Tiger Winter - 8. Intimate

Emmett had deliberately turned off his cell phone while he’d been in Killarney, though he’d taken an emergency burner phone for the students and other lecturers to call in case of any problems. None had arisen, and it was with a classic post-camping mixture of sadness, satisfaction, and longing for society and real beds, that the students took down their tents and packed up their gear. It had been a very good trip, with perfect weather and many excellent animal sightings. The students had collected lots of data to help them with their expedition dissertations, and Emmett had been pleased with the progress notations made on many of the maps. He was hoping to be able to curate a display on the trip when they returned. He had left his truck at the entrance to the park and took the bus with his students out as far as the boarder. He reminded them all to get plenty of good sleep and hot showers, and to air out their sleeping bags before they went to bed for several days.

Back in his truck, Emmett turned on his cell and relaxed back into the comfortable and familiar shape of the driver’s seat before flipping down the visor. Stuck into the clip was a photograph of him and his father in their fur, sitting in the back garden of the house, surrounded by the lush greenery and purple heather of a Moosonee summer. There was another, similar to the one Zeke had found in his nightstand, of him with Ryley, though this one was younger, and Rye was just ten with his arm around his oldest brother’s waist. Emmett kissed the pads of two fingers and placed them on his family softly before closing the visor. He phone chirped at him, and Emmett ignored the text message in favour of listening to the other message on speaker phone as he started up the engine.

“Hey babe,” it was Zeke, “I dunno if you got my text, I suppose signal must be really shitty out there in the wilderness. Anyway…I miss you, it’s been rather lonely in bed these last few days, and I miss my extra sofa cushion.”

“Cheek,” Emmett muttered.

“So call me when you get this. I guarantee you I’m thinking about you naked.”

Emmett’s dick made the decision for him, and he instructed the phone to call Zeke back, set the cell on the dash over the steering wheel, and listened to it ring through the speaker as he drove.

“Emmett!”

“Hey babe,” Emmett grinned at the joy in Zeke’s voice, “I got your message.”

“You missed me too?”

“Wasn’t much space in my tent babe, you’d have had to get in the sleeping bag with me.”

“Ha!” Zeke sighed in something like a wistful manner, “please say you’ll come over tonight?” his voice seemed to get closer, softer, and Emmett realised that he was whispering, “Please? I’ll so make it worth your while.”

“I’ll come. I have to go home and unpack first.”

“Will you come now?” Zeke asked sexily.

“Babe?”

“I told you I missed you. I’m leaning on my desk and imagining you bending me over it…”

“Zeke!” Emmett gasped, “I’m driving!”

“Am I distracting you?” Zeke sounded smug.

“I don’t have enough blood for both ends of my body right now babe.”

“Good, that means you’ll get here quicker. I’ll be home by six.”

“It’s a five hour drive!” Emmett exclaimed, but Zeke had already hung up. Emmett scowled and threw the phone into the back seat. He couldn’t afford any more distractions if he was going to get back in time to not leave Zeke waiting. The idea of the slender man being horny enough to want to have phone sex was very enticing to Emmett’s crotch. Jerking off in a tent was an almost pointless task, since it was awkward, you had to be especially quiet, and especially in the cold, the cleaning up became an aggravating issue. Emmett hadn’t bothered, and now his libido wanted him to drive faster in order to make up for lost time.

After three hours on the road, Emmett passed the turning that would have taken him north through Bracebridge and onwards towards Cochrane. There he would load himself, his yet to be purchased Christmas gifts and his truck onto a train, and go home for the holidays: something he still hadn’t arranged or organised. As he sped past the turning, Emmett felt a hot stab of guilt that was enough to cool his lust-fired blood and keep him on the slightly morose side of happy for the rest of his drive.

He parked up in front of the house he was starting to really think of as his now, even though he was still, technically, a tenant of Huan-Yu’s, and as he pulled his gear out of the back, the front door opened to reveal Jian, dressed in jeans, thick socks and a long sleeved t-shirt, grinning and holding a steaming mug that smelt distinctly like:

“Chocolate?”

“The good stuff too. I figured I’d better learn something useful while you were away.”

Emmett took the cup from his friend with a slightly perplexed smile and sipped it.

