Awkward Moments in Religious History - 7. Fire!

Moses grew weary of looking after Jethro’s sheep, but continued his assent up the mountain to allow them to graze. He stopped one last time to drink the remains of water he carried in the goat bladder slung over his shoulder. I really should get another bladder, he thought to himself, the hair on this one is starting to shed. He rolled it up when he was finished and stored it in the secret pocket within his robe.

Nearing the summit of Mount Horeb, Moses stopped and looked across the vast valley below him, and the wonders of the sky above, and thanked God for his many creations. Suddenly he picked up the unmistakable scent of fire in the air and looked for the source.

Spotting a distant copse of bushes, Moses set off at a run, wishing he still had a full goat bladder with him.

“Fire!” He yelled as he approached the burning bush. “Help! Fire! Oh Lord, Oh Lord, what do I do?” He looked around frantically, but found no source to put out the flames.

Moses, God’s voice appeared in his head.

“Oh God, ahhhhh… I’m in a bit of a crisis here at the moment, can you give me a minute?” He continued his search for water. “Somebody help me! Fire, Fire on the mountain,” he shouted and noticed a lone man in the distance beginning to run toward him when he heard Moses’ call for help.

“Oh thank you my Lord, you’ve sent me help!”

Actually, Moses there is something I should probably tell you.

“My creator, with all respect, just a few minutes, and I will give you all the time I have left on this great earth.”

The new arrival approached. “My man, why do you call out for help?”

“I have no water good sir, and this bush fire if allowed to spread will surely devour all the wood on this mountain, where would the village below harvest its wood for cooking?”

“Ah, this is indeed a crisis, but I, like you, have no water.”

“Damn!” Moses kicked his sandal in the dusty earth.

Ah Moses… God sounded a little desperate in his interruption.

“One second my Lord,” Moses mumbled as he turned away from the man standing with him. He was beginning to notice how people thought of him when he spoke into the air at nothing.

Turning back to the new comer Moses gleaned an idea. “My good man, would you consider urinating on this bush with me to save the resources of the village below?”

The man looked rather uncomfortable, but nodded slowly. “For the village yes, I will.”

And together they approached the burning bush, pulled their robes up and began relieving themselves.

Oh man, is this really happening right now! God’s voice echoed in Moses’ mind.

“Almost there my Lord!” said Moses spraying his urine frantically back and forth while his partner in fire fighting directed his steady stream at the bottom roots and surrounding soil.

“Good thing I didn’t go before making it up here!” the man commented and continued his watery assault upon the bush.

“Indeed,” agreed Moses, “I had a whole goat bladder on the way to the summit!” the two men stood upon Mount Horeb and looked to the now smoldering bush.

“Thank you good sir, you’ve done a service to the people below!” Moses cried and embraced his new friend. “Please don’t let me keep you from your journey any longer,” and he watched and sighed in contentment of a job well done, before returning to other matters.

“My Lord? Are you there?”

Yes Moses, I’m everywhere, remember?

“So you are my Lord, what can I do for you?”

Well first you can explain why you felt the need to piss out the divine fire that I lit that bush with!

“Ahhh… that was your doing my Lord?”

Yes it was my doing, how else would it have started on fire? Do you see anyone else up here!

“Good point my Lord, very sorry, it seems that maybe you made an error in thinking it was a good idea to light the bush on fire.”

I’m sorry? What did you say? God’s voice sounded incredulous inside his Moses’ head. Are you suggesting that I… the creator of all things… the One… the alpha and the omega… that I made a mistake in lighting this bush on fire? Is that what your saying Moses?

“Well I did hear about the incident my Lord, and I thought maybe that this too may have been an error. My apologies, I will never doubt you again.”

The incident? What incident do you speak of Moses? God’s tone was deadly serious, and Moses knew he was walking on shaky ground.

“Ahhh… well Sire, the people in the cities… and the peasants… well they’re speaking of… Sodom and Gomorrah… and well you know, the fact that it was opposite day and all… my Lord.” Moses finished weakly.

Son of a bitch is that kid of mine shooting his mouth off to everyone out there? Jesus Christ I’m gonna teach that ungrateful… okay, okay, calm yourself, you are God after all. Moses heard God inhale deeply and let his breath go in a long steady stream.

Let's move on shall we?

“Yes, by all means my Lord. Was there something in particular you wanted from me, my Lord?”

Well ya, but it’s like, I don’t know if I even want to tell you about it now…

“Please continue, I’d love to hear what you have for me.” Moses could tell God was disappointed.

Well… I was just thinking… that it would be good for you to lead my people out of Egypt. They’re getting kind of a raw deal there.

Silence hung in the air. “Ah… is that’s it?” Moses asked.

Well ya, but it sounds kinda boring now that there’s no burning bush to give it the wow factor.

“Oh… no… it’s fine, my Lord! I’m your man. You know that, you can count on me. Seems rather exciting, gives me the chills just thinking about that trip!” Moses tried to sound like he was into the journey.

Well okay then, I guess I'll just talk to you later?

“Any time, my Lord.” And with that God’s voice was gone and Moses looked to the still smoldering pile of sticks and branches that had been God’s one and only burning bush. Man I really gotta get myself a new goat’s bladder now, mine will never make that journey! Moses turned his attention back to the sheep and prepared himself for the journey back down the mountain.