Paper Walls - 12. Chapter 12

I get up and look over, realizing Jeremy isn’t in my bed. I get up and put some shorts on, and head down the stairs. I hear my parents and Jeremy talking. “How bad is it?” I hear my dad ask.

“Coach, I hear him whimper and mumble in his sleep non-stop. I know he isn’t getting any sleep, because honestly, I haven’t gotten any,” Jeremy says.

“Why hasn’t he told us anything?” my mom asks.

“It’s because he either doesn’t want to worry us, or isn’t remembering the dreams,” my dad says.

“Coach, I know a little about Ryder, but what actually happened?”

I hear my dad sigh, and I sit at the bottom of the steps, still out of sight, but close enough for me to hear it. “We were only able to adopt Ryder because my cousin lives in Russia. Ryder is her brother’s son. His parents were terrible people, caught up in the wrong things - a lot of drugs and abuse went on in the house.”

“What kind of things? I keep hearing him say no, and he wrestles so much.”

“Ryder was molested and abused by multiple people. His last therapist said the mind tends to block out trauma as a way of coping. The abuse got worse when his mother OD’d right in front of him.”

“Is that how he got the scar on his hip?”

“As he was being molested, the attacker stabbed him because he wouldn’t stop fighting. Ryder almost died that night. They dumped him in the streets. His father couldn’t deal with him, so he told his cousin. She had to pull a lot of strings to get Ryder here. It wasn’t easy.”

“What happens if he suddenly stops blocking all this out?”

“We don’t know. It sounds horrible to say we don’t ever want him to remember, but if he does, we will take care of it like a family. It’s just.…”

“We don’t know the mental state Ryder could be in if he does remember everything.”

“I think the move did him in. He’s not the same. He’s not as confident as he used to be. He isn’t making friends as easily,” Jeremy says.

“We have noticed it as well,” my mom says.

“Is that why you are strict about keeping everything consistent?”

“Yes, we wanted him to have as close to normal as he could have,” my mom says.

I get off the stairs and round the corner. “I think it is time I see a therapist,” I tell them.

“You heard everything, huh?” my dad says.

I nod my head, and he waves me over. I walk over to him and he pulls me into a hug. “You are my son, and I will not stop for anything to make sure you’re ok.”

“Thanks Dad.”

My mom takes my hand, and I grab hers. “I’m gonna go get dressed. I want to go hang out with a friend,” I tell them.

“Ok, sweetie,” my mom says.

I walk up the stairs and into my room, and then I start to cry. I try to find some clothes that I want to wear. Callen and I made plans to meet at his house.

“Hey, buddy.”

I look over and see Jeremy coming into the room. “Yeah?”

“You okay?”

I nod my head yes while my stupid tears keep coming down. “Yeah, look, we have always known I was messed up, but lately it’s just showed a lot more than ever.”

He pulls me into a tight hug, “Hey, you’re not messed up, man. You went through some shit. We will take this on together, man. You got people who love you. You know this, Ryder. Does knowing the truth really make it that much harder?”

He pulls me out of the hug so I look at him in the eyes. I wipe my face with the back of my hand. “I don’t know, really.”

“Think about it. No, it’s not the best, but at least it’s all out in the open now. You know what happened to you, now we focus on moving forward from it. Look at my situation. No, it wasn’t as bad as yours, but here I am, wanting to move forward. Does it kill me to know my dad is an abusive drunk who killed a family? Hell yes, but here I am with the most amazing family, with people who love me, and I don’t have to worry about coming home after school, wondering, am I going to get the shit beat out of me, or if he is going to go after Mom.”

I push myself back into his arms, “I know…I am grateful for this. What if no one will want to be with me now, now that I know what happened to me?”

“Dude, what are you talking about?”

”I’m damaged….I’m not….I’m not a virgin….” I mumble and look to the ground.

“Ryder, seriously? You are the most innocent person I know. You can’t help what happened to you, and that’s your biggest worry?”

“No, but it’s a worry. I already deal with partial social anxiety. I mean, what if I never actually get to be with anyone because I am fucked up?”

“You just said fuck! What about Callen? He looked like he was really into you.”

I open my mouth to say something, but I close it. “I’m sorry. I just I need to get out of the house. Think you can drop me off at Callen’s?”

“Do you even know where he lives?”

“Uh…that’s what phones are for,” I say.

Jeremy just rolls his eyes. “You are the gayest kid ever.”

I punch him. “Take that back!”

He smiles. “Nah.”

