Awkward Moments in Religious History - 5. Noah Thins the Herd

Sitting back, Noah wiped the sweat from his brow and contemplated the task he had just completed. Looking to the sky he thanked the Lord for giving him the strength to finish his work.

"Ah... dad?" Noah heard from behind.

"Yes Shem?" he asked.

"You may want to take a look at this!" Shem exclaimed.

Noah turned from his contemplation and looked over the bow of the newly constructed ark. "Holy Shit!" Noah remarked as his gaze swept the horizon and took in the millions of pairs of animals.

"I'm not cleaning out the cages! That's Ham's job." Shem looked in awe at the sight before him and his father. "You know they're not all going to fit right?"

"Ah huh," Noah acknowledged rubbing his beard in wonder.

"Maybe God wanted us to build a second one?" Shem speculated.

"I think he would have mentioned that son!" Noah said in frustration.

Shem shrugged and walked away, "Whatever."

Noah ignored him and looked at the numerous animals of every kind. There were many that he didn't even know by name or sight. "Ah, Almighty Lord?" Noah called to the sky.

Noah? Is that you? God panted heavily in Noah's mind.

"Yes Sire, it is I. Would you have a minute for me my Lord?"

God grunted his approval.

"Did I catch you at a bad time my Lord? You sound a little distracted."

No, no, I'm good. Whew! Just finished my workout. The misses got me the new Jane Fonda workout video. I'm telling you Noah her legs could outrun the apocalypse!

"I have no idea what your talking about my Lord, but I trust you're correct."

Don't sweat it Noah, all in good time. Now, what can I do for you?

"Well Sire, I have just completed the Ark as you requested, and lo and behold the animals seem to have arrived right on schedule. But there is just a small problem Sire. They won't all fit on the Ark my Lord."

What? There is only two of each right?

"Yes my Lord, it appears so."

And you built the Ark to my specifications? God asked sternly.

"Indeed Sire, exactly as you requested."

Hmmm... Give me a second here.

Noah could hear God mumbling gently to himself.

Carry the one, multiply by pi, divide by the sum of the tonne wight of the animals... oh damn. Ah... Noah

"Yes my Lord?"

Looks like you'll just have to pick out the ones you like.

"Pick out the ones I like Sire?" Noah asked hesitantly.

Ya, you know, the ones that look like they should survive the flood.

"Ah... yes of course my Lord. Any suggestions as to how I should do that?"

I'm sure you'll figure it out Noah, your a smart guy. Listen I gotta run, I'm late for my Bikram Hot Yoga class!

"I'm sure you are my Lord. A good day to you Sire," and Noah returned his gaze upon the horde before him contemplating.

Making his decision he moved to the rail of the large Ark, held his arms up high and shouted above the din of animal noises. "May I have your attention please?"

The animals turned expectantly and a hush moved through the crowd.

"Thank you. I know you all arrived as a result of a call from God, the Almighty, but it appears that we will not have as much room upon the Ark as previously anticipated."

There were several nervous roars and squawks from the crowd.

"Dinosaurs could you all move to the back please." Many of the dinosaurs looked at each other in confusion, and then reluctantly moved to the rear.

"Come on, come on," Noah muttered to himself, "I bet they'd be moving faster if an asteroid was hurtling toward them."

He waited for the commotion to settle down.

"Insects... I'm sorry but I have bad thoughts about many of you, and the thought of not having you on the Ark makes me happy. You may leave." The buzzing got noticeably more quiet and Noah was pleased that he wouldn't have to hear than incessant sound on the journey ahead.

He cleared his throat once again, "Any animal here that has thought of eating me since your arrival... off you go!" Another quarter of the animals left causing Noah some measure of discomfort.

"Anything with both legs and gills, you seriously creep me out... move along."

Noah looked at the result still disappointed with how many animals there were. Suddenly noticing the solution he issued his last decree. "All in between animals, you know who you are, the ones that mark a smooth evolutionary progression from one species to the next, sorry but you know you wouldn't have made it anyway."

Shem came wandering back to his father's side and looked over the herd, "Nice job dad!"

"Thank you son. You know what this means, don't you?" Noah asked excitedly.

"We get to leave soon father?" Shem's smile brightened.

"No Shem, it means that you'll be cleaning out those cages after all!" Noah chuckled to himself as he heard Shem's groan of protest. Stepping off the Ark he moved among the animals preparing his flock for boarding.