“Nutmeg?”

“That’s what your brother said you liked in it.”

Emmett chuckled.

“Rye likes Nutmeg, I prefer cinnamon.” Just as Jian was partway through apologizing, Emmett blinked hard. “Hang on: ‘my brother said’? Wha-?”

“You left your laptop on your bed, but you didn’t shut it down,” Jian explained, taking Emmett’s rucksack. If he found it heavy, he didn’t let the fact show. “When it bingled at me yesterday I wondered what it was, and when I touched the mouse pad, there was this cute young guy on screen who looked remarkably like you.”

Emmett snarled.

“You think my brother is ‘cute’?”

“In theory!” Jian held up a hand in supplication on the polar bear’s fraternal protective instincts, “he’s just a kid. Anyway, I told him you were still out at the park, and we got chatting. He mentioned you had a thing for proper hot chocolate, especially if you’ve been camping or hiking or whatever, so I thought I’d learn how to make it for you.”

“And you knew I’d be back now?”

“Smelt you coming,” Jian seemed proud of this, “had the stuff ready and keeping warm on the stove for like four hours, just to be on the safe side.”

“Thanks,” Emmett drank his hot chocolate and smiled, “you’re awesome Jian.”

The not-tiger trailed him upstairs and sat on the corner of Emmett’s bed as the polar bear began to unpack his bag. Since he wouldn’t be sleeping there, he grabbed the folding clothes dryer and opened his tent out over it before spreading his sleeping bag out and fully unzipped on the floor. Jian didn’t seem to mind watching him unpack, and Emmett was glad of the company and the chatter after so many hours alone in his truck.

“Anything cool happen while I was gone?”

“Everyone went out to watch the Northern Lights, even Rain went to go stand in the back garden. I suppose if we saw them, you must have had them too.”

“We did. The Spirits came out just after I’d killed a deer; I kinda hope she was up there.” Emmett smiled at his friend, and again for Jian’s lack of shock or surprise. “So what did you think of them? It was your first time right?”

“I didn’t go look.”

Emmett dropped his seal skin parka and stared, slack jawed at his young friend.

“What? But… why? I thought you wanted to?”

“I do.” Jian’s smile was small and shy, and he picked at Emmett’s sheets with his fingernails. “But like you said, I’ve never seen them before. I didn’t go look because I didn’t want to see them for the first time and not be able to share it with you.”

“Jian…”

“They’ll be back, Xue-bear.” Jian hopped up off the bed and headed for the door, “oh, Zeke called just before you got here. He says you’re late.”

*

“Sure?”

“Yes,” Zeke hissed between his teeth, “c’mon Emmett…”

Emmett couldn’t resist an invitation like that twice, and he pulled out of his lover only long enough to lie back against the pillows and have Zeke straddle his hips again before sinking down onto his slick, latex covered cock. His lover instantly placed his hands on Emmett’s chest and began to slide himself up and down the long length of his erection.

Physically, it felt amazing. Zeke was all hot and tight and squeezing him in exactly all the right places. He kissed fabulously, allowing Emmett to ravage his mouth and tighten his fingers into his hair while they fucked relentlessly. Zeke had barely let him get all the way through the door before he’d started putting his hands inside Emmett’s clothes, and Emmett had responded in a predictable and pleasing manner.

But underneath Zeke’s slightly chemical aroma and the thick red of lust pouring from him along with the sheen of sweat that made his tight body glisten, Emmett could smell himself. And he smelt bad. He could feel the sensation building in the pit of stomach, which instead of being tense with lust or gooey with satisfaction and release was tying itself into a shameful black knot of guilt and unhappiness. Every time he blinked, just for a moment, he could see Jian’s sweet smile, greeting him when he came home; hear the boy’s voice, his upturned face as the snow fell in the park, telling him of his desire to be a white tiger; and worse than that, he heard again the tight hard argument that Jian and Huan-Yu had which he couldn’t understand.

It was with both feelings thrashing through him in equal measure that Emmett thrust himself deep into his lover’s body and growled when he came. Afterwards, Zeke went to clean up, and Emmett, left alone in a real bed for the first time since returning from Killarney, discarded the condom into the trashcan, curled up around the duvet, and fell almost instantly asleep.

