Damaged - 1. Chapter 1

The song played at the Trading Post in Trego, Montana, sung by the late Dean Martin, about the weather outside being frightful and to let it snow didn’t have the appeal it would have, if it snowed like they said it was going to. And it was going to. Well, “Old Man” was living up to that song. It was snowing and it was predicted there would be a whole lot more as the front moved through. It was one of those slow-moving fronts and Old Man, as the locals believed and called God, himself knew how long the blizzard would last. Days? A week? This was the Northern Rockies. Merry Christmas. Trego was still a Trading Post but now looked more like a Souvenir store. And it was a Souvenir Store. For the many tourists that came to this area for the great snow and ski resorts, it had the assorted trinkets, the dream catchers, tomahawks, drums, none authentic, and assorted other items Tourists expected to find. I was white, but a local. For five years I’d lived here. I was still adjusting. A Southern boy that got tired of that steamy, hot weather. I hated those suffocating waves of heat. And having some things I rather avoid, I headed up here. Fell in love with the area and its people and stayed. I was one of a few that were almost hermits that lived up here. Isolated. That was what I liked. Sally Crenshaw came with the last of my supplies. It was almost Christmas and her festive sweater had a snow scene and Rudolph with a blinking nose.

“Okay. The containers of ultra-pasteurized milk, candles, and mail.” She reported, putting the few things in a crate. She smiled at me. Always cheerful, peppy and then she frowned at me. “I worry about you.”

“Why?” I asked, but very familiar with what she was going to say. “I’m fine.”

“Eric Carson, you’re up there all alone.” Sally protested her old song I heard hundreds of times before.

“I’m not alone. I have Koot.” I thumbed back at the very large gray wolf who waited patiently.

Sally’s frown grew looking at the wolf. “Your wolf.”

Koot was a very large gray wolf. One of the biggest I’d seen or heard about. Over two hundred pounds of wolf. Huge! He was more frightening by appearance than actually was.

I grinned at her. Sally’s father was white. Her mother was Pigean. The tribe that lived in this part of North America and Canada. “Well, he’s his own wolf. It’s his choice to stay with me.”

Koot’s ears moved, knowing he was the subject of conversation.

“He’s not human.” Sally protested. “You’re up there all alone. You can find someone up here who would be glad to keep you company. And safe.”

I nodded. “I like it by myself.” I got the crate. “Koot’s good company. He doesn’t judge and is an excellent listener. And he talks back, in his way.”

Koot had been found by me four years ago. Orphaned as a pup in the Kootenai National Forest. I rescued him, but in reality, he rescued me. Thus the name Koot. And I had to be careful when he would come into the store with me now. I’d call Sally ahead and she’d open for me. One day about a year ago, a child rushed in and was thrilled to see the “big doggie.” The mother of the child knew it wasn’t a dog and screamed. She made a stink about wild animals allowed in shops with people.

“He’s no threat. That’s because who he spends time with is kin to the forest.” A voice said behind us. “That is why he is loyal to Eric and his friends and always knows what Eric’s saying.” He set the woman straight on her complaint. “He sees Eric as the Alpha and kin.” But as far the hysterical woman with the child, he stated that she should avoid trips to the “wilds” as this was where the wild animals have their homes. But I wasn’t going to push it again.

I looked back. “Hi, Walter.” Walter Old Person was not old, but that was his last name. Truth was, he was sort of a mystic. He was a law enforcement officer, sheriff, and a tribal elder. He had sight no one could explain. He was descended from a man that was Ni-namp-skan. A shaman who passed his ability to see things to his grandson. And he did often blow me away at his insight. The truth was Walter was a very handsome man, but married.

“Koot feels the connection with you,” Walter said to me simply.

“Well, he isn’t a wife or husband.” Sally put firmly.

“Neither of which I’m looking for,” I said with a sad grin. “Unless you’re interested in changing that status,” I said to Sally. She was twenty years my senior.

She smiled. “My husband would object.”

I sighed. “See? The ones I’d trust are taken. Even you, Walter. I fell for you years ago, but no.”

“My husband would object, too.” Walter grinned. “You won’t be alone for long.”

I looked at him. He was doing it again. It was in his voice. That mystic, I’m not telling, but know something, tone. “Well, it’s not changing for a while. I need to get up the mountain. That front will be here at midnight. Maybe before. My snowcat will be fine, but I need to go. It will be slow going back.”

“Radio me when you get there,” Sally said.

Cellphones were great devices, but there were so many dead zones here. We had a radio network that I and others that lived like me out there kept in touch by.

“I will.” I nodded and headed to the door. Koot wasn’t moving. “Stay if you want, I know it’s warm in here, but I’m going home, Koot,” I said without looking.

Koot did have an uncanny knack of knowing what I was saying, followed me to my snowcat and it could traverse the snowiest paths with those tank-like treads. It was only thirty miles away, but the roads would be disappearing soon if not gone already. It was snowing harder now.

