Song and Dance - 7. Chapter 7 Bridge Over Troubled Water

Song and Dance

Chapter 7

This was a nightmare. One minute, on top of the world, the next, immersed in searing, debilitating pain. Arron stumbled to his SUV, oblivious to the world around him. What had just happened? Was there a God somewhere laughing at him? He loved that guy and his heart felt ripped out of… loved? What was he thinking? Is that why this hurt so badly? Could he possibly be in love with Chet, a man he had only just met? Dammit! What did it matter now anyway? It looked like it'd ended before it even got started.

Ian wants Chet back. Fuck! He had no idea who Ian was when Chet had talked about him. The man was a celebrity. Nobody could compete against a guy like that; photographs of his face and body were everywhere. Arron made the mistake of picturing the two of them together… and his sanity almost shattered. Don’t go there, he told himself. His breath was coming in gasps at the mere thought of Chet and Ian intertwined. He felt dizzy getting into his Highlander, his heart was racing in a frightening staccato rhythm and the brain fog lifted enough for him to deduce that he was hyperventilating. The gulps of air weren’t working. Looking around frantically, he spotted a plastic grocery bag on the floor of the passenger’s side, tucked partly under the seat; grabbing it, he used it to get his breathing back under control. Taking measured breaths slowly in and out of the gripped plastic bag, the darkness that had edged his vision started to recede, and his heart-rate slowed and returned to normal rhythm once again. The nausea that had been building slowed its pace as a tenuous calm began to wash over Arron, cancelling out the panic.

Jesus, that hadn’t happened since he was a kid, and it was just as terrifying now as it was then. Letting the hand that held the bag fall to his side, Arron became almost catatonic, unable to move or think until his mind adjusted to the sensory overload. Unaware of the time that had passed, Arron slowly tuned in to his surroundings, and his distress, as it slowly punched a hole through the defenses his mind had surrounded him in.

What was he going to do now? He was a mess. Sitting in his vehicle, he tried to take stock of his situation. His swollen, red eyes were visible in the rear-view mirror and it caught his attention… his face. What had Chet seen when he looked at his face? Did he compare it to Ian’s? Thoughts of the little-kid joy Chet had exhibited in the grocery store ran through Arron’s mind. That was the real Chet, one who was open and honest and full of life. There was no pretense when he had looked at Arron. He had found Arron attractive, and Arron felt stupid for doubting it. His looks weren’t an issue. His jealousy and insecurity over a man like Ian was his problem, not something to be put on Chet. Chet had said to trust him, but how was he supposed to do that?

There was an almost naked Adonis in Chet’s place, and he had been there since Arron had left the night before. In fairness though, Chet had been going to tell him about it; he said so and Arron could trust that, right? But Ian had slept in Chet’s bed. Could he believe him when he said he'd moved out to the couch once he'd realized it? That’s the kind of thing Dwayne would have said. He could almost hear Dwayne’s voice when Chet was talking, mimicking what Chet was saying, pleading the same way. Too many warring thoughts were ping-ponging around in his head.

Chet was not Dwayne, nor was he the back-stabbing David. Was that the issue here? Arron zoned out once again, trying to bring the myriad of threads into a few manageable strands he could sort through, and make some sort of sense out of. What was he feeling? There was a numbness that had set in for protection from the pain he knew was still there… lurking beneath the surface. Something was telling him not to lose himself in it again. It was imperative for him to figure something out, and quickly. His gut told him so, and like Chet said… they should trust what their gut told them. What was it telling him, right now?

Arron knew the answer instantly, but irrational fear was doing battle with him, mixing up memories with reality. He had become his own worst enemy and allowed that fear to control him; he knew it to be true, and still there was the reluctance to break free from it. That fear was his security blanket; it kept him safe, and stopped him from taking chances. But that was wrong. The fact was, it interfered with his life and his chance for happiness. It wasn’t protecting him at all; it was smothering him, and the possible cure was countable steps away.

