Awkward Moments in Religious History - 4. Snack Time in the Garden of Eden

“I’m sssimply sssaying it looksss ssscrumptous!” Kenny said wrapping his body around Eve's neck.

“I don’t know, what if... You Know Who... found out?”

“What’sss he going to sssay? Ssstop eating that apple! Big deal. He’ll get over it.” Kenny could see Eve hesitate and thought hard about how to get Eve to eat from the tree – because we all know snakes are evil, and we can tell this because they are slimy and have no eye lids! “Do you know why God doesssn’t want you to eat from the Tree of Knowledge Eve?”

“Well… no, I never thought about it Kenny. Our Father told us never to eat from the tree, and so we've never eaten from the tree.”

“It’sss becaussse he doesssn’t want you having the knowledge of good and evil. If you did, you would be like him Eve, and you wouldn’t need God any longer.”

“Really Kenny?" Eve looked shocked at the revelation. "You really think this is why we can’t eat from the tree?”

“I’m sssixty percccent cccertain!”

“Well that is pretty certain!” Eve twirled her hair in a knot around her finger. “Ouch!” she exclaimed when she tried to pull her hand away and her hair came with it.

If Kenny could have rolled his lidless eyes he would have, but those beady black orbs just sssoaked… sorry, soaked in the sight of Eve’s turmoil.

“Maybe I should ask Adam first Kenny. Look here he comes with Steve. Oh, I’m so happy their such good friends!”

Adam and Steve were holding hands and skipping through the daisies. Upon seeing Eve and Kenny, Steve waved frantically yelling, “You whoooo!!!”

Stopping with a big grin Steve was showing off his daisy chain necklace, bracelets and tiara by running his slender fingers over his treasure, but Eve started the introductions before he could say anything.

“Adam, Steve, this is Kenny.”

“Adam.” Kenny acknowledged with a graceful bow half a body length high.

“Kenny.” Adam replied.

Sssteve.” Kenny said.

“Ooooo a funny talking thnake! Nithe to meet you!” Steve gushed and patted Kenny roughly on the head causing him to ratchet down to a quarter body length in height.

“Niccce to meet you too Sssteve," Kenny said shaking off the punishing pat on the head. "We were jussst about to have a sssnack.” Kenny turned to Eve and lowered his voice. “What’sss he talking about? I don't ssspeak funny!”

“He’s just being fun that’s all Kenny. You speak beautifully.” Eve shot daggers at Steve. “Anyway… Kenny and I were talking and we think it’s a good idea to eat from the tree of life. Kenny thinks we will gain the knowledge of God and then be like him. Wouldn’t that be good Adam? To be like our Father? Can we please have a bite?

"I don't think we should babe," Adam replied nonchalantly.

"Pretty please? Pretty please with a cherry on top?" Eve persisted.

"Sorry sweetums, no means no." Adam held his ground.

"And some whip cream..."

"No Eve!" Our father was very clear when he..."

"And a banana... and a …”

“OMG shut your mouth and take a bite of the apple!” Adam screamed.

Eve smiled with a wink at Kenny, which of course he couldn’t return, and proceeded to bite the apple and then hand it to Adam. Adam’s curiosity got the better of him. He took the apple from Eve and had a bite as well. Steve not wanting to be left out grabbed the apple from Adam and took his bite, and finally Kenny sunk his fangs into the apple and swallowed it whole!

Suddenly their eyes were opened and the mood turned somewhat…

“Hey Bitch, get your claws off my man!” Eve suddenly turned on Steve.

Who you callin’ a bitth, bitth! I’ll thay thith oneth and only oneth, back off thithter, or I’ll pull that wig off and throw your bald ath down into the fireth of hell!”

Adam couldn’t believe his ears and covered them up so he wouldn’t hear the words coming from Eve and Steve. Adam’s eyes were opening too, however, and they were looking directly at Steve’s package with more admiration that he had felt before. Suddenly he noticed something about his own package and covered that up instead.

Kenny was trying to throw up, but he had an apple stuck in his throat – that’s what you get for being an evil greedy bastard Kenny!

*****

Meanwhile in Heaven…

In his best Chinese accent God picked up the phone. “Wings Noodle House, best spicy duck you ever tasted! Eat in or take out?” He giggled uncontrollably waiting for the caller’s response.

“It’s me God, your Arch Angel Michael.” The Angel said in a monotone voice, having heard almost every one of God’s jokes an infinite amount of times before.

God was visibly disappointed in Michael’s response. “Michael why do you have to be such a buzz kill dude?”

Michael popped into existence beside God and God put down the phone.

“I’m sorry Sire, it’s just that we have a situation in the garden your Holiness.”

“A situation? What kind of situation?” God was curious, but searched his mind for the answer to the question he just asked.

“Well Sire, it seems that the snake convinced Eve to eat from the Tree of Knowledge. Adam and Steve also decided to eat from the tree, and then the snake attempted to consume the rest of the fruit Sire.”

“Son of a bitch! I knew Kenny was a mistake! It’s those eyes. They never blink Michael – they’re creepy! Didn’t I tell you they were creepy?”

“Yes Sire you told me they were creepy.” Michael said with his usual lack of enthusiasm.

“Well that’s it! We will just see how prepared they are now!” And God was gone to bring his wrath down upon the Garden of Eden.