investigation of mine alone...I've still got two targets left. If I'm gonna fail at this, then I might as well fail all the way. Better to be a complete failure than a partial success.

Who knows? Maybe I can just 'PAY' some horny boy cutie to let me blow him in the alley or the park bathroom whenever he wants me to. That seems to be the best I can hope for these days. It's better than nothing at all.

Going to sleep that night was difficult. The whole time, I swore that I could still hear Ralphie's sweet voice 'laughing' at me while those pretty eyes stared me down from a distance. I could still feel Jeff Patton pushing me against the lockers with those strong sexy arms and that evil look in his eye. I thought about Marc drooling over his teacher's boobs, completely ignoring anything and everything that could ever possibly be attractive about me. It hurts more than I can describe...knowing that I still find the people that hate me more than anything...sexy. It just....it seemed like such a waste to me, you know? Those boys would have been real heartbreakers if they were gay. Boys would have lined up around the BLOCK to get a chance of having them all to themselves! Ugh! Just thinking about them caused my heart to ache with a pain that I could hardly bear, so I just rolled over on my side, curling up into a tight little ball under my sheets while I waited for it to mellow out enough to let me sleep. I refused to let a single tear fall from my eye. I didn't want to cry it out. And I didn't want to punch a hole in the wall, either. I just...wanted to lay there and 'crave' hopelessly for a while. I wish I had more to look forward to...but the way I feel right now, I don't. Why even bother?

Losing consciousness was the best thing that could have happened to me that night. Because some subconscious signal went through me while I was sleeping, and somehow gave me a very faint light at the end of the tunnel. I don't know what I dreamed about the night before, but it was enough to fuel me with enough frustration to bring my determination back to one hundred percent potency when I woke up this morning. I think a big part of it was just plain anger. It was like...I needed to PROVE that the boys that I had given a real CHANCE at getting my heart, had truly missed out on a golden opportunity. I wanted to be blissfully happy with somebody cute and sweet and special...if for no other reason than to throw it right back in their fucking FACES for treating me so badly. I sprung out of bed, hoping that my next two leads would completely reverse the luck I've had so far. Two more possibilities, with a 50/50 percent chance each. Even if they're just BIsexual....I'll take it! Just so long as he gives me an opportunity to show him that I'm just as capable of making another boy happy as any girl is. That's all I need....is just ONE moment...where I get to prove that I'm worthy of some other boy loving me, DESPITE the odds and the bullshit surrounding our sexuality..and I can be HAPPY! Really happy, you know?

It's....all I want. Everything else in my life can fall into a big pile of shit for all I care. I JUST..sighhh...I just want to know that there's someone out there for me. For ME! You know? I'd gladly throw the rest of my life out of balance right now just to have someone to hold. Just once.

I got to school earlier than usual, my face visibly determined to make something out of this new opportunity. I had a brand new 'C' drawn on my hand, even bigger than yesterday, and began marching my way towards the front door. Two targets left...and ONE of them has GOT to be gay! In fact, I don't even know why I started with the other three anyway. That was reaching way too high. I was blinded by the fact that they were the cutest boys in school, and wishful thinking kept me from seeing things clearly. I'm sure these others will be better.

"Sup, Kev?" I heard as I headed towards my locker, and saw Carter catching up to me quick. "You feeling a little less...um..'crazed' today?"

"If anything, I'm feeling even crazier than yesterday. But it's a good thing, trust me." I told him.

"Cool. Mind if I let some of that rub off on me? I've got a major test today, and my chances of passing it are, like, less than zero. I'd probably make a higher score if I left it blank."

"That's what you always say, Carter, and you end up making a high enough grade to wreck the cure for the rest of us." I smiled.

"Hey, what can I say? Pressure and stress help me to work." He grinned back at me. "Oh, HEY...did you watch that tape yet?"

"The tape?" I asked, completely forgetting about it until that very second. "Oh man, I'm sorry. I had a lot on my mind yesterday. It's still in my locker. You want it back?"

"Nah, you can keep it. Just loan it out to me for a day after you watch it, because I haven't had a chance to check it out yet."

"You didn't see it?"

"Nope. I only taped it for you. Evidently, I missed out on something awesome. Barry in my physics class won't stop going on about it."

"You'll have it by tomorrow. Promise." I told him.

"No rush." Then he reached into his backpack, and pulled out a folder. "So, I did a little bit of footwork last night...well...it was more like 'phone' work, actually...but I think I worked something out for the paper." He opened the folder and showed me some typed papers. "Now...don't judge me too hard on my writing skills, but I figured that since I had so many quotes on standardized tests already, I could write that up as an entire story for the front page, and just grab some more quotes at lunch about the nasty shit that passes for cafeteria food these days. So we move that to the student reaction page, we move the test story to the front page...and we can fill in the rest with something else." I stood in awe of his strategy, and my mouth dropped slightly as he flipped through a few more pages. "Also..it just so happens that Janet Curtis was doing a photography project this past weekend...and she happened to get three or four pics of the canned food drive." He pulled out the pictures and showed them to me. "Most of them are a little distant, but we could blow them up in the computer lab, and I'm sure we could make them work." One of the pictures had Carter standing at the table, bringing a bag of canned food to the drive himself, along with his mom.

"This one is awesome. And it's pretty close."

"Which one?"

"The one with you in it. We should use that one."

"Really?" He said, looking a bit 'weird' about it. "Um...ok. But let's cut my mom out though. I don't want people to see me with her."