You didn’t go very fast in this weather, slow and steady. If not careful, even the snowcat with its treads can get turned over and I’d be in sorry shape with no help available. What could be less than an hour was two or three hours at the speeds I dared go now. Ten to fifteen miles an hour. I lived just northwest of Trego and I knew the route well after these few years. But even I can make a mistake. In the Summer it was an easy trip. There was a trail you could take that made the trip fifteen miles, but it was snow covered, mountainous and rocky. I had to pay attention. Visibility was lessening more and more. Slower than before. It was that attention that got me when I saw a truck off the road. The caution lights blinking. I felt a cold dread at seeing the truck and Texas license plate. He was probably trying to get to 93, which you could, but he’d run off the road and now was stuck in a snowbank. This was not the time to explore. This weather could kill you. Normally it would have been best to stay in the vehicle, but this snow was going to get worse, even a truck filled with gas wouldn’t last but a day or so. I didn’t know what this person knew about this weather in northern Montana. I pulled to a stop and rushed to the cab of the truck to see who was in it. No one.

“Damn.” I muttered. Knowing I hadn’t seen anyone on the way here, he must have gone the wrong way. But in these conditions, any way chosen would have been the wrong way. I turned the lights off. Not that it would save the truck, it would be dead soon anyway. I searched the glove box. Pulled down the visor and saw a registration. “Benjamin Johnson, Fort Worth, Texas.” I cursed again. “You shouldn’t be in this snow, Ben. You shouldn’t be on the road at all.” I hurried back to the snowcat. I knew that dogs and wolves had a lot in common. But, again, Koot was not a dog. I knew that. But occasionally, he would help. If he wanted to. “Hey, big guy. I need you to do a favor if you could. Can you sniff out the man from that truck? You’ll get a big steak if you can.”

Koot looked at me, then at the truck. Then got out. He got in as I opened to truck door. He sniffed around. I took a piece of I guessed was a t-shirt and held it for him to sniff. Another thing, wolves don’t bark. They do in adolescence, but not as adults and he was more adult now. Koot whined a bit, then launched down the road in the direction I had been heading. Away from civilization and away from help.

“Jesus.” And that was not taking the Lord’s name in vain, but a prayer. “Come on back, Koot. We’ll ride.”

When I got back in the snowcat I pulled my microphone for the radio I had. “Lonewolf to Mamasally. Come in Mamasally.”

After a moment. “Mamasally. You’re not home, Lonewolf.” It was a statement. The power of the snowcat’s radio was much weaker than my home one so she knew something was up due to the weakness of the signal and the short time I called from when I left.

“I found a truck. A blue Ford F250. Registered to a Benjamin Johnson from Fort Worth, Texas. His blinkers on, so it wasn’t too long ago. No one in the cab.”

“Shit,” Sally commented. She knew the trouble this person was in. For anyone out in this weather, it was fatal.

“He’s heading away from Trego. I’ll look on the way, but if I don’t find him….”

“Radio if you do,” Sally said. “I’ll let Sheriff Old Person know. And call when you get home.”

“I will,” I said. “Lonewolf out.”

So, I began slowly. Slower than I wanted to go, but so I wouldn’t overlook anyone. I still could, it was nearly blinding out there. There were isolated peoples out here and if you didn’t know where you’d never just happen on them. Most were miles off the main road. And the main road was disappearing more and more as the snow was coming down more. It was below freezing now and would drop a lot more tonight.

It was nearly an hour more when Koot whined again and started fidgeting. That’s when I saw a figure in the snow on the roadside. My fear was it was too late. I got out and rushed to the figure. Rolling him on his back. This was a big man.

“Mr. Johnson,” I called. “Can you hear me?” I asked and pulled my gloves off. I felt his corroded pulse. It was faint, but I got one. I sighed with relief, but we still had to get out this freezing weather. His pulse was very slow. He was dressed in a shirt and a jacket, but that jacket wasn’t thick enough to survive the night. His ungloved hands were beneath his armpits was almost involuntary. His several days of unshaven face was covered in white from the snow and ice. “I’m getting you out of here,” I told him and lifted him in a fireman’s carry. Which was no easy task. I was no weakling, but he was heavy. Koot rushing around watching me deal with our guest. I put the man on the passenger side of the snowcat and went back in. Now, the man was awake, but couldn’t say anything. He was too cold. Turning the heat vents on him, I reached for my first aid kit. You never went anywhere around here without that. “I need to get you warmed up. Was there anyone else with you?” I asked.

He just shakily shook his head.

I had been a combat medic in the Air Force, so I knew some basics I had to do. Basically an LPN level of care. But this was first aid in the wilderness. Simple things were all I could do. He had on jeans, but that wouldn’t have been enough. Even if he had on longjohns, it wouldn’t have been enough. I guessed he’d been walking a half an hour before he collapsed.

