A New Life ....Across The World - 1. One Year Later

What will Kunj's last day at home be like? Definitely nothing like he expected

1 Year Later....

"Did you pack your underwear?" Ma asked.

"Ma!" I said flabbergasted. “I am not a kid anymore. I’m 22 now, and can take care of myself quite well."

She was about to go through my luggage, I could totally see it. "No, Ma! You don't need to check. I packed everything I require and I don't need you messing it up. Besides I am going to Canada, I know what I am doing."

Ma looked up at me. At 5'6", she's quite shorter than my 5'11”. " That is why I am so worried. I don't want you to be troubled if you forget something now. You might not even get it there, and I wouldn't be there either if you need something."

When I rolled my eyes at that she said, "You might as well grow into a 70-year cranky old man, but I would still see you as a baby, because every time I look at you I only see a 7-month old baby crawling towards me. Now let me see what you've packed.”

Knowing that she will never be at peace if she doesn't see for herself, I just moved out of the way and let her do the ...whatever she calls it. While unpacking, she asked "Kunj, don't get angry but I want to ask you something.”

Okaaay, every time she says that I get asked something that makes me either really angry or really sad or leaves me really offended. Nonetheless, I told her to go ahead.

"The other day, when I and your papa were talking, he said that you might not like women that much," she said slowly. "Don't worry, it's okay if you don’t."

What?! How did she know? I mean how did Papa know and how does he feel about it? Where did I give out? Are they now going to stop me from going? Please, God! Don't do this to me now! I can't stay here, I'll die! I have to do make her believe everything's all right. Maybe if I pretend I didn't hear her, she might leave it alone.

"Kunj?"

Fat chance of that happening. What to say? What to say? Lie! No! Don't lie! I never lie convincingly. She will see right through it! Tell her the truth! I mean half-truth.

With as much as confidence as I could muster up I said, "I do like women Ma. Where do you get such ideas?"

"You know, your father said he has recently started to notice you don't really look at women like you are supposed to. And I myself noticed you generally seem to be lost in your own world.”

"Ma, I am going to leave for Canada tomorrow. Over the past year, I have been preparing for it. Preparing and taking required tests, applying for universities as well as doing a job takes a lot of time and concentration. I didn't even go to any movies the past year, did I?”

She shook her head in reply.

“I don't need a distraction in my life right now. I want to become something in my life right now, and I want to go through this journey without your help which is why I’m moving to Canada.”

She nodded her approval "So, what will you do if you meet the special someone there?"

"We'll see when it happens." I started packing my stuff again. "I'll miss you so much in Canada," I added.

"Don't worry Kunj, we'll talk on Skype every day. It will be the same, won’t it?" she replied. I know that she's just trying to put on a brave front but she hasn't been very successful. In fact, I don't know how I'll live with her staying so far from me. I will really miss our little inside jokes. I stood up and hugged her really tight, just like I did as a child.

"No need to worry son, we might not be in physical proximity but we'll still stay in each other's hearts. So, the distance between us remains same" she smiled.

"I find it quite unnerving sometimes how you manage to know what I am thinking," I said feeling better than before.

"It's a mom's thing son. I'll just know," she paused and peeked outside the room "Oh! Listen, I am telling this right now. I will be really happy if you date someone in Canada but I wouldn't approve unless I find him a good, understanding and caring person who will take good care of you. And he should also know the value of money and should not spend too much on unnecessary things. I hope you would give me a good son in law unlike your sister and ...."

"Wait a minute!" I interrupted her "Did you just say son in law again? You have been too obsessed with Di^*'s marriage, Ma. She's already married."

"Stop teasing me, Kunj! Neither am I obsessed with her marriage nor am I thinking about her right now," she chastised me. "I am talking about you and your future. I want you to be a successful person in both your personal and professional life. That includes you getting a good life partner. And I expect a son in law because you like men,” she added coolly.

My mouth dropped in shock. Did she just say that she knows that I'm gay? She even implied to be okay with that. Okay wait! She might be just testing to see what my reaction will be, or she might be just joking! If I acknowledge it, I might out myself. No, this cannot happen again. I should do something, or maybe I shouldn't do anything or may be if I said that….

Ma closed my jaw "Close your mouth Kunj, it’s open wide enough for everything to go inside and stop plotting in your mind. I know when you are. To answer your question or rather questions, I know you are gay. I've had suspicions for a long time, but got them confirmed yesterday when Sharath's father called me and told me you used his son and converted him into your perverted ways."

