The Long Road To... - 43. At Present, The Future is The Past

The days ‘aboarred’ were quite unremarkable. We sat or paced or played dice or did whatever we could to pass the hours. Revinn was doing his best to fight his sea-sickness, but still looked pale most of the time. He took the teasing in good humor.

Scarlet overcast skies at dawn and gray overcast skies during the day provided nothing to look at. These long, confined trips were always restful but boring.

We heard the scream all the way from our cramped little storage room.

Leaf and I raced down the passage. The child of the young family we boarded with stood outside LLoque’s door shaking. Leaf knelt down to her. She backed a step.

“What is it?” Leaf was level with her eyes.

“Mommy…”

She did not get out any more before we heard her mother call out again from behind the door. Revinn appeared behind me and a few others behind him. The little girl collapsed into Revinn’s arms. He looked up at me.

“Where is your father?” Revinn whispered.

“With mommy.” She shifted to cry on his waist.

“Is the doctor with them?” Leaf asked gently.

She nodded. There was another cry from inside the room.

All of us looked among ourselves. Some of the others began to disappear already.

“It may be her time,” Revinn whispered over the girl. Nods and shrugs from two remaining onlookers.

“It would be early from what I gathered,” Leaf frowned.

The girl continued to sob.

“Come little one.” Revinn tried to hoist her up into his arms, but set her back down on the wood. His face looked green. He took a few moments to settle his stomach. “Let’s go see what is going on up on deck, maybe get you a snack. And some air.”

Finally, the others disbursed.

“Mommy won’t be able to find me.”

More sounded from behind the door.

“She knows you can’t go far on a ship.” Revinn patted her hair to calm her.

“I will let her know you are safe,” Leaf said. He looked at me, nodded, and turned to the door.

“Come.” I led the way topside with the sounds of life being brought into the world echoing below.

I daresay the entire crew acted like expectant fathers. Some even paced while waiting for word. To pass the time, Huallpa, Revinn, and other crewmen told the girl tales of places she would never visit and which I was fairly sure did not exist at all. There were lands far past even Bald Cliff where enormous creatures from ancient times still stalked the ground. There was the isle of women, only women, hidden to the eyes of men. They were immortal with powers greater than any man. There was domain of an old god who had been thrown out of the heavens for some offence. There was another island where wingless dragons hunted and killed any who dared step foot in their realm. There was even a sorcerer living in a great castle he created by merely drawing the walls on magical parchment.

Her father found us next to the wheel. A few spare crew silently gathered nearby. When she saw her father, she ran into his arms. He looked drained. His wife had to be exhausted, indeed the day was now nearly over.

“Is mommy alright?”

“Yes, sweetheart. Shh…” He held her close and still. “Mommy is fine. You have a baby sister.”

“What?!”

A few of the men shook hands and clapped each other’s backs.

“When she gets older, she will be able to play with you.”

The girl squealed. The father smiled. The crew began to leave to go about its duties, all smiles. He stood and held her hand. “Thank you all for seeing after her. We had hoped to be landed before…”

“We can never choose the time,” Revinn grinned.

“A phirrst on my ship,” Huallpa laughed. “A gipht to us as well as yourr phamily.”

“Thank you.” He tugged the girl’s hand. “Come let’s go see Mommy.” They started to walk away.

“Can the baby talk already Daddy?”

The remaining men laughed together.

Leaf sat in our room with the lantern low. He looked tired, yes, but there was something else. His eyes were down. I did not like to see him like this. I could not remember the last time I had. Deep introspection did not suit him at all. I sat myself at his side and handed him bread.

“Eat.”

He took it, pulled off a chunk, put it in his mouth, and chewed slowly.

I rolled on my side behind Leaf and brought the blanket over us. He was warm, I was cold. I scooted closer to him, rested my arm across his side, and closed my eyes. Sleep would come soon. I let my mind meander away as I felt his body next to mine and smelled his individual scent.

I recalled a night at Fin’s when he had gently brushed past me. The night on the ridge over the desert, together under the light of the moon. His knowing grin to me while he worshiped his patron above us. We had slept this close often enough, it was a comfort. He seemed to find it a comfort as well. We trusted and knew each other. There surely was affection there, genuine.

Although Thorn and Leaf were different, each made me feel something. The times with Thorn, together, alone, in each other’s arms… his legs, his waist, his chest, his body. I had known almost every inch, almost every crease, and almost every sigh. I had let Thorn know me in every way I had known him.

I thought of Trajan and, what was his name, his mate. To be able to kiss out in the open. There was the pair in the inn, the passion-filled romancing in the darkened hallway, an uncaring secret. They had enjoyed each other in that way as well. The soldiers in the barracks back at the gates had been lustful and had taken every advantage they could with each other.

I wished for Thorn, to be able to kiss him now, as we had never done then. We had never thought to, everything else had been enough. Sometimes it was passionate, sometimes lustful, sometimes just plain fun and a good laugh. Still, what would it have been like? A real kiss? Why couldn’t I have it all?

I pulled Thorn tightly to my chest.

I leaned into him.

I hesitated.

I brushed the side of his neck with my lips.

I felt his body stiffen in my soft embrace.

“Talon…”

Leaf.

I froze where I was, my mouth still agape.

“Do you remember when you brought me bread, after…?”

I did not move to nod.

“And when you came to me after Sage was born…”

I finally closed my mouth, slowly. I felt disconnected as if our physical closeness existed only in my mind.

“Sometimes it is all too much. It reminds me of a long time ago…”

He sighed and though I could not be sure of it, he shuddered.

“My… wife died giving birth to what would have been our daughter.”

My mind stopped. He had never talked about that kind of past. It had not occurred to me. I had had no one to ask. All these years… It had been so deeply sealed away, unspoken.