“I’d like to get some warm IV going, but I don’t have that,” I explained. “I’ll have to improvise.” I opened his jacket. “I’m not robbing you, I just need to see,” I explained as I felt his sides and knew his core temperature was nearly at the bottom. That’s why he couldn’t speak. He would have lost consciousness in a few minutes more. I pulled his wallet and checked his ID. His license and a Geneva Convention card. A veteran’s ID. “Major Benjamin Johnson. US Army.” I nodded. “Okay, Major. I’m getting you out of here. But first.” I took out some warming packs. You always had those out here. You had to. I broke the insides and placed one under each armpit which his hands held, and one between his legs at the crotch. Koot whined and sniffed the man’s face. “It’s okay, Koot. We’ve got him. Good job, buddy.” I patted his head and turned back to the controls and started the snowcat again. I called Sally to let her know I had him. It was almost another hour before we got to my cabin. Now it was really snowing. The air in front of the lights of the snowcat was almost all white. Parking the snowcat, I opened the front door and inner door. And fireman carried Ben inside over my shoulders. Koot came in behind us. Now Ben was shivering. Violently. He had warmed enough to do that. I closed the front door quickly and carried him in the only other room. The cabin had three rooms, sort of. There was the main room. A stone fireplace on the left. A kitchen beyond that. And a bathroom/closet off to the left beyond the fireplace. The second room had large claw bathtub where a man could stretch out if he wanted, more than large enough for him. There was a large wood stove beside it. I did have electricity and a hot water heater that was still working. But for now, I just dumped him in careful he didn’t bump his head and turned the water on. I took his hiking boots off carefully. “Even the cold water is probably warm to you right now. But, I need to secure my snowcat, I’ll be right back.” Koot remained to watch our guest. Securing the snowcat, I was back in a few minutes. “With that storm coming, I didn’t have time to get you back to Trego and I couldn’t get help. So, I brought you to my cabin.” I began a fire in the wood stove and it was cold in here, but it probably felt warm to my guest. “Your clothes will have to stay on until I get your temperature comes up. If I tried to take them off, I could rip your skin with the clothes as perspiration froze the clothes to your skin if you exerted yourself at all.” I got my oral thermometer and took his temp, he managed not to bite my thermometer. Thank god for digital thermometers, they take only seconds. He was borderline at 96. His body had begun shutting down, conserving heat for his heart and lungs. I needed it to come up more. I let some of the water out and turned the hot water on a little. “I need to raise your body temperature a little at a time. Too much could send you into shock, Major.”

“B.B.ben.” He stuttered, still too cold.

I smiled. “Okay, Ben. The name’s Eric Carson. This is Koot.”

Ben had deep brown eyes that went to Koot. “W.w.wolf?”

I nodded. “Yes, he is.” Again, Koot knew when he was being talked about. “Koot’s been my friend for four years, five this Summer. The only thing he attacks is the steak I give him.” Then looking at Ben. “So, unless you attack me, he won’t attack you. Wolves are very territorial. He and I are a pack.”

Ben nodded. “N.n.nev..er.” He attempted a smile. He was a handsome man. In his late thirties or early forties. But this was a rescue, not a date. I pulled his jacket off.

“I need to let Sally know I have you.” I said. “She’s the den mother of all of us out here. She worries about all of us. Me in particular.” So I called her and promised to let her know more as I find it.

Coming back in the bathroom, I saw his hands were lowering and he wasn’t shivering as hard anymore. I let some more water out and turned the hot water on more. “I have a large hot water heater. So, don’t worry about that. But I will have to cut those pants off. They’re too tight and wet.”

“No problem.” Ben said softly. Then he looked at me. “You saved my life.”

I nodded. “I did.” No use in making it sound like it was no big deal. It was a big deal! He was going to die if I hadn’t come along. I got a pair of dressing shears. Scissors that had a flat end to slide under dressings or clothing. It was hard, but I cut up the left side and right side of the jeans. The shirt I could just pull off. He was starting to pink up. I looked at his hands, legs….no white patches, especially between his fingers. So I knew his core temperature was rising. I still needed to check his feet and between the toes. Those possible white patches meant frostbite. I got the jeans and longjohns off and tossed them with a wet “thock” in front of the iron heater. He still had on briefs. “Do you like hot chocolate?” I motioned to him. “I would like to warm you from the inside. That will help.”

“Sure.” Ben smiled.

I got a thing of milk and put it in a pot, got some chocolate sprinkles and put some in. Then came back.

He had taken his underwear off and was naked in the tub and I tried not to look. I also didn’t look at his chest of black hair over pretty well-maintained muscles. He was turning the heat on more.

“Careful.” I warned. “As your body warms up. Your blood will rush to your other organs. As things start returning….”

“I gotta pee.” Ben said a little more urgent than a person usually does. “Badly.”

I nodded. “I was just warning you. You won’t be steady yet. I’ll help you up.” I did help him up. He was bigger than I was, I was five inches and ten inches. He was well over six feet. Five or six inches over six feet. Then I heard the stream and he relieved himself.

