The Secret Life Of Billy Chase 8 - 21. Chapter 21

Thursday

- There's no easy way to break a heart. I think human nature designed it that way. Because if it was too easy, if we could all just walk away from someone's love without a moment's doubt, pain, guilt, or regret...we, as a species, would all be extremely suicidal by the second time it happened to us. I doubt we could have survived this long at all. Because at the end of the day, out of all the material garbage we hold in such high regard...all you really have is your heart. It's the one thing in this life that you keep sacred. The one thing that you can hold as the most important part of who you are, who you used to be, and you want to be in the future. It defines you, inside and out, you know? To have it totally smashed and obliterated by another person without any remorse at all...? Why would anyone want to live through that? Is it even possible?

It hurts. It hurts on a level that physical pain can't ever hope to touch. And it never goes away. It just keeps getting worse until you're so numb to the misery that it's better to lie to yourself and pretend that the pain doesn't exist anymore than it is to realize that you've been forever damaged by it. Forever. After Brandon...I know the feeling well.

And yet...I don't think anyone knows that feeling better than Jimmy LaPlane does. And that really worries me. He lost his heart once. He lost his very reason for living. And I can't imagine what it must be like...to live without reason. Without hope. Without the sense of a 'future' worth sticking around for. But he knows the score, firsthand. And the scars on both of his wrists show exactly how he chose to deal with the desperation of it all when it was forced upon him the last time.

I think that's the excuse that I'm going to use for not just...doing the right thing and telling Jimmy that we should break up today.

Honestly, I spend half of my emotional energy trying to find ways to tell him how I really feel, and the other half trying to prepare myself for how he's going to react when I say what I need to say. Both scenarios are just fantasies in my head for now, but they're not going to stay that way. That I'm sure of. The day is coming when I'm going to have to come clean about this 'relationship' of ours. And there's no safe angle, no sugar coated phrases, that are going to sound any less 'apocalyptic' when it comes to Jimmy loving me with all his heart...and me telling him that I don't feel the same way.

I don't want to hurt him. I don't want to hurt anybody. That's not who I am. I tried to play the uncaring 'bad boy' role for a while, but I hated myself for it every step of the way. I was an asshole and I knew it. I screwed around with AJ and Randall and Lee and others, trying to force myself to be selfish enough not to care anymore. I tried to just 'go for it' and enjoy life for what it was for a change. But I didn't like myself anymore. I didn't like what I had become. And I truly missed who I was...before the change. I just wanted to live a life of action without thinking soooo much. But...it was all a joke, wasn't it? I DO care. I can't HELP but to care. It's what I do. It's what my heart tells me is right. And that sucks for me, because I feel like so few people give a shit about much of anything that I just get sick and tired of trying to be the example for someone else to become something better than what they are. What's the point, you know? I feel so alone. Outnumbered. I'd rather have fun and live on their side of life...where everything is carefree and spontaneous and guilt free. Instead of always exhausting myself trying to find others like me who just...want something more magical. Something more...'stupid'.

Wasted time. That's all I see...is wasted time.

I'll bet AJ NEVER has this problem...

Anyway, I wanted to care less about other people...but it just didn't work. Not for me. And now I'm forced to go back to being that same asshole all over again in order to fix this weirdness once and for all. Because, stubborn as I am...I know that it's only going to get worse the longer I wait to tackle a feasible solution for it. And I'm already two or three weeks too late to repair the damage I've already done to his heart. The countdown has started. And a 'clean' break is pretty much impossible at this point. It's going to be messy. I just know it.

He believed in me. Jimmy really trusted me with his wounded heart. To take care of it and never let him down. When Jimmy called me up tonight...God, I felt like I wanted to throw up. He was so....so cheerful. So happy to have me pick up the phone and hear my voice again. He just wanted my love. Nothing more. And there I was, trying to find the appropriate moment to tell him that my heart belonged to someone else. And that this...whatever it is...was over.

Jimmy was horny today. He's always horny. He told me that he was thinking about me. He told me that he missed me, even though he had just seen me yesterday, and he couldn't get me out of his head. Every word that he spoke was laced with a level of flattery and worship that made me feel that much worse about having to completely tear his life apart by suggesting that we go our separate ways. I didn't have the heart to do it to him. Not today. Not over the phone like that.

We did talk for a while though. Love and sex aside, Jimmy and I were still good friends, I think. I was glad that we hadn't lost that part of our connection to one another. Jimmy could be really insightful about certain things. He's helped me out a bunch of times in the past with all sorts of things. I missed that.

But I couldn't help but notice how much his voice changed when I told him that I had been talking to Ian recently. And I mean...it changed instantly. I heard a brief silence on his side of the phone, and then he was like, "What does Ian need to talk to you for?"

I had to think for a moment, because Jimmy sounded a little bit...'weird' about it all. Not angry, really...just weird. So I'm like, "He got this awesome new HD camera and stuff. He wants to make a movie this Summer. Just a short one, but I thought it sounded like fun. He's practicing with some new editing software so he can put things together as he goes along."

