Jessie-101: Online Celebrity - 8. Chapter 8 - Past Life Regression

It all began with a pleasurable ache, and it rolled back and forth inside of my stomach like an angry snake, trying desperately to get loose from its confines. Thinking about Jesse at that lunch table...those deep Summer sky blue eyes staring back at me with one of the most adorable smiles that the angels ever created...it made me jiggle and shimmy in my seat with this bubbly and cheerful vibration that fizzed up inside of me like the contents of a freshly shaken soda. I couldn't sit still for more than 30 seconds at a time before more tingles spread out from the center of my heart and sent me into another epileptic fit of whimpering and wiggling. I kept smiling until my cheeks were sore and weak from the muscular exhaustion...but that didn't stop more determined grins from spreading across my face every time Jesse's unnatural beauty crossed my love stricken mind. The only way to relieve some of the pressure inside was to actually giggle out loud. And that was a really weird thing to keep doing in the back of Michelle's car. Lori kept looking at me like I was crazy, but I couldn't STOP! I never thought that there was such a thing as feeling 'TOO good'...but this sensation was something that felt like it was literally going to rip me to PIECES if I didn't get a hold on it soon and anchor myself back down to something a little less...overpowering.

By the time Lori dropped me off in front of my house that afternoon, I couldn't even tell whether or not my feet were even touching the ground anymore. Geez...I don't know WHAT I would have done if I had gotten an actual *KISS* from him or something! I might have exploded right there in the food court.

Lori gave me a tight hug around the neck before letting me go in the house. And when she let me go, her eyes looked all watery and sweet...which naturally caused this emotional rush of extreme joy to literally CONSUME me from head to toe. And before I could even catch it, a stray tear fell from my eye and my short breaths caused my bottom lip to quiver slightly. PSYCHO! "What the hell is WRONG with me?" I said, sucking it up already.

"You're HAPPY." Lori answered. "You're ALLOWED to be happy, you know?"

I sniffled. "Yeah...well, quit it before you make an even bigger sissy out of me right here in the middle of the street." Lori leaned in and kissed me hard on the cheek.

"MWAH! I LOVE the sissy in you. And I always will. Hehehe!" Then she wiped her eyes and got back in the car as I blushed and gave her a short wave goodbye. I met him. I can't believe that I really met him. Omigod...this might actually be one of the best days of my whole life. Who peaks emotionally at 15?

The rest of my night was a bit of a challenge. With me trying not to smile, and my mom seeing something 'odd' about me at the dinner table. To be totally honest, I wish I could, like...tell somebody. Everybody. I wish I could run out into the street and shout it out loud enough to scare away every bird and squirrel within a ten block radius. But there wasn't a 'safe' way to do it. I couldn't say anything without a short series of follow up questions that would get me busted right away. Besides...my mom's usual suspicions must have been messing with her head before I even sat down at the table. Because while I was eating her spaghetti and meatballs, she launched a really random attack as a part of her ongoing 'investigation' of me.

"So I was at the pharmacy today. I was picking up my prescriptions, and they had some really interesting material to read while I waited for my order." She said, attempting for this to seem like a 'casual' conversation. But it wasn't though. It was an unspoken vibe that entered the room at that particular moment...and I just kept my eyes focused on the food in my plate so as to ignore the hidden prying into my life and teenage activities. Please Mom...not now. Just....not right now! Ugh!

"Oh yeah?"I said, trying to answer her without provoking her to go any further.

"Yes. Very interesting information. Especially for boys your age. I brought some pamphlets home. Just in case...you were interested too. You should take a look." Sighhh...great. Here we go. I tried to eat what was left on my place as fast as I possibly could so that I could be excused before the pamphlets came out. But to no avail. She actually pulled them out of nowhere and put them on the dinner table between us. I didn't bother to look up. I refused. "Tristan, honey...?"

"Yeah. Ok. I'll take them in my room and I'll look at them a bit later." I said quickly, hoping that she'd just...get scared and drop it completely from our conversation. I should have known that such an evasive tactic would never work on MY mom. She's not the type to just let things go for the sake of keeping the peace.

"Sure." She said...only waiting a few seconds before getting restless and continuing with, "I just thought some of this stuff was kinda fascinating, you know? I mean...just look at some of this stuff..." She picked up the pamphlets again, and I squirmed uncomfortably as I nearly began to CHOKE on my spaghetti from trying to get it down so fast. Sauce on my chin, noodles being stuffed into my mouth. Ugh! Dammit! That plate was ENDLESS! "Did you know that 3 out of 4 teenagers have reported to have consumed large amounts of alcohol before the end of high school? 41% of them have even admitted to have had alcohol before the 8th grade."