“I’m sorry I caused so much trouble. I was going to Calgary.” Ben told me. “Then I lost control and ended up in that ditch. I couldn’t get out.”

“You’re alive.” I pointed out. “Is anyone expecting you in Calgary?”

“No.” He said as I helped him back in the tub. “I’m alone. I’ll be out of your hair at first light.”

I chuckled. “That may not be for a while.”

“Why?”

“There is a blizzard,” I explained. “It may be days before it passes. Then it will take a few days to clear the roads. You could be here a while.” I sighed. “I guess you’ll be a guest for that time. Of me and Koot’s.”

“I’ll pay you back. I swear.” Ben said vehemently.

I pulled a stool up next to the tub. “Don’t worry about it. I have months of supplies here. You’ll have plenty to eat. A warm cabin. I’m pretty self-sufficient. The storms that come through can be hard, but I’m ready.”

Ben looked sheepish. “But another mouth.”

“You like venison?” I asked.

“Sure.”

“I’ll make us some venison stew.” I pointed to Koot. “I need to put his steak out. That was his reward for finding you.” I took the pot down and gave him some of the hot chocolate. One more time, Koot isn’t a dog, but he did like being treated like one, occasionally. I scratched the place between his ears. “In the meantime, drink this. It’ll warm you up.”

He sipped and nodded. “This is good.” He grinned. “I detect a slight Southern accent from you. You’re not local.”

“Guilty,” I admitted. “Originally from Charleston, South Carolina. I wanted to get out of the heat.”

“I’d say you did.” Ben chuckled. “Went the extreme the other way.”

“I can always put more on, or build a fire to counter the cold. But you can’t do much about the heat except turn down the air conditioner. Until they invent a good one to wear. I’ll take the cold.” I looked at his hair. That was not 35-10 regulation for the military. “When did you get out?”

Ben sighed. “Six months ago. I did three tours in the Middle East.” He looked at me. “You were in?”

“Yes. Only one tour for me.” I said. “I was a medic. The rest was stateside.”

Ben nodded. “What branch?”

“Air Force.”

Ben nodded again. “Since you called me Major, you know I was Army.”

“Yep.” I nodded. He was pinking up just fine. “Well, I think you’ll be okay.” I looked at his jeans on the floor. “I only have a few things that will fit you. I have some warm-up pants that will fit. A few shirts.”

“Whatever you have will be fine. You’ve done a lot for me. I’m grateful.”

I nodded. “There’s soap over there. Shampoo. There are towels. You should be warm enough if we don’t go outside. I do have something if we do.”

I put out a thick steak out for Koot in a plate by the wood stove. This way it would warm up. I was always cutting wood and there was plenty around. I put the pot of stew on then Sally called.

“Mamasally to Lonewolf.”

Everything was neatly arranged, a simple stretch of my arm I answered. “Lonewolf.”

“Is he nearby?” She almost whispered in case Ben could hear.

“He’s bathing. No.” I didn’t like what she sounded like. “Is there a problem?” I was thinking he was a criminal or something. It was very possible but I didn't think so. All things were possible.

“He’s a veteran. He checked out AMA from the hospital at Fort Hood.”

“And?”

“From the Mental Hospital.”

And there was the other shoe to fall. “If he were an escapee, or if he were a danger to himself or others that would be something to worry about. But since he signed himself out and able to do so, even if it was Against Medical Advice. That’s another story. He’ll be fine.”

“Maybe, but you’re up there. Alone.”

“I’ll be fine. Stop worrying. Koot will protect me.” I said. “Lonewolf out.”

“I have PTSD,” Ben said from the bathroom door. “Night terrors.”

I turned. As he had no clothes to put on, the towel he didn’t bother to cover with, just dried his hair. Why should he? I’d seen it all. Besides, we were former military men. Communal showers and nudity were no big deal. He was indeed a big man. He wasn’t fat at all. No beginnings of a pot belly. As before, he didn’t have the washboard abs, but… the word for him would be thick. “I figured as much. So, I should expect problems tonight?”

He shrugged. “I never know.”

I smiled. “It’s okay, Ben. We’ll be fine.”

Ben grinned, but he wasn’t too sure about it. “You say that quickly. But it terrifies me.”

I nodded. “I’m sure it does. I have no idea what horrors you saw, but what I saw still haunts me. I was not a therapist. Nor will I try to be a therapist for you. But I can be a friend. I’ve dealt with PTSD in the field and base side at the hospital. I’m here to listen.” I motioned to the pot. “The stew needs a few minutes more.”

Ben relaxed. “I was coming out here to ask if you had a razor.” He ran his fingers over his beard. It was a few days long. “This is starting to itch.”

I walked into the bathroom. “Right there. I have razors in the case. It’s an old fashioned one, with the two-sided blade like your Dad used probably. But it cuts well. Help yourself.” I laid out the shirt and pants for him. The shirt was a long john t-shirt. But with his size, it would be snug.