The comment made me giggle, and he smiled sweetly in response. The fact that he went through so much trouble to make next week's issue happen...damn he's smart. I'd like to think I'd be HALF as smart as he is if my mind wasn't twisted around my sexy thoughts day and night. "Carter....you're a life saver. You know that? I mean it...thank you." I said, feeling the words truly leaking out of an already wounded heart. He was truly something special.

"Like I said...somebody's gotta keep your life together." He grinned.

"No, really...this is above and beyond the call of duty, dude."

"No it isn't. This is why you hired me."

"Hehehe, I didn't hire you, Carter. I asked for your help, and you gracefully accepted." I giggled.

"Well, I might as well do a 'graceful' job then, right?" He said. "That's why I'm here."

I don't know what made me do it, but some kind of emotional line had been crossed at that moment...and I stepped forward to hug Carter around the neck. "Thank you soooo much, Carter. You came through again." The second he felt my arms touch him, he tensed up. His whole body became rigid, and for a second, I think he stopped breathing. "Dude...ok, what's happening here?" He asked, struggling a bit to quickly put some distance between us. When I let him go, he looked almost horrified by the act itself. Some other students walked by us, and Carter turned bright red in the face, looking down at the floor. He seemed totally embarrassed by my big gay display of affection in front of other people, and I instantly regretted it. You know...for a moment, I had almost forgotten that being even remotely affectionate with another boy was about as big a sin as anyone could imagine in this town. Carter stepped away from me, his eyes still a bit wide from the contact.

"Carter...I didn't..."

"Yeah. I've gotta go." He said. "I'll get you those quotes about the cafeteria once I go to lunch. Here's the folder, get those photos to print, but tell them to be CAREFUL...because Janet will KILL me if we ruin her only printed copies." He said, backing his way down the hall. Every step taking him a safer distance far away from my 'fag' antics. Sighhhh....

"Sure. Ok." I said quietly. Shit...what the fuck did I HUG him for? I've really got to learn to keep this emotional shit under control.

"Oh yeah, and get me that tape of Jeff's interview next period, so I can type it up for you. I've got a free study hall today." Was it just me, or was he being really strange all of the sudden. I mean...from what he said, it was the same old Carter. But...his comments just didn't 'feel' the same. Hard to explain. Even harder to analyze. Not that Carter was ever really that easy to analyze to begin with.

Alright, so the school day begins, and I've just gotten a lot of unnecessary stress off of my back. Let's see if I can get this investigation underway.

TARGET #4: Mickey Slade Now Mickey was what you would call the 'anti-geek'. Somehow, despite the somewhat nerdy appearance, the glasses, the bright red hair and slight spattering of freckles, and lack of clothing that could even be 'mistaken' for hip...he managed to avoid the whole nerd stigma completely. Simply by being a cool person. The ultimate testament to the idea that you can't judge a book by it's cover. The thing is...when you really took time to notice it...the 'cover' wasn't really all that bad. Mickey had this...body on him. It was dressed funny, sure...but if you really looked at it, he was tall, with broad shoulders, with a flat chest and stomach. I wouldn't be surprised if he had a soft little six pack under that shirt of his. He had soft brown eyes that seemed to glow with a brilliance that his wire rimmed glasses couldn't contain. And he had a mouth full of silver braces that would almost blind you when he smiled, as he was beyond the point of trying to hide them from anybody. Plus, he was one of those boys that you could just look at and know that he was...ummm...a mouthful, you know? Seriously. His stature and height, you just imagined your mouth being just physically 'full' when you sucked him...even when he was limp. And something about that was incredibly HOT to me.

Mickey came first that day, because he worked in the 'hut', which was right in the middle of the high school's main hall. It was basically like a prison commissary for students. A little store, the size of a walk-in closet where we could buy extra notebooks, pencils, pens, computer disks, batteries, calculators...whatever knick knacks we ran out of in the middle of the day. Don't know how he got the job, and don't think I really want to. But even though Mickey and I knew each other pretty well from Junior High, we didn't have any classes together in high school. So this was the only predictable schedule that I had to work with. It would have to be enough. It was pretty 'public', but I was hoping to get enough evidence to maybe get him alone somewhere and probe a little deeper. Hopefully right up that tight little ass of his.

Ahem...'professionally speaking', of course...

"Greetings and salutations, my man." Mickey said with a grin as I approached. "What do ya need?"

"What makes you think I need anything?" I smiled, making sure to put my 'C' symbol hand on top of the counter where he could see it clearly.

"Hehehe, well, I can't confess to getting many random 'visitors' in here that aren't looking for something specific. So I'm assuming this is a trip of necessity."

"You misjudge me."

"Such is the life of a guy who works directly with the greedy system of supply and demand." Good, Mickey's in a good mood. The subject has been engaged, conversation has broken the ice...time to put the operation into effect.

"I might need one of those disks for the computer lab, actually. I have a paper to write. I've been doing a lot of studying on it, I hope I got it right." Easy Kevin. We've gotta grease the wheels on this one. It's a delicate process...go in slow.

"Oh yeah? What's the paper about?" He said, turning to grab me a disk from the wall behind him.

Excellent! Targeting subject...now! "Well, it's just some weird sociology project thing. You know, about different kinds of people and how they're either accepted or outcasted from society." Mickey seemed interested, but I stopped as a couple of girls came up to grab a pack of pens and a mini stapler. Mickey helped them out, but then returned his attention to me again.

"So...this sounds like a pretty hefty project."