"Gee, Mom...didn't know that. Weird." I said quickly, now using a glass of water to help digest a bit more rapidly. Almost there. A few more mouthfuls. Gotta go, gotta go...I know where this is going.

"It also says that 50% of teens have tried an illegal drug by the time they graduate. There's a lot of really good information in here. It talks about eating disorders, violence, depression..." Then she added, "....Sexual activity." There was a pause, where I looked up from my plate, and she looked back at me. The tension got so thick, so fast, that I could have sworn that a blinding fog had suddenly rolled between us like some kind of Stephen King horror flick. My eyes quickly darted back down to my last few bites...a nervous jitter rumbling around in my chest as my blood ran cold. My mom, a bit nervous herself from the sound of it, kept talking. "And it's not just the usual disease rants and protection either, Tristan. They have stuff in here about...all kinds of different sexualities."

Arrrgh! "Mom..."

"Look at this one, for example..." She said, cutting me off. I HATE this 'build roads of communication with your teen' shit! "...It says that 80% of adolescents had NOT told their parents about their same sex attraction by the time they graduated. Can you imagine? 80%...that's a lot. You know, I think these kids need to know that there's NOTHING wrong with a same sex attraction. It's upsetting to think that they can't...'talk' to someone. Someone who might understand a lot better than they think they would." At this point, I was like...screw the rest of dinner, I'm DONE with this. It felt like an outright attack. An invasion of privacy that rivaled her physically digging through my clothes and dresser drawers, or searching my internet history for porn. And that just made me...ANGRY. What was it? What makes her suspect me of being gay? Just because my best friends are both girls? Just because I'm not some macho boy with testosterone driven goals of kicking ass and playing sports and trying to light my farts on fire? Because I don't have some kissy-faced girlfriend following me around everywhere I go? Why is she DOING this??? "What do you think, Tristan? Maybe we could read through some of this stuff together. You know...if you had anything that you wanted to...'talk' about." I put my fork down in my plate, and stood up from the table.

"Real subtle, Mom. Thanks." I said.

"What? What did I say?"

"You know what you're saying, Mom. Come on."

"Tristan....honey, I just want you to TALK to me."

"I'm *NOT* gay! Alright? Jesus!" I said, and left to go to my room. Yeah...it was a lie. I know. But I defended it as though my life depended on it. I mean...sighhh...I KNOW that she's trying to be Super-Mom and let me know that I'm allowed to be gay if I want to be. But...that's NOT a part of my life that I want my mom involved in. I don't WANT her to 'understand' and hug me and tell me to be safe and get this...weird and creepy access to my SEX LIFE! She's my MOM! Ewww....I want to be normal in her eyes. I want to be her little boy, and for her to be my mom, and just leave it at that. I don't wanna have awkward talks with my mother about stuff like me drooling over cute boys and wanting to have them fuck me hard while passionately kissing me on the mouth. That's just too unnatural and psychotic to even THINK about! The kinda stuff Norman Bates would masturbate to. I HATE having her so suspicious of my sexuality all the time. I HATE feeling that pressure inside every time a cute boy walks by us. Like...she could be driving me somewhere, and a hottie will be on the side of the street, and I'm scared that she's gonna see me turn my head to look at him. And I wanna look soooo bad, if only for a quick rush of infatuation...but I CAN'T because she's sitting right there, raiding my thoughts twenty four hours a day to see if I 'slip up' somewhere. I might as well be a full fledged criminal. I just....I *HATE* BEING INVESTIGATED!!! Sometimes I just wish the whole world would leave me the fuck alone and mind its own business. I can do it for them...why can't everybody else do it for me? There are certain parts of my life where they just don't belong.

That totally wrecked an almost perfect day.

My only way of getting around more questions was to avoid any and all contact with her for the rest of the night.I'm not blind to the concept of my mom being...intentionally sweet and supportive. And I KNOW that I was a brat for outright denying it...'again'...but distance was best thing for me that night. If I'm not ready for any big 'Brady Bunch' moments yet. Supportive parent, or not. I just wish she wouldn't push so hard. It's not cool. Besides...I doubt that I even have the words to tell her yet. And I'm keeping it that way for as long as I can. Don't ask me why. That's just...the way it is...or whatever.