What came out when he’d shaved was a very handsome man. He looked younger with his face clean shaven. “Much better.” He said relieved to be rid of the itch.

I spooned some of the stew in a bowl. “After three days, I can’t stand it either.” I took the plate down for Koot. Placed it on the floor and backed away. I knew better than to get between that wolf and food. “He’s a beast when it comes to dinner. Don’t pet him. You’ll lose an arm.”

Ben chuckled as he sat down. “I don’t doubt it. He’s a really big wolf.”

“Something I never forget,” I assured.

“So, how’d you two pair up?”

“He was only a few weeks old. Hardly weaned, but I’m glad he was. His mother was shot by some passing hunter, poacher or angry rancher that we haven’t gotten through to reassure them they aren’t the wild enemy. I watched him for a few days. Mama never showed up, so I took him in. He’s been with me ever since. He seems to like me.”

“He’s never turned on you?” Ben asked.

“Not even once,” I said. “Then again. I always know he’s not a dog and respect him as a wolf. He will play and behave like a dog, but he’s a wolf. So far we’ve had a good understanding.” I sat at my little table. “Oh, every spring he goes off for a few months. Sowing some of those wild oats, but midsummer, he’s back.” I shrugged. “Probably sired a few little wolves somewhere.”

Ben looked at the cabin. “And you’re alone here.”

I nodded. “My nearest neighbor is ten miles…” I thought of the direction. Then motioned behind me. “That way. But we keep in touch. We have a check-in time. If we’re not heard from. Someone will come out to see.”

“And you prefer that.”

“I do.” I brought a pitcher of tea. “One thing I can’t do without is Southern sweet tea. That’s what this is. The sugar is brewed in it.”

“Never had it,” Ben said with a smile. “Bring it on.” I poured him a glass. He smiled as he tasted. “It’s good.”

I felt I should be honest. “As you can see. I don’t have much room.” I pointed to the one room in front of the fireplace. I had a queen sized bed and little love seat in front of the fireplace. There was an antique armoire, but that was where I kept books and things. There was a desk a computer with a 21-inch monitor and that was it.

“What is it you do?” Ben asked.

“I’m a writer.” Now it would come out.

“Fiction or non-fiction?”

“Both,” I said.

“Anything I might have read?”

“I wrote Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell and Two spirited.”

He sat back suddenly in surprise. “No way! You’re that Eric Carson!?” But he wasn’t revolted. It was appreciation. “I loved Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell.”

Now I was having an issue. “Really? I won’t have…” now I wanted to know why. “About the gay military enlisted.” I wanted him to be clear about his understanding of the subject matter.

Ben nodded. “I loved it. He was so….real.”

“It was me,” I said. I had just told him I was gay. “It was about me and my husband.”

“Of course!” Ben said understanding more. “That’s why he was so real.”

That wasn’t possible. Nothing about this man said he was gay. Maybe he was one of those that didn’t care. Straight, but understood.

“I’ve not read Two-Spirited.”

I nodded. “That only came out a year ago.”

“It’s about…” he asked.

“The Native American understanding about gender roles. I am the fifth gender. Could be the third. It’s sort of up in the air.”

Ben didn’t run out the door. He started spooning the stew. “Damn. This is good. Did you hunt this?”

I shook my head. “I don’t have to. When I came to this area. The Pigean Tribe needed some things written. I did that. Among it was many of the gender issues I spoke of, which prompted me to write Two-Spirited.”

Ben nodded. “I know something about that. What is it exactly?”

“The tribes here and pretty much across the United States defined gender male, female, the man that is feminine and the woman that is masculine. The third and fourth genders. I am a fifth gender, as I understand. A man, who looks and hopefully acts male but that only will couple with another male.”

Ben never blinked. “Like me.”

This was not possible! My mind was blown away. “No way.”

Ben looked at me. “Why do you say that?”

The thing was, we were as bad as the rest of humanity. Surprised when what we suspected, based on what we taught didn’t pan out. Here was a man, who acted like a man. He didn’t swish when he walked. He didn’t lisp. Not girly in any way! If there was a thing as gaydar. He would register as straight. “Nothing about you says you’re gay.”

“Nor do you,” Ben argued. “Except for one thing.” He grinned.

“What?” Was there something I did?

“You went out of your way not to look at me,” Ben said. “You never gave a casual look. Even when you cut my pants off. It’s like you refused to look.”

“I didn’t want you to feel uncomfortable.”

Ben nodded. “And I respect that.” He said seriously, then straightened. “You are a good man. I won’t attack you. Are you going to attack me?”

“No,” I answered, as if the idea was absurd, which it was. Then took a breath. “The truth is….I lost my husband five years ago. He died of cancer. One tour overseas, we survived many things. We get back and he gets pancreatic cancer. Boom, he’s gone in three months.”

Then Ben softened his gaze. He placed a hand on mine. “I’m so sorry.”

“He’s a lot of the reason I’m here,” I explained. “Everything just reminded me of him.”

