Awkward Moments in Religious History - 1. Adam's Discovery

Relaxing casually against a rock, Adam rubbed his side, which had a bit of an ache this morning, and was pondering what he would do on this glorious day in the garden. He praised the Lord as his tiger friends playfully ran with the rabbits and Adam munched his celery stick with relish – not the relish that goes good on hotdogs, because of course Adam was vegan, and they hadn’t invented veggie hotdogs yet – but the relish of enjoying his meal. The crispness of the celery on his useless canines made for a tasty snack. The tigers too were eating their celery, but it appeared they didn’t enjoy it so much as Adam.

Suddenly Adam spotted movement in the bushes. It was plain that an animal was making it way through the underbrush attempting to reach the garden clearing in which Adam and the other animals were lounging. He could hear grunting as it heaved its body through the underbrush, but could not make out what the beast was as it was still hidden from his view.

Hm… Adam wondered, must be a big animal, it’s making an awful racket in there.

He took another bite of his scrumptiously robust celery stick, and was considering which wine to choose for his carrot meal this evening, when out from the bushes came an animal like no other Adam had ever seen. In fact it looked similar to him… but not exactly like him.

The beast emerged fully now from the bush and stopped to take in the clearing while tending to its mane, pulling out sticks and leaves and tossing them on the ground at its feet. Adam, who was in wonderment as to this new development, but neither fearful nor modest, as he knew neither of these, looked on and considered what the beast would do next. The creature had little fur, only a long flowing dark mane hanging off its head, and another smaller patch further down. It had no tail, and it's hide was the color of Adam's skin. A more curious site Adam had not seen, and the creature made eye contact with Adam and began approaching him.

Only feet away now, the thing opened its mouth and spoke to Adam!

“You must be Adam?”

Adams jaw dropped and suddenly he felt rather dizzy. “The beast speaks!” Adam declared weakly while pointing at it. “Dear God, what has happened in this heavenly garden that allows a beast to speak!”

“Whom are you calling a beast?” the creature asked curiously, and looked behind itself.

“You! You are the beast! How do you come to know the words of God Almighty.”

“You mean my father, who art in heaven?”

“Your father? YOUR FATHER!!! I will say this to you, creature that uses words, you are no man!”

“I am no man, on that you are right, I am a woman!”

“A what?” Adam winced as he felt a sudden pain in his side. That which was a dull ache only minutes ago, was now a rather sharp needle, wedging its way into his ribcage.

“A woman,” the beast stated clearly and raised itself to its full height, just shy of Adams.

“I know not what a woman is, but I believe you should take your rightful place among all of Gods other beasts.” Adam pointed to the tigers and rabbits that were playing in the distance.

The creature stared at him, in what Adam assumed was wonder, and raised its head to the sky. “Are you sure he’s all there in the head?” She spoke to the air.

“With whom do you speak,” Adam demanded.

“With my Father of course, just give me a minute.”

“I will certainly not. The creatures of this garden are under my dominion, and you are no different. Now go and play with the others.”

“Play with the others!” the beast shrieked at Adam who suddenly took a step back. “Oh, thank God there’s only one of you!” It screamed and began storming off back in the direction of the bush it had emerged from.

“Oy! Where do you think you are going creature that speaks? I have given you a command to play with the other animals.”

“Listen buddy… if you think that I am going show up here and …”

Adam lost the words, which seemed to be streaking ever so quickly and more loudly out of the creature’s mouth, and settled his eyes on the beast’s chest and the two heaving mounds that rose and fell with it’s breath. He quickly realized the creature had gone silent, but still could not take his eyes from the beguiling sight of the two mounds. He was curiously aware of his intent to touch them, and began to raise his hand stretching out for the oddity, when his thoughts were again interrupted by still more shrieking.

“Hey pal, my eyes are up here!”

And so begins a series of awkward moments and first experiences between Adam and Eve… not Adam and Steve… those awkward moments come later.