Chet was not Dwayne! That’s what his gut was telling him. Chet wasn’t a liar and a cheat. He glowed with integrity and when he looked at Arron, his face shone with an adoration that couldn’t be faked. It wasn’t just flirting, or a means to an end. There was promise in those openhearted looks… he had been the recipient of it at dinner the night before, and he had seen it all day today. Chet could be trusted! Cautiously, he allowed his mind to take peeks at what had happened upstairs, and he began to recognize what he should have seen at the time... things his fear, his jealousy, his insecurity, and his memories had colored and distorted. He had blocked out the never-ending concern Chet had for him because he'd been afraid to have faith, and to hold onto trust and hope. The ugly past had done its wicked job once again.

Not once had Chet looked at Ian with any expression other than disgust and anger. His entire focus had been on Arron, devotedly so. As the allowed memories became clearer, he could remember Chet’s green eyes had never left him. He was what mattered to Chet, the center of his attention… not the near-naked Ian. Arron admonished himself for the spike of jealousy he felt. Yeah, the guy was beautiful, but not too bright if he’d let Chet get away. He sure as hell didn’t deserve a guy like Chet. If anyone did, it was Arron. Yet he had just handed him to Ian on a silver platter, like he had made the choice, not Chet. And why the fuck did he do that?

He remembered Chet asking if he could call him and he had fucking brushed him off… ‘Maybe in a couple of days’, he’d said? God, he was so stupid. A picture came out of nowhere, one of Chet looking at him with a shocked pain on his face—why was that—shit, what had he done or said that caused such a look? Arron froze, the memory coming at him with a vengeance, and a new emotion entered the fray that existed in his mind. Shame. Chet had called him ‘baby’… and Arron had heartlessly said he ‘wasn’t his baby,' as if he couldn’t have cared less. Fuck, fuck, fuck! Arron did care. He cared so fucking much. In two days, not even, Chet had come to mean so much to him. It was as if their connection to one another transcended time. They had talked about love at first sight for Christ’s sake. That wasn’t something you do lightly. He had told complete strangers in the grocery store line-up that Chet was ‘his guy’, and he had felt real freedom in saying it. Wasn’t that a feeling worth fighting for?

I need you to trust me, Wolf. You’re the only one I care about—nothing here affects you and me—You’re making a mistake—Arron could hear Chet’s voice clearly now, winning the battle against his fear. He did trust him. Not only his gut, but his heart told him that. Maybe it wouldn’t turn out the way he wanted, but he had to take the chance, and he had to believe in the man. What should he do? How much time had passed since he’d walked away from the best thing that ever happened to him, and handed him over to Ian? One thing for sure, it was freezing inside his SUV, and Arron became aware of his shivering... a combination of the cold, and the trauma? Arron didn’t remember it happening, but it was dark outside. He had to make a decision. He knew he wanted to fight for a chance with Chet, but his mind wouldn’t co-operate with his need to figure out how to approach it.

I need you to trust me, wolf. Chet was telling him what to do, and had been all along… he just needed the courage to listen to it, and trust the man he wanted to be ‘his guy’. Opening up his car door, he steeled himself for what he might encounter. Even if Ian was there, he still had to try… he still had to fight for his chance. He wasn’t going to slink away, back to his lonely life. He had to let Chet know how he felt… even if it cost him his dignity… even if he found them together.

Trudging through the snow, he could barely feel his feet. Fear rose up in his throat like bile, but Arron swallowed it down, concentrating on the task at hand… winning his man back. Inside the entry door, the heat hit him with welcome force, and he contemplated what might be waiting for him at the top of the stairs. You could’ve heard a pin drop in the quietness of the entry. It upped his unease, while his body tried to absorb enough warmth to make it possible for him to climb the set of stairs. His legs didn’t seem to want to work now that he was here… he wasn’t sure if it was his legs or his mind rebelling at the short trek up, but he knew he had to do it. Fuck it. He was ready to battle if need be. In his mind’s eye, he had already lost Chet, so how could it get any worse. Ready for anything, he made the climb, picturing Chet’s face as he did so.

Standing at the alcove in front of Chet’s door, Arron knocked softly before he could retreat back inside his head again. There was no answer, and his heart sank. He knocked again, louder this time, and still no answer. It hadn’t occurred to him that they might have gone out. He hadn’t even noticed if the white Jeep was still in the parking lot. Or maybe Chet didn’t want to see him now. The fight that was in Arron a couple of minutes ago, now up and deserted him, and his legs folded under him as he slipped to the floor. Tears welled up in his eyes as he felt the frustration consume him. He was probably too late. His issues with trust had done him in once again and he had let Chet down in the process.