Ben nodded. “You loved him very much.”

“We married while he was sick. We served together and became partners and were together for seven years. I had him as a husband a month.” And in spite of my trying not to, a tear came down. “Sorry.”

“For what? Having feelings?” Ben dismissed that. “Now, I had a few lovers. Even a wife. She left me in the middle of my second tour. There’s not been another, male or female since.”

His sort of candor was not…normal. “Are you always this honest with people that rescue you from snow?”

Ben chuckled. “That must be it.” Then he shrugged. “I’ve always been a pretty honest guy. It’s best to be that way, remembering what you said to who is hard to keep straight.”

I looked at Ben for the first time. I mean looked at the man. He was rugged, masculine and the towel dried hair was not combed, but his dark brown was still sexy. He had deep brown eyes like those of chocolate. Since Mike, my husband died, no one had attracted me like this man was doing right now. Then I heard Walter’s prediction in my head. Walter was spooky at times. But that didn’t mean Ben was the one. Still, I rescue a man, who was gay and attracted to. Out here!? I know gay men were everywhere, but we weren’t that plentiful! And now we were trapped together for days? God, or as the Blackfeet believed, Old Man had a strange sense of humor. My understanding was that’s just what Old Man was like. A trickster. Ben was a very handsome man. Gay or straight. Koot was the one that broke my thoughts when he whined.

“Sorry.” I nodded and got up. We went to the door, and in the mud/snow room, I opened the outer door. The world out there was white. Not just the ground. Thick snow fell in the dim light of the cabin. Koot ran off to do his business. “He only takes a few minutes. In the meantime, I was saying, I have a small cabin. One bed. It is a queen. I can set a cot up in the bathroom/closet next to the stove. Or…”

Ben grinned. “…we can share?”

I blushed. I never blush. “We could. I expect nothing. We sleep. The fireplace has a fan that blows the hot air into the room. As you feel now, it’s warm enough.”

“So, no sex.”

I sighed. “It’s been a few years. And to be honest. I never was one that gave in to casual sex, one night stands or shit like that.”

“It had to mean something,” Ben said nodding.

“Even casual sex has meaning. Pleasure.” I admitted. “But if I’m doing something with another human being…something that I’m not doing with others. That’s special. I would hope it should be special for my partner.”

Ben sat back. “I think that’s the right way. It’s why I’ve been alone since before I got out.” He nodded. “There should be feelings involved.”

“Precisely.” That’s when we heard a howl. Getting up, I let Koot in. “What was that? You were showing off for Ben.” Koot just lay in front of the fireplace.

I didn’t know if my heart would be open, but Ben was affecting me like I hadn’t been in years. I did fall in love with Walter before I knew he was married. But nothing like this intense draw I had to Ben.

“It’s really coming down,” I said. The only window was at the front, but I had sealed it shut with the wooden shutter. There was only a diamond shaped hole you need to be at to see out.

Ben asked for seconds on the stew. “You were saying you didn’t kill this.”

I shook my head. “I don’t have to. I was adopted as a member by the Pigean Tribe. I did some work for them and as a reward, they adopted me. They keep me supplied with meats. Thank god or Koot would starve. I have everything from Elk, Venison and even Bear.”

“You have Bear?” Ben asked. “I’ve never had that.”

I shrugged. “We’ll be here a while. I’ll make Bear burgers tomorrow. It’s a bit gamier. And I make my own bread, fresh bread won’t keep out here that long and I don’t want to fill the freezer….”

“Should be interesting.”

I wasn’t totally off the grid. I had a computer. Which because of the weather wasn’t connected to the internet at the moment. I had a satellite dish, so no access to the sky, no internet. But I had movies and shows stored in the memory. And I had a generator if needed. And I had books. Tons of books. I’d found this book exchange where I could get books in exchange for ones I had. My love sometimes made it hard to part with a good book, so I’d buy it. And libraries you had to return books on time, which could be difficult at times like this. So, the book exchange was perfect. And because we were out this far, a landline could be run, but the computer allowed me to make calls. When we were connected.

I heard Ben yawn. I closed the book I was reading. “It is that time. Be warned. Koot was my only bed companion his whole life. He may climb up in the middle of the night. And he snores.” I looked at Koot. “And he has fleas.”

Ben looked at the wolf who was looking back as innocent as he could be. “I won’t push him off. Isn’t there something you can do about the fleas?”

“I give him medication, and they don’t have flea collars his size.” I grinned. “In Winter, he likes to be by the fireplace, so he shouldn’t bother you.”

As much as I loved being alone. It was nice to have someone there. Ben was quiet mostly. He read we watched a movie I had. And read again. But mostly he was frustrating me because I was so drawn to him. And he didn’t let on he knew or felt the same. So, I got ready for bed. I had a thick comforter on the bed, so we would be warm. I put some other logs on the fire which caught and burned brightly, crackling quietly.

That night was no problem. We got up and I said I needed to check the roof.