My bedroom door became like this invisible shield that tried valiantly to protect me from the most knowledgeable set of prying eyes that I had ever known. Pretty lame camouflage. I mean, she does own the house and everything in it. Me included. It's not like she couldn't confront me whenever she wanted to. But it worked. And she 'allowed' me to withdraw from the world in peace.

How long until this 'pamphlet' thing blows over? Who knows? But as soon as I get a chance, I'm gonna take them off the table...and hide them as deeply at the bottom of the trash as I possibly can. *NO* more sexuality questions! No more statistics or helpful tips! Parents and teenagers are mortal enemies. We're not SUPPOSED to be 'buddies'. Lines are drawn in the sand to keep us apart for a reason. I don't know what that reason is, exactly, but...no more pamphlets. No more gay friendly discussions. At least not for now. Someday. Way WAAAAY later. I'm talking...like...'death bed' later. But not now. To say that having her know I'm gay for sure instead of just guessing would be 'uncomfortable' for the both of us...would be the understatement of the decade.

You wanna know something? Something really strange happened right before I started getting ready for bed that night. I mean...I got online, and went to 'Jesse-101's' YouTube page...and I knew that there wasn't gonna be anything NEW there, but I just stayed to watch the old videos over and over again. And not just from beginning to end like normal people would. But just, like...certain parts of each video. Just because I thought the way he said certain words was cute. Or because he made some kind of funny gesture, or had a cute flip of his blond hair, or because his sexy voice cracked a little bit when he said something funny. Sometimes I'd just watch a particular five seconds of a video repeatedly because...sighhhh, I don't know...he said something that really struck a chord with me. Sometimes I'd just watch a section where his crystal blue eyes were close enough to the camera to really display how utterly mesmerizing they were. Over and over again. Something about him, about his beauty mixed with a sense of humor and a personality that I totally fell in love with...it all mixed itself into this intoxicating blend of infatuation, admiration, lust, and idol worship, that spoke directly to my heart in a language that I was desperately trying to decipher and understand as quickly as humanly possible. Because I can't figure this feeling out at all, and it's driving me crazy. Just seeing him smile on a computer screen could sometimes hit me so hard that I literally got a chemical rush from it. A physical swoon that would make my desk chair squeaky as I attempted to keep from melting right out of it and onto the floor. The feeling wouldn't let me go to sleep. Something about him stuck with me. It excited me in ways that nobody else ever could. And it....it made me feel as though my love for him had meaning. Finally giving it a face and a name and a focused direction that would guide it to the blissful place that it needed to be for me to be happy. God...Jesse did SO much for my soul. SO much! I'm so hopelessly obsessed. This isn't like me at all.

But...the strange part happened when I finally pulled myself away from my computer and lay back in bed. I don't know...I was just kinda looking up at the ceiling, and I mentally replayed the whole run-in with Jesse and Artie at the mall from the very beginning to the very end. And, let me tell you...that weird revision process is one of the worst things that a gay teen to do himself where being around cute boys is concerned.

It's like this total deconstruction of the whole event. An unraveling of thoughts, doubts, and fears, that threatens to completely rip apart, what was originally, a pleasant memory. Now you've begun the process of nitpicking at every spoken word, every awkward glance, every accidental fidget and unexplained giggle that you made at that table. Suddenly, all you can see were mistakes. Unforgivable mistakes that you can't take back now. And once the odd questions start...it's almost like you can't see what the heck you were supposedly so happy about in the first place. I mean, it began to feel more and more like I ruined my one and only chance to really talk to Jesse while I was there. Did I smile too much? Did I smile too little? Was I too obvious? Did I eat some of his nachos? I don't even remember! Was Artie trying to set us up, or was he making fun of me? Maybe they were BOTH making fun of me. Maybe he dismissed me the second that I mentioned his YouTube account. His face changed. I definitely remember his face changing. Maybe he thought I was cute, but when I sat down at the table and started blabbing away about stupid stuff...he totally changed his mind. I was a dork. A TOTAL dork. I mean...he didn't really talk all that much. He was grinning a lot and stuff though, right? And he blushed a few times. He LIKED me! Or...at least I THINK he liked me. Or was he just being...you know...nice? I mentioned his scar didn't I? STUPID!!! Way to go, Tristan! Bring up one of the worst memories of his life, being outed to everyone he knew by somebody he had a crush on. Ahhh!!! I didn't even THINK about that part! Did anybody else from my school see me sitting down to eat lunch with 'Jesse-101'? I mean, that pretty much makes me gay by association, doesn't it??? Oh wait...if they're watching 'Jesse-101' on YouTube...then that makes THEM gay by association too, right? But what if they're gay, and now they know I'm gay, and they see me at school tomorrow and shout it out down the hall or something? I came home too happy today, that's what it was. That's why my mom thinks I'm gay. Can I even control the way I look when I think about him? Arrrgh...who knows? My head hurts!