There was another pause. Then Jimmy said, "...oh..." I don't think a two letter word ever conveyed so much emotion before. Jimmy was like, "I don't know what he needs to talk to you for, though. I thought Ian was Bobby's boyfriend."

Why does everybody think I'm going to dive, face first, into Ian's crotch the second I get a moment alone with him? We're FRIENDS, for crying out loud! Actually, we're barely even that! First Bobby, now Jimmy? I ought to hook up with Ian just to validate their reason for suspecting us at all.

I told Jimmy, "Dude, it's just a fun hobby of his. It's not, like...a 'thing' with us or anything. We're just goofing around."

He says, "Well, did you tell him that I was your boyfriend?"

My boyfriend? Where the hell did THAT come from? I'm like, "Jimmy...I didn't really think it was necessary. We're just friends."

He said, "Gay friends..."

I'm like, "He doesn't even know about me, Jimmy. Ok? I never told him. Bobby doesn't even want me to say anything. So...it's not like he's even interested."

Another pause. And then Jimmy actually tells me, "Well...just let me know the next time he decides that he wants to just 'pop' on over to your house for no reason." I mean...really? WHY? Then Jimmy's all like, "Everybody wants my Billy all for themselves. Hehehe, I want them to know that the most beautiful boy on the face of the Earth is taken already. He's mine! Ian needs to move along to the next boy and leave you alone."

I know that Jimmy was sort of giggling about it, but I know when Jimmy is really 'tickled' by something he said, and when he's faking to just make it seem that way. This was a weird hybrid of the two extremes. Then he proceeds to give me all these kisses and stuff, and he actually said 'I love you' like FIVE times before we hung up. Those exact words. 'I love you'. I was almost glad to be working tomorrow, because I was sure that he'd be asking to come over to spend the day naked with me again if I didn't have other things to do. And that could be really bad...considering that I seem to have a hard time saying no once Jimmy gets his pants off.

Seriously...the sex is insane! Jimmy's body is soooo...ugh! The taste and the texture of it, the smooth flesh, the tightness, and the grinding, and the cuddling, and the whimpers of sexual bliss...not to mention the breathless kisses that he gives me when we're laying in bed together afterward. But...no. It's time that I showed some restraint. I need to be better than my baser instincts for once. God, I've lost SO much to impulse decisions in the past...ones that, ultimately, only worked to destroy me from within. I'm tired of the games. Tired of the secrets. I think I'm reaching a level where I really want to think about what I'm doing for a change, and avoid the potholes in the road before rolling over them and rattling myself to pieces yet again. I wanted to observe my situation...the instant benefits, and the inevitable consequences. And when thinking logically...this thing with Jimmy was getting progressively worse with every tick of the clock. I'm not a little kid anymore. It's time I faced this head on.

Just...

Not today...

I didn't say that I wasn't scared shitless! I just said that I need to get better. So...yeah...

I know that Jimmy feels good when he's with me. And I feel good when I'm with him. We've talked so many times about 'feeling good'. But when I think about it...what are we doing? Is Jimmy the whore...or am I?

God, I can get so messed up in the head going in circles like this...

OH! Trace sent me a message tonight. It didn't say much, as Trace's messages rarely do. But he was like, "We're making a 'prison break' tomorrow night! Be there! Call me when you get home from work!"

Um...okaaaaay....

I have NO idea what Trace meant by a 'prison break'...but knowing him, it could mean anything. And much like the Jimmy situation, when Trace calls, I have a hard time saying no. Honestly, I'd cancel my own funeral just to check Trace out and see what the hell kind of wacky caper he's got going on next! Hehehe! So, needless to say, I sent him a message back to say, "I'm in!"

I didn't bother to ask him what the heck was going on. But why bother? He wouldn't have told me anyway. In fact, I'm sure he would have gotten even more of a kick out of having me ask and not giving me a definitive answer. With Trace, I've learned to just roll with it.

Besides, a prison break sounds kinda...umm...epic. Hehehe!

God bless you, Trace! I mean that.

Anyway, I've got to run. I'm actually making dinner tonight. My mom had something in mind, but she's...well, she's not herself today. She's not herself a LOT of days, but it seems to be getting worse. I've reached a point where I honestly don't think I want to know what's got her so upset. I have my ideas, but...I don't know. I know she needs help, but I think it's better to just avoid her for now. I can't help her. I can't think of anything that would cheer her up. I'm just...I'm gonna leave her alone. Maybe it's better that way. Like I said...sometimes 'alone' is better, I guess. I really don't want to get involved. I wish I wasn't a part of this at all.

I just want to be a kid. Just for a little bit longer. Because the sands in that hourglass seem to be running out on that part of my life. And to be honest...I miss it already.

Seeya later.

-Billy