“Snow usually just falls off due to the pitch, but this fast. It can accumulate. Too much can collapse the roof due to the weight.” And of course, Ben helped. The quilted thick parka and pants were warm, but loose even on Ben. It was during lunch I asked.

“Tell me what you do now. What were you before the Army?”

Ben nodded. “I have…or rather, my family has a cattle ranch. That’s just outside Fort Worth. My father is still there. And my son.”

“How old is your son?”

“He’ll be eighteen this year.” Ben smiled. “He’s a good kid. The only real good thing my ex-wife gave me.” Then he shrugged. “I moved to Fort Worth after the Army. To be near the VA. And Brad.”

The snow kept coming. So, it wasn’t the wind that was the problem, but all that snow! But there was a point the wind did pick up. It was groan like a wounded animal sometimes.

“Well, your truck will be dead,” I stated. “And will have to be dug out.”’

Ben nodded, but from the way he was looking at me, wasn’t thinking about his truck. He had this gaze that said he wasn’t really seeing me. A cold chill ran down my back. I’d seen it before. He was lost in a flashback. Who knew what he was hearing or seeing. I had to ground him. I went to my computer and turned the section of Acid Jazz up loud. (I wasn’t normal. Acid jazz is an acquired taste in music.) Then went to my refrigerator. Tons of snow falling and yet I needed a cube ice? Cold drinks in the winter weren’t a bad thing. Iced tea needs ice. I placed the ice in his hand. It took a few minutes, but he came back.

He suddenly came back to himself and dropped the cube of ice, shocked it was there. “What the hell?”

“You were having a flashback,” I said turning off the music. “You were here, but gone,” I explained. “I had to ground you. The music and ice are the best means to do that.”

“Oh.” Ben looked away, guilty. “Sorry.”

I sat back down. “It’s not your fault,” I said honestly. “The things we saw….that you saw. Your mind is dealing with it as best it can. It will bring these memories to the surface for you to deal with them. Only it’s too intense and you lose yourself. Were there any triggers? Smells? Sights?”

He shook his head. He was clamming up. I couldn’t make him deal with it. It had to be his choice.

So, I would start by sharing my experience. “I was there. Stationed at the joint base in Balad. I was the second echelon.” First echelon was in the battlefield, second was where they brought casualties to be stitched up and stabilized, third was still on base where you served but in a hospital setting. Fourth was stateside in a hospital there. “I would get soldier after soldier,” I confessed. “There’s one I can’t shake, a young man, not more than twenty. It still haunts me. He’d been in a firefight. A dirty bomb had blown and burned one leg off. You could see the bone sticking out. The other leg was ripped open to the bone. You could see the white of the bone. But his uniform had melted and fused with his flesh. In order to save his life, I had to take this hard bristled wire brush and scrub the skin to get the uniform away or he would become infected and die. He came to while I was doing it. Using that brush was like brushing through hamburger meat. He was screaming. I knew it was hurting him. It had to be done. I had to do it. He and a few others I saw, what that war was doing that I had to treat are what I see at night sometimes. I can still hear the screaming.”

The compassion shown in Ben’s eyes and I saw a tear coming. “That’s horrible.”

“You’ve no real idea.” I nodded. “It was grizzly. No human should suffer that way. And not by someone who is there to care for you. That was my problem. I was there to help, not hurt. But I had to hurt to heal.”

Ben sighed nodding and my story helped him decide to share. “I was leading a group of men. We were searching the mountains and those little caves they sometimes hide in.” He let out a shaky breath. “We found one. We thought. They were in this one.” Then his voice broke and he was crying. “We filled the space with the bombs, the ones that burn the whole insides.” Now he was shaking. “Then I heard them. They had children in there. I would have done anything to keep those bombs from going off.” Now he was weeping. “Small children with tiny voices. Babies.” Now he cried harder. “An explosion and they were on fire.” His breath hitched and he allowed the tears to fall unchecked but closed his eyes tightly which made the tears fall faster. “They were screaming!”

He felt this pain so deeply. I knew better than to say. “It’ll be alright.” Or some other platitude. He felt this to his core. I just listened. Then gently brought him into a hug where he just cried. This went on for some time. Maybe an hour. When it finally stopped. He sat up slowly.

He touched my shirt. “I got snot all over you.” He laughed weakly. “Sorry.”

I smiled shrugging. “It’ll wash.” Then running my finger over his face and his hair. “It was necessary.” I shouldn’t have touched the hair. That’s one of my triggers. Not for a flashback, but arousal. And I was now very aroused.

Now his look was at me. He was attracted to me. There was a longing in his eyes and he came forward, kissing me hungrily. Was it passion? Or commissary? Did we bond over bad issues in the past we both couldn’t deal with? I knew what was going to happen. Did I trust him that much? Yes. He leaned in, touching his lips to mine again. This time it was light, like a butterfly landing on a flower, then increased pressure. It became a hungry kiss again. And he did know how to kiss. He was good. Young love was great, but there was nothing like a man with a little experience. He began pulling on my shirt. I was pulling on his pants. He stopped.