He dreamt of Jian. He knew it was a dream, because the boy stood in the snow in nothing but a pair of blue jeans, and he wasn’t shivering. Emmett looked down to find himself similarly dressed, and smiled as Jian crossed the snow towards him and took his hand. His hand was warm, and his skin was very tanned against Emmett’s own.

I miss you. Jian’s words arrived in his head without by-passing his ears.

I know. Just a little bit longer. Emmett had no idea what he meant, but the reply seemed to please his companion, and Jian stood on tiptoes to kiss him with a smile.

He couldn’t have said afterwards exactly how it happened, but somehow Emmett ended lying in the snow, Jian in the curved space against his chest, holding his hand as they made love in the fantastically lazy manner of two people with all the time and comfort in the world.

Emmett woke with a jolt, finding himself in the same position as he had dreamt, but the hand curled in front of his face was empty, Jian was not there, and the sheets were sticky and wet with his dreamtime emission. He got up guiltily, bundled up the sheets, and managed to put them into the machine without Zeke directly commenting on the matter. Once the bed was newly made, Emmett quickly showered and dressed in sweats, he went to keep his boyfriend company on the couch. Zeke snuggled up to him instantly, and Emmett ended up with his lover in his lap held against this chest with one arm.

“You sleep OK?”

“I could do with another eight hours,” Emmett sighed, “yeah. Sorry for passing out on you like that.”

“I told you camping was a bad idea.” Zeke stroked his fingers through Emmett’s hair, “when are you going to get a haircut?”

“I kinda like it longer.”

“Huh.” Zeke didn’t say anything else, and Emmett didn’t bother pursuing the conversation. His heart wasn’t in it, because he seemed to have dropped it somewhere in between dreaming about Jian and then waking up without him. Emmett felt guilty as hell when Zeke turned off the television and tugged him back towards the bedroom.

Zeke fell asleep quickly and left Emmett staring at the ceiling, not seeing it. Something was wrong with his life, which was ridiculous, because Emmett couldn’t ever remember having it so good. His job was great, he liked his students and loved his new house; his housemates were cool, he didn’t need to keep secrets from them, or be judged for the way he ate; he had a boyfriend who missed him, who wanted to have excellent sex most days, and who allowed Emmett to bend him over the back of the sofa and push him up against the wall in the shower to be taken roughly from behind. His life was amazing.

And yet he felt like shit, like he’d been chewed up by a leopard seal and spat out on the ice. His heart was full of emotions he couldn’t name, and clouds of guilt and shame fogged up his head. He had nothing to be ashamed of, but every time he remembered the sounds of tears coming from Jian’s room, it was like getting a sledge hammer to the heart. Emmett glanced over at the sleeping figure of his boyfriend, and knew the human wouldn’t understand.

When he fell asleep again, they were not happy dreams in which Emmett found himself. In some small way, it was easier like that.

*

“I can’t believe it’s December already!” Jian spun around with his arms up, catching snowflakes in his dark fringe and the knit of his hat.

“I can’t believe you want to come Christmas shopping with me. Are you mad? You don’t even celebrate Christmas.” Emmett kicked what turned out to be a fairly solid drift as he stuffed his hands in his pockets. “Every year I say I’m gonna get organised and get stuff before all the shops go mad, and every year I fail miserably.”

“Hey, don’t worry about it Xue,” Jian jabbed him in the ribs with an elbow, “at least I can help carry stuff. What are we getting?”

“Generally I buy them stuff they can’t get up north, or things which are way too expensive to get shipped out that far; tends to be lots of groceries.”

Jian didn’t seem to care that the shops were crowded, or that Emmett practically stepped on a small child whom he could not see in a busy aisle of his sister’s favourite shoe shop; and because Jian smiled, his eyes glowing like the setting sun, the task became much more fun for Emmett than it had been in years.