"Oh, it is..." I started, and had to wait while somebody 'else' came up to buy a small bottle of white-out. Dammit, I wish I didn't have to do this in between classes while he was busy. Ok, initiating main directive...now. "...So, I'm basically just talking about the differences between us, and the people who kinda get kicked out to the side."

"What kind of differences?"

"Well...you know...financial, physical, educational, cultural..." Do it...plant the seed now. "Ahem...sexual..." I tried to slip it in as seamlessly as possible, but I was definitely hoping he'd notice.

"Really? Sounds interesting."

Keep going. Make him take the bait. Get creative. "Well...I'm not really finished with my research yet. I mean...everybody here is so much alike. Nobody wants to admit anything 'odd' about themselves in this place."

"Tell me about it." He said.

"Even though...I'd TOTALLY keep it a secret! I mean, all of my sources are 100 percent anonymous! All the time. I just need to find somebody to talk to, you know?" I said, feeling a shiver go through me as I tried to cautiously approach the reason of my visit. "Like, I really wish I could talk to someone from a totally different...'culture'. You know...to get some perspective." And then I lowered my voice a bit as I tried to casually add, "And maybe...like...a gay boy or something."

I think that got his attention, and I stood there like a deer in headlights as I tried my hardest not to look like I was 'suggesting' anything directly. His brown eyes met mine, and I swear, my brain froze to the point where I couldn't even THINK! "Wait...you want to interview a gay boy?"

"Wha? Huh? Well...I mean...for the PAPER, I mean..."

"You mean like a homosexual?" He was talking so LOUD! Well, ok, it was his regular voice, but I didn't mean for him to say the word...'HOMOSEXUAL' at full volume around me in a hallway full of students! JESUS!

"Not JUST a...a..." I lowered my voice to a whisper. "...A homosexual. I mean, like, a BUNCH of people."

"You mean a bunch of homosexuals?"

"NO! A bunch of DIFFERENT people! From different...backgrounds and stuff..." I started instantly backpedaling, and when I saw that my hand was still sitting up on the counter where he could see it...I snatched it down to hide it at my side.

A freshman boy walked up beside me to buy a notebook pad from Mickey, and I was hoping it would give me a minute to think about this. Bad thing is, he didn't stop talking, even with the other boy standing right THERE! "Where are you gonna find a gay guy?"

I gasped so hard that I nearly swallowed my tongue, when he said that!!! "Mickey...I..."

"What's he need a gay guy for?" The younger boy asked, his face wrinkled up.

"He's doing a paper." Mickey answered, but then he thought about it a second, and asked, "Wait...you don't think I'M gay, do you?"

"WHAT??? No...Mickey...no..." I said, still wishing that I had a way to shut him up.

"Cause I'm not. Seriously." Mickey told me, blowing target number four's name right off of the list.

"I didn't say you were gay, Mickey." I told him. I have to admit, it pinched my heart a little bit to have him deny it. I almost got my hopes up over this one.

"So then...wait...are YOU gay, Kevin?" He asked.

"Ewwww...dude, you're gay?" The other boy asked.

"NO!!! HELL no!!! FUCK no!!! I'm not gay!" I lied.

"You don't have to get all loud about it, Kev. It's cool if you're gay." Mickey offered.

"No it's not." The other boy said. "That's fucking gross."

"I'm NOT gay! I was just...I....you know what, forget it! Forget I said anything." I told Mickey, throwing some money on the counter for the disk and started to walk away. "And I'm NOT gay! I'm NOT! Don't go spreading that shit!" I told the other kid, who I was willing to whip the tar out of if he so much as breathed one word of this to anybody else. FUCK!!! I was really putting my money on Mickey to at least be into a little discrete fooling around! He's never had a girlfriend in his LIFE! How the hell is HE straight? If guys are gonna be straight all the fucking time, they should be forced to wear some kind of...MARK or something! Instead of me walking around with this STUPID 'C' on my hand, they should have to wear a big letter 'H' on their forehead for 'hetero-breeder-piece-of-shit-straight-guy'....don't touch!!! Ugh! This is SO fucking unfair!

I hurried around the corner to get OUT of that hallway, and was already planning out alternate routes to my classes in the future so I could avoid my last subject for the next few weeks until this whole thing blew over. The less he sees of me, the better.

Shit. I can't believe this particular approach was a washout.

Final Analysis: My Cover Has Been Compromised! ABORT! I Repeat...ABORT! Avoid Subject At All Costs Until More Research Can Be Done!

Needless to say, my luck so far with this particular investigation made it hard for me to keep the faith that my very last hope would actually pan out. Again, I had studied his movements, his 'girl history', any possible gay traits, and calculated the chances that he might actually be just like me. And he scored pretty high on the list...but...after four miserable failures, what should I expect? What happens if I keep doing this, and enough people start whispering about it? Even if I WASN'T gay...the high school gossip would have officially MADE me gay by the time it finished getting around to everybody listening. I mean, I can't just approach every boy in school like this. Already, I've put myself out there enough to have them totally 'yank' me out of the closet kicking and screaming. So once I finish, I'll have to lay low for MONTHS before I can put together another list of possible targets. Then again...what if I stop now, and Daniel, my final target, turns out to be the one boy in the whole school that I ever had a chance with? What if I stop now, and I lose out on him? That would kill me! He's adorable! Shit...I wish I could have Carter help me with this. He would be able to come up with a much better plan, I'm sure of it. I guess this is one project he can't assist me on.

I'm on my own.

I was walking past Mr. Dunn's room on my way to class, and he came outside to get my attention. "Kevin...hold on for a second."