Oh shit! Sharath's parents found out? They are even more orthodox than uncle and aunt! No wonder he told, at least he will get a lesser ill-treatment. I told him he needs to get away for his good, but he doesn't want to leave his family. It will do him no good if he stays here.

"They have been abusing him for nearly 2-3 months. Trying to take him to various doctors and temples, to cure him of his illness. They are doing really wrong. At this rate, they'll end up losing him."

When, my eyes widened at that, she quickly clarified "No, not like that! But they will lose relation with him."

“Okay, I understand that, but what about me? I mean, about what you said before. Why are you okay with that? Not that you shouldn't be, but why is that okay?”

She smiled warmly. "Kunj, when I was around 16 your grandfather worked in the states for nearly a year. Our neighbours were from a religious background. They had a son of about my age. He was a really nice boy, Gentle, caring, respectful towards elders and loving towards the younger ones. We went to the same school and became good friends. One day I saw him kissing another boy in their garage, I immediately told his parents. I saw only one thing in his eyes then, they said I betrayed him."

She started tearing up. "He was then beaten regularly, taken to churches, conversion camps and aversion therapies. He stopped talking to me after that. Every time we came across each other. he just went away silently. One day I found a note from him in my locker, which read, I forgive you for everything. The next morning, he killed himself. I saw how his mother was crying. She looked at me with such hatred when I attended his funeral. She told me she would never forgive me for killing her son."

Tears started flowing from my eyes.

"She was right Kunj, if I haven't said anything his father couldn't have done all those abusive things to him. I made someone kill themselves. I deserve only punishment not forgiveness, but I was already forgiven! Never have I ever thought that forgiveness could be so painful. It used to bear down on me. Every day! Every single day, I used to think of what I had done. I used to fear I would lose my kids the same way."

She burst into tears and started crying vigorously. I started crying and pulled her into a comforting hug. "Don't cry, Ma, Don't cry."

She slowly regained her composure and started again. "Even though I got married and had children, I couldn't get it out of my mind. Then you were born. By then, we had been well settled and I was able to get some time for myself. I got to spent more time with you than any of your brothers and sisters. You were my salvation. Spending time with you, I redeemed my mistakes and promised myself that I would never judge my children based on something that's not in their control. I would love them just the same. All I wanted for my children was for them to be good, kind hearted and accepting people," she sighed.

"Unfortunately, your brothers and sister have turned into selfish, heartless, manipulative, judgemental and intolerant people. They are still quite successful in their lives, so I don't have to worry about them. I always kept an eye on you. I saw your search history and .... I didn’t know you were in to older men.” she gave me a wicked grin.

Even with my dark complexion, I am pretty sure my face is red due to embarrassment. "Ma! You can't say stuff like that!" I exclaimed. "It feels naughty."

"If something sounds naughty, it probably is." she gave a chuckle and started ruffling my hair.

"Don't do that! It'll look bad." I smiled before turning serious. "Ma, can I ask you something?" When she nodded I continued "What was the name of the person you told me about?"

"Kunj."

When I looked at her expectantly she continued. "Yes, I named you after him ....and your dad doesn't know about this."

"People do a lot of mistakes, Ma, some big and some small, but those accept them are quite rare and really brave. You are one of them. You accepted your mistakes and redeemed yourself. You have always been my role model, Ma. I may have been born when our family was well off, but I have always been told by grandma how hard you worked to get our family to this position. I have always worried that I could never be the son you deserved, but ...."

"Don't you think for one moment that I would ever be ashamed of you. You are my pride and joy," she chastised me, "I would never give you up for anything. I wish I could say that I am proud of your siblings as well, but unfortunately I am not. I don’t like the persons they turned out to be today. Anyways, we should go to the temple to seek blessings for you. Get ready."

"Where?" The tone in which she spoke told me it was going to be something crazy.

"Akshardham!" she said excitedly. She's just like a kid when it comes to temples.

"What? Why there?" I was quite confused. I mean, why do we need to pay to see God? Isn't it more important to just pray wholeheartedly than anything else if we want God’s blessings?

"Because, you get to see many gods there." She winked at me while checking her phone.

"Maaa!" I tried to whine but she was having none of it. She pointed a finger towards the bathroom and left the room.

An hour later, I was waiting in the line for tickets when a fly decided it was a perfect time to bug me. I tried to shoo it away by waving my hands wildly around and in the process I smacked the person in front of me .... pretty hard. His bag fell down, along with all the contents in it. Ouch! My hand hurt.