He bought a pair of very nice red leather high heels for his sister, he had been given rather specific instructions several years earlier about preferred brand, shoe size, and heel height and stuck religiously to these: and in the Canada Goose outlet he got new micro-padded down-filled fully water proof gloves, a pair each for Logan and his father. After that, they headed to the biggest supermarket attached to the mall, and Jian pushed the shopping cart around after Emmett as he piled it high with his winter present shop. He bought a small glass jar of Madagascan vanilla pods, which were basically impossible to buy in Moosonee, more tins of tropical fruits than he wanted to count, a whole crate of large navel oranges, which whilst they could be bought up north fairly easily, were kind of a Christmas tradition; and they made the truck smell a bit less like stale damp bear. He got bags of spices from the Indian food shop and Jian sniffed at each one, and then collected several more fantastic flavours he told Emmett he would need. After that it was chocolate, lots of it, and they stood in the car park on opposite sides of the truck, packing everything into the back seat of the cab.

“Heads up, Xue!” Emmett stepped back and caught the orange that came flying over the roof of his truck. He ducked to look through the cab and growled at the not-tiger playfully. “At least you caught it.”

“I played hockey, and lacrosse in the summer, for my high school, of course I caught it.” Emmett shook his head, but tore into the orange, divided the flesh in half and offered it to Jian. The boy munched happily.

Emmett still hadn’t booked his train north, and he needed to. The Polar Bear Express ran five days a week, but it got full near Christmas time with people going in, or out, for the holidays and since Emmett needed a space for his truck too, he knew that he needed to get organised. There were just over three weeks until Christmas, and Emmett had promised his little brother he would be there before the big day: home in time to play hockey and romp around in their fur while his step-mom made mince pies they would demolish in seconds. Glancing over at Jian as they left the truck to walk back into the main part of the mall, Emmett was struck again by how much he liked the boy, and by how awful the idea of spending a month away from Jian made him feel. He and Zeke were as good as they had ever been, but the dreams were getting more frequent, and stronger, and there hadn’t been a single night for over a week when Emmett hadn’t woken up to find the sheets and his underwear stained and sticky. Whatever he was doing while awake, it wasn’t enough.

“Jian?”

“Xue?” Emmett loved the nickname he’d been given, and it made his heart warm like bright spring sun on the snow.

“I was thinking…” Emmett stopped himself. He couldn’t do it. He wanted, so desperately wanted, to invite Jian to come north with him: properly invite him, not just slip it casually into conversation so the young Chinese man wasn’t sure if the offer was real or not. But he couldn’t do it. He had a boyfriend, and he should have been spending time with him and thinking about what Zeke might want for Christmas, not wondering if he still had time to order something off the internet for Jian’s present. “I think I should get Rye a new jersey. The Maple Leafs have a new stripe out this season: I know he hasn’t got it yet.”

Jian shrugged and smiled, and stepped closer to Emmett to avoid a crowd of young mums with pushchairs coming the other way. Emmett’s pulse raced as the boy stood almost in the crook made by his arm, and the temptation to pull him close was almost irresistible: but Emmett resisted. He ended up buying Ryley a new top of the line hockey stick, as well as the jersey, and stood for a while eyeing up skates in Jian’s size before they left the shop. Emmett hated to admit it, but he had no idea what he was doing.

*

“Hi pop,” Emmett answered the call as he stood in line to collect their order from the Thai place on the corner. Zeke had asked him to pick up the food on his way, and Emmett hadn’t complained about it. Zeke liked Thai, and he could always eat again properly the following day. They hadn’t seen as much of each other over the last week. The semester was over, and Emmett had a lot more free time, but Christmas at the mall meant lots of people, lots of plants to take care of and lots of other little managerial jobs to organise. Zeke was busy, and Emmett couldn’t begrudge him that.

“You still haven’t booked your train ticket.”

“I’ll do it tomorrow.”

“Do it tonight,” his father wasn’t angry, just insistent. “We miss you.”

“OK, OK. I’ll get it done,” Emmett half-lied. He was going to be at Zeke’s, so it was still going to be tomorrow. “I promise, I’ll text Rye the details as soon as I book it.”

“So are you bringing anyone home for the holidays?”

Emmett stared at the phone in his hand for so long his father repeated his name twice before Emmett managed to answer.

“What?”

“Your brother said something about a… Ji- Jim? Johnny? Some guy he’d talked to at your house.”

“Jian.” Emmett frowned, “Pop, why would you think I’d be bringing him home for Christmas?”