“Thanks for talking me out of my stupidity,” I say.

“It wasn’t stupidity, Ryder. Those are real concerns, but dude, let’s cross those bridges when we get to ‘em.”

“Just, I don’t know, I guess you were right about the move. It’s shaken me up. I have never had insecurities as much as I do now. I always had you and the team, and I knew I was the best. I never had to earn the respect of the team, and we had friends. I just felt so alone without you.”

“Hey, I get it, man. Look, I know it seemed like I was still living my life, but it was the same for me. I felt like my other half was gone, dude. You are my little brother. It sucked going to school without you. I was sad we couldn’t be on the same team this year, but that’s over now, man. I mean, next year, I’m not going to be in school with you, but I’ll be around, so let’s use this year to establish your stability and rep. I think, once you finally chill out and understand that you are going to be ok, I am going to see that same goof ball that I have always known. This whiney scared kid isn’t you, man. You’ve always been super confident, had your swagger. You have always known bad things happened to you, so don’t let this change you, man. Keep striving to be better and not to let this stuff drown you. Yeah, it sucks. It’s terrible what happened to you, yes. You probably will need to see a therapist, and maybe once you accept the truth, the nightmares stop, and you will be free of it.”

I hug him again. “I love you, and I promise I will stop being some stupid scared kid.”

“Dude, you don’t have to promise me, you can be scared. I just miss the guy who knew what he wanted.”

“Yeah, me too. So, you gonna take me to Callen’s, or you gonna keep lecturing me?”

He rolls his eyes. “And yet, the confident one returns so soon. I am going to the kitchen to grab something to drink find me when you are ready.

I pick out some gym shorts to wear, and a tank top. I put on my shoes and go find Jeremy. “You ready?”

“Yeah, I will go grab the keys.”

I tell my mom and dad bye, and text Callen that I am on my way. We get into the car and I put the address into the car’s navigational system. “He literally lives less than a mile from us. Who would have known,” Jeremy says.

“Yeah, I didn’t even know that,” I say, smiling.

“So, what do you and him plan to do all day?”

“No idea. Honestly, he has a pool, so maybe swimming. I don’t know.”

“Oh, so you don’t know?” Jeremy says, smiling.

“Shut up!” I say, starting to blush.

We pull up to Callen’s house. I don’t see any cars in the drive way. “Be good, text when you’re ready to come home.”

“Thanks, Jer,” I say, shutting the car door.

I walk up to the door and ring the doorbell. I wait there patiently, and part of me thinks he isn’t going to answer, that maybe he did change his mind, but I put those stupid insecurities to bed, and the door opens. He is rubbing his eyes, and he yawns. “I’m so sorry. I fell back asleep.”

I He is in his boxers, his shaggy brown hair is a mess, and those light brown eyes have sleep written all over them. I can’t help but travel to his shirtless chest and flat stomach. He catches me checking him out, I laugh. “You look adorable,”

“Oh shit, I am not even dressed. Um, yeah, come in,” he says.

I walk into the house with him, and I look at his boxers. His bubble butt is so cute, and he has a bulge. “My room is this way,” he says.

I follow him down a hall to the right, and into the last door. His room is painted light blue, and there is a twin size bed in the corner, with a computer desk to the right of it. His bed is messy, and there are some clothes on the floor. “Sorry, my room is a mess.”

“It’s okay,” I tell him. He grabs a pair of gym shorts and puts them on, and before I realize what I am doing, I am kissing him.

He kisses me back, and I feel him slip his tongue into my mouth. He snakes his arms around my back and pulls me closer. I guide him backwards to his bed, and he sits on the bed, still not breaking the kiss. I push him backwards, straddling him. He flips me over and he is on top. I run my hands over his chest, and I can feel him shiver under my touch.

I am grinding into him, and I know he likes it because he is kissing me harder. I move my hand to his hardening dick, and I hear him let out a moan. I grab it, and he breaks this kiss. He pushes himself off me and sits on the floor Indian style. “Whoa, man, what’s the rush?” he asks.

“I thought that’s what you wanted?” I say, feeling unsure if I should stay on his bed or move for the door.

“No. I just want to get to know you,” he says.

“So you’re not sexually attracted to me at all?” I ask, and start to get up. He gets up as well, grabbing my hand before I can walk away.

“I didn’t say that. Look, you are super fucking hot, and you turn me on so much, but I don’t want to rush into sex with you. I want to get to know you.”