Two hours. I had to sit through that annoying 'thought circus' of mine for two whole hours...staring blankly at my ceiling in the dark while I tried desperately to go to sleep. Why am I regressing here? Everything was FINE twelve hours ago. It was GREAT, in fact. How did I go from being so happy that I wanted to explode, to feeling like some pathetic loser that Jesse probably feels like he wasted a whole Saturday afternoon on? I'm just...I'm torturing myself. I've gotta stop. Sleep. Sleep, damn you....

I would have needed a scientific calculator to add up the number of sheep that I had to count before finally losing consciousness. Luckily, my mom kept quiet about the pamphlets and didn't bring them up again. But...now she seemed like she was avoiding me for parts of the weekend too. And that just...made me feel even worse. It really did. I dunno...maybe it's a trick. You know, to get me to confess, like in a Salem witch trial.

As if I needed MORE to be self conscious about right now....

When it came time for me to go back to school on Monday morning, I had twisted my mind around that one 25 minute luncheon with Jesse into such a unbelievably tangled knot that it hurt for me to think about it at all. My head knows I'm being silly, but my heart is still too scared to make that leap of faith. Thank God Lori was especially talkative. I seriously needed the distraction.

"Are you still wiggling and squirming and ready to burst into tears?" She said, in a slightly bubbly tone.

"Yes...but now it's for completely different reasons." I told her.

"What? What the hell happened?"

"Sighhh...my mom's playing detective again. I swear, deep down, I think she WANTS me to be that way."

"You ARE that way."

"Not to her, I'm not, and I'm not gonna be either." I said. Lori rolled her eyes the second I said it, and I turned to open my locker as I tried to avoid her stare.

"Tristan..."

"DON'T say it, ok? I know what you're thinking, and just..I don't want to talk about it."

"C'mon...would it really be all that bad if she knew?" She said, but I ignored her. "Do you really think she doesn't know? I mean, let's be honest...the woman used to change your diapers for crying out loud. I think she can sense when you have a hard on for another boy."

"Ok...you can *STOP* now!" I said, gritting my teeth and reminding her to keep her voice down. "God, can't we just...talk about something else?"

Lori glared at me for a second, and she said, "I got my period yesterday."

"AUGHHH!!! What the...?" I cringed, practically getting a bad taste in my mouth from the image. "Jesus, Lori! That's disgusting! And you girls wonder why boys turn gay."

"You're the one who wanted to change the subject!" She said, and after a pause she giggled, prompting a slight giggle of my own.

"Ok, well...we are definitely striking that particular subject from the list of topics of conversation. Like...from now until forever. Hehehe..." We shared a laugh together, and I have to admit, it helped to make me feel a little bit better. Lori knew how to keep my insecurities from eating me alive like an army of hungry termites.

And then...

Jason Fixx....

"Tristan? Hey...dude, do you mind if we talk for a minute?"

...The laughter stops.

"Uhh...I..." It was like having the devil himself just 'appear' in a giant cloud of sulphur and smoke, with a big fiery pentagram drawn on the floor. And you want to know something else? He still looked hot. Hot enough to melt my scrawny defenses down to almost nothing, anyway.

Lori, was usually my only antidote for that boy's charms. And it's not even CHARM really, he just...he knows how to pluck the right emotional strings to get me to sing the song of his choice. She was standing right there between us like an angry pit-bull. But....mmm, God, he even smelled good today.

Lori sneered. "ACTUALLY, Jason...Tristan and *I* were talking just fine without you. So maybe you could go find yourself a pair of scissors to run with."

"Huh...wha...?" He asked, not even really knowing who Lori was really. I guess it would be kind of hard for him to know who my best friend in the world is when he spent most of his days trying to keep me from even acknowledging him in the hallways.

"Duh...are you not reading me? Too complex a hint for you? Because I could simplify things by sticking to four letter words, if you want." She said, and I silently widened my eyes to get her to behave. I don't ever want Jason to know that she knows. He'd kill BOTH of us if it meant keeping quiet. So she tried to hold back a bit, and said, "C'mon, Tristan. Let's go. The room smells a little better over there."