“Rye said it might be a nice idea. After all, it’s been a while since there was a serious boyfriend.”

“DAD!” Emmett apologised in a whisper to the other people in the shop and hurried outside to conclude his conversation. “Jian is not my boyfriend!”

“Well, maybe I got it wrong. But you know you can bring anyone up, especially if the poor thing hasn’t got any family around to be with him.”

Emmett scowled.

“I gotta go, pop. Speak soon, love to ma and everyone.” He didn’t really wait for his father to answer before he hung up.

The Thai-girl brought him the carrier bag of dinner as he turned to re-enter the shop, and Emmett thanked her before walking to his boyfriend’s place. Zeke let him in with a smile and a kiss that Emmett only returned in a distracted manner. They sat on the sofa to eat; Emmett put his arm around Zeke’s waist and didn’t see anything that blurred by on the television screen. Only after being prodded in the ribs with a pair of chopsticks did he realise he hadn’t even eaten anything.

“Babe? You OK?”

“Sure.”

“You’re never not-hungry.” Zeke’s statement was accurate, and Emmett had skipped his meal in order to look ripped and extra muscular for his boyfriend’s pleasure. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing,” Emmett sighed, “I need to book my ticket north to go home for the holidays.”

“OK…”

“It’s a long way, and I don’t go home as often as I’d like. I’ll be gone for a month, more or less.”

“Oh,” Zeke ate a steamed dumpling thoughtfully, “Emmett… I think maybe we should break up.”

“But-!” Emmett shifted his weight so Zeke ended up back on the couch. He knew he couldn’t have this conversation with the warm weight of the man against his crotch. “Why? It’s only a month…”

“That’s not the reason, but it makes this a good time to do it,” Zeke smiled softly at him, “Emmett: you don’t love me, and I don’t love you.”

“But, we’re having fun…” Emmett hated the tightness across his chest, the sudden closeness and lack of air in the room.

“And fun is great, babe… but you don’t really wanna be here ‘having fun’ with me when you can have the real thing.”

“Zeke?”

“He loves you. That skinny little Chinese guy, he loves you: plain as day.” Zeke was smiling, and it wasn’t the expression Emmett was used to seeing during the ‘let’s not see each other anymore’ conversations. “I saw the two of you last week, shopping in the mall. Even to me you looked like a couple, like you belonged together.”

“But…” Emmett reached out for Zeke’s hand, and the other man took it and held Emmett’s knuckles to his lips, “we didn’t do anything wrong.”

“We didn’t have to Emmett, it’s just one of those things. I’m gonna do you the biggest favour of your life; and dump you. Go north, go play in the snow and don’t feel guilty that I don’t want to. Take him with you maybe.”

“Babe… please…”

“Is anything I’ve said wrong?”

Emmett paused, and shook his head.

“We’re two people who happened to meet one night and we just kept on meeting. It was a lot of fun, but it’s not forever.” Zeke kissed his fingers again. “Now take me to bed, and let’s go have fun one more time before we say goodbye, yeah?”

It was a lot like the first time, only without the blowjob, and right from the start, each of them were only really in it to get as much pleasure as they could. It was good, because having sex with Zeke had never been anything but, but it wasn’t intimate. Emmett came inside his lover one final time, and all he could see in his head were Jian’s orange eyes, smiling at him in the snow.

They showered together, kissed under the spray, and afterwards, Emmett got dressed, collected the very few items of his that had ended up here and there around Zeke’s apartment, and they said goodbye at the door. Zeke smiled at him.

“It’s a good thing Emmett. Someone loves you.”

“You’re not… jealous?”

“I like you well enough, but that kid looks like he’s got a hellcat in him if he doesn’t get his way: you’ll be well matched. Have fun!”

Emmett elected to walk home, even though Zeke’s apartment was the other side of downtown from his own house. It was cold and dark, but the stars were bright overhead and the air was clear. It was a good sort of evening for walking home alone and reflecting on his life. It would have been better to be out in the park in the middle of the night in his fur, but Emmett was too scared of being discovered this early in the evening. He ignored the outside world as he crossed the city, but with each step he took, preferring to walk in the gutter and hear the crunch of the snow under his boots, all he could think about was Jian, and the sound of crying.