I have to admit my recent humiliation was still burning deep in my chest, hollowing me out like a quick working team of emotional termites. But with all of the bullshit teachers that you have to deal with in the first 18 years of your life...when you finally get one or two that your actually 'like' and have respect for...it's kinda hard to walk away from them when they call. "Yeah?" I said, keeping my gaze down at my shoes.

He stopped for a moment. "You alright?"

"I'm fine." I said. "I've got to get to class, so..."

"I know, I know...just..." He stopped again. "Kevin? If you have some time, I want you to come by my classroom after school. Ok? Just for a few minutes. I want to talk to you."

"Whatever." I said, and looked up at his eyes briefly, as I began to walk away from him.

"Is that a yes?" He asked.

"Honestly? I don't know yet." I told him truthfully. "Sorry, Mr. Dunn...I've just got..."

"...'Issues'. Yes, I know." He said. "But if you get the opportunity, come talk to me. Ok? It's important."

I didn't want to tell him I'd be there if I wasn't going to be there. I didn't want to make any promises, knowing that the rejection of my very last subject could be the one to truly break me down. The LAST thing I wanted to do was go to Mr. Dunn with even more tears in my eyes, whining about...my insignificant problems. AGAIN. So I gave him a noncommittal nod instead, and left him standing there with a concerned look in his eyes.

I made sure to hand my interview tape with Jeff to Carter at his locker. It's a good thing that I recorded it, because I can't honestly tell you ONE thing he said to me yesterday. I don't know why half naked cute boys even bother to talk at all. It's not like I could 'absorb' anything with all that visual candy wiggling right in front of me

Carter took it, and then 'backed away' from me again without saying much. This time, I think it hurt even more than last time. Simply because I was starting to think that he wouldn't forget. What if I fucked things up? What if Carter stops talking to me? Without him, the whole school paper is gonna go to shit. And something about that really REALLY hurt! I think...I think it hurt a lot more than I expected it to.

Funny thing is...I don't think it was the paper that I was gonna miss.

I skipped my lunch period today in order to rendezvous with target number five...my last hope at redemption. I was literally walking around with all of my eggs in one basket now, and I HAD to be careful. One stumble, and the whole thing goes up in smoke.

TARGET #5: Daniel Harries Originally, I had Daniel pegged as my number two target, for the simple fact that he was so 'soft' in his character. Don't get me wrong, he wasn't really effeminate or anything...at least not in a gay way. He was just...soft. Soft skin, soft spoken, soft hazel eyes, soft personality...he was like a really slim teddy bear.

Daniel wandered that really fine line between 'indie rock' boy, 'emo' boy, and 'goth' boy. He seemed to balance himself, quite effortlessly, at the nucleus between all three. And there was something so vulnerable about him that you couldn't help but to fall in love with him the second you took a good look at him. He had this sun touched brown hair that not only hung down to his neck on the back, but always managed to cover his eyes in the front too. How he could walk around school and SEE through that veil of silky brown hair, I'll never know. But it gave him this gentle mystery that was even more alluring to me. And his hair would stop right above those full lush lips of his. Kissably pink, slightly pouty...they were amazing. You could stare at them for hours if given the opportunity. His clothes were always black, red, or some other obscuring color that seemed to hide his body from you at every turn. But you could tell that it was just as soft and 'smooshy' and flexible as the rest of him. One day he wore this really tight white t-shirt, which I remember because it was a rarity, and the way it was clinging to his tight slinky frame was like...the most erotic thing I had ever seen in my life. Well..next to Jeff Patton undressing in front of me. But...you know, with a happier ending.

I had to go outside to find him. He was hanging out across the street from the school, in a small area under a tree where other students went to smoke. Now, normally, I'm not into smokers myself, but something about the way Daniel did it was cute. Just seeing those rosy lips wrapped around ANYTHING was a dream come true for me. So I held my breath a bit, and waded through the other smokers to sit down next to him under a nearby tree. I couldn't tell where my confidence was at that moment. Was I anxious to find out whether or not he'd be interested, or was I scared shitless that he was gonna outright reject me like everybody else? I couldn't tell. All I know is that I had this really jittery feeling in the center of my chest, and it wouldn't go away.

Daniel had his Ipod earphone in, and took them out as I sat down. "Hey, whassup, Kev?" He said quietly. There was something so delicate about his voice that made you squirm inside, you know? You could make out every word, but it was like a gentle breeze blowing in your ear. If he's the one, I can imagine many long hours of cuddling up to that sweet tender body of his for hours on end. I'd never let him go. He'd have to literally fight me off with a stick.

"Hey, Daniel...." I said, afraid to continue with much more. I don't think I was ready for him to say no. I don't even know if I was ready for him to say yes yet.

"Say, man, you got a light on you?" He asked. "I'm out of spark, dude."

"Oh...um...no. Sorry. I don't smoke."

"Ah, that sucks." He said calmly, and looked around for somebody else who had a lighter on them. "Hold on a sec, I'll be right back." He said, and I watched him pull his slender legs up underneath him as he got up to go borrow a light. I watched him for a moment, and sighed as I looked at his sleek profile, wishing I could move up and hug him around the middle...and bury my face in his neck. This had better work. He'd better be gay. Oh please, oh please, oh PLEASE, let him be gay!