Jason frowned up a bit, but hardly paid her any attention at all. "Tristan? Just for a few minutes?" He asked. "Please?" I was looking back and forth between Jason and Lori...and the LAST thing I needed was someone taking another shot at my self esteem...which Jason had a special talent for. But....but...."C'mon, dude. It'll just take a second. It's 'guy' stuff." Sighhh....guy stuff. I know what that means.

I could see the expression on Lori's face changing from one of defiant confidence to one of near shock as my will began to crumble right in front of him. I could practically see steam coming out of her ears, and she was getting ready to grab me by the wrist and drag me away from Jason by force. But I acted too quickly for her to stop me. "Ok...but JUST for a second."

"TRISTAN!!!" Lori said, and I just took a hold of Jason's arm to turn him around and start walking before she jumped us both in the hallway. I heard Lori yell out behind us, "He's not a *PET*, ya know? Some people like to be treated nicely ALL THE TIME! Not just when you 'need' something!"

"What'd she say?" Jason asked as I continued to yank him further away from her at a hurried pace.

"Nothing. Ignore her."

"What's her problem?"

"Trust me...you don't want to know." I said, and we both turned the corner so we could talk. "Ok. What is it? What's up?"

"Wait...um...not here." He said, looking around for a second or two. "Here. Follow me."

Jason briskly walked towards the side door, and I rushed right out behind him. Why? Why am I still so emotionally 'tethered' to Jason Fixx when I really should be cursing the day he was born? What part of my being is still yearning for his affection? I wish I knew, so I could switch it off and get back to being one hundred percent me again. Living a life totally void of his bullshit presence.

For a moment...he touched my hand. It was more to make sure that I was moving fast enough so we wouldn't be seen...but for some reason, I got a slight jolt from it regardless. How long had it been? A month? No...longer than a month, I'm sure. At least a month and a half, if not two, since we were supposedly 'together'. I spent a lot of that time feeling like shit for not being good enough to be more to him than a place to deposit his fluids when he got the urge. And yet...somewhere in me...I was almost aching for him to do it again. Just because I was horny enough where being 'used' might feel REALLY good right now. Certainly better than sticking up for my morals and self respect and getting nothing but...my morals and self respect.

Lori's right. I AM a 'pet', aren't I?

He took me outside, and there were these three big school dumpsters right next to us where the cafeteria dumped all of its garbage. I guess that pretty much insures our privacy, huh?

He looked around to make sure the coast was clear. His thorough inspection made me even more uncomfortable than before. Feeling like such a disgusting 'tarnish' on his sweet golden boy image by even standing within whispering range of those seductively sweet lips of his. Finally, I tried to muster up a bit of backbone and said, "C'mon, Jason. I've gotta get to class. What do you want?" I hope that sounded mean. I wanted it to sound mean. I wish my voice was a bit...'meaner'.

Jason walked forward a bit, and he reached for my hand again. This time...with a bit of a soft touch. Despite the thrill, I pulled away from him. He grunted a bit, but then tilted his smirk in just the right way so as to deflect all of my common sense and gain access to my emotions, trouble free. "C'mon, Tristan. What are you doing?" He said in a soft voice. I swear, those bright, brown, bedroom eyes of his could really take hold of you sometimes. The wind was blowing his chestnut strands of hair in just the right way, and he lowered his voice to that certain pitch that I remembered oh so clearly. The kind of pitch he would usually use when he was unzipping his pants, his hand slowly sliding up to my shoulder...then to my neck...then rubbing me softly on the back of my head, his fingertips in my hair...adding the slightest increase in pressure until he got what he wanted from me.

Sighhhh....he always got what he wanted.

"You know what? I shouldn't have done this. I've gotta go." I told him, but he took a hold of my wrist.

"Wait, wait, wait! Where are you going? Come here. I've missed you."

Just block him out, Tristan. First love, be damned. This is something I need to be far FAR away from. "No, Jason...you haven't."

"What are you talking about? I've been thinking about you all the time I mean, come on, how long are we gonna do this? Huh?" His sweet talking could be soooo inviting sometimes. Honestly.

"I told you...I can't just be your 5-minute weekend fling. I'm not looking for that."

"Weekend fling? What are you...? You're being ridiculous. Besides, that was forever ago." He kept reaching out to touch me somehow, and I kept stepping back. Making sure that his alluring contact didn't throw my better judgement all out of whack. "Tristan, hehehe! JESUS, I'm not gonna bite you."

"It would hurt a lot less than some of the other things you've done to me."

"Wow...now that's just cruel. You're hitting below the belt."