“Are you a top or bottom?” He asked nearly breathless.

“Yes.” I grinned.

He smiled. “Good answer. So am I.”

I hate saying it, but it’s just like riding a bike. You never forget how. He, nor I, had forgotten how. As we made love, I realized how I missed loving a man. The weight of him on me. The hard muscles beneath my fingers. The hairs of his chest. He took as well as he gave. People who don’t understand about a man loving a man are so deluded. Passion is passion and it was glorious! We were both panting when we collapsed.

“You say it’s been how long?” Ben gasped catching his breath.

“Five years.” I chuckled.

“Been saving it all up until now?” Ben asked. “Not that I’m complaining.”

“We’re young.” I reminded him.

He nodded. “I’m forty-two. How old are you?”

“Thirty-eight.”

“No real difference.” Ben smiled kissing my neck. Then he rolled to his side. “I’m crushing you.”

I shook my head. “You weren’t.” I moved him back. “I like the feel of you on me. It’s reassuring. Your weight.”

“I outweigh you by forty pounds, maybe more. I’m a big guy.”

“So?” I wrapped my arms around him. “It’s comfortable.”

“I’m falling love with you,” Ben said.

Now I was pushing him back. “Don’t say that.”

He looked puzzled. “Why not? Isn’t that what’s supposed to happen?” He laughed. “We just made love. Falling in love is part of it. I was attracted when you cut my pants off.”

“And where are you going to be next week?”

Ben shook his head. “Where do you want me?” He propped on his elbow. “This wasn’t a one night stand, was it? I thought you didn’t do those.”

“No,” I said. “I don’t. But you were in such pain.”

“And you weren’t?”

“Yes, but…I wanted to comfort you. That look you had…”

“I was comforted.” Ben frowned. “I can move to Trego. I have no ties with anyone anywhere really. I can find a job.”

“Wait, wait.” I sat up a little. “I like you. I like you a lot, but I just dug you out of the snow yesterday. Now you want to move here?”

“Would you mind if I did?”

“Of course not, I just want things done right,” I explained. “I could find you to be a complete asshole. We get into an argument and hate each other.”

“I can be an asshole.” He chuckled. “And I guarantee we’ll have arguments.” He grinned. Then looked serious a moment. “Was I the only one to feel we had a connection? Did I imagine you did?”

“I wanted there to be.” I moaned.

“It was almost…kismet.” Ben reasoned. “No, it was karma. I get stuck in the snow. Nearly die. The man that rescues me is gay and knows how to deal with my craziness. And I’m highly attracted to. This has to be planned.”

Walter again. He knew this was going to happen. “I want to believe that.”

Ben kissed me gently. “Then go with it. You are an amazing man, Eric. I felt it shortly after you got me here. You had to have felt it.” He stressed. “What are the odds? I get dug out of the snow by a man that turns me on from the moment I first opened my eyes. You’re attracted to me? Right?”

“Yes.” I got out of bed. “I want to. I do, but…”

“Who hurt you?” Ben asked.

“Everyone!” I said. “I loved three men. The first was in high school. I loved Chuck. But he was so scared someone would find out he was gay, he married a girl because his parents told him to. Then Randy. Same thing. Only it wasn’t a girl. He just left. Then Mike.”

Ben frowned. “But Mike didn’t leave you. He died.”

“Same results.”

Ben got out of bed and brought me in his arms. “I can’t say I won’t die. No one can. Linda left me when I was on my second tour. I find out by letter. And with my OLD BOYFRIEND, can you believe it? Carl loved me but loved the Army, so she’s in for a fight there, too. I can’t offer guarantees. Can we at least try to love each other?” He begged. “Explore that?” He shook his head. “I go a route I shouldn’t have. I knew it was wrong, but I took it anyway. Why? I run off the road. I collapse in snow and nearly die. You come and rescue me. It had to be fate.” He sighed. “The truth is, I was lost.” He tapped his head. “In here as well as geographically. I was searching.”

“For what?”

He shrugged. “Absolution, peace? I don’t know.” He grinned. “I could have been looking for you. It could be fate.”

“I have a friend in the Tribe that says things like that,” I confessed.

“Listen to this person.”

“Why?” I asked. “If it’s meant to be, it will be.”

“But you’re resistant.”

I grinned at him. “I don’t want to hurt again.” Then I looked down. “As much as I love the scenery.” I pointed to his naked form. “Aren’t you cold?”

“You’ve not got on any more than I do.” He wrapped his arms around me. “You can warm me up. I’ll warm you up.” He kissed me slowly. “Take a risk. Let’s just see where this is going.”

The truth was, I was scared. Not since Mike had I felt so drawn to another person. It looked like both Ben and I were damaged. Yet I found myself saying…”Okay.”

It was too cold, even in the cabin to stand around naked, so we got back in bed.