He came back to sit down beside me, and I did what I could to strike up a small conversation. I didn't know how to really approach him, as our relationship was pretty much stuck at a level of 'recognizable acquaintance'. But Daniel was mellow and easy going enough to talk about pretty much anything. And that helped a lot. I studied him and his reactions to little hints here and there, but I was too scared to really say anything too obvious. After Mickey's big mouth in the hallway today, I had lost a bit of my nerve. But, luckily, none of my determination. So I kept his attention as best as I could while he leaned back and chatted it up with me for a while. And that's when I found my opening.

"..Yeah, so I don't really make plans or anything, but Scott wants me to check out this party, so I figured I might go. It's no big deal though." He said, still puffing away. Wow...watching him suck the smoke out of a cigarette was like magic.

There's my window. Engage. "So you're gonna go out this weekend? That's...you know, cool."

"Yeah, well...what else have I got to do, you know? My dad's been bugging me to help him clean the gutters on the roof. Dude...I am SO not into that." He said, and I grinned a bit.

"So...are you just going with Scott, or...?" Go ahead, say it. "I mean, are you gonna take your 'girlfriend' or something?" Don't fuck this up for me, Daniel. Please?

"Girlfriend?" He asked with a smirk. "I don't have a girlfriend, dude."

Ok.....wow...um...OK! So this is GOOD! This is really GOOD! "Are you sure? I thought...you know, you'd have girls flocking around you at all times."

"I do, but trust me, I can do without them. Believe me." He said, raising my heart rate to a level that I could hear racing through my ears.

"So..never? I mean, no girls for Daniel?" I asked, hopeful.

"Not in the foreseeable future, man. Not my thing at ALL. Believe me." He smiled.

OMIGOD! I FOUND one!!! He's the one! He's like ME! And to think...I almost chickened out! "Cool." I giggled nervously, a blush rushing up into my cheeks. "Me either."

"Good deal." He smiled.

I hesitated for a moment, but this was something that I definitely wanted to pursue quickly. I just needed to talk to him somewhere a bit more private. "Daniel...do you wanna, maybe...come over or something tomorrow? I mean, just you and me. We could hang out for a while?"

Daniel turned to me, his hazel eyes shining brightly through his soft veil of brown hair, and he said, "Yeah, man. Sounds killer. We could catch up on some stuff."

"Yeah..." I said dreamily. "We could finally...you know...get to know each other better. Maybe talk about...stuff."

"Alright. I'm totally there." He said, and my heart filled to the bursting point as I imagined myself kissing and sucking on the most delicious pair of lips in the whole 10th grade!

And then...somebody else came along and did it for real.

This...girl leaned over Daniel from behind the tree, and gave him a warm greeting as she gave him a warm and loving kiss on the mouth. It was like suddenly being swatted in the face with a fucking tree branch! I mean, what the hell was going on? "Hey baby, you got a cigarette for me?" She asked.

"All you ever need, as long as you kiss me for each one." He replied. And I just sorta sat there with my mouth open, hoping that the pieces of my broken heart didn't accidentally slip out of it.

He handed her a cigarette, and she kissed those beautifully cushioned lips AGAIN before walking over to be with her friends. I felt so.....betrayed! I really DID! What the fuck? "I thought you just said you didn't HAVE a girlfriend?" I said, unable to hide my insult.

"Yo, shhhh..chill out with that shit, man." He said with a smile. "Rosalyn's not my girlfriend. I'm just banging her. Don't go putting all that commitment and attachment shit in her head. It's more fun just getting blown every now and then." He did NOT just say that to me! Then he puts his fist up to pound with me. "We don't love them, hoes, right dude?"

I gave him a very weak pound, feeling my heart collapsing from the inside. "Hoes...right." That was it. My last chance. My only hope for something real. "I've gotta go." I said standing up and brushing myself off.

"So...hey, we still on for tomorrow?"

"Whatever." I didn't even turn around to look at him when I said. I just...left. What's the point of appreciating someone's beauty when it's so obviously out of your reach?

Final Analysis: Sighhhh...Just Forget It.

I opened my notebook, looking a the big scratch outs over the names that came before Daniel's...and as I put my pen down at one end of his name...I hesitated. Because I knew that scratching out this one last name would mean total defeat. It would mean a level of isolation that I wasn't really ready to deal with. And yet, if the school paper taught me anything...it's that the truth is absolute. And trying to mask it doesn't do anything to make it less true. So...with a deep breath, I dragged the tip of my pen back and forth over Daniel's name, and looked at all of my targets in unison. Marc McCaffrey, Ralphie Escott, Jeff Patton, Mickey Slade, Daniel Harries..all failures. Every last one of them.

Which leaves me to come to only one conclusion.

Overall Mission Results: Despite Extensive Research And Attempts At Approach, Current Evidence Confirms.....I Am Alone.... It was like having no soul at all. What motivation is there to even wake up in the morning without the thrilling possibility of love and companionship to look forward to? I have two things in my life that really drive me...the school newspaper, and finding some other cute boy to love and have sex with. And since both of those things are rapidly falling apart before my very eyes...there really isn't a whole lot left to fight for.

I have no idea how I made it through the rest of my school day. I couldn't go past the main hall for fear of running into Mickey again. I couldn't get anything for lunch because I was afraid of running into Ralphie. I was scared to go to gym too early because I was scared to cross paths with Jeff. I had literally painted myself into a corner here, and I wasn't sure how I was going to find a way out. I wasn't even sure if there was a way out. I'm just...behind enemy lines, with no hope of finding a single 'teammate' to help me out. Not one. I could feel the same thoughts repeating in my mind, over and over again. I could feel the emotions spinning themselves into an endless swirl, as my heart got heavy, and my eyes began to wrinkle up as I fought back the tears that were coming so freely. I had to just close my eyes for a moment, and lean back against the lockers, as I attempted to swallow it all down. I didn't want to do this here. I'd rather cry it out at home. Please just let me make it home.