Zeke had dumped him, and it should have been that he was sad about. And he was, in a strange amorphous sort of way. It was misery like a cloud hovering over him, indistinct and slightly grey and damp. The pain he felt when thinking about Jian was like getting stuck in the ribs by a shard of ice: deeply painful, sudden, raw, and sharp. Emmett put his fingers over his heart and felt it beating as he walked, and the pulse was hard and fast. Part of him wanted to find Jian, wrap his arms around the skinny boy and never let go, but equally he was petrified he’d read everything wrong since that first kiss. Perhaps Jian didn’t like him anymore, at least, not as a potential boyfriend. He’d been living with them nearly three months, and Emmett had spent enough time out of the house not to know if Jian had hooked up with anyone else. But there was the hot chocolate, the shopping, the soft smiles and the running around like mad fools in the park and throwing snowballs at each other: Jian was painfully accurate, and Emmett couldn’t tell himself it meant nothing. Whatever he thought though, he couldn’t forget the tight sound of Jian arguing with Huan-Yu, or the scent of misery that had emanated from his room. He had no reason to think Jian would just discard how he had felt.

Emmett let himself into the house quietly. There was the sound of gunfire and shouting, and he stood in the doorway to the living room, completely unnoticed, as Huan-Yu played pretend computer game warfare on the flat screen, shouting incoherently in Chinese into his mouth piece. Emmett thought he might have been swearing, but he couldn’t tell for sure. Leaving his housemate to his video game shootout, Emmett crept upstairs, and stood just inside his bedroom door, looking at the empty expanse of his mattress. He did not want to sleep on it.

Jian was still awake. Emmett could make out his music, the chords of classic American rock played quietly, and he could smell the rich orangey scent of the not-tiger through the doorway. Emmett touched his face, knowing he was crying and being completely unable to explain why, then let go of all the air in his lungs and closed his eyes as the world glowed blue. In his fur, the polar bear left his bedroom and paced across the hallway to lean his skull against Jian’s door. The soft thud was as good as a knock, and over the noise of the music, Emmett heard him speak.

“Yeah?”

Emmett pushed the door in and blinked in the soft light of the bedside lamp he’d placed on the little table next to Jian’s bed. The boy was sitting crossed legged on his duvet, dressed only in boxers – the wonderful slightly tight kind that showed off all the best bits – with The Heart of the Sea open in his lap.

“Xue?” Jian sounded confused, but Emmett didn’t dare think about what he was going to do. He stepped across the room on all fours, and without pause pushed his big fluffy white head against Jian’s bare chest. It was the first time, deliberately, since the first day he’d moved in, that Emmett had seen him anything other than fully dressed. He could feel Jian’s heart beat next to his temple, his soft skin against his fur, and Emmett grunted as Jian’s fingers crept into the thick fur of his neck. “Xue-bear? What’s wrong?”

Emmett sniffed, took a heavy breath, and looked up at him. Jian swiped at the wet fur of his face with his thumbs.

“You had a fight with Zeke?”

“Huuuurn.”

“A big fight?”

“Hooawrl.”

“You broke up?”

Emmett didn’t say anything, but pushed himself against Jian’s chest again. It hurt to look at the boy directly while he spoke.

“It’s nice to see you too,” Jian said softly. He wrapped both arms around Emmett and hugged his head hard, resting his upper body over the back of the bear’s thick neck. Emmett sighed and let the tension out of his body, resting his chin in Jian’s lap. He was sort of grateful that the book was in the way.

For a long time, neither of them said anything, and then eventually, Jian’s tight hug loosened. His fingers began to stroke through Emmett’s fur, laying the hairs flat; their proper direction having been disturbed. By the time Emmett looked back up at him, he was no longer crying, and Jian was smiling softly.

“Feel better now Xue?”

“Huuurn.”

“I was wondering…” Jian paused and then bent down to place a kiss on Emmett’s muzzle. “Can I come home with you for Christmas? I want to meet your brother and your family and see what you think a real winter is like.”

Emmett blinked.

“Xue? Say something?”

“Wroal!” Emmett barked happily, “haarrn!”

Jian giggled.

“Alright, alright: I’ll come with you!” he joked, “you damn bears are so demanding!”