"I'm so sorry! I'm so sorry! ...." I kept repeating, as I helped to gather all the items. I looked up at the person and was left dumbfounded. While I could recognize the person in front of me, he was in fact barely recognizable. Gone was the person who had a healthy face, which was enhanced by a beautiful smile. The person in front of me just felt empty somehow. His hair was too short, it looked like his head was shaved recently. His fair complexioned was marred with red and purple scars all over, along with a swollen lip. His upper lip was cut and was slightly bleeding. Most prominent was the dark purple circle around his right eye.

"Sharath!?"

He let out a hollow laugh and gave me a hug. "Can we talk?" I could hear trepidation in his voice. “I mean, if it’s okay with you?” he added quickly.

“It’s no problem,” I assured him. “Though we may need to wait until we have some privacy. Stay with me, we’ll talk after I drop my ma home.”

After the tickets were taken, the darshan* took place quite quickly and we were soon out. Sharath went to the parking lot with us, and ma looked at me questioningly. I nodded in affirmation.

@@@@@

We had dropped Ma home and are now sitting on the lawns in front of the India Gate.

“Thank you for coming,” he started. “I’ve been quite lonely for the past year.”

“I heard what happened to you. I’m really sorry for that.” I was really feeling sorry looking at him.

He waved his hand at that. “Don’t worry about that. It wasn’t your fault. It wasn’t mine either.” A small tear appeared his eye. He brushed it off angrily “You were right Kunj. I should not have grown so attached to my family, but I have always thought that they are my parents after all and they would accept me no matter what. I was wrong! They cared more for their reputation than their son’s happiness. They didn’t even think about how I would feel when … when … whe….”

He started hiccupping and when I looked at him, a steady stream of tears had already wetted his face. My heart went to him, and I pulled him into a hug, not caring about who will see or what they’ll think. He started crying vigorously.

“Why did they do it to me? Why? Do they care more about their beliefs than my feelings? Am I nothing to them? If I can’t trust my own parents, then whom should I trust? Now I feel like an orphan. In fact, worse because my own mother looked at me with hatred in her eyes.”

Seeing him like this started to bring tears to my eyes. I tried to stay calm and spoke in a soothing tone. “Sharath, you cannot change what happened. Even after all this, you’re still alive right? As long as you’re standing, you’re supposed to fight. Fight for happiness, because if you’re not happy with your life then what matters? I am not going to Canada to find a boyfriend, or to have an easier sex life. I am going to search for my happiness. And I will keep searching until I find it. It may not even exist in Canada, but I am just starting my journey.”

He looked at me with questioning eyes, “So do you think that your happiness doesn’t lie with your family here.”

“I love my family a lot. Especially my ma. I will miss her terribly when I leave, but I know that my happiness is not here. Sometimes you have to let your loved ones go, for both your good and theirs. I’m not leaving them, I’m just moving away,” I explained. “My mother will still be close to me, even when we’re separated by several thousands of miles, because we love each other.”

“Unlike mine!” this time I heard anger in his voice. “All these years I’ve been thinking about them, and they proved that I am nothing to them but only a figure of prestige. They had been happy with me when I did as they wanted me to, but when they find out I’m gay and that messes up their plans to for me to marry, have an heir and take over the family business, they don’t care if I get raped to make me straight.”

Did he just say rape? No! that can’t be possible right? No parent would do that to their own child. As if he read my thoughts, he said “Oh yes! They sure did. My own dad and mom held me down while I was raped by my cousin. My resistance earned these.” He pointed to the scars on his face. “It hurt so much. No, not these, but the ones inside. I actually had to force myself to have sex with her to have them stop. Now they have fixed my marriage with her.”

“But you are gay! How will you marry a woman?” The words were out of my mouth even before I thought of them.

“I’m not.” He gave a crooked smile. “This coming weekend, I will be going to board a flight to London. I’ve applied for higher studies there.”

“And your parents agreed?”

“They wouldn’t have, had they known,” he said with a mischievous glint in his eyes. For a moment, I felt like I am seeing the old Sharath there. “I applied in secret when I realized that things were going bad. I never expected things to get so bad. I actually got a scholarship that does full funding of my degree.”

“That’s really great. I’m happy for you,” I said placing my hand upon his. I was genuinely happy for him, that he’s going to get away from the hell he called home.

We talked some more, and I promised to stay in touch. This was a promise I intended to keep. He went through a lot of things, and I wasn’t there for him then. He told me to not feel guilty about that, but I couldn’t help it. I dropped him about two streets away from his house. I didn’t want to risk his parents seeing him with me, especially when he was about to leave.