Hearing that final bell was the most relieving sound of the day. I doubt I absorbed anything 'academic' the entire day. So my entire purpose for even being IN school was merely for show. I left my last class, and got my stuff out of my locker. I was almost home free. I can go home...'deal' with this acid eating away at the center of my heart...and hopefully, I can come back with a much better plan than the one I had before. I've waited this long...what's another couple of months, right?

My heart was telling me to go straight home, and not so much as lift my head on the way out the front door...but I didn't. If nothing else, I had an obligation to at least humor Mr. Dunn by showing up for a few minutes and hear what he had to say. Although I doubted that I had much of a mind for the 'school paper' business right now.

I walked to the door of the classroom, and quietly knocked on the frame to get his attention. "You wanted to see me?" I said, hoping to get this over with.

"Kevin...come in. Close the door." He said, and he moved around to lean against the front of his desk as I plopped down in front of him. It was hard to lift my gaze up from the floor. It had gotten so heavy since my final rejection. And when Mr. Dunn didn't say anything for the first few seconds, I thought my hurtful thoughts would swirl up and swallow me whole. "You know..I thought about what you said yesterday. About nobody caring?"

I glanced up, and he had his arms folded, that concerned look in his eyes, and I felt bad for even bringing it up. "I'm sorry about yesterday, Mr. Dunn. It was just...stupid and pointless, and I shouldn't have mentioned it."

"You know...if it bothers you, it's hardly 'stupid and pointless', Kevin. It matters. Everything matters."

"I wish it mattered enough to make things...better." I told him.

Mr. Dunn stood up, and turned another chair backwards to sit in front of me and talk to me eye to eye. "I've had you in two or three of my classes in the last year and a half, and no matter what you're doing...you just seem to attack it with so much passion. A lot of teachers can go through their whole careers, and have maybe three good students with the kind of passion you have. It's a dream for me to see someone with your determination." Then he put a hand on my shoulder to get me to look up from the floor. "But you can't 'force' things to happen by sheer will alone, Kevin. You just have to open your eyes, and your mind, and look through the passion to see what's really there."

I wasn't sure what he meant, but nodded anyway This whole conversation was already causing those bad emotions to bubble to the surface, and I just wanted to make him think that I was 'all better' so I could go home. "I just wanted...." I stopped myself, feeling choked up in the back of my throat, and shrugged my shoulders to let the comment to stand on its own.

"Well, I can't deny...you made a very good point yesterday. You were right. There are a lot of people who see others in misery...and, for whatever reason, don't say anything. I guess I'm just as guilty as anybody else."

I gave him a strange look. "No, Mr. Dunn..I don't blame YOU for what happened with the paper. That was TOTALLY not what I meant, ok?"

"Kevin..." He said with a pause. "...I'm not talking about the paper." And then he turned his hand over, palm facing up...and I saw a small, darkly drawn, letter 'C' on the inside of his wrist! I don't think it registered at first. I kind of examined it for a second, my brain attempting to process what was happening here. And little by little, as layer after layer of doubt was stripped away...something clicked, and my eyes popped WIDE open! "You're not as 'alone' as you think."

"OMIGOD!!! MR. DUNN...YOU REA THE SITE?!?!?!" I shouted, jumping up from my seat! I think it startled the hell out of him, because he jumped too, and to grab onto both of my shoulders to calm me down.

"SHHHHHHH!!!! Kevin...!" He said with a chuckle, and he struggled a bit to get me to sit back down. "Hehehe, ok, I was NOT expecting that...at ALL!"

"I'm sorry! Omigod...I just....wow! So you know about the...the...'thing'....right?"

"The 'C' symbol? Yes...I know about it. But I'm telling you this in the STRICTEST of confidence, do you understand?" He said. "If this gets out, it could affect my job. Do you understand?"

"Totally! I TOTALLY understand!" I said, trying hard not to squirm and pop back up out of my seat. "So...I'm not the only one here that likes boys?"

"Not by far. I guarantee you." He said, and then...something...'uncomfortable' crossed my mind. And I think he saw it in my eyes. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing. Rally..it's....it's nothing." I told him, but he wasn't buying it.

"Come on, tell me."

"Well...I mean, like...you're not gonna.....like...'touch' me, are you?" I trembled when I said it, but I guess it was out there, so...whatever.

His face got serious, and he said, "Why, Kevin? Do you want me to touch you?" And there was a truly disturbing silence between us for a moment...before he suddenly broke out into a hearty laugh. "Hahaha, Kev...I'm just KIDDING you!"

"ARRRGHH!!! Mr. DUNN! Jesus, you SCARED me!" I said, as he leaned forward to laugh even harder.

"I'm..hehehe...I'm sorry. I couldn't help myself!" Then he wiped his eye and sat up straight. "Ahem...sorry. That was really not very professional of me, was it?"

"No!" I said with a fake pout.

"Well, don't worry. It will relieve you to know that I am very happily involved with a partner of my own, and he is every bit as old and decrepit as I am at age 35. So you can shake that sweet little tushy in somebody else's direction. Ok?" It was a comforting thought, and it relaxed me to know that he was just trying to help. "Kevin, listen to me....I grew up in this town too. I went through the same confusion, had the same questions...thinking 'why oh WHY am I the ONLY one?' And...I remember how difficult it was...not having anybody to talk to." He pointed at my hand, and said, "I saw that when you walked into the classroom yesterday. I wasn't sure if I should believe it or not, but...after your little speech yesterday, it wasn't hard to put two and two together. And you were right. I saw you sitting there all alone, feeling like you didn't have a friend in the world...and even though I was right here next to you...I didn't say anything. I felt kinda bad about that."

