Being Cam - 12. October 16th

Chilling out was not going well. Nate and I acted like nothing had changed at school. Not my choice exactly. I could sense that he wasn’t ready to make any kind of public announcement, even to our little group. Honestly, I probably wasn’t either. But what do I know?

Every moment thoughts gnawed at the back of my brain. Tearing little pieces away and filling the space with convoluted feelings and fears and worries. It was awful. During lunch today, I had to make another of my great escapes. Isaac and Emma were still head over heels for each. I don’t think they even noticed anyone else but each other. About time. Their romantic comedy was playing out right on schedule.

“I’m gonna go, I got something to do.”

Nate tried to process my very vague announcement, looking slightly pained. He simply nodded his head and returned to his lunch. That was definitely going to be interesting to deal with if we became something. Key word: if.

While Emma and Isaac complimented each other’s personalities well, I wasn’t sure if I would be able to balance out Nate’s quietness. Or if he could handle my over the top imagination and insane thought process. Everything was terrifying and exciting. Does this ever get easier? Or less horrifying?

Probably not. Mom could attest to that I’m sure. Empty hallways made me feel better. Filling their space with my thoughts instead of keeping it bottled in my mind.

“There you are.”

I jumped as Alexa came racing towards to me. “You scared me!” Apparently she didn’t care, plopping down beside me with an expectant look on her face.

“So? What happened? What did Nate say? Are you guys in love?”

Ugh. Alexa was a gossiper by nature. She needed to know everything that was going on. Main reason why I was so reluctant to message her about our kiss. Not necessarily that she would say something but I wanted to keep it to myself until we were ready.

Or should I say when Nate was ready.

“I don’t know about that. He didn’t run away at least.”

Alexa looked me hard in the eye, as if she was searching their depths for something I wasn’t saying. Some truth I was keeping from her. Jesus. She was just as terrifying as my own thoughts. Like they were coming to life in her body. A chill went down my spine.

“Why are you out here then?”

How do you tell a friend something, without telling them something?

“I just needed a break from the chaos.” She watched the air between us like she could see the words hanging there. “Nate and I are friends but things still feel weird.”

“Again, honey, he’s a boy. You all suck.”

A smile crept across my face. Where was she years ago? I could have used the no nonsense way she spoke to me. Maybe I would have discovered myself way before this.

“Yeah we do. How do you handle it? I have no experience. I need to know where we stand.”

Alexa contemplated her response. “You don’t really handle anything.” She paused again, grasping at a thought just beyond her reach. “You just follow your heart. It sounds stupid but you do.”

“That’s not enough though. I need a plan. I need to do something.”

Alexa smiled, brushing her hair from her shoulders. “Cam. Welcome officially to being a teenager.”

“Thanks?” Wearily looking in her direction. “How does that help me though?”

“It doesn’t. You just roll with it. No plans. No guidebooks. You just live and do.”

This conversation was doing nothing for me. I need some kind of spiritual guide. Like a Gandalf or Dumbledore. Someone that only existed in book and movies. She was right. I hated to admit it. Or accept it.

“This sucks.”

I leaned my head against her shoulder in defeat.

“I know it does. Listen, just cut Nate some slack. This is probably new to him too. Give it time. Be his friend and just see what happens.”