Getting up off the floor took all his effort, but he didn’t want anyone finding him like this, so he headed back down the stairs, conceding defeat. Maybe Chet would call him in a couple of days, like Arron had said he could. The thought of that didn’t sit well though. No way… that wasn’t good enough. He wasn’t going to wait a couple of days and allow distance to come between them. Standing on the landing he turned and looked back up toward Chet's door. Searching his coat pockets for his phone, he found it on the inside one. What if Chet was with Ian right now and he ended up interrupting them? What he wanted was to talk to Chet face to face. Indecision set in again, along with the doubts. Dammit, he was doing it again.

I need you to trust me, wolf.

A surge of energy went through Arron as he looked back up the stairs and followed his heart. He had to try one more time. Standing in front of the door once again, he knocked loud, much louder than before, and leaned his head against the door, exhaustion beginning to overcome him after that little surge.

This time the door opened, and he staggered forward a step as the support for his head was taken away. Startled, he found himself staring into sleep-filled, red-rimmed, leaf-colored eyes.

“Arron? What… what are you doing here? You, you left… you’re gone.”

“Chet… oh God, Chet, I’m so sorry. I’m here to fight for you.” It was useless to try and stop the tears as he looked into confused eyes.

“What do you mean-- fight for me? I don’t understand—fight who for me?” It was obvious the man had just woken up. He looked exhausted.

“Ian… I’m not letting him have you without a fight. I know I said you two should talk and maybe you had another chance, but he doesn’t deserve you. He’s the one who let you go. Is he… here?” Arron saw a flash of anger in Chet’s eyes before it was quickly replaced by something else.

“You’re a moron, do you know that?” A big sigh escaped from Chet, and Arron saw at that moment, just how terrible Chet looked. “Get your stupid ass in here would you? You look like shit, wolf.”

Arron felt instant joy course through him at being called ‘wolf’ again, but it came to an abrupt end when he witnessed the exasperated look on Chet’s haggard face. Arron could sense trouble.

“To answer your dumb fucking question, no, Ian is not here! And you should know better than to ask that,” the edge disappeared from his voice somewhat. “Before I say anything else, are you okay? Do you need anything?”

“I could really use something hot, if you don’t mind? I’m pretty cold.” Arron shivered on cue.

“Why are you so cold? Where did you go after you left me here?” There was an accusation there, and Arron heard it clear as a bell.

“I didn’t leave. I sat in my Highlander the whole time. I was ah… kind of messed up.”

Chet’s face showed some shock at that information as he divested Arron of his jacket, and led him to the front of the gas fireplace. Flipping the fan onto a higher speed, he wrapped a woolen throw around him and ordered him to sit. The much-needed heat felt fantastic but Arron’s focus was on the concerned face staring at him.

“Christ, that was almost two hours ago. Did you put the heat on, at least?” Seeing Arron shake his head caused a wave of remorse to hit Chet. “Dammit, I really fucked up didn’t I? I’m sorry, Arron, for what my stupidity put you through. We’re both a couple of idiots. Oh shit, your tea, I’m sorry, I forgot your tea. Mint okay?” Chet's question received a slight nod. Chet rushed to the kitchen, typically eager to please, while Arron laid back on the same comfortable rug he had sat on last night. Ian wasn’t here. Arron took great comfort in that thought and Chet’s reaction to the question. I need you to trust me, wolf.

Arron’s eyes opened wide at the whispered sound of his name from Chet’s lips. He stared into a face filled with caring… and that same adoration he had become accustomed to. His eyes filled up again with his emotions so close to the surface.

“Don’t worry, wolf, we’ll get there; now sit up and drink some tea. It’ll do you good.” Chet was right as the hot tea starting warming his insides instantly. Only a couple of tears had escaped. “Is that better?”

“Way better, thanks. I’m sorry about leaving today. I shouldn’t have done that… walked away from you….”

“Well, you didn’t actually leave, did you, and that counts for something, in my books anyway. But we have some things we need to talk about.”