I lowered my head again. "It just...it hurts, you know? There's nobody else around here like me. Nobody."

"Ohhh, come on now, Kevin. You don't really believe that, do you?" He asked me.

"Well, there's YOU...but even you're taken already." I told him, and he giggled at the comment.

"I used to think the exact same thing. But you know what? It's not true. There are boys who like other boys all over the place. And many of them are right here in this school. Many of them are gonna be really cute, many of them are gonna be really sweet, and if you're lucky...you might just find one that fits you to a tee."

"But how am I supposed to FIND them, Mr. Dunn? Everybody's so scared of being called a queer or a homo that nobody wants to be gay. *I* don't even want to be gay. How am I supposed to find a boyfriend in this place with that working against me?"

He smiled and said, "You just have to stop looking at what you want...and start looking at what you have. Chances are, the boy who is most excited to be a part of your life...is someone you see every single day, and never pay attention to."

"What's that supposed to mean?" I asked, but he just smiled and ruffled my hair a bit.

"You'll figure it out. I've got faith in you." He got up and went back to his desk. "Just know that I used to think the same thing when I was a teenager, and I met my current boyfriend right here in this high school. In the library of all places. Sometimes, if you just look in the right place, you find what you're looking for. And I did." He said. "Listen, anytime you need a friend, anytime you need someone to talk to, somebody who's been through this kind of thing before...you can come to me. Ok? I promise not to turn any more blind eyes to you. If you need me, you got me. My door is always open."

I got up from my chair, and walked behind his desk to give him a big hug around the neck. He patted my arm a bit with a grin, overwhelmed by my emotional embrace, and I tried my best to keep any tears from falling as I held him. "Thank you, Mr. Dunn. You have NO idea how much this means to me."

"Well, let's just say that I wish it was something that someone else had done for me when I was your age. Good kids like you deserve a fair chance." I finally found the strength to let him go and stand straight again, and then backed up a bit, grinning from ear to ear as a single tear dripped from my eye and slid down my cheek. "Just remember...you're not alone. And people do care, even when they pretend not to. Sometimes they just need a swift kick in the pants to show it." I nodded, and I thought about running up to hug him again, but that would have been mushy and weird. So I kept a LITTLE bit of my manhood in tact and headed towards the door.

"OH...and don't worry, I'll be sure to get the rest of the paper's articles and pictures to you first thing tomorrow morning if I can, ok? I promise!"

"No need. It seems that Carter brought over all the paperwork before last period."

I was a bit...taken aback. "He what?"

"He brought me a folder. Completely rewritten articles, edited to perfection, pictures of the can drive, sports events listed...and a rather scathing opinion piece on the school's cafeteria food." He held up a folder, and it was thick with material. "All typed up and ready to go."

"Wow..." I said quietly. "I had no idea."

Mr. Dunn smiled. "It looks like he REALLY wanted to impress you. There's a lot of extra work in here."

"I guess it would be. He is my right hand man, after all." I said.

And Mr Dunn raised an eyebrow. "Is that what he is? Hmmm..."

"What?"

He didn't answer. He just told me, "A reporters research isn't done until he's covered all the bases. Maybe you've got a little bit more research to do." And he went back to grading papers as I stood there...a wrinkled forehead as I tried to get some meaning out of it. No such luck. So I left him to his work, and I went home. Maybe it's one of those things that I'll understand when I get older.

On the way home, I opened up my notebook again, and I searched through all of my research on the boys that I was investigating over the last two days. I studied the reasons that I thought they'd be gay. I studied the evidence that I had to support those theories. I went through the whole history of the things that I knew about each one of them And then...I went back to the page where I scratched out their names...

God...it still hurt my heart to just look at it.

But what was I missing? Five boys, five attempts, five failures. What's the malfunction here?

I was walking up to my front porch, when I saw Carter sitting there on the steps waiting for me. It was a pleasant surprise, considering I was going to call him anyway. "Dude, you are SO kickass for what you did with the paper today! You turned it in a whole day early. I was thinking we were gonna go into major 'crunch time' on this one..."

But Carter seemed extremely nervous at that moment. He stood up quickly when he saw me, and fidgeted in his bag to give me the audio tape I gave him earlier. "Yeah, well...I figured that I could...um...finish if I skipped gym."

"Aww, dude, you didn't have to ditch gym just to..."

"No, it's cool. I don't even like gym anyways. Too much testosterone in that place." He said. I could have sworn that he was trembling. "So...I typed up the...uh...the..."

"The interview with Jeff?" I asked.

"Yes! The...the interview. I double checked everything, so..."

"That's awesome. You're awesome. thanks, Carter."

But he continued to quake in front of me. "Yeah, well...I made sure to edit out the...last part on the tape. You know..when he..uh...well, I didn't put that in there." What the heck was he getting at? I was completely lost until he said, "That Jeff can be a real jerk. I'm sorry. He shouldn't have treated you like that."

Then it hit me! Did I record the conversation where Jeff threatened to beat the shit out of me??? "OH...oh, dude...you know what, that was just some fucked up...random..."

"Yeah! Totally! I know that!" He said, his hands quivering as he fought to hold himself together. "I just wanted to let you know that I uh...took it out...so..."