I said, "It's the only part of you that seems to appreciate me."

Jason gave me a bit of a pouty look. "You know, this isn't getting us anywhere."

"You're right. It's not. Later." I started to go back in the door, but he moved in front of me.

"Whoah whoah...hold on, k?"

"Get out of my way, Jason."

"Just...can you STOP being so freakin' hostile for 5 minutes?"

"What do you want?"

"I want..." He paused to look for the right words, and I directed my eyes down at his shoes to keep from looking at anything attractive about him. Big mistake. His shoes were cute too. And...'big'. "...Look, Tristan, my mom is doing some kind of weird fundraiser thing this weekend, and my dad is taking her. You know what that means? That means that I've got the house all to myself. For at least a day." He was smiling, looking down to try to look me in the eye. "Did you hear what I said? The house, Tristan. No long drives, no parking behind shopping malls, or park bathrooms...it can be awesome. Just you and me."

I tried to remember how much it hurt. I tried to keep from looking at his face completely. "I'm going to class now." I said, but it came out with a sad little whimper.

"Tristan, hehehe...this is a prime opportunity. Don't be stubborn. I told you, I've been missing you for a while now. I really have."

"You don't even wanna be seen with me..."

"I CAN'T be seen with you! We already went over this when we..." He rolled his eyes. "Ugh! Look, let's just put all of that garbage behind us and spend some time together. Ok? Work things out?"

The sound of his voice, the soft touch of his fingers as he lightly reached out to briefly trace them along my bare forearm. I felt a tremble inside of me. A quivering need that raised my body temperature. Something about the smell of those dumpsters made me remember what it was like to taste him. It made me remember how it felt to suck hard on that firm rod of meat, feeling it throb and swell between my young lips. I thought about the way his thighs would tense when I made first contact. How his stomach would tighten and show off his abs whenever I swirled my tongue passionately around his sensitive ridge. I can practically remember the feel of every silken hair that my fingertips encountered as I softly cradled his wrinkled sack, trying to take him in as deeply as humanly possible. Jason always tried to hold back his moans...as if giving into the sensation completely would somehow destroy a part of his masculinity. But I enjoyed breaking him down each and every time. By the time he was ready to reach orgasm, I had him squirming like a little boy. Pushing my head down, gasping, twisting...almost unable to get the juices up the deliciously long stem, and released in to the wet velvet vacuum of my milking lips. I miss the taste of his explosion. I miss feeling it splash hard against the roof of my mouth, while my tongue slithered all over the sensitive head until he begged me to stop. He once told me that I nearly sucked him unconscious. I took a lot of pride in that. He was not only the first sexual relationship that I've ever had....he was the only sexual relationship that I've ever had. And I made sure to savor every hot drooling moment of it while I had the chance.

But...even though that makes for a nice jack off fantasy, it doesn't make for a hell of a lot more.

"We don't have anything to work out, Jason. Seriously. Just do yourself a favor and leave me alone. You wanted me to be invisible...and now I am." I told him. I can't believe I just said that. I'd suck him hard right HERE if he asked me one too many times.

"Are you serious? I mean, really? Because I'm not kidding here." Jason said. "I know you want it. I know you do. C'mon. I want it too. And we'll have time. We can spend the whole DAY naked if you want..."

"No." Hold your ground you wuss. Come on, he's not THAT hot.

"...You know...I can get somebody else. I can. But I don't want anybody else. I want you. I need you. I don't wanna play this game any more. Come on, I miss you. I'm totally waving the white flag here."

"Get somebody else? Heh..." I scoffed. Peek-a-boo...there he is. That's the Jason I remember. "...You know what, why don't you go find your 'somebody else' and have a ball. I'm outta here."

"Don't be such a loser, Tristan, c'mon!" He shouted after me.

"Fuck off!" Yeah, I was angry. I was hurt. But I was also so rock hard that I could hardly WALK straight. Thank God for big backpacks. I could knock the cup of coffee out of a teacher's hands with this thing.

Maybe I was still REALLY attracted to Jason, or maybe I'm in SUCH desperate need for attention that I'd allow just about anybody use me..just so long a it felt like some form of real affection from another boy. Then again, maybe all of this 'Jesse-101' hype has got me horny enough to fuck a sheep, and Jason's the only one making the offers here. Whatever it was, I just wanted to dodge as many heartbreaking situations as humanly possible. I'm hoping cupid's arrow will hit its mark...but it's kinda hard when I have to dodge bullets at the same time.

I need time to think. Just...some time to think.