“I am confused. Do you like me and just not want to have sex with me, or what?”

“No, it’s not that. Just sit with me, please?” he asks.

I sit next to him. “Look, like I said, you are insanely hot, and beautiful, and I want to jump you right now, but I can’t. I don’t believe in just hooking up with people. I am a virgin, I admit it, because I can’t be like other guys, and just fuck anything that moves, even though I want to. I just think my first time should be with someone that I love. I understand if that’s a deal breaker, but that’s what it is for me.”

I just look at him. “I’m good with that. I actually like that a lot. I just thought you’d want to have sex, and I didn’t want you to lose interest in me.”

“I would never pressure you into having sex with me. I mean, I’m not ready at all for that next step.”

I kiss him again and blush. “I’m sorry I was so dumb. I just didn’t think you would want me.”

“You’re not dumb! So why would you think I wouldn’t want you?”

“I’ve had some things happen to me, and I guess you would say that I am damaged goods.”

“How is that possible?”

“Well, before I was adopted, I was born in Russia, so yes, I am Russian. Also, I was molested and left for dead in the road, and I may be suffering from nightmares. I feel insecure, and I don’t think anyone will ever want me, and I don’t know how to handle this new move. I mean, your brother hates me, and I think you’re really sweet and too good for me, and I feel like I am going to scare you off because I have too much baggage, and I don’t know how I am supposed to be feeling, because I just found out this morning about what happened to me,” I say, and realize I am pacing back and forth.

“Feel better?” Callen asks.

I take a deep breath. Yes.”

He gets up and hugs me. “One, that’s pretty cool that you are Russian, and you can’t help what happened to you when you were younger. That doesn’t mean you are damaged goods. Look, everyone comes with baggage. I mean, I have like ten suitcases full of baggage. Dude, I am insecure as well. We are fifteen. I think we are supposed to be, and you are really new here. You don’t know many people besides football players, and as for me, I like you a lot. I still think it’s a freaking dream that you like me back. I want to take it slow. I don’t want to ruin a shot at something really good!”

“You are incredible,” I tell him.

He leans in and kisses me again, and the door opens. “Hey dude…what the fuck?”

We pull apart. “Garret, um…” Callen says.

“What are you doing here, Ryder?!” he says, getting closer to me.

“I’m hanging out with your brother, what’s it look like?”

“But you’re not gay. If you think that just because my brother is gay, you can bully him into sucking you off or something, you’re wrong. I will fucking break your arm!”

I step up to him. “No, dumbass, I like Callen, as in really like him!”

He steps back. “Wait, you’re gay?”

“Yeah.”

“Oh…I didn’t…really?”

“Yes, and yes, Coach knows as well,” I say.

“Cool,” he says, just looking at me.

“So, um…Callen, I am going to Mom’s.”

“Yeah. Okay. Tell Caleb I love and miss him,” Callen says.

Garret nods his head and walks out of the room. I follow him. “Garret.”

“Yeah?” he says, stopping and looking at me.

“Look, I would appreciate…..”

“I’m not going to out you to anyone at school. I’m not cruel. I wouldn’t want anyone doing that to my brother, so I would never do that to anyone. Besides, I know you don’t choose to be gay, it is what it is. It’s a hard life. Trust me, I know it is. I’ve seen what it does to family. Just don’t hurt him, Ryder.”

“I wouldn’t do that,” I tell him.

“Then me and you will be good. I am protective of my brother.”

“Gotcha, man.”

I walk back into the room, and I see Callen wiping his eyes. “You okay?”

“Yeah, I’m good, man.”

“Want to talk about it?”

“Just miss my little brother, and I shouldn’t miss my mom, but I do,” he says.

“You mentioned a little, but can I ask what happened?”

“I came out, and she couldn’t accept it. She wanted to send me to therapy. She even wanted me to have sex with a girl. She was willing to do anything, and I told her that I just couldn’t like girls, that they didn’t turn me on. She wouldn’t speak to me for months, and her and my dad had a huge blow out. She left, took Caleb with her, said she didn’t want me to give him my sickness. She told me I was dead to her.”

He is crying, and I hug him. “You are not sick, you’re just gay. I, for one, am super happy about that.”

He giggles. “You are going to be trouble.”

“I like trouble,” I tell him.

“You should come to dinner tomorrow, meet the family officially.”

“But we aren’t official, though, are we?”

I smile. “Not yet, but maybe one day. If you are ok with that. I mean, I like you a lot, and the more I get to know you, the more I like you.”