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- 08/06/2014
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Note: While authors are asked to place warnings on their stories for some moderated content, everyone has different thresholds, and it is your responsibility as a reader to avoid stories or stop reading if something bothers you.
Direct Confusion - 25. Chapter 25
“What the hell Erie?” Jameson exits Derrick’s Merc very slightly before my friend has actually finished parking it. “I woke up and you’d already taken the damn truck! I had to ring Der to come and get me.”
“You could’ve taken the bus.” Erin smiles tightly.
“The bus? I haven’t taken the bus since middle school Erin, I’m not gonna start now.” Jameson smacks his twin’s shoulder without force. “When the hell did you get up anyway?”
“Hey Luke.” Derrick scowls at Jameson as he helps Cherrie out of the car. “I swear Erin; your brother is the worst back seat driver ever.” He jerks a thumb over his shoulder at the Parker twins. “He’s even worse than my mom. You OK man?”
“Yeah…” I take two steps away from the car and then shake my head. “No. We gotta talk.”
“You and Erin have a fight or somethin’?” Derrick sounds concerned, and he glances back at where Erin is sitting with his knees against his chest. He still looks miserable. “Dude, what did you do?”
In a strange way, I love that my best friend instantly jumps to the defence of his teammate and my boyfriend: because imagining Erin could have done something wrong is impossible.
“No, we’re not fighting. Jim sorta walked in on us this morning and it got really nasty, really fast.”
“Explain?” Derrick frowns, brows low over his eyes. I recount this morning’s incident as quickly as possible, keeping my voice low. Erin seems to be explaining things along a similar line to his brother, because Jameson and Derrick’s expletives arrive in unison.
“Fuck!”
The four of us exchange a worried, angry, and desperate glance.
“Jim said that?” Derrick snarls.
“I’m gonna kill him.” Jameson’s defensive anger is palpable.
“That is not on.” Cherrie looks appalled. “I can’t believe Jim would say something like that. Oh I so hope he’ll be happy going stag at Homecoming.”
“Babe?”
“He asked Rowena Daniels. You know her older brother is gay? He graduated like the year we arrived. Went off to college to make movies.” Cherrie crossed her arms over her breasts. “There’s no way she’ll be going with him now.”
“Cherrie, hold up…” I hate to defend my friend, but I so desperately want to give Jim a second chance. I’ve known the guy too long to simply wash my hands of him.
Erin is a calmer and slightly happier version of himself when the bell finally sounds and we walk into school. The reassuring presence of other teammates helps, the fact we have just spent half an hour sitting on the cars with our friends, hands in each other’s pockets is also beneficial, and he doesn’t look so much like he might be about to cry.
I walk him to homeroom and then head down the corridor to my own class when Jameson yanks me sideways into a little dead end by an office.
“What the hell happened?”
“Jame! We have class to go to.”
“This is more important.” Jameson hisses. “He says the two of you were mucking about in the pool?”
“Well kinda in the showers…” I blush. Recounting my sexual exploits for my boyfriend’s twin is not something I ever imagined doing. “We hadn’t got quite to being naked when Jim walked in.”
“Jees! You two are insane. Why the hell didn’t you just sneak into ours early?”
“Jame! I don’t want you, or worse, your parents, hearing us or walking in. How do you think Erin’s gonna feel if his parents have a ‘chat’ with him about having sex in the house?”
“A damn sight better than he feels now!” Jameson snaps. He fists one hand in the front of my shirt, and for half a heartbeat I’m scared that the skinny cheerleader might actually hit me. “You don’t know what it was like for him before. He was friends with people who said that kind of thing, to me or to others, and who got away with it. He had to act supportive, and there were still those who suspected, ribbed him for having me as his brother and tried to make him as uncomfortable as they could.” Jameson pauses. “You’d better get an apology out of Jim.”
“I will.” My faith in my abilities to achieve this is not strong. “We have a swim meet tonight, I will. I promise.”
The dark cloud of what Jim said to us hangs over me for the rest of the day. By the time I get to English Derrick is waiting for me, but Jim gives me one glance and turns his desk in the other direction. For the first time, the three of us do not sit and discuss the classwork or the upcoming swim meet, and it feels wrong to spend the lesson staring at his back. Jim disappears on us at lunch, and the afternoon isn’t much better. I pass by the study hall on the way out to the pool and Jameson gives me a hard look. I still have to get an apology out of Jim and as I get closer and closer to the locker rooms that seems less and less likely to happen.