@@@@@

I came home to find Karan and Sam sitting in my bedroom. “What are you two doing here?” I asked, acting confused.

“Weelll, my dear cousin is going away to a different country. I may not be able to meet him for a long time. So, I wanted to spend some time with him so I dropped by early.” He gave a lopsided grin “Besides, this house is my aunt’s, and I can come here whenever I wish.”

“Okaay! Then what’s your wife doing here?” I said pointing towards Sam.

She smacked me behind my head, and said in a playful tone “Give me some respect, I am now your sister in law.” Both of us fell over laughing over on that. “Still, I am your friend as well, and I have every right to send you off.”

I should tell you a little bit about Karan and Sam here. Karan is my uncle’s son. He’s two years older than me and Sam. Samantha was our neighbour. We grew up together, and they were closer to me than my own siblings. Despite of me being younger than them, I was always treated as an equal and loved the same. Sam and Karan fell in love as they grew older, and got married recently. I have always told them my secrets. Well not all of them. In spite of everything, I was always accepted by both of them, and I couldn’t see a reason why I wouldn’t be accepted now. Besides, I got a huge confidence boost from Ma’s acceptance.

“I need to tell you something.” I said apprehensively. Karan was looking at my university admission forms, while Sam was doing a recheck of all my belongings, which I packed away quite neatly.

Telling someone was really hard. I closed my eyes and said “I am gay.” I was too afraid to open them. I opened one eye and peeked. Karan was looking at me with a confused expression and Sam was looking with wide eyes. Shit, Karan didn’t get it.

“What do you mean you’re gay?” He asked with confusion in his voice.

“As in I like men,” I replied “…. Sexually,” the last part was nothing more than a whisper.

“Great joke,” he said in an unamused tone. “I can’t contain myself anymore. I might die of laughter any moment.”

“Karan, he’s saying the truth.” Sam told him slowly.

“OH MY GOD!” he yelled startling us both. “You’re not joking. You really are attracted to …ugh.” He pulled me up taking my hand “We have to get you to a psychiatrist. We’ll need to cure you.”

“Karan! I am just fine! I don’t need to be treated! Just leave me.” I held on to the door frame, while trying to get him to let go of my hand. He tickled my armpit, and I lost my hold on the door frame.

“Karan! Karan, leave him!” Sam stopped him, while trying to disengage his hand from mine. “He needs to catch a flight in 2 hours.”

“No, he doesn’t! He needs to be treated immediately!” Karan yelled, dragging me to the car. He pushed me into the car and went onto the other side to get inside. I just was getting out of the car when I heard a slap. I hurried out and saw Karan holding his cheek, with a shocked expression on his face.

“Kunj doesn’t need to be fixed or cured! You do! Can’t you see how must trust he needed to tell you this secret of his? Don’t you understand how much pain he must have gone through all these years? You always told me that something was bothering Kunj, and wanted to see him happy. Didn’t you?” When he nodded yes she continued, “Then why are you trying to destroy everything he has been trying to build? Do you even know what will happen if your uncle gets to know this?”

“I just want him to be happy without facing any difficulties in his life.” He yelled and stormed away.

Sam looked at me and smiled “He’ll be back soon.”

“I know.” I smiled in return. “He wouldn’t turn his back at me, but I am quite surprised by your reaction. How are you so accepting?”

We started to walk back into the house, “I have a cousin in Canada who’s a lesbian. We’re quite close. She and her partner even came to our wedding.”

“Where does she live?” I asked enthusiastically.

“Vancouver.” She said amused, “I would have told her to take care of you if she lived closer, though she and my aunt invited you to visit them during school break.”

At that very moment, the door sounded. Ma and Papa were back. Papa went to get the bags, while Ma handed me a bag containing bathing soaps, shampoos, tooth brush, some body moisturisers, a sweater, blanket and a travel pillow. “Where’s Karan?” she asked.

While Sam and I looked at each other, Karan entered at that very moment “I’m here!”

“What were you doing outside? Where have you been?” Ma asked.

“I went to get him these.” He handed me a box of Ferrero Rochers. Those are my favourite. He gives these to me every time I get angry with him, or when he does something stupid. That’s his way of apologizing. So, I guess we’re going to be fine.

30 hours later

“Excuse me?” the Air Hostess’ brought me out of my reverie. “We are going to land soon. Kindly fasten your seat belts.” She flashed one of those weird artificial smiles.

“Sure.” I said and put it on. I am soon going to plant my foot on Canadian soil for the first time in my life. I am hoping to find my happiness here. Canada! Here I come.