“To lose them both that day… no one could reach me for a long time.”

I did not know why he was telling me this right now. I did not even know what I was doing.

“Other women tried to… console me. One even wanted to take her place. I couldn’t.”

I slowly rolled onto my back, releasing him from my touch. The pain was too much.

“She was the light of my life. She will always be.” His voice wavered. “There will be no other... no other to fill my heart the way she did.”

So there it was.

So polite a rebuff.

So very, very Leaf.

I felt myself redden. I rearranged myself to stand.

“Talon…” he whispered.

“Rest…, rest now,” I managed to say before I left for the passage.

I was a fool.

I paced for a time, trying not to wake any of the sleeping men scattered about below deck, and came to realize I what I truly needed was air. Once topside, the cold but the gentle wind cooled my emotions. What I had thought, our time together, all of it… I had been wrong and I was not happy about it. My face flushed then drained then flushed once more.

The stars and moon were not visible through the overcast sky. I paced a little more gaining the attention of few of the crewmen. One of those who had stood by Revinn telling tales to the girl nodded, but let me be.

His wife. Leaf’s wife.

Doubt and anger washed through my mind, but I could not understand whom they were for. Surely our time together had meant something. I had done this to myself; Leaf did this to me; longing for Thorn did this to me; age had done this to me.

The more I thought the more tired I became. I sat among a few barrels and tried to grab the reigns on my runaway mind. Had everything been an indifferent lie or a twisted joke?

I woke to the noise of the hands working on the rigging above and the first drops of rain on my cheek. I don’t know what they were doing but it was enough to annoy me to consciousness. I was chilled to the bone and wet due to the cold mist around us. There was no sunshine to warm me in the grayness.

I went below and started for the room that we had shared and I had fled from. I wanted to be warm, but it would be too cold for me in there.

“…no other to fill my heart…”

I staggered past and around the corner, down to a lower deck. An open storage cabin would be cold, but not for the same reasons. I unbound and pulled some very expensive looking tapestries onto the floor. My only other roommates would be the crowded crates and barrels stacked against and lashed to the hull wall. Enough room for me and not much else hidden away deeply in the cargo. No one would willingly want to insert themselves by me. I almost barked a laugh. No one would willingly insert themselves into my life.

I slept through a restless day and well into the next night.

My stomach woke me. I stumbled up to the galley to get some food.

“Nothing warm right now.” The cook yawned.

I grabbed what I could and made my way up to the deck. It was nighttime, overcast once again and gloomy, just like my mood. I sighed to myself and ate a piece of fruit.

The other ships were visible by their lanterns. It seemed those beacons were the only light in the darkness. If only I was able to sit with Blade right now. To share in his different kind of light.

I tried not to think about what a fool I had been. Leaf did care; I believed that. He had returned to me time and time again. I had let myself get carried away thinking someone could replace Thorn or even wanted to replace him. In my heart I had hoped. Still why could it not be Leaf?

“We missed you yesterday,” Revinn said quietly.

I turned as he leaned on the rail.

“You feeling alright?”

I nodded.

“You hear? They named the baby. Inferna.” He chuckled and gestured around us to the ship. “Huallpa was pleased, though had it been a boy, it probably would have been named Harald. A whole bunch of those since Harald became king. Such is the way of it.” He grinned and looked at the nearest ship. There was a shadow of someone on deck. Someone looking back at us.

“Well, I am for bed, still getting used to the waves you know. I was sick again all day.” He smiled and stood. “See you tomorrow.” He started to walk away, after a few steps he turned back to me. “Leaf was looking for you. You may want to let him know you are not ill in any case.” He smiled weakly, turned and left me. The shadow figure on the other deck remained.

I thought about talking to Leaf, but did not feel ready or able or willing. I would need to talk to him, eventually. It was not his fault.

I turned to the horizon to search for anything other than the clouds. Pitch black, angry skies hung in the distance all around us. When I turned back, the shadow man across the water had disappeared. I went below deck and curled up alone in my hiding place to sleep the day away and try to dream of something or someone other than Leaf.

I dreamed of Maritimus.

He was happy or at least content to live as he did. Alone. He had his goats to dote upon; he had his home; he had people to check in on him.

“My road ends here,” he said now as he had then. I suddenly wondered if he had someone waiting for him, someday.

We made stew and sat by the fire. We did not talk, we did not need to now. He knew enough about himself and myself to know what was important. Everything we needed was already around us. There was an affection, a friendship, in that knowledge and between us. A truly rare and beautiful understanding.

“You will find your way. That I know.” He smiled at me.

We walked together in silence through the trees and when the storm clouds rolled in, we danced together, naked in the rain.

Thunder woke me.

It took a few moments to leave Maritimus behind in the gentle drops and sit up alone to the real torrent outside the ship I was on.

I staggered along and up to stand in the passageway onto the deck. Darkness and rain. Nothing more. I sighed and went to grab some food. Revinn was with one of the crew members.

“…bad one, but Huallpa is good. He will get us thrrough. Herre have morre it will help.” He handed a bottle to Revinn and looked up at me. “Arre you pheeling alrright?”

I nodded.

Revinn’s bloodshot eyes slowly looked to me. He was definitely feeling the waves.

I crossed and grabbed some bread.

“Hopephully the squall will pass quickly.”

I nodded and sat for a long while watching different men come and go. The sailor helped Revinn get up and gotten to his quarters. LLoque appeared and retrieved the same kind of bottle Revinn had drank from and disappeared.

“Gonna need a lot more of that,” the galley-man quipped to me before returning to his duties.

I returned to the passage to watch the rain for a little while before I made my way back to the hold and my sleeping spot. The water outside was loud and hard, but not enough to worry about. I fell asleep hoping to dream more of Maritimus.