Awkward Moments in Religious History - 8. The Moses Kufuffle

Moses?

Mooossssseeessss? God whispered lightly into the mind of his most devoted.

Moses roused himself from a dream and looked around in the dark. “Is anyone there?” he asked.

It’s me Moses. Time to get up, we have work to do, you and I.

“Yes my Lord. I am honoured Sire, what shall we do?”

Come to the mountaintop this morning and we shall speak there, and bring your papyrus. The people know that I am here, be quick.

“The mountaintop, Wise One, you mean the mountain I was just on the other day?”

The very same, now quit wasting time, I don’t have all day you know.

“You’re welcome to make the day longer my Lord, maybe I could finish my sleep then?

Moses, get your ass up that hill!

“Yes my Lord, right away.” Moses rubbed the film from his weary eyes, straightened out his robe and packed a cheese, some bread, and a skin of water for the journey.

Looking to the sky Moses could see the gathering clouds, and the streaks of lightning, and hear the trumpets announcing the arrival of the Almighty. All morning, through the afternoon sun, and into the cool of the evening, it took Moses to climb the familiar path. This was the second time in a few days that Moses had climbed to the peak. The first time, Moses recalled, was an arduous journey which when accomplished was rewarded with a message to the people in the desert far below to get themselves ready. Moses had to climb all the way down again to tell them to clean themselves and prepare for word from their Lord.

A message, Moses thought, not even a crust of bread or some wine to wash it down with.

Finally at the summit he waited patiently on a large rock beside the remnants of a blackened bush.

Ah Moses, you have made it. Moses rolled his eyes. I have a message for the people of the desert. Return to them at once and tell them not to follow you up the mountain.

Moses shook his head and tried to consider what to say. “Um… my Lord, no one has followed me up the mountain. They are too scared to speak with you, they fear you my Sire. “

God paused a moment and Moses waited to feel the wrath of God’s displeasure. Right well, they need to be told, and after they have been… come up the mountain again and we will chat some more.

Moses’ mouth dropped open. “Sire you wish me to go down the mountain, to tell everyone who hasn’t followed me up the mountain, that they shall not follow me up the mountain? And then after I have told them, you want me to walk back up the mountain, which I will have already walked up twice previously?”

Good Man Moses, I knew you’d get it eventually!

“Yes Sire,” Moses said dryly.

And so… once again… Moses made his way down the mountain to tell everyone that they should not follow him up the mountain.

The people looked at him in confusion and replied, “But Moses, no one followed you up the mountain.”

“I know, I know, just do as you are told, so sayeth the Lord!” Moses’ nerves were starting to fray. “I have to go back up the mountain,” he announced, “but no one follow me!”

The people grew concerned for the old man as he replenished his supplies and turned around to head back up the mountain.

After a third journey, an exhausted Moses reached the summit and sat, once again, while waiting on the Lord to speak with him.

Moses you’re back. Good man! Okay take out your papyrus; I want you to write some things down.

“Ah… my papyrus Sire?”

Yes Moses papyrus, you know the stuff you use to write things on? The papyrus I expressly told you to bring with you on this journey? That papyrus.

“Yes my Lord, I am familiar with papyrus, but I have none with me. I seem to have forgotten to pack it my Lord,” Moses cringed as he anticipated another trip down the mountain and then back up the mountain.

Hmmm… well no matter, I will write them down for you.

“Oh… well, that’s very nice of you my Lord,” Moses was rather surprised that God would be so generous with his own papyrus.

Don’t thank me yet Moses. Moses didn’t like the sound of that. Let’s get on with it shall we?

“Yes my Lord,” Moses said cautiously.

Alrighty then, I have a number of rules that I expect my people to follow.

Moses sat and listened for hours to the Lord as he set out the many commandments that would govern the people as they followed the word of their God in Heaven. He found himself thankful that he didn’t bring his writing supplies as the rules were many, and he didn’t know how he would possibly write them all down.

Don’t worry Moses, God interrupted his thoughts, the words of the first 10 commandments are the most important and these I have written for you. You will find them in the bush next to the rock you sit on.

Moses hunted through the bush until he found two large stone tablets, each engraved by the hand of God.

“Ah… my Lord?”

Yes Moses? God responded innocently.

“They seem to be on stone Sire… and quite heavy.”

Really? Hmmm… well maybe next time you are requested an audience with your Maker you will see fit to bring your writing supplies I think, yes?

“Yes, my Lord,” Moses replied sheepishly. Sufficiently chastised, Moses carried the two stone tablets down the mountain to tell the people of the words of God… and to remind them to always carry their papyrus with them.