Arron felt helpless to stop the apprehension from rising up and Chet was witness to it.

“See, that’s what I mean… you tend to jump to the wrong conclusion. We both have trust issues we need to work on and that's what we need to talk about. I know what you’re thinking, and I’m telling you once and for all, there is no Ian. He is a non-entity where you and I are concerned. The only person you have to fight for me, is yourself, okay? Ian left right after you did and he is never coming back, do you get that?” Arron nodded with relief at those words. “Even if there is no you and me, there will still be no Ian in my life. He is not what I want. He was just another song and dance.”

Arron felt remorse that he hadn’t given Chet his due, and kept his faith in him. “I know I have big trust issues, Chet, but I think I made a dent in some of them today. I kept hearing you say I needed to trust you and that’s what let me work through it. That’s why I made the decision to fight for us, because despite what the past has been telling me, I do trust you. I trust what I see in your handsome mug.” They exchanged little smiles at that. Chet obviously liked what he was hearing.

“That’s a great start, but there’s something I want to say, so bear with me. I saw how freaked out you got today, when we found Ian here, and I understand it… I do. I watched you pull away and close up on me, and I have a pretty good idea what or who you were thinking about. Correct me if I’m wrong, but you were reliving Dwayne’s betrayal, weren’t you?”

“Yes.” Nothing more needed to be said.

“Okay, I know you know this, but I’m going to say it anyway. I am not Dwayne, and I never could be. It’s not in me, Arron. If you doubt your feelings for me, I will accept that, but don’t ever doubt mine. Every word I’ve said to you has been the truth—I’d never cheat on you or leave you once we commit—the only way I would, is if you cheated on me, so you control our destiny. That’s a promise I am making to you here and now, but we have to trust one another completely, and I think I’m pretty much there. I’ve never felt this way about anyone else, ever. I don’t want to label it, but in my heart I know what it is. When you left today, everything dimmed. The pain fucking consumed me, and I don’t even remember Ian leaving. I know we talked some and I told him to never come back, but I don’t remember anything after that. I felt like I wanted to die. I don’t want to freak you out but I’m willing to commit to you right now, that’s how strongly I feel about you. Arron… you have to be in the same place. You have to be ready, and not because I am. That would be the wrong way to start something meaningful and lasting.”

Arron was stunned. Did Chet just tell him he loved him? It sure sounded like it. Those feelings he described were the same ones Arron had felt when he thought he had lost him. Was it too soon to commit? Who made up these rules anyway? The courage Chet was showing was unexpected but it really didn’t surprise him that he possessed that kind of strength. Was Arron worthy of that strength?

“I’m pretty sure I’m in love with you.” Arron had just taken the biggest leap of faith in his life, and he waited for the response. This wasn’t to impress Chet, but rather to free Arron from the grip of the past. He knew what he felt for this man was the real deal, just like he knew Chet was the real deal.

“Say that again, wolf.” The look on Chet’s face was unreadable to Arron.

“I know it’s crazy but I’m in love with you, Chet Little. I want to make that commitment. I don’t care if it’s too early by someone else’s standards because I know what I feel, and this isn’t a crush, and it isn’t going to change. I choose to trust what’s in my heart, and I’m not afraid to label it, so put your money where your mouth is, green eyes.” Arron’s declaration increased his heart rate and his nerves immensely, but Chet was quick to reassure him.

“I love you too, Arron Bailey, so consider yourself committed. I was afraid to say it… I didn’t want to scare you away. I had a taste of losing you today, and I never want to feel that way again. Thank you for having the guts to put yourself out there for us.” There was no doubting the love in the look he gave Arron.

“I don’t ever want to feel that way again either… I actually hyperventilated, it hurt so much. It was hearing your words and seeing your face that got me through it. I’ve never wanted anything as much as I want this… you and me.”

“We’re quite the pair aren’t we?” Chet leaned over and gave Arron a soft, gentle kiss, sealing the new deal between them, as he pulled their bodies closer together. Their close contact was what both of them had desperately needed.

“Don’t you mean we’re quite the couple?” Arron’s eyes were twinkling.

Chet laughed out of sheer joy and Arron joined him. “Yes, Officer, I stand corrected… that’s exactly what I mean.”