"Oh. Ok." I said, and Carter looked at me with this....terror in his eyes for a second...and then he jerked forward and kissed me on the cheek!

I thought he was gonna be SICK, the way he was shivering! He shoved his hands in his pockets and stuttered, "So...yeah. The paper stuff is done, and...yeah. Well..."

"Carter...?" I asked, raising a hand to feel the spot on my cheek where he had just...kissed me.

"NO! Don't say anything! Please? Ok? Just...um...I'm gonna go. I've gotta....I've gotta go. I'll see you..later. I guess." Then he nervously asked me, "Is that ok?"

I had never seen a set of eyes so beautiful, a set of lips so sweet. Somehow...this weird visual 'fog' had been instantly lifted from my eyes..and I think I actually noticed Carter for the very first time in my life. I had suddenly found his true heart lying unnoticed in this giant emotional 'blindspot' of mine...and I think Mr. Dunn's comments to me started to make sense. It was...a big absent piece of the puzzle. The black void in my notebook of possible matches. He was...the previously underappreciated 'Boy #6'.

I blushed, unable to speak at all...but I did manage to work up a smile.

Carter saw my grin, and let out a deep breath of his own. He was still shaking, but I assume that it was for a whole new reason. "Well...then..." Carter said, and a sweet rosy blush flooded his cheeks as well. He paused for a second, not knowing what to say...and then he quickly leaned forward again to kiss my other cheek. He watched my eyes for a reaction, and I think he found what he was looking for. "Cool. This is...this is cool."

"Yeah..." I said.

Carter fidgeted some more, his eyes looking down at his almost 'tapdancing' feet, and he said, "So..if I'm reading this right...and I'm NOT saying I am...but if I am...then I think..." He stopped for a moment, almost as if he expected me to finish his sentence. Then he moved forward and kissed me gently on the lips...still testing me for some kind of trick. He continued with, "...I think that we should, like..hang out...more. Like, not like...we've been hanging out. But more like...how boys and...girls hang out. Sorta like...partners. Well, not PARTNERS...but something...sighhhh, nice." He was soooo bashful about it. It was adorable. And feelings that I didn't even know I had rushed to the surface so fast that I couldn't control myself. He saw me standing there...and then he kissed me on the lips again. Finally, he grinned and asked, "Do you care that I'm doing this to you?" I shook my head. "Because I can really stop if you want me to."

I leaned forward to kiss him on the cheek, the same way he had done to me, and even though I was trembling with joy when I did it...I think that the proper message was conveyed. You would have thought that he had just found a winning lottery ticket. His grin spread out in both directions, almost straining his cute face with it's brilliance. "I don't want you to stop." I told him.

"Ummm....ok." He said, his voice cracking a bit. Then he moved forward and kissed me three or four more times until we both started giggling from it. "Hehehe...I'm sorry. I've been...um...waiting. for like...a year." I still found it hard to even look him in the eye, but bit my bottom lip as we both tried to escape the awkwardness of the moment. "Soooo...I'm gonna go. Ok?" And he snatched one more kiss from my lips. "Sorry. Last one. Wait...one more!" And he did it AGAIN! Hehehe, then he forced himself to stop.

"I'll call you later?" I asked him, now trembling myself.

"Ok. Yeah. Call me." He said, then giggled, "Hehehe, um...please call me? Really. I'll be waiting and...it'll drive me crazy if you don't."

"I will. Count on it." I said, and he leaned in to give me a peck on the lips. I did the same, and we traded small boyish smooches until it almost became a little 'game' between us. And then he giggled again before walking off of my front porch. He waved at me three or four different times as he walked away from me, and it took me about five full minutes to realize that I wasn't moving. Hell...it felt like I was FLOATING!!!

These things don't usually have very happy endings in small towns like mine. In fact, I always figured that the odds were greatly against me. But...every once in a while...if you just believe in just a little bit of magic...you get to beat the odds. And you find that familiar sparkle in the eyes of someone that you never thought would share the same feelings In the least likely of places, where the most magic lies, I guess.

I went into the house, lost in a daze, and laid back on my bed to just smile dreamily at the ceiling for a while. Wondering what it would be like to kiss Carter when we're not both...well, scared shitless of one another. Hehehe! And, at some point, I put in the video tape that he gave me yesterday. Just to watch something that he went out of his way to tape for me. Just to have a piece of his 'effort' close to me, you know? And as I watched the interview with Chase Tremier, the cut teen star of the new movie, 'S-K-Y-L-I-G-H-T'...I took a closer look at the screen. And as he sat on the couch, there was a small dark spot on the back of his right hand. I paused the tape to look closer...and sure enough...it was a letter 'C', right there in the open! On TELEVISION! I stared at it for a while, my hand over my lips in shock, and started to laugh uncontrollably to myself. I think that was the moment that I literally went crazy! A teeny bopper magazine cover model boy...wearing the symbol...that's TOO much! TOO much!

I needed my notebook...

REVISED Final Analysis: Due To Unexpected Events Concerning A New Test Subject...This Study Is Officially Coming To A Close. My Findings Prove The Existence Of Other Subjects Like Me. CUTE Ones, Too! And I Plan To Be Doing MUCH More Research With Him Over The Next Few Weeks! MUCH! And HARD! And OFTEN! Hehehe! I Am Not Alone. I Was 'Never' Alone.

Case closed. Mission accomplished.

Wait until Mr. Dunn hears about THIS one! Hehehe!