“Hey guys.” I dump by bag onto the bench next to my gym locker and start pulling out a pair of clean towels and my green and yellow competition speedo. “We still have like an hour for practice right?”
“Er, yeah…” Matt glances at me sideways, and then wraps his towel around his hips in a deliberate gesture. I look behind him to where Jim is standing, arms crossed, dressed in his team sweats.
“We have to talk.”
He glares at me.
“I have nothing to say to you Luke. I just don’t think you should be here.”
“What now?”
Matt slips out from between us and the rest of the swim team stop what they’re doing to watch. Jim’s anger is already palpable, and I wouldn’t want to be standing in the way of either of us right now.
“You should not be here. It’s inappropriate.”
“Jim, I’ve been getting changed in this locker room for the last three years. Just like you.” I yank my t-shirt and varsity jacket off all in one movement. “Coach can’t keep me out, you certainly can’t.”
“Get dressed!” Jim snarls, stepping towards me. He grabs for my discarded clothes and pushes them against my chest. “You’re not welcome here!”
“Oh, fuck you Bryan! I’ve had enough of your attitude. We have a meet in an hour and we all need to warm up and train.”
“Not you.”
“And how are you going to win the four man relay without me?” I throw my jacket and shirt back at my former friend. “Get over yourself Jim! It’s not like I’m looking at you in the showers.”
“We do not want to swim with a faggot.” Jim snaps. “You only joined the team to check out guys.”
“Oh, that’s so fucking original!” I growl, my fists clenching at my sides. “You have any idea how fucking repressed you sound right now? In case you forgot I actually have a boyfriend.”
Jim folds his arms and smirks.
“Like that would stop you. You went from Jeremy to Erin in like what, a day?” Jim seems unaccountably proud of himself. “You gay guys are all the same, just cruising around and trying to score. Doesn’t matter who with.”
“Fuck you!” At Jim’s insinuation, I finally lose control of my temper. I hit harder than him, and he knows it, and even my rational brain agrees that goading a guy like me for this long was a fucking stupid move on his part. I pull back my fist and the single jab lands true and hard right between his eyes and bridge of his nose. There is a crunch of cartilage under pressure, and Jim falls back with a shout. “Once upon a time we were friends Jim.” I spit at him, on the tile floor at my feet. “And then you turned out to be a total asshole.” I grab my jacket and my bag. “Good luck guys, you’ll need it.”
As I turn to exit the locker rooms I can hear the guys begin to panic. Only Matt’s tone sounds disbelieving when he says:
“Dude, why did you that?”
I throw my clothes and bags to the floor and spend sixty seconds trying to resist the urge to pound the white washed brick wall into oblivion before looking up find Heather and half the cheerleading squad in their little shorts and singlet practice outfits, staring at me.
“Why is it that you always end up shirtless in the corridor looking so damn fine Luke?” One of Heather’s closer comrades sighs. “Your boyfriend is so lucky.”
“Thanks.” I am still leaning with my forearms against the wall, trying not to look as though I really want to punch it. My knuckles hurt where I hit Jim. It turns out his skull is harder than I thought. “Have fun at practice.”
“MCBRIDE!” Coach appears through the locker room swing door, his face the approximate colour of my favourite pair of speedos. “What the heck have you done boy?”
“Nothing that wasn’t required coach.” I turn to face him, still shirtless, and I’m glad the cheerleaders are here, because if they weren’t, the temptation to deck him would be enormous.
“You damn near broke Jim Bryan’s nose!”
“He was trying to force me to leave the locker rooms for being gay.” I blink. “It was his parents who made the complaint wasn’t it?” I almost wish I had hair again, just so I could pull it out in frustration. “Why the fuck does anyone care? When have I ever been a threat to any guy, regardless of his sexuality?”
“You’re out of control McBride. I can’t have you intimidating my boys.”
“Well isn’t that handy for you?” I thrust my letterman jacket against his chest. “I’m out. This isn’t worth it.”
“McBride!” I walk away, hoisting my school bag over my bare shoulder. “MCBRIDE!” But there’s no point in turning around to answer him. Anything I might say will fall on deaf ears.
It’s still early, school isn’t over yet, so there is no one to interrupt me as I walk through the parking lot, slide into my car and pull out of the school. I take back roads and lanes, and when my cell phone rings after about an hour I throw it into the backseat and keep driving.
In my brain, the situation in the locker room goes around and around, differing every time. I could have backed down, walked out. I could have told Jim to piss off, gotten changed and warmed up all the same. Maybe Matt might have come around in my defence. Jim had obviously been winding them up about me, because no one has ever been anything other than friendly before. I could have dealt with it without hitting one of my oldest friends, but equally, I could have gone on hitting him for a lot longer. Momentarily I wonder what the hell is wrong with me, because I never used to be this angry. Luckily I don’t have to worry about Jim trying to press for assault, because he’ll never actually admit to being less strong than me, or being beaten up by a gay guy. And his nose isn’t broken; he’ll just have some pretty serious bruising tomorrow.
Eventually I figure I’ve driven for long enough, loop around the outside of town and head home. Erin’s pick-up is sitting in my driveway, and it’s later than I thought. I’ve probably missed dinner. Avoiding the main house, I slip in through the side gate, remembering a time when slipping in and out late at night had much more positive connotations. For the first time since I met Erin, a tiny, minute part of my brain wishes for the simplicity I had with Jeremy: it was a secret, and I felt guilty about it, but at least it was fun and easy. Now I dread heading to the house to where my boyfriend is waiting with my parents, probably trying to placate them for my lack of communication.
“Hi Luke.”
“Shit!” I actually push my hand over my heart as adrenaline rushes through my system. I hadn’t expected Erin to be waiting in my room, sitting on the sofa in the dark. “Babe. What are you doing here?”
“I was worried about you.” Erin stands and frowns at me, a mixed look of hurt and pity. “Where have you been?”
“I- I had to go for a drive. Clear my head.” I drop my bag and car keys as I shut the door and go to my boyfriend. To my surprise, he does not hug me back. “Erie?”
“You hit someone.” Erin’s voice sounds odd, like he’s talking to a stranger. “You hit Jim.”
“You heard what he said this morning.” I back away from Erin. “Why are you made at me?”
“Yeah, I heard what he said.” Erin shakes his head. “I got upset. You nearly broke his damn nose. What happens to me when I make you angry?”
“What?” I cannot believe what I’m hearing. “That’s not even- Really Erin? You think I would actually hurt you?”
“You know, now I have no idea.” Erin rubs his hands over his face. “No… I don’t mean that. He reaches out blindly, grabbing for my belt. I pull him against me quickly. “I was really worried about you. You just took off.”
“I couldn’t stay.”
“Please be more careful. I couldn’t bear to lose you.” Something about the way he says it instantly makes me think about Greg and I sniff, refusing to cry. “You can’t just walk away from the team like that. We all went to watch you, and you weren’t there. They need you.”
“I don’t need them.”
“That’s not fair. You can’t let down people who are relying on you.”
“No. If I did that, I would’ve let you down, and my brother would still be alive.”
“Luke…” Erin steps back away from me. “You don’t mean that.”
“I should never have gone to Thanksgiving dinner.” I run my fingers over my forehead. “It wasn’t worth it.” When I look up, Erin is staring at me in horror. “No babe, c’mon…”
“You don’t just blame yourself for Greg’s death, you blame me too.” Erin looks like he might be on the verge of tears. “I gotta go.”
“No, Erie!”
“No. Not right now.” Erin throws up his hands and turns from me. “You need to get over this Luke. It wasn’t your fault.”
“Get over it?” My anger is back, snapping at me like a jackal on my heels. “My brother is dead! I can’t just get over it!”
“Fine!” Erin growls, turning to leave. “Have it your way.” He wants to but he can’t hide the fact that he’s crying.
I chase him out onto the driveway.
“Erin!”
He slams the door, guns the engine and pulls out onto the road. As the pick-up vanishes, I pray that nothing happens to him and that he gets home safely, even if it means that he has to pull onto the side of the road to be mad with me. The knowledge that I’ve just punched a big hole through the best part of my life is sinking in really fast. I bury my head in my hands and I wish I could just burst into tears. What have I done?
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Note: While authors are asked to place warnings on their stories for some moderated content, everyone has different thresholds, and it is your responsibility as a reader to avoid stories or stop